Speed Dating

by The ScapeGoat

Rating: everyone
Tags: Main 6, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human, Romance, Anon, Original Character, Second Person, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 4696

A relatively lonely anon ponders the idea of dating in the pony world and turns to his best friend rainbow dash and the mane six to help set him up to someone. But they have somepony else in mind. Somepony who cant bear to be honest with her feelings

“Dash, would you go out with me?” A pondering anon muttered to his best friend. Which shattered her world, two times over. One from actually asking the question, two from realizing that’s not exactly what he meant.

It’s time for this lonely anon to get out into the dating scene and meet the strange STRANGE ponies equestria has to offer.

Currently under re-writing

A Dash x Anonymous Fic

Published 2021-06-10 15:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-05-27 22:45:54 UTC

Chapter 1

What is there to say really? You don’t know how you got here, you don’t remember much about how things were before you got here. One day you just arrived, and you’ve been content ever since.

The only thing you actually remember before arriving in the colorful horse nation was that you felt lost, and pointless. The next sensation was falling. The next thing you knew was the sound of hospital machinery and being surrounded by abnormally colored ponies, there was a small dragon too thought that was the least of your concerns. Over the next few days you had grown acquainted with the eight compatriots, them visiting in pairs to cure you of your boredom as the doctors tested you. They were all charming in their own way. It was a surprise at first how they all got along swimmingly but, after getting to know them you started to believe them when they said they were the elements of harmony or friendship or whatever. Their bold declaration made you think that this could be some vision for you, maybe you were too unfriendly and they came to right your wrongs. They did not find it as funny as you did. They were much more serious about helping you than you thought. Twilight had many theories about how you ended up here, but without your memory there just wasn’t a way to know. So the girls decided that you would stay with them until they found an remembering spell powerful enough for you. It was just a matter of where you stayed.

Twilight believed that staying in her large castle would do some good.

“Having some extra help around to fill the silence, would do wonders to free my schedule up!” It sounded nice until rainbow dash interjected with how Twilight lived in a library. Book Sorting did not sound appealing to you. Sorry Spike and Starlight.

Applejack gave her opinion next. “Well there’s plenty o’ space at the farm, but uh...” she poked your thin arms, muscle (which might have been there in the past) was absent . “...you might fall flat on yer face tryin’ to do your first buck... ehehe..”

Rainbow dash was gonna offer something but as soon as she inhaled Twilight reminded her that her house was made of clouds. “...ah...right..” she blushed and sunk a foot towards the ground.

Rarity offered her Boutique, Pinkie Pie offered a sleepover at her apartment, but Fluttershy was surprisingly the one to win you over, the animal helper much more confident with a unique species rather than her own kin. She emphasized that her house was well prepared for all animals, including diets. Which, before that moment, no one had thought to ask. Obviously Fluttershy was the best option. Though her house was a bit cramped and noisy from the zoo that lived there you didn’t really complain. You were dead set that the bunny who she cared for would have hurt you if you did. It was a good starting house.

After a couple months, and many many failed rememory spells (these ponies are really good at naming things huh?) you started to realize that you’ll be here for a while. Those feelings of being lost and without purpose returned, so you sought a job. Finding one at rarity’s boutique, your hands being quite valuable for operating sowing machines. Though it was stressful and you screwed up MANY dresses at first, your hand-eye coordination improved over time and before long sowing and such were second nature to you. Your time spent with Fluttershy and Rarity brought you closer to the mane six until you were deemed an irreplaceable part. Life was amazing. You baked with Pinkie Pie and Applejack, worked out with Rainbow Dash, had tea with Discord and Fluttershy, watched Twilight and Starlight do magic, gossiped at work with Rarity, nerded out with Spike and Big Mac, you even went on an adventure that one time! Big balls, met royalty, everyday was a blast. Eventually you got your own one story house, tired of bumming off of fluttershy. Through it all, you were content.

Well maybe not content. Not anymore at least.
Over time those same feelings of being lost and without purpose came back. Even though they had made you feel like you belonged (still do) there was something missing from your life, a little emptiness that gnawed at your soul.

