Internal Screaming

by Rainbowfan45

Rating: teen
Tags: Rainbow Dash (EqG), Equestria Girls, Profanity, Slice of Life, Sad, Drama, Original Character
Length: 2011

Some times it just feels like you're all alone and no one cares.

Syntax is tired. She's emotionally and mentally exhausted. All she wants is for the world around her to settle down, and to finally feel like she's actually worth something.

Totally lost and unable to find herself, she ends up finding support from the least likely source: Rainbow Dash. Rainbow knows the pain Syntax suffers, and it's up to her to keep her normally strong friend from falling apart.

Published 2021-05-25 02:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-05-25 02:00:01 UTC

Who You Are

"Why must you be so difficult and stubborn?! I'm tired of you messing things up around here! I never had such disarray in my house til you came along!"

Syntax flinched. It was the same old fight it had always been for almost all of her life, from the time she was around 12 until now. Being blamed for everything, including things that weren't even her fault.

"And furthermore, young lady, you could do a lot worse than that fine and upstanding young fellow that keeps coming by! You're not going to get any younger, only older."

Oh great. Now this argument again too.

"But mom, I don't love him! I don't want him!"

"I am your mother and I know what's best for you! You have feelings for him, you're just in denial. Get over yourself."

The vicious slam of her bedroom door finalized the argument for the time being. Syntax slumped onto her bed.

"You don't even know me." She mumbled, tears stinging her eyes as she fought to reign in the swirling storm of emotions.

Honestly there were some days she felt like ending her own miserable existence. The only thing keeping her from that was the knowledge she had friends that would be absolutely devastated if she did. She forced herself from one day to the next simply for their sakes, even though it plainly sucked to even wake up most of those days. She and her mother were constantly fighting over something, most of it really stupid in her eyes.

It didn't seem to matter to her mother no matter what she tried to say. She could argue and yell and Mango Twist would just completely ignore her. Her mother was determined to push her into a relationship she didn't want, and the rift between them was growing worse because of it.

It didn't help that they had recently had to deal with the loss of Syntax's dad. Cash Saver had not had the best relationship with his family, spending most of his time out about town and very little time bonding with any of them. They were already hurting long before he started having health problems. And their living conditions suffered too.

He would bring home things by the box full, mostly stuff they didn't need, and it would get stashed in whatever available space they had. Over time, they were left with a massive mess of junk they would never use. Trying to clean and organize became a nightmare, and it was only exacerbated by his mad desire to throw nothing away. More than once Syntax had been on the receiving end of a harsh tongue lashing for throwing out boxes of junk, and then forced to fetch what she had thrown out and bring it back to be gone through. And if it was already hauled away to the dump, she would get raked over the coals for hours.

Cash didn't know how to be loving. Oh sure, he loved his family in his own way, but living with him was horrible. At times he would get into fits of temper that left Mango crying, Syntax inwardly seething while outwardly shaking, and her little brother Silver Star hiding in another room playing as quietly as possible. More than once he had roughly manhandled both his children, scaring them to death more than actually hurting them. He had called them names and been verbally abusive, and it had already scarred them emotionally and mentally.

Syntax never felt good enough. If Cash wasn't satisfied with what she was doing, which he rarely was, he shoved her aside and did it himself while cursing her for being an idiot. Mango made it worse by telling her it was her own fault her father treated her that way. That she egged him on and deliberately pushed his buttons to make him angry. The truth was, she really hadn't. Her anger grew, and her relationship with both parents was extremely strained...the one with her father so much so that it was nearly at its breaking point on a daily basis.

Things got worse when he found out he was dying from heart failure and cancer, and given two years to live.

He lived past that, just to defy the doctors, but his treatment of his family worsened. He was much harsher and meaner, gone from home more, and had a frantic increase in hoarding items no one in their household was going to use. Things got jumbled and topsy turvy in the process of trying to find items in the massive piles that the actually did need, and Syntax bore the full brunt of the blame from it, accused of making the messes deliberately.

On the occasions she tried to fight back, and stand up for herself, she was met with swift punishment in the form of Mango yelling, Cash raising his hand as if to hit her, or one or the other other of them actually slapping her. Or she ended up with a lot of threats that left her cowed and unwilling to repeat what they saw as offenses.

Syntax gazed at the pictures on her wall, specifically one of her father. Cash was smiling, and Syntax struggled against the rush of hot tears. Just one more thing her supposedly know it all mother knew nothing about.

She had no idea of the massive guilt her daughter carried. How she hated herself for the multitude of chances she wasted to try and talk to her father. There had been plenty of them, if Syntax had just put in the extra effort, but she spent so much time mad at him for how he was that every chance she had to talk, laugh, share stories, etc...she had refused each and every one. And now he was gone. His life claimed by the cancer and complications set in by pneumonia.

