Author's Note
This was written as a side project for Boopy's 'The Human Incident' requested by Yakopak.
Article 8 Section 3
Article 8, Section 3 of Castle Etiquette and Expected Behavior
The following rules in this section shall apply to the unicorn Lyra Heartstrings (hereafter “Lyra” or “she”). These rules apply to the entity Lyra Heartstrings no matter what form she may take, be it pony, human, hybrid, or otherwise.
1) Lyra is to be escorted by at least two Royal Guards while in the palace.
2) Lyra is to seek prior notice from Raven Inkwell before petitioning the Princess about humans.
A) Yes, this includes, human ancient artifacts, evidence of human existence, human genetics, human alterations, and human clothing.
3) Lyra is not allowed to attempt to alter another pony’s body parts into human appendages without consent.
A) This includes, but is not limited to: hands, feet, fingers, toes, palms, knuckles, hairless arms, armpits, noses, ears, bipedal legs, reverse knees.
B) Castle guards, staff, and residents are not allowed to request that Lyra turn their fellow residents into humans or change their body parts without their consent.
C) Or any other bipedal form!
4) Lyra is not allowed to attempt spells or rituals from books in the restricted section of the Canterlot Library. There is a reason these books are restricted.
A) Lyra may only have one book checked out from the restricted section of the library at a time.
B) Lyra is not to coerce others to perform restricted spells or rituals from the restricted section of the Canterlot library.
C) Lyra is not to attempt to use spells or rituals to summon humans on castle grounds.
D) Lyra is not to attempt untested spells and rituals that have unknown effects without the supervision of a court wizard.
5) Lyra will maintain a trotting speed within the castle.
A) Lyra is not allowed to teleport in and out of the throne room.
B) Lyra is not allowed to teleport in the castle kitchen.
C) Lyra is not allowed to teleport in the bathrooms.
D) Lyra is not allowed to teleport others without their consent.
E) Lyra is not allowed to teleport to get away from her guard escort.
6) Lyra is not allowed to tape fake countries made with construction paper onto the globes in the geography section of the library.
A) “A-Mare-ica” is not a real place.
B) Lyra is not allowed to petition Princess Celestia that “A-Mare-ica” is a real place.
C) Lyra is also not allowed to alter any library text to include made up bodies of land in magic marker.
7) Lyra is not allowed to draw anatomical pictures of humans in biology books.
A) Humans are not a documented species in Equestria.
B) Adding humans into biology textbooks with a red pen does not make them a documented species. This is vandalism and will not be tolerated.
8) Lyra is not allowed to be in the possession of spray paint, hedge clippers, magic markers, construction paper, or other various arts and crafts implements which she has used to deface or vandalize castle property in the past.
A) Lyra is no longer allowed to trim the hedges in the castle garden.
B) Lyra is no longer allowed to paint murals for the Princess.
C) Lyra is no longer allowed to help in the making of the stained-glass windows.
D) Lyra is no longer allowed to lead arts and crafts during class at Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns.
9) Lyra can alter her own appendages at her own discretion.
A) This does not give her permission to grope, poke, caress, pet, or otherwise touch the Princess, guards, or the castle staff with said appendages.
B) Having hands does not give her permission to use obscene gestures at anypony who walks by. The fact we do not know what these gestures mean does not make it any less offensive.
10) Lyra is not allowed to experiment with monsters from the Everfree forest inside Canterlot Castle, its grounds, or the dungeon, without the direct supervision of a court wizard and the captain of the royal guard.
A) For the purpose of this rule, Twilight Sparkle is considered a court wizard.
B) Or in the residential halls
C) Or the gardens
D) Or the bathrooms
E) Or the castle’s front, side, or rear grounds
11) Lyra is not allowed to try to catch, or to actually catch, the timber wolves in the Everfree Forest in hopes of experimenting on them,
A) Or producing her own wolf pack,
B) Or for any other reason.
