Chapters Author's Note
This is a rewrite of one of my older stories on my other account, I decided I wanted to have it end on a happier note so I went ahead and rewrote it. Enjoy!
Contemplating
Here I am again... in the darkness that's my home where nobody loves me... The only ponies who can comfort me here are my demons. That's why I can't get rid of them, it's like they are the only ones who can really help me...
I feel the tears roll down my cheeks as I remind myself of all the crap I bring to others. I repeatedly punch the wall in frustration as I let out a scream, slamming my head into the wall hard. I let out a slight painful whimper from the impact. I never let anybody see me like this, they'll just call me crazy and a drama queen… They don't understand my way of coping with these types of situations... I don't care about comfort, so I just throw myself to the floor as I sob into my hooves.
Suddenly, I felt a faint hoof gently stroking my mane, I instantly and instinctively knew it was my demon, Mensonge. Her cold touch gave me a slight small chill, but also some form of comfort, in some strange twisted way... I honestly don't know if I should be afraid of her anymore because of the things she does to me, but she's the only answer to my problems...the only cure for my pain... Sure the things she tells me are wrong, and there are better solutions, but hers are the only ones that really seem to be effective...
She walked in front of me, seating herself as she put a hoof on my chin staring at me with a creepy smile on her face.
"Another rough day?" she asks me as I simply nod my head in response. She continues to stroke my mane. "You know how to get rid of the pain Scripty, so why don't you?"
I let out a sigh. "You know why, it just causes more pain... and scars... just more trouble for others," I said.
I feel her move over to my shoulders as she gently rubs them, then grows more forced. "You know I know what's best for you, right?" I nodded. "Then why should you doubt me?
"I...don't know anymore...everyone keeps telling me-" I mutter softly but she shushes me with a hoof.
"Would you rather trust Ellie? Or Lotus? Would you trust they can give you the actual help that you need? Or would they just call the authorities like always?"
I hesitated for a moment as she continued rubbing my shoulders, causing me to grow physically exhausted. She slowly worked her way over to a sore spot, rubbing it hard . I let out a cry in pain as she rubbed it in circles, trying to get rid of the knot.
"You can't actually trust them, you can't trust anybody. So why listen to them?"
I began to weep softly as she continued rubbing my shoulders, pushing harder and harder until I felt my whole body felt limp. She finally stopped, letting me go causing me to fall to the floor, unable to keep my balance.
"See, now don't you feel better?"
I felt the pain slowly escape from my body as I nodded slowly and got back up. I looked at Mensonge, finding a knife in her hoof. I stared at it for a while, thinking.
"Then trust me, when I say this will help you."
I slowly reach for the knife as I stare at it for a moment, admiring the shiny sharp metal blade that creates such beautiful art. I nodded my head slowly as I placed it on my hoof.
I let out a blood-curdling scream as I press the blade as hard as I can against my hoof, forgetting how to breathe for a moment as I feel the shock choke me. I shut my eyes tight, trying to tolerate the burning pain as I lower the blade and then stare at the wound, covering it up so nobody will see it, and then pull the blanket over myself as I feel my body continue to shake.
I can't take the pain anymore, or the guilt. I can’t stand the panic attacks, the level of the stress is too much...Ponies always blame me for everything. Everyone is against me, and I'm bucking sick of it... I don't give a flying feather about life anymore, it's not like anybody cares about me... I don't really have a will to live anymore, so what's the point in living if I have no purpose anymore...
"They wouldn't care if you were gone, and even if they were, they'd get over it with time..." Mensonge said as I felt her behind me stroking my mane once more. "They will always hate you, judge you, lie to you, spread rumors about you."
I feel my body tremble more as I lay there weeping.
"They're not gonna stop, are they...?" I whimper as I curl up into a ball on my bed. I feel her hooves stroke me harder, knowing her answer.
"They never will, ever..." She chuckles softly. "But that's why you have me. I'm here to help and comfort you because nopony else can..." I feel her soft touch return as I start to become exhausted and I slowly drift off to sleep.
"Tomorrow is gonna be the same routine; wake up, go to work, get home, work on stuff, then go to bed, and repeat..." I think to myself as my eyes slowly close as I drift off to dreamland.
"As long as you have me, my dear, you are never alone..." she said as she pecks me on the cheek. "Sweet nightmares, Script Singer..."
I feel her leave my room as my body falls into a deep sleep, unable to wake up until tomorrow, until the hell starts all over again, until the pain grows even more unbearable, until all of it starts all over again, an endlessly repeating cycle...
This is my home. This is my life. This is my hell. This is my death...
I don't have to deal with the pain, drama, stress, panic attacks, bullying, frustration, secrets, and lies. I won’t feel so empty and alone. I won’t hurt anymore. Nobody will be against me. This will solve everything.