Suddenly feeling extremely overwhelmed and closed in, Syntax got up and left her room, walking out of the house and heading for the local park where she often went to clear her head. She threw herself into the grass, tucked her arms under her head, and stared up at the clouds. A long time passed as she just watched them drift lazily, like little marshmallow puffs against pastel icing.

"Heya Syn."

She didn't even move.

"Hey, Rainbow."

The primastic haired girl flopped into the grass next to her in the same position.

"What are you doing out here? Didn't you have soccer?"

"Eh." Rainbow crossed her ankles. "I came looking for you."

"Why?"

"You weren't home when Rarity stopped to pick you up to watch me practice."

"Oh. Sorry."

Rainbow coughed. "So, what's on your mind?"

"Nothing."

"Ok."

They laid in silence for a bit before Syntax sighed heavily.

"Mom is driving me insane."

"And what is that cantankerous old lady of yours doing now? Claiming you invented crime? Started a cult?"

"She still blames me for everything. And she's still trying to shove Blue Spruce down my throat. I don't want him." Syntax huffed.

A growl escaped Rainbow. "Are you fucking serious? This is illegal. She can't make you love Blue."

"THAT'S WHAT I SAID. But no, she's serious. She has practically ordered me to date Blue."

"Syn, no offense, but I think your mom may be experiencing side effects of old age. She's going a little senile."

"She says she knows what's best for me."

"Your mom wouldn't know what was best for a feather, even if someone held up a sign telling her what was best." Rainbow said in disgust.

This drew a giggle from Syntax, then she sobered.

"She doesn't know me. I'm not who she wants, I'm my own person. And she doesn't like that. I've broken the mold she's trying to cram me into and I'm doing things my way. She hates it and it's made me her enemy. She yells all the time, never listens to a damn thing I say, and I just...ahhh!"

Syntax rolled over on her stomach and buried her head in her arms. Rainbow propped herself up on her elbow and patted her back with uncharacteristical gentleness.

"I know it's rough, Syntax."

"That's not the worst though. She keeps trying to diagnose me with all kinds of mental and emotional issues. And she swears she knows how I feel since Dad..." She stopped.

"Oh." Rainbow said quietly, understanding. "That bad, huh?"

"If she is to be believed, I have anger managment issues, serious depression, ADHD, Asperger's, and that's just a fraction of the list."

"My god." Rainbow shook her head. "She really has it out for you."

"She's right on some of them. But my anger and depression would settle down if she would fucking stop trying to act like she has to give me step by step instructions for living my life. Then there's the damn guilt complex I deal with."

"Is that because of your dad?"

"Yeah. I was too pissed off and hurt to try getting along most of the time. So I didn't. And it hurts worse than anything. Then you count the fact that I never said a word to him that last day he left..."

Her breathing was hitched; she was trying not to cry. Rainbow sighed.

"Syn..."

"I should have said something. But I didn't. Because I was mad. What kind of person does that make me?? Maybe they were right. Maybe I am just worthless."

"No!" Rainbow's vehemence shocked them both. "Syntax Silver, if you say that ever again I'm gonna kick your frickin ass through that damn portal to Twilight's world, and then have Sunset tell Twi to have my counterpart kick it back. HARD. And then I will get the girls involved and we will lecture you so hard your brain audibly screams for mercy. You're not worthless."

"But-"

Rainbow's eyes held a death glare, just daring her to finish that thought. She wisely didn't.

"Look, you're not worthless. You are a special, fun, loving, sweet, caring and funny girl that we all love! And if your mom doesn't see that, well then quite frankly, fuck her. You be true to who you are, not what she wants you to be. You be that special girl we all care about." Her eyes narrowed. "And if you tell anyone I got all sappy I'm going to murder you painfully."

Syntax smiled. "Thanks Rainbow."

"Well I mean it! You're awesome, and don't you forget it!"

"Heh. I still feel so horrible though..."

"Syn. Your dad wouldn't want you beating yourself up forever over this. That's like giving yourself a life sentence in the prison of your own head and that is not good. If he could, I'm sure he'd tell you he forgives you."

"But I wasted so many chances to try and talk to him. Just because I was mad and butt hurt."

"So learn from it, and use the time with your remaining family wisely. And your friends too."

"Even mom?"

Rainbow rolled her eyes at the hint of joking.

"Yeah, yeah, even your strange old lady. I swear, that woman gives you more trouble than all us girls put together. Oughta have AJ tell Granny Smith to go talk some sense into her!"

Syntax grinned. "Oh now that would be funny."

Rainbow smirked. "Heck yeah. Now, how bout a trip to Sugarcube Corner? Girls are gonna be there, and Pinkie'll get you grinning in no time!!"

"Ok!"

The girls picked themselves up off the grass and walked away from the park. Syntax felt a tad lighter, even if there was still lingering guilt mixed with minor frustration at her mother. But luckily she had friends who were not going to let her go through it alone.

Author's Note

This story may not make a lot of sense, I don't know, but it's based on a good bit of my own real life experiences.

Maybe this will be relatable to someone and let them know they aren't alone in their troubles.