12) Lyra is ONLY allowed to brew potions under the direct supervision of Zecora or another qualified potion-maker.
A) Apple Bloom is excluded from supervising potion making, at any time, for any reason, unless Zecora gives her uncoerced permission.
B) Lyra may not use a potion on another pony unless consent is given, and the pony is given full disclosure of the full effects of the potion.
C) “Just to see what happens” is not a valid reason to mix ingredients haphazardly into a potion without regard to their known properties.
13) Lyra is to refrain from coercing other ponies into wearing pants.
A) If Lyra is wearing pants, she is not allowed to disrobe anywhere except the bathrooms.
B) Lyra is not allowed to duplicate pants in the palace.
C) Lyra is not allowed to petition the Princess to make pants part of the Royal Guard uniform.
14) Lyra is not allowed to summon the Equestrian Royal Guard to detain the inhabitants of the Everfree forest.
A) There are no humans in the Everfree forest.
B) There are no humans in Canterlot Castle
C) There are no humans in Canterlot.
D) There are no humans in Ponyville.
E) There are no humans in Equestria.
F) Humans do not exist, and they never have.
G) No pony, person, or other creature is allowed to hunt humans in the Everfree Forest for any reason whatsoever.
H) Yes, we know Zecora is in the Everfree forest. No, she does not need the Equestrian Royal Guard to protect her from humans.
15) Lyra is not allowed to use a grappling hook on castle grounds.
A) She is not allowed to bypass castle walls with a grappling hook.
B) She is not allowed to use a grappling hook to avoid the royal guard.
C) A grappling hook is not an eating utensil. Grappling hooks are prohibited from the dining hall.
16) “I need to find a human” is not a valid excuse for breaking any of these rules.
A) Neither is “Don’t worry, I went to Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns!”
B) Or “Princess Celestia and I go waaay back!”
17) Lyra is not allowed to replace the fountain water in the garden with Jell-O.
A) She is not allowed to eat said Jell-O.
B) She is also not allowed to coerce others into eating said Jell-O.
18) Lyra is not allowed to purchase cheese in bulk.
A) Lyra is not allowed to bring a gratuitous amount of cheese into the Castle.
B) Lyra is not allowed to ask the castle chefs for gratuitous amounts of cheese.
C) Lyra is not allowed to teleport cheese into the castle.
D) Lyra is not allowed to put cheese sculptures of humans anywhere on castle grounds.
E) Lyra is not allowed to conduct experiments with cheese on castle grounds without supervision and permission from a court wizard.
19) Lyra is not allowed to enter castle grounds covered in honey.
A) Lyra is not allowed to cover herself in honey anywhere on castle grounds.
B) Lyra is not allowed to cover others in honey without their permission.
C) Lyra is not allowed to bring beehives into the castle.
D) Lyra is not allowed to teleport beehives into the castle.
E) Lyra is not allowed to conduct experiments with bees anywhere on castle grounds.
20) Lyra is not allowed to enter castle grounds with “human hunting gear” or attempt to hunt or capture humans anywhere on castle grounds.
A) This includes but is not limited to: nets, traps, detectors, weapons, or any equipment that starts with the word “human.”
B) Lyra is not allowed to place human traps anywhere on castle grounds.
C) Lyra is not allowed to harass castle staff or guards about the presence of humans in the castle.
D) Lyra is not allowed to accuse castle staff of being humans.
21) Just because Lyra is an alumni of Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns does not give her permission to enter classes currently in session without prior notice.
A) If Lyra would like to be a guest speaker for any Canterlot class, she needs to get permission from Princess Celestia before-hoof.
B) Lyra is prohibited from teaching foals about humans.
C) Lyra is no longer allowed to teach geography.
D) Lyra is not allowed to teach anatomy.
E) Lyra is not allowed to teach foals how to evade the Royal Guard.
22) Lyra is not allowed in the castle kitchen.
