Anons' Funeral

by Twisted Sonata

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Main 6, Discord, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Death, Sad, Princess Luna, Anon, Comedy, Princess Celestia
Length: 1258

Anon passed away. His closest friends mourn him. Surely no-ones going to interput this sad time?

Anon passed away. His closest friends gather in the empty dining hall to mourn the loss of their friend. It should be a time for reflection, and for emotional output. Nothing will interrput them, right?

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Criticism welcome (be gentle, it's my first time uploading).

Teen - Sex tag warning for like, two lines. Death tag cause, you know, Anon died. Yes it's an Anon story.

Published 2021-05-31 01:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-05-31 01:50:00 UTC

Interruptions

The service was lovely. Being the only human in Equestria, Anon had met many different creatures and surely changed the lives of all who encountered him. Even so, Anons’ funeral was a small, private ordeal. A final gift to the poor man. He never really liked crowds and although many could call him a friend, only a few were close in his heart.

“That was a beautiful service,” whispered the white alicorn from her perch in the castle dining hall. Her serene disposition betrayed only by a few tear stains on her cheeks. Her normally colourful mane appeared as though it had been drained of all its beauty.

“Sister... You need not hide your feelings so,” spoke the navy alicorn to her side. She nuzzled her older sister affectionately, as though to coax out the feelings she’s keeping bottled up. The stars that usually lit up her black and blue mane were dull and lifeless.

While their experience and longevity had given them the ability to process such loss better than their younger counterparts, she did not hide her sorrow as much as her sister.

“I ... I mi-miss him so mm-much,” wept the pink pony. Normally full of bubbles and laughter, her mane has all but deflated as she tried to hide her sniffles.

“I know Pinkie,” comforted the yellow Pegasus. “We all do.”

Pinkie released a full waterfall of tears as she hugged the yellow Pegasus.

“I did so enjoy making clothes for the man,” spoke up the purple-mane unicorn. “His form always made the creations such a fun challenge.” Though she appeared to have some control, her mascara, or whatever was left of it, revealed the many paths that her tears had already taken.

“Rarity…” sighed the purple alicorn, her wings drooped by her side.

The orange Earth Pony and blue Pegasus sat in silence, heads low. Nothing was said. Nothing needed to be said. They knew how much they were going miss the stupid monkey.

The atmosphere in the dining hall was heavy and still, disturbed only by soft sniffles and the infinite tears of a pink pony.

BOOM!

A loud noise echoed through the hall, causing the mourners to jump in shock. They start to look around the hall. Their ears jolt to attention, swivelling around as they search out the origin.

“What was that?” Twilight inquired, worry creeping into her voice.

BANG!

Before anyone could offer an explanation, another loud noise permeated the hall, this time its origin clear as the main entrance shook violently. All eyes fell to the door, ears standing on end and muscles tightening. It was quite again. Too quiet.

“Sh-should we go have a look?” gulped Rainbow, glancing at her friends.

Applejack nodded at her blue friend and started to shift in her seat as she prepared to head to the door.

Crash!

She didn’t get far as the large doors to the dining hall are forced open with tremendous power.

The doors swing open as a Pegasus dives through them and lands on her hooves in front of the shocked crowd.

“WHICH ONE OF YOU DID THIS?!” yelled the Pegasus. The voice that echoed around the hall was very, very angry, “WELL?!”

The intruders emerald green coat and feathers were ruffled like she had flown through a hurricane. Her mane and tail were a complete mess, jutting out at all sides.

A gasping wail was heard before a thump. The intruding Pegasus looked over the table, witnessing the dramatic fainting of Rarity.

After what felt like an eternity, Princess Celestia finally spoke up.

“Excuse me but... who are you?”

“DON’T GIVE ME THAT CRAP SUNBUTT!” she burst out. “I WANT TO KNOW NOW!”

Taken back by the outburst, Princess Celestia frowned. This pony was being very rude, and during a time of mourning too.

“How did you even get here?” Princess Luna’s voice echoed. The emerald pony did not respond. She didn’t need to. A glance towards the door revealed two unconscious guards.

The air was tense, as though divine lightning would strike anypony in the room who made the wrong move. Somepony had to try and diffuse the situation.

“Did what exactly?” Twilight finally asked.

The green Pegasus looked at the small princess.

“This,” she waved her hoof at herself, “obviously.” The anger in her voice, though still painfully there, had been covered in a layer of control. “Well, this isn’t so much the problem,” She continues, turning her back on the table. “It’s THIS!” The green pony presents herself to her audience.

The entire table blushes. Some gasping into their hooves while a few others sneak a peek through their feathers. Perverts.

Straightening herself up, she rotates back to face the table.

“If it wasn’t any of you,” the Pegasus growled. The wheels in her head turning.

“DISCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORD!!!!!!!!!!!” her voice bounced around the hall. “DISCORD! GET OUT HERE NOW!”

Poof!

“To what do I owe your screeching?” Floating above the green Pegasus, the lord of chaos casually fiddled with his claw, not even glancing around the room. “It is rude to interrupt ones mourning you know.”

“Oh please, you weren’t mourning,” the Pegasus shot back. “Did you do this to me?”

The event took a strange turn. Under normal circumstances, the intruder would have been dealt with swiftly, either by the castle guards or by the ponies in the room. However, the emotions from the funeral along with this sudden development left them all frozen in place. They were all entranced, like watching a soap opera unfold.

The draconequus sighed and twisted his head, leering down at the pony that called him out. The silence was deafening as the two creatures stared each other down. The entire room held its breath.

“He-he...” Discord grasped at his muzzle as a choked giggle escapes his lips. His control didn’t last long. The spirit bursts into a fit of hearty laughter, holding his sides as he rolls about in the air. He may have even quite literally laughed his ass off. The Pegasus was not amused.

The draconequus wiped the tears from his eyes, finally regaining his composition. He looked down at the Pegasus, grinning from one side of his smug face to the other.

“Oh you poor giiiirl,” he smirked.

“Don’t push it,” the mare glared, gritting her teeth.

“Ha-ha… oh but I can. And I must! This is too priceless!” Discord hummed cheerily, “This will bring me such joy for years.”

“Whatever you did, undo it now!”

“Oh my dear little pony. I haven’t done anything,” Discord countered. “In case you’ve already forgotten, you are immune to my magic.”

The green mares face fell. Discord was right. She slumped backwards onto her plot, her wings sagging to the floor and tears gathering in her eyes.

“I… I…” she sniffed through her nose.

A slow sense of realisation passed over the other ponies. One by one, their mouths opened in surprise. There was only one being immune to Discords magic.

“Oh I am soooo looking forward to watching you… adapt,” Discord chimed bringing his face level with the green pony. “My little… sweet… Anonymous.”

Discord snapped his claw and disappeared in a shower of sparks.

All eyes fell on the green mare. Her sniffling got louder, her eyes leaking tears with no sign of stopping. She released a pained howl.

“I WANT MY DICK BAAAACK!”

Author's Note

My first time writing in what feels like a millenia. Had a good laugh in the shower about this and thought I'd try to share.