The Profanity Garden

by J Carp

Rating: everyone
Tags: Limestone Pie, Starlight Glimmer, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 6724

Limestone doesn't even know why she's at this stupid party.

Limestone has a situation, and she absolutely does not want to talk about it. But apparently no one informed Maud's stupid unicorn friend, because here they are, in the garden of swears, talking about it.

An entry in the May 2021 Original Pairings Contest.

Published 2021-05-31 23:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-05-31 23:50:01 UTC

Ampersand, exclamation point, asterisk

It wasn’t as if Limestone hated Applejack. She liked Applejack, even though Applejack had a stupid apple face and she sucked. Applejack was low on the list of ponies she’d hate to be stuck talking to at a Pinkie party. But that didn’t mean she was happy having to come all the way to weird dumb Ponyville to go to a Pinkie party in the first place.

“...But that doesn’t mean I’m happy having to come all the way to weird dumb Ponyville to go to a Pinkie party in the first place,” Limestone finished, glaring.

Applejack coughed awkwardly. “Uh. Well. Thanks… for the compliment, sugarcube? We’re all real glad you could make it. I know Pinkie really wanted you to be here.”

Limestone squinted suspiciously. “Uh huhhhhh? And how you know that?”

“She… told me?”

“‘She told me.’ Whatever.” Limestone snorted. She glared at the other pony with them, that blue rainbow idiot jerk who was actually really nice and cool when you talked to her. “She tell you things, too?”

Rainbow Dash blinked. “Does Pinkie tell me things?”

“Well, don’t say it back to me like I don’t know it was a stupid thing to ask! I just didn’t know what to say, so I said something, and it was dumb, and let’s all just move on from it, okay? I’m doing my best, here!”

Applejack frowned with infuriating concern. “Sugarcube, if you’re that uncomfortable…”

“I’m fine!” Limestone snapped. “Pinkie’s parties are fun! I’m just bad at them, because the talking and the nice and the smiling!” She waved her hooves around, trying to indicate just how many ponies were visibly smiling nearby, but she probably failed at communicating why that sucked.

“Well, it sure seems like you’re doing a dang good job to me,” Applejack said, frustratingly reasonably. “I think I saw you talking to Mudbriar earlier, and he ain’t ain’t exactly easy to have a conversation with.”

Limestone didn’t say anything. Rainbow nodded awkwardly and filled the silence. “Yeah, and you were over there with Cranky for a while, too! You’re playing this party on hard mode.”

Limestone continued not saying anything. Why did these ponies have, like, an encyclopedic knowledge of everyone she’d been talking to since she came in?

“Uh.” Applejack kept trying. “And I saw Trixie cornered you, too. I wouldn’t blame anypony who felt overwhelmed from that.”

“Trixie’s,” Limestone said cagily, “fine.” She squinted at them, searching for any hint of duplicity. Finding nothing, she relaxed very, very slightly. “And Mudbriar’s just worried about his stupid job applications, because he’s an idiot like that. But I guess I get it. I told him, this first round of apps is like striated quartz, you just send them out to know where things are going so you know where to really shoot for.”

She rolled her eyes, annoyed at even having to remember any of this stuff. “And Cranky? Gahh. He was just coming up with a bunch of excuses about not buying that boat he has his eyes on. And it’s like, I don’t have a rock metaphor for you, dude, but you obviously want the boat. Just buy the boat. Really, those two are pretty much the least annoying creatures I’ve had to talk to all…" She trailed off. “What.”

Applejack laughed affiliatively. “Aw, nothing, I just think we owe you an apology. Here we were, thinking you didn’t really know anyone in town all that well, and you already got friends and family everywhere.”

“Yeah!” Rainbow agreed, leaning up against Applejack gently. They were relaxing; they looked genuinely happy for her. “And, I really can’t stress this part enough, it’s Mudbriar and Cranky!” And just like that, Rainbow Dash put her wing, very casually, around Applejack’s shoulders. “Two creatures I couldn’t…” She fell silent, raising an eyebrow. “Yo, Limestone, you okay, there? You look a little. Angry?”

She narrowed her eyes. They just. Like it was nothing. Just wing-hug. Right in front of everyone.

“Uh, Sugarcube? You…”

“You two are gay.”

They glanced at each other, nonplussed. “What…”

“You’re gay.” Limestone stared. “Rainbow Dash and Applejack. Just check out the biiiiig power couple, everypony’s supposed to be alllll impressed. Right?”

“Uh.” Rainbow Dash frowned. “Well. Yeah, kinda, actually. But...”

“But nothing,” Limestone interrupted. “You’re gay.” She made a show of looking around, then fixed a gaze back on them. “And in fact. There’s a lot of gay mares here tonight, aren’t there?”

