Crimes Against Ponykind

by Boopy Doopy

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Pinkie Pie
Length: 2533

Wherein Pinkie Pie shows Princess Luna the wonders of her favorite beverage. A perfectly normal reaction ensues.

Pinkie Pie shows Princess Luna her favorite beverage, coffee. The result is Luna seeing Equestria with a new set of eyes, and seeing just how vile and evil the typical pony is, and she realizes that this must be remedied.

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Published 2021-06-05 03:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-06-05 03:20:01 UTC

A Perfectly Normal Morning

“It smells quite… strange…” Princess Luna commented as she and Pinkie Pie sat in the dining hall of her and her sister’s castle. It was an hour or two after sunrise, and the princess of the night was quite tired at this late at night. Or rather, this late in the morning. She normally went to sleep right as the sun rose, but Twilight Sparkle’s friend had made mention of a delicious drink that would let her stay awake longer and give her energy. She’d never heard of something like that, but she was curious, and stayed awake to see what it was.

“It is quite strong smelling, bitter,” she continued as she held a mug of dark liquid close to her muzzle. “Even without tasting it, we don’t see how this could possibly be enjoyable.”

“Oh, you just gotta try some first!” the pink pony replied. “It tastes super duper good and makes you feel extra, extra great! It makes you just wanna jump around and go crazy and have fun after you drink it! I have a mug of it every day, I love it so much! Although Twilight and Applejack and Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash and Rarity all say I shouldn’t have any. But I say phooey! How could I possibly have enough energy to throw a party for every new pony in Ponyville without it? Plus, it lets me see the creatures that watch us that nopony else can see.” With that, she downed her mug in one gulp, saying with finality, “Delicious!” Then, waving away from anypony in particular, she added, “Hi, creatures!”

“Well, if you're quite sure… we do not see how it could be of any harm…”

Before she could take a sip, Pinkie stopped her, saying, “You gotta make sure you make it right, and what better way to make it tastes even greater than with sugar and cream?” As she said it, she retrieved a bag of sugar from seemingly nowhere and proceeded to dump the entire contents worth in the princess’s mug. She also made sure to fill it with what many would call an offensive amount of creamer, changing the drink from dark black to almost pure white. As well, she added several shots of espresso to help Princess Luna feel ‘super extra fun’. Despite these things, the amount of liquid in the cup didn’t change, and Pinkie declared it ready a moment later.

“Go on!” she urged. “Try it! It’s great!”

The alicorn cast Pinkie Pie a cautious glance before taking a careful sip, and then, feeling braver after nothing seemed to happen, took a gulp, and then two, and before she knew it, the mug was empty of everything save a few grains of sugar clinging to the bottom.

“Well? Is it good?” Pinkie asked with giddiness. “You feel more awake now don’t you, princess?”

“Hmm… a bit sweet for my taste, however, we cannot say we feel any diff-”

Suddenly, her eyes went wide as she stared at the bottom of her mug, as though seeing it in a completely different light now.

“Pinkamena. Do you see this?” she asked as she stared, her eyes fixated on what she was seeing. “There are 24 grains of sugar at the bottom of this mug.” With that declaration, she lit up her horn to scoop them up and consume them, twitching a little bit at the tiny amount of extra energy they gave her. Then, she looked around the room before settling on a seemingly empty spot of no significance.

“Whoa! You are right, Pinkamena. They are watching us! It seems as though they are reading a story about us! What shall we do to stop them?”

“Oh, don’t mind them, silly! They’re always there! They watch us through something called a screen. It’s really cool! They see everything!”

“They see everything. Just as we do. Watching. And never helping. That makes them enemies! It is our duty to put a stop to this injustice, and a stop to it we will bring!” She geared up her horn to blast at the empty point in the room, however, the pink mare put a hoof on her shoulder to stop her.

“Well, we could do that, but wouldn’t it be more fun to go outside and play?”

“Fun? Play?” she asked as though hearing the words for the first time. “Yes. YES! We shall have fun! We will write it into law! Those who do not have fun shall be imprisoned in Tartarus for one thousand years! I shall see to it myself that everypony in Equestria have fun at all hours of the day, or my name isn’t Luna Nightwalker!”

“That’s the spirit!” Pinkie Pie cheered. “Now let’s go have some fun!”

“Yes, let’s!”

