A Letter I Never Meant To Send
Dear Family,
I know I’ve changed a lot over the years since I reformed. I honestly never thought I would have become the creature I am today. When I first came around I was tough and hard and, as some of you have called me, a tsundere (what a positively delightful nickname). But somehow, being reformed changed me, and I’m still not entirely sure how.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still an utterly depressed mess who, I will admit, sometimes deserves a good smack upside the head for the remarks I dole out. But you know I don’t really mean them (at least, I hope you know that). To be honest, I hadn’t felt truly happy ever since the only true mother figure I knew left me behind. Some days I still don’t think I ever will be happy again. But then you’re all there, and I know I haven’t said it enough, but…
Thank you.
Thank you for your endless patience with me when I’m being stubborn. Thank you for staying with me when I’m too depressed to move from my bed. Thank you for always providing the comfort and love I complain that I don’t need, but end up accepting anyway. You didn’t have to do that for me, but you still did, even though you could have left me alone like I would demand you to do.
But I think we all know if you had, I’d have been lying on the bathroom floor with cut hooves a long time ago.
I’m just glad you didn’t want that for me.
I was still struggling even after the reformation, and I still am. I’m still not fully sure if it’s my own bucked up head or if it’s partly because I was so confused. You know how many emotions I went through during that time, you had to endure them as much as I did, and I’m sorry I would take them out on you.
I felt like I was lost in a maze, and though I couldn’t bring myself to admit it… I was just so scared.
My mind was running in circles and it still is. Was I gay? Was I just confusing my depression related thoughts with my personal feelings? Was I transgender?
...Was I just overthinking everything?
I still don’t know how I figured everything out in the end. I don’t think I ever would have if it hadn’t been for you all. You listened to me when I was feeling up to voicing my concerns and you comforted me. Honestly, it was nice to know that I wouldn’t be one of the stories that we always hear about from the ponies. You know, the ones who voice it for even a second, and their family treats it like a joke, or even a threat, and sooner or later the unfortunate creature is standing on the sidewalk outside their house with all their worldly belongings that could fit inside a single bag, begging for mercy.
You guys weren’t like that. None of you were. I guess it helped that most of you were all in the same boat as me, at some point. You all understood. Heck, I didn’t even need those ridiculous support groups some of you suggested (I didn’t go to those by the way, I just told you I did so you wouldn’t pull a guilt trip on me). You guys were a support group all by yourselves. And I can’t tell you how accepted that made me feel. You never pressured me into any one box. You let me explore them all myself, and figure out which ones I truly belonged in, or if I belonged in any one of them at all.
Heck, I think the worst I ever felt around you guys was when one of you (you know who you are, stop blushing) walked in on me while I was “exploring” a new style. You all know what I’m talking about, I’m sure. I’m not going to bother even writing it down, in case someone starts snooping through my stuff looking for my so-called “plushie hoard” (it’s only two, geez, get off my back). I’ll just note that if I start hinting about a sale going on in Saddle Row in Manehattan, at least one of you knows what colors go best with my color scheme.
Anyway… I’m sure you’re all still concerned about why I’m saying all this, and, well…
I just… want to thank all of you, okay? And I’m pretty sure by now you’re probably terrified this is a suicide note (if I ever give this to you, which is unlikely). But it’s not, I swear. I know that it would be awful of me to give up on everything and everyone when I’ve come so far. If it happened, it’s not the life that could have been, it’s the life that was lived. And so far, I think I’ve come to a point where I love how my life has gone so far, and I don’t want to let that end here.
I want you all to know how much I love you, and you know I’m terrible at proper communication. Before you ask, poetry is the language of saps who only want to write about the way light filters through blue curtains at dawn. Ugh, now I sound like them, great.
Anyway, if the tear stains don’t dry out by the time I give this to you (again, not likely), then don’t worry. I just… look, I may not show any emotion besides anger most of the time but the tears still come out, okay? Don’t judge me…
Well, that was a stupidly long introduction to the real purpose of this letter, but… I love you guys, and I want to thank you all, in no particular order. (Okay, maybe I’m gonna list you all by who my favorites are, but don’t take it personally, this is mostly just to organize it). So, uh, here we go.
To my adorkable twin,
Thank you for putting up with my attitude. I know I wear you down a lot, but honestly it’s just so fun. I do respect you, you know that. Teasing you and making you punch yourself is just my way of showing you I love you when I don’t feel like saying it, remember that. Since we were born you’ve always been by my side, clinging to me. While I used to think it was annoying, I guess eventually I realized the one who really didn’t want to let go was me. We truly are two sides of the same coin, aren’t we? Thank you for being the Gem to my Ini.
To my loving hurricane,
Thank you for supporting me even when you weren’t entirely sure how to help. I know you’re one of the only ones in my family who wasn’t truly able to understand what I was going through. But like me, you saw yourself as an outcast once, and you were even a thief too (no, I’m not going to say ‘you stole my heart’ so stop waiting for it, I’m no cheesy sap). You were able to use your own past experiences to at least make me feel a little less alone when I felt like an outcast, and you don’t know how much that means to me. Thank you for being the eye of my storm.