Limestone wasn’t so tactless that she didn’t realize she was saying something potentially offensive. But Pinkie’s friends weren’t acting offended. They were acting nervous. “Uh. Not. That many, I don’t think?”

Limestone nodded back towards the crowd in the other room; she hadn’t seen the purple unicorn weirdo, but Trixie always made it known to everyone where she was in a crowd. “Maud’s friend. And Trixie. They’re gay.”

“Ehh…”

“And.” Limestone waved her hoof vaguely at those two irritating Ponyvillians who had tried to greet her earlier. “And those two. Greenie and Floof Floof, or whoever. They’re not just gay, they’re married gay.”

Applejack took a step forward, grinning anxiously. “It ain’t…”

“Those two flower ponies? Or well actually, now that I think about it, all three of those flower ponies? All gay, right?” She turned back, voice getting loud. “And that other friend of yours. You know, the shy one, with the flutters. She’s gay.”

“Fluttershy’s not gay!” Rainbow pointed out, finally starting to look annoyed. “She’s with Discord, and he’s a dude.” She paused. “Um. More or less? He…” She shook her head briskly. “Gahh, and now I’m thinking about Discord’s gender, and that was not something I ever wanted to...”

“So Pinkie tells you things, huh?” Limestone walked right up to them, grimacing with her entire body. “So she probably told you, right? About my situation?”

“Ghh!” Applejack was visibly sweating, by this point. “What, uh, situation?”

“You don’t know anything about my situation. That what you’re saying? You have no idea what I’m even talking about. That it?”

Applejack didn’t even reply; Limestone just saw the look on her face and knew something distracting and unconvincing was about to ensure. She whirled around, ignoring all the stares she was almost certainly getting, and grunted loudly, “Pinkie! Pinkie, where are ya?!”

Not unexpectedly, Pinkie fell from the ceiling, draping a hoof around her sister’s shoulder and squeezing. “Hi!! Are you having a great time??”

“Is all this because of me?”

“Ummmmmm.” Pinkie gave a wide, unconvincing grin. “Whadya mean? We…”

“Pinkie. Did you set all this up. For me.”

“Ummmmm y--GASP!!” Pinkie’s gasp was seriously just her saying the word ‘gasp,’ but like an idiot, Limestone looked where she was looking anyway. There was a slapping sound, and when Limestone turned back, Pinkie was not draped over her anymore. Instead...

“Limey!!” Cheese Sandwich greeted, beaming. “Hey! Pinkie’s kinda busy! Big salsa emergency. But I can help you out!”

“Ghh… you…” She ground her teeth at him in amazement. “Did you literally just tag in?”

He squeezed her like a long lost twin. “I’d never give up the chance to talk with you! You’re my fave!!”

She murdered him with her eyes and he did not seem to care at all. “I hate you. Don’t touch me. I hate you.”

He did pull back from his embrace, though his smile didn’t even slightly waver. “Whatcha need? Just say it and I can help! Consider me your party genie! Your peenie!!” He paused. “Oh, wait, that doesn’t sound good. Uhm.” He thought for a minute, then smiled again. “I’m your party imp!! Your pim...” His face fell. “That sounds even worse.”

“Is this party for me?” she growled.

“Whaaaaaaat?” Cheese pulled back, gasping. “Didn’t Pinkie tell you? This party is for Bulk finally finishing up his masters degree in social work!”

“Yeaaahh? And it was absolutely, desperately important that I come, because…?”

“Because everyone misses you, you silly goose!”

Her fury at being called a silly goose was almost overwhelming.

It had no obvious effect on him. “Do you want me to introduce you around? I bet you’d really get along with Fluttershy’s rabbit!! He…”

“I already know Angel,” she spat. “He’s great. Or actually, he’s the worst. Same thing. Where’s the swear closet?”

“Hm?” Cheese grinned innocently.

“Where. Is the swear closet. Is it upstairs?”

“Oh!” Cheese chuckled breezily. “We couldn’t do that this time.”

“What?!” she hissed. “You invited me to a party without a swear closet?!”

“Couldn’t!” he explained. “Not enough room. But! That doesn’t mean we didn’t think of you!!” He nodded toward a nearby door. “This is a really isolated part of town, and no one’s gonna be outside this time of night! Just head out back, and the whole outdoors will be your swear closet!”

“The whole out…” The words turned into a gurgle of disgust. “Graagh! If anyone’s innocent little Ponyville ears hear me and get upset, that’s not on me!! Got it? That’s on you!”

He just grinned, exuding pure, sweet dopiness. She turned away and got one step before pausing. “Mmmrrggh.” She turned back, glowering. “I don’t. Really. Hate you.”