You want to be loved.

To be needed.

To have a special someone.

Everyday it gnaws at you, growing louder and louder. Last night it was unbearable, the isolation from your species’ home planet amplified it. You needed a sleep potion. Too afraid to tell Twilight about your weakness, you had to knock at Zecora’s door for an extra powerful one. You told her that nightmares had kept waking you up and she fell for it. She concocted something that she rhymes would make you sleep through anything. That’s all you needed to hear. As soon as you got home you had chugged the potion. You passed out immediately, and dreamt of falling.

[present day]

Seconds after you began to fall the knocking starts. Brief subtle knocks at first, but they grow with intensity every couple seconds. You still pay the sounds no heed, that is, until the sound of your door being broken in half wakes you from your peaceful slumber, as your heart jumps out of your chest.

You are not prepared for whatever just bust into your house but you leap out of bed and grab the first long weapon you can find. Unfortunately it’s a coat hanger from your closet. which you shakingly raise to your bedroom door as the sounds of the intruder get closer and closer. The intruder shouts something as it pushes the door open revealing their dastardly magenta eyes and not covered blue fur and long rainbow hair that draped over their...

Yknow this intruder really doesn’t know the first thing to breaking into someone’s house. They didn’t even bother to put on a mask!!!

Oh, wait that’s rainbow.

“Uhh.. anon..?” Her scratchy voice fills your ears.. you do not know how you didn’t register her voice when she shouted. “Why are you holding...a coat hanger...like that?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” You said, chest heaving, !mind running trying to think of something witty to say. “I uh...” You’re not a quick thinker, especially when you’re barely awake.

Rainbow cut you short, her annoyed demeanor telling you she was not up for jokes, “I don’t want to know. You overslept.”

She is not normally this serious. Her eyes were darting around never connecting with yours. Only occasionally glancing in your direction.
As your senses shook off your half-awake demeanor, you begin to notice she wasn’t acting normally. She's fidgety, serious, blushing heavily, not looking at your eyes or even your face. Her eyes trailed down towards your...

Ah right, you just woke up. The Oakwood stands tall.

“I...uh...yes. I did.” You say, your right leg reaching across your other leg while your hips slowly rotate in the same direction.

“You don’t...normally oversleep.” She’s right. Normally you’re the one waking her up from sleeping too long. “W-uh the girls were kinda worried ehehe... Not me though. I figured you were okay.”

You place a hand on the wall and pretend to be stretching your hip. You’re confident this looks normal to a pony who knows nothing of human anatomy and how they stretch. “Of course you did. That’s why you knocked down my door.”

“I..uh... I just wanted.. to practice... one of the stunts... from my daring doo novel! Yeah, that’s it! Cuz It might help with the new wonderbolt show..!” Her eyes connect with yours as she bashfully smiles hoping to convince you, the magenta irises were practically sparkling as the sunlight bathed against her light fur. Still blushing from the draped vertical lighthouse sighting. Speaking of which, you brought yourself back to a regular position since your blood was flowing back into your brain instead of the inflatable me..this is a TV-Y7 universe, you can’t finish that thought.

“Still paying for it.” She looked at your directly now her blush fading, replacing it is a mix of shock, dread, and frustration.

“Whuh!.. T-that’s not the point! We’re missing the picnic!!”

“The picnic?” It hit you like a truck. Today was the weekly get-together, you never missed one or have been late for one! How are you going to explain this?! “Oh god, the picnic..”

Your jaw drops as your brain rackS together an excuse.

“Yeah! AJ brought the spare leftovers of cider season!! We have to go!!!” Dash flies behind you in a floating blur and pushes her face and hooves up against your nightshirt. She moves you forward as you push back.

“Wait!!!” You yelped. “My Pants!!!”

In a second, she stops pushing you and backs off. Almost making you fall.

“Mybad.” She flies past you, her blush present. Remembering your lack of pants. Her words as quick and antsy as her “Imjustgonnawaitforyououtsidesorry!”

