Potion Pony Problems

by Gregisademon

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, Pinkie Pie, Random, Zecora, Alternate Universe, Human, Narcotics, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3260

A one-off spin-off of Hugz the Human Hero. Potions are annoying to buy when you're so much bigger than a normal customer.

How will our hero handle customer service with pockets of pure spaghetti? Will he get his potions? Will he get over his fear of ghosts? Will he resist body-slamming the assistant? Will he even really try?

Short little spin-off of Hugz the Human Hero, dubious canon within that same world. Age rating mostly for language and some mature themes. Sorry I've been gone so long.

Published 2021-05-29 18:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-05-29 18:20:00 UTC

The only potion/chapter

Hugz the Human stood a good distance from the macabre tree-hut that seemed oddly at place in the chaotic everfree forest. He had been told by just about everypony in town that this was THE place to get high quality potions and he was unwilling to use anything made by Applebloom until her agricultural potions stopped making timberwolves melt. Hugz stopped walking and took a moment to shudder at the memory of the first and last time he had ordered a laxative from her, it had been two weeks of tartarus like pain and suffering, and had nearly caused mass panic as his roommate; Spike, had bought all the toilet paper in ponyville, which subsequently caused purchases of the Foal Free Press to quadruple overnight. Suffice to say, Hugz owed Spike 80 bits, a Claw massage, and quite possibly his life.

Intent on skipping the internal turmoil of an apprentice potion seller unfamiliar with dosage for a being of his size, he had decided to go to a professional. Hugz made his way carefully through the everfree and to the door of the tree thing that housed what would surely be his new potion dealer and knocked firmly on the door. Knock knock ka-nock.
There was a sound like a great many bottles being moved from just behind the door and something heavy and wooden was pushed away as well. The door at last swung open to reveal a grey and white striped pony with a thin mane pushed up into a line of rigid hairs that formed what could be called a mohawk. Hugz’ gaze lingered on the pony’s teeth, jaw, and eyes as he struggled to discern the stranger’s gender (a skill he sadly had not perfected despite his lifetime amongst them) until he finally settled on female. She wore golden bands and earrings, and though she lived within the forest, her coat was clear of mud or dirt. Hugz realized it might not be a bad idea to cement in his mind her features; with any luck they would be doing business together often. Hugz again stared intently at the ponies coat pattern, her soft blue eyes, and the shape of her ears. Hugz carefully filed away all this information deep within his mind, and swore that for the first time in his life, he would not mistake this pony for another. Hugz stared this way until he realized he’d been silently glaring at the poor pony for several minutes.

Buck, she’s probably never seen a sapient ape, he thought to himself, I need to carefully choose my next words so she doesn’t think I’m an absolute idiot, I should lead with an explanation of why I’ve been so quiet, followed by a compliment and...horseapples, I’m still glaring

The grey and white pony’s expression had begun to morph into one of barely concealed annoyance and she began to stand up to slam the door when Hugz quickly blurted out “Buck! I’m sorry, I’m an idiot, and you have beautiful eyes, can I please have some drugs?”

Hugz took a moment to drink in the shocked expression on the pony’s face and in her, indeed, beautiful eyes. Great job Brain. Pure chaddery right there. Absolute 10/10. Hugz dug around in his shirt pocket for the timeworn card that he carried on him everywhere. He didn’t need to look at the card to know what it said, at this point it was almost like a security item in the way it made him feel more confident. “Hello, my name is Hugz” he began to recite from memory “You may have noticed that I talk and act a little differently than a normal pony, this is because I have a minor condition that can cause me to have difficulty expressing myself, I apologize if I offended you in any way and I hope we can be friends.” Hugz kept what the bottom half of the card read to himself, no need to share his mother’s name and old address, he had been issued the card before he was an adult but he couldn’t convince himself to get a new one.