To my Fathers,
Thank you for supporting me. I know I wasn’t always easy to deal with, and I’m still not. But sometimes, honestly, I just want attention. I just want to feel special. As the oldest, I feel obliged to be the one you two never have to worry about, and I’m not going to lie, I didn’t like being ignored. But I know you never truly were ignoring me, and the few times you did, it was never on purpose. I know with one of you we had a bit of a rocky start, but now, I’m proud to call myself your child… your half-pint (whoever is laughing at this point, punch them for me, dad). Thank you for being the dads I never knew I wanted.
To my true mom,
Thank you for being the mother I needed. Even though you didn’t need to, you looked out for me. You looked at me, and you saw behind the mask I held up; you saw a scared little nymph who just needed love. And you gave it to me, no matter what. (Even when I let slip about a little crush on a specific red-schemed fellow apprentice). You could’ve left things the way they were, but instead you practically adopted me, and you made me your family from day one. I love you mom, and I wish you were here to see how much your little “angel from Elysium” has grown up. Thank you for being the fortune to my depression.
To pesky sibling #2,
Thank you for being yourself. Yeah, I know I always complain about you but honestly, you’re the only one who can make me smile when I’ve had just about enough of everything else. You’re not like the dork, even though you’re a total nerd (you know it’s true, just own it), and you actually sass me back when I try to snark with you. We may not be related by blood, but I promise, you’re my soul sister. Thank you for being the reason behind my voice.
To my own son,
Don’t be worried that you’re pretty much in the last three, kid. You know I love you, you’re my son in everything but blood. I see a lot of myself in you, including the things you pull to try to get attention. But you helped me too. You (and a certain winged friend of ours) helped me see that I don’t need to hide my interests from the creatures who love me, and it was the best way to just see how many of them truly cared. Thank you for being the hope to my bleakness.
To my nephew,
Yeah, you helped too, little grub (and sorry about you being ranked so far down the list, it’s nothing personal, I promise). You may not have realized it, but whenever I was with you, I honestly could never find it within myself to be mad, especially if it meant trying to take my anger out on you. You’re too innocent, grub, and I was never going to be anything but a proud uncle to you. And I know someday, you’ll meet someone (maybe even someone you already know) who shows you the love and appreciation you deserve. You’re a spunky little guy, with big dreams, and I hope they all come true. Thank you for being the light to my darkness.
To my fellow tsundere,
Yes, I’m thanking you. You and my hurricane were always there and ready to talk after our training. You barely knew me before we got into weekly training sessions, and even then you didn’t have to butt in on my private life. But the dork loves you, so I guess I do too. Either way, I don’t know if it was out of obligation or not (I’m inclined to say it wasn’t), but in the end, you heard me. More than that, you offered support and advice even though you insisted I shouldn’t take it to heart, and it really did help. So yes, thank you for being the spark in my ashes.
Once again, no, I’m not leaving, so stop crying, the ones reading this who are huge saps (if you ever see this). I don’t plan on leaving for a long time. I just… had to get all this down before it got lost amid the other emotions in my head.
I love you all, from the bottom of my heart. I hope you’ve learned that by now (and if you haven’t, smack yourself and read this letter again)
Sincerely,
Pharynx Ray Elytron,
Pronouns He/Them
Bisexual and Genderfluid, and bucking proud of it too.
A Message From A Friend A World Away
Hey Pharynx.
I don’t know if you’ll ever get this. Sunset promised me she’d ensure the journal on your side of the mirror found you after I spoke my piece. But I honestly don’t trust her too much on that just yet and the only reason I’m even writing this right now is because she begged me and because she proved she wasn’t lying about the magic world of horses (etc.).
I hope to Faust you don’t have someone like my (possible) future cousin in your world (and I’m not usually religious so that’s big).
Anyway… you’ve probably realized this by now, but…
My name is Pharynx Ray Elytron, pronouns he/him, sexuality: Bi.
But, uh… well… dammit, can you tell I’m not good at this? Simplest way to put it… I wasn’t always the man writing this now. As all my legal paperwork once said…
My name is Trachea Rei Elytra, pronouns she/her
Ugh, just writing it makes me gag… well, I better get this over with…
Sunset told me that in your world, you were always a boy. You were a Cisgender male. And when I heard that, it took all my emo phase practice to keep myself from tearing up, both from joy and jealousy, to be honest. I honestly thought you were way luckier than I ever am, because you were born into the gender you felt comfortable in, and clearly still feel comfortable to be in, considering Sunset told me you mostly stick to male pronouns..
Up until I was seven, I didn’t mind being Trachea. I would hang out with a group who are now my best friends, but I would specifically spend most of my time with Ember Jiheshi, Tempest Shadow, and my brother Thorax Glyder. I was used to living the life of a tomboy, and I never saw anything different about my body that made me uncomfortable.
But I began to realize I was more than a girl who didn’t mind a little dirt and didn’t play with dolls. I’m still not sure exactly how I ended up figuring it out, I just had an epiphany one day that I didn’t feel as comfortable. It was like a downward spiral. I felt like I was trapped in my own body, and, well… it was one of the worst times of my life.
