Taming the Draconequus With Coffee

by Graymane Shadow

Rating: everyone
Tags: Pony Joe, Discord, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance
Length: 4684

Joe's seen a lot of ponies fall in love inside his shop. He never expected to be one of them.

When Discord drops by the donut shop one morning, Joe is understandably nervous. When the draconequus keeps coming back, the baker soon realizes his life is better with Discord in it.

Discord comes to the same conclusion.

One of them just needs to admit it to the other.

Thanks to Mykola for the pre-read, Punished Bean for talking through a few sections, and to CrazyDiamond and everyone else for listening to me ramble on about this one.

Art combined by me from two sources.

Featured 5-27-21 to 5-28-21, peaking in the #2 spot. Thanks, everypony!

Published 2021-05-27 15:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2021-05-27 15:40:02 UTC

Is This a Donut, or a Desert?

For Joe, there were two key elements to life.

The first was a well-made donut. To most ponies, donuts were a simple thing. They thought of them as little more than fried dough, something to be eaten in a pinch and forgotten about almost as quickly.

Joe believed donuts were the clearest expression of his artistic talent. Even before his cutie mark had appeared on his flank, he had known he wanted to be a baker. His family owned several bakeries in Manehattan, specializing in cakes and pies, but for Joe, it had always been about the humble donut.

His parents hadn’t seen it that way, but they’d let him go out on his own. He’d gotten up extra early every morning to make his donuts, loading them onto the best cart he’d been able to afford, an old wooden thing that he’d lovingly restored back to tip-top shape. Then, just as the sun started to rise, he had set out each morning to peddle his golden wares.

The first month, he’d cleared enough to pay back his parents for the cart. By the end of six months, his father had come to him, asking if Joe would like to turn one of the slower locations of the family business into a donut shop of his own.

Joe had been flattered by the offer, but he’d turned it down outright. As much as he loved Manehattan, he’d wanted to get out of the shadow of his family and strike out on his own. There was only one city tougher to make it in than Manehattan, and that was Canterlot.

While generations of ponies had done their best to expand the mountain city beyond what many considered reasonable, there was only so much that the fusion of magic and science could do. Combine that with strict zoning laws established long ago, and Canterlot retail space went for premiums that made all but the wealthiest ponies blanch.

Despite the prices, the waiting lists for prime retail spaces were long. Even after Joe had saved enough for a sizable down payment on a location, it had still been three long years before the occupant of his current establishment had finally decided to hang up their hat and vacate the property.

But those three years hadn’t been wasted, for Joe had spent them working on the other thing he considered key in life; coffee.

He didn’t think it was wrong to claim that he brewed the best coffee in all of Equestria. The quantities he sold were certainly evidence of that.

Pony Joe’s was not the biggest donut and coffee shop in Canterlot, but it was most assuredly the busiest, not to mention the only one to hold a Royal Warrant from all the Princesses of Equestria and the Crystal Empire.

The four plaques hung on the wall, next to the counter, and next to them was a photo of all six Elements of Harmony gathered around the counter during one of their visits.

Joe credited at least 20% of his current success to that wall.

Canterlot wasn’t Ponyville, not by a long shot, but Joe had still seen a lot of things come through his door over the years, and being a Manehattanite, there was little that surprised him.

The entrance of a certain draconequus one morning, however, went beyond a mere surprise.

“Well, isn’t this a quaint establishment.” Discord’s grin was especially pointy that morning, but Joe did his best to remain composed. He’d heard stories of what Discord had done in a pizza shop that had gotten on his bad side. Even if the Crown had paid for the damages, Golden Crust still twitched if a pony so much as mentioned parmesan around him.

“Good morning, sir,” Joe said, pulling a fresh tray of donuts from the holding cabinet. He slid them into the display case before turning his full attention to Discord. “What can I get for you this morning?”

Discord raised an eyebrow, looking appalled. “Sir? Well, I never.”

