Revenge of the Nerds but worse somehow
"How do you feel about sex?"
"I feel they're an inevitable part of any organized religion, and what's important isn't stifling them, but making sure they happen bloodlessly."
"No, I mean rod in hole."
"Oh, yeah. Fucking's cool. Why do you ask?"
Luann scratched the back of her head nervously, looking across the dorm at her roommate on the other bed, fiddling with an early Equestrian prototype of the cell phone, practically spilling gems out the back to harness all the power it needed. Dropping it on your face could actually slice it open, a fact that seemed lost on her roommate as they held it high above their head in a magical aura of brilliant gold thaums and tapped away at it with her hooves.
"I just, we've been in college for a few years now, and it seems so mild mannered. I was expecting, like, Heathers-grade parties and fucking, and so far the most exciting thing I've ever seen at this school was that time the god of death tore open a portal into the hallway and began funneling souls through it until he was stopped by the elements of harmony's new bearers. I've never even seen a keg."
Her roommate sighed. "Luann, what does the arch leading into campus say under 'COLLEGE OF FRIENDSHIP'?"
"'Please don't ask us why we decided it was a good idea to open a college right next to the last school we built and run both, it was a friendship-related decision and also we needed a school setting that wasn't creepy for this fic'?"
"No, under that. 'Never be afraid to try anything'. It probably meant, like, making new friends and stuff, but in this case if you want to do something cool and immature just do it. You watch so many chick flicks, I'm sure you're the expert at what happens in colleges."
Luann digested that for a second. "Yeah, you know what? You're right. I'm not leaving college until I've done something cool from one of those preppy 2000s teen movies. The ones about high school included."
"That's the spirit, just don't murder anyone." Her roommate didn't look up from her phone once as she talked. Well, down from her phone. "Did you want to fuck right now, or what?"
"Don't completely dismiss that idea, but no. I want something more exciting. What else did they do in those movies? Hold a house party?"
"We don't have a house."
"Spy on someone in their house through cameras?"
"Illegal. And creepy. And nobody has a house."
"Yeah, I wasn't into that one either. Food fight?"
"We're talking, like, college. Not elementary school."
"Panty raid!"
"Also creepy. Celestia, old 80s college movies were creepy."
Luann kept leaning into it. "Okay, but not actually panties. Nobody wears those. Just, like, something they need that would be really inconvenient to lose. Bug spray or something. Then we'll be like, 'hoho, we've stealthily jacked your Off!' Wait, no, don't say that. But you get the idea."
The unicorn across the room sighed, rolling her eyes. "Well, if your idea of wacky college hijinks is stealing bug spray, I say go for it. Just, like, pick someone who's into those kinds of jokes. And don't get caught by campus secret police."
"Perfect! Oh, I'm gonna have the greatest college experience of my life. Then we'll bang, okay?"
"K."
Luann cackled evilly to herself, taking a few seconds to try out a couple of different tones before realizing she had been sitting on the windowsill for seven minutes and finally deciding to just open it.
It hadn't been a hard operation so far. Shrinking potions were the easiest way to go about this, and they were dealt frequently enough that she honestly wasn't sure if they were illegal or if the dealers just liked the image of the shady potion brewer. Either way, it had only cost a few bits, although the majority of the cost was spent in pride as Luann had to awkwardly explain that this was not a macro/micro fetish of hers, and she just needed it for panty reasons. No, not like that-
Either way, it was over and done. Luann slipped under the window, now around the size of a walnut, and squinted in the darkness at the dorm she had entered.
The form under the bed across from her stretched in its sleep, pushing a bright pink and long wing out from the covers.
This wasn't right. The dorm she had been looking to enter belonged to one of her old flames, a dick who she hadn't seen recently but could still remember was very much not a pegasus-
Ooh, right, his soul was devoured by the god of death and he's still trying to leave that dimension. They must have given his dorm to someone else in the meantime. Whoops.
Still, it wasn't like everyone didn't have their dirty secrets. Let's take a look at this guy, so she could confront them the next day and gloat.