The confused pony’s face slowly broke into a grin and she released a breath she had clearly been holding a little too long. A softness came to her face and she seemed genuinely happy to see him. She was soon waving at him to follow him into the home that he could now see was full of strange liquids, powders, and creams that hung in great bundles, sat in tiny jars, or rested in tidy heaps within wooden bowls. The strange pony took no time to introduce herself in an odd, poetic form.
“Hugz! A pleasure that you would come to me,
Though I know not how you found my tree,
My name is Zecora, and this is my shop and home,
I too am new here so you need not feel alone,
I have business to attend to in the field I’m afraid,
So I cannot perform your checkup today,
My assistant can help you with your prescription,
Simply let her know its description.”
And with that the strange pony(?) made her way out the front door carrying on her back a case of things so indescribably strange, Hugz would have difficulty describing them. The door softly closed behind her and Hugz was left seemingly alone in the cozy abode with no idea what to do next. “Why did she think I needed a checkup?”

“Come down staaaairs~” rung out a familiar voice with an ethereal tone.

Hugz scanned the room and noticed a wooden trap door with a rope handle sticking out of the ground, and he quickly made his way over to either find the pony that was calling to him or fight the ghost that knew his name; Hugz doesn’t play around with ghosts. “Made that mistake one too many times”. Fortunately the room below was well lit and strangely smelled of sweets. He could nearly make out the shape of a pony standing behind a table covered in beakers of fluid, small instruments, and tools. A smarter man might have noticed the creepy cellar containing a strange pony and desserts and decided to get a guard. “Let nopony ever claim that I make smart decisions in the face of adversity”. Hugz had a small chuckle at his own joke and descended the pony sized stairs three steps at a time.

Hugz lingered on the last step and took in his surroundings, forming a circle around the edge of the room tapestries hung from a series of roots that appeared to form the ceiling. Several boxes either stood on the dirt floor or were half sunk into the ground and a chill hung in the air; however the focus of his attention was the bubblegum pink pony wearing a crooked witch’s hat and what must have been at least 3 robes of various fabrics and sizes layered on top of each other into a lumpy mass. Hugz only knew one pony that could be so dangerously pink and he immediately held up his arms in the ancient combat stance of his people or something.

“PINKIE IT IS TIME FOR HUGGING” bellowed the large human with his arms wide and his stance wider in order to withstand the pink missile of affection he proudly called friend.

“Hugglez!” came a high-pitched response from the cotton candy maned mare. The pony, whom he was almost certain was pinkie, quickly stood up. Her haunches, legs, and flanks tensed in preparation for a powerful charge tackle/hug that could certainly crush the bones of any who dared doubt the strength in the flank of an earth pony mare with something to prove/hug, but as quickly as this strength entered her body it was swept away as realization struck the mare and she shrunk back to her position by the table.

The pony deflated slightly and beads of sweat began to form on her forehead, “I mean...you uh...must have mistaken me for some other pony, my name is uh...Pink…” she stood there for a moment with her mouth open hanging on the last syllable in a desperate attempt to buy some time for her brain to catch up. In retrospect she probably should have planned this out a bit better, but then she wouldn’t get a chance to use those improv skills she had spent three years of night classes developing. Fat lot of good that did me, wasted three years I could have used to learn how to make rubber chickens, would have saved a fortune. Oh, horseapples I still haven’t given an answer. “...Potion. My name is Pink Potion, what’s yours?” said the panicking mare who was definitely not Pinkie Pie wearing two and half wizard costumes she definitely didn’t take from Twilight’s closet. She also definitely didn’t borrow a couple choice issues of PlayFilly from Twilight’s stash, definitely.

“You already know my name, you just said it” Hugz pointed out.

“No I didn’t”

“You most certainly did”

“Pinkpotionsayswhat?” shot out the pink wizard.

“Huh?”

“What?” asked the pony tilting her head in confusion.

Hugz relented with a shrug, “Can’t argue with that, my name is Hugz, are you Zecora’s assistant?”

Pink Potion grew a cheerful smile from ear to ear and trotted in place a little, “Yepperoonies, I’m the potion pony you’ve been needing”.

“Well then, Potion Pony, I’m going on an adventure and I want your strongest potions” Hugz passed the mare his shopping list which was mostly made up of emergency medical potions, some utility potions, and a few performance enhancing potions. He had the bits so he may as well be as prepared as possible.

