Anon Buys the Everfree Forest

by nameundetermined

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Alternate Universe, Comedy, Gilda, Profanity, Adventure, Princess Celestia
Length: 13392

Anon is tired of the hectic day-to-day of living amongst the ponyfolk and decides to purchase some land in the Everfree to have some peace and quiet all by his lonesome. How much land you ask? All of it

Anon is tired of the hectic day-to-day of living amongst the ponyfolk and decides to purchase some land in the Everfree to have some peace and quiet all by his lonesome. How much land you ask? All of it

Join me in watching as Anon sorts out the bits and bobs of his newfound assets. It is sure to be a ride, and definitely not a smooth one.

Join our Discord Server here if you want updates as soon as new chapters are posted and dank memes.

Takes place starting shortly after the conclusion of Slice of Life.

Featured for Nine Consecutive days from 6-20-21 to 6-29-21!

Check out the audiobook by Straighttothepoint!: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PhMoe4RfYz0

Published 2021-06-20 18:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-07-03 19:24:24 UTC

Anon Buys the Everfree Forest

Your name is Anon, and you have had it up to here with these god damned pastel ponies.

You know they mean well, but fuck, it sure doesn’t make dealing with them any easier. Every other day it's something. Some new imminent disaster, harebrained scheme, or contrived friendship lesson. You tend to be a fairly patient extra-dimensional monkey-thing, but today has just been absolutely fucking ridiculous!

You are currently in your apartment, packing your belongings while being harangued by Princess Purplesmart, who is nervously trotting in place and looking up at you with one of those big-eyed pleading expressions the little shits like to shoot you so frequently.

Normally such an adorable, wide, wet-eyed look would be more than enough to get you to drop whatever gripe you had. Today was not a normal day, and it seemed she would actually have to use her words to convince you to reconsider.

“Anon, please! There’s no reason to take such drastic action! I mean sure, today was a bit hectic-”

You look back at her, giving her a less than credulous glare as your hands continue to move, placing objects into the briefcase before you.

She grimaces and her ears fall flat against her head as she shrinks slightly “Alright, today was a capital d Disaster, but do you really think moving is the best-”

You cut her off again, this time with actual words and not just a nasty look.”Twilight, you know that I tend to be fairly...permissive in regards to the level of bullshittery in this town, yes?”

She cringes slightly at your swearing, but nods, allowing you to speak your piece.

“Now, today I did not have much planned. I was going to enjoy the weather, maybe do some grocery shopping. Now explain to me why on Faust's Green Fucking Earth the first thing I saw when I walked out of my house today, was you and the rest of your little Pony Power Ranger friends fighting a giant flying bear with bee parts sticking out of it?”

At this point, you have packed some clothes, most of your loose bits, and a lunch and closed up the case. You are preparing to head out the door, with the little royal trotting behind, having not yet given up. “The Bugbear was taken care of as quickly as possible! We even made sure not to accidentally corral it towards your apartment this time!”

“Yeah, thanks for not putting another hole in my house via your ridiculous ponesapades. But my mind is made up. I can’t live like this, Twi, it’s too much excitement for me. I like peace and quiet.”

Twilight gave an almost condescending scoff. Almost, she was getting a bit better about that, to her credit. “And you decided that the best way to get that was to move to the Everfree Forest? Anon, that is one of the most unpredictable, wild places on the entire Equestrian Continent, why would you go there for peace and quiet? You have more bit’s than you can spend from writing all of those crazy books about stuff from your world, why wouldn’t you just move somewhere nice, like Canterlot, or Manehattan?”

You stop, turning to face her as you slowly bend down, a small smirk coming across your features as you explain it to her. “Because, my little Twiggles. I know that nine out of ten of you little pastel poners refuse to even set foot in that place,” you say, gently booping her nose with a single finger before standing back up and continuing to walk, leaving your friend to sputter and snort softly before following behind again as you continue. “Besides, Zecora tells me that if you leave well enough alone, things generally stay pretty quiet there. Just don’t go too far off the paths, and don’t burn the place down and things are fine.”