And she was gone.

Lord have mercy. No time for making decisions you’re just gonna wear the first thing you see. Takes you about 2 minutes to come out in red shorts and a light blue shirt. You’re gonna get an earful from rarity but you’re already gonna get enough of that. You’ll think of an excuse on the way. You open your mouth to say something but she gets there first.

“Finally. Come on!” Rainbow says before bursting off leaving you in the dust.

Or the dust in you. You cough and spit the air dirt from your mouth. You let out a sigh before you start a light jog to catch up.

It’s hard to not think about it when you’re alone. It was easy to ignore it at first but now you think about it with every sight of two lovers together. Lyra and Bonbon. Vinyl and Octavia, The cakes, who were basically out all the damn time. Your jog slows to a walk and then a halt as you look up at the sky and frown. The clouds are clear today, only the bright blue sky and the sun fills your vision.

Man, this thing really wouldn’t leave you alone huh.

—————————

Rainbow dash lands at the edge of the picnic blanket, shaking off the dust that gathered on her tail.

“Rainbow...? Did you find him?”

Rainbow tore her gaze from her tail and stared at the voice that asked her. “Huh?.”

All the girls had gathered around the blanket peering at rainbow with curiosity and worry.

“Ah-non, rainbow. Is everythin alrite?” AJ trots up to Dash’s face with the utmost seriousness.

“Oh! Yeah!! Uh... he’s fine. He’s on his way.” Rainbow shakes her head. She’s not thinking straight. Well, she is thinking straight she’s just not focused on the current situation.

“You left him? Darling that hardly seems appropriate given the current predicament.” Rarity steps up beside Applejack “He’s seldom late, did he seem sick?”

“Maybe we should have all gone...” Twilight sighs.

“Wh- I-“ Rainbow sputters. Her thoughts are a mess right now. She has never seen anon’s bedroom or an indecent anon in general. Or the...morning thing. Anon normally doesn’t do that!!

“Rainbow.... are you okay? You don’t seem so...” Fluttershy looks at rainbow closely.

“FINE!! I’m fine!! I’m just dizzy from...f..flying..?” Rainbow tries to excuse herself but meets only the deadpan faces of some of her friends.

“I Know!!!” The unaffected face of Pinkie pops up from the flock of her friends “We should totally meet him there and surprise him! It can be like a mini traveling surprise picnic party! Weeeeeeeee!!!” She disappeared, shrinking into the same flock. Somehow.

“Pinkies right.” Twilight shook her head “Cmon girls let’s go get him.”

Feeling embarrassed by her absent mind rainbow speaks up. “NOITSOKAYIGOTIT!!”

She’s off.

Twilight once again sighs. “I knew it was a bad idea for dash to go into his house of all people.”

“Come now darling, at least we know he’s okay.” Rarity comforts Twilight with an affectionate nuzzle. Who agreed with a slight nod.

“Yeah it could be worse! He could have disappeared after going into the Everfree Forest last night!” Pinkie adds, suddenly by her friend fluttershy who was filled with surprise by her friend.

The others react with a worried look. “The everfree?” They all said in unison.

————————-

You had stumbled off thinking to yourself quietly. You just chose a direction and walked until you found yourself at the edge of a lake. Staring at the reflection.

Okay so if they can think and speak and are very intelligent it’s okay right.... no wait dolphins can do that. You can’t fuck a dolphin. Yea but dolphins are evil bastards and these guys aren’t so. Well griffons are kinda asshole. But these are not griffons. They’re ponies. What makes them different from dolphins other than their nice...ness? Well they build houses. Elephants can build things too and you can’t fuck elephants. Not like you want to fuck elephants or dolphins. Well ponies have farms, and trains. They went through both the agricultural revolution and the industrial revolution. And elephants and dolphins didn’t do that. So it’s okay??? Right? Your ancestors wouldn’t look down on you for that. You think.

In the middle of your deep thought you feel a breeze rush into you, which snaps you out of your potential pony-dating-justifying thoughts.

