How to Lose a Stallion in Ten Days
“I’m telling you, Phalanx, you’ve got to stop that.”
“And as I’ve told you for the hundredth time, I don’t know what I’m doing.”
Phalanx sighed. Being a Royal Guard was hard enough work as it was. Being paired with Sergeant Mortar was just another part of the job.
One that seemed to be cropping up alarmingly frequently.
“Look Lieutenant, you’ve got to stop all...” the Sergeant paused. “All of this!” He said, flailing his forelegs in the process.
“You gesturing to all of me isn’t really helpful when trying to describe what I need to fix.” Phalanx responded coolly.
“Well that’s what you need to stop! You’re just too good looking! Half the time in training the Captain of the Guard looked like he was about to jump on you and ride you off into the sunset!”
“I’m not sure how that’s my problem.” He huffed. “Sounds like a more personal issue to me.”
“Last week one of the new recruits kept asking for your address.”
“He probably just wanted some extra training.”
“I’m sure he did, but not the kind you’re thinking of.”
“Sergeant!”
Mortar laughed. Riling up the young Lieutenant was always a good diversion on guard duty. It was made better by the fact that it was always so easy. Then something began to occur to him.
“Hmmm...”
“Oh what now?”
“Well, you know, I’m being kinda serious here.”
“That can’t be a good thing.”
“Come on, bear with me for a second. You’re the best damn-lookin’ stallion in the whole Guard. I bet you could get anypony in any unit to fall in love with you in just one date.”
“I don’t know why in the name of Celestia I’d want to do that.”
“C’mon! It’s the Royal Guard! Nearly all the females are in the Night Watch, so we have to rely on each other sometimes!”
“I didn’t realize we were suddenly in the Equestrian Navy.”
“Oh knock it off. You got looks kid, and you never do anything with ‘em. At least try it out.”
“And exactly what would I stand to gain from this little experiment?”
“True love?”
“Oh c’mon. True love isn’t much of a reward.”
“Sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the world-except for a nice DLT - daisy, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the daisy is nice and tender, and the tomato is ripe and juicy...”
“No sell. True love isn’t something that happens every day anyway.”
“Fine. Tell you what. If you can go on one date without somepony falling hopelessly in love with you, I’ll let you take an entire week off for the Summer Sun Celebration in a month.”
“Two weeks.”
“One week!”
“Three weeks.”
“Now you’re just being greedy.”
“Four weeks.”
“Fine, fine, take your two weeks. You still have to find that date.”
“And what if I actually can’t make somepony fall in love with me in one date?”
“Then you’ve proved your point, and you aren’t secretly an Incubus escaped from Tartarus trying to get nice stallions like
myself to fall for you so you can feast on us.”
“And if I can?”
“Then maybe true love isn’t such a bad thing after all.”
“You’re on then. Hoofshake on it?”
“Deal.”
The two guards clasped hooves, and then resumed their posts. Phalanx smirked to himself.
“If I play my cards just right,” he thought, “I can make this date go by without any problems, and get two weeks off in the process.”
“Heh, best bet ever.”
______________________________________________________________________________
Meanwhile, in the Royal Kitchens, or more specifically in front of the Royal Kitchens, two guards were sullenly guarding the entrance to said kitchens, where a cake was being prepared for the wedding of some aristocrat.
“Why are we doing this again...?”
Legion just stood still. This was only his third assignment as an official guard, and he wasn’t going to mess it up.
“Legion... I’m bored... let’s play a game or something.”
“Echo, we can’t. We’re supposed to be guarding the kitchens.”
The Night Guard Echo scowled at her companion, then jumped in the air to hover around him.
“C’mon... this is suuuuuper boring. Who’s gonna try to steal a cake from the Canterlot Castle kitchens anyway?”
“We don’t know Echo, and that’s why we’re here guarding them.”
Echo harrumphed, then flipped herself upside down to continue glaring at her companion.
“Making funny faces aren’t going to change my mind either, Lieutenant Echo.”
“Oh, get off your high horse.” She said, doing an aerial flip to take ranks next to him. “You haven’t been in the guard any longer that I have.”
“Maybe not, but I certainly know how to act when on duty.”