Twilight gives a huff and puffs her cheeks a bit, looking up at you with normal eyes, as opposed to those dewy, wide monstrosities she was trying to pass off as acceptable moments earlier. “Fine. I guess you won’t be too far away, and we can come and see you if we really want to…”

“That’s the spirit! And hey, nothing is stopping me from coming out to see you if I feel like it. I just want a bit of space.” You also wanted your house to stop getting destroyed on a bi-weekly basis, but that was, of course, implied, and less than tactful to bring up.

Sometime later, you found yourself in the waiting room of the Mayor’s office, briefcase sitting in your lap as you listened to some shitty pony Muzak knockoff half-heartedly riffing in the background. Eventually, you are called by the secretary and allowed into the office proper.

The Mayor seems a bit excited to see you for once. Probably because you aren’t here to file yet another noise complaint or property damage claim. Her ears perk as she locks eyes with you from across the room “Ah yes, Mister Anonymous. Please come in! I was delighted when I heard you wished to purchase the Everfree Territory from our Township.”

This catches your ear, and you raise an eyebrow slowly as you take a seat in front of her desk. “Really now? I would have figured that a simple property purchase would not be so exciting.”

The Mayor wilts for just a moment, before returning to her previous chipper demeanor, admittedly dialing it back just a tad, seeming slightly...nervous now? “Oh, it isn’t normally. But admittedly...Anonymous, are you familiar with the history of Ponyville?”

You cross your arms and think back to the admittedly somewhat interesting if long-winded history lessons Twilight had given you after your arrival. On your request, she had explained the founding of Ponyville at length, and even directed you to Granny Smith for more information. Though of course conversation with the old nag was hit or miss at the best of times. “Somewhat. The original settlers were given clearance to colonize and settle the fringes of the Everfree, yes?”

“Not exactly, no.” The Mayor says as her nervousness visibly increases. She tugs softly at her collar and continues “We were actually given a significantly larger allotment of land than what we have been able to effectively settle. We were originally tasked with taming the entire forest, but as you can see, that is a...less than realistic goal, even with modern technological and mystical advancements. And since tax collection by township is determined in great part by the effective use and development of allotted land…”

“So what you are saying is, me taking this land off of your hands or er...hooves, is reducing the amount of tax you owe the crown? Sounds legit.” You say as you open your briefcase, taking out a fairly plump sack of bits and placing it on the table. “I guess I don’t mind killing two birds with one stone and helping the town out by taking a half-acre or two off of your hands. How much land will this get me?” You ask as you push the bag containing a significant quantity of your savings towards the elderly mare.

She flinches slightly at your predatory metaphor, but swallows dryly, eyes wide as she looks down at the bag. She slowly opens it and starts more quickly counting out the bits, using a scale and some weights.. She takes a calculator out and does some math and after about ten minutes says. “All of it.”

You tilt your head, giving a small, befuddled expression as you attempt to parse her meaning “Yes, I am giving you all of it, how much land will it get me?”

The Mayor gives a small sigh and shakes her head “no, you don't understand. My apologies, let me explain. The price we had set for the land was extremely low since essentially any amount would be better than extracting essentially negative value from the land. This will buy you the entire forest.”

Oh.

Author's Note

And so here we go again! A friend of mind was feeling down, so I decided to whip them up a little something to help them feel better. There will be a few more chapters of this coming as I feel up to it. I hope you all enjoy!

Anon Officiates the Transfer of Land Ownership

Your name is Anon, and evidently, you now own the entire Everfree Forest.

You are still in the Mayor's office building, in the record-keeping area, and you are getting all of the little legal bits and bobs in order. She has drafted an agreement surrendering the Everfree Territory of the Ponyville Township to you and is doing her darndest to make sure you have copies of all of the relevant legal documents you will need, Faust bless her little equine heart.

