Met with Swift Justice

by Rainbowfan45

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Original Character, Mystery, Comedy, Pinkie Pie
Length: 5797

A series of bafflingly ridiculous cases

In the Equestia criminal justice system, the creatures are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: The police who investigate crime, and the district attorneys, who prosecutes the offenders. These are their stories.

Swift Justice runs a very professional courtroom. His eyes glare at the offenders in the defendant seat with just the right amount of intimidation, and he has no qualms about telling them to sit down and shut up if they dare to speak out of turn. His judgement is swift and unavoidable, matching each crime with exactly the right amount of harshness it deserves.

However, in spite of all that-

One could hardly call this a "normal" courtroom.

There are days when even Swift Justice is completely floored by the very unusual cases presented to him. But then again, should he really be so shocked, considering who Ponyville's Law Officer is?

Published 2021-05-19 14:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-05-24 16:47:09 UTC

The Baffling Case of Pizza Perpetration

Author's Note

The following story contains graphic descriptions of criminal activity. Viewer Discretion is advised.

Also, I plead guilty to writing every word of this stupid story all by myself and I have no regrets.

*Gets hoofcuffed*

...well this is awkward. Ah well. Time to write from jail, I suppose.

Oh, and any ideas for further chapters for me to add? Tell me about it!!

The Baffling Case of Pizza Perpetration

"Case number 2674321! Equestria vs. Syntax Silver! The honourable Judge Swift Justice presiding! All rise!"

Swift Justice ascended to his judgement seat with an air of seriousness that was not lost on any creature in the room. All eyes were locked on him as a respectful silence reigned. Once he was seated, he brushed an invisible bit of lint off his pristine robe and leveled an appropriately harsh glare at Syntax, before clearing his throat.

"Be seated."

There was a collective whoosh noise as they all sat down at once, save for the two attorneys at law, who stood stiffly in place awaiting their respective turns to address the judge. Swift studied the paper before him.

"Syntax Silver. Charged with the premeditated first degree felony of...." He stopped, blinking rapidly as his brows did their best to meet his mane line. "...placing pineapple on pizza?!"

"ITS CRIMINAL!" yelled out Rainbow Dash from her seat in the front row.

"Traitor! It's not!" Syntax shouted, leaping up to face her former friend.

"It is!! And now you are going to finally pay for it!"

"I will annihilate you!"

"Silence!!" Swift pounded his gavel. "Miss Silver, if you please, sit down and think about your bad choices in life! Furthermore, I'm tacking aggravated verbal assault to your list of crimes if you threaten Miss Dash again."

"What?! That's not even a-"

"Sit. Down."

Syntax slammed herself back into her seat with a huff, the chair creaking in protest at the abuse as she crossed her forelegs and glared defiantly at the judge. He narrowed his carnelian eyes at her, unimpressed at her display. Only when she looked down at the table did he move or speak.

"Now then..." his gaze drifted from the subdued defendant to the paper in his hooves, then back again. "May I ask who and why?"

Luckily, one pony knew exactly what he was asking.

"It was me! Silver and Dash were in a fight in the street arguing over this, so I arrested them both!"

Pinkie, clad in her best detective hat and with a pipe dangling from her mouth, stared at him seriously. Atop her hat sat a small green statue, or at least it would have been assumed to be one were it not for Gummy giving a very slow blink.

"Then why, exactly, is Miss Dash not seated at the table with Miss Silver?"

"Oh, because Gummy interrogated her thoroughly and we found she was only acting in self defense!"

"Is this true, Mr. Gummy?"

Another slow blink.

"Very well. Good job to Ponyville's finest law enforcement officers yet again." Swift inhaled. "Now. Cloudy Judgment?"

"Prosecution calls Rainbow Dash!"

Rainbow took the stand, despite vicious glares from Syntax, and raised her hoof as Pinkie popped up in front of her.

"Do you Pinkie Promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Celestia, on pain of being hunted by Applejack?"

Rainbow blinked, before nodding emphatically. "I do."