I walk down the school hallway, staring down at the floor as I try to block out the sounds in my head. I walk toward the exit, heading home to get ready for a day out with some friends. I look forward to the small moments where I still feel slight joy and hope with others, but it's not much... I try to treasure any moment where I feel something other than my despair and misery.
I don't pay attention to the time when I'm like this, so the walk passes by quickly, which I enjoy since I'm eager to get home.
Do you really think you'll pass that test you did today? You were barely able to keep yourself together in there. I wouldn't be too surprised if you're the only one who fails.
I shook my head as I tried to ignore the thoughts in my head, but unsuccessful. I can't think clearly when I'm in this state, so what's the point in blocking it out...?
After a few minutes of walking, I arrived at my front door. I entered as I put down my school bag and went upstairs to grab a few things for my day out with friends. I walked up to my room, grabbing my sketchbook in case I wanted to draw in the shade of the park. I also grabbed a book and a few extra quills then headed back out.
I trot up to the park, finding Radioflash, Flame Flare, Fire Bloom, Ellie, and a few other friends waiting for me. I smile and wave as I'm walking up to them. I notice there are a few other ponies that I didn't know too well that my friends had invited to join us as well, one of them a dragon pony. I assumed he was one of Radio's friends.
"Hey, guys." I greet my friends with a smile. I didn't notice right away that one of the ponies was staring at me with a disgusted look on his face.
"Script, this is Emerald-" Radio started before he was interrupted.
"What is she doing here, who invited her?" Emerald said.
I stopped in my tracks as I felt like I had just been stabbed in the chest. I stared at him, dumbfounded as I felt my eyes begin to sting with tears and my face quickly turned to a quivering frown.
"Come on, don't be rude." Flame Flare uttered.
"She's a bucking liar and a loser, looking for attention! Why shouldn't I treat her the same?"
Another image flashed through my mind as the dragon pony continued cursing. I tried to block it out, but he only cursed more. Ellie noticed and tried to speak up.
"Emerald, I think you should stop-" Ellie said before she was interrupted.
"Why do you hang out with this loser anyway, Radio?"
I turned around dropping my things as I began sobbing at the top of my lungs. I ran as fast as my hooves would carry me.
"Drama queen!"
"Script, wait, come back!" Radioflash yelled running after me grabbing my things.
I sat under a tree hardly able to breathe due to how much I was crying. My mane was a mess and my face was all puffy. The flashing images of painful memories wouldn't stop, they were burned into my mind and I can never get them out...
I hear galloping and panting, turning around finding Radioflash running up to me. I quickly wipe up my face as I try to look somewhat presentable.
"Script," he said as he walked up to me. He paused for a moment when he noticed how much I was crying. "I uh, got you your bag since you dropped it back there," he said, handing me my bag.
"Thanks..." I say with a sniff. "Look Radio, I know you wanna help but... I really just... want to be alone right now..."
"But, Script-"
"Radio, please... just leave me alone..." I turned away from him, refusing to show my face.
"Alright, if that's what you want..." he said with a sigh. He then turned around and left me there alone.
Alone... that's what I am... I know I'm not alone, and I'm surrounded by others, but it's a different type of alone... one you only feel when your world crumbles on itself.
People won’t have to deal with my crap, they’ll be rid of me. They’re all just better off… I won’t be starting any more trouble. Things won’t get out of hand because of me.
"There I go again, screwing everything up once more..." I mumble silently to myself as my boss yells at me. I tuned him out, unable to take the shouting, and just nodded my head, pretending to listen.
I do yard work for my next-door neighbor just to have enough bits to keep me above water, but even then, I'm barely ashore... I don't even like my job, but I need the money. So I just suck it up like a big filly and take the constant disapproval...
"YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A BUCKING SCREW UP, AND YOU NEVER FINISH THE JOB!" he yells at me. I shut my eyes tightly as my mane fell into my face, slightly hanging my head.
"Sir, I asked you nicely to please stop-"
"Shut the buck up, and do the blasted job right!"
I try to ignore the words and push down my urge to cry at the flashbacks of my trauma. I just nodded my head slowly and walked away as he slammed the door behind me. Another day in defeat for proper payment. I haven't really been able to focus much lately, due to my depression so it's been affecting me with my day-to-day tasks. But I don't really care anymore, I just want to get it over with... not like I'll do it right anyway, so what's the point in even trying...?
He's better off with somepony who could actually do the job right... not some PTSD earth pony girl who can hardly get her life together... I just lay around all day and try to keep anxiety down, when I'm just making it worse by doing anything...I'm wasting my time... I'm just somepony who deserves to be screamed at, or blamed for something that wasn't my fault, but they have every right to...