“You are going to want a copy of our original charter, of course, so you can understand the conditions under which you actually own the land in relation to the Crown. You are also going to want maps I presume? We have a few, though they are all fairly outdated, but that’s better than nothing right?” She says as she digs through a particularly old and dusty series of books and scrolls on an ancient-looking shelf. Every so often she tosses something to you, adding to the slowly growing pile of paperwork held in your somewhat more quickly tiring arms.

“I-is all of this really necessary? I mean, I just wanted some land to set up a place outside of town so I could get some sleep at night without having to worry about waking up to this week's fifth cattle stampede.” You say, your knees beginning to buckle ever so slightly from the massive load of legal documentation.

The Mayor pops up from her work and gives you a quick, serious nod. “It is. I do not know if you are aware of this Anon, but the Everfree has remained unsettled for good reason. It is a very dangerous place if you do not have a proper understanding of the geography, and what’s more, you run the risk of accidentally trespassing into Griffin Empire territory if you stray too far.”

That name clicks in your head as something familiar. You vaguely remember the resident science horse mentioning that the Everfree acted as a natural barrier and land border between Equestria and the Griffin Empire. Back before everyone was relatively chill, it prevented a number of invasions by the Griffins when they decided that invading during Celestia’s time of vulnerability after banishing her sister would be a real pro gamer move.

The mayor continued to speak, having stopped piling on, seeing you are already struggling. “Hmphh...that should be enough to get you started. You will need to make a trip to Canterlot to file your ownership of the territory with the appropriate offices. Normally we could host such a transaction here, but due to the size and complexity, they will have access to resources and documents on hoof that should make the process significantly easier. In the meantime, I suggest you brush up on what I have provided here.”

“Ugh, duly noted, Mayor Mare. Now if you will excuse me, I think I hear my knees crying for me...” You say as you waddle off back towards your home with all of your effects in tow. You hated to go back. You were hoping to just sort of making a beeline for the forest to inspect your property once you were finished in the Mayor's office, but you were going to need to pack all of this away and plan a trip to Canterlot sometime this week.

God, why couldn’t anything just be fucking normal in this town?

Your name continues to be Anon. It is now tomorrow, and you are currently at Princess Sparklebutt’s magic crystal tree fort, where she has begrudgingly decided to help you sort through all of the various documentation the Mayor was so kind as to provide to help you ascertain what information will be relevant to your dealings this week in Canterlot.

Honestly, you are about 80 percent sure the only reason she agreed was because it meant she gets to take time out of her princessly duties to spend hours pouring over dusty old manuscripts and performing logistical information organization tasks. But of course, that is exactly why you brought it up with her in the first place. You knew she couldn't resist categorizing your thicc, dusty old scrolls, the little bookslut.

“...So your best bet would probably be to file your land ownership in junction with a request for a Title of Nobility. Being a noble pony will significantly reduce your overhead yearly Land value Tax overhead versus being a normal landholder, and in the event you actually manage to accomplish some level of internal development it will make granting land to any potential cohabitants far easier and quicker by naming them as Vassals instead of going to the process of actively renting out parcels of property to them.” She says, bouncing around slightly on her hooves as she read. She was incredibly in her element, her cute little tail twitching this way and that as she flitted from book to book to scroll.

You give a solemn nod and cross your arms as you pretend to understand half of what she is saying. You do get the gist to your credit, but half of the terminology flies over your head. Though some of it might be her speedy, enthusiastic delivery. “Thanks for the pro tips, Twilight. Say uh… how do you think Zecora is going to feel about this? And don’t you guys have like, a castle and a magical friendship tree out there or something?” it would be so fucking awesome if you could just live in a castle. A spooky old abandoned forest castle. You bet it has secret piano-operated doors. All old spooky castles have pianos, and secret doors which are operated by them.

