Twilight's Terrible Idea to Fight World Hunger
Twilight Sparkle led the group along a raised catwalk, high over the laboratory facilities below. "Equestria doesn't have a problem with overpopulation and famine...not yet, anyway."
Rainbow Dash narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "Are you trying to tell us something, Twilight?"
Twilight uttered a single cold and deliberate chuckle. "Of course not. But I DO believe in planning ahead. Being prepared for all contingencies. Solving problems long before they come up. If they even ever do...which they might not."
Rarity asked, "Are you telling us you're working hard to plan and prepare for social problems that won't happen for a very long time, and might never happen at all?"
Twilight smiled. "Exactly! I'm so glad you're keeping up."
Rainbow snorted. "Keeping up with WHAT? This doesn't make any sense."
Twilight didn't seem to hear the pegasus. "Down below is our experimental long distance outcrossing facility. Here we combine DNA from different types of creatures. The current project involves samples we obtained from another universe, through a mirror portal."
Fluttershy said quietly, "Sounds horrible. What's wrong with letting creatures breed the usual way? They like it."
Twilight grinned maniacally. "Because the old fashioned way, it might take a very long time to get a creature that's the RIGHT part siren, and the RIGHT part changeling."
Applejack grunted. "IS there any such thing as a RIGHT part siren? Way I hear it, sirens are ALWAYS bad news."
Twilight pointed down at a creature in a large swimming pool. "That's not what my research results tell me." Twilight shouted at the tank below, "Amphibia! There's somepony up here who seems to hate Sirens!"
The glossy-skinned, dark blue creature smiled up at the tour group. She waved a forefin lazily. "Really? I'm so glad to hear that. Who is it?"
Applejack grumbled, "Ah wouldn't exactly say Ah HATE sirens. Ah just don't see any cause to be forcin' siren DNA an' changeling DNA into some weird unharmonic combination." She added more quietly, "Ok, maybe Ah DO hate sirens just a little."
The creature below pushed off from the shallow end of the pool, and did the backstroke. "That's not what I'm feeling down here, darling! To me, it feels like you hate sirens a WHOLE LOT!" The creature blew mist out of her blowhole. "Or am I feeling hate and distrust towards changelings? The way I'm put together, I get the benefit of both. How lucky I am, to be me!"
Applejack complained, "That ain't right, fer some creature to be eavesdroppin' on mah feelings like that. Why can't mah personal, private feelings be...personal and private?"
Twilight explained, "Because both changelings and sirens can feed on other creatures' feelings. Your hate and bigotry--"
"Ah am NOT a bigot!"
"--can feed a whole community of chirenings, if we can only fire up your feelings hot enough. And if we can get them to hate EACH OTHER, we can feed even more creatures!"
Pinkie Pie said in a big, loud voice, "I've heard a lot of bad ideas. But this one really takes the cake!" She pulled a cupcake out of her saddlebags and stuffed it into Twilight's mouth. "Put THAT in your pie hole!"
Applejack took a deep breath. "Ok, Ah guess you've shown that by gettin' me riled up enough, MAYBE you can feed a whole herd of unholy abominations. But what good does that do US? Did you ever think maybe hate can be BAD?"
"That's true," Fluttershy said. "We should try to keep our feelings calm and grounded. Otherwise, bad things can happen."
Twilight replied, "You want to know what good it does US? I'm already working on creating special chirenings that are mental voids, without minds or thoughts of their own."
Dash exclaimed, "And this is supposed to be an improvement? How?"
Twilight jumped up and down with excitement. "Because if they don't have minds of their own, there's nothing wrong with transferring pony minds into their heads! So the mindless chirenings' bodies will go to good use! And everypony will be able to eat a healthy diet just by taking in the general ill feelings that creatures can have towards each other!"
Pinkie growled. "I know I eat more than my weight in frosting every week...but even I can tell you that's NOT a healthy diet."
"It's just a contingency plan!" Twilight said. "A BRILLIANT plan, but just a plan. In case we need it."
Rainbow Dash looked down at the aquatic creature. "Whatever you call it, that creature sure is huge. What a lot of blubber."
"It's a chirening!" Twilight said.
The creature below said, "That's because I'm an aquatic mammal. For us, several tons of blubber is just a healthy weight. My doctor says I might be a little undernourished."
Rainbow Dash laughed. "That's hilarious! You're bigger than a whale!"
