"Oops! I Divided by Tacos Again!"
“Did you know that, despite being members of the Kingfisher family, Kookaburras rarely prey on fish?” Sonata Dusk stated, her voice echoing across a purple-hued void.
Rainbow Dash was presently concerned with other matters. Like figuring out which way was “up.” For the time being, she and the talkative Homo sirena floated listlessly through a pea-soup archipelago of levitating rocks, globules of green water, and random manifestations of Chinese algebraic formulae.
“It's because they live so far inland,” Sonata continued, humming lackadaisically as she performed a lazy pirouette through the enigmatic expanse. “They feast mostly on Bush critters. Like bugs and snakes. Even venomous ones! Which—granted—account for almost all the snakes in Australia. The ones worth writing home about, at least.”
“Uhm...” Rainbow's voice cracked. Her hands flapped uselessly in the absence of gravity. She was still breathing, so it stood to reason that there was air. And where there was air, there was typically some degree of wind pressure. Oh—how she wished she had wings at the moment, or at least feathers, like a certain cat-sized equine doppelganger she only knew about in writing. “Just where the heck are we?”
“Of course...” Sonata Dusk continued, “...it's been an awful long time since I've traipsed through the Land Down Under.” The villainess tapped a pale finger against her button nose, pouting cutely as she scoured the mimetic resources stored within her adorable cranium. “When exactly was the Adelaide Steamship Company formed? Was that before or after the Coolgardie gold rush?” She eventually shrugged as her feminine figure did a slow rotation. “Ah well.” A cockeyed smile. “All I remember is that Ned's beard really tickled! Heehee!”
“Sonata Dusk!” Rainbow barked.
An upside down siren grinned back. “Atari Head!”
“... … ...that's not my name,” Rainbow droned.
“It is now!” Sonata hugged herself and spun a few more times. “Heeheehee!”
“Sure. Whatever.” Rainbow's fists clenched, her eyes nervously locking onto indistinguishable shapes writhing in the nebulaic distance at all directions. “Can you please tell me where and what this freaky place is?”
“I dunno,” Sonata Dusk burped, shrugging.
Rainbow squinted at her. “How could you not know this place? You ran in here!”
“Not true.”
“Huh?” Rainbow blinked in confusion. “So you do know where we are?”
“No, I mean I didn't exactly run,” Sonata said, waving a dainty hand. “I was just walking. Y'know—slow and normal like. It's you who ran... namely into me.”
“What else was I supposed to do?!” Rainbow Dash rasped, wagging accusatory fingers at her incidental float-buddy. “You were trying to walk through the portal!”
“So?”
“So?!? You're—like—a villain!”
“I am?” Sonata Dusk cocked her head aside with a look of fashionable confusion. “Since when?”
“Since you tried mind-controlling a bunch of teenagers by leeching off their negative energies!”
“Yeah, so?” Sonata Dusk backstroked through the ether, just because she could. “Corporate chairpersons of social media do the same thing every day, and they get paid handsomely for it!”
Rainbow Dash opened her mouth. “... … ...” She curled into a fetal position, staring a thousand miles into the void while cupping her hand against her chin. “Buh. You actually got me there.”
“See? I'm not just bubbles and piss!” Sonata chirped. At precisely that moment, a winged pineapple zipped uncomfortably close by, billowing her short skirt upwards. “Whoops!” She reached down and held the fabric safely in place, blushing slightly. “Almost upped the rating, there~”
“What's really throwing me for a loop,” Rainbow Dash rambled out loud, her gaze bouncing between white rabbits, Egyptian architecture, and Trogdor-the-Burninators in the distance. “Is how come we're not in Equestria.”
“Hmmm?” Sonata Dusk drifted closer to the athletic high schooler. “What's the portal got to do with Equestria?”
“You've gotta be kidding me!” Rainbow Dash blanched. “You have to know that the portal is the direct doorway to prancing magical ponyland!”
“Really?” Sonata giggle-snorted. “Cuz it only ever takes me to Seven Eleven!”
“... … ...isn't the nearest Seven Eleven just two blocks north from Canterlot High?”
“Yes, but the portal's two blocks shorter.”
Rainbow Dash groaned.