“THE FUN SHALL COMMENCE IMMEDIATELY!” ponies in Donut Joe’s restaurant heard the princess of the night shout at the top of her lungs in her Canterlot voice, many of them dropping their food and spilling their drinks as a result. “ALL THOSE NOT SEEN HAVING FUN WILL BE TRIED AND CONVICTED BY THE ROYAL COURT OF EQUESTRIA!”

They stood wide-eyed at her expression, one that was somehow both smiling and scowling at the same time. Even more strangely, they saw Pinkie Pie standing right next to her, smiling casually and waving as though the scene were the most normal thing in the world.

“You!” Luna accused as she got in a random pony’s face, muzzle to muzzle with them. “Why have you not had fun yet? We have royally decreed it!”

“I- I- I- I- I-” the pony stammered out, unsure of what was happening, unable to do anything except look into her crazy eyes as she twitched a hoof energetically. “I d-didn’t know-”

“We’ve already created and signed the necessary documents placing this law into effect fourteen seconds ago! To Tartarus with you, for one million years! What do you have to say for yourself, criminal scum?”

A moment later, she eyed their mug and smelled the smell wafting out of it, the same strange, bitter, fantastic smell of the drink she just had, and couldn't resist the urge to levitate it over and gulp it down.

“As I always say,” Pinkie got out, nudging and giving a sly grin to the pony next to her as though sharing a joke, “the only thing better than one cup of coffee is two cups of coffee.”

The whole world was still for a moment as the princess stared blankly ahead at the pony in front of her, her eyes firmly staring into his.

“P-p… princess?” they got out cautiously. “Are you-”

“Sweet my sister! You’re going bald!” she yelled!

“Wh- what?”

“You had seventeen more strands of hair in your mane when we saw you in your dreams last night! They have disappeared! This is a tragedy!”

Suddenly, she was on her knees in tears, beating her hooves into the floor as she cried out with genuine pain, “Why, oh why must this have happened to you? Why must the world be so cruel?”

“What? I’m not going bald. I just brushed my mane this morning and it came out then. That’s all, princess.”

“Then your hair is falling out! Even worse! Why has fate cursed this pony so rather than take pity on him? Why, oh why, have they been cursed to suffer this way?”

“I’m not suffering princess,” the pony tried to explain, blushing a bit as he spoke. “It's just my genes. That's what makes some of it come out when I brush."

“Genes? What are genes? Do you speak of the pants the creatures who watch us wear? Are they the cause of this? We shall have their heads, we say, for afflicting our ponies so!”

“No, like, genetics. You know, the thing that makes ponies different from one another. Some ponies have genes with good hair, and some ponies have genes that make their hair fall out as they get older.”

“We must stop genetics, then! No fashion crimes shall be committed under my rule! Any creature caught seen with such a vile thing will hereby be sentenced to eternity in Tartarus! We can have this no more!”

“But- but princess…” somepony else, a young foal started. “Everypony in this restaurant has genetics. That’s what my teacher taught us-”

“Then everypony here shall be sentenced! These crimes are unforgivable! We must round up the whole restaurant before somepony else is cursed to be as unfathomably drab and unfashionable as this poor stallion.”

“Hey!”

Before any more words could be spoken, the alicorn began rounding up ponies, picking them up out of their seats and flying them off to the prison they so rightfully deserved to be in, several at a time, with Pinkie smiling and chattering in her ear along the way.

“Oh, this is so exciting! This will be like one big party, a party that takes place in Tartarus! It’s gonna be so much fun, I bet!”

“Yes! Fun! It shall be fun! Fun is what they will have while they suffer the consequences of their actions! That is our decree! Funtime must commence, or it’s execution! That is the law! The caffeine tells us so!”

“Hmmm…” Pinkie pie said thoughtfully as she put a hoof on her chin. “Being executed is a good idea for ponies who want to be a big ol’ meanie pants, but it wouldn’t be very fun if everypony were dead…”

“A wise mare you are! You’ve both gifted us with knowledge and with coffee. But how shall we remedy this? These wrongdoers must be punished for their crimes, we say!”

“Oh! Oh! Oh! We can make them dance like chickens! That way they can laugh and have fun while they’re being punished!”

“Your knowledge knows no bounds, Pinkamena. The Royal Court applauds you and we thank you for your servitude. A medal of valor shall be mailed to your home in six to ten business days for your service to us.”