“Awwww, Limeyyyyy!”

She turned away again and stomped off towards the back door. Unfortunately, she had caught a glimpse of how flattered and heartfelt his expression was. If her night hadn’t already been ruined, that would have done it.

Limestone swore. She swore loudly, incoherently, spewing out every profane thing she could think of in a rapid-fire list. It didn’t help much.

It was, annoyingly, actually a very pleasant night to be outside, and the garden behind whoever’s house was homey and pretty. The full moon made everything seem a little mystical and serene.

She wasn’t paying attention to what she was saying: it was just very filthy syllables. She tried to whip herself up into a scatalogical frenzy, but she couldn’t fully get there, not in this tranquil garden, not after stupid Rainbow and Applejack had been so stupid nice. But at least after a few minutes, she tired herself out a little. Her throat hurt, and her eyes burned, and that would have to do. She fell silent. Then, sighing, she grudgingly turned to go back into the party.

She froze. There was a pony standing nearby, staring at her, mouth hanging open.

Limestone didn’t feel bad, and she didn’t almost feel bad, but she felt whatever was one step below that. She glared. The other pony didn’t move.

“Take a picture, why doncha?!” Limestone snapped, turning and stomping away.

“Hey!” the pony called after her.

Limestone should not have stopped, but she did. She glanced over her shoulder, raising an eyebrow.

“Um.” The pony, who was a girly-looking nerd unicorn, took a step closer, very hesitantly. “Hey. I’m really sorry I overheard that.”

“What, can’t take a little swearing?” Limestone growled. “Ugh, of course not. Everyone in this town is all…” She affected a freakishly innocent, doe-eyed smile. “‘Let’s all sing a song about cake icing and self-forgiveness!’”

“I…” The unicorn frowned thoughtfully. “Yeah, I guess ponies don’t swear much around here, but it’s not like their heads will explode if they hear it.”

“You know what Pinkie does if she hears someone swear?” Limestone asked, stomping her hoof. “She starts crying. One swear word, instant waterworks. She can’t even help it.”

“We’re not all like Pinkie. I don’t think anyone’s like Pinkie. Um, not that you of all ponies don’t know that.”

“Me? How would you know...” It occurred to Limestone that she hadn’t paid enough attention to this pony’s face to determine if she recognized her. She usually tried to avoid that, because recognizing ponies usually ended badly, but anything was worth prolonging having to go back inside. “Oh. It’s you. Maud’s friend.”

Maud’s friend, after just a very brief pause, grinned just awkwardly enough to keep from being saccharine. “Hi. Starlight Glimmer. Nice to see you again.”

“Is it though?” Limestone asked. “Is it really?”

Starlight frowned. “Yeah. Actually. I never get to see you or, um.” She tapped her chin thoughtfully. “Don’t tell me, starts with an M?”

“Marble.”

“Yeah, Marble! Did she come, too?”

“She’s. At college.”

Starlight started to reply, then stopped. “Yeah. Okay.” She laughed nervously, thankfully not stupid enough to miss the tension in the air. “Um. Anyway, I love Pinkie and Cheese, but no way I can make it through one of their parties without a break. Not, um, the same kind of break you were just taking, but y’know. Same basic deal, I think.”

“Well, brace yourself, before going back in,” Limestone said sourly. “Everyone’s all gay in there.”

“Ev…” Starlight fell silent, then sputtering tried to say something, and then on the third attempt managed to get out, “I’m sorry, what?”

“Pinkie invited every gay mare in Equestria to her stupid party. Applejack and the rainbow and Butterfly and Trix...” Limestone suddenly remembered something about this pony she had recognized. She narrowed her eyes at Starlight suspiciously. “Wait a minute. Not every gay mare in Equestria is in there, are they? At least one is out here in this garden, huh?”

“Whoa. Okay.” Starlight actually walked up to her, matching her glare. “If you have a problem, leave me out of it, and I’m gonna just go back inside. I don’t want to say something to Pinkie and Maud’s sister that I’ll regret.”

“It’s not… I’m not a jerk, okay?!” Limestone snapped. “It’s not that! Pinkie just has some stupid plan! She… ugh.” Limestone hit herself in the temple, groaning. “Look, you’re acting offended instead of nervous, so she probably didn’t tell you. So whatever. I’m sorry. I didn’t. Mean to make you feel judged or whatever.”

Starlight tilted her head. “It’s okay, it… wait. Pinkie has a plan…?” She frowned. “Right. So, a few minutes ago, Pinkie asked me if I needed an introvert break, and she suggested I take a walk out here. Did she tell you to come out here too?”

“Cheese did. And I did it, because I’m an idiot.”

