Star Nights clusterf*** of a journey

by hayField65

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Original Character, Comedy, Random
Length: 1155

Star Night's day turns into a question of his being.

It was suppose to be a normal day. His wife Clover is usually up to something strange, from falling from portals or chanting in the basement or cooking up things like Orc tongue stakes. When he needs good Relationship advice or a pony to talk to, he goes to his complicated friend Candy Burst. Who keeps trying to convince him to take her a wife instead of Clover. Adding to that he tries to keep his store from closing with Platinum Moon. Today however he finds out why Clover is her crazy self. And how he fits in.

This story is going to be just weird man. I'm just going to go with it.

Published 2021-05-31 03:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-05-31 03:10:00 UTC

Why me?

Star Night grunts trying to drag one of the heads into a large, trash bag, he slips and lands inside its mouth. He screams and pulling his head out knocking into a table cursing,

“Fucking-”

He looks up, seeing a perfect circular hole in the roof where the portal was,

“Oh Celeste-! No! No! No! Clover! There's a hole in the roof!”

Clover walks out the hallway pushing a large freezer, with a Buzzsaw, cleavers, candles, leather book, cooking spices and a large decorative knife on top of it. She stops and looks up at the roof,

“Oh that's bullshit. Insurance better cover that, you paid this month right?"

Star Night looks over at the ritual set. In response he flattens his ears asking in annoyance,

“I did and what have we talked about?”

Clover sighs annoyed answering,

“Keep the chanting in the basement. I know but, it will be quick! We can’t the meat go to waste! Orc chops are to die for! The tongue is the best! A bit of barbecue sauce, marinade it in tomatoes so yummy!”

“Let me guess. The eye is a nice sweetener?”

Clover looks up at him in disgust,

“You know Orc eyes used like that will make you see there… love life right? If fried, they allow you to go for... twenty rounds with no ill effects. I think?"

“How? What? I was being sarcastic!”

With a sigh of relief Clover explains,

“Oh good, I got worried for a second. Anyway, why Orc eyes do that is because they fuck a lot. To put in perspective, imagine drunk rabbits high on weed and porn.” They use eye drops to administer enhancers or rub it in. Birth rates are low so they got to go at it.”

Clover sits down and bangs her two front hooves together a few times emphasizing her point,

“They go bang, bang, bang all day. als-"

Star Night cuts her off yelling,

“Honey! Way to much information, I need a breather!"

He walks towards the door shaking his head,

"You look like you do, I guess that was a lot to take in. I'll clean this up soon!”

Clover starts to set up runes as Star Night leaves,

Star Night opens the door and closes it walking out on the dirt path, he sucks in a breath of fresh air of the morning day. He walks into the Ponyville market meeting Candy Burst at her sweets stand. She is a blue eyed salmon colored earth pony with a plain straight brown mane and short tail. He walks on one of the three stools setup and slams his face down on the counter. Candy Burst walks over patting his head asking,

“Is Clover in a bad mood? Did you two get into a fight?”

“No. She decided it was a good Idea to dry meat in the living room. I can’t stand the smell of it raw.”

“The smell makes me nauseated as well. What else?”

“Have you felt under accomplished? Like you reach what you can do and then you're outperformed by another creature, pony whatever.”

“Not really. I got a pretty good gig going. Oh. Clover."

“Yes! Clover… She's smart, talented, fast thinking, and respected by all! Me? I just do odd jobs here and there, co run a failing business, I seem more like a pet at this point."

“If she's too intense for you, you could have me. No dating needed, all you need to do is give the word!"

Candy Burst gives a cheerful smile at the last sentence,

Star Night responds without looking at her,

“Still not and will not happen.”

“Damnit.”

Star Night looks up asking Candy Burst,

“Why don’t you find another stallion to bother about that? You have been doing this for months.”

“You are my type. Big, strong, nice, loveable and come on! Those mussels are to fight for. I’m not going to give up that easily."

She shakes her head say,

“In all seriousness, I think you and your wife should go on a vacation. Better bonding, you both accomplish something on equal footing. If I know Clover, she acts out like this when she wants attention. Try going to the Crystal Empire, their spas are some of the best! Or… Whitetail forest. Just avoid the center of it, Some drugged up cult members worship some, Lord Of The Woods.”

“How do you know about that?”

“That is a long story. When was the last time you gave her a gift?”

Star Night thinks silently moving his eyes around responding with,

“Not since Hearth's Warming.”

“A mango?”

“You know that's a myth right?”

“Really? Off topic why do you come here? To tease me?”

“No. Just for two reasons, One is you have been a good friend since childhood. Also this is cheaper and more effective than therapy.”

“Fair enough. Oh. Platinum Moon wanted to see you over at his shop. Also… some crazy pony was looking for you. For some reason. If you see any ponies tweeking that's him.”

“Okaayy…?”

Star Night walked away confused and slightly paranoid looking out seeing if any pony was following him to his shop: Trinkets and What Nots. He opens the door and is knocked out by a punch.

The Normal Beginning of a day

A red eyed large Jet Black male Pegasus with a braided white and purple mane, and tail named Star Night walks into a clean white modern room looking for his wife yelling,

"Clov? Where are you?"

A blue portal opens up in the cycling, and a few large decapitated Orc heads fall onto the floor flinging purple blood everywhere. Then a yellow eyed female Bat Pony slams into the floor on her back. The pony is bright green with a black and green tail and ponytail mane, she flips on to her feet saying,

"I thought I would not find you again!”

"What?"

Clover explains,

"I'm sorry! Let me explain. Long story short, relations between the Fire Claw and Paw Empires broke down. In a panic I took the wrong portal, and fell into some ice like tundra. Met up with a tribe of ape-like creatures. After talking, I lived with them for a few months to rest. Then I talked to Yog-Sothoth. Such a talker and charmer. Oh right, I led a rebellion against Orc and it ended in disaster. Now here I am!”

"You were only gone for like a few hours! How did you do that much?

"I know it's confusing for me too. I’m so happy to be back! There better be hot water!"

Clover gallops into the bathroom down the hallway slamming the door shut. And continues to yell about how great plumbing is. Star Night looks back at the heads on the floor staining the new white carpet,

"Great. I hope no blood borne diseases.”

"Oh shampoo, how I missed you!”