“Have you ever spent—like—an entire afternoon snapping into Slim Jims?” Sonata Dusk beamed with sparkles in her rosy eyes. “It's so spicy! It just makes you feel alive! And gassy! It's like a roller coaster for your tummy tubes!” She sighed dreamily, gazing off into the upside-down heavens. “Rest in peace, Roddy the Heartbreak Giant Hogan...”
“Well, this isn't Seven Eleven,” Rainbow grunted.
“I know.” The taco-fish-woman frowned, arms folded. “I think you tackling into me sent the portal all caddywomprat.”
“I didn't tackle you,” Rainbow argued.
“Hmmf!” Sonata Dusk upturned her nose with a haughty frown. “Just what do you call running into me at full force while screaming 'Stop, creep!'”
“Blowing my ult too soon,” Rainbow muttered in defeat.
“Is that a... digital game joke?” Sonata's face scrunched. “I never did get the hang of IBM Machines.”
“IBM Machines?” Rainbow's voice cracked in disgust. “Just how friggin' old are you?”
Sonata Dusk grinned wide. “Yes.”
“Errrrffffuuuu...” Rainbow flatulated in frustration through her mouth. “Well, something with the portal got messed up. I've gone through it and arrived in Equestria before, no problem. So this must have something to do with you.”
“And I have always showed up at Seven Eleven and walked back out with Slim Jims, so you are the most definitely the dependent variable of this current experiment!” Sonata stuck her tongue out and folded her arms in pride. “See? I don't need newfangled Electronic Numerical Integrators in order to be smart!”
“Fine. Let's just... cut the finger-pointing for a bit,” Rainbow Dash exlaimed in a huff. “Instead, let's try to figure out how to get out of this creepy zero-g nightmarescape.”
“Well, technically, it's not zero gravity,” Sonata Dusk hummed.
“Seriously?” Rainbow Dash pointed at their drifting predicament. “How else would you describe this?”
“We're still two bodies of mass floating in close proximity!” Sonata Dusk fluttered her eyelashes. “An attraction is bound to take place.”
“Wh-what?” Rainbow winced.
“Wait for it.”
“... … ...” Rainbow nervously looked left and right.
“~Waaaaaaaaaaait for it~” Sonata Dusk sing-songed, slowly floating closer, and upside down.
“Hold up. Not so close—!” Rainbow Dash squeaked, flinching.
But the inevitable happened. The two teenagers eventually bumped into one another—lightly—like tugboats in a narrow harbor. Soon after the light collision, they locked in place, with Rainbow's face pressed uncomfortably to Sonata's knees and vice versa.
“See?!?” Sonata's giggles vibrated through her bosom and into Rainbow's lower thighs. “We're like Tetris blocks! Heehee!”
“Mrmmfff...” Rainbow turned her head to speak angrily through Sonata's parting legs. “This is not how I wanted to spend my afternoon!”
“Yeah, well, those who are without sin, tackle your first sea siren... or something...” Sonata smiled up at Rainbow's distance face. “Did you know that Mary Magdalene had a mustache! Must be why all the Renaissance artists mixed her up with the disciple John!”
“Now's not the time for—!” Rainbow Dash looked down at her, blushed furiously, and looked away. “—History l-lessons.” She cleared her beet-red throat. “Did you really have to wear a miniskirt today?”
“When you're born aquatic, all pants feel weird.”
“Fine. Whatever. I'm gonna... like...” Rainbow Dash tightened her leg muscles. “...kick away from you now.”
“Awwwwww...” Sonata pouted. “Bored already?”
“I can't think with you being all... you in my ears.”
“Yeah, well, kick against me and you might fly off for a really... really long time,” Sonata Dusk declared. “And risk gravitationally attracting an extra-dimensional siren who doesn't believe in regularly using lavender body wash. What then?”
Rainbow's nostrils flared. “You make a good point. While I'm currently stuck with you, at least you're something familiar.”
“Although, to be honest, I steal the lotion from Aria half the time.” Sonata tongued the inside of her mouth, eyes wandering the same currents that carried her thoughts. “How can I help it? She smells so good. Especially when she thinks she's alone. And sleeping.”
“I think that we should—” Rainbow blinked. She glanced down at Sonata's face near her legs for a few blank seconds, then gazed back up into the void. “I think that we should try floating our way towards one of those land structures.”
