Oops, All Berry's (Pee)

by The Pimp Writer

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Comedy
Length: 3476

Berry Brew and Rym Waggles have a rivalry. Naturally, this leads to someone pissing in someone else's cereal.

Berry Brew and Rym Waggles have a rivalry. Naturally, this leads to someone pissing in someone else's cereal.

But it's not sexual, so don't worry about it.

Commission for Stardoost.

Berry Brew Belongs to Stardoost.
Rym Waggles and Mona Squiggles belong to Hoovier

Most characters used with some permission.

Published 2021-06-12 22:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-06-12 22:20:01 UTC

Sweet Lemonade

Author's Note

It's fine. It's not sexual.

It's fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

Also, if you guys could, like, add this story to groups for me? That'd be great.

Slaanesh loves you!

Sweet Lemonade

Rivalry was a funny thing.

Berry Brew, being an earth pony, had an almost instinctual beef with most unicorns. Now, add to that the fact her special talent was alchemy, and she had professional beef with any creature who thought earth ponies ‘just weren’t built’ for potion making. And then, you have the fact that there was one racist unicorn bitch that not only though earth ponies couldn’t do alchemy, but also that alchemy was dumb and for babies.

And so, it was only logical that Berry would find herself being mortal enemies with Rym Waggles.

Rym was pretty much everything Berry wasn’t. On paper, anyway. She was a unicorn who grew up in Canterlot and never wanted for one Celestia-damn thing. She coasted her entire life, able to dick around attaching electrodes to her clit and shoving light bulbs up her ass to see if they would turn on. (They didn’t.) Of course, her special talent was machinery, which was fucking something coming from someone who could levitate whatever she wanted at will. And, at some point, she got it in her head that anything and everything a creature would use a potion for could easily be replaced by something that flashed lights and made bleeps and bloops.

Granted, Rym had never said a word of this outloud, but Berry just knew that was what was going through that unicorn’s mind every second of every day.

Considering how diametrically opposed they were, it was something of note that the two even knew each other. In fact, Berry often imagined, in a wistful sort of way, that she and Rym would have never met if it wasn’t for one other pony.

Mona Squiggles was Rym’s sister and Berry’s friend. She was also occasionally a test subject for both of them.

Once, Berry had been trying to turn ponies feathers a different color via an easily swallowed potion rather than the usual dye job. Mona, being a pegasus, had been happy to test it out after Berry had snuck it into her drink. Mona had gone home to wait for the potion to take effect and later that same day Berry had gotten a visit from Rym. The unicorn was quite upset that Mona had started leaking blue fluid from various orifices, no matter how many times Berry had told her it was perfectly harmless. Of course, things only got really heated after Berry had told Rym why her sister was leaking an, again, for sure harmless glowing blue liquid.

“Oh, I could do that with what I have in my shop in ten minutes without anyone leaking anything.”

It wasn’t what Rym had said, but more the way she said it. A ‘oh, you drink coffee? Well I drink tea and that’s way better, peasant.’

So, as you would, Berry held Rym down and made her drink the next batch of potion. Based on Mona’s testimony the next day, her sister had been changing colors at least once an hour. So, you know, progress.

Rym hadn’t taken this lying down and had sent Berry a package a week later that exploded and somehow blasted clown colors all over her face.

Things sort of escalated from there.

Berry and Rym’s rivalry wasn’t always that direct, though. Rym would occasionally try to poach customers from Berry’s alchemy shop and in response Berry would sometimes swoop in and promise that little legless foal she could grow their legs back instead of replacing them with shoddy gears and levers. Remarkably, Berry had managed to make a limb grow. It just never was the right one. But what kid didn’t want their own tentacle?

Poor Mona was caught in the middle more than once. Berry had managed to turn that failed feather coloring potion into a neat little make your fluids glow in the dark brew, which Mona seemed to enjoy quite a bit. But the next time they met up, Mona relayed how Rym had insisted she could do the same thing with a machine that mimicked concentrated magic. Mona’s hair fell out, but it grew back after a while.

Being the one with the most to lose, it wasn’t a surprise that Mona had been the one to broker a truce between the two mares. It had taken a lot of pleading and guilt-tripping, but eventually Mona got both Rym and Berry to agree to sit down and try to talk through their differences. Or at the very least stop using her as the metaphorical ping-pong ball in their little back and forth.