Luann fluttered off the window sill onto the blanket covering the only occupied bed, smashing headfirst into the fabric and scrambling to pull herself on top of one of the lumps the occupant's body made under it. Said occupant was either furred or feathered, it was really vague and hard to tell, the same bright pink as her wing. Wavy ice blue hair messily hung down from her head, accentuated by little ears? Luann wasn't sure what they were, but they were definitely feathered. The occupant was beaked, a beak sharpened to a point that she occasionally licked at in her sleep.
Fuck, I got an Element. Luann thought with annoyance. She's gotta be Silverstream.
Whatever! That didn't exempt her. Luann bet she had all sorts of weird things in her room, like human dakimakuras with fully clothed women on them, or a stuffed animal- actually, stuffed animals were dope, but still.
It was time to get her college pranking on.
Twelve minutes later, and still no hijinks. Luann had searched her entire room; the bookshelves were filled with embarrassing manga, but most of them were ones Luann also read (pseudo-Neo-ironically), so she politely passed them by. She didn't own a computer, or phone, or even a TV, which made a little sense considering she had grown up underwater. And Luann was not a big enough dick to steal toilet paper.
She groaned, fluttering down to a table next to a half eaten sandwich on a plate, and stomped on the lightswitch of a desk lamp towering above her. Her alighting and lighting drew attention to something she hadn't noticed before
A small beaded necklace, the crown jewel on it a hippogriff claw-sized shard of shining crystal.
Fuck yes! Impossible to miss, not devastating when missing because she's already in land form and shouldn't need to fish up anytime soon, and easy to lift with these tiny useless hooves! It's the perfect prank.
This is a lot more boring than I expected. I should've just screwed my roomie and called it a day.
Nevertheless, she lifted the necklace high over her head triumphantly and immediately fumbled with it and dropped it off the table, clacking loudly as it bounced off the edge.
Across the room, Silverstream's sensitive eagle ears (?) twitched. Then, her wing threw off the cover.
oh shit oh shit oh celestia oh fuck I snuck into a student's bedroom to rob them this isnt wacky those movies fucking lied to me oh no
The reality pummeled her mercilessly as she dived for the sandwich, prying apart the slices of bread stuck together by strings of gel and worming her way between them.
In hindsight, this was a shitty idea. She could barely move now, and had to use what little momentum she could hanging her muzzle out of the side of the sandwich and panting like a dog on a porch to escape the horrid smell. Combined with the soggy bread above her and the gooey- meat, oh Celestia, this was fish, she's sitting on fish. Fuck.
Silverstream yawned, sitting up and glancing at the end table, where her desk lamp had suddenly turned on. Dragging herself over groggily, she flipped it off, and looked over the rest of the table. Lamp, homework, necklace on ground, sandwich with tiny muzzle hanging out of it- Oh hell!
She forgot to finish her sandwich.
Luann's mind invented seven new kinds of curse, most of which were portmanteaus as the sandwich was lifted, and she came face to face with the giant beak widening-
"Well, shame. I'm not hungry." Silverstream shrugged, tossing the sandwich down.
Luann was weightless, suddenly rolling over as the bread roofing her came loose, coating her in more fishy fluids and eliciting a harshly suppressed cough. She listened for the footfalls carrying the hippogriff back to bed- at the very least, now she could leave-
"Well, it's still fish. I'd hate to let it go bad." Luann's sanctuary was yoinked up again, jostling her forward until her head and forelegs were hanging out the side opposite Silverstream.
"Wait, I'm eating it raw anyway. I'm a horsebird. What do I care?" jettisoned back to the table.
Luann waited stiffly, finally hearing claws clacking away and breathing a sigh of relief, turning her attention back to the matter coating her entirely, seeping into her fur and sticking clumps together.
Then, the most terrifying sound she had ever heard in the middle of the night, even moreso than that one time the element of kindness broke into her room in the middle of the night in feral batpony form and raided her fridge.