I didn’t like my name anymore. I didn’t like the talks about the changes my body would go through. I didn’t like how long my hair was. I didn’t like the dresses and outfits that everyone told me I was supposed to wear to fit in.
For a long time, I had something called Gender Dysphoria. I’m not sure if you know what that is, and Sunset warned me not to “go valedictorian” here and give you a giant paragraph of what it means. Basically, it’s the distress someone feels due to a mismatch between what they believe their gender identity is and the gender assigned at birth.
For me, it caused severe depression and suicidal thoughts. It especially didn’t help that I had always hung around the two biggest tomboys in my group of friends. Even though I was confident I had decided who I was, I was still scared.
When I was seven, I stood in the bathroom, locked myself in, and cut off all my hair until it looked like Thorax’s hair. A boy’s hair.
My mother was luckily passed out drunk on the couch at the time (she’s not Chrysalis, it’s a long story), but my dad drove us to school. I was scared to say anything to him, but our father had always been someone I knew I could trust, so after Thorax got out of the car, I told him. He just smiled and told me he loved me no matter what, and if I wanted to fully transition when I got older, to just let him know.
The hardest part was telling my friends, though. (I don’t know how many friends you have in your world, Sunset told me it was about three close friends?) They were all gathered together outside the school, waiting for me. I think Thorax had told them I’d cut my hair, because none of them looked that surprised. I walked up to them, and just blurted it out. I made my voice as authoritative and deep as possible, too. I told them “this is who I am, I don’t care what you say. I’m a boy.”
They were silent… for about five seconds. Tempest and Ember hugged me, and Thorax hugged me (predictable for that huge dork). Then Ocellus, Silverstream, and Yona grabbed my hand and dragged me into the school, where they huddled in a corner around me and began fixing the “mess” on my head. I’m glad they did, at least. They made my hair look more natural, like it had always been short.
When I look back on that day, I can’t help but feel like I’m about to laugh and cry all at once (I don’t though, that’s way too mushy for me). And it wasn’t just my friends who were there for me during my transition.
I will admit, nothing was perfect. I was bullied a lot, and most of my teachers and classmates still believed I was Trachea, and I was just going through a phase. That’s where the depression came from, and the Gender Dysphoria. Almost everyone around me was telling me I was a girl, and I was just going through a weird phase. I’ll admit, a couple times I fought back in ways I’m not proud of. I don’t regret it, at least.
In my mind, Trachea had vanished a long time ago. But no one else saw it that way, and I hated it. Since I hadn’t come up with a boy name that I liked, I asked my friends to just call me by my nickname, Trache, since it felt slightly more natural than my full name.
I fully came out to everyone when I was thirteen years old, at a school talent show in the park. I was learning how to play guitar, and when Thorax and Ocellus told me I should sign up, they convinced me to write a song that would come out for me, since they realized I was nervous about it (I don’t know about their counterparts but those two can read me like an open book). So I did it; I got up there and sang about wanting to be free to be myself, and at the end, I asked my friends to call me Pharynx Ray Elytron from then on. They were overly happy for me, obviously, and through that, I was happy.
When I came out, the backlash was… mixed. My closest friends and family supported me fully, and my Aunt Chrysalis did what my father had been unable to before he left. She took me to get testosterone shots and begin the transition to boyhood. But I was bullied more than ever, especially when I was transitioning. Honestly though, I couldn’t care less what they had to say.
That’s why I’m here today. I know you have the same amount of support I did when I was still changing. I wanted to tell you that you’re not alone, okay? No one in your family, however hard they tried, probably knew exactly what you were going through, even if they were a part of our community too.
That’s because no matter what, every single story is different.
This right here? This is my story.
And what you went through? That’s your story.
But that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter that our stories aren’t even close to being identical, there’s always that one difference. But I don’t want to hide it, I want to celebrate it.
My story’s not over yet. For personal reasons, I’m still wearing a binder. I went through puberty around the time I was getting the testosterone shots, so while my voice got deeper, my breasts didn’t stop developing, and my father believes it’s best we wait a little longer to get the surgery to fix that. I don’t mind the binder, especially since it helps me feel like who I really am. But I do hope one day, I won’t need to wear it.
All in all, I just want you to know that you’re not alone in your world. The love and support you found isn’t only in the ones closest to you. It’s all over, in creatures with stories just like yours, who found their true selves too.
It can even come from a you in another world. You’re perfect, Pharynx. I know that because I’m perfect too, and we’re both proud of who we are. If this ends up getting to you like Sunset promised… just… know that I’m here. If you ever want to talk with someone who won’t spill any secrets you don’t want the rest of your family to know about, or if you just want to vent to someone who has an unbiased and out-of-context opinion, I’m here for you.
Sincerely, your fellow Pride member,
Pharynx Ray Elytron.
Author's Note
And that's the end of this story. But not the end of the entire story of these two, or anyone else's.
Your story is your story, and you should not be ashamed. Live, write, and tell your story with pride.
~Melody Song