They agreed to breakfast at Rym’s house, Mona taking shelter far away from the potential warzone. Berry took the time to spiff herself up, wanting to look her best but also not look like she was trying to look her best. It was a difficult balance to strike, but she got there in the end.

Berry Brew combed her maroon mane and tail until they were both straight and neat and washed her blueberry coat with the shampoo that made it shine. She considered dressing up a little, but decided against it. She didn’t want Rym to get the wrong idea and think Berry secretly had feelings for her. Or wanted to sit on her stupid unicorn face.

Berry knew that it was going to be hot that day and that Rym lived clear on the other side of Canterlot, so she took a big bottle of water with her for the trek. Now, it wasn’t too hot on the walk over, but Berry ended up drinking the whole bottle anyway. She was something of a habitual snacker, and drinker, so that wasn’t too surprising. She could probably fill the bottle back up in Rym’s sink. So long as Rym hadn’t decided it was better for ponies to have all their fluids turned into a fine mist and absorbed through their skin or something.

Berry wasn’t sure what she expected to see when the door to Rym’s home opened. Big robot butler with flamethrower and buzzsaw attachments maybe. But no, it was just Rym, wearing a rather frilly pink nightgown for a mare with such a dour deposition.

The unicorn’s coat was a dull gunmetal gray, clean but not given any special care. Her mane was two tones of blue, sky blue and then a much, much lighter blue. It was short and messy, like she had cut it herself and not with much intent beyond making it shorter.

“Good morning,” Rym said, her tone attempting to be conversational and just coming across as bored. “What’s with the bottle?”

“Hm? Oh,” Berry shook the empty bottle. “Water. Drank it on my way over.”

“Alright,” Rym nodded and then moved back to allow Berry entrance. “Come in.”

Berry followed Rym into her house, maintaining a respectful distance between herself and the unicorn. The house was clean but also felt rather… bare. As Berry walked down the hallway towards the kitchen, she couldn’t help but notice the lack of, well, anything that would indicate somepony lived here. The walls were a plain white color and devoid of pictures or any other sort of decoration. There was also a lack of plants or clocks or anything else one might put up in their house. It was possible Rym had just moved in, but Berry wasn’t so sure of that.

The kitchen was a bit more personalized. It had a table. And there were enough scuff marks on the floor and the counters to show a pony often moved around there. Rym motioned for Berry to take a seat, which she did after taking care to check the chair for tampering. Discreetly. If Rym noticed, she made no comment, going to the cupboards and pulling out a pair of bowls.

“Do you like cereal?” she asked, using her mouth to pick up one bowl while using her magic to grab the other.

Berry was perplexed enough by the way Rym was gathering the dishes she took a few seconds to realize she had been asked a question. “Oh, uh, yeah, I like cereal. Who doesn’t right?”

“Right,” Rym said around the bowl in her mouth, setting it down in front of an empty chair and then setting the levitated one in front of Berry. The unicorn repeated this process with a pair of spoons, again one in the mouth and the other in her magic. After that, she retrieved a jug of milk from her fridge and left it on the table before opening a cupboard to reveal numerous cereal boxes. “What sort of cereal do you want?”

“Um…” Berry squinted at the boxes. “Are those Aurora-O’s?”

“They are,” Rym said, pulling the box out with her hooves. “Did you also buy them from that pregnant mare that was going around with a cart of them?”

“Yeah, she, uh… she’s something of an acquaintance.”

Rym made a neutral sort of hum and put the box on the table. “I don’t like them, but Mona seems to, so I keep a box around for her. She eats a lot of cereal.”

“Tell me about it,” Berry replied with a smirk, taking the box and pouring herself a bowl of the little crunchy, cinnamon flavored rings. “I usually have to buy an extra jug of milk whenever she comes over to visit.”

Rym let out another hum and something approximating a smile flashed across her lips. “Glad to know it’s not just me she’s using for free breakfast.”

The unicorn pulled a different box from the cupboard and filled her bowl with its contents. Berry, who had been picking up the milk jug, stopped and stared at Rym’s choice of breakfast.

“Is that… just the dry bits of Lucky Charms?”

“Oh yes,” Rym nodded, closing up the box and putting it away. “I don’t care for the marshmallows they insist on putting in here, but Mona likes them. So, she goes through the boxes and picks out all the marshmallows. Which leaves me with the best bits.”

“Right…” Berry said, pouring the milk and passing the jug back to Rym, who again used her hooves to lift it. “Why do you do that?”