Starlight laughed softly, shaking her head. “Yuuuup. Okay, so this is another classic Pinkie Pie friend set-up, I guess. She did stuff like this for me and Maud.”

“Ugh. Well, at least you’re probably the only pony here who isn’t so innocent you’d freak out from hearing me swea… gahhhhh, and I just realized she arranged that part, too! So I’d trust you!” Limestone paced, grunting to herself. “I knew she was gonna do something like this.”

Starlight laughed awkwardly, and this time it seemed like real awkwardness. “Well. Um, I’m really sorry if you feel cornered, here, I promise I didn’t know.”

“Yeah, yeah. You didn’t know.”

Starlight coughed. “So. Youuuu… want to go back in? Who knows what Trixie’s gotten up to while I’ve been gone. You know Trixie, right? She…”

“Pinkie really didn’t tell you.” Limestone didn’t phrase it as a question, and it wasn’t one.

“Nnnnnnno? Or well, actually, maybe she did. I don’t even know what we’re talking about.”

“My situation.” That obviously communicated nothing, so she clarified: “The big stupid thing I refuse to talk to anypony about, because most ponies are just a bunch of smiling, innocent jerks who wouldn’t understand.”

Starlight glanced at the party, then back to Limestone. “Oh. Right. Um.” She glanced around some more. “...I still don’t know what we’re talking about.”

“Gahhh!” Limestone squeezed her eyes shut. “One of Pinkie’s dumb friends asked me out!”

“...Oh.” Starlight nodded sympathetically. “And…”

“A mare.”

“Oh.” Neither of them said anything for a moment, and Starlight must have gotten uncomfortable, so she continued: “And. You’re not gay, so you don’t know how to turn her down? Or…”

“Hey!” Limestone snapped. “I never said I wasn’t gay. Who told you I wasn’t gay? You call me gay again, I will kick you right in the eye.”

“Ehhh…” Starlight took a step back. “Yeah, so I get this stuff is hard, but don’t threaten to kick me. Okay?”

“Well, obviously I’m sorry!” Limestone yelled. “I know not to say things like that! This is the whole problem!” She plopped her haunches down on the dirt angrily. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Really, I get it.” Starlight sat down next to her, but not too close. “So. Are you?”

Limestone didn’t answer; her thoughts just boiled in her head. Finally, she said, “It’s your girlfriend’s fault. All of this.” She had no clue if she said that to lash out or to be productive or both.

“It’s…” Again, Starlight was stymied, but she was still persisting with the conversation like a champ. “Okay, so it’s not like I’m surprised about any given problem being Trixie’s fault, but I’m not following you. At all.”

“She used to work on the farm!”

“Yeah? I knew that. But…”

“And you know what she used to do? She. Flirted with me.”

“Oh.”

“Well. First, she flirted with Marble, and no. So I stepped up, and she started flirting with me. All smiling and everything. Touching her mane. The whole deal!”

“She can be pretty flirty.”

“And then I saw her again, years later, at another stupid party, and you know what she did? She flirted with me again! I couldn’t make her stop. But then I saw her tonight, and she didn’t flirt with me at all! Just like, said hello. ‘Hello,’ like she’s some kind of empress queen of Hello Town.” She snorted. “I think it’s because she’s dating you.”

Starlight nodded and didn’t speak for a moment. She was doing this transparent ‘thoughtfully signal you’re listening’ thing, which was annoying but whatever. “So. Um. I’m sorry, I’m actually still really confused. Are you angry Trixie flirted with you, or are you angry Trixie stopped flirting with you?”

“Yeah.”

Starlight glanced around, looking very much like a pony worried she was being pranked.

“Listen,” Limestone explained, “it’s not useful to ask me what makes me angry. Okay? The answer’s always gonna be yes. I’m angry about everything.”

“...Everything?”

“Everything! Trixie! Clouds! Cheese Sandwich! That tree!” She leaned over, grabbed a nearby flower in her teeth, and yanked it out of the ground. “Dss flwr!” She spat it out. “I hate that kind of flower. It makes me so mad! It is just the worst shade of yellow. Or whatever color it is. I hate it.”

A strange sound welled up next to her, and it took her a few seconds to realize it was giggles. “Um,” Limestone growled testily, “something funny?”

“Yeah. You. On purpose.” Starlight giggled more, all relaxed and unintimidated. “I didn’t really fully get Maud until I realized she was funny, and she was being funny. You’re different in how you do it, but I think you have that in common.”

Limestone blinked in surprise, then scowled. “Pinkie’s friend said the same thing. Or similar enough. Whatever.”

Starlight nodded. “So. You wanna tell me who it is? I can keep just thinking of her as Mystery Mare, but…” Correctly reading Limestone’s expression, she shrugged. “Okay. Mystery Mare, then, I guess.”