The pony’s smile fell into small frown before becoming a grim grin, “My potions are too strong for you, silly billy”. She began to offer a counter deal but Hugz was quick to cut her off.

“Pink Potion, I tell you I’m going on an adventure and I want only your strongest potions” he firmly reiterated. He had been through this song and dance with half the pharmacists in Canterlot and they always caved whenever he got stern, most ponies were pushovers, Pharmacist’s twice over.

She slammed her hoof against the table, rattling the beakers and bottles with the force of her smack, “You can’t handle my potions, they are too strong for you, simple Hugz”

Hugz reached out and gently tilted the mare’s head so she was looking directly at him, and then pulled her forward till their noses touched. “Potion pony, listen to me, I want only your strongest potions”.

She stuck her tongue out and booped Hugz on the nose with it. “My potions would kill you, Dummy, you cannot handle my potions”.

Hugz released Pink Potion’s face and began to pace around the room, he was beginning to get annoyed at the pony’s resistance. “Potion Seller, I have had enough of these games, I’m likely going to battle and I need your strongest potions”. Combat wasn’t common in pony society but Hugz refused to get caught out without a fire resistance potion since his previous fight with Spike over the last quesadilla, little guy acted like they were godfood.

The pink pony stood on her hind legs and pointed a hoof at Hugz, “My strongest potions would kill you, Doofus, you can’t handle my strongest potions.” Her grin grew to such a degree it was a wonder her face didn’t split. “You’d better go to a seller that sells weaker potions”.

Hugz was now red in the face and his throat had begun to tighten in anger. Who did this Pink Potion think she was to deny him his liquid power boost? Did she not understand the risks of battle in ponyville? The constant danger of timberwolves, manticores, angry bluefasts, and sentient rocks that tried to sneak up on you and eat your hair (don’t ask)? “Potion seller, I’m telling you right now, in as simple of terms that I can, I’m going into battle and I need only your strongest potions”.

Pink Potion (definitely not Pinkie Pie (subtle reminder)) was overcome with a look of grave seriousness that left Hugz doubting his conviction. “You don’t know what you asked, Goober, my strongest potions would kill a full grown dragon, let alone a hoo-man. You need a seller that sells weaker potions, because my potions are way too strong”.

Tears were streaming down Hugz’ face. It was beginning to set in for him that he would not be getting a brew of cheese replacement; the only potion he knew of that could make anything taste like nacho cheese. He also probably wouldn’t be getting his actually useful potions but a man has priorities. His voice dripped with sorrow and every word came with fresh tears, “Pink Potion, I’m telling you I need your strongest potions, I’m going on an adventure, I’m going on a dangerous adventure, and I need your strongest potions”.

The Mare’s sadistic grin returned, “You can’t handle my strongest potions. No one can, my strongest potions aren’t fit for a beast, let alone a man”.

Hugz dropped to his knees with an audible thud and clasped his hands in front of him in the strongest begging stance he knew of “Potion pony, what do I have to tell you to get your potions? Why won’t you trust me with your strongest potions, potion pony? I need them if I’m to be successful on my adventure!”.

Pinkie Pie Pink Potion stood upon her small table, knocking over several full beakers that hissed, glowed, and released a foul odorous fog that framed the pony like some great demon of pain and potions. Her voice absolutely dripped with a thick sadism that rejoiced in the suffering of the pathetic creature before her. “I can’t give you my strongest potions, because my strongest potions are only for the strongest ponies and you are of the weakest”.

“Well then, that’s it potion seller, I’ll go elsewhere, I’ll go elsewhere for my potions” Hugz wiped the tears from his cheeks and stood up to go, there was nothing worth staying here for. Maybe Applebloom had gotten better? Maybe he’d ask that weird lavender pony if she could make them, she seemed smart, if a little unhinged.

Potion turned her back on him and as the chemical reaction taking place in the puddle surrounding her table died down, the light that framed her fled and she seemed almost to melt into the shadow. “That’s what you better do” her voice was small and full of sorrow, as if she regretted that this was the way it had to be.