“Oh, you’re no fun anymore.”
“I wasn’t ever fun.”
“That’s a lie. You and Phalanx were always having a great time in training.”
“T-that was training. This is different.”
“C’mooooon. You always looked like you were having the time of your life during training. You and Phalanx were always having fun doing something or another. I never saw the two of you apart!”
Legion shifted his hooves nervously. This conversation wasn’t taking a direction he was entirely sure he could handle.
“Well... we’ve been friends for a long time.”
“Is that really all? You always had the biggest dopey smile on your face.”
Legion was sweating a bit now. This was not the way he wanted this conversation to go.
“And you’ve never looked quite as happy since you got assigned to a different unit...”
The young guard was getting nearly frantic now. This wasn’t something he wanted to let Echo hold over his head forever.
“Echo, we should really get back to our post.”
“Hush. We aren’t doing anything anyway.”
“Echo, really. There’s no reason to continue this conversation.”
“Why not? No one’s come by in three hours, and we still have three more to go on this shift. Why do you want to stop talking about Phalanx so badly?”
“I-I never said that!”
Echo tapped her hoof to her chin. The gears were starting to click into place.
“Oooooooh.”
“Crap.” Legion thought to himself.
“You like him don’t you? No, more than that. You’ve always liked him.”
“I-I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about.”
“Oh but you sooooo do. You’ve always had a crush on him, but that handsome dope is too dense to notice anyone’s feelings. Half the guard had a crush on him in training.”
“I-it’s not like t-that!”
“Yeah it is. You wouldn’t be flustered and blushing furiously if ‘I-it’s not like that!’” she mimed, going up several octaves in the process.
“Echo stop, you’re going to-“
“What, make you angry? Let me guess, ‘You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry!’”
She paused for a second. “The only thing I don’t get is why you just don’t tell him if you’re so obviously crushing on him. I’m sure it’d work out.”
“It wouldn’t. I don’t like him.”
“Liar.” She smiled. “I know you like him, I just didn’t know you loved him.”
Legion sighed. At this point there wasn’t much sense avoiding it.
“It doesn’t matter. Like you said, he’s impossibly dense when it comes to love. I’d have to all but hit him over the head with it. I don’t think he’d really like me anyway.”
Echo was a bit taken back. She wasn’t expecting to get a confession out of him so easily. She certainly wasn’t expecting him to sound so defeated.
Luckily, she recovered quickly.
“Hmmm. What if you went on juuuuuuuust one date?”
“What?”
“Come on. You’re a pretty fine looking stallion yourself. And you’re a pretty sweet guy to boot. I bet you can get him to fall for you in just one date.”
“I don’t think so Echo...”
“Well, then how ‘bout we make a little game out of it?”
“A... game?”
“If you can go on a date with Phalanx, and he doesn’t fall for you, then I’ll give you my next assignment in Las Pegasus.”
“And what if he does fall for me?”
“Then I think that’s its own reward.”
“But what if he doesn’t want to go out anyway?”
“I’m sure he’ll be open to the idea of just one date. Just ask him. He could stand to unwind a bit as it is. He’s almost as uptight as you are.”
“I don’t know Echo...”
“Do it or I’ll ask him out.”
“You wouldn’t dare.”
“Try me.”
Legion braced himself. “All right. I’ll ask him when this rotation is over. We get off at the same time.”
“Atta boy!” She shouted, slapping him on the back.
“Celestia help me...” He muttered under his breath.
Echo, even with her better hearing, couldn’t hear him over her own happy humming.
______________________________________________________________________
Legion shuffled back to the Guards Quarters. In a bit of a daze, he didn’t even notice walking into Phalanx.
“O-oops. Sorry Legion, I didn’t see you there.”
“O-oh. No trouble. I wasn’t really watching where I was going anyway.”
“Um. L-listen, I have a favor I need to ask you...”
“Oh good, I have something to ask you as well...”
“Oh? Well you go first.”
“Oh no, I’m sure whatever you have is more important.”
“No, it can wait. What did you need?”
“Oh really... it’s nothing, you go ahead.”
“Really, I insist. Go ahead and-“
“WillyoupleasegooutwithmetomorrownightPhalanxplease?”