“Y’know, she just showed up outta nowhere like some kind of tourist. You believe that? She said she wanted to know more about rock farming.”

“Is that bad?”

“Of course it’s bad!” Limestone yelled. “She just appears, and you think I’m gonna let her talk about rocks?!”

“I… gotta say, it’s the thing I’d guess you’d want to talk about.”

“Not when there’s more important things!” Limestone spat. “I got up in her face and I told her just what I think of her sending my sister off into danger all the time. And I was right to do it!” She glanced off to the side, scowling. “But. I went too far, like I do every time, and I was yelling, like I do every time. So I made a joke. And. She got it. She laughed and everything got defused. I almost ruined the whole conversation, and she ruined my ability to ruin it!”

“Is that bad?”

“Well, I sure don’t feel bad about yelling at her!” Limestone panted in anger, then sighed. “Or. I do. But!” She reared up in anger again. “I don’t feel bad about telling her what I think! She said nopony ever talks to her like that, like everyone’s intimidated or something, and nuts to that!”

She stood up, not quite pacing, but feeling agitated and needing to move. “So I thought, ‘You wanna hear about rock farming, let’s see how you like this!’ and I took her to Holder’s Boulder and I told her alllllllll about it. Everything I knew, all the geology. Stuff I don’t even care about. And you know what?”

“She… was interested, anyway?”

“No!” Limestone waved her hooves around, trying to physically represent the fury swirling nin her head. “She was bored! She was so bored! But she asked about the history part of it, what it meant to the family, and so I started talking about it. And she kept wanting to know more about that! Isn’t that the worst?! What’s that sound like to you?”

Starlight frowned, but she wasn’t pausing so much anymore. She was getting into the rhythm of talking to Limestone, and it was infuriating. “It sounds like she wanted to have a good talk with you about something you care about, so she skillfully directed the topic to specific aspects she genuinely was interested in.”

“Yeah, so!” Limestone couldn’t think of a way to end that sentence. She just seethed.

“It just. Seems like this actually went well. You...”

“Went well! Hah!” Limestone whirled on Starlight, waving her hoof around sarcastically. “Yeah, it went well, 'cause she was showing off! Lookit the biigggggg social skills on Social Skills Annie, huh? Thinking she can impress me with her niceness and then turn around ask me out and I’ll just say yes without thinking about it?”

“Did you say yes?”

“I told her I’d think about it! Grrrrrph!” Limestone rolled her eyes. “She was really underssstaannnnnding. Of course. She’s a terrible actor, but at least she pretended like she was okay waiting for my answer. Of course.”

Starlight pressed a hoof against her temple. “Why…”

“Look, I’m not stupid!” Limestone insisted. “Pinkie probably set it up. Or suggested it. Or. I dunno, Pinkie doesn’t make any sense. Something.”

“Wait, you think…”

“Of course I think! It’s not a coincidence Marble moves out and all of a sudden Pinkie’s friend just shows up to hit on me!”

“Okay, Limestone?” Starlight had a glare going herself, finally. “Look. Limestone. You don’t have to be happy about anything that’s happening, here. But just, let me say back what I’m hearing, okay?”

“‘Say back what I’m hearing.’ What are you, my therapist? You’re not my therapist! I threw my therapist out a window!”

“This Mystery Mare showed up out of nowhere,” Starlight doggedly continued. “Maybe she was already interested in you, or maybe Pinkie was trying to set you two up. Or both! But either way, she was really nice to you, and she genuinely liked your forthrightness. She smoothed over things that could have been awkward. You had a really good conversation. She asked you out, and it sounds like you wanted to say yes.”

Limestone's jaw was so tensely clenched, she could feel it in her hooves. “What. Is. Your point.”

“What is my point?” Starlight asked, forehead creasing. “What’s my point?!”

“Yes?”

“Gaagh!” Starlight yelled. “My point is, why are you turning something good into something bad?! Just date this stupid Mystery Mare, already! Or, if you really would rather just sit around being miserable, then just sit around being miserable and stop cornering strangers at parties to talk about it!”

Limestone, quite wonderfully, felt herself go blind with rage. She felt it in her entire face, and she inhaled, ready to respond however her brain wanted her to respond.

But, she couldn’t say anything. Sometime between breathing in and actually speaking the words, the energy died. She just stood there. Her face hurt.

Starlight, for her part, was rubbing the back of her neck, embarrassed. “Uh. Wow. I’m really sorry. I… yikes. I really didn’t know that was in me until I’d already said it.”

“You’re Starlight Glimmer,” Limestone remarked.

“Ehh. Yeah? ...Wait, did you really not even remember my name until now?”