Twilight actually seems stumped by these questions for a moment. “That is actually a very good question anon. Zecora owns her little plot of land where her home is the same way you own well...the rest of the forest…” She said as she seemed to check a particularly old scroll. “Hm...according to the original Everfree Company Charter, that is to say, the document that gave the original settlers clearance to colonize and develop the area, you are, and I quote ‘Entitled to the plentiful bounty left untapped in this land, forsaken by the crown, once lost to time.', So I believe that barring any other legal documents that come into conflict with this one, you do technically own the Tree of Harmony, and since it is unquestionably an abandoned structure, the Castle of the Two Sisters…”

You smile wide as you listen to her unsurely confirm your sneaking suspicion. It seems like you are going to have a very nice place to settle into. Only a few hours walk from town too!

Twilight sees your expression, and her own quickly becomes a bit apprehensive and perhaps slightly annoyed. “Anon, whenever you get that look on your face, you are never up to anything good. Don’t get too excited, I am sure the princesses and their staff have some sort of legal documentation on hoof providing special protections to these extremely historically, culturally, and magically significant landmarks.”

It is once again, tomorrow! A different tomorrow than last time, about three tomorrows after that one. You booked an express two-way train ride to Canterlot, and you are currently sitting in yet another waiting room. This time it is at least, a significantly more spacious and comfortable one, with a water cooler and little snacks and everything!

Honestly, owning land seems to involve a lot of sitting in waiting rooms and signing paperwork. It’s pretty gay, but as long as you get to enjoy some god damned peace and quiet by the end of it, it should all be worth it in your estimation. Twilight was kind enough to bookmark and notate any and all tidbits she felt important to the proceedings, as well as making a list of all of the questions and concerns the two of you had about certain...property questions. She had admittedly contributed significantly more to the list than you did. You still feel like most of what she wrote down was important enough to bring up though.

You are halfway through what you think is a quiche when you are finally called by a receptionist. You wolf the rest of the little snack down and make your way through the door, briefcase in hand, tie on straight and suit ironed and everything like a big Anon.

The pony who waves you inside is a short, squat little unicorn mare. She looks to be about in her forties, with a dull golden coat and a greying mane and tail that seems like it used to be a fairly vibrant shade of green, tied into tasteful buns.

“Ahhh yessssss, Mister Anonymous…” she croons out softly as she levitates a set of half-moon spectacles to her snout, setting them on her face as she looks over a day planner. “Please, come in. My name is Fee Simple. I will be helping you get everything sorted out today"

She clears her throat softly as you walk closer, placing your briefcase down, continuing to speak without looking at you again. "I was quite surprised when we received your request for a Noble Title. Congratulations on your land acquisition by the way. I imagine this must all be very exciting for you...”

“Not really actually. I would much rather be fishing in the river for dinner and getting settled into my new heavily fortified digs.” You say with a small shrug in that unfortunately blunt fashion you are so well known for back home.

“Yes Indeed dear, it is a very big deal.” She says, not having seemed to have even heard you. She must be in the mode she uses to deal with self-entitled twats who have too much of mommy's money for their own good to throw around. Can't say you blame her it must be a reflex at this point. “Now. You most certainly qualify for a noble title under the letter of equestrian law, especially with the sheer volume of land in question. We can have that signed and notarized before you leave today. However, I’m afraid there are some issues in regards to the documentation of the Crown's ownership of the land in question.”

“You tilt your head and squint down at her, getting a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach as you ask the question. “Oh, and what might those be?”

“She sighs and takes off her glasses, looking you dead in the eyes with a deadpan expression. “Well for starters, they don’t seem to exist.”

God. Fucking. Dammit.

Author's Note

And here you all go! Things seem to have gotten a little more interesting now. Let's see how much more interesting they get.

Anon Engages in Advanced Diplomatic Tactics

You are Marquess Anon of the Everfree, and you are preparing for a meeting with some very important ponies.

It has been about two weeks since you first purchased your property in the Everfree Forest. That is to say, more or less the entire forest. Ever since then you have been forced to more or less constantly busy yourself with a series of neverending meetings, record keepers, lawmakers, lobbyists, and general flank-kissers as you tried to prepare for today.

What is today? Today is the day that the Princesses have decided to personally meet with you to discuss the terms of your land ownership.