“Why?”
“So we can at least have something to stand on—assuming it'll attract our weight like our bodies attract each other.”
“Why?”
“Because I think better when I have my feet on the ground! Any ground! Even if it's loose rocks floating in a giant port-a-potty void.”
“Why?”
“Rrrgh—stop asking me that!!!” Rainbow growled.
“Heeheehee...” Sonata Dusk kicked playfully at the indefinable atmosphere with the tips of her shoes. “You're silly when you're confused. Like... finding a pot of gold replaced with cashews.”
“Eunnghhh...” Rainbow Dash facepalmed.
“Sure, it might not rake in much of a fortune,” Sonata Dusk mused. “But the squirrels that get attracted are so cute and fuzzy to pet...”
“Where'd you learn that little tidbit?” Rainbow droned. “Alexander the Great?”
“Meh...” Sonata Dusk yawned. “To be honest, ol' Lexx wasn't all that 'great.'” Sonata's eyebrows waggled. “His horse on the other hand—”
“Don't finish that sentence.” Rainbow gazed at a continent of winged beavers drifting by. “Let's try to put our heads together and come up with a way out of here.”
“Sure thing!” Sonata Dusk grasped Rainbow's legs and started pivoting. “Mrmfff—let me just crawl up until we're brow-to-brow—”
Rainbow pushed her back in the platonic sixty-nine position. “I don't mean like that!”
“Why not? My nose can fit beside yours! We would be nostril buddies!”
“What I mean is—” Rainbow huffed, glancing past Magic Eye portraits of Bruce Boxleitner and inverted Taj Majals. “Between your crazy long history of evil sorcery and my awesome experience in superheroism, we've got to come up with a solution for getting back home!”
“Eh... I gave up on 'returning home' ages ago,” Sonata Dusk grumbled, her voice taking on the first hint of consternation since Rainbow incidentally pushed the two of them into that enigmatic domain. “A royally-enlisted neckbeard made sure of that.”
“Don't you think he had a reason to?” Rainbow squinted at the siren. “Like—from what Sunset and Princess Twilight tell me, you and your gal-pals were plaguing the landscapes of Equestria with soul-sucking music spells!”
“When a concert sucks, shouldn't people just ask for ticket refunds?”
“I... guess...?”
“Never underestimate art critics during an absolute monarchy,” Sonata Dusk stated. “Believe me. Kelp doesn't even compare.”
“I think you mean to reference Yelp,” Rainbow Dash corrected.
“Mmmmmm...” Sonata Dusk licked her grinning lips. “But Kelp sounds tastier.”
“Sure. Whatever.”
Sonata tilted her head aside. “You really don't like me, do you?”
“I never said that.”
“But it's true. Isn't it.”
“Grnnghhh... I mean...” Rainbow tilted her head to look down at Sonata's face without trespassing upon her miniskirt region. “Attacking my high school buddies with black magic does a sorry number on one's reputation, wouldn't you think?”
“And what about robbing us of our one magical gift and rendering us hungry and homeless?”
“... … ...” Rainbow Dash sighed through a suddenly sore throat. “...I had no idea it was that bad.”
“Well...” Sonata awkwardly twiddled her thumbs, avoiding Rainbow's gaze. “We're not exactly homeless. We've got the van. Dagi's still got that storage unit thingy back in Cairo. Then there's always Seven Eleven...”
“Even still...”
“...and as for 'starving,' ehhhh... that's more of an annoyance than anything. Truth is, death is sort of a foreign concept to us three.” Sonata smiled goofily up at Rainbow. “Like—there was this one time that Dagi, Ari and I were on this crossdressing kick? And we strolled through the Yucatan one day and randomly stumbled upon a crowd of people chilling at a sermon or something. And some righteous-looking dude decided to grant us with 'John the Beloved's blessing', whatever that meant—”
“Look. How about this.” Rainbow put on a brave smile. “If you're willing to forgive me and my friends for zapping you extra hard with Equestrian magic, I'd be on board to forgive the whole... mmmm... powermongering-music-soul-leeching schtick. Sound cool?”
Sonata Dusk smiled with her eyes happily shut. “~Positively Exothermic!~”
“... … ...I've no clue what that means.”