It was not going to bode well for her if she lied. Pinkie would chase her down, Celestia would have her mane for falsely swearing on her name, and Applejack would lecture her for her choices. Or worse. Much worse. There was that whole meeting after the pie fiasco with Pinkie....Rainbow shuddered at the thought.

"Okie dokie lokie!" Pinkie bounded back to her seat.

"Miss Dash, in your own words, could you tell us what you witnessed on the tenth of this month? And also on the sixth? And also..." Cloudy rattled off a long list of dates, pausing only when he was quite out of breath. "...please?"

"Sure! I saw Syntax eating pizza! But when I got close enough, I saw it had pineapple on it!" Rainbow made a face as the crowd in the courtroom gasped.

"I see. And how long has this been going on?"

"Ever since I met her. I knew she had a problem, but I was hoping it would fix itself."

"And when it didn't, what did you do?"

"I confronted her, just like multiple times before. She clobbered me with that disgusting stuff, and we had a fight. That's when Pin- I mean, Detective Pie, stepped in!"

"Thank you, Miss Dash. Nothing further."

"Your witness, Dusty." Swift said.

Dusty coughed and leveled Rainbow with a stern look. "Miss Dash. You say it was pineapple, but can you honestly tell if it really was?"

"What?"

"Have you ever eaten pineapple?"

"Uh, no..."

"How many times have you actually seen pineapple?"

"Er, once?"

"Then how do you know that my client did, in fact, have it on her pizza?!"

"BECAUSE SHE TOLD ME!"

"Did she, or did you just assume?"

"W-well she said it was good on pizza, so she obviously ate it before, and she was eating pizza at the time she said it so..."

"So how do you know, if you didn't smell it or taste it yourself?"

"Well, I mean, I guess I don't?"

"It could have been potatoes on that pizza, couldn't it Miss Dash?"

"Why would one put pota-"

"Answer the question!"

"Ok, yeah, sure."

"Nothing further!"

The courtroom was abuzz with excited murmurs, and Swift had to pound his gavel a few times to restore order.

"Any further witnesses?"

"One more, your honorship." Cloudy coughed. "I'd like to call Miss Applejack to the stand."

Syntax had gone rather pale, and slumped in her seat as the farmer trotted forward. If this was a crime, she was guilty and going to suffer consequences. Applejack was pure honesty, and anything she said would be crushing defeat for Syntax.

"Miss Applejack, you're a mare of fine standing in this town. Creatures trust your word. So tell me, what did you witness on the tenth of this month, and the sixth..."

As soon as his long list of dates was done, the red faced prosecutor inhaled deeply to regain his breath.

"Well I tell ya." Applejack coughed. "I saw Syntax eatin' pizza. An' it looked mighty tasty so I joined her. Had some strange topping on it to be sure."

"And what was the nature of this topping?"

"Hm...sweet, tangy, with a bit more acid than I recall in a fruit."

"Do you know it's name?"

"Mhm. Pineapple."

Startled gasps rang out and Syntax slumped forward into the table, her attorney scrambling through her papers to find some kind of convincing counter argument.

"So you're saying, under oath and on record, that Miss Silver was eating pineapple on pizza?"

"Eeeyup."

"I rest my case."

Dusty threw a stack of papers up in defeat. Then rethought her idea and picked up one and scanned it.

"Your honor, I have here a piece of paper to exhonerate my client." She waved it. "Equestria Book of Law does not by any means list pineapple as an illegal topping. In fact, according to this, it is stated that any item you choose may be used, with the exception of a few dangerous ones like magic filled mushrooms."

Swift beckoned for the paper, and Dusty gave it to him. After thoroughly scanning it, Swift nodded.

"Very well. Since there is no law against it, I hereby drop all felony charges against the accused. Case dismissed!"

BANG went his gavel.

"Oh this was so unfair!" Rainbow protested loudly.

Syntax gave her a look. "Rainbow."

"What!"

"You tried to have me convicted."

"Yeah?! So?!"