Luckily, you have found yourself quite motivated. With your available free time and solitude at all-time lows, you have probably never been more spurred to action, if only so you can resume your quiet, favored pastime of long-term inaction.

You had pardoned Twilight from the proceedings almost immediately after you figured out you were going to have to figure out exactly what your land ownership constitutes legally through negotiation. She was a good girl at heart, but you knew that she wouldn’t be able to maintain an unbiased perspective if your interests and the Princesses' interests came into conflict. Besides, you think she will be much happier being on the other side of the bargaining table.

You had instead, on the recommendation of Filthy Rich (Who by the by, seemed significantly happier to help you than he would have about two weeks prior) Hired a couple of lawyers to help you sort through the paperwork, doing a second pass over what twilight had already helped you establish before your first meeting and adding a few notes of their own. You even convinced Granny Smith to let you go and dig through the old Apple Family record piles to see if anything relevant came up! Ipso Facto and Fine Print have done a real bang-up job, and you are confident that you will have the upper hand in these talks.

The Mayor was kind enough to allow the lot of you to make use of the Town Hall for your meeting, and you were currently waiting there alone, sitting at a large, round table with your hands laid atop a briefcase in front of you. You had invited Zecora to attend the proceedings, since these talks might affect her as well, and you wanted to make sure that her voice was heard. She had politely declined, seeming to trust your ability to handle the situation, and not wanting to bother herself with it. You really had to admire that mare. She really knew how to go with the flow.

You did not have to wait too much longer, after about fifteen more minutes, two guards trotted through the front door, each taking up a post and blowing a fanfare on a brass horn, a third guard trotting forward and opening a scroll in one hoof, clearing his throat to read.

“Ahem- Announcing the arrival of: Princess Regnant Celestia Morningstar, The Dawnbringer, Arbiter of Justice, First of Her Name.

Princess Regnant Luna Moonshadow, Herald of the Night Mistress of Dreams, First of Her Name.

Princess Regnant Mi Amore Cadenza, Lady of Love, Keeper of the Crystal Heart. Princess Twilight Sparkle, Keeper of the Fire of Friendship, Order of Starswirl: Second Class, Keeper of the Fire of Friendship, Bearer of the Element of Magic.

Prince Consort Shining Armor, Shield of His Empire, Captain of the Crystal Guard.

The Most Illustrious Lord Anonymous, Marquess of the Everfree Territories, and er...” He squinted and seemed a bit confused as he read the final bit. “Based Chad?”

As each of these people, save for yourself is announced, they slowly file into the room and take their seats. You admittedly feel a bit...intimidated with so many mega magical poners in the same room, so you clear your throat and say the first thing that comes to mind to break the ice.

“Based Chad? Really? I mean, don't get me wrong, I’m flattered but I didn’t think they would actually let me put that in my royal title. Do they read it out like that every time I have a meeting like this?”

Celestia gives a small chuckle at this, nodding. “Indeed. Twilight explained that it was a...phrase relevant to your native culture, so we decided to allow it. We figured that you might try to slip something of the sort in anyway, given Twilight’s previous notes on you in her friendship reports.”

Luna seems slightly more confused, and all-around slightly more irritated. Some of that might be due to her being up past her bedtime for sure, but you have a feeling she is not entirely happy to have to be here. “And what, prithee, Lord Anonymous, does ‘based’ mean, if We may indulge in sating Our curiosity?”

You smirk and shake your head. “My apologies Princess, but I do not think you would understand, you’re not based enough.”

Twilight audibly chokes as she hears you say this, her eyes filling with that trademark Sparklebutt Anxiety (trademark pending). Luna’s eye twitches slightly, and her jaw visibly tightens. “I see…” she turns to her Celestia, a more confident, cocky grin returning to her face. “Sister, could you please enlighten Us since this lout has seen fit to make an amusement of Our ignorance?”

Celestia shrugs, giving her an apologetic look. “Sorry dear sister, but I have to agree, you are simply not based enough.”