“Not your name!” Limestone grunted. “I think I just realized why Pinkie wanted us to run into each other. You’re Starlight. You’re the magic one.”

“What…” Starlight recoiled as Limestone poked her horn with a hoof. “Hey! Stop that!”

“You do magic. So do your magic! Fix me!”

“Fix you? What…” Starlight physically pushed Limestone’s hoof away from her horn. “Okay seriously, stop.”

“You think I’m stupid?” Limestone snapped. “You think I somehow don’t know? I’m the worst, Starlight! I’m terrible to be around! Nopony wants to deal with me. My folks are stuck with me, but everyone else runs when they can! And good for them!”

She glared, eyes hollow with anger. “So. I can’t just ‘choose to date this mare instead of being miserable.’ Don’t you think I would if I could? You said it yourself: she was nice and perfect and kind and graceful, and she still just barellllly kept me from ruining the whole thing a million times! And that was one day! You want me to go out with her again and yell at her like a jerk? Like I’m doing right now to you? And I do to everypony?!”

Starlight maybe was saying something, but Limestone ignored it. “Like, what, I’m all lonely just because everyone’s leaving? Pinkie and Maud already had their biiiiig connection, so no surprise there. But I always knew Marble was gonna be able to leave, when she was ready. Right?” Limestone pointedly did not look in the direction of the party. “It’s not like I didn’t know you were all gonna go, Pinkie. It’s all my own fault. I don’t need your stupid help.”

Well, hell. She was rage-crying, and there wasn’t even enough rage she could focus on that to ignore the crying part. She sniffled. “So do your magic. Fix me.”

“Limestone…” Starlight, an absolutely appalled expression on her face, walked closer. “Look. I can’t do that.”

“Yeah, you can. You saying you won’t?”

Starlight considered that, then nodded. “Yes. I won’t.”

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize you were so principled about it! I guess I got the wrong impression after my sister told me about you mind-controlling her.”

“Gk!” Starlight pulled back as if she’d been threatened with a weapon. “That’s part of why I’m saying no! I’ve already probably been forgiven more than I deserve for things like that!”

“Aww, lookit the sad little martyr,” Limestone growled. “Too bad you used up all your evil magic tokens when you were forcing your friends to do things they didn’t want to do, so now you can’t use magic to give someone what she actually needs.”

There was a long silence. Starlight did not yell and storm away from the ‘sad little martyr’ thing. Limestone really thought that would do it. Instead, she just seemed pensive. The silence continued, weird and awkward.

Eventually, Starlight laughed sadly and softly, which was weird but also kind of charming. “So, I’m supposed to be reformed? Y’know, from the evil sorceress thing?”

Limestone couldn't make heads or tails of where this was coming from, but Starlight continued. “But I kinda sometimes think I’m not. Because Twilight would always tell me, 'you can’t use magic to cut corners with other ponies,’ and what is she even talking about? Of course you can!”

She sniffled; she was crying a little bit, too. Just slightly. “And. And sometimes I really do know what’s best, and it really would be good for everypony to listen to me. And I can make everyone listen with my magic. Or I can put on a suit and be the headmare at a school, and make everyone listen with my title and my authority. And how are those even different? The second thing isn’t automatically just better because it’s not magic!”

Limestone glowered. “So this means you’ll help me?”

Starlight shook her head. “I was wrong, before. It’s not a won’t. It’s a can’t.” She waved her hooves around vaguely, then shrugged. “Okay, let me put it this way. Imagine you have an employee who’s terrible at rock farming. Like, just totally at random here, imagine she’s a vain, flirty, unicorn showmare.”

Despite herself, Limestone laughed. “Uh, sure, got it.”

“She doesn’t know what to do, and she’s completely not made for the work. She has no business even being there. And she’s not any happier than you are about being such a disaster, right?”

“No one’s less happy than me about anything.”

Starlight rolled her eyes. “You know what I mean. Anyway, you really do know what’s best on the farm. And I guess you could stand over her and tell her exactly what to do all day, but then you couldn’t get anything done yourself, right? And you can tell her just general stuff, like ‘be a better worker’ or ‘don’t be lazy,’ but all that’s too vague. She won’t know what you mean, and the ways she interprets it will probably be wrong, anyway.”

“Yeah?”

“So what you’re asking me to do is like that,” Starlight said, very much sounding like a headmare at a school. “I never learned not to be an evil sorceress, but I guess I learned to be an evil sorceress with some humility. I still love running things, but now I know better than to try running things I shouldn’t. Like your personality. I couldn’t just ‘fix you,’ because either it’d be too ambiguous to mean anything, or I’d just be controlling you moment-to-moment and that ruins the whole point.”

“So great. Your magic is totally useless, then?”

