Oh God Oh Frick I’m Back on My Bullshit, and Just in Time for the May Pairing Contest. Huh, This Title Doesn’t Feel Long Enough. Haha That’s What She Said. Though We as a Society Really Ought To Stop Shaming People for Their Pool Noodle Size.

by Super Trampoline

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, Tempest Shadow, Random, Pinkie Pie, Sex, Profanity, My Little Pony: The Movie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1445

Pinkie & Tempest Blow [yay] up in the desert. Written for the May Pairing Contest, which is unfortunate for whoever has to judge this story. I'm so sorry, contest judge; you don't deserve this. I hope you find a quarter on the ground to make it up.

Pinkie & Tempest Blow sh:yay:t up in the desert. Written for the May Pairing Contest, which is unfortunate for whoever has to judge this story. I'm so sorry, contest judge; you don't deserve this. I hope you find a quarter on the ground to make it up.

Art by Esmeia, who has lots of other great stuff on Derpibooru! Edit by me.

Published 2021-06-01 02:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2021-06-01 02:40:02 UTC

A super trampoline story with no embedded links or pictures that is a powerful smell smells good I finally done editing my ladyship touchdown happy how is it like Steph Curry precisely like Steph Curry how spicy yeah this is one of the things I be

A super trampoline story with no embedded links or pictures that is a powerful smell smells good I finally done editing my ladyship touchdown happy how is it like Steph Curry precisely like Steph Curry how spicy yeah this is one of the things I be

Okay so you know the drill: I'm going to write a really dumb story and you're going to read it and maybe you downvote it or maybe you upvote it, I don't know. But the point is, you know full and well what you're getting into here. So don't come complaining to me in the comments section like a little bitch. Unless you're Wynona, because she is literally a little bitch. Haha get it? She's a small female dog.

So, in this story, Tempest Shadow and Pinkie Pie are going to fuck shit up together. They could fuck each other, but I think I want to try to keep this teen rated, although to be fair I've gotten away with some pretty questionable things while keeping the teen rating in other stories like the Princess Molly one and the Starlight and Trixie Do the Kiss one, both of which I'm too lazy to link to because I'm off of my ADHD meds because I'm out of them until tomorrow so I'm going through withdrawals which basically means I'm really fucking tired and lethargic. Like I took a three-hour nap earlier today. Anyway, one day, Ponks was like, "Y000o, Tempura, by the way that's your new nickname sorry not sorry, can I go down on you?"

And Tempest Shadow was like, "Yo what the fuck, I know you're all about free love, but I'm sort-of-not-really-but-yeah-really-look-it's-complicated-we're-both-complicated-mares dating Twilight (Author's Note: someday when I have $300 or $400 or $500 to burn, I really want to commission Aragon to basically write Resting Witch Face but for Twilight and Tempest instead of Glim Glam and Trixie, but I will want them to also show up too as secondary characters and I want it to be teen rated with the sex and profanity tags instead so Aragon can use more of his fantastic dirty humor. Oh, now that my ban is over, I should see if he has published any more of his fantastic comics. Seriously, check out his comic blog posts if you haven't, he is really great at writing them!)

So Pinkie Pie was like "For sure, for sure, I got you fam and I'll be your wingman too! Anyway, Tempsy, when you invaded Equestria, why didn't you use any actual gunpowder, like my cannons do?"

And Tempest was like "Because it's a fucking PG movie for a TV-Y show. The Storm King and ~~eyes~~ I's actions in reality would probably have killed dozens if not hundreds or even thousands of creatures and I'd be considered a war criminal but because this is magical happy fantasy land, now I get to snog the de-facto ruler of this nation instead of get executed or spend the rest of my life in unsexy jail."

Pinkie Pie was like "Okay, I get that. But you know I actually have gunpowder because I have fucking party cannons except this is Pinkie Pie logic so I don't end up with severe burns every time I fire one and also firing one into someone's face doesn't instantly kill them . Anyway I have a fuck ton of explosives and Trixie does too but this is for the May pairings contest so she's not going to show up in this story, anyway do you want to go blow up shit in the desert?