“Do what?” Rym replied, putting the milk back in her fridge.

“Use your hooves and mouth for everything. You’re a unicorn.”

“Oh,” Rym looked down into her bowl as she took her seat. “I heard about a unicorn who lost his horn once. It got broken off and he just couldn’t do any sort of magic. Even lift something as small as a pencil. If that ever happens to me, I want to be ready. Pegasi and mu- uh, earth ponies don’t have magic and they get along perfectly fine. So, it makes sense for me to use my hooves as much as I can, just in case.”

“Oh, that makes sense,” Berry replied, stirring her cereal with her spoon. “Why use magic to get my bowl then?”

“I thought you wouldn’t want me using my mouth to get something you were going to use.”

“Ah, fair,” Berry said with a smirk. “So… how are things?”

“Normal, I suppose,” Rym replied, eating her bowlful of Lucky Charm-less Lucky Charms like that wasn’t a fucking insane thing to do. “Making progress on a few different projects.”

“Like what?” Berry asked, still stirring.

Rym frowned, ever so slightly. “They’re rather complex. I’m sure you don’t want to spend a few hours trying to understand while I explain them.”

Berry matched the unicorn’s frown. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Just what it sounds like,” Rym answered with a shrug. “What I’m doing would be difficult to explain to someone with a prior knowledge of robotics. Let alone someone with anything less than a firm grasp of calculus.”

Berry scoffed. “Sorry, but do you think I don’t know anything about math? I’m not eyeballing ingredients at my shop. If I put one gram too much of xenoberry paste in a mixture of weaver blood and refined spring water, do you know what I get instead of a fast acting acne cure?”

Rym snorted and shrugged. “Please, enlighten me.”

“I get flesh eating acid,” Berry said, her frown deepening. “Potion making isn’t throwing everything in a cauldron and leaving it on a fire for an hour. It requires precise measurements of everything from ingredients to heat to the speed of stirring. Heck, I need to be careful what sort of stirring stick I use. The wrong sort of material and that mane dye is going to make you shit rocks for a week.”

“Oh, believe me, I’m aware,” Rym said with something approximating a growl. “Luckily, I can do the same thing your potions do with none of the potential side effects.”

Berry scoffed. “There’s not one thing your machines could do that my potions can’t. And my potions can do it better every time.”

“Your-” Rym started to say, before a loud crash sounded from somewhere deeper in the house. “Wonderful,” she sighed, hopping out of her chair. “Don’t go anywhere. There was something I actually wanted to discuss with you.”

Rym vanished through a door that led off from the kitchen, into what looked like a workshop from the brief glance Berry saw of it when the door opened. The mare sat there and fumed, the sheer snideness of Rym making her blood boil like nothing else. She growled softly and then let out a long sigh, turning her attention to her bowl of cereal. She took up her spoon and took a bite.

Which she then very quickly spat back out. Berry knew rock viper venom when she tasted it. That crazy bitch was trying to poison her! Rock viper venom was far from deadly, but it did tend to make ponies get rashes in the worst possible places. Berry frowned and scratched the side of the bowl with her spoon, coming up with some residue.

Sneaky.

Berry glanced around and then quickly made her way to the sink, dumping out her bowl and washing the contents of it down the drain. She leaned forward and gathered water in her mouth, gargling and spitting it into the sink as well. The fucking nerve of that bitch. The audacity. Rym probably thought it was really fucking poetic to use ‘alchemy’ to fuck with Berry. It made the alchemist regret not bringing a few ingredients of her own to return the favor.

Berry sighed and started filling up her water bottle for the journey back. She wasn’t going to leave, not yet. She was going to let Rym think she had gotten one over on her then hit back harder than the unicorn had ever gotten hit.

Berry whined a little and started to do the pee dance as the running water reminded her she had drank an entire bottle on the way over here. She always did have a small bladder, which was a significant annoyance. Damnit, she should have asked Rym where the bathroom-

And then, Berry got herself an idea.

She set her water bottle aside and climbed up one Rym’s table. It held steady under her weight, which was good. She angled herself over Rym’s cereal bowl, taking care she was perfectly aligned, and then let loose. Berry peed directly into the bowl, taking care not to piss too fast lest she spill. Berry bit her lips and giggled quietly, a soft, happy groan coming from her throat as her bladder emptied.

