What's Love Got To Do With It?
Really, what were you expecting?
Author's Note
A very chaotic story befitting the Lord of Chaos himself!
Really, what were you expecting?
Tick, tick, tick...
Sugar Belle looked up from the recipe book levitating in front of her face and scanned the countertop. Flour? Check. Salt? Check. Butter, eggs, and sugar? Check, check, and check. Icing? Check. What about? No, somehow she had overlooked that. What kind of baker forgets the baking powder! She trotted over to the cupboard and retrieved the missing ingredient. Now she was ready to tackle this order. When Mrs. Cake returned to Sugarcube Corner, Sugar Belle would have a batch of fresh, scrumptious cupcakes ready for her mentor’s critique.
Tick, tick, tick...
Following the recipe, she carefully added the ingredients in a large bowl and began stirring. Unlike Pinkie Pie, Sugar Belle didn’t feel the need to sing a happy little song every time she made cupcakes. Slowly the individual ingredients came together to form a thick, creamy batter. As she worked, her mind wondered how her wacky cousin, who had never been on his own before, was managing her shop. Only by leaving him in charge could she apprentice with Mrs. Cake two days a week – no three. And spend more time with Big Mac, of course.
Tick, tick, ding!
Stirred from her thoughts, Sugar Belle set the bowl aside and approached the oven. Smiling, she lowered the door and –
“Hellllo.”
“Aaah!” she cried, stumbling backwards before slipping and hitting her head on the floor. Hurriedly she squirmed across the wooden floor until her back rested on the opposite wall. Terrified, she gazed into the dark oven at the glowing, yellow eyes peering back at her. Suddenly a lion’s paw reached out and grabbed ahold of the left side of the oven, while an eagle’s claw grasped the right. A deer antler and a blue goat’s horn came out followed by a misshapen head. The rest of the body slithered out until the creature rose on its mismatched legs and stood at full height over her.
“Hello Sugar Belle,” he drawled.
Unable to find her voice, she continued to stare up at him.
“Oh, what’s this?”
He reached forward with his eagle’s claw opened her mouth. She felt a pulling on her tongue and then saw a white cat latched onto it.
“Cat got your tongue?” he chuckled.
He pulled on the cat, consequently yanking Sugar Belle’s tongue. “Ueww!” she winced.
The cat finally retracted its claws from her tongue. The creature lifted the cat up to his face and said, “Opal, shouldn’t you be at home bothering Rarity?” The cat hissed and swiped at him with its paw, leaving a trio of gashes upon his face. “Ah!” he cried, dropping the cat which, unsurprisingly, landed on its feet. Holding its head and tail in the air, Opal trotted out of the kitchen.
“That’s the last time I help you!” he yelled, rubbing his face.
“Di-Di-Discord?” Sugar Belle stuttered.
“Ye-Ye-Yes?”
Taking a calming breath, she asked, “What are you doing here?”
“I’m here to see you, of course,” he said as flashing arrows pointed at her.
She glanced back into the oven. “What happened to the birthday cake I was baking?”
“Oh, that? I sent it off to France,” he tsked.
Confused, she pressed, “France?”
Discord clarified, “Versailles, actually. There’s a queen that absolutely adores all kinds of cake.” He tapped his chin. “Though, come to think about it, I don’t think she’s as addicted to sweets as dear old Sunbutt. Do you have anymore – oh! There’s one over there!” He snapped his claws and a chocolate cake disappeared.
Meanwhile, at the Royal Palace in Canterlot....
Bore Stein droned on. “Bueller? Bueller?”
The Trottingham ambassador snorted awake. “Yes? I’m awake,” he assured everypony.
Princess Celestia couldn’t help but smile, though she did raise a hoof to hide her own yawn.
Bore Stein continued in his slow, monotone voice, “As I was saying, Section 4, Subsection B, Paragraph 37, Article III of the treaty clearly states –”
In a flash of light, a cake landed on the table, causing the room to go silent.
Princess Celestia announced, “Discord has returned to his old tricks, I see. For the good of Equestria, I must thoroughly examine this item for any chaos magic.” She levitated the dessert and trotted towards the door, licking her lips.
Several of her ministers eagerly volunteered to assist her.
“No, no,” she tittered. “I can handle the investigation myself. You all continue reviewing the treaty with Minister Stein,” she said, receiving several groans in response.
As she stepped out of the room, a guard snapped to attention and asked, “Your highness, may I get you a fork?”
Her voice trailed down the hall, “I won’t be needing one.”
“Discord, what did you do?” she asked worriedly.
“Oh, I forgot.” He snapped his paw and a pile of bits landed where the cake had been sitting a moment before. “Stealing would break my parole, now wouldn’t it?”