“Anon! Where’d you get off to?” You turn to see Dash again, huffing. She had looked everywhere for you it seems like. “You were supposed to be right behind me! Everyone thought I ditched you, that is so lame a-“

“Dash, would you go out me?”

Author's Note

Howdy ho. Been wanting to write a Dash x Anon fic for years.
Don’t expect speed updates I am not sure where this story will go but I’ll work on a chapter 2.
I tried to proofread but yea any critiques are great.
God I hope the like bar isn’t filled with red.
Thanks for the read! comment what you think.

Chapter 2

“Dash would you go out with me?” You said, your words rushing out before your head could process the meanings of your words.

“Whuh!!” She welps. You look over and the red tinge of her blush becoming so thick you could hardly see blue hair. She rambles at high speeds, you're only able to pick up a few words “Wh- what- what- what kind- what- what kind-”

You could hear her heartbeat. That's not even a metaphor, you could actually hear a pounding coming from her body. You furrow your brows in confusion. You still can't get used to the fact that this place is a cartoon world. Rainbow’s ears shrink back, and she becomes bashful refusing to meet your eyes while as red as one-sixth of her hair. It only confuses you more.

“W-Why would you ask that?” She manages to piece together annnd it just kicked in.

“A-OH!” you yelp eyes shooting up in surprise. Your arms drastically waving no. “NOT LIKE THAT!”

She looks back at you. “It...isn’t..?” her ears stay drooping. Her blush starts to fade from her face.

“N-no! I was just...” she stares into your eyes. It's hard to describe her face. Her mouth is frowning, but her eyes tell a different story. The magenta colors bristle with hungry curiosity, and... Disappointment. “I just mean that...would you... Go out with..”

You try to find the words to say at this point but it's difficult to explain yourself. Rainbow’s ears perk up and she takes a step closer to you. Her mouth parts a tiny gap as she whispers something you can't hear. She wants you to explain.

“..a human. Like would you, or..anypony go out with a human? Like, is that taboo or...” her eyes fill with understanding. Her ears twitch a little and go up but still droop. You don't blame her must have been an awkward question.

“Oh,” she says, she sounds disappointed. Perhaps she just didn't like the idea of cross-species dating. You quickly respond.

“I mean like I think I have a good personality, right? So you know I just thought I would ask if I seemed dateable to you. Sorry weird way to ask.” you scratch your head and look away. You wanted to punch something, this was so awkward.

“No!!!” she yells a bit too eagerly before rushing to calm herself down. “I mean... it's not..your fault. Or something.”

You laughed embarrassingly. “I know it's sappy and all that.” eugh, vulnerability. “It's just time for me to find someone...you know?”

“Isn’t that something for old ponies? You don't look THAT old..” Rainbow jokes.

“I-” you aren't sure how to put this. “Humans operate a little differently. We...”

You were lying through your teeth. You had no idea what you were saying.

“Is that why you’ve been going to Zecora?” another voice spoke up, not scratchy like Rainbow’s. You turn, and there was the rest of the Mane 6. They all looked at you, some look worried, some look curious, pinkie pie looks happy. You feel... Raw. Exposed. Incredibly incredibly embarrassed. Twilight spoke again. “She said you have been going to her for sleep potions.”

You smile, but not a genuine kind of smile. An ‘I have been caught going to the GTA strip club by your grandparents’ smile. This day is going poorly. You just have to come clean. “Uh... Yeah.”

Rarity comes up and places a hoof on your back. “Oh, you poor darling. The only human on Equestria, and all you want is a mate. Losing sleep over love..”

Twilight nudged her friend. “Rarity!!” she whispered.

“What??!” she said, “it is romantic!”

“I think it's kinda sweet.” Fluttershy adds.

“If you were struggling with sleep why didn't you just come to us?” Twilight asks, still concerned and a little offended. You hope to Celestia that they don't get more offended by your feelings.

“Well... To be honest. I thought it was pretty silly..? I don't know, I was afraid you guys would find it kinda gross or something.”

