What's In A Name?

by dawnbreez

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Profanity, Cheerilee, Random
Length: 1237

Research is a very important step in naming your child.

Cheerilee has a difficult job. Ponies often believe that children are perfectly innocent. They are, most of the time, perfectly wrong about this. Small fillies are remarkably inventive, and will often stop at nothing to do exactly the opposite of what parents ask them to do. As a result, Cheerilee has become something of an expert in things that most parents assume are simply not a problem when dealing with schoolchildren.

Today, Cheerilee has just met the first perfectly innocent filly she has ever seen. The thing is, her name is the exact opposite of innocent.

This story contains dirty words, particularly with regard to sexual content of a kind that would get FiMFiction kicked off Patreon. Viewer discretion is advised.

Blame FOME for this.

Published 2021-06-11 05:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-06-11 05:00:00 UTC

Should've Called Her 'Deeply Concerned'

Ms. Cheerilee stared quietly at her class roster. There was, er, something wrong with one of the names on there. Something very, very wrong.

This has to be some kind of joke, Cheerilee thought. In poor taste. In abysmal taste.

She cleared her throat, and began roll-call. There was the Usual Suspects, sitting in the back row, muttering about their next big plan. Then there were the other two Usual Suspects, who were already snickering at the thought of ruining said plans. Then there were the third pair of usual suspects, who had at least been nice and quiet ever since the Ursa Minor incident, but had a tendency to get involved in any bad idea the other two had. Then there was Twist. Thank the Sun for Twist, the only filly in the whole class who could be quiet and studious and not wreck the whole town within a week.

She went further and further down the list, and then...well, it was unavoidable, really.

"Miss, er, Miss Toybreak?"

The little filly sitting in the front row smiled. "It's okay, Miss Cheerilee! You can call me Jailbait!"

"Do you know why I asked you to come here today?" Cheerilee said, as little Toybreak's parents filed into the conference room. For lack of a better term. Truth be told, it was just the classroom, but without any students in it. Ponyville's schoolhouse didn't exactly have any other rooms. Cheerilee had been trying to file for a budget increase and a real office for years, now, but--well, that's another story.

"Something about our daughter's name?" asked the mother, a missus Neverwill Toybreak. "I don't understand what the issue is."

"She wasn't misbehaving, was she?" asked the father, one Stick Switch.

"No, your daughter has been perfectly obedient," Cheerilee said quickly, smiling nervously.

"Oh, good. We're very proud of her, you know. She used to be such a wild child," Mr. Switch explained, "but we've been very thorough in disciplining her--"

"Anyway!" Cheerilee yelped. "This isn't about anything your daughter did in class, or anything. I just--well, I--look, her name raises...questions," Cheerilee said.

"Oh! I suppose the other kids are jealous?" asked Mrs. Toybreak.

"Wh-what--"

"Well, the Toybreak line has been famous for decades," continued Mrs. Toybreak, unfazed. "They've had their names on some of the most durable and long-lasting toys in the toymaking business!"

Cheerilee had to very quietly shut down a particularly unfortunate image that had popped into her head at the mention of 'toys'.

"Why, with the Toybreak brand, you can bet your bottom dollar that your playthings will last as long as the memories you make with them!"

"I understand, but it's not her last name that I'm worried about," Cheerilee diverted, smiling a little wider.

"Oh, you noticed her first name?" Mr. Switch said, grinning.

"Yes. Yes I did. I must ask, why did you think it was a good idea to name your daughter--"

"After the two best businessponies I know?"

"what?" Cheerilee squeaked.

"I know most ponies don't want to spend much time in a jailcell--"

Cheerilee's eyes widened. This is it. This is how my career ends. With a pony telling me all about their filly sex trafficking ring--

"But if they have, they'll agree that Jail Cell the Fourth makes the finest cells yet!"

excuse me?

"My brother--the girl's uncle--he's the expert of experts on building comfortable-yet-utilitarian secure facilities. His great-great-great-grandfather invented the term 'jailcell'!" Mr. Switch beamed, a single tear running down his cheek. "Truly, each bar is a work of art. I only hope that living in such a facility for a month or two is enough to turn a pony's life around."

"Um," Cheerilee said. "Um," she added. "But her name isn't Jail Cell," she finally explained.

"Of course. I did say she was named after two great businessponies. Her aunt Bait Switch is one of the best fishermares I know, and the most successful small-business-mare I've had the pleasure of meeting!"

You live in the same town as Rarity, Cheerilee thought, because that was the least confusing and least concerning objection she could think of, and dealing with the emotional whiplash was tiring her faster than Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo ever could.

"So, that's why her name is--"

"Jailbait Toybreak," said both parents simultaneously.

"I...see," Cheerilee muttered. "Did you, er, think about what that means?"

"Didn't I just spend the last several paragraphs explaining it to you?" Mr. Switch said. "Honestly, miss Cheerilee, you're a teacher. I expect you to have some reading comprehension."

"Well, but--"

"I'm sure whoever complained about it is just jealous," Mrs. Toybreak added with a sly grin.

"Jealous of our little Jailbait," Mr. Switch finished with a chuckle.

"She's just such a happy little innocent filly! You can't not fall in love with her."

"And so spirited, too!"

"That's enough," Cheerilee snapped, and both parents reeled back in shock, folding their ears and staring wide-eyed. "This has to be some kind of sick joke," Cheerilee muttered. "You're doing this on purpose."

"Doing what?" Mr. Switch said, frowning. "You still haven't told us what's wrong!"

Cheerilee stared at him, and something clicked. "You...don't know, do you?"

"Don't know what? Don't know what, exactly?" he replied.

"I don't see why you have to be so patronizing about it," Mr. Switch muttered as he followed Cheerilee into the library, with Mrs. Toybreak in tow.

Cheerilee had one very specific book, custom-ordered and shipped from Manehattan, for just such an occasion. It was, at this moment, sitting on a locked shelf in the back of Twilight's library; Cheerilee had one of the keys, along with Twilight's most serious lecture ever burned into her memory. This section was meant to contain vile spellbooks, terrible curses, and other such hazardous literature. That was the very reason Cheerilee chose this part of Twilight's library to store such an important and terrible tome.

"Not knowing the meaning of words is a serious issue," Cheerilee muttered, as she searched the spines of the forbidden textbooks for the one grimoire she needed most. For a split second, she feared that it had been lost, but then she saw it tucked behind a copy of A Thousand And One Asynchronized Nights.

The key twisted in the lock, and Cheerilee swiftly yanked the thick hardcover out of its place of exile, shutting the bookcase and locking it again before any of the more lively texts could jump off the shelf. There, on the front cover, were emblazoned the words URBANLY DICTIONARIE.

"I had this book printed by a specialist in these sorts of things."

"Is that why it's misspelled?"

"shut up. This book contains important knowledge about some very specific words. Words which don't come up in polite society."

Cheerilee quietly opened the book. She flipped through the pages until she got to one that had a J on it, then proceeded just a bit more slowly, until her target came up.

Quietly, both Mr. Switch and Mrs. Toybreak read the entry which was headed with "JAILBAIT".

They both looked quite pale.

"Well, I never--"

"what in Sun's name--"

"who would say--who would DO--"

Mrs. Toybreak was the first to faint, followed shortly by Mr. Switch. Cheerilee sighed, rolling her eyes. At least now all they had to do was find a way to explain to their daughter why her name's about to change...