Hempfest was like "Yeah, sure, that sounds fun. I can get to know you the more, weird pink thing." So they skated through a wormhole in Scott Pilgrim's brain which the Scott Pilgrim comic book series elaborates on much more than the movie, anyway they did that to save time, and ended up in some desert in Equestria. I don't fucking know which one; there are like three or four deserts on the official map of Equestria, so like take your pick, my dude or dudette or whatever the non binary form of that word is.

So Pinkie grabbed from her ~~bag of holding~~ mane a stick of dynamite because of course she did, and she was like "Yo, Alfred Neighbel invented this shit and it's fucking fetch. You can blow stuff up with it, and it's used for blasting tunnels for like rail construction, and also sexy damsel in distress artwork on ~~Imagefap~~ Derpibooru. Anywho, you want to try it?"

And Temperate Biome was like "Fuck me, what the fuck am I getting into? But yeah, sure, you got a match or something?"

"And then Ponk was like "Dude, fucking use your horn like a natural lighter. Like if you were at a boomer rock concert, you would just wave it around during a power ballad instead of a real lighter. Or do what all the kids are doing, just using their fucking phone screens."

And Fizzy Wizzy was like, "Okay, so I know you don't usually think about things like safety, but what do I do after I light it?"

Ponkers was like "Oh, right. Yeah no, that's a valid question. And, um, you fucking run. Or I mean, I think you can kick it? I know you're really good at kicking things based on that action sequence in My Little Pony: The Movie where you froze all the princessessesses in stone because by the 8th season or 7th season or whenever My Little Pony: The Movie came out, there were way too many OP (overpowered, not "original poster") characters and you needed to easily nerf a bunch of them. I mean, Discord doesn't even fucking show up (save a brief end credits cameo) because he's a fucking reality warper, just like Luna doesn't show up in the season 2 finale. Thanks to the magic of fanfiction however, several people have written about why Discord wasn't around during My Little Pony: The Movie. But enough about that, you can definitely try kicking the dynamite; I don't think it will immediately explode or anything. But just to be safe, it really probably is better to just throw it (Apparently you're good at throwing things too, because I heard through the rumor mill that you threw out Twilight's back last week during sex. I'm really happy for you two by the way; I absolutely love the way her face lights up when she's talking about you.), or light it and run away. I mean, I think the fuse burns for a while, but also we use a much longer fuse than the ones that show up in cartoons, with is ironic given that we are cartoon characters. Seriously, the fuse is like eight feet long."

Then Tempest was like "Okay, cool," and she lit it with her sparky horn and then she and Pinkie ran back and hid behind a flimsy plywood façade of an American wild west building like you see in Blazing Saddles, which is an excellent movie I watched on an airplane flight once.

And Goddess damn did that shit fucking blow up. Boom went the dynamite and it exploded and left a little crater in the desert and it was cool as fuck and Tempest Shadow was like, "Yo Pinkie, you got anymore of this stuff? and Pinkie Pie being fucking Pinkie Pie had like a whole stack of six sticks arranged in a l1ittle pyramid, so then they lit the fuse on that cornucopia of kaboom and ran and when it exploded it was an even bigger boom which a few local seismographs even picked up, and Tempest was like "Holy fuckballs this makes me wet! Pinkie, I retract what I said earlier. Please go down on me."

So Pinkie Pie ate out Tempest Shadow in the desert for approximately 40 minutes and Tempest came three and a half times. If I explained the "half" part, I think it would bump the story's rating up to "mature", so you'll just have to take my word and use your imagination. Which I mean, you have to do anyways when it comes to Pinkie Pie shagging anybody, including you, on account of her not being real. Which fucking sucks. Because trust me, I would totally fuck Pinkie Pie.

Author's Note

Holy Shit, This took me like 40 minutes to write using voice to text and then like 5 hours to edit because I'm trying to use my laptop in bed and I kept taking naps because I'm going through moderate ADHD pill withdrawals but fortunately I get my refill tomorrow.