Rainbow Dash sat down in her cloud home in the sky, watching programs on her television and generally being an unproductive member of society. The television was a birthday gift from Twilight Sparkle, and thus the device occasionally received broadcasts from other dimensions. She was watching a commercial from an extradimensional eatery known as Pizza Hut when suddenly she heard something that caught her attention. “Remember, no one outpizzas the Hut!”
Rainbow Dash furrowed her eyebrows. No one outpizzas the Hut, eh? That sounded like a personal challenge.
Rainbow dashed over to her kitchen and looked through her pantry. She didn’t have flour, tomato sauce, cheese, or really anything she needed to make a pizza, so she decided that she would make do with moist crackers, pomegranate juice, and mayonnaise. Before she could start, however, she heard a knock at her door.
“Coming!” Rainbow went over and opened her front door. Standing in front of her was a human wearing a red baseball cap that had the words 'Pizza Hut' stitched onto them. Rainbow guessed that he was from out of town.
“And just what do you think you’re doing?” the human asked indignantly.
“I’m trying to outpizza the Hut. What does it look like I’m doing?” Rainbow responded.
“You know I can’t allow you to do that,” he said. “It would be against Pizza Hut regulations.”
“Yeah whatever.” Rainbow Dash slammed the door in the human’s face and went back to her kitchen. She was about to go back to making her crude facsimile of a pizza when she heard the distinct sound of her house being demolished. Sure enough, she turned around in a panic and saw the front of her house being demolished by a sky bulldozer, which was being driven by that same human. “Whoa whoa whoa! What is this?!” she yelled.
“Company policy,” he said. “I cannot allow anyone to try and outpizza the Hut under any circumstances."
At that moment, Rainbow Dash decided that jumping out of the window was a preferable fate to being bulldozed and fled the scene.
Rainbow Dash flew all the way to Sugarcube Corner, where Pinkie Pie was working the counter. She flew into the store and slammed the door behind her.
“Pinkie, you gotta help me!” Rainbow said frantically.
“Oh, sure thing Dashie! What do you need help with?”
Rainbow looked out the windows and through the door, breathing a sigh of relief when she saw no one outside. “I’m trying to outpizza the Hut,” she whispered “and I’m having some trouble. Do you think you could help me?”
"Oh sure, that's easy!" Pinkie pulled some pizza dough out of thin air and smoothened it out into a circle on the countertop. “First thing you do is toss the pizza dough into the air like so!” Pinkie threw the pizza pie into the air with a spin and masterfully caught it again.
Suddenly, there was a loud banging at the front door of the store. Two humans, both clad in tactical assault gear, bust down the door of Sugarcube Corner with a battering ram. “What did we just tell you, Dash?” one of them said. “No one outpizzas the Hut!”
“You’ll never take me alive!” Rainbow Dash looked around her for any projectiles she could throw. The closest thing she could find was a box of cupcakes. Close enough, she thought as she downed both security guards with messy confectionaries.
One of the downed guards put a walkie-talkie to his mouth. “She’s armed! Call for backup!” Soon enough, more humans clad in tactical assault gear entered Sugarcube Corner through rifts in space. Rainbow Dash quickly ran out of cupcakes to throw, and the croissants and danishes wouldn’t last much longer at the rate she was throwing them.
“Uh, can you hurry up a bit, Pinkie?!” Rainbow shouted. “I’m running out of pastries to throw at these guys!”
“Just a second, Dashie!” Pinkie put the sauce, cheese, and toppings on her pizza dough in under half a second and threw it into the wood fire oven to her left. “There! Now we just wait for fifteen minutes and our pizza should be done.”
Considerably less than fifteen minutes later, one of the Pizza Hut soldiers pushed Pinkie out of the way of the wood fire oven. He pulled out a flamethrower from nowhere and torched Pinkie’s pizza until it was nothing but ashes.
“Hey! I was cooking that!” Pinkie cried out.
“Company policy,” he said. “We cannot allow anyone to try and outpizza the Hut under any circumstances.”
Rainbow grabbed Pinkie by the hoof. “Come on, let’s get out of here!” Rainbow Dash swiftly flew out of the window of Sugarcube Corner with Pinkie in tow before any of the Pizza Hut soldiers could grab a hold of either of them.
Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie flew over to Twilight Sparkle's crystal palace, taking care to avoid the columns of Pizza Hut soldiers patrolling Ponyville as well as their rocket launchers. Rainbow knocked on Twilight’s door, frantically prancing in place.
Twilight opened her door. “Oh hi there, girls. What’s up-” Before she could even finish her sentence, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie ran into her palace and forcefully shut the door.
"Hey Twilight, good to see you! Could you help us with something real quick?!" Rainbow Dash said quickly.
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "What exactly are you doing?"
Rainbow Dash struggled to come up with an answer. "We're um, well, you see, the thing is-"
"We're trying to outpizza the Hut!" Pinkie Pie finished. "It's not exactly going too well at the moment."
Twilight heard the sounds of explosions outside coming through her crystal walls. "Are you crazy?! Nopony's ever been able to outpizza the Hut! Why exactly should I help you in this foolhardy quest?!"
“I’ll give you two bits and a popsicle from my freezer.”
“Done.” Twilight beckoned the other two mares towards her. "Follow me."
Twilight held her lantern aloft as she descended down the staircase into her crystal dungeon, it's dim light illuminating the way. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie followed close behind. When the three mares reached the ground floor of Twilight's crystal dungeon they took a turn into one of the rooms on the left. In it, they saw a table laid out in front of them with a large pantry right behind it. The pantry was filled with almost every single culinary ingredient known to ponykind, with the exception of a conspicuous lack of any cheese.
"Right then, let's get started." To start off, Twilight levitated a ball of pizza dough over to the table and magically morphed it into a perfect pizza crust. Next, she took a whole tomato, liquefied it into sauce, and spread the sauce on the pizza in ten seconds flat. Then she added every spice under the sun to the sauce and topped it off with a sprig of basil.
"I think that's our pizza finished," Twilight said.
"Silly Twilight, how could you forget the cheese?" Pinkie Pie pulled some balls of mozzarella cheese from behind her back and placed them on the pizza.
Twilight felt uneasy at the sight of the mozzarella and laughed nervously. "Of course. How could I forget the cheese?" Twilight backed up and lit up her horn. Suddenly, the entire pizza erupted into pillars of purple fire. Both Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash yelped in surprise. When the fire died down, they were even more surprised to find that the pizza was perfectly cooked, as if it was allowed to spend fifteen minutes in a wood fire oven.
“Baking fire," Twilight said. "Always cooks food perfectly. Essential for students in magic college."
Suddenly, the three mares heard the door break at the top of the staircase. Soon afterwards, a man touched down to the ground behind them wearing a jetpack on his back.
"And just what do you think you're doing?" he asked indignantly. "It's company policy! We cannot allow anyone to try and outpizza the Hut under any circumstances!"
"You're too late! We've already done it!" Rainbow Dash handed the man a slice of fresh pizza. "Taste for yourself."
The man took a bite from the slice of pizza, and his worst fears were realized. “No! This, this cannot be! You've successfully outpizza’d the Hut! Nooooo!!!!!” Before he was even finished screaming, his body collapsed itself into a single point in space and then vanished from the physical plane.
Rainbow Dash felt a tremendous sense of satisfaction at having finally proven that commercial wrong.
Author's Note
Sometimes, I indulge my stupid ideas way too much.