Joe swallowed, picturing several terrible things, like all his donuts growing legs and stampeding down the streets of Canterlot. That had been the subject of more than one nightmare, and he hoped it stayed a thing of nightmares. “Is there something else you’d prefer I call you?”

“Oh no, no, no,” Discord responded, grinning again. “I actually meant what I said. I don’t think anypony has ever called me sir before. I quite like it.”

He slunk up to the counter, taking a seat at one of the stools, which emitted a loud rubber chicken noise as he sat on it.

Several of the other customers were quickly finishing their donuts and coffee, planning to bolt as soon as they could without it looking like they were running away.

Joe adjusted his hat and forced a smile. “Well, then, what can I get for you?”

“You know, I couldn’t help noticing that all the important ponies have one thing in common. They all seem to love your shop.” He flicked a gaze over at the wall with the Royal Warrants and huffed out one side of his mouth.

Joe looked over as well, just in time to see the four plaques grow eight legs each, and begin walking across the wall in a spider-like fashion.

Deciding it was best to not draw attention to the prank, Joe nodded. “Lots of ponies enjoy a good cup of coffee and a donut or two.”

“Yes, yes, and you’ve got the best, or so they tell me.” Discord sniffed. He was starting to look bored, and that had Joe feeling even more nervous.

“Did…did you want to try something this morning? Or do you have a preference?”

“Oh, just give me whatever Twilight usually has.”

“Right. One chocolate donut with sprinkles, and one coffee, seven sugars, coming right up.”

Joe felt the tension easing from his shoulders as he went through the familiar motions of serving a customer. There was no reason to worry, right? Just serve the coffee and donut, be cordial, and everything would end peacefully.

That hope lasted until he saw the plaque from Cadance skittering into the back room.

Gulping, he set the steaming mug of coffee on the counter, and pulled a fresh donut from the display, pairing it with a clean plate.

“Enjoy,” he said.

Another customer walked in at that moment, and Joe turned to handle their order with considerable relief.

A small rush followed, with Joe selling a few dozen donuts and several to-go cups of coffee. He wasn’t surprised that customers weren’t staying today. Discord was rather well known by the residents of Canterlot at this point.

But, as it always was, the rush was followed by a lull, leaving Joe alone in his shop with the draconequus. He blew upward to straighten a tousle in his bangs, and walked back to check on Discord.

“Can I get you a refill?” he asked, picking up a coffee urn in his magic.

“No, thank you,” Discord replied. “Actually, I do have a complaint about the donut.”

“Oh?” Joe felt a flicker of irritation, tempered with concern. He wasn’t about to take an insult to his donuts, but he also worried that perhaps Discord had somehow – impossible as it was – gotten a bad one.

“Well, it’s just that it was somewhat dry.” As if to emphasize his point, a small pile of sand appeared on his plate. “Is it supposed to be dry?”

“That type of donut tends to be on the dry side, yes. It’s that way so ponies can dunk it in their coffee.”

Discord pulled away from the counter in surprise. “Ponies dunk their donuts in their coffee?”

“Uh…yeah, lots of them.”

“And that’s considered normal?” he asked, clearly shocked.

Joe shrugged. “Pretty sure? I’ve never thought twice about it, honestly. But yeah, like I said, plenty of ponies do it.”

“Hmm.” Discord scratched at his chin. “Well then, I suppose I’ll have to come back tomorrow and try it.” He stood, his stool releasing several small fireworks as he did so, and moved to head to the door.

“See you tomorrow, then,” Joe called after him, as he wondered just what he was getting into. Punctuating his fear, the Twilight plaque chose that moment to crawl across the counter.

Worming His Way In

Discord not only came back the next day, but every day that week. At first, Joe worried that customers would begin to stay away due to Discord’s reputation for antics, but the opposite happened. As he started to feel more comfortable around the draconequus, other customers seemed to feed off that confidence, returning and even bringing friends.