Phalanx was a bit taken aback by the sudden rush of words. “Oh, you must have already heard then. Damn. Word travels
fast here. Alright. We’ll plan on say... five or so? You don’t have a shift tomorrow, right?”
“Um... nope.”
“Alright!” He said, pounding his friend on the back. “Sounds like a plan then! Glad you’re on board!”
“O-on board?”
“Yep! See you tomorrow!” He said with a wink.
Phalanx trotted out the door.
“What just happened?” Legion thought out loud.
A certain Night Guard toppled from the ceiling. “You got a date, stud!”
“GAH! Echo! How long have you been there?!”
“Long enough to know that somepony has a hot date tomorrow night!”
“Yeah... I didn’t think it would be quite that easy...” He thought.
Echo pounded him on the back again. “Well, gotta run! I got me some hiding places to find! See ya ‘round!
Legion stared blankly for a bit, then slowly made his way, barely noticing anything on the way out of the castle.
“I wish ponies would stop hitting me... it’s kinda starting to make my back sore.”
______________________________________________________________________
The next day came and went, as days usually do.
Legion hadn’t blinked much since the previous night, and had largely spent most of the day staring at the wall in an
existential manner. So much so that he didn’t even notice the door being pounded on.
“Legion! Heeeeey! Ready for our ‘date’?”
Thoughts raced through Legion’s mind, trying to put two and two together. Yes. There was certainly somepony knocking at the door. Somepony. Door. Phalanx. Oh yeah. Date. With Phalanx. Him and Phalanx. On a date. Together. Was that tonight? Yes. We planned it yesterday. Did he have everything? Wait. What did he need? Nothing right? Simple date. With Phalanx. But di-
“Hey Legion! You in there?”
"Four. Two and two was four. Oh yeah. Door."
Legion opened the door to find a non-armored blue Pegasus floating slightly off the ground. He had a small bouquet of roses in one hoof.
“Oh yeah. I brought these for you. I wanted to do this properly and all. I’m pretty sure you liked white roses? I seem to remember you mentioning them one time.”
Legion gulped. It wasn’t fair. How was he so absolutely charming and so infuriatingly dense at the same time? It was enough to make you scream.
“Well... you ready to go? I thought we’d have dinner at Devils Food’s restaurant.”
“How’d you get a reservation there? Devils Food’s place is always packed.”
Devils Food was one of the primer chefs of Canterlot, best known for two things: Amazing cake, and a temper said to match that of Nightmare Moon’s.
“Remember my cousin Mocha Mousse?”
“He’s hard to forget. As I recall, he made it his goal to hit on every cute guy at flight camp.”
“He is a bit flirty.”
“A bit.”
“Well, he was able to scum the list a bit. I thought we might as well have some fun on this, right?”
“R-right. Just... let me quickly get a vase for these.”
Legion levitated the roses over to a vase he had in the kitchen, filling it with water.
He shakily levitated it over to the center table.
Phalanx watched all this with a slightly strained smile. He noticed the magic aura around the vase fluctuating. Legion had always had a very good grip on his magic. In fact... the only time he had had trouble with it was when he was... nervous.
Somewhere, far in the back of a very dim stallion’s head, a dusty cog shifted a few prongs to the left.
“W-well, let’s go!” Legion said, a bit louder than really was needed.
“Oh. Um. Yeah. Let’s go!”
They trotted off in the direction of the restaurant. In icy silence. Phalanx tried to break the conversation first.
“So... how was your day?”
“Um, pretty good. Mostly uneventful. I was looking forward to tonight though!”
-kachunk-
“Oh good, I was hoping it wouldn’t be a total bore.”
“Of course not! I always love spending time with you.”
-kachunk-
“Oh, thanks! It’s always good spending time with my best friend after all.”
“Ow. Friendzoned” Legion thought to himself.
“How was your shift with Echo last night?”
“A bit frustrating. You know how Echo is. Didn’t want to stay on task at all.”
“I can believe it. If she wasn’t so clever, I doubt the Night Guard would have taken her.”
“Well, she is a good guard... just... easily distracted. Honestly, I really miss doing training patrols with you.”
-kachunk kachunk-
“Yeah, those were always fun... oh look. We’re here!”