Luna gives a small startled grunt as if she had been punched in the gut, one of her ears twitching as she collects herself with a small sigh. “We...see. We will have to correct Our lack of ‘basedness’ forthwith after this meeting.”

In an attempt to divert what will obviously become a trainwreck of a situation if left to its own devices, you clap your hands and rub them together to get everyone's attention before starting to speak once more. “Well, I think I speak for everyone when I say that I would prefer to keep the pleasantries to a minimum until we get everything sorted out. Your Highnesses, did you manage to find any of this lost documentation I have been hearing so much about in the interim?”

Celestia frowns softly as she draws a sigh that nearly matches her sisters. “Unfortunately, there is...good reason why the documentation no longer exists. At the conclusion of the War of the Long Night, culminating in myself and my sister's climactic showdown…” Luna rolls her eyes and huffs at this “There was, as Twilight has told you, an invasion by the Griffin Empire. This unprompted assault by the griffin forces caused a number of our allies at the time to come to our aid, as was mandated by several treaties we were involved with during that time period.

You shake your head and give a small sigh. “Let me guess, a number of other countries who also had similar contractual obligations all started dogpiling on each other in an international landgrabbing clusterfuck resulting in global scale warfare?”

Celestia visibly reddened with embarrassment, something you had never seen from her before. This must be really fucking embarrassing for her. “The Wars of Blood and Soil were a dark mark on the whole of our world, and we are deeply ashamed to have allowed it to come about. But as I was getting to...during this time a lot of records were lost or destroyed. Some by acts of espionage, some in conquest, some by their own holders in desperation. Coupled with the fact that the records housed originally in our old castle were mostly lost in the ensuing final showdown, and very little of equestrian original founding documents remain.”

Cadence decides to cut in next. Perhaps she feels the mood is getting a bit too dour. “Luckily, the borders of all involved parties were restored to more or less a pre-war state upon the signing of the International Sovereign border Agreement. Shiny knows more about this sort of thing than I do, so I will let him explain in greater detail.”

The Prince stood up a bit straighter in his seat as he directed his attention to you. “Thank you, pumpkin. As my wife was saying, Lord Anonymous, the ISBA, which was signed by all of the major powers of the Wars of Blood and Soil, explicitly agreed to restore the borders of all involved countries to their pre-war conditions, in exchange for the promise to refrain from attempting to seize territory from one another through the use of involuntary measures. The document outlines the conditions under which war could be justifiably declared and engaged in, and stipulated the terms under which territory could be legally held for the purposes of a continuing war effort. These protections extend in a manner of speaking to nations outside of the agreement, in that nations which have signed may not engage in these acts against any nation without the proper justification. Any nation which violates the terms of this document loses these protections and is deemed as er...fair game.”

“I...see..” You say simply as you allow the prince to finish his long-winded explanation. “As it just so happens, I have secured a copy of this document for the purposes of our talks today.” You say as you snap open your briefcase and pull the document in question out, clearing your throat as your eyes skim over it. “My lawyers have confirmed to me that the three conditions under which land may be willingly ceded from the rule to one party or another are: A. Through a direct monetary offer or exchange via bartering, officiated by the holder of the appropriate documentation, B. Through the direct permissed allotment of land to another party by the landowner, or C. Through reclamation by another party after the land has been explicitly abandoned by its previous owner.”

Celestia slowly nodded, squinting softly. Twilight seems to only get more anxious as she sees it. Sees “the look” on your face. The look you get when you are about to pull a real pro gamer move.

You look at Twilight and give a small wink as you pull out the Everfree Company charter. “Well, it just so happens that under the letter of the law, and in the context of all existing and verifiable documentation, my Purchase of the Everfree falls neatly into all three categories.”

“WHAT!!?”

The sound of all four of the Princesses putting on the Royal Canterlot Voice is deafening, and you grip your documents tightly as your poor lawyers are sent slamming into a wall by the sheer force of the sound of it. You will have to see about giving them a bonus, they don’t deserve that, they didn't even need to be here, you just didn’t want to be the only one on your side of the Table, and Granny Smith was too busy being old and busted to attend.