Always one to enjoy an audience, Discord would – after some whispered suggestions from Joe, mixed with warnings about going too far – perform a few tricks for patrons, which were invariably met with applause and cheers.

By the end of the second week, he had gone from feeling like an interloper to feeling like a critical part of the shop, filling a hole Joe hadn’t even realized had existed.

“So,” Joe asked one morning, when they were alone in the store after the breakfast rush had left, “when do I get a Royal Warrant from the Lord of Chaos?” He jerked his head at the wall, where the recently restored Warrants from the princesses were hanging.

“From moi?” Discord asked, putting one claw on his chest. “You want an endorsement from me?”

“I asked, didn’t I?”

“Well, it’s just that I’ve never been asked to endorse something before. Do I get lots of money in return? Awards? Tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala?”

“You get a warm fuzzy feeling of pride every time you walk in here and see your plaque on the wall,” Joe said, grinning. “And I’m pretty sure you’re the one with the tickets to all the fancy events, not me.”

“True,” Discord replied. “Well, I’m just not quite convinced that I’m worthy to be on the wall with such esteemed ponies.”

Having expected this, Joe decided to spring a little surprise on his newest friend. “Well, while you’re thinking on that, let me give you something else to consider. I’ve been thinking of doing a series of special donuts, and I was wondering if you might like to be the one to help come up with the first.”

The draconequus rolled his eyes. “Well, now you’re just pranking me.”

“No pranks,” Joe said, swiping his hat off his head and holding it to his chest. “Baker’s honor.”

Discord studied him for several moments. “You…really mean it, don’t you?”

Joe chuckled. “Of course I mean it. I asked, didn’t I?” The chime of the door drew his attention, and he pulled his hat back on, walking over to serve the couple that had just walked in. That caused him to miss the curious expression that briefly appeared on Discord’s face.

After the customers had been handled, Joe returned, wiping his brow with a towel. “All right. You think more on my offer?”

Discord put on a pensive look. “Well, I suppose I need to check my schedule first.” With a flash, a mountain of scrolls and calendars appeared, with a green eyeshade wearing Discord holding a magnifying glass as he pretended to be studying some fine printing on one scroll.

Joe knew the draconequus was just playing hard to get, but he let his friend continue the charade for a little while longer. He’d quickly realized that one of the things Discord appreciated the most was being allowed to be himself.

“Okay,” Discord finally said, snapping his fingers to vanish all the clutter. “It seems that there’s just enough time in my schedule to help you craft your donut. That is, if you still want my help. I’m not much for baking.”

“Let me handle the baking,” Joe replied. With a tug of magic, he pulled a scrap of parchment and a quill from under the counter. “I’m looking for just a little dash of chaos for this donut, and that's right up your alley.”

The Flaming Pudding Donut, as the pair eventually called their collaboration, proved to be very tricky to make, incredibly difficult to store…and immensely popular with the night crowd, a time-of-day Joe’s shop was normally rather quiet. It consisted of a normal jelly donut stuffed with a spiced pudding. Just prior to serving, it was doused in alcohol, given to the customer, and then set on fire, creating a fantastic show for everypony to see. The heat had the effect of steaming the pudding, causing it to gush out in a gooey mess once bitten into.

It was stylish, unique, and decidedly Discordian in nature, the exact three things Joe had been hoping for.

Having it ready to go on the first day of winter had been a happy bonus. Princess Luna had been one of the first customers, and her ravings about how delectable the donut was had been the top quote chosen for the article in The Canterlot Times, which certainly hadn’t hurt sales.

Joe had made sure Discord got his share of the credit, and once he got his hooves on a copy of the paper, he cut out the picture of the two of them standing in front of their creation, framed it, and hung it on the wall below the picture of the Elements of Harmony, right next to the small plaque Discord had presented Joe with a few days prior.

Stepping back to admire his hoofwork, Joe couldn’t help but chuckle. “I’m sure the first thing he’ll ask is why he’s below the other picture. Then he’ll probably make that picture frame start fighting the others with swords made out of my coffee stirrers, saying how ‘there can only be one’ or something like that.”

