Fallout Equestria: Killing with Kindness

"I wonder what went through their heads about me."

Fluttershy spoke so softly Syntax barely caught it. She had her eyes closed, and a single tear had escaped.

"They had to have known where the megaspells came from. I told Rarity, and Rainbow knew. But did the others? I don't really remember. Did they blame me? They should have. The Crusaders blamed all the Ministry Mares, but really, it was my fault. I hope their last thoughts of me weren't...bad. Even if I deserve it."

Syntax took her hoof in both her own. "Fluttershy, you couldn't have known they would take your megaspells and use them against you. You were tired of the war, tired of the fight, tired of watching lives be lost. You did what you thought would help."

"I should have known. But I was so sure it would work I never even considered they might use it on us. I just wanted to do better, be better. Stop the senseless war before more got hurt or killed. Bring my friends back together again. I just, I don't know. I don't know how it all went wrong, but I do know that I was the sole one to blame. This land would never have seen an apocalypse if not for me." Her breathing hitched; she was trying not to cry. "I wish there was a way to ask for forgiveness. My friends deserve that much. But I can't."

Syntax moved to sit by her on the bed, wrapping her forelegs around the weak and trembling form now wracked with coughs and ragged breaths.

"They would forgive you wholeheartedly, Fluttershy. I'm sure of it. They wouldn't want you to loathe yourself for whatever remains of your life. They would want you to smile. Pinkie would demand you turn that frown upside down!"

This got a smile out of her. But her eyes were pained.

"I wish I had a few moments with them, like old days." She reiterated, leaning against Syntax, sighing. "I lost everything because of what I did. My friends were gone. It was all just gone."

Syntax simply held her, not even sure what to say to comfort her. How did you comfort somepony that was carrying the crushing weight of so much guilt on her shoulders? She felt a shudder pass through the older mare's body and slightly tightened her grip.

"Syntax?"

"Yes?"

"Is- can there ever truly be forgiveness for such things?"

"Yes." Syntax didn't even hesitate. "Fluttershy, there is nopony that blames you. You acted on what you hoped would end the war. You did what your Ministry was built for. You tried to create peace in place of war. Healing instead of pain. Life instead of death. Nopony could ever blame you for that."

"Even though it cost Equestria everything? Killed countless thousands? Turned the land into nothing but a radiation filled wasteland? There's thousands of deaths, Syntax, that are on my hooves, all because I was foolish enough to think I could trust such powerful magic to the enemy. I killed them all, as sure as if I had released those megaspell attacks on them with my own two hooves."

Her body was shaking violently, her tears streaming freely. Syntax felt her heart ripping in two at the pain that was radiating from her friend. Her words were not sinking into her anguished and guilt ridden mind. She was convinced the blame for this lay squarely on her shoulders, and hers alone.

"I know what they wanted to do. The Crusaders. Scootaloo especially. Lock us in Stable One and never let us out. Make us pay for what happened to the world by keeping us and our future generations locked away til not one of us was left alive. I wish I had been in that Stable. But then, maybe it was better that I wasn't. Better that I had to face my sins from the hilltop. Better that I had to see what my choice brought."

Days stretched into weeks, weeks into months, months into years. As the wasteland claimed lives on a daily basis with it's pockets of toxic gasses and pools of remaining pink clouds, along with the horrific hybrids the toxic waste produced, and as innocent lives of ponies and creatures were savagely ripped away by the raiders and thieves that ravaged and pillaged and destroyed, Fluttershy watched from the tallest seat the forest could offer her.

Day in and day out she thought of what might have been had she just not given the enemy the power they had ultimately used to destroy everything. She thought of her friends. In fact, her friends became her mental escape. As the killing joke wreaked it's bloody havoc on the victims it lured in, Fluttershy slipped into mental images of her friends when the sight of gore and spraying blood was too much.

She thought of Rarity, the fashion designer and most generous of them all. How she never judged her for her choice of giving the spells to the enemy in a desperate bid to end the carnage once and for all. About how she had so willingly sacrificed herself to save her life. And there was no doubt in her mind that Rarity had died in her office, blocking the obnoxious gasses while teleporting her to what she had hoped was safety.

In a sick, twisted sort of way it was safety. Safety from death at least. However, it was far worse than if she had simply died in that office with her friend. She might be alive, but it was no life. Only existence. And a horrific one at that. But Rarity could not have known that. Her final act for Fluttershy had been to simply ensure she would survive. And she had succeeded...just not the way she would have liked.

With the screams of another victim sounding in the background, Fluttershy's thoughts drifted to the others. Where were they all? She could only hope they had lived through the onslaught, hope they had gotten safely into Stables where they would stay alive. Rainbow Dash would have the chance to live out her days just being awesome. Applejack would have the chance to live out hers doing what she had always done best: be an apple farmer. Pinkie Pie would have the chance to live hers throwing the best parties ever seen. And perhaps, she and Twilight would be able to patch things up between them. As for Twilight, well, she would have the chance to continue being a bookworm, and passing down her countless years of study to younger generations. Rarity, she thought with sorrow, would never have a chance to live out her days being a fashionista. Her life was tragically over.

Fluttershy was unable to ignore the now higher pitched screaming of the victim being brutally murdered. Her attention was drawn back to it as she silently cried, helpless to stop it. The noisy splashing of blood against the base of her trunk was unmistakeable and seemed horribly amplified throughout the woods. She didn't even know anymore how many layers of blood and gore covered her. She had lost count a long time ago.

Mercifully, the screaming stopped, replaced with a final sickening cracking and popping of bones being torn apart, and the pony's remains disappeared under a pile of the killing joke. Fluttershy would have screamed in agonized protest against the plants' sadistic and coldly brutal actions had she had the capabilty, but she could not. And she had learned a long time ago that the protests would have done no good anyway.

She still wished for death, but knew it would never come. She didn't know how many other victims would die cruelly at her base, but she did know the killing joke would make sure she witnessed every single one of them.

This was the twisted punishment it had chosen to give to her, and nothing short of a miracle would ever undo it.