A) Please do not allow Lyra to bother the chefs.
B) The royal chefs work very hard at what they do. Lyra is no longer allowed to provide feedback about the food.
23) Lyra will not under any circumstances be allowed to cast changeling detection spells on anypony within the castle grounds.
A) The guards are responsible for the security of the castle. It is up to the Royal Guard to cast changeling detection magic on the castle grounds.
B) It is rude to cast this spell on the Princess.
C) Lyra is not allowed to cast changeling detection spells on food.
D) Or inanimate objects,
E) Or plants,
F) Or anything else on the castle grounds,
G) Or anything in the airspace above the castle grounds.
24) Tinfoil hats are not required to attend day court.
A) Lyra can wear a tinfoil hat if she so pleases, but she cannot coerce other ponies attending day court into wearing tinfoil hats.
25) Lyra is not allowed in Princess Celestia’s bedchamber without permission.
A) Permission cannot be given via psychic link.
B) Eating a cake from the Princess' personal royal pantry is forbidden.
C) “To preserve the current timeline” is not a valid excuse for trespassing.
26) Lyra is not to come within 100 hooves of the Minotaur ambassador.
A) Lyra is to remain at least 100 hooves away from the Minotaur ambassador’s bedchambers.
27) The castle pond is not a fishing hole.
A) Lyra is not allowed to fish in the castle pond.
B) Lyra is not allowed to use grilled cheese sandwiches as bait.
C) Or any other food item taken from the castle kitchens.
D) The fish in the castle pond are not royal or rare species; they are common koi fish. Catching a “royal fish” does not grant you a special favor or a wish.
28) Lyra is not allowed to animate inanimate objects on castle grounds.
A) This includes but is not limited to: rocks, eating utensils, cheese, disembodied hands, or appendages not otherwise specified, guard armor, and pants.
B) Lyra is not allowed to attach disembodied hands to any surface living or otherwise.
29) Lyra Is no longer allowed in the hedge maze.
A) Lyra is not allowed to change the layout of the hedge maze.
B) “Because I got lost and could not find the way out” is not a valid reason for changing the layout of the hedge maze.
30) Lyra is not allowed in the barracks.
A) Lyra will not under any circumstances wear Royal Guard armor.
B) She is not to be in possession of any Royal Guard weaponry.
C) She is not allowed to pose as a guard to question castle staff with questionable interrogation techniques.
D) She is not allowed to use said disguise to evade her royal guard escort.
31) Lyra is not allowed to ride motorized carts on castle grounds.
A) Lyra is not allowed to construct motorized carts on castle grounds.
B) Lyra is not allowed to summon motorized carts on castle grounds.
C) Lyra is not allowed to teleport motorized carts onto castle grounds.
D) Lyra is not allowed to do experiments on motorized carts on castle grounds.
32) Wearing a human costume while petitioning the Princess or attending court is not appropriate attire.
33) Please discourage Lyra from drinking caffeinated beverages. We recommend limiting her coffee consumption to one cup per day. May Celestia have mercy on you if she drinks more than one.
34) Princess Luna’s dream walking is a royal duty done to keep Equestrian citizens safe from nightmares. It is not for conducting experiments you cannot conduct in the waking world. Lyra is no longer allowed to request Princess Luna use her dream walking spell to allow Lyra to conduct her experiments. Princess Luna has more important things to do then to foalsit while there are equestrian citizens having night terrors.
35) While Lyra may be a handful, she is still a guest of the Princess. She is an alumni of Princess Celestia’s school for Gifted Unicorns, and she is to be treated with the same respect we grant to any other equestrian citizen.
36) Any Royal Guard or Canterlot Castle staff member found allowing Lyra to break any of the above rules or restrictions will be reprimanded, with increased penalties for repeated infractions.