“Well. I wouldn’t say useless.” Starlight pondered for a moment, then gasped happily. “Oh! Actually, there’s this! I can do this.” Her horn glowed, and her eyes flashed lavender. “Hm.” She nodded smartly to Limestone. “Okay! You’re gay!”

“I’m… what?!” Limestone screeched. “You… what?!”

“You wouldn’t say it before, but yep! Gay.” She frowned. “Well. Gay-ish? The spell reads several different dimensions in a few different likelihood parameters, but... solid seven-and-a-half out of ten, maybe? Pretty squarely right between me and Trixie, funnily enough…”

“What are you! What!” Limestone stomped around, practically feeling her fury in her hair. “How could you?! What! You won’t fix me, but you’ll just do that?!”

“Um, yeah? I won’t control your mind, but I will use magic to confirm something you clearly already knew. Yeah.”

Limestone glared, the anger turning icy. “Also, it was revenge for the ‘sad little martyr’ line, wasn’t it?”

“And dissing my magic.”

Limestone glowered in resentful, resigned, mildly impressed annoyance, realizing she didn’t scare Starlight at all any more. This was a record; either she was completely losing her edge, or this chick really did somehow just get her.

“I’m sorry they left.”

Limestone didn’t even realize consciously Starlight had said anything by the time she was gaping at her gall for saying it. “What? Who?”

“Your sisters.”

She almost snapped back for Starlight to mind her own business, but she already was. Limestone hadn’t just brought the subject up, she’d yelled it in Starlight’s face. “I’m not sorry. They shoulda. They were always going to.”

“I’m sorry for you.”

“Well, I’m not!” Limestone grunted. “I’m a jerk! My place is the rock farm, and it’s boring, and it’s awful, and I love it! And if they got it in them to be doctors and superheroes, then I’m not gonna feel sad for me for makin’ it easy for them to leave!”

Starlight gave her a look that reminded Limestone of the expression her therapist had right before she went out the window. “I get it.”

“No one gets it!” Limestone raged. “It’s not like I wasn’t already a jerk before! I just grew into myself, and it’s for the best! This…” She rolled her eyes. “This Mystery Mare is the same. No way she should have to deal with me on my stupid, boring rock farm, right? If I didn’t act like this, they all would feel bad about looking down on me!”

Starlight didn’t say anything. Limestone barely noticed. The ranting was flowing on its own by this point. “Maud and Marble were always smart. And curious. It was always gonna be school, for them. Yeah, it took Marble a little longer, but I never doubted for a second she’d be able to, eventually. She was always tougher than she thought she was. And Pinkie…” She laughed mirthlessly, angrily. “Yeah, okay, I didn’t see Pinkie coming. It came out of nowhere. It hurt. That one hurt.”

Starlight was still silent.

“But she had to go!” Limestone insisted, arguing with herself from two seconds earlier. “She got her cutie mark, and c’mon, with a calling like that, she can’t be happy on the farm. We all knew it. So…” She trailed off. The expression on Starlight’s face was suddenly very weird. “What.” Starlight didn’t reply, so she said again, “What?!”

Starlight pressed a hoof to her forehead, almost maybe laughing a little. “Sorry. Just… um. You’re saying a big hurtful moment in your past was. Was literally when someone you really care about got their cutie mark, and then immediately went out of your life.”

Limestone felt very suspicious all of a sudden. “Yeahhhh?”

Starlight shook her head, clearly amused by whatever little irony she was not letting Limestone in on. “And you felt really helpless, so you started acting in really extreme ways to wrest whatever control over things that you could. And then it all just built and built, and it was like you suddenly changed, and you keep doing things you regret, and you don’t know how to get back to being the pony you used to be.”

Limestone squinted. “Yyyyyeeaahhhhhhhh?”

“Wow. Okay.” Starlight took a deep breath, looking completely amazed. “Yeah, really starting to put it together why Pinkie and Cheese wanted us to talk.” She looked at Limestone very sincerely, enragingly sincerely. “Right. I got advice for you. But I get it if you don’t want to hear it. I hate getting advice sometimes, too.”

Limestone regarded her. She exactly half wanted to scream and half wanted to listen.

“...Okayyyyy,” Starlight said. “Uh. Tell you what, I’ll start, and you just let me know if you want me to stop.”

“I guess, whatever.” Limestone sat down. “Whatever. I guess do what you want, I guess.”

Starlight nodded. “Right. Um, so you wanted me to use magic to make you nice? You want to be nice?”

“No.”

“Well. You want to be nicer, then?”

“Muhh.”

“Right. So, I used to be mean, too. In a really different way, but… mean. And maybe I’m not totally reformed, but I’m better, now. So I think I know what you need to focus on.” She leaned forward hesitantly. “You know what it took, right? You know what I’m going to say? You’ve talked to Pinkie enough to know what the answer is, already?”