You allow your ears a moment to recover and nod, explaining. “According to the original Everfree Company Charter, Agreed upon bt the Crown and Granny Smith, Stinkin Rich and Company, the territory allotted to them is, and I quote directly: ‘forsaken by The Crown, once lost to time.’, which in tandem with clear lack of investment, infrastructure maintenance, and law enforcement in the area all clearly identify the territory as abandoned by The Crown.”

As you explain your case to the royals, you notice Luna in particular becoming increasingly agitated, her breathing quickening, her eyes becoming slowly bloodshot as she glares at you. You shrug and continue anyway.

“Secondly, This territory was specifically allotted to the Everfree Company by Its previous owners with wording that explicitly confirms that the Crown does not want the land and is surrendering it to a group which thinks they can handle its development, which in tandem with being technically abandoned property ipso facto renders the translation a full-on transfer of territory rather than a simple territorial allotment, which further legitimizes my final point. Since I legally purchased the land wholesale from its rightful owners, that being, the Township of Ponyville, via the current Rightsholder, Mayor Mare, I assert that the Everfree Forest territory, with the exception of the legally re-integrated Township of Ponyville, is independent, Sovereign Soil, and press my right as the current rights holder for formally secede from Equestria-”

At this, Luna roars and slams her hooves on the table, cracking it quite severely, eyes filled with rage. “Enough of this! We shall not tolerate another moment of this foolish monkey's blathering! This is utterly asinine!”

Wow Luna, your thousand years of banishment are showing, fucking racist ass horses.

Celestia does her best to calm her sister as the other two princesses and the prince all decide to take this time to slowly back away from the table. “Now, Luna, there is no need for this, I am sure that we can come to a reasonable, mutually satisfactory-”

“NAY, sister! This whelp seeks to pull our ancestral home out from under us using devious legal chicanery. Every moment he sits there and impudently claims ownership over our ancestral home is an insult to Our honor and We shall not HAVE IT!”

You raise a hand and try to defend yourself verbally. “In all fairness, if it was so important to you you could have avoided this by simply sending some guards out to patrol the thing every once in a wh-”

“LORD ANONYMOUS, WE CHALLENGE THEE TO A DUEL FOR THE CONTESTED TERRITORY, CHOOSE THY METHOD OF COMBAT OR FORGO THINE CLAIMS TO OUR HOME!”

You smile wide, bolting up from your chair, the furniture slamming against one of your layers still slumped on the wall who gave a soft groan as you answered her. “I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE! The contest shall be a no magic allowed, no holds barred, single match of…”

The tension in the air is palpable, everyone seems to hold their breath, Luna beaming at you, confident she can defeat you in whatever contest you-”

“Rock Paper Scissors.”

Luna’s grin widens further. “HAH! Foolish Knave, prepare to be defeated at our...hooves…” her grin then slowly diminishes as she looks down at her...hooves. “Oh, Buck.”

Celestia simply places her face in her hooves and issues a low, defeated groan.

Author's Note

And there it is, things are really cooking now! Hope you are all having as much fun as I am!

Anon Procures a Staff Befitting of His Status

You are Anon, first Aufpasser of the Everfree Forest, and god do you need a fucking break.

In the weeks following what the local Ponyville papers had described generously as “possibly the most embarrassing humiliation suffered by Equestrian Royalty since the Changeling Invasion”, you have barely had a moment to yourself.

First thing was first! Of course, you needed to make sure your new digs were in order! Seceding from Equestria and humiliating their rulers had done little to endear you to the citizens of Ponyville, so staying at your old digs much longer was out of the question.

The star spiders were easy enough to deal with, a bit of citrus oil, a little bit of eucalyptus extract (Thanks Zecora), and you managed to get rid of most of them. Enough to make Celestia’s old bedroom livable again. It wasn't much, but it had a roof, and intact windows, and as far as you knew, it now had a lack of spiders, which you very much appreciated.