“That's fine. I think I used the word incorrectly.”
“How about a thumb's up?”
“Not in this position.”
“A mental one then.”
Sonata Dusk scrunched her face. “Mmmmmmm...” She scrunched her face some more. “Mmmmmmmmmmmmm!” At last, she popped forth a tight breath, smiling through a fresh sheen of sweat. “Done!”
“Awesome sauce.” Rainbow Dash exhaled with relief. “So... about getting out of here—”
“Usually a tall mutant horned giraffe thingy flies up and snaps me out of here,” Sonata Dusk said. “Like Thanos—only less marketable.”
“Wait... huh??” Rainbow Dash did a double-take. “You mean to tell me you've been in this situation before?!”
“Mmmm... a few times, sure.”
“Like—how in the heck?!?” Rainbow spat. “I wasn't there to tackle you previously!”
Sonata rubbed the back of her head, blushing. “It usually happens when I divide by tacos.”
“What does that even mean?”
“Well... like... if I divided by quesadillas... hoo—hoo—hoo boyyyyyy...” Sonata Dusk emphatically shook her head. “You would NOT want to see THAT.”
“Why did we suddenly start talking about division and mexican cuisine?”
Just then, a grotesque furry/feather homunculus flew up, levitating before the two with peering, red-on-yellow eyes. “Why, it was the only way to fit in the title,” he declared in a rich, sophisticated voice.
“There he is!” Sonata beamed from cheek to squishy cheek. “Hiya, Giraffey!”
“Gaaaaaaaaaaah!!!” Rainbow Dash flailed and flinched, causing the two teenagers to twirl like a lopsided pinwheel. “Gargoyle! Gollum! Friggin' Rob Liefeld crap!”
An eagle talon reached out, steadying the two with a pinch. “Easy, sparky, you'll burst a Pride flag,” the abomination hummed. “Say, aren't you supposed to be flying east?”
“Huh...?”
“Hmmf. Typical. Play dumb any longer and the Wiki will have to draft its own conclusion.” A glisten of his fang, and the wretch looked down at the Wondercolt's companion. “Sonata? Lost in Bonkersville again?”
“Mmmmmmmmmmmyeahhhhhhhh...” Sonata Dusk touched two fingers together, smiling bashfully up at the cretin. “It wasn't Central American arithmetic this time. I promise.”
“How many times do I have to shoo you from my front lawn?” The monster yawned. “No big dealio. So...” He manifested a cricket bat in one palm and a French Trebuchet in the other. “How do you wanna do this? The slow way or the Edgar Wright way?”
“Ooh! Oooooh!” Sonata Dusk waved excitedly. “Full Baby Driver! Pretty pleeeeeease?”
“Darling, you're not wearing the dress for it.”
“Awwwwwww...” Sonata Dusk pulled the length of her skirt down. “What if I cross my legs?”
“Didn't work last time.”
“Phooie.”
“Hey... uhm...” Rainbow Dash raised her hand.
The anomalous entity gestured at her. “The prismatic non-pegasus speaks!”
“Yeah... like...” Rainbow's eyes thinned. “Why do you sound like that one dude from Star Trek?”
He retorted, “I'd start asking smarter questions if I were you.”
“Like...?”
“Like how does an immortal siren woman unfamiliar with modern computers know what Tetris is?”
“Yeah, I guess that's—wait...” Rainbow's eyes crossed.
“And just for that! Let's go for straight down the middle!” The creature slapped the cricket bat and trebuchet together, forming a white swan. “Hot Fuzz Express! Judge, Judy, and Executioner!” He proceeded to tie the two girls to the swan and slap the water fowl upside the tail-feathers. “Zoop!”
With a resounding honk, the avian specimen flew off at the speed of photons, opening a rift in space and time that threw the two howling teenagers back into the realm of humans, high school, and taxes.
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” Rainbow shrieked.
“Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” a taco fish cheered.
Blip! The portal closed.
“All in a good oneshot's work.” The creature dusted off his mutant, asymetrical hands. Before returning to his lone flat resting on a chunk of floating soil, he paused... then turned to face you. “What?” A sideways tug of a red necktie. “It's either this or more Femme Sentry. It's 2021, marsupials. Pick your poison.”
Author's Note
Inspiration