Silverstream rushed back and stuffed it into her mouth, humming in pleasure around it as she licked her claws. The last thing Luann saw before being plunged into darkness was the horrifying chamber lined with blades and a ridged tongue on her toweringly imposing rapturous form.
Actually, she was pretty cute, but Luann wasn't too preoccupied with that at the moment.
Dropped into the chamber, Luann instantly tried to make herself as small as possible to avoid being run along the walls. The bread and fish were shredded around her, the tongue getting closer and closer to her with each strike, until it finally skewered through the bottom of the disintegrating sandwich like action movie protagonist through drywall. Luann was gutpunched by the tongue and slammed up into the wall, only barely saved from impalement by the bread's last stand before tearing on the fall back down.
In the process of reading this last paragraph, you have experienced the matter of seconds in a manner ten times more lucid than Luann did.
The tongue seemed to regard her strangely, flicking her around atop itself, further disorienting her sense of up as it rolled her like a single goldfish cracker. Then, with great exertion, she was pulled backwards. Her hindlegs hit flesh which gladly opened to take her in, pulling her down the gullet as she helplessly reached for the outside.
"Bleh, I think that was an eye." Silverstream muttered.
Luann sighed as she was pulled down the winding tunnel, batting her head against the walls. Stupid, stupid, she was a stupid little horse. College was fucking boring, but she was almost done, and then adulthood would be much more exciting. Adulthood was famously exciting; that's why you see so many happy adults. But no, she had to be hasty, and now she was going to be eaten by a bird. It was a hellishly lucky stroke of luck that purchase of any shrink potion came with a free dose of anti-corrosion potion on the side-
Wait. She suddenly flashed back to her conversation with the seller.
"Wait, why? That's a really random offer."
"Studies have shown 90% of shrink potion usages happen around the same time as a sudden introduction to corrosive pHs. There's a number of factors that lead to this, both accidental and... on purpose. I mean, no kinkshaming, panty lad, but I think you know what I mean."
"Please, Celestia, don't call me that. But I really don't know what you mean."
"Oh. You mean, you genuinely want this for prank reasons? And you're not using it to sate a fetish?"
"What? No, Celestia no."
"Huh. Weird."
Luann wished people could see her face right now, it was honestly a very impressive feat of equine facial muscles.
Luann let out an oof as her midsection was caught in the final sphincter, met with a short hack from somewhere in front of her, and then the floor hit her. Then the stench hit her. Then fish hit her. Later, her roommate would hit her for being stupid.
She shook the fish off her limbs, shaking like a dog and bucking out with a hindleg, then peered around at her new environment. Bread floated in tiny puddles of acids, the same that dripped from the ceiling, making tiny ploops as they collided. Just to spite nature, she jumped in one and made an acid angel, then continued perusing (much like a point and click adventure game protagonist, her observations of the world came one at a time so they could be easily digested, heh, into readable sentences). Globs of unidentifiable food were spread sparsely throughout the room. Walls constantly grew and lost wrinkles as the entire place expanded and contracted from the force of the massive lungs just outside.
In short, it sucked.
Luann groaned, turning into a full on screech as she pulled hairs from her mane in annoyance and threw a self-hatred tantrum a few years too young for her, but generally overlooked by the public in sympathy of the anxieties of the college experience.
By the time her much needed venting was done, she had a considerably more level head. Tilting her head around, she noticed the heartbeat and contractions growing fainter and less frequent, and took it to mean the element had fallen back asleep.
That's right, it was midnight. Times when students should be relishing what little sleep they had instead of sneaking out. In the end, no coming of age wallflower experience should come at the cost of a good sleep, she mused.
So, she decided to go to bed. Picking the best deadly puddle to nap in with the softest floor, kicking her hindlegs out at the edge to keep them from getting wrinkly, and doing her best to separate stuck together hairs in her mane before finally dozing off angrily.
Luann barged back into her room with matted fur and smelling greatly of fish.
"How'd it go?" Her roommate asked, still parked on her bed.
"I'm stupid."
Her roommate snorted. "There are easier ways to learn that lesson."
Author's Note
this is probably the least funniest thing ive ever written