"So now I'm free to go, and I'm peeved at you."

"....oh no."

Rainbow backed away slowly and then zipped from the courthouse, with Syntax in hot pursuit. Swift just rolled his eyes and tidied up his bench in preparation for the next case.

Case of the Rough Diamond and Tarnished Silver

"Court will come to order!"

Swift Justice studied the papers before him, keen eyes taking in every detail.

"The case of Ponyville vs. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon!" The court clerk intoned expressionlessly.

"This is ridiculous! I shouldn't be here!!"

Swift lifted his eyes at this, and leveled a glare at the filly who had said it.

"Come again?"

"I shouldn't be here!" Diamond yelled, in a fit of indignant rage. "Do you know who I am?!"

"Young filly, you say this every time you get brought in here. This is the fourth time I have seen you and your friend in my coutroom. I have been far too lenient for far too long, it seems."

Swift's solemn announcement made Diamond's partner in crime go weak at the knees and sit on her flank with an audible plop, her expression one of terror. Diamond herself gulped nervously.

"My daddy is the richest man in town!! Why don't you just let him pay you to let me go?!"

Swift raised his eyebrows. "Miss Tiara. I know that you are a smart fully. Too smart for me to actually believe that I just heard you suggest letting your father bribe me. Now my hearing was acting strangely this morning, so I will chalk it up to that." He looked at the papers in front of him. "Hm. It appears you escalated in your crimes. Premeditated bullying, theft of a fellow student's art project, destruction of said art project, and to top it off, assault."

"Everypony knows blank flanks are nothing, anyway." Diamond said sullenly. "Besides, how does a paper ball mean assault?"

Dusty rose from her chair. "Your honor, my clients are good fillies of high standing, and they plead not guilty."

"I see." Swift leaned back in his seat. "Very well. Cloudy, I trust the prosecution is ready to proceed?"

"We are." Cloudy rose. "I call Detective Pinkamena Pie to the stand!"

Pinkie bounded up and took her place. Before anypony could ask, she raised both forehooves.

"I solemnly pinkie promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me Celestia and may Applejack haunt me in my dreams for a month if I don't!!!"

She sat down.

"Err...Detective Pie. Will you state for the record what happened on the fourth of this month?" Cloudy inquired.

"Oh sure! Well, Gummy and I were out on our usual rounds...you know, making sure nobody was stealing pastries or breaking any Pinkie promises!...when somepony called out to us! It was miss Cheerilee, and she asked could we please come to the school, so we did, and there was one little forlorn fully all sad and crying. And I HATE seeing ponies cry, so of course I had to be a party pony before I could be detective."

Her rambling was drawing amused snorts from the onlookers and annoyed grimaces from Cloudy, but she pushed on anyway.

"Once Twist, that's the filly, wasn't crying anymore, I found out that her art project for school was missing. So I looked at Gummy and I said, 'Gummy. You know what this means? We need a full scale search!' And Gummy totally agreed, so we started looking and that's when we found those two..." She pointed to the defendants "...not far from school with Twist's project completely smashed in front of them. I caught them red-hoofed!"

"Did they deny their involvement?"

"Nope! They said they were just holding on to it."

"Nothing further."

"Your witness, Dusty." Swift stated.

Dusty got up and began to pace. And pace. And pace. Pinkie followed every movement with her eyes, waiting.

"Detective Pie. They told you they were holding onto it, correct?"

"Yeppers!"

"Is it possible they were telling the truth?"

"Nope!"

"Why...?"

"Because they had scissors and a hammer! Now I ask you, why do you need scissors and a hammer for a hoof painting project?"

"You don't?"

"Nope! Especially one already painted. What would you have assumed if you say them?"

"Uhhh, that they were up to something?"

"Yeppers!! So I arrested them both! Wouldn't you have done the same thing??"

Dusty opened her mouth to speak, only to suddenly realize that Pinkie had somehow switched their roles with ease and was now the one doing the questioning. She blinked.

"Wait, I'm asking the questions..."