“Gross? Darling, of course, it's not gross. Love is beautiful, no matter what species.” Rarity comes close and hugged you.

“Oh, Anon.” Fluttershy joins the hug. AJ follows.

“Yea, ma cousin is datin one of them Buffalo.”

“We would never find you gross Anon. In fact, we’ll totally support you and help you out in finding a date!” Twilight said and the cheers of her compatriots followed. Pinkie jumps into the hug cheering.

“I know EXACTLY what to do!!!!! We can throw Nonny a great big singles-get-together-if-you-ponies-and-nonny-think-its-a-right-match party!!” She squeezes the five of you extra tight.

“Pink..ie...” twilight chokes out and all are let go out of the party pony’s death hold.

“Thanks for the... Encouragement ladies.” You say. “I’m sorry for all the fuss.”

You feel silly still, it wasn’t the first time you were emotionally vulnerable to the girls. You have had many moments since you came here where you opened your heart to several of the girls one on one and at the same time. You couldn’t help but cry when you and pinkie perfected your dad's old cheesecake recipe, the one where he replaced the crust with chocolate. Or that time you got emotional over telling rarity about helping your mom design clothes for her third grader’s Christmas play. The first time you cried was in front of the princesses and the girls a few days after your arrival when you realized you would never see anyone ever again. That’s enough pondering.

As they tell you how there is no need for apologies you finally notice that rainbow never said anything, or was a part of the hug. She’s been quiet this whole time, still is. As you look over you notice that she’s looking out at the river too. She looks deep in thought. A part of you fears she doesn’t hold the same thought process as the others, or maybe what you originally said still bothered her. It was a selfish and surprising thing to ask. Suddenly an idea came back to you, maybe that would cheer her up.

“Listen, girls, I’d love to chat but I think I’ve wasted enough of our precious picnic time. Why don’t we go eat?” You ask, feeling good again.

“Oh thank Celestia!! I made this really gooey cake that I NEED to have before I go cRAZYYY.” Pinkie Pie began bouncing her way up the field and others followed.

As the others leave, you watch RD, she doesn’t even notice.

“Hey.” You say softly. You jolt your head towards the other “Grubs on.”

“Huh?” She looks at you, confused. “Oh. Sorry, I-“

“No I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have dumped this all on you out of the blue like that.”

“No, anon..that’s not..” she sighs, as you tilt your head in confusion. She breathes in and her Bravada comes back. “I get it, I mean even the most awesome pony ever worries about if she can find someone as awesome as her.”

You nod. “I’m glad you do. Now come on, let’s go eat.” You begin to trot after the others.

Rainbow takes one last look at the lake and sighs again. “...or if that awesome pony would want her back.”

——————

Rainbow dash is the coolest awesomest radicalest pony in ponyville if not Equestria, and she knows it. She owns it too. She has her own fan club in three different cities and plenty of admirers. She gets fan letters almost every day, some cute, some creepy. She has saved Equestria a bunch of times, she’s a hero. So why does she feel so bad?

The picnic was great sure, but when she’s alone trying to take a small nap on a cloud, like now, she can’t help but feel down.

Nothing ever gets Dash down. Nothing. But ever since Anon started talking about finding somepony to date, and said that really confusing thing about dating HIM. She has felt...tight. Like a Minotaur was stepping on her bare chest. It’s not like this was the first time she felt weird when it came to anon.

The first time was in Saddle Arabia. When Anon came on their adventure together around 6 months ago. They had to face against the villainous Brass Bull and his stone army. At that point, he had already begun storming across Saddle Arabia and would storm into Equestria if Rainbow and the girls didn’t try to stop him.

When they had confronted the brass bull, he fought them. He was stronger than any other opponent they faced and easily tossed even AJ aside and sent Rainbow plummeting into the sry sand. It seemed hopeless. The hot sand near the burning sun. The red hot metal of the brass bull, he burnt anything that touched him or he touched. When rainbow flew above him he had jumped and grabbed her leg throwing her to the ground. Her fur was almost burnt off and her leg muscles were in the worst shape. As she tumbled in the sand she heard a terrifying sound. The Brass Bull’s roar, and the trampling that neared got closer with every step. Before she could scramble away she saw something she would never forget.