"What part of AQUATIC MAMMAL don't you understand, you featherbrain?"
"Hay!" Rainbow shouted. "There's no call for that kind of language! That's insulting!"
"You insulted my natural weight. What kind of language do you expect to hear back?"
"The more Ah see and hear of that giant blubbery creature, the less Ah think Ah like her."
"Yay!" the swimmer cheered. "Hate me all you want! More yummies for me!"
Fluttershy whispered in Twilight's ear.
"What was that, Fluttershy? I couldn't quite hear you."
"I just said, it seems like you're trying to create a world that won't have any place for NICE creatures. Creatures like me and most of my animal friends could starve to death."
Twilight spoke in what was probably supposed to be a reassuring tone of voice, as she patted Fluttershy on the head. "That's why I already have a team of instructors hard at work on anger management classes."
"That sounds really nice," the gentle pegasus replied. "I think some creatures NEED to learn to control their anger and be nicer to each other."
Twilight blinked. "You've got it all wrong. In a world fueled by anger and hatred, anger isn't something to get rid of. Anger is a vital resource. We need to help it increase and grow. Someday, the whole world will run on anger. We'll have special systems to help creatures yell and rant at each other, and send each other little messages about how they dislike each other. Here!" Twilight pointed at a little box mounted on the catwalk railing. "Press that red button."
Fluttershy timidly tapped the button.
"No, harder!" Twilight slammed the button with one hoof. She slammed it again.
Down below, the swimming creature shouted, "I can see my hate counter display go up, but I can't really feel it. I don't think you're doing it right." She shouted up at Fluttershy, "Hay! Did you say you have animal friends? I think in the future, we should steamplow all the forests so the animals won't have anyplace to live! All the animals will starve to death! After I run them over first!"
Fluttershy said angrily, "You DIDN'T!"
"I sure did! Push that hate button for me, you scrawny little dishrag of a pony!"
Fluttershy put her forehooves on the catwalk's railing, and glared down at the chirenring. "You should stop what you're doing RIGHT NOW!"
The chirening flopped over, waving her tail. "But it feels so good! What are you going to do to me--"
In an violent, noisy explosion of red fluid and mostly yellowish chunks, Amphibia stopped existing.
Twilight stared down at the suddenly fouled pool. She stared at her normally unassertive little pegasus friend. She stared at the chunks and liquid floating in the pool, and at her friend again. "I...had no idea that was even possible."
Fluttershy said, "That's because you've lost touch with your natural instincts, Twilight. The animals all know that could happen to them, if they get me angry enough." She took a deep breath.
"New plan," Twilight said. "The tour is over. I'll be considering each and every project here for cancellation and wind-down."
Fluttershy said with a little smile, "Good."
***
Twilight complained to Luna over the breakfast table, "I can't believe you didn't wake me up."
Luna fluttered her eyelashes innocently. "If somepony is having a nightmare they can't handle, I can come help them. But you needed that dream. Your mind was working through some issues in its own way. If I'd interfered, I could have prevented you from understanding...whatever it was that your mind was learning to understand."
"I think that was the stupidest dream I've ever had in my life."
"Good." Luna took a bite of banana peel. Ponies had asked about that before, and she'd said the extra fiber helped her digestion. "I'm glad you can see that."
Luna took another bite, this time from a pancake Celestia had made with a goofy face on it. "Also...the part about how Fluttershy can kill any creature she chooses to, if they make her angry enough?"
"That was the stupidest part!"
Luna shook her head. "No. That part was very real." She took another bite of pancake, and daintily chewed. "Creatures stupidly hating each other can kill. It can distract from solving real problems, and become its own, worse problem instead."
"I see!" Twilight said. "It was a metaphor for how we need to try to get along and be nice to each other, and try to see things from each other's point of view. Because hating each other is wrong."
Luna swallowed her current bite. "That's all very true, and I'm glad you see it. But you also need to know that every creature in this world lives only by the sufferance of Fluttershy, because we haven't made her angry enough that her anger would make us explode and die."
Twilight shouted, "Hay! I have a brilliant idea!"
Luna's big blue eyes looked at Twilight expectantly.
"We wouldn't even NEED wood or coal to fuel our steam engines, if we had the sense to use NIRIK POWER! When niriks get angry, they produce more heat than...just about anything! I just need to do some calculations..." Twilight jumped out of her chair and ran out of the dining room.
Luna smirked. "How ingenious of you, Twilight. Pleasant dreams."