"Are you sure? Because you look confused! Do you want me to take over and cross-examine myself??"

"No that won't be necessary. I have nothing further." Dusty went back to her seat, suddenly feeling a headache coming on.

Cloudy stood. "Prosecution calls Twist, your honorary sir."

Swift rolled his eyes at the title as the filly in question trotted up to the stand, replacing Pinkie Pie.

"Now Twist, you know not to lie right?" Swift asked.

The filly looked horrified. "Lying is bad. You should never lie."

Diamond and Silver Spoon found the floor incredibly interesting at those words.

"Correct. Do you Pinkie promise not to?"

"Yes!"

"Proceed, counselor."

Cloudy coughed. "Twist, can you tell us what happened on the fourth?"

"Oh sure! It's like Pinkie said, my art project was stolen, and I was really upset cuz I worked hard on it. Do you know how hard it is to stomp your hooves all over a big canvas?! It's really tiring."

Cloudy barely shook his head, verbal answers eluding him.

"Well anyway. Pinkie went to hunting and she found it! Diamond and Silver had it, and they broke it. So sad."

"I see. And you're sure they meant to break it?"

"Well, they said they hated it and it should be destroyed, and it was all torn up when Pinkie found them with it."

"Nothing further."

Dusty cleared her thoat. "So, Twist, could they have been trying to help keep it safe and then accidently torn it up?"

"Nah...pretty hard to just tear it. You have to really rip and smash because that canvas is tough!"

Dusty sighed and went back to her chair, obviously feeling defeated. Swift looked at the two defendants.

"You know, theft and assault of any kind is normally punishable by time in jail or under house arrest-"

"ITS DIAMOND'S FAULT." Silver yelled suddenly.

"Silver, shut up!" Diamond cried.

"I'll testify against her!" Silver insisted.

"You traitor! How could you!"

"Silence!" Swift thundered as he banged his gavel. "You two have gotten away with your behaviour long enough. I intend to make this lesson memorable. So you are hereby sentenced to be Twist's assistants for two weeks. You will help her with project, do her homework, and on top of that be NICE to her."

"What?! You're making us her servants?!" Diamond screeched dramatically.

"Call it what you want." He returned evenly. "That is your punishment. And I'm also very strongly recommending to your parents that you be grounded."

"WHAT?!!" Diamond yelled in horror. "You can't- WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!"

"Swift Justice. And I find punishments that fit the crimes. You two hurt Twist and wrecked her project, therefore you will be nice to her and help with anything she asks."

"Can they help me rob the candy store?!" Twist shouted.

Swift snorted in spite of himself. "No. But they can help you make candy."

"This is the worst day of my life!" Diamond wailed as her father strode forward and grabbed her.

"It's going to be worse in a second." Filthy Rich said sternly. "I'm taking his advice, and you, little filly, are grounded for three weeks!"

"WHAAAT?!! DADDY, NO!" Diamond howled in horrified disdain as she dragged from the courtroom.

Silver Spoon did not fair much better, her father tugging her out of the room while promising that she, too, was grounded. She at least had the good sense not to scream about it like Diamond.

Swift straightened up his papers and smirked. Sometimes his creative and fitting punishments surprised even himself. Perhaps this would be the last he would see of these fillies in his courtroom, though with Diamond Tiara, he knew that was probably just wishful thinking. Ah well, it would at least be a long time before either of them got dragged in here again.

With a final shake of his head, he retired to his chambers to grab lunch and take a break before moving on to his next case.

Author's Note

Thanks to RoyalBardofCanterlot for the idea of dealing with juvenile delinquents, and also the idea of punishment used in this chapter.

The Curious Case of the Bakery Incident

"Sir! Court convenes in two minutes!"

Swift looked up from his desk and nodded curtly at the anxious clerk, who quickly vanished from view. Rising, he put away his quill and donned his robes with an almost sacred reverence. A quick brush of his hoof over his just barely unruly chestnut mane and he was presentable to go do his job.