A) Captain Shining Armor, or the current Captain of the Royal Guard, shall be in charge of reviewing all infractions of rules 1-35 and their subsets above. Should the Captain of the Royal Guard be found in violation of these rules, such violations will be reviewed by Princess Celestia herself.
Tipsy Translocation Troubles Part 2
Raven Inkwell was a respectable mare. The eggshell white unicorn was Princess Celestia’s steward and held an important position. With the cutie mark of an Inkwell, her special talent was that of administration. An administrator that could cause the fall of Equestria if she performed her job any less than perfect. The stress would be enough to destroy those with a weak constitution, but not Raven. No, Raven was a seasoned veteran. Living through multiple world ending events with the princess had given her a steel resolve. She was proud of her accomplishments as Celestia’s right hoof mare.
Letting out a powerful sigh, she had found herself in the staff restroom after morning court. She was freshening up in the mirror. Her bun needed a retightening, her glasses had some smudges, and her necktie was slightly askew. Working with nobles and royalty all day put her in the limelight more than she would like so she had to look her best. With her horn glowing, she pulled the scrunchy out of her mane and let the brown locks flow down to her withers. She gave her head a few shakes to loosen it up. While her mane was down, she took her glasses off to wipe them off with a carefully prepared cleaning solution and a cloth embroidered with a fancy “RI” to signify who it belonged to. WIth a few tugs from her magic, she was able to pull her necktie into working order.
Before she was able to spray the cleaning solution on her spectacles a bright flash illuminated the restroom. A loud squeak, one that Raven would deny she made, was followed by a loud pop and feminine groaning and a splash. Looking behind her in the mirror she could see cream colored hooves stumbling about in a puddle. She could hear quite a commotion coming from the stall. Raven’s steel resolve let her take in the situation in stride. This was not the first time she had been bombarded with unusual happenings. Working with nobles had her being bothered at all hours of the day by petty requests. She watched in the mirror as the hooves danced about in the puddle with narrowed eyes, trying to put the hooves to a face..
“Boonnnniiieee!” Slurred a familiar voice. Something about the voice told her that she wasn't all there in the head. “I’m in a toilet!” The voice sputtered with an intoxicated drawl, followed by a splash. “Ugh, I’m wet! Get me out!” The mare demanded, followed by the noise of scrambling hooves against porcelain and a few additional splashes and a flush. Water began to gush out from under the stall.
“Lyra, calm down. Your horn is sparking. I’m afraid if I touch you it will set you off again!” Another voice tried to placate in a clearly panicked voice. At this point Raven was sure who the culprits were. The two ponies in the stall were notorious for livening things up around the castle.
“Lyra.” Raven muttered under her breath. Raven was not surprised in the slightest and prepared herself for another round of insanity.
“Bonnie, I don’t care! I’m stuck in a toilet! Get me out of here!” The toilet bound pony nearly screeched.
“Okay Okay, hold still.” Bonnie’s voice stressed. This was followed by a few grunts, and the sound of two mares groaning from physical distress. “You need to suck your stomach in. We’re not getting anywhere.”
“Are you calling me fat!?” The Lyra voice protested, followed by another grunt.
“Just do it!” Bonnie
“Fine!”
With a loud pop, a flush, and a crash, two mares stumbled through the stall and landed on the tiled floor in a heap. With another bright flash and a loud pop, the restroom emptied out and only one occupant remained.
Raven looked at the puddle that had formed on the bathroom floor, blinked a few times, and turned back around to continue cleaning her glasses. She needed to hurry. There was something she needed to bring to the attention of the princess.
……
Head chef Bread Basket was coordinating the royal dinner for Princess Celestia in the castle kitchen. Everything was going according to plan. The cheddar broccoli soup was heated to perfection. The fresh baguettes were coming out of the oven, and her subordinates were preparing the entrée of butternut lasagna. Bread took a deep breath through her nose, savoring the smells of another successful dinner.