Trying to get to the point, she asked the draconequus, “You wanted to see me?”
“Yes.”
An eerie silence followed, the two staring at each other. Finally, she prompted, “Go on.”
“It is time we spoke, mare to mare.”
Sugar Belle quirked an eyebrow.
“I mean, mare to.... What is the right word again?” He paused in thought before snapping his claws. A thick volume landed in front of him. Donning a pair of reading glasses, he skimmed the text, explaining, “Dear Twilight has such an extensive collection of dictionaries to borrow from.”
Meanwhile, at the Castle of Friendship....
Princess Twilight Sparkle stood in her library with her mouth agape. She had spent days artfully arranging her ten-thousand book library. Every single book had been personally selected by her, lovingly cared for by her, and diligently read by her over the years. Every book had been meticulously cataloged and given its own home in her library. The towering bookcase before her had held precisely six hundred and forty-two reference books, everything from encyclopedias to thesauruses to dictionaries. Now, it held six hundred and forty-one books. On the third shelf up, right in the middle at eye level, lay a gaping wound. The black hole conspicuously sat there, mocking her and her efforts. Princess Twilight’s right eye twitched and a stray hair popped out from her mane....
Flipping through the book at random, Discord suddenly stopped and slapped his claw at an entry on the page. “That’s it! Ǣdruπqqa♠’ Жckle♂♂.”
“Aa-dru-q-qi-sjickle??”
“Not quite. You need more emphasis on the π and you completely omitted the ♂♂. Also, it needs more melody, almost like a doorbell. And put a glottal stop between the first part and the second.”
“Aaa-dru-PI-qa-!!-sjickle?”
“Better, but you’re still not there.” Standing in a black gown and mortarboard, he pointed at the word written on the chalkboard that hadn’t been there before. “Ǣ-dru-π-qqa-♠’ Ж-ckle-♂♂.”
“Could I just call you a draconequus?”
“Fine. Since you still cannot give proper pronunciation of the correct noun, I suppose that will have to do,” he huffed. “We need to talk, mare to draconequus.”
“About what?”
“The Big Mac.”
“I see.”
“Yes,” began Discord, standing in a chef’s outfit by the kitchen’s grill. “Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame-seed bun." He hoisted his prize up in the air in triumph. “May I present, the Big Mac!”
“What?”
He booped her on the nose. “Haven’t you heard of product placement, my dear? I’ll be getting a fat check very shortly. That is, if Derpy – err, Muffins to be politically correct – can deliver my mail this time. It is so hard to get regular service in the chaos realm. Perhaps I should have it sent to Fluttershy’s?” He shook his head. “Quit getting me off topic. Now, let’s talk about the other Big Mac.” In a flash, every surface of the kitchen was covered in a repeating pattern of green apple halves. He held up a mirror and Sugar Belle saw her mane was a dull orange and her coat a deep red, and she was now wearing an oversized horse collar.
Not happy at her sudden color change, she sighed and pressed, “What did you want to talk about?”
“Well, I’m so glad you asked. You see Spike, Big Mac and me have a regular Guys’ Night. You know, hitting the clubs, diving at bars, painting the town red.” A scream from outside caught their attention. Through the window, they could see that every building, tree, and blade of grass was suddenly blood red.
The now normal-looking Sugar Belle quirked an eyebrow and said, “That’s not what Big Mac has told me. He said all you do is play Ogres and Oubliettes.”
“And play Ogres and Oubliettes,” Discord admitted.
“I fail to see what this has to do with me.” Sugar Belle added, “You did say it was a ‘Guys’ Night,’ and I’ve never wanted to intrude upon your fun.”
“That’s just it. After the incident last week on Hearts and Hooves Day, I realized just how smitten Big Mac is with you. Why, he had a breakdown just thinking of you breaking up with him. Just look at what he did to my thousand-year-old monogrammed handkerchief.” He held up a stained, ragged piece of cloth. “I need to get inside your head,” he lifted up her skull and peeked inside, “to know what you really think, so I can be prepared. I can’t have Big Mac experiencing another meltdown and ruining a perfectly good Guys’ Night.”
A flash of light later, Sugar Belle found herself reclining on a plush couch.
“I vant to sdart zis zession vit your dreams,” came his voice.
“What did you say?” she asked, looking over. Upon an antique chair next to her, Discord sat in an old-fashioned business suit. He held a cigar in his lion’s paw while he wrote on a pad of paper with his eagle’s claw. “I didn’t know you were left-hoofed,” she remarked.
“Zere are many zings vu do not know about me.”
“What?”
“I zaid, ‘Zere are many zings vu do not know about me.’”
Shaking her head, she said, “I still can’t understand you.”
“Würde es helfen, wenn ich einfach Pommelranian sprechen würde?” he chuckled.