Limestone scowled. “It’s not friendship, is it?”

“Yes, of course it’s exactly friendship.”

“Gaahhhhhhhhhh.”

“Ponies don’t look down on you. In fact, let me just say right here: I think I like talking to you. I have absolutely no interest at all in hearing you talk about the details of the rock farm, but I don’t look down on what you do, and I like you.”

“I threatened to kick you in the eye.”

“And you apologized for it. Yeah, you have challenging things about you! But you’re funny and you really love your sisters and you’re not like anyone else I know. I want you as my friend.”

“You’re almost as bad as Cheese Sandwich.”

Starlight actually laughed. “See? Nopony else would phrase a compliment like that. Um, maybe you should also try some more... traditional compliments too? But I got what you meant, and that’s the important thing.”

“Grrph.” Limestone glanced away. “Friendships.”

“Yep! So you know what?” Starlight nodded smartly. “I don’t think you should say yes to this Mystery Mare. You should turn her down.”

“What?” Limestone almost recoiled in surprise and offense. “Why?”

“Because. It took me and Trixie two years to start dating, and I’m really proud of myself for getting to the point where I can do that. But I messed up with her a lot before that. And I messed up with a bunch of other ponies, too! And if it’d just been her, as my girlfriend… no way I could have handled all that pressure. I needed space to mess up.”

Limestone felt sad. It was an odd feeling. Sadness was usually so quickly replaced with some form of anger, she wasn’t quite sure what to do. “But. Look, maybe you’re right. But what if I don’t have this chance again?”

“You will.” Starlight paused, then shrugged. “Buuuuut you want to say yes, don’t you? You like her.” Limestone said nothing, but Starlight knew her answer anyway. “You know what? Maybe ignore me; say yes. But I realllllly think if you do, you should ask her to take things slow. And while you’re getting to know her, put effort into your friendships, too. Like your sisters. And me and Trixie. And... Cranky, apparently? Did I really see you talking to Cranky, of all creatures?”

Limestone growled reflexively, but there was no heart in it. “You actually think I can do this?”

“I have no idea!” Starlight’s voice was light and friendly and she sounded like a very nice pony. “Just communicate all you can, apologize when you mess up. You’ve done both of those things a million times in this conversation. Practice, and pat yourself on the back when you do better. If Mystery Mare is as socially skilled as she seems, she’ll make it easy.”

Limestone nodded. “Take it slow, huh?”

“Just get to know each other. Like you got to know me tonight. Except maybe more nuzzling. And less cursing.”

Limestone sighed. “I’m probably gonna mess it up.”

“Maybe! That's why you're giving yourself the space.”

Limestone nodded. “I’m.” She paused a very long time. “Glad.” This pause was even longer. “We’re gonna be friends.”

Starlight grinned. "Me too."

"And." Limestone fixed her with a steely look. "I think if you got any more reformed than you are now, you wouldn't even have talked to me tonight. So don't you go complaining to anyone about still being some evil sorceress. Got it?"

Starlight's smile was exactly the sort of expression that usually made Limestone mad, but it didn't. Just pleasant. “I’ll give you my address. Send me a letter about how things are going, soon, okay? I like pen pals.” She raised a thoughtful eyebrow. “Actually, your town is really small, right? So you and Mystery Mare are probably going to have to have a long distance thing, at least at first. That’ll make it easier to go slow.”

“I guess so. I’ll. Talk to her about it.” Limestone rolled her eyes. “She said she’ll be able to visit really easy. She’s retired, nothing but free time. But I’ll talk about it.”

Starlight nodded, frowning. “Huh. Retired?”

“Yeah. Retired. What.”

“Nothing. Just… who does Pinkie know that’s old enough to reti…” Starlight stopped talking, mid-word. She stood, completely still, mouth hanging open, as the gears turned in her head. “...What?”

Limestone glared. “What.”

“Wait.” Starlight looked like she was literally about to fall over from absolute shock. “Wait, what?!!”

“What!”

Starlight did not reply. Limestone groaned. “Look, you can stand out here like an idiot, if you want. I’m gonna go inside and tell my cousin that apparently I’m seventy-five percent gay.” She turned and started to go. Starlight did not follow. “Well?!” Limestone barked over her shoulder. ‘You coming?”

Finally, Starlight began dumbly trotting after her towards the welcoming sounds of the party. “We gotta work on your decisiveness,” Limestone muttered.

Starlight just nodded as they left the cool garden behind and stepped into the light of the festivities. Pinkie's stupid smile was the first thing Limestone saw in there, and before she even realized it, she was already smiling back.