The chime of the bell over the door broke Joe from his amusing daydream, and he turned, only to stop in surprise.

Discord hadn’t come alone today. He held the door open for a pink-maned pegasus, who Joe immediately recognized as Fluttershy.

Normally, he was happy to see any of the Elements in his shop, as they were all rather kind, but upon seeing her that morning he felt a confusing pang of…jealousy? That didn’t make sense. Why would he be jealous to see Discord with another pony? He certainly didn’t feel anything special for the draconequus…did he?

“Good morning, Joe!” Fluttershy called out, smiling as she walked up to the counter.

“Good morning, Fluttershy,” he replied, tipping his hat. Pangs of jealousy or not, he was a master of customer service. “I seem to recall you prefer decaf, one sugar, and a cruller, right?”

“That’s right,” she said, smiling. “A cinnamon one, if you don’t mind?”

“Coming right up. Usual for you, Discord?”

“I’ll have the Celestia this morning,” he replied, looking nervous for some reason.

The Celestia consisted of a large black coffee and three lemon bars, a combo Joe guaranteed to wake anypony up from a funk. He quickly put together the orders, setting them down on the countertop.

“So what brings you to Canterlot this morning?” Joe asked, casting an eye around the shop to make sure the other customers were fine.

“Well, Discord's been telling me so much about you, and how much he enjoys being here,” Fluttershy said, smiling serenely. "I wanted to stop by to see how things were going." She took a gentle sip of the coffee and hummed. “Oh, that’s so good, Joe. If you ever moved to Ponyville I think I’d never leave your shop.”

“Just what I like to hear.” Taking a rag in his magic, he wiped at a few spots on another part of the counter. “You two got plans for today?”

Fluttershy looked at Discord, who was staring off into space while his three lemon bars circled around his untouched coffee. The coffee cup itself had turned orange, with a now-green saucer below, and Joe thought it sounded like it was squeaking.

The two ponies exchanged a glance, and briefly shared a smile.

“No, not really,” she admitted. “After we’re done talking I’m going to stop by the palace. One of the groundskeepers has been writing to me about an issue they’ve been having with some of their birds, and I’m hoping I can work out some kind of solution for them.”

“Wow,” Joe replied. “That sounds like a big job, working for the Princesses like that. You gonna be helping her today, Discord?”

“What?” Discord broke from his reverie, his head making the sound of a clanging bell as he shook it back and forth.

Fluttershy giggled, holding one hoof to her mouth. “He asked if you were coming with me to the palace.”

“Oh. Oh, well of course. I’ll be happy to go with you to the palace.” He looked to Joe. “Unless you needed me for something?”

“I think you’ve earned a day off,” Joe replied, with a wink he didn’t entirely feel. “If you’re free tomorrow, though, I want to start planning our next collaboration. Can’t be setting donuts on fire forever.”

“Of course not,” Discord replied. “I’ll, uh, see you tomorrow then.” With a snap of his fingers, the three lemon bars levitated up to his mouth. He ate them in one bite, then, leaving the coffee untouched, headed for the door.

Fluttershy watched him leave, and sighed. “Oh, Discord.” She turned back to Joe. “I’m sorry if he’s acting a little weird, Joe. He’s just got a lot on his mind right now. I hope you won’t hold that against him.”

“Of course not. He’s a friend.”

She smiled. “I’m glad to hear you say that. He’s really a good person, but with his past not many ponies are willing to give him a chance.”

“I’ll admit, when I first met him I was a little nervous, but the more I get to know him, the more I like him.” Joe was an expert in small talk, so his next question was almost automatic. “So…how are things between you two?”

"Oh, I mean, they're fine, I guess? We're still friends, same as always. He doesn't come around as often for tea, but I don't mind, really. I'm glad he's making more friends. And when he does come around, we have so much more to discuss than we used to. He's so different now that he's working toward a relationship."