I opened my front door as I moved into my living room and began to sob onto my couch.
...nobody will ever understand how I feel...I...just want it all to...stop...I want everything to stop...
....my pain....my sorrow...my tears...and...
....my life…
I walk up to Sugar Cube Corner, my head hanging down as my mane falls into my face. I finally decided to open up to my friends in order to try to get the help that I need.
I walk into the shop, finding my friends sitting at a table waiting for me.
“Hey, Script! Over here” Rose called.
I waved as I walked over to join them.
“It’s about time you got here!” Lilly said. “Now we can finally order.”
“Ya know, you guys didn’t have to wait for me,” I replied.
“We wanted to though, you’re our friend!”
I felt a slight smile grow on my face as she said that but it quickly grew back into a frown as I decided to finally speak my mind.
“There’s actually something I’ve been wanting to talk to you guys about lately…” I muttered.
“Oh?” Flame Flare uttered. “What’s that?”
I let out a sigh. “I’ve been feeling suicidal lately…”
My friends look at me in shock, unsure of what to say. I noticed Rose kinda looked away from me and sat there fidgeting. I only folded my ears back as I hung my head.
I felt Lilly and Ellie pull me into a tight hug. “It’s gonna be alright, Script,” Ellie said.
Rose stood up suddenly. “I just remembered I had something to take care of at home, I gotta go. Sorry girl's,” she muttered as she grabbed her things.
I knew she was lying, I could tell by the look on her face. I knew opening up to my friends was a bad idea. I began to sob as my friends all joined in on the hug.
Reason 3: Forgettable Mess Up
I won't be remembered as a screw-up or disappointment. They’ll get over me with time. People will think whatever they think about me, and I wouldn’t care… they’d have their own judgment of why I did it...
I open the door to my friend's house, finding my group of friends laughing and chatting without me, not even noticing me coming in. I just shut the door behind me as I sit beside them, trying to join in on the conversation.
"Hey Script, when did you get here?" Radioflash says as I sit down.
"I just got here, did I miss anything?" I asked but Radio had already joined back into the conversation as if he didn't talk to me before. I felt a slight frown form on my face, but I hid it, trying to have a good time.
Everypony was talking about the latest hot movie that had come out, but I didn't care too much for it, so I just pulled out my sketchbook and started to draw to keep myself busy.
After a while, I was struggling with anatomy as I always do so I turned to my friend Ellie.
"Hey Ellie, could you help me out with this real fast?" I asked but she didn't hear me, too busy talking about the movie. I gently tapped her on the shoulder, but she held up a claw as she continued talking.
I just hung my head as I felt slight tears form in my eyes. Nopony was even showing me any attention, so why should I be here? I shouldn't.
I just put my sketchbook back into my bag and walked toward the door.
"Script, where are you going?" Flame asked, noticing me at the door. "You just got here, didn't you?"
"I don't feel too well..." I say as I shut the door behind me before she could say another word.
It hurt me to do that to my friends, but it wasn't like they were showing me much of anything, so I might as well have left. I hung my head as I walked back toward my house, staring at the ground as my tears formed in my eyes.
They wouldn’t notice if I just disappeared. They wouldn’t care. They’d just forget about me over time. They all will just forget me.
"Have you read it?" One pony asked.
"Of course I have, she's like my favorite author!" Another replied.
"I think it’s her best work, honestly"
"Really? I think Cold is better."
"You're wrong, but you're allowed an opinion I suppose."
I had overheard some ponies while I was in the bookstore talking about my latest book, Forever Loved. It touched my heart to know ponies enjoy my work.
It feels like I make somewhat of a small impact in someone’s life, but even then, I would just end up being forgotten over time.
“What are you guys talking about?” Somepony asked walking up to the two ponies. “Are you talking about that author again? Script Song?”
“Script Singer .”
“Whatever. Are you guys almost done here, I’m getting kinda bored being here.”
“Yeah, just let me pay for my new book and we can go.”
I walked over to the pony and tapped her on the shoulder. She turned around and stared at me for a moment, a look of shock on her face.
“Are you… Script Singer?” She asked. I nodded my head as I smiled letting out a soft chuckle. “Could… Could you sign my book…?”
“Of course, anything for a fan!” I said.
I held back my tears as I grabbed a quill from her and began to sign her book. She would just forget me over time. Everypony would forget me over time… I’m just a nobody who writes stories that mean nothing to anyone.
I know I’m loved. I know I’m needed. I know the consequences of suicide. I know how people would react if I killed myself. I know people would blame themselves. I know I have so much to live for, so much to do with my life. But I don’t care anymore. I just want this pain to end, no matter the cost! I’m tired of needing so much help, always falling down only to be pulled up then pushed back again... I want it to all just stop...