He entered the courtroom on cue, and ascended to the bench, taking his seat solemnly and shuffling his papers impressively, not even taking note of the accused waiting at the defendant table.

"What is next on the docket?"

"The Case of Ponyville vs. Pinkamena Diane Pie!"

Swift's head shot up and he took a good look at the defendant, eyebrows raising in surprise.

"Detective Pie?!"

"I am just Pinkie right now." She returned mournfully. "I'm suspended from duty until this is all cleared up."

Swift blinked his eyes rapidly, not even bothering to ask who had suspended her when she was literally Ponyville's only actual official commanding law officer, and by extension her own superior officer, then looked down at the papers he had been rustling about. He studied them intently.

"Charged with the untimely demise of an entire batch of baked goods and the disappearance of another, all of which were spoken for for a party." He frowned.

Collective gasps rang out at this announcement and multiple pairs of eyes settled on Pinkie, holding looks of either disdain, disbelief, or brutal disappointment. Pinkie deflated a little.

"Detec- er, Miss Pie, how do you plead?"

"Not guilty!" Dusty yelled from beside her.

"I see. Very well. And who was the...arresting officer in this case?"

Cloudy stood, a smug expression on his face.

"The prosecution has this criminal dead to rights, your honourable judge. We call Rookie Detective Gummy to the stand!"

Swift arched an eyebrow as the witness was carried forth and placed on a stack of books piled in the witness chair, from whence he was forced to see the betrayed and disappointed blue orbs of the party pony locked upon him. The clerk looked at him, inhaling.

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you Celestia?"

Gummy gave a slow blink.

Cloudy coughed. "Now then, you were the arresting officer on this case, correct?"

Blink.

"You conducted a thorough investigation?"

Blink.

"And were you convinced Miss Pie was indeed the culprit?"

Blink.

"Nothing further." Cloudy took a seat.

Dusty was staring intensely at the alligator, who stared intensely back, neither of them daring to break their vicious eye contact by violating it with even half a blink. Finally Dusty huffed.

"I have no questions for this witness."

Gummy was carried reverently back to his seat next to a simply scandalized looking Rarity...although nopony could be sure if that was because she was forced to be his seatmate, or because one of her best friends was being accused of the bakery crime of the century.

"I call Sweetie Belle to the stand!!" Cloudy shouted out, very emotionally.

Sweetie trotted up and took her place. After being sworn in, she was subjected to one of Cloudy's most charming and calming smiles.

"Now then, Miss Belle. Can you tell us what transpired on the eighth of this month? Do take your time, and don't be nervous."

Sweetie was far from nervous. She pondered briefly, then grinned.

"Well, me and the Crusaders were busy crusadering like we always do, and we saw Pinkie Pie come bouncing up to us all happy. She gave us a whole tray full of cupcakes! Then she stayed and ate half of em, and she also blasted her brand new cannon for us too. But anyway! We were happy to get them cuz we were hungry!"

"Can you describe these cupcakes?"

"Yeah! Chocolate, with strawberry icing and lots of sprinkles!"

"Had you seen these cupcakes before?"

"Yep! They were on a tray in the Sucarcube Corner display window!"

"No further questions."

Dusty rose as Cloudy sat down.

"Sweetie Belle. How were the cupcakes?"

"Delicious! Just like always."

"Now are you sure these were the same cupcakes you saw previously in the window?"

"Yes ma'am! They were cuz they had a really cool label that I remember seeing."

"Anypony could have made more though, and replaced the label. Correct?"

"Well yeah, I guess."

"So you can't be sure they were the same?"

"No, I guess not."

"Nothing further!" Dusty sat down.

Cloudy rose. "Cross examine!iss Belle, did you notice anything suspicious at the bakery that day?"

"Nothing but some smoke in the kitchen. Pinkie wasn't on hoof so I ducked in and opened some windows."

"And when was this?"

"Well, I don't know, but a couple hours past lunch. So I guess...two?"

"Very interesting. Thank you, nothing further."