“I didn’t realize it was taking away from your time together as a couple.” Now Joe felt bad. “I mean, he doesn’t have to come here. Just tell me what day you normally have tea together, and I can make sure he knows he’s welcome to go visit with you.”

She giggled especially hard at that statement. “That’s very kind of you, Joe, but I don't think I'm the pony he wants to have a relationship with.”

The bell over the door rang, and Discord poked his head back in. “Are you coming, Fluttershy?”

“Oh! Yes, I’m sorry.” The pegasus looked back at Joe. “Anyway, thanks for the coffee and the cruller. They were both delicious. Have a good day!”

She walked out, leaving Joe standing there alone and confused.

It was the little things, really, that finally got Joe to see what was happening. The corny magic tricks that seemed to only be for Joe’s amusement. The way Discord would walk him home on especially late nights. His offers to watch the counter on the times Joe needed to check in deliveries.

It was a mark of how much their relationship had progressed when Joe had to make a weekend trip to Manehattan, and realized he trusted the draconequus enough to leave him in charge of the store. He was still plenty nervous, but no more so than he would have been if he’d left someone else in charge. And Fluttershy had come to help keep Discord on track, which helped. He might be reformed, but he was still prone to a prank or two…or six.

He was pretty sure that Discord wanted something more than they currently had, but Joe had been hurt before, and having misread the situation multiple times, he was nervous about making the first move. Deep down, a part of him worried this was some extra-long, ultra-elaborate prank, and he didn’t think he was ready to risk finding that out just yet. Carrying on in uncertainty was better than finding out you’d been toyed with. So, he watched and waited. If Discord really did feel something for him, then the draconequus could make the first move.

He just hoped it didn't take too long.

Closing The Deal

“You know,” Discord said one evening, as they were closing up the shop, “I couldn’t help noticing that it’s Hearts and Hooves Day this weekend. Are you planning to keep the place open?”

“Nah,” Joe replied. “That’s one of the slowest days of the year for me, so I usually close up and enjoy the day off. Why? You have an idea for something?”

“Not exactly,” the draconequus said, leaning against the wall, trying to look casual. “I was wondering if you might like to go on a picnic that day.”

Here it was. Either he was going to find out that this was all some cruel joke, or learn that Discord felt the same way he did. “Sounds like a plan to me.”

The next few days passed quickly, even by the standards of a hard-working Canterlot business owner who was on his hooves all day. Both of them were growing nervous as the date approached, though they tried to hide that fact from the other.

When the morning of Hearts and Hooves Day finally rolled around, Joe got up early, as always, scrubbed himself extra clean, styled his mane, and even applied a little cologne that his sister had sent him years ago. It was a strong scent, and made him sneeze a few times before it faded to a pleasing base note.

They’d agreed to meet on a hill on the far edge of Canterlot, which overlooked the valley below. As one of the parks that Princess Celestia had established in the city centuries prior, it was well maintained, and also quite populated that day, filled with happy couples spending time together in the lovely weather.

Unsurprisingly, Discord was easy to find. He had conjured a large tent, complete with several flags bearing pictures of himself waving overhead. Standing just outside the tent was a cotton candy machine, and standing behind it was the draconequus himself, serving up cotton candy to a growing line of ponies.

“Oh, you’re here!” Discord snapped one claw, and he appeared next to Joe…while leaving a clone of himself behind, which – or who? – continued to serve cotton candy.

“I’ll never get used to that,” Joe said, chuckling.

“I find it’s very handy for when you need to do something, but don’t want to do it yourself.”

The two of them walked into the tent, where the screens allowed them some privacy. Joe stretched out on the blanket, trying to enjoy his day off as much as possible.

“You clean up pretty nice,” Discord commented, sitting down next to Joe.

“You’re not so bad yourself,” Joe replied, meaning it. Discord had groomed his goatee and tail, and his horn looked like he’d polished it. Even if it had been done with magic, it was still an effort, and Joe appreciated it.