Berry finished peeing and quickly got off the table. She mixed Rym’s cereal, making sure the yellow piss mixed evenly into the white milk. Some color had leached out of the cereal as well, which further concealed the bowl’s new ingredient. Ther smell was minimal as well and some gurried hoof waving dissipated it. Berry giggled to herself, taking her empty bowl back to her spot and sitting down, waiting with anticipation for Rym to return.

She wondered how it would go. Rym would be able to piece together what happened, surely. But, would she say anything? If she did, Berry still had the rock viper venom on her spoon. It wasn’t really much, but it gave Berry something of a moral leg to stand on.

Five or so minutes went by before Rym reappeared, wiping grease from her face with a rag.

“Sorry. Certain things weren’t doing what they were supposed to be doing,” she sighed and tossed the rag aside as she sat back down at the table. “Anyway, I wanted to discuss something with you.”

“Go on,” Berry said, folding her hooves on the table and trying to keep her expression blank.

“So, I wanted to discuss a collaboration,” Rym said, idly stirring her cereal.

Berry raised an eyebrow. “Oh?”

“Yes. See, I’ve been trying to graft a new leg on a foal over at Canterlot General Hospital. It hasn’t been going well. Their body just refuses to accept the leg and we’ve already had to worry about necrosis twice.” Rym sighed. “Look, we have our differences, sure. But I want this to work. And to do it, I need the foal’s body to not reject the new limb. And I thought you might be able to provide some sort of potion that might help.” Rym fidgeted. “I can’t pay you, but this will definitely get a lot of attention on you if it works, so…”

Berry tapped her chin. “Well… I’ll see what I can do. And what do you mean you can’t pay me?”

Rym shrugged. “The hospital isn’t paying me for this. I’m doing it pro bono.”

“And why can’t you pay me for the potion? I'm being subcontracted.”

Rym snorted. “That’s a funny way of putting it. Look, if you can’t do it-”

“I said I’ll do it,” Berry said firmly, crossing her forelegs. “But I’m going to need some form of compensation. At least reimburse me for the ingredients.”

“Fine, fine, I can do that. I’ll need a list. And believe me I’ll be double checking it.”

Berry just shook her head. “Your trust in me is overwhelming.”

“I trust that if you’re half as good as you keep insisting you are, you might be able to do it.” Rym sighed and at last took another bite of cereal.

Berry’s breath caught in her throat as she watched Rym’s face, eagerly waiting to see her reaction. Infuriatingly, there wasn’t one. Rym maintained the same bored expression as she quickly finished off her bowl of cereal, even drinking down all the ‘milk’.

“If you’re not otherwise engaged, I’d like that potion as soon as possible,” Rym said, wiping her mouth and collecting the bowls. “And… I might have something in my shop you’ll want, so maybe I can give you that as payment.”

“Huh? Oh, sure. That sounds good,” Berry said, looking at Rym with no small amount of perplexity.

“Would it help if you saw the limb I made? I’m not sure if the material would be a factor in-” Rym stopped short as there was another crash from her workshop. “Stupid- Wait a moment, would you?”

Rym quickly hurried off towards the workshop again, leaving Berry alone in the kitchen once more. How had she not noticed the literal piss in her cereal? Was Rym a better poker player than Berry thought? Did she have no sense of taste? Did… did she like the taste of pee?

Berry’s mind swirled with these questions as she trotted over to Rym’s side of the table and inspected it. A spell of some sort, maybe? It could really be anything with these unicorns. Idly, Berry took a hoofful of Rym’s catfood of a cereal and popped it into her mouth.

Nothing. She might as well have been chewing cardboard. Berry snorted, her brow thoroughly furrowed as she swallowed the dry and nearly tasteless cereal. Rym having no sense of taste was sounding more plausible by the second.

Berry coughed and took a swig from her water bottle, trying to wash down-

She coughed and sputtered again, nearly choking when the water hit her tongue. Or, rather, the pee. Berry didn’t know how, her money was on some magical teleporter bullshit, but Rym had managed to transport Berry’s pee from her bowl and into the mare’s bottle.

Berry wasn’t mad, not really. For one, she respected the forethought. For another, she didn’t really mind the taste of her own pee. Unlike some prudes she knew.

“Berry, I have the leg in here,” Rym called from the workshop.

“Coming,” Berry replied, idly sipping from her water bottle as she trotted towards Rym’s voice.

You win this round, Waggles. This round.