Here I am again, locked away in my room, refusing to respond to any of my friends... I know this just worries them more, but they don't really care enough anymore... I mean, it's not like their advice will really get through to me... it's the same old stuff they say to everypony else to keep them from killing themselves...I'm sick of hearing the same things over and over again...
I'm just stuck in the same process, learning the same lesson over and over again... so I'm doing you all a favor if I do this... you don't have to deal with my bull crap anymore...
But we love you
But we need you
But you can't get your life back if you do this
But you have so much to do with your life
But you have so much to live for
But you're still so young
But ponies would miss you
But ponies would blame themselves
You have such a big impact on others
Think of the aftermath
I know all of that already and I don't care anymore... I don't give a flying feather about anything anymore... everything is just so numb... I want it to all just stop... I just learn the same lesson over and over again if I stay…
I lean over towards my dresser and opened the drawer pulling out the knife inside. I brought it closer to my hoof as I slowly pressed it against my skin. I watched as the blood bubbled up and oozed down my hoof.
I pulled the knife away as I pulled out the drawer once more and put the knife away then went to bed.
I wake up to the sound of my alarm clock. I get up and start to get ready for my day. I know the routine by heart now. I get up, shower, get ready for work, go to work, then come home and rest. Sure, every day something new happens, but it still falls into the same routine. The same old boring routine.
I slowly get out of bed as I walk towards the bathroom to take a shower. My body felt heavier than it did yesterday so I had to drag my hooves to the bathroom.
I got into the tub and turned the water on, letting it pour down on me. After a moment, I fell beginning to sob and wail at the top of my lungs.
What’s the point in trying to communicate if I can’t find the right words? Whenever I try to explain what’s going on it just goes all wrong and backfires on me.
I walk down the school hallway, heading into the counseling room to speak to someone about my problems. A few of my friends managed to talk me into it so I decided I would at least try.
I knocked on the door and waited for someone to reply.
“Come in.”
I opened the door trying to put a smile on my face, but could hardly manage to keep it like that.
“Hello, Script!” He uttered. “Is everything alright?”
I took a seat as I rubbed my neck slightly. “Well, not exactly…” I muttered. “I haven’t really been myself as of late.”
“What do you mean?”
I stared at the floor as I struggled to find my words. “It’s just that… It’s like… Ugh, I don’t know anymore…”
Why couldn’t I just open up to him? I chose to come here, so why can’t I find the right words to say? I think to myself.
“Well, how are you feeling right now?”
“Like right now?” I asked.
“Yeah.”
I let out a sigh as I tried to think of what to say. “Lost… I guess? Empty if that makes sense…”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s like I don’t really care anymore.”
“Don’t care about what?”
“Anything I guess…” I let out a sniff as I said that. “I just need it to stop…”
“Need what to stop?”
I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I broke down crying. “I need everything to stop… I can’t take it anymore… I don’t wanna be here anymore…”
“Script, that’s something kinda serious to say.” The counselor looked at me with a look of concern. “You’re not thinking of…”
“No,” I said, interrupting him. “I didn’t mean it like that, I mean, I’ve considered it in the past but I know it’s not a good idea.”
“What do you mean by considering it?”
I grabbed a tissue as I continued speaking. “Sometimes a suicidal thought would just pop up into my head but I would just quickly push it away and list the reasons why I shouldn’t do it.”
Lately, it feels like those thoughts are growing stronger. Like they’re overpowering me. I wanted to tell him this, but I couldn’t figure out how.
“Is there something on your mind?” He asked.
“Yeah, I just don’t know how to say it…” I muttered. “It’s like there’s a door blocking the way of me trying to open up.”
“Do you want to see if we can try to see what’s behind the door?”
“I don’t know…” I sighed. “It’s hard to explain, maybe coming here wasn’t a good idea anyway…” I said getting up to open the door.
“You sure? I’m here if you still need to talk.”
“I’m getting kinda hungry, I might as well go to lunch.” I fibbed.
I walked out of the door before he could say another word.
I sit at the lunch table, poking at my food with my fork. Radioflash sat down his tray and sat down next to me. I only continued poking my food not noticing him.
After a few moments of silence, he spoke up.
“Script,” Radioflash uttered.
I continued poking at my food but mumbled in response.
“Are you feeling okay? You haven’t really been eating that much lately.”
“I’m fine,” I muttered trying not to snap at him.
“You sure?”
“Mmhm…”
“Script, we’re worried about you.”
I threw my fork in frustration. “I said I’m fine! What part of that do you guys not understand?!”
I just stared at my friend. Radioflash is one of my few friends who has seen me at my worst and I hated that he would see me like this. I let out a sigh as my ears folded back.
“Sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled…” I muttered. “I’m just stressed out about school, that’s all…”
“Script,” Radio uttered. “You know you can always talk to us if you need to.”
“I’ll be fine, thank you,” I said as I got up throwing my lunch in the trash. “I should go study for the test today.” I fibbed as I began walking away.
I rushed over to a nearby tree and just sat myself down and began to sob.
Nopony will ever love me for who I am. Nopony will ever love me. Not the way he did...
I stare at a photo of me and my ex-coltfriend Ember Flame. Tears flood my eyes as I stare at the image. Even though we remained friends that doesn’t mean I still miss being with him. I miss being there for him, I miss him cheering me up when I would feel down, I miss doing things with him.
But even then, I was a horrible marefriend to him. I was selfish at times, even overdramatic. I just wish I could’ve treated him better. I wish I treated him the way I should have in the first place.
I sat the photo down as I ran my hooves through my mane, sobbing. I was so lucky to have such a caring and kind coltfriend such as him. I doubt I would ever find someone like that again. Nopony would love me the way he did. I don’t even deserve to be loved.
I silently snarled and forcefully closed the photo album with a dull snap, tears threatening to drip down my face. I grabbed a box off to the side and dropped the photo album inside, along with the matching bracelet I made for him. It felt like I never really took it off until now. I got up and went around my room, grabbing everything that reminded me of him, and shoved it all in the box as well. I then closed the box and tapped a piece of paper on it that said “Broken Heart” on it. I picked up the box, dropping it inside my closet, and then ran to my bed sobbing.
I plopped onto my bed, curling into a ball as I grabbed my pillow and clung onto it tightly.
No more. No more cuddling. No more late-night movies. No more saying “I love you”. I wish I cherished those moments more than I did, I never knew how much they would mean to me.
Author's Note
Sorry if it's a bit short, I've been having some really bad burnout lately. Part of that is because of the breakup, but I figured might as well write this to cheer myself up. I might add on more later on
NOTE: Me and Ember are still really good friends and still hang out, most of this was just overdramatic for the story's sake also to help me finally let him go and move on. This was for therapeutic reasons
Reason 9: Screaming In Silence
Author's Note
I was originally going to make this chapter and the next chapter two separate stories but figured what the heck, why not just add it to this one? Plus it's getting harder and harder to figure out where to put the stories that are stand-alone but still in the same universe as my stories.
This chapter was inspired by the song Screaming In Silence by Citizen Soldier
New chapter coming soonish!
Reason 9: Screaming In Silence
It’s too hard to explain what’s wrong, so what’s the point…?
I sit at a table with my friends, staring at the ground and poking at my food. We were at one of our weekly Tuesday brunches and I couldn’t help but be miserable. I had tried to open up to them before but it was hard for me to do so.
I jumped slightly as my friend Lilly tapped me on the shoulder. “You okay, Script?”
I turned to look at her. This was my chance to tell her what was wrong. I opened my mouth to speak but couldn’t figure out what to say. I want to die. “I’m fine.” I folded my ears back as I said that.
“You sure? You just seem a bit off more than usual today.”
I don’t know what to do anymore…
“Yeah, I’m sure…”
There I go again, unable to speak my mind… I just got up and walked out the door without saying another word.
Lilly came running up to me, a look of concern in her eyes.
“Script, are you sure you’re alright?”
No, I’m dying inside…
“I’ll be fine…” I muttered as I began walking home.
“Wait up, I’ll walk you home!” Ellie offered.
Thank you, but that’s not necessary…
“Okay…” I mutter.
Ellie tried to talk to me as we walked back to my place.
“You sure you’re okay, Script?”
No, I don’t wanna be alive anymore…
“Yeah, I’m fine, just tired…”
“You do look like it, have you not been getting enough sleep lately?”
Sleep isn’t the problem…
“I guess…”
“Maybe you should get to bed early tonight.”
Sleep doesn’t help…
“Maybe…”
We just spent the whole walk to my house in a short-sentence conversation. Once we approached my house, Ellie hugged me.
“Know we’re here if you need anything, Script,” she says.
“I know, thank you…” I muttered in reply.
I look at myself in the mirror, finding Angel of Darkness. I just glare at her. “Why won’t you let me get the help that we need?? I don’t wanna live like this anymore!” I shouted.
Angel of Darkness only chuckled. “You know that speaking out will just cause more trouble.” She uttered.
“That’s not true!”
“Oh, but it is. After all, anytime you do manage to open up it just makes everything worse. Remember what you did to Rose Diamond?”
My eyes opened wide as I let out a soft gasp. Memories flashed through my mind as tears formed in my eyes.
“She forgave me though…” I whimpered.
“Yes, but you still caused her to die.”