Sweetie was sent back to her chair and Cloudy turned an impressive stare on Pinkie.

"I call Miss Pie to the stand!"

"Oh now wait, objection!" Dusty protested. "You cannot force a defendant to testify against themselves!"

"It's only forcing if he badgers her and drags it out of her after she refuses to answer." Swift returned calmly. "And he won't do that because he's a very smart stallion who knows I will not tolerate badgering of witnesses or defendants or anycreature else in this coutroom without swift retribution to the one doing it. Correct, Cloudy Judgement?"

"But of course, your honored royalship."

Swift rolled his eyes and motioned. "Continue. Miss Pie, take the stand."

Pinkie looked incredibly nervous as she obeyed the command, taking her seat. The clerk stood in front of her, coughed, and intoned with nearly zero inflection, "Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Celestia?"

"And on pain of being haunted by Applejack if you lie!" Rarity called out helpfully, earning a reprimanding glare from Swift for her trouble.

"I do." Pinkie replied, somewhat unsteadily.

"Miss Pie, where were you on the eighth, at say, two in the afternoon?"

Pinkie gulped. "I was at the bakery."

"Miss Pie, you are under oath, do not lie."

"I was at the bakery..."

"Miss Pie!!" Cloudy's voice went up a notch. "You were in fact NOT at the bakery, were you? You heard Miss Belle's testimony! She was there at that time and you were not!"

Pinkie was sweating, comically large droplets of perspiration trickling down her head and neck.

"Where. We're. You?" Cloudy insisted, leaning in so their muzzles nearly touched, his amber eyes deeply accusing.

"Gahhh! Okokokok! I wasn't there!" Pinkie wailed. "I left, just for a few minutes, to take some treats to the Crusaders, and blast my confetti cannon for them, but-but it took longer than it should and I got back too late, and the poor cupcakes were all buuuuurrrrned!!!!"

She ended her tale of woe with a pained howl, plopping her head on the railing in front of her while the crowd just gasped in horror at this revelation, and her attorney slumped in her chair with a heavy sigh of defeat.

"And what of the treats you took to the fillies?" Cloudy demanded ruthlessly. "Were they ones you baked specifically for them?"

"No! They were-they were ones meant for a partyyyyy!" Pinkie sobbed loudly and with obnoxious gusto.

"So in essence, YOU STOLE THEM?"

"YES! I DID IT! I'M A CUPCAKE MURDERER AND THIEF! I'M SORRY!"

Swift coughed. "Well then. Since we now have your confession, Miss Pie, I suppose it now falls to me to issue punishment."

"It won't be too harsh, will it?" Pinkie asked worriedly. "like, getting blasted with cake batter by Equestria's biggest party cannon kind of harsh?"

"Miss Pie. You have committed grave sins against baked goods everywhere today, and you must pay for them with serious consequences." Swift narrowed his eyes. "So are you ready to hear my sentencing of you?"

She sniffled. "Yes."

"Pinkamena Diane Pie, you are hereby ordered to accept no payments from the Cakes for three weeks. During that time, you work for free. In addition, you will bake three times the number of the cupcakes you stole and do with them whatever the Cakes instruct."

Pinkie shuddered. That was harsh, but not too unbearable.

"And Miss Pie?" Swift's stern gaze pinned her to her chair. "You are hereby restricted from party cannon use of any kind for one whole week. Perhaps that shall be incentive enough to make you remember not to leave baked goods in the oven while you go frolicking off to deliver treats randomly and play with your cannon while you have a job to do."

"Noooooooooooo!!!"

Pinkie's wail was one of earth-shattering misery at this horrible pronouncement, and she was still wailing as her friends dragged her from the courtroom, leaving Swift Justice to massage his ringing ears as he marked this case closed.

Case of the Unlawful Snuggler

Swift rubbed his muzzle and inhaled before straightening his robe and marching into the courtroom for yet another hearing. His clerk, looking almost terrified, had informed him this case was going to be quite a shock for him, so he braced himself. He was not given to fits of utter tantrum levels of disbelief...he prided himself in being cool and perfectly collected.

