A Pastry Chef's War

by Torrific

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1018

2nd Lt. Shortbow writes a letter to Princess Twilight Sparkle in an attempt to put an end to the fighting in the Buffalo Lands.

The war in the Buffalo Lands has been raging since the construction of Appleloosa, and has entered a gruelling stalemate. Many young ponies find themselves being drafted into the Equestrian forces stationed in the Buffalo Lands, and 2nd Lt. Shortbow has seen the worst of it all. Wishing for an end to the fighting, and a safe return home, he has taken to writing to Princess Twilight Sparkle to find a means of negotiation.

Special thanks to Odd_Shot and NorrisThePony for taking the time to proofread my mad ramblings.

Published 2021-05-31 01:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-05-31 01:50:00 UTC

Dear Princess Twilight

Dear Princess Twilight,

I’m a Ponyville resident born and raised. So you know -for a change- I thought I’d try and write to my local authority and put my viewpoint out there. As the Princess of Friendship I understand that you’d most probably be one of the first to favour negotiations over warfare, and that’s why I write to you today.

They don’t prepare you for what you find out there in war, and by the Gods I wasn’t ready for what I saw. The buffalo are a formidable foe, using new age guerilla tactics and all manners of methods we weren’t quite ready for. Much different to what I was taught in the officer’s academy I can tell you that much. Their ace, Corn Kettle, is a force to be reckoned with. Near enough took out my entire squad and we can’t even find the bugger after he’s done. There one moment and gone the next.

We reckon the buffalo have a series of tunnels going all throughout the desert. We’ve only managed to find a few entrances, but we can’t make heads or tails of what we’ve found. Some of our bunch have begun to scout out what they can and mark it down. There are so many false leads down to throw us off it’s a wonder they can make any sense of it all.

I will say those pies can do some real damage. I still think about my old squad mate Brightforge… Still alive of course, but he took a direct hit from a pie and boom. But that wasn’t just it; the barrage kept going, one after the other, even after he was downed. The poor soul could hardly look at a pie after that, and was sent home because of the trauma. Unfortunately a similar story for many of us out here in the desert.

Even if we’re not taken out by a pie thrown directly at us, the buffalo are smart and are masters of trapping the environment. One wrong step and you can find yourself in a pie-pitfall. Does what it says on the tin: they dig a big hole, fill the bottom with pies, and lay a tarp on top that blends in perfectly with the floor. That’s not even the worst of it; they’ve even found a way to rig tripwires to launch a pie on a spring straight into the victim’s face. Enough force in one of those to knock a pony out right then and there. Seen it for myself with one of our Privates, Celestia bless his soul.

Our numbers eventually start to dwindle, and then sure enough the fresh recruits start to roll in. Most of them conscripts straight out of school, eager and blind to the fight they find themselves in. I give them a week and sure enough their expression and demeanour start to change. Watching friends get taken out by pies will do that to a pony. The creeping realisation that its only a matter of time before it’s their turn begins to set in.

The griffon expeditionary forces are something else too; there is nothing else quite like them. When they’re promised a good pay, they perform with ruthless efficiency. Heck, they go beyond ruthless and into entirely new ground. Considering their seemingly small standing army, it seems like they’ve pooled what they have in making their forces the best of the best, and from what I’ve seen I’d argue that they’re much closer to mercenaries than a traditional fighting force. Of course there’s the odd groan from our troops that the griffons are getting paid a premium from the brass compared to our standard wage, but looking at what they can do it’s easy enough to see the logic.

The griffons can fly of course, and that gives them a whole new tactical advantage. One of griffons managed to sneak behind a buffalo and slam a pie right into their eye. Our inside intel of the buffalo medical records suggested that they were seeing red past the cranberries for days. Not a fate I would wish on anypony, but if the hun are going to fight dirty, then the idea is why shouldn’t we. This blasted war has gone on long enough, and I can already see myself becoming more and more partial to ideas that would have left a sour taste in my mouth back in civilian life.

I’ve rambled on long enough. My bottom line is this: get us a way out of this place. I’ve managed to make it this far, but as a result I’ve seen what this war has done to us. The ones who make it out of this place go back different ponies. Ponies that could ordinarily go on to do what their heart desired. How is Sergeant Bellfeather going to pursue her dream of starting a pastry baking business in Cloudsdale when even looking at a pie brings her back to times she’d rather forget?

Stop the draft. Convince Celestia. Do whatever it takes to get our ponies out of here. This isn’t our war to fight. “It is in Equestria’s best interest to see through the annexation of the Buffalo Lands,” isn’t gonna do it any more. Ponies may come into this place filled with the propaganda they’re fed in basic training, but I can assure you it doesn’t take long for that to be all put aside. And that gets them to think. Rumours are already starting to spread about this whole operation being a ploy to exploit the natural resources in the Buffalo Lands, and Appleloosa just so happened to line up to be the perfect escalation. How long before this sentiment makes it home?

I know you’re smart enough to realise this isn’t a war we can win. Keeping us here will just lead to more and more ponies lost to the dreaded pie barrages that plague us each night and day. I trust in you to at least try and do the right thing.

Writing with great reverence, 2nd Lt. Shortbow