A large black sign with red lettering detailing the evening’s specials was to the right of a larger sign.
“Devils Food Fine Cuisine and Bar” under that reading “Open: Lunch. 11-2. Dinner service from 5-11.” Five bright stars lit up the edges of the sign.
“It’s just now five isn’t it?”
“Yep. Looks like we’re just in time.”
A unicorn walked out from the front door. “Good evening good sirs. Do you have a reservation thi-“
A loud crash was heard from the back of the building, making the two guards jump. A very agitated pony ran through the front door.
“FINE! IF YOU CAN’T RESPECT MY COOKING, THEN I QUIT! I DON’T NEED THIS JOB ANYWAY!”
He then ran off bawling into the distance.
“Um...”
There was a pause as the unicorn adjusted himself slightly.
“Sorry for that my good sirs, it seems we’ll be in need of a new saucier. As I was saying, did you have a reservation this evening...?”
Phalanx recovered a bit. “Oh. Yes. It was under Phalanx?”
“Ah yes. Table for two. The outside gazebo. I, Dinner Fare, will be your server tonight.”
______________________________________________________________________
Outback of the restaurant, two snickering royal guards ran into each other behind a bush.
“Lieutenant Echo?”
“Sergeant Mortar?”
“What are you doing here?” They said at the same time.
“I set a bet with Phalanx on a date to see if he could avoid somepony falling in love with him.”
“I set a bet with Legion to see if he could get Phalanx to fall for him.”
“Wait, Legion likes Phalanx?”
“Apparently he’s been crushing on him for years now.”
They both looked at each other and grinned.
“Oh this is so perfect. If they hit it off, I don’t have to give Phalanx time off.”
“And more importantly, I won’t have to give up my next leisure trip.”
“Do you think it can work out?”
“I have a feeling it just might...”
_____________________________________________________________________
Dinner Fare led the two diners around the back of the building to a small outdoor area.
“Do have a seat. I shall be right back with the drink me-.”
“FARE!”
“Oh dear.”
A light brown stallion ran out, levitating several knives and a large boiling pot as he ran.
“WHERE DID THAT NO GOOD TRAINEE GO? THIS SAUSE IS COMPLETELY RUINED!”
The stallion was in a bit of a tizzy, and dropped the now smoking pot to the ground and sent the knives flying at a nearby tree.
“Mister Mousse, please calm yourself.”
“I WILL AS- ahem. Yes. Excuse me. Where did you say he went?”
“He ran out the door yelling something about quitting.”
“Oh.”
“Where is Mister Food tonight?”
“He has the week off, remember? Something about ‘recovering from stress’ or something?”
“Ah yes. Do you need help in the kitch-“
“No, no. It’s fine. I brought some extra staff just in case. He’s been on edge for a while now, but I have to completely redo thi- OH!”
Mocha Mousse ran over to the table where the two guards were seated.
“Good to see you two tonight! Glad you were able to get in!” He winked at the two of them. “Dinner Fare will be getting the drink menu, and I’ll be cooking your meal tonight!”
Phalanx smiled at his cousin. “Thanks Mocha. Always glad to have your cooking.”
“Yes... thank you.”
Mocha looked quizzically at the slightly flushed unicorn, then back to Phalanx. He repeated this several times, and then a bright look dawned on his face.
“Alright then!” He pulled the knives out of the tree and scooped up the pot. “We’ll be right back with your drinks and bread!”
“Sir, they didn’t order any-“
“Mocha, we didn’t order any-“
He waved them both off. “No no, I insist. House special tonight. Both of you. Now come Fare! We have dinner to make.”
Dinner Fare looked about to protest, but Mocha dragged him off before he could get a word in.
Phalanx and Legion sat flabbergasted.
“Is your cousin always so...?”
“Pretty much ever since I’ve known him.”
“Ah.”
There was a pregnant pause.
“I hope this isn’t too much trouble, Legion.”
“What? No trouble at all. I’m really glad to be out with you. It’s something I’ve always wanted.”
-kachunk kachunk kachunk-
The gears started turning a bit faster now.
“Oh... I’m glad. It’s nice to be out with you too.”