He settled into his seat, shuffling his papers and sorting to the one for today's case while also preparing a harsh glare to bestow on the offender at the right time.

"Case of Equestria vs-" his clerk's normally monotone voice cracked, and then he tried again. "Case of Equestria vs. The Royal Sisters."

Swift might well have been a statue for all he went completely rigid at the words. Gradually his gaze slid upwards to rest on the defandants' table. As his clerk had stated, there sat Celestia and Luna side by side in all their regal glory, gazing straight back at him with neutral expressions. Next to them, Dusty looked to be a mix of over excited and terrified.

Swift's right eye twitched. Somehow, with exceeding difficulty, he managed to very calmly address the sisters.

"Princess Celestia. Princess Luna." He inhaled. "Clerk. Why are the royal sisters in my courtroom?"

"I-its on your paper, sir."

Swift looked down, scanning the pages in his hooves. His eyebrows successfully met his mane line.

"Charged with running an illegal dungeon and cruel and unusual torture methods?!"

His decorum slipped for a fraction of a second, eye twitching furiously. He took multiple breaths and then focused an appropriately disapproving glare at the monarchs.

"How do you plead?"

"Ahem." Dusty rose. "My esteemed clients plead not guilty, your honour."

"Very well. Cloudy, is the prosecution prepared to call its first witness?"

"We are, your noble honorship sir."

"Cloudy?"

"Sir?"

"Get my name right for today. There is royalty present."

"Yes, your honour."

Cloudy checked his files, then cleared his throat.

"Prosecution calls Syntax Silver to the stand!"

Syntax trotted up and took her seat.

"Do you-"

"-solemnly Pinkie Promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me Celestia, on pain of being haunted by Applejack, cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye? I do."

Swift's baffled clerk to his seat, and Cloudy stepped forward.

"Miss Silver, can you tell this court what transpired on the second of this month?"

"Oh sure. See, I went to Canterlot, on some writing business you understand, and while I was there I happened to run into a really nice stallion. He said he was doing an article about the Princesses and all that. We had some coffee together, and then we took a walk. And just as we passed through a small, fairly secluded park, we were jumped by royal guards. There was a fight, and well, the last thing I remember was something stung me, and I blacked out." She paused for breath.

"I see. And what happened next?"

"I woke up strapped to a table in a purple room."

"Er, by purple, you mean...?"

"I mean purple, counselor. The walls were purple, the floor was purple, there were purple pillows literally everywhere. Shucks, even the table and the straps holding me were PURPLE." She shuddered.

"Do you need a moment?" Swift asked?

"No, I'm fine. My therapist says it's good to talk about it." Syntax returned.

"Ok, so then what, Miss Silver?"

"So when I was fully awake and realized where I was, I kinda panicked. And then the door to the room opened and in came Princess Luna herself, grinning like a mad pony, and honestly it was terrifying."

"Understandable." Cloudy cough, shooting a smug glare at the defendants. "Then what?"

"Well, Princess Luna approached the table..."

"Well hello, my little pony! You're awake!"

"Where am I?!"

"You are in the Canterlot dungeon."

"The Canterlot dun- why am I in here?!" Syntax thrashed, but was quite helpless due to the straps holding her down.

"Well you see, my little pony," Luna all but purred. "Your companion was hired to try and take my sister and I out."

"...out to dinner."

"No, as in kill us. He is an assassin." Luna grinned slightly. "We looked thoroughly into him, and he even admitted we were right."

"Fine! So why am I here?!"

"Simple. You were with him. What was your part in this plan?"

"Nothing! I was just walking with him!"

"Hmmm." Luna nuzzled her head along her neck. "You are very soft."

"I- wha-" Syntax was thoroughly panicked now.

"You can tell me the easy way, or I can torment it out of you."

"Torment-?! But-"

"Shhhh. What was your part in this, little pony?"

"I DIDN'T HAVE A PART!"

