Faking It

by dziadek1990

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Slice of Life
Length: 1096

Cutie Mark Crusaders try to help their sisters financially by utilizing questionably-legal methods.

Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash were hurt by a recent tax hike. Cutie Mark Crusaders have a... questionably legal plan for helping them financially.

A submission for the 2021-05-17 Quills and Sofas Speedwriting contest. Prompts: Death, Taxes, Wanted.

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Reading by Pony&Wolf Productions

Published 2021-05-23 00:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-05-23 00:40:00 UTC

Faking It

"Hmmm... how about I break my neck when trying to do a back-flip?" Scootaloo suggested, scratching her head in thought.

"Y'kiddin?" Apple Bloom barked a laugh. "Who would believe THAT? Yesterday you did a triple backflip and a cartwheel no problem. NOPONY would believe you hurt yourself from such a tiny thing."

"Oh right. So what? A tr... three-plus-one-uple... I mean four-uple backflip? I never did those. Would ponies believe that?"

Apple Bloom hmmmm'd.
"Still... instant death seems a bit much just from a lil' thingie like that. Ah think you'd need something with a BIGGER kick ta kill you. Like..." She hmm'd once more. "...like colliding with a tree at full speed. Remember that time ya tried to outrace yer shadow ta get a Speedster Cutie Mark just like Rainbow Dash? What if ya got it BUT ya still sucked at braking and stopping, and then collided with a tree right after you did a Sonic Scootaboom?"

" 'Sonic Scootaboom'??" This time it was Scootaloo's turn to bark a laugh. It was a long bark.

"Yeah, well– oh hi Sweetie Belle!" Apple Bloom nodded before interrupting herself.

"Hi Apple Bloom! Hi Scoots! How's–" Sweetie Belle said cheerily, and then her expression changed when she turned her head towards Scootaloo. Specifically, her eyes focused on something above and quite a bit behind Scootaloo's shoulder.

"Why is there a life-sized doll that looks like a crushed Apple Bloom under a collapsed apple tree?" she asked, incredulous, pointing at the things she mentioned.

"We're trying to commit a Life Insurance Fraud!" Scootaloo announced. "We need to get that sweet Crime Money to give it to our sisters to show them how much we care about them! Especially since they said that taxes took a huge chunk of their bits this year. (Also: financial fraud cutie marks! woohoo! BORN TO BE CRIMINAL!)"

Apple Bloom nodded. "We already took care of our deaths, and we're just left with killing Scootaloo!" she added with an unsettling amount of enthusiasm.

"Yeah, but so far everything I suggest she blows it off, saying it won't work, like I'm invincible or something... but I am not! Plenty of stuff can kill me!"

"Except landing on yer head, collisions with trees at speeds slower than sound, falling from great heights because even with yer wings you still can hover and glide, eating poison because you survived all of Sweetie Belle's cooking so far–"

(Sweetie Belle huffed. Scootaloo laughed.)

"...wait, what was that Sonic Scootaboom you mentioned earlier?" Scootaloo interrupted. "You said IT could be THE thing that finally kills me?"

Sweetie Belle raised her hoof.
"Wait, you said that you killed everyone except Scootaloo? So it means you killed me too?"

"Yup. Yer corpse is over there," Apple Bloom said, pointing to an unsightly vaguely Sweetie-shaped pile of ash that was mixed with pieces of a partially-burned picnic table.

"...and how did I die?" Sweetie asked, raising her eyebrow.

"You tried to make cold cereal, duh!" Scootaloo said, sticking out her tongue.

"NOT a joke." Apple Bloom added, when she saw the face that Sweetie Belle was making.

Sweetie Belle shrugged and changed the subject. "Where did you get this idea anyways? Life... insurance... fraud? It does not sound like a thing you would come up with on your own..."

"Power Ponies issue #42, with the Fearsome Financial Fraud as the issue's villain!"

"He sucked, ta be honest, but some of his ideas were cool enough that we decided ta try them. (Ah mean, after we read more about this 'Insurance Fraud' thingie in the library, because that FFF-guy didn't really go into any useful detail about the thing...)"

"Ideas like this one," nodded Scootaloo, pointing to the butt of Bloom's false corpse that was still sticking from under the collapsed tree. Sweetie Belle squinted at it; something was missing...

"Oh, Apple Bloom. I think you forgot to add blood."

"Really?" She looked at the corpse. "Dangit, Ah'll go get some ketchup... Ah just hope there is enough..."

***

"So, about that Sonic Scootaboom..." Scootaloo returned to the subject a minute or two into Apple Bloom's attempts to make the ketchup-gore at least a tiny bit convincing.

Apple Bloom nodded, not taking her eyes off her ketchup-soaked cadaver.

"Yeah, basically we will set off fireworks, and make sure we took the ones that explode orange and purple, and then we'll explode them near a tree where your scooter and cart will be, and it will look like you broke the sound barrier and killed yourself colliding with a tree. Sound good?"

"What? No! I don't want to DESTROY my scooter just for that! And my cart? Isn't it actually YOUR cart?"

Apple Bloom thought about it. "Ah guess it is. Huh... let's not destroy it then."

"Oh sure, and when it was NOT your cart you had no problems exploding it to pieces..."

Apple Bloom just shrugged and smiled, sticking out her tongue at Scootaloo.

Sweetie Belle gasped.

Apple Bloom turned to her. "...what?"

"You researched the Insurance Fraud in the library? Just like that?"

Apple Bloom stared at her, confused. "...yeah?" she eventually answered.

"DON'T YOU REMEMBER ISSUE #23 OF POWER PONIES WHERE THEY FOUND THE BAD GUYS BY JUST CHECKING WHO WAS LOOKING IN THE LIBRARY FOR THE CRIMINAL STUFF THEY DID?? THEY FOUND HOW THAT JOHN ROBERT McHOOVINGHTON GUY WAS RESEARCHING ORBITAL LASERS A WEEK BEFORE ONE WAS STOLEN FROM THE GOVERNMENT FACILITY AND THAT'S HOW THEY KNEW HE DID IT!"

Apple Bloom gasped as loud as Sweetie Belle gasped ten seconds earlier. "Do you think...?"

"Yes, I am sure! Now even Princess Celestia will know that you were planning to do Insurance Fraud!"

"Aaaah oh nooo!"

"Aaaah let's hide!"

"Aaaah good idea!"

***

It was night.

Big Mac walked up to Winona's doghouse, next to which a grumpy Winona was lying down.

He leaned down and looked inside.

"When y'all are done playin' around, you can come right in and stay over, have a sleepover. Applejack made sure your sisters know," he added the last bit as he nodded at Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo.

When he left them and returned to the farmhouse, they looked at one another.

"...are we even SURE that Princess Celestia or the guards or ANYONE even CARES we tried that insurance fraud thing? I mean, all we did was to smear a fake-looking dummy in ketchup and put it under a tree that already fell down."

"..."

"...let's jus' hide fer a few more hours here, jus' in case..."

"O-okay..."

"F-fine with me..."