“Hurray! Oh, did you want another cup of coffee, princess?” the mare asked, pulling another mug from behind her back out of nowhere.

“A silly question, Pinkamena,” she answered, taking it and gulping it down greedily, her eyes somehow going even wider and crazier once she had finished it.

Before Pinkie could raise a hoof to ask a question, Luna went into overdrive, flying at supersonic speed, arresting and sending to Taruartus each pony she encountered.

“You are too young! You are too thin! You stepped on an ant! Your hat looks weird to us! You are too smelly! Criminals shall know their place in Equestria, for I am Luna Nightwalker, Princess of Justice and Coffee!”

On and on she went, somehow getting even faster as she rounded up ponies, sending them all to Tartarus, the place they rightfully deserved to go for the crimes they had committed, be it breathing too loudly, eating too quickly or, what got Twilight Sparkle after a few minutes, owning too many books.

“Hey, what are you doing?” she asked, confused as she was suddenly flown off from her castle in Ponyville to Tartarus in the blink of an eye.

”Punishing you for your crimes, heathen!” she declared. “And now you shall do the chicken dance and have a jolly good time doing so!”

“Wha-

“Dance, we say! DANCE! Lest your sentences be doubled to double eternity in Tartarus!”

Nopony hesitated after that threat, doing as she commanded, and once she was satisfied that they were performing to her liking, she went out to round up more ponies, stopping on the way for another cup of coffee, which only served to rile her up more.

“All of Equestria shall know the name of Luna!” she spoke in a deafening voice. “Justice will be delivered to this wicked land at last!”

With that, she went back to work, and it wasn’t long before Tartarus was filled up with almost everypony in Equestria, including her sister Celestia before the alicorn could stop her. She was convicted by Luna for having hair that was too wavy and rightfully sentenced to dance as a chicken in the prison she deserved to be in, being thrown in with the scores of other ponies before she could stop it.

“Well, Pinkamena,” Luna started, “we must say that we are quite thankful that you’ve provided us with that delicious drink.” As she said it, her body was shaking violently and her eye was twitching.

"Oh, your welcome!" Pinkie responded happily. "I'm pretty sure you put everypony in all of Equestria in there! There's never been a party that big, even one of mine, or so many ponies doing the chicken dance at the same time. Although it'd be fun if we were there, too. I bet they miss us, and it's probably a great party."

“Oh no! We have sentenced all those ponies and left them without their dearly beloved ruler!” she cried with grief in her voice. “What have we done? How shall we remedy this terrible situation, Pinkamena?”

“Hmmmm… we could sentence ourselves, then they wouldn’t be all alone in there!” Pinkie suggested. “Plus, then we’d have to dance like chickens, too, and it would be so much fun!”

“Truly a scholar, you are,” Luna said, wiping away a tear with her hoof. “Let us shall, then! We will suffer the actions of our consequences!” A second later, Luna had flown the two of them into Tartarus, promptly locking the doors behind them. On the inside, they saw what was thousands of ponies dancing like chickens and shaking their pretend tail feathers. As well, they saw with them a very angry-looking Celestia glaring down at the two of them.

“Pinkie... Luna…”

“Silence, evildoer!” the blue alicorn interrupted. “We have sentenced you to dance like a chicken, and we expect…”

“Luna?”

“We- we expect… stop spinning the world! You will make us dizzy! We will- we will… sentence you, too… for your crimes...”

A moment later, she fell to the floor, the energy she put into sending everypony to Tartarus overriding the caffeine and causing her to snore loudly on the ground.

Celestia rolled her eyes at the scene, many of the ponies around her having finally stopped dancing, and used her Canterlot voice to speak.

“Despite how many new decrees were issued this morning,” she started, “I’m issuing one more.” She paused before saying, "I hereby decree that Princess Luna is banned from the drinking of coffee and must stay fifty meters away from Pinkie pie at all times."

“Whaaaaaa?” Pinkie asked. “But Princess Luna is so much fun!”

“Yes, well, you are the reason we’re in this mess, so be lucky-”

“Uhh, how do we get out of here, Princess?” Twilight asked. “She locked the door to Tartarus from the outside…”

Celestia sighed and facehoofed. "Of course she did," she grumbled to herself.

"Just another morning in Equestria!" Pinkie Pie said happily before dancing like a chicken.

Author's Note

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