With a tsk, Luna lightly hopped up on the table, lowering her body onto Syntax, nuzzling her as her forelegs wrapped around her in a tight and warm hug. Syntax stiffened. What manner of torture was this?!

"Now then, tell me or I shall be forced to cuddle you even more viciously."

Syntax blinked. To be honest, cuddles weren't so horrible. Wait, was she being brainwashed into this?! She tried to squirm but was quite unable to.

"No! You're trying to get in my head! I wasn't part of his schemes! I swear! Have mercy on me, I'm just an innocent pony!"

"Hmm. Nopony is innocent until proven so. I have yet to prove you so." Luna continued her snuggles without a shred of mercy.

Syntax shrieked...though at this point it was in mock terror since Luna seemed to have to plan to kill her.

"No! Spare me these cuddles! Oh the horror! Princess, this is the worst!"

"I am quite certain. Are you feeling like confessing something yet?"

"No! If you keep this up I might confess that I took a slice of your sister's personal cake at the last royal party!"

The intercom buzzed. "Sister. Cuddle her to absolute insanity. Nopony. Touches. My. Cake!"

Syntax screamed in absolute non-horror as Luna did as her sister commanded.

"...and in spite of my screaming Princess Luna would NOT STOP HER TORTURE! Do you know how much trauma I suffered from those snuggles?! Cruel and unusual punishment, I tell you! I have not been the same since! And purple! It gives me terrible flashbacks!"

In truth, the horror on her face did not reach her eyes...the navy orbs held a hint of amusement. Cloudy nodded at her.

"Thank you, Miss Silver. Nothing further."

Dusty gazed at Syntax. "Miss Silver. Are you quite certain you did not simply dream this?"

"Dream about being knocked out and waking up in a purple room tied to a table being mercilessly and brutally violated with soft, warm hugs?!" Syntax shivered unconvincingly. "It was horrible. My therapist says it will be years before I heal."

"But you could have dreamed it, correct? Perhaps you were low on decent sleep? Perhaps you dozed off and just dreamt the whole thing."

"I did not. It happened. I have feathers to prove it."

Her words were backed up by Cloudy holding up a plastic bag in which resided two extremely dark blue feathers.

Dusty sighed in defeat. "Nothing further."

Cloudy stood as Syntax left the stand. "Prosecution calls Sargent Tangerine Sunrise to the stand!"

The witness trotted to the stand and took a seat. After being sworn in, he looked to Cloudy.

"Mr. Sunrise, you were a normal guard at the Canterlot Palace, correct?"

"I was."

"You walked away from that job on the first of this month, correct?"

"I did."

"Can you tell us why?"

"Because I was assigned to a special top secret detail of Princess Luna's own creation."

"And what was the nature of that job?"

"I was to guard and protect the deepest level of dungeons."

"I see. And these were not sanctioned dungeons, correct?"

"According to the law, no. The Princess had them designed to help interrogate prisoners through highly...unorthodox and uh, intimate means."

"Meaning what, Mr. Sunrise?"

"She essentially built Cuddle Dungeons."

Cloudy grinned smugly. "I see. Nothing further."

Luna was whispering to Dusty, who finally rose.

"Your honor, my clients would like to change their plea to guilty."

Swift blinked. "I see...very well then. Mr. Sunrise, take your seat."

The guard obeyed, and Swift coughed.

"In light of the testimony, and the Princesses' own guilty pleas, it is time for me to pass sentence on them for their criminal ways." His gaze locked on the sisters. "I am sentencing both of you to three days of hard time in your own cuddle dungeons, to be carried out and overseen by the very victim of your crimes, Miss Syntax Silver."

He banged his gavel and the guards in the room descended on the Princesses, escorting them out while Syntax followed wearing the most evil of grins on her face.

Swift shook his head and retired to his chambers to recover from the bizzare case with a glass of his best brandy.

Author's Note

Inspiration for this chapter came from this story right here: Luna's Cuddle Dungeon, Written by CategoricalGrant

Full credits for this chapter's idea goes to them!