Anon had jumped in and grabbed the bull by the horns, slowing his charge. He gasped out in pain as one of the horns broke from his hand and dug into his side. Anon wouldn’t give ground and halted the bull then and there. Just in time for the girls to rally behind him. He stood there in pain but refused to let the brass bull move. The bull struggled to move but anon kept it there somehow. Just in time for the girls to blast it and save Equestria.

It was lucky that Twilight knew healing magic, Anon could have...

Her head swipes off that recollection. She doesn’t like that thought. Ever since then she kept feeling weird about Anon. He showed a different side, one that was cool and awesome. Ever since then she kept thinking about how cool and awesome he really is. He can be pretty sappy sometimes but she feels light and energized when she thinks about some of the cool things he’s done. The whole love thing and whatnot is the worst of it. The thought of him dating another...

WAIT. RAINBOW DASH DOES NOT GET JEALOUS. THIS ISN’T JEALOUSY. Relationships are just weird to her, that’s all. She would act the same to any of her friends dating someone. She’s...just... protective is all.

There is no way she would be jealous of Anon, or have any sort of feelings. Feelings and Jealousy are for Lame-os and Eggheads.

She’s just protective.

“Better make sure no one gets too...uh... touchy at the Singles party with anon.” She said, “Yeah! Just helping a friend out.”

Yeah. “Help.”

Author's Note

Hey All, second chapter is out.
Im jumping into this head first so if Dash isn't written up to your liking, please go ahead and help a guy out.

Now in this universe the Mane Six has gone on more adventures than specified in the show.
The Brass Bull was a minotaur mage who could control metal, he wanted to control Equestria and created a stone army.
Twilight and friends managed to defeat him under the hot Saddle Arabian sun. Though it caused some burn wounds and..anon to bleed out. almost. They won though!
Anonymous refused to be awarded for his glory, he was already enough of a celebrity for being the only human. It's a good story to tell at balls though.

Thanks.for reading. Let me know what you think. :yay:

Quick Explanation on the Hiatus

Hey there guys, Scapegoat here. Short chapter that’s not really a chapter just going to explain again.

I lost a lot of interest in this book a while back, and I couldn’t really come up with the ideas that I really wanted to focus on for this series so I just kinda let it die.

Somehow someway my interest got peaked again after a while, and honestly? After re-reading all this stuff I’ve realized it’s not the best it could be. So I’m going to begin rewriting what I have now before I continue. I just wanted to go over with you all just exactly what I have planned.

The Singles Party Arc: I honestly might scrap this, it was supposed to be a whole silly thing with unique ponies that were meant to be funny but I couldn’t come up with a SINGLE idea for a silly pony. I think there’s some route similar to this that I’ll go down, but the main idea is to explore what wacky ponies would date outside their race, as well as Dash’s increasing jealousy, and the inability to confront weakness/her feelings.

The Brass Bull: I’m gonna explore this way way way way more. I love action and stuff so I think this unique enemy who’s on the level of Discord and Chrysalis would be super fun, as well as a fun way to dissect Anon’s relationship with each of the Mane Six and more importantly how Rainbow Dash fell hard for Anonymous. However it also means Anon is gonna get some heavy duty burn scars. Gotta do some research on that.

Timeline: Honestly might push it back to the beginning of season 4. I always loved how it progressed but since it’s been a while I think sticking to pre-castle/glimmer is just my best option.

Over-arching plot: This was gonna be a sweet little story, but I’m genuinely not sure where it will lead. At my heart I love action and tense drama, but at the same time I would save that for a different novel, one with more romance that isn’t based off of this silly prompt I made up. Just wanted to keep everyone updated.

Thanks for the support guys, I’ll come up with a re-write for chapter one really soon. I promise.