Hugz pieced together some semblance of his pride and began to make his way up the stairs leading out of the basement. “I’ll go elsewhere for my potions and I’ll never come back here”.

The cloaked pony spat back without turning around “Good, you are not welcome here. My potions are only for the strongest and you are clearly not of the strongest, you are clearly of the weakest”.

Hugz was almost up the stairs when he decided to turn around and stomp the last board with so much force it cracked, Pink Potion jumped slightly in surprise but resisted the urge to turn around, otherwise he would see the tears threatening to spill from her blue eyes. “You have had your say, potion pony, but I’ll have mine. You’re a rascal; you’re a rascal with no respect for adventurers, no respect for anything except your bucking potions”. He then quickly left the cottage and slammed the door behind him. He didn’t need to deal with this assistant, he’ll just return when that pretty pony with the stripes was back and purchase from her (if only he could remember her name).
The tears flowed freely from the Pink mare’s face as she removed her hat and quietly whispered to herself. “Why respect adventurers? When my potions can do anything that you can?”

When he got back to town Hugz found a familiar and very welcome face waiting for him at the edge of the everfree forest. Stuffing what had to be like 3 wizard costumes into her saddlebags was Hugz’ favorite party pony Pinkie Pie. Hugz silently walked to her and dropped to his knees to scoop the squishy little pony into his arms and gently hold her in a hug. At first she seemed surprised that he was there, but she quickly finished putting away her robes or whatever and returned the hug in kind, even nuzzling into his chest with a little giggle. “Hey there, Silly is it time for the Hugathon already?”

Hugz sighed heavily into the cotton candy mane of his friend and released a sigh that carried with it all his burdensome stress, “Pinkie you would not believe how bad the customer service was at that potion shop you recommended to me.”

“What, did Applebloom give you a hard time for buying from her teacher?” Pinkie questioned innocently.

“No, it was that pink assistant”.

Pinkie looked at Hugz with a totally legitimate (trust me) look of horror on her face, “Hugz, Applebloom IS Zecora’s assistant. Do you know what this means?”

Hugz paled as he felt a chill take hold in his stomach, “...ghosts…”.

Pinkie nodded her head in confirmation, “It would probably be best if you didn’t go back there, luckily for you I already ordered your prescription and Applebloom will drop it off sometime tomorrow”. She began to rub his back with the frog of her hoof.

“That sucks, the nice mare with the gray stripes was really pretty”, Hugz grew a wistful expression as he remembered those flanks that won’t quit. Like two striped balloons squished together, his mind began to wander further, imagining the wonders those cheeks could show him.

Hugz felt Pinkie Pie stiffen up and stop rubbing his back. Pinkie spoke quickly almost like hanging onto the words was causing her distress, “Yeah it’s a real shame, AnywaysI’mPrettySureSheHasAColtfriend so it’s not like that would have worked out,” she stopped for a breath of air “totally coincidentally I don’t have a coltfriend to like watch movies with, or eat cake with, or go skiing, or watch movies with. Hey that’s a great idea, Hugz we should totally watch a movie together at my place tonite, that would be so random”. Pinkie half laughed-half choked on her laugh and began to sweat profusely.

Hugz wasn’t entirely stupid, he knew something was wrong with his friend and he was pretty sure he knew the cause.

Ghosts.

He also knew it was his job to protect his friend from her fears, after all, he doesn’t play around with ghosts precisely because he knows how scary they can be, and apparently also really annoying as customer service representatives. He quickly scooped up the nervous little pony into his arms and made his way in the direction of Sugarcube Corner. “I accept your offer of a night of movies, sugary snacks, and dressing gummy up like a cowpony”.

Pinkie immediately brightened up, “ I didn’t mention anything about those last two though?”

“I know, I decided on those on my own”.

“That sounds nice, Hugz”. She snuggled further into his chest and felt absolutely zero shame.

Author's Note

I didn't do much proof reading so expect me to come back and edit this from time to time.
I may continue this storyline if it gets enough love. Sorry I've been gone, I was busy being stupid.