"How does Trixie know? How does she know if she deserves her? She's everything and me, I'm just a washed up magician running out of tricks. How do I know if I am worthy of a second chance to start over again?"
Trixie groaned underneath her breath as she moved away from where she had set up her wagon for her upcoming show. Ponies from all around would be coming to see her.
None of them mattered though.
Trixie bit her bottom lip as she sluggishly moved away, far away from her wagon. She found a quiet stop atop a slight hilltop where she could finally think. Trixie's mind was heavy; she could see her very breath as she exhaled outwards, before swallowing another deep breath. She felt her body shiver as she noticed the faint chill of raindrops hitting her fur.
Cold. Wet. Sorrow.
How did she know? How did she know if she was worthy of Starlight? What did she have to give? Who did she even think she was to deserve her?
Sitting there on the cold, hard ground, Trixie stared out to the distance ahead. A landscape filled with many shades of green covered the base of the lands, and the clear blue sky gave way to the light of the sun as it mixed with the two, making a beautiful view to gawk at. And yet, no pony was looking where it counted most. Within.
“Oh, Starlight… what if Trixie isn’t good enough?” Trixie asked aloud, continuing to gawk at the horizon.
Trixie felt frozen; despite the current weather being slightly chilly, it wasn’t really cold. Damp, wet, and annoying but not really bitter.
Biting her bottom lip, Trixie began rubbing one foreleg with the other. Running her hoof over the same spot, again and again before she felt the slight numbness where she had been rubbing. Looking down at it, she sighed heavily. "How does Trixie know? How much is too much, and how little is too small?"
Trixie shook her head forcing her eyes shut, shaking her head back and forth frantically trying to erase those thoughts out of her mind.
She felt the fur rising on her back as she felt the wind whipping at her back. She grimaced against herself, muttering softly and yet with a fire in her eyes.
“Trixie is not afraid of a little rain. It is just water.” Trixie said as she dared to stare up to the sky overhead. She stuck her nose up towards the dark grey stormy clouds and let out a huff of hot air. “She isn’t afraid, do you hear me! She’s not afraid of getting wet.”
The rain continued to pour.
It started out as a slight downpour, just a little rain, but as she sat there talking to the sky, the rain became heavier, beginning to pour down on her.
Trixie ached as she swallowed another breath. Her heartbeat rapidly thumped against her chest. She could practically feel the storm beginning to swallow her, and the rain had nothing to do with the tears falling.
Trixie felt heavy. A statue, unmoving. Motionless. Lifeless.
She shivered as she fought for some comfort from the storm. But she couldn't move.
She was still... stuck.
She just needed... something. Anything that would clear some of her doubts, put fire back into her hooves so she could stand up and move. Anything to tell Trixie she was worthy of Starlight.
Until she could find it, she was stuck.
Motionless. Lifeless. Burning.
The rain cast a shadow over the sun, hiding it’s bright rays from the world. Trixie reached a hoof outwards towards the end of the hilltop she sat upon, trying to reach for some sort of light…
Perhaps she’d have to wait for the stars to shine.
Wait for Starlight to come.
Trixie stared down at the grass beneath her hooves, counting each individual blade of grass to ignore the burning of her own heart. She hadn't felt this cold since that first time. Trixie lowered her head towards the grass, almost as if she were about to just laze in it, without a care in the world for if anyone was watching. The closer she got to the ground, the more her memories swirled through her all at once, almost like a play. Remembering that day like it was yesterday. The day that Twilight had chosen not to forgive her.
"And yet she chose Starlight to be her student. My Starlight..." Trixie paused, biting her tongue. She had always sworn not to allow anger to get the better of her. However, she couldn't help it. The grass beneath her hooves was more worthy of being at Starlight's side than she was.
Crack.
Pop.
Boom.
She shifted her weight backwards, slipping on the damp grass she'd been sitting on. However, she caught herself short of actually falling, watching a few small rocks from underneath her fall down the hilltop. She watched them roll down and fall to the ground, making a tiny noise upon landing. It reminded Trixie of those sparkler fireworks she used to use for practicing her first magic tricks. Trixie moved away from the slope and stared out to the distance ahead of her.
"Trixie often feels like a pebble." She said aloud, the slightest smile raising upon her muzzle once more. "She doesn't always think she needs to be the greatest, nor the best, but Trixie does want to be loved."
Trixie wiped the tears that had been threatening to fall. She thought of her, she always thought of her whenever she was weak.
"Starlight... Am I good enough?" She asked, but Trixie knew she was alone. However she felt her heartbeat rising and falling much hastier than before. She could feel her entire body responding to her own words, her own lack of self doubt. Carefully, she looked at the grass once more. This time she wasn't counting the blades but looking around for dandelions.
Most ponies thought them to be nothing but a nuisance, but dandelions were often used as a symbol of affection. Trixie would find the best dandelion of them all, because she knew Starlight deserved the best. There was no mare better than Trixie.
Author's Note
Sorry for not posting for so long, I've been really struggling with my confidence as a writer. I'm hoping to bounce back soon, but for now I hope you all can deal with this mess of a mare a bit longer. I promise big things are coming. <3