Sugar Belle just returned a blank stare.
“Fein!” cried Discord. Taking a deep breath, he continued, “We’ll just speak Ponish going forward. Now, I want to start with your dreams. What did you dream about last night?”
Sugar Belle thought for a moment about the strange request. But she knew that this was Discord, so she decided to just roll with it. “Well, in my dream, I was back in elementary school –”
“Uh huh.” Discord scribbled on his pad.
“And I had to make a speech –”
“Uh huh.”
“And I was standing in front of the whole class –”
“Let me guess,” Discord interrupted. “You were standing in front of everypony, and you were naked?”
“Well... yes. But I didn’t wear clothes when I was young. Actually, hardly anypony wears clothes on a regular basis. No, the problem was that I hadn’t written the speech and I had no idea what I was going to say.”
“Ah, I have made my diagnosis.” He held up his pad, revealing random squiggles and doodles.
“And that means...”
Discord shrugged. “I don’t know what to make of your dream. Besides, this is a waste of time. Dreams are pointless and dumb.”
Meanwhile, at the Royal Palace in Canterlot....
Princess Luna snorted awake. She was conscious, but not fully coherent. But for some reason, she felt deeply offended.
Discord tapped his chin. “Hmm.... There must be some way to make sure you won’t break up with Big Mac and ruin our Guys’ Night.”
Sugar Belle recoiled at his words, “Break up with Big Mac? I could never. In fact,” she blushed as she admitted, “I hope to marry him someday. He’s the love of my life.”
“Marriage? Well... I suppose that would work.” Discord thought for a moment then scoffed, “But what’s love got to do with it?”
Meanwhile, at the Royal Castle in the Crystal Empire....
“Honey, are you okay?” Shining Armor rushed over to his wife.
Princess Cadence winced as she grasped her barrel. “It’s like somepony bucked me in the gut.”
Sugar Belle’s jaw dropped.
Discord was quick to hold up a tape measure to her mouth. “Hmm, four inches... I do believe that’s a new record for you,” he chuckled.
Finally finding her voice, she protested, “Discord? How can you say that? Love’s got everything to do with marriage!”
He shook his head, “You’re forgetting I was a lawn ornament for a thousand years. Why, back in the day, all marriages were arranged. There were contracts drawn up between families. Ponies matched by matchmakers. Heck, there were even these things called ‘choosing stones.’ It was very simple, straightforward... orderly.” He cringed. “Not chaotic at all! I love these new relationships! It’s all so messy and fun!”
Sugar Belle cocked her head. “You do realize that what you’re celebrating now is what you were complaining about a moment ago?”
Discord stuck out his tongue. “I’m the Lord of Chaos. I can be inconsistent if I want.”
“I love Big Mac and I’d never break up with him,” insisted Sugar Belle.
“You say that now.”
“There must be someway to prove my love for him.”
Suddenly a light bulb lit above Discord’s head. “Yes. There is. A test!”
Meanwhile, at the Castle of Friendship....
Princess Twilight snapped out of her trance. “Test!” Her eyes went wide, and a broad smile took hold. “Did somepony say test!?”
Spike dropped what he was doing and fled the castle.
“A... test?” repeated Sugar Belle.
“Yes, a very simple test.” He snapped his paw and the two were transported to a beautiful open meadow. A crystal spring of sparkling water lazily flowed down the middle of the field. At the far end were a series of gently rolling hills covered in soft, green grass.
“And what do I have to do to pass this test?” she asked.
“Very simple. You see that tower in the distance?” He pointed at a single, solitary stone keep standing proudly on the horizon. “Well, someone very special is there awaiting your arrival. Go to him and that’ll prove your love. Take heed, he can only be awoken by true love’s kiss.”
“That... doesn’t seem too difficult,” she responded cautiously.
Suddenly came a faint sound from before them. It grew louder and louder, but they couldn’t see anything. Then upon the crest of the hills emerged thousands of walking skeletons. All of them were heavily armed, their swords and knives glistening in the sunlight while many wielded taut bows with overflowing quivers of arrows on their backs.
“Wh- who are they?” she stuttered.
“They, my dear Sugar Belle, are the soldiers that make up the invincible army of the mighty Squizard.”
“Squizard?”
“Short for Squid Wizard.” The multi-tentacled mass emerged to command his army of the dead. “Well, speak of the devil.”
“How am I to make it to the tower?” she protested. Instantly she found herself reeling under an unexpected weight. She galloped to the stream and gazed at her reflection. She now wore heavy, black armor over her body while a helmet adorned with curved blades covered her head, save for her horn which protruded through. On her right side was hung an enormous broadsword. And for some reason, she now had a five o’clock shadow around her muzzle.