They spent a few minutes in silence, neither sure how to begin.

“So…” Joe said, letting his voice trail off.

“Would you date me?” Discord blurted out.

Joe stared into Discord’s eyes for several moments, looking for any deceit there, but he found none. “I thought we’d probably be having this conversation today.”

“The day did seem an apt one,” Discord admitted. “Fluttershy agreed.”

“Before I answer, I have a few questions.”

“I suppose that’s fair.”

Joe sat up, bringing himself closer to eye level with the still-sitting Discord. “Why me?”

“Why?” Discord sounded surprised, as though Joe had asked the most obvious question in the world. “What do you mean, why?”

“I mean why me? I may be a stallion and not a mare, but even stallions like to know what someone else sees in them.”

The draconequus huffed. “Ugh, I hate getting sappy. Do I really have to answer?”

“Yes, you do,” Joe replied, fighting to keep a straight face.

“Fine. To be honest…it’s because you’ve always treated me with kindness. Yes, Fluttershy is kind to me as well, but it’s different with her. I went to your shop, was mildly insulting, but you took it in stride, and before I knew it, I felt like you’d carved a little space for me in your life. That’s not something I’ve ever been on the receiving end of before, not from a stallion at least.”

Joe was touched. “And when did you realize you wanted something more?”

“That one’s easy. When you asked me for my help. Ponies don’t ask for my help, ever, because they’re worried about the consequences. Whereas you not only didn’t seem to worry, you were planning on the consequences as a positive thing.”

“Well, I knew you pretty well by that point,” Joe replied, a wry grin tugging at his face. “Let it not be said I’m not an opportunistic businesspony.”

“And lastly…I enjoy being around you. You’re like a rock for me. You balance out my worst tendencies, while giving me ways to still be, well, me. Plus, you’ve done wonders for my image.” He threw his head back, flashing lights making it seem like he was being photographed for a magazine spread. "I'm the talk of the town now!"

Joe waited for him to finish showing off. “Thanks for being honest with me, Discord.”

The draconequus bit his lip. “…and?”

The baker decided he’d dragged this on long enough. “Of course I’ll date you, you big softie. Now get over here and snuggle.”

Of course, Discord being Discord, such a moment could never be celebrated with a thing so small as snuggling. Fireworks erupted from the top of the tent, exploding loudly in a shower of sparks over the park. Discord himself started to dance, shouting, “He said yes! He said yes! He’s all mine!” before breaking into cartwheels.

He was stopped mid-spin as Joe wrapped his hooves around his arms, staring into those yellow eyes.

“Just for that, now you have to give me a kiss,” Joe said, smirking.

Discord grinned. “I thought you’d never ask.”

Six months later…

“Fifteen dozen cake-filled longhorns for the palace by tomorrow?” Joe read the order slip with a mixture of surprise and annoyance. “Those things are a pain to make as is. I don’t know if I can do fifteen dozen by tomorrow. Couldn’t they have given us more notice?”

“I’m afraid that’s my fault,” Discord admitted. “I may have accidentally turned the letter they sent last week into confetti without thinking.” At Joe’s annoyed look, the draconequus shrugged. “What? It made Twilight laugh when she was here. And you know how hard I have to try to accomplish that.”

“Well, how about you make me laugh and go manage the counter for the day,” Joe grumbled, but try as he might to sound grumpy, there was no venom in his tone.

“Anything for you, dear,” Discord teased. He made his way back out front, swaying his hips exaggeratedly, a move calculated to make Joe laugh.

For Joe, there were three key elements to life. The first was a well made donut. The second, a great cup of coffee. The third, the unlikely relationship with the Lord of Chaos he'd found himself swept up in.

With one last smile, Joe turned back to the mixer and got to work.

Author's Note

This wasn't the story I had planned for May Pairings, but...

...sometimes you just have to have a little fun.