“Get out of my head!” I yelled as I punched the mirror. Tears fell down my cheeks as I pulled my hoof back and stared at the blood. I collapsed to the ground as I began sobbing.
I opened the drawer finding a knife hidden in there. I grabbed it and brought it to my hooves and slashed myself quickly, wincing slightly in pain but the pain quickly subsided. I then put the blade back into the drawer and walked into my bedroom and began to sob underneath the covers.
Everything just feels numb… nothing feels real anymore…
I walk around Ponyville with my friends, staring at the ground. We had just finished a fun day of activities, but it was all the same to me. Nothing feels the same way as it did before. Everypony was laughing and having a great time while I just continued staring at the ground. We quickly approached my house. I walked up the steps as I waved to my friends plastering a fake smile on my face. Once I shut the door, it fell off.
I slid against it sitting on the floor, plopping my head down on the ground as I just stare at the wall. Tears fall from my eyes as I just lay there as they roll down my cheeks. I didn’t care if the impact with the floor hurt, nothing matters anyway if nothing feels real.
Pain isn’t real. Love isn’t real. Joy isn’t real. Sorrow isn’t real. Nothing is real anymore…
I slowly get up, the pain in my body becoming overwhelming as I begin to walk to my kitchen. I opened the fridge, finding nothing to eat so I just walked into my room and tucked myself into bed early, staring at the ceiling. I layed there for what felt like hours, just staring as the tears rolled down my face.
I then turned to my nightstand, opened the drawer, and found a knife. I pulled it out, bringing it close to my coat. I slowly slid the knife against my skin as the blood began to bubble up and slide down my hoof. I didn’t even wince or react, almost as if the pain wasn’t even there. I then sat the knife down and grabbed the bandages and bandaged myself up. I didn’t even clean the wound cause I didn’t care if it got infected.
I laid back down on my back, staring at the ceiling once more, tears streaming down my face.
I just feel so numb that I don’t want to be here anymore…
Author's Note
sorry if it's short, poorly edited, or repetitive, haven't been myself as of late... I just wanted to vent. may add more later. don't worry about me, I'll be okay, I have a good support system and wonderful friends who help me.
Author's Note
NOTE: This chapter is a little bit dark, you may skip it if you would like.
Prove Them All Wrong
I slowly open my eyes as I find my pillow wet with my tears. I hate looking back on those memories… Why can't I just move on...? I can't and I never will... So what's the point...?
I get out of my bed, walking over to my dresser staring at myself in the mirror as the tears roll down my cheeks. I notice everything I hate about myself, to the scars of the past, or my ugly body. I couldn’t bear to look any longer. I turned away as tears fell down my face.
You don't have to do this anymore...
"You're right..." I uttered. I walk over to my drawer and pull out my knife and grab a towel from my bathroom.
I noticed the picture frame of me with my parents the day I got my cutie mark. Tears formed in my eyes at that memory but I knew that I would be joining them soon.
I put the towel in my mouth as I put the blade up to my neck as I bit down, preparing for the pain. I start to press it against my flesh as I feel the blood begin to spill from my body. My tears pour down my face as I press harder until I lose grasp of the knife and I struggle for air.
I fall to the ground as the towel falls out of my mouth and falls onto the floor. I gasp for air as my body begins to spazz out and I stare at the puddle of blood forming on the floor of my room, gushing out of my neck.
Blood... nothing I can see but blood... The taste of iron in my mouth fills my mind as I continue to slip away. My eyes begin to twitch and roll into the back of my head as I hear myself gagging for air, coughing up blood, and unable to breathe. I feel a dark cloud come out from above me as I feel myself slipping away farther and farther. I suddenly feel everything stop as my senses slowly die away. I hear a faint voice speak to me.
"You are alone, and nobody will ever miss you when you're gone..."
I feel the darkness overtake me completely as everything goes cold and dark. I feel nothing but a warm fresh puddle of blood.
I then opened my eyes, finding nothing but darkness around me.
I smiled at my friends as I exited Sugar Cube Corner and waved goodbye. “Thanks again for all the fun girls!” I uttered. Once I turned around, I felt a frown grow on my face as a sudden weight fell on my shoulders.
I slowly walked back to my house, feeling like every single step was heavier than the last. I felt like I was walking for hours by the time I got to my door.
I let out a sigh as I shut the front door, feeling my walls crashing down. I started sobbing as I removed my mask and set it on the table by the door. I can’t take the pain any longer so I might as well just end it.
I walked upstairs to my room, shutting the door behind me and pulled out the knife from my dresser, and stared at it for a moment.
I brought the blade to my hoof and pressed the blade against my skin but stopped when I heard my door squeak open. I turned around shocked, finding Ellie standing in the doorway.
“Script, what are you doing?” She asked.