Her reflection changed to Discord’s image. Smiling, he explained, “Defeat the army of Squizard and scale the tower to prove your devotion to Big Mac. It’s that simple.” The image blurred back to hers as his haughty laugh lingered.
A trumpet blared, snapping Sugar Belle back to the present. She looked up and saw the hordes of the skeleton army stampeding down the hills towards her. With a sigh of resignation, she brandished her own sword and charged into the melee....
Crunch! Her sword sank deep into the skull of a skeleton.
Crash! She swung her sword to block an enemy blow.
Swish! A moment later the skeleton fell, cut in two.
Smack! She drove her sword deep into a thigh bone.
And so it had proceeded, for the better part of an hour. As soon as one skeleton fell, five more would take its place. She fought like a timberwolf, with a tenacity and ferociousness she never knew she had. She never gave up or gave in. Surrounded on all sides by the battalions of the enemy, she felt a strange sense of relief – they couldn’t get away from her now!
Sugar Belle drew her blade high and in one quick movement decapitated three skeleton warriors.
At last the army was no more. Heaving and gasping for air as exhaustion overwhelmed her, she glanced at the scene around her. The beautiful green meadow that once existed was gone. Instead lay a scene of carnage, with thousands of skeletons strewn about. One could walk two hundred yards and never set hoof on a blade of grass.
“How dare you, you insolent fool!”
She looked up to see the fire in Squizard’s eyes as he leveled his wand at her. A moment later a lethal beam of magical energy hurtled towards her, the air crackling as it neared its victim.
Overwhelmed by fear, Sugar Belle raised her sword to block the strike. The beam split in two, passing harmlessly on either side of her. She glared at the squid, lowered her own weapon, and charged.
It took only a moment for the squid to turn and run, yelling, “You haven’t seen the last of me, Lady McBiggun!”
Sugar Belle reached the crest of the hill. She considered chasing after the Squizard, intent on finishing the job. But that was not her goal. She turned towards the tower, determined to climb all the way to the top where her special somepony awaited.
A few well-placed hacks by her sword were all she needed to break down the door. Inside she found a simple stone staircase spiraling upwards for hundreds of feet. Wearily she placed one hoof in front of another, step after step, flight after flight. She stopped counting after the three-hundredth step. The iron armor and sword weighed heavily upon her, draining what little her weary body had left to give.
Something caught her attention. Juniper Phoenix. That was the cologne she had given Big Mac for his birthday! With renewed vigor, she pressed onward.
Two dozen steps later, she reached the top floor only to find a reinforced wooden door. Hesitantly she opened it with her magic. The chamber before her lay dark and eerily quiet. Off to one side rested a familiar horse collar. She opened the door a bit farther and noticed red rose petals strewn upon the floor. She followed the trail into the next room.
The small bedroom took her breath away. It was richly decorated with exquisitely carved furniture and beautiful ancient tapestries adorned the walls. Dozens of candles filled the room with a soft warm light, giving it an intimate and romantic atmosphere. And in the middle stood a magnificent canopy bed. Though the curtains were drawn, she could see the familiar silhouette of a large stallion lying in repose.
Carefully she removed her heavy armor and set her broadsword aside. She glanced in a mirror and made herself presentable, at least as best as she could. Slowly she approached the bed. The lovely scent of Juniper Phoenix was now overwhelming and intoxicating. She reached out a forehoof and drew back the curtain –
“Aaah!” she cried.
“You scream loud enough to raise the dead.”
“Discord, what are you doing here?” she demanded.
“Aren’t you going to kiss me?”
“Discord!”
“What?”
“You said Big Mac would be here waiting for my kiss,” she noted.
“Wrong. I said,” he held up a tape recorder and rewound it. He hit play:
“Well, someone very special is there awaiting your arrival. Go to him and that’ll prove your love. Just remember, he can only be awoken by true love’s kiss.”
“Discord!” she growled through gritted teeth.
Suddenly confetti fell from the ceiling. He shook her hoof, “Congratulations, Sugar Belle. You’ve proved your love for Big Mac. I needn’t worry about him now.”
“What?”
He snapped his claw, and a door she hadn’t noticed before swung open. Through it, she could see Big Mac, frozen in time, sitting at a table set for two. A waiter in a black tuxedo stood ready with covered dishes. Behind Big Mac, Octavia Melody held her bow to her cello, ready to add to the romantic ambiance.
“Discord?” she asked, confused.
“Consider it your reward for passing the test. It’s a romantic dinner for the happy couple. Go to him,” he urged.
Uncertainly she approached the door, a smile breaking out upon her face. She was about to put a hoof through the portal –
“Oh Sugar Belle?”
She turned to glance back at Discord. “Yes?”
“Just remember. Friday is Guys’ Night.”