During her moment of reflection, she heard a crash coming from the larder. Bread Basket’s nostrils flared in distaste. Pests had no place in her kitchen and she moved quickly to the ruckus to catch the rascall that would dare defile her domain.
She grabbed a broom with her magic and trotted towards the larder. As she approached she could hear the scrabbling of hooves as puffs of flour escaping from the bottom of the larder door. Bread grunted in dissatisfaction and jerked the door open. A plume of flour dusted her in the face, followed by the sound of struggling.
“Bonnie! I can’t see! I’ve gone blind!” A voice lamented. Each syllable was followed by an additional plume of flour and the sound of hooves smacking against a sack.
“Lyra! Stop flailing, you’re making it worse! You’re stuck in a sack of flour.” The second voice was followed by coughing and gagging.
Bread Basket was sure she recognized the two voices and took a sharp inhale as she was about to tell these two exactly what she thought about the situation. Before she was able to bellow out her grievances, a blob of flour mixed with water shot into her mouth, silencing her.
“Bonnie, I’m getting all goopy! It’s getting in my mane!” Lyra screeched.
“Would you hold still!?” Bonnie replied. You’re going to make it worse.”
“I Can’t! It’s got me!”
Another flail from her hooves sent another glob of flour and water mixture hurtling towards Bread, witch nailed her right on the snoot. Bread basket was about to blow her top when a loud pop was heard and the larder grew quiet. As the flour settled, the aftermath of the situation became clear. The large sack of flour looked like it had been trampled and filled with water. Bread huffed, slammed the door, and spluttered the flour out of her mouth, muttering to herself about getting the guards.
…
Everything was quiet in the royal guard barracks. In the male bay, one thestral guard by the name of Lunar Blade was snoozing peacefully. He kicked in his sleep, and his mouth was shaped into a grin. In his dreams, he was chasing flying mangoes. They were darting around from the sky and disturbing the peace. His duty as a royal guard made it his obligation to enforce the law in the streets of Canterlot. The unregistered fruit flyers were terrifying the citizens and causing mayhem.
“Not on my watch!” He declared while making an interesting bipedal stance with his forehooves on his hips. A cape blew in the breeze behind him. The dark blue stallion with a silver gray mane was the very picture of stallionlyness. He narrowed his dark green slitt pupils at the flitting mangoes trying to terrorize his citizens.
Before he could fly off to munch on those dastardly criminals he was blinded by a bright light and heard a pop. What appeared in front of him made his mouth hit the floor.
Two figures appeared out of nowhere. One was a light cream mare with a two toned mane of pink and blue. The other was what appeared to be a mixture of flour and water with golden eyes. The lump of flour began to flail and whine, causing the stallion to block his ears with his hooves.
“Ugh, I’m so sticky! I’m covered in toilet flour!” The pile of flour moaned. The swinging of appendages slopped blobs of wet flour everywhere, with a blob hitting a mango out of the sky.
“Lyra, Just stop!” The cream mare yelled, exasperated. “Every time you get yourself worked up, we end up teleporting somewhere else. Would you just calm down?” The mare pleaded.
“Alright, alright.” The flour conceded. “I’m calm.” Lyra slumped, collapsing into a heap. “I’m so tired.” It was at this moment the mare took a moment to take in her surroundings and made eye contact with Lunar Blade. The Stallion cleared his throat, and put on his most heroic voice.
“Excuse me ladies, but the city is in the middle of a mango epidemic. I can escort you to the nearest shelter for your safety.” This was followed by a toothy grin that sparkled.
The mare turned back around to her companion and spoke in a hushed tone, one that he could still hear clearly.
“Lyra, I was wrong, we need to get out of here.” This was followed by a smack to her horn, a flash of light and a pop.
Lunar Blade sat up startled out of his dreams. He looked around the bay, but saw no one. He scratched his head with his hooves, shook his head, and went back to sleep. He mumbled something about flour ponies before succumbing to another snooze.