I turned around letting out a soft sigh as I pressed the blade harder into my skin.
“Script, please put the knife down,” Ellie said walking up to me holding out her claw.
I only ignored her. Ellie walked over to the side of my bed to face me. “Script, please.”
“I can’t take the pain anymore…” I muttered, my voice shaking.
“Script, suicide isn’t the answer. Please just listen-”
I flashed a glare at my friend. “It’s my life, why can’t I make the choice for myself?!”
“Because we need you here! Why can’t you see that?”
“Nopony really cares about how I feel, if they did, then I wouldn’t be feeling like this!”
“We do care! You just can’t see it, would you open up your eyes and see what’s in front of you?”
I let out a scream of frustration as I pressed the blade harder into my skin.
“Script, please…” Ellie’s voice began to shake slightly. “I don’t want to see you get hurt, you’re like a sister to me.”
Hearing that made me stop for a moment. I dropped the knife and fell to the ground sobbing. Ellie rushed over to my side and wrapped her wings around me in a tight embrace.
“Ellie…” I muttered. “I can’t do this anymore… I’m so tired of this. What do I do…?”
Ellie stroked my mane and began rocking back and forth as she held me. “It’s gonna be alright, I promise…” She whispered. “I’ll help you in whatever way I can.”
I let out a sniff as I looked at my griffon friend. “How can you be so sure that I’ll get better…?” I muttered.
“I’ll make sure of it, I promise Script.”
I felt a soft smile grow on my face as she said that, but it quickly turned into a frown. “So… what’s gonna happen now…?” I asked. “Am I going back to the psych ward?”
“I can’t force you, but if you want to go back, you can. It’s your choice. But it wouldn't hurt to go back."
I hung my head and nodded. "I think that might be what's best for now. Maybe for just a few days.”
Ellie pulled me in for another hug, holding me tight. “Want me to walk you over?”
I nodded my head as I got up from my bed, reaching for the knife but Ellie grabbed it before I could. “It’s probably best that you stay away from sharp objects at the moment.”
I nodded my head as I went to grab my stress blanket and a few other things I was allowed to bring last time. By the time I was finished, Ellie was ready to take me to the psych ward.
A few months had passed since that day. Ellie decided to move in with me after I got back from the psych ward and things have been getting better. I hadn’t relapsed since then and it felt good to be alive. I felt like things could actually get better. I heard Ellie call me downstairs for dinner and I looked at myself in the mirror with a smile on my face.
"You are stronger than you were yesterday," I say to myself.
It's a mantra Ellie and a few friends helped me come up with. I make my way to Ellie and we have dinner. We chatted about the day and my progress on bettering myself. I tell her that I've been keeping a journal and writing in it when I feel down as getting them out helps. I even keep a second journal for songs and other inspirational ideas for when I have good days. I plan to share them with my friends one day.
This whole experience has opened my eyes to help me see how cherished I am and that even if things get bad for me, there's always someone who'll fight to help me back up when I want to stay down. I may have enough reasons to want to die, but I also have a counterpart to it as someone will always come up with enough reasons I want to live.
Author's Note
Big thanks to my editor Ellie for giving me the idea for this chapter and helping me out with writing it. You're awesome girl! Also big thanks to Lotus Moon for helping me out with the ending, love ya sis!
I will be able to be reunited with all my lost ones, people that I’ve longed to be with over the years. The people who would truly understand my pain… and who knows, maybe I’ll have a chance to start over with life. Nobody can tell for sure what happens after death.
I sit under the large oak tree where my parent's gravestones are. I can't help but feel an urge to join them in death. I don't really have a purpose here anymore, I just ruin everything... nopony needs me... I should just go and join the others who I long to see again... My body grows tired as I sit there, so I lay down for a moment seeking comfort.
I open my eyes to find myself in darkness. I find my parents before me, along with my grandmother and friends I’ve lost over the years. Tears well up in my eyes as I long to be with them again.
I turn to my unicorn friend, Rose Diamond. She looks at me with a smile as she runs off and hides. I chase after her, letting out a soft giggle. As I chase after her, our surroundings change to a playground, and our bodies age back to fillies. I find Rose hiding in the tunnel slide as I sneak up on her, jumping out to surprise her. We both laugh as I turn to run and hide. I let out a giggle as she came closer, jumping out to surprise me as well.
I stopped chasing her as the surroundings changed to Rose’s bedroom. I saw her appear on the bed as I walked up to her and sat in front of her. She began to braid my mane as I sat still reading a book.
I see somepony walk up to us. I look up, finding my Grandmare standing in front of me. I run around her excitedly as the surroundings change once more to her house. I lay in her lap as she read me a bedtime story. I rub my eyes drowsily as I let out a yawn. I feel my dad ruffle my mane as he reads a history book and my mom knits in the corner. I felt safe here, with my family once more. I open my eyes, finding Rose in front of me once more, holding out her hoof.