Two mugs of cider and a loaf of bread floated out to the table.
______________________________________________________________________
In the kitchen, things were a bit out of hoof.
“Sir, can you just let me serve them...?”
“Not tonight. I’m not messing this up for them. Phalanx is so impossibly dense. If ponies keep interrupting him, his whole brain will probably shut down.”
“Very well, sir. At least let me help you with the entrées.”
“I’d appreciiiiiiiiate it~ WHY ARE THOSE TOMATOES NOT CHOPPED YET?!”
______________________________________________________________________
Outside, you could almost smell the smoke coming from the sound of a machine that hadn’t been used in years. Snickering could be heard behind the bushes.
Phalanx nervously looked back at his friend. “So... um, did you hear about my bet with the Sergeant yesterday?”
Legion puzzled for a second. “Sergeant Mortar? No I didn’t. What was it?”
-whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-
“Oh. Nothing major. Just a silly little bet about something. I forget what it was even at this point.”
Then something further began to move. “Wait. If he didn’t hear about the bet I made then that means he asked me out and actually wanted to go out and now we’re on a date and that’s why he was so nervous because he actually likes me and he was actually really nervous about coming and oh Celestia I’m on a date with me best friend who actually likes me likes me instead of just likes me likes me.”
Phalanx was getting a bit flushed now.
“Um. Phalanx? You alright?”
“C-couldn’t be better! Um, is it hot out here today? It suuuuure seems hot out today.”
“A little warm I suppose, it is almost the middle of summer.”
Two ponies were now shaking with laughter while another two were busy in the kitchen. Another two were trying very hard not to look directly at each other.
Salad floated out to the table. No food had been touched yet.
“Listen Phalanx, are... you feeling alright? You seem a bit out of sorts all of a sudden.”
“No, totally fine! Whatever gave you that impression?”
“Well, you are sitting in a pool of sweat.”
“Oh.”
The main course, a pasta dish, floated out onto the table, setting itself on top of the uneaten salad. Echo and Mortar were covering each other’s mouths to keep from laughing.
“Are you sure you’re alright? You seem really nervous.”
“No really, I’m completely fine. Nothing at all wrong at all.”
Dessert began floating its way out.
“Listen Phalanx, there’s something I’ve always wanted to tell you.”
The machine was buzzing full force now, and a light clicked on.
Somewhere outside the city of Canterlot, a cream pony with a brown mane facehoofed over the cliché. He then ran into an invisible wall.
Legion felt vaguely interrupted, but continued anyway.
“Phalanx, I...”
Dessert stopped in its tracks and clattered to the floor. The laughter from behind the bushes had stopped. A cream colored pony was shaking his head.
Phalanx leaped over the table and jumped onto his unsuspecting date.
“You... what?”
~~“Um, I was wondering if you’d like to finish that salad.”~~
~~“Oh okay”~~
~~Then nothing sexual happened and they lived in awkward bromance for the rest of their life the end.~~
Dinner Fare began refilling the cider mugs.
“Phalanx, I wish I had never met you.”
“What?”
“You never noticed me, but I’ve always really liked you. You are just so impossibly dense. You never noticed anything!”
“Well- you never said anything!”
“I shouldn’t have to! Love is a two-way street!”
“Who said anything about LOVE?!”
“I DID, BECAUSE I-!”
Legion never got to finish that sentence. Phalanx interrupted him with very passionate kiss on the muzzle.
It went on for what could have been forever, and no one would have minded if it actually had.
Meanwhile, there was cider spilling everywhere from unchecked mugs. Four ponies were having their dinner burned, and two had not yet been seated. Echo and Mortar took a break from their laughter to smile a bit at the spectacle.
Finally, they broke apart.
“So... does this mean we’re going out?”
“No. I don’t handle commitment well.”
“Then why did you join the Royal Guard?”
“It pays well.”
“I hate you Phalanx.”
“I love you too Legion.”
“Ew. Gay.”
“Yes, you are.”
There was a pause.
“I guess that means I have to work here next week.”
“What?”
“Never mind.”
“Huh. Well, I don’t get any time of now.”
“Say something?”
“Nope.”
“Well, at least we have each other.”
“Yep. From now, until forever.”