"You can be happy with us again, Script," she uttered. "Just take my hoof, okay?"
I hesitated for a moment, then took it. I found myself being dragged into the darker parts of my mind as the surroundings changed back into darkness, then slowly back to my graveyard.
I open my eyes as I find myself back at my parent’s grave. I hang my head, wanting to have a reunion with them...want those precious moments with them again. But I never will be able to, never again will I feel that joy.
I didn’t realize how bad it would hurt once I would lose someone. Why did I take those little moments for granted? Why didn’t I spend more time with them? Why did I say the things I did to Rose?
I would give anything to spend one more day with her and tell her I’m sorry for everything.
Author's Note
I might add onto this later, I still got a part of it I wanna write just didn't know how to write it
Author's Note
Not sure if you saw the blog post from the other day, but I also added the ending chapter the other day but I don't think it notified anybody that it came out. Feel free to check it out!
Reason 8: Burden
I walked beside my group of friends heading to Sugar Cube Corner. They knew I haven’t been myself lately so they decided to take me out on a date night. I hated burdening them like that, I just feel like they take pity on me sometimes…
We walked into town towards Sugar Cube Corner. Pinkie Pie opened the door for us as she skipped into the sweets shop to prepare our orders.
I only hung my head as I slowly walked toward a table with my friends.
“Why the long face, Script?” Lilly asked.
I just shrugged as I stared at my hooves on the table.
After a few minutes, Pinkie Pie skipped along beside us giving out cupcakes. I just stared at my desert, feeling disgusted just looking at it.
“I’ve lost my appetite… I’m just gonna go home.” I sighed as I got up from my seat.
“Let me walk you home!” Ellie uttered.
My ears folded back slightly. “No, it’s alright. I can walk myself home, thank you.”
“I insist, Script it’s the least I could do for you.”
I let out a sigh in defeat and nodded my head. Pinkie Pie grabbed me a box, placing the cupcake inside and put it into a baggie, and handed it to me.
I waved goodbye to my friends as I walked out the door with Ellie.
“You guys really don’t have to do this for me, ya know….” I muttered.
“I know, but we want to cheer you up!” Ellie said. It’s the least we could do for you, Script. We want you to be happy.”
I only hung my head as my ears folded back. “I just don’t wanna become a burden to you guys…”
“You’re not a burden to us, Script, we love you.”
"I know, I just… never mind…"
"Script, if something is wrong, you can talk to us,"
"I know, I know… I just… can't help but feel you guys are better off with me gone…"
"You know that's not true, we love you Script."
"I know…" I sighed. "It just makes me feel worse if I think that…"
We slowly approached my house, and I started speed walking to the door, trying to get inside before the tears came rolling down my face.
“Script, you okay?” Ellie asked concerned.
“Yeah, I’m fine, just really tired.” I fibbed.
“You do look kinda tired, maybe you should get some rest,”
I nodded my head as I walked up to my doorstep and opened the door to my house, finally letting the tears fall down my face.
I ran into my room and threw myself onto the bed, sobbing.
I wake up with fright as I panic, struggling to breathe for a moment. I see myself in my room, just as it was before. I reach for my neck, finding nothing but flesh. I let out a sigh as I was able to calm down but not before sobbing once more. I turn to my dresser and stare at the drawer that hides my knife. I turn away and curl back up on my bed, crying myself to sleep.
Nobody will ever understand what I'm going through... but I still have to keep going through this Tartarus…
After a few hours of crying, I noticed the sun started to rise. I decided I might as well just get up and get ready for the day.
I got up grabbing the knife from my drawer and headed toward my bathroom to take a shower.
I turned the water on, letting the tub fill with water. I then grabbed the knife as I brought it to my skin and marked my hoof with one cut on each hoof. I let out a scream as I felt the burning pain grow on my hooves.
I then slowly crawled into the tub as I felt the tears run down my cheeks. I turned off the water as I laid myself down inside the tub.
I layed there for what felt like hours. I brought my hooves to my face as I stared at the scars on my body. More tears rolled down my face as I let my hooves fall back to my sides, the water splashing slightly.
I finally decided to get out of the tub and get ready for brunch. I got out of the tub pulling the plug as I grabbed my towel drying myself off. I then bandaged up the cuts then walked to my room.
I pulled the drawer open, putting the knife away as I walked over to my closet to grab a light sweater then headed downstairs.
I then grabbed my mask and put it on for the last time and headed out to my scheduled Tuesday morning brunch with friends.
Author's Note
I do have another chaper coming out for this story, just need to polish things up with it first.