But now came the hard part, actually getting the place back into decent shape was not going to be an easy task. Certainly not one you were going to accomplish on your own. I mean, fuck, you couldn’t even keep the place clean on your own with how fuckoff massive it was even if it was in top condition. It was on your fourth or fifth attempt to do so anyway and almost getting crushed by falling debris for your troubles that you decided that you were going to need to hire some help.

Unfortunately, again you were on less than good terms with Equestria at large right now, and most ponies would probably not give you the time of day. And that meant you would have to look elsewhere.

You are still very much Anon, and you have just gotten off of an extended flight into the Griffin Empire, or more specifically, the capital city of Griffinstone. Not so much an empire anymore really, more just...a series of craggy, desolate mountainous villages. As it turned out, waging war against Equestria had royally fucked their economy, and with their last official king, Guto, losing some sort of sacred relic to a cyclops, they haven’t been able to recover and have just been languishing in a state of pseudo anarchy. Or at least, that was what you managed to glean out of the ratty ass in-flight pamphlet the Griffin pulling the chariot had conned you into paying two bits for said.

As you walk around the ruined remains of what was probably once a pretty cool mountain city, you see a number of Griffins skulking about, seeming either sorry for themselves or stuck up their own flanks. You attempt to address one of them, an older guy by the looks of it.

“Hey man, I’m looking for-”

“Fuck off monkey.” They don't even look at you, they just keep right on walking like they hadn't said anything at all. God damn, absolutely stone fucking cold. Gotta admit, you kind of admire that, it’s pretty based.

You approach another a few minutes later, a younger fellow, almost young enough to be called a...chick? Cub? Foal. You have no fucking idea with these things, to be honest.

“Hey Lil dude, I’m trying to find out where I can talk to someone in charge here. Can you point me in the right direction?”

He hums softly for a moment, slowly looking you up and down as he scratches his chin with a claw, almost seeming to appraise whether or not you are worth using profanity on. Eventually, he nods, sticking out a claw. “Ten bits, and I’ll tell you what you need to know.”

“...you little fucker.”

Ten bits and some fairly discontented grumbling later, you manage to glean that the sort of de facto leader of the disenfranchised griffin communities seems to be a fellow by the name of Grampa Gruff. He isn't actually anyone's grandpa, apparently. It's more just an honorific title for being Really Fucking Old.

You make your way to where you were told you could find his home, internally swearing up and down to break that kid's leg if he was hustling you as you proceed to knock on the door. You hear clattering and squawking from within, and a particularly miserly, geezerly voice calls out with “Ah fuckin feathers, I’m comin!”

After a brief ruckus and some grumbling, the door opens, and indeed, an incredibly ancient-looking griffin appears from within the decaying hovel. He hacks his lung out before scowling up at you with his one good eye, the other scarred and milky. “And just what do you wa….oh, well if it isn’t the monkey thing what made a laughing stock of those prissy pony princesses.” he still sounds sour, but admittedly significantly less so.

You raise an eyebrow slowly, crossing your arms as you look down at the elder, asking as res[pectfully as you can muster in the face of such old-fuckery. “You’ve...heard of me then?”

“Well of course I’ve bloody heard of ya! You’re all the young folks about town have been talkin’ about all bloody week! Challenging a pony to rock paper scissors, I can’t believe they fell for the oldest one in the book!” he actually looks...a bit happy as he basks in the thought of their misery.

“Really now? I’m surprised, most people just told me to fuck off, and the ones that were willing to help charged me like, ten bits.”

The old griffin cackled softly at this, slapping your back. “My boy, we’re Griffins! An actual verbal response and ten bits for directions is practically a hero’s fucking welcome in these parts!”

You decide this is an excellent opportunity to press your luck and see how far your reputation can get you here. “Well, if you are interested, I was actually looking for some griffin folk in the market to make a few bits to help me rub some salt in the wound if you’d be game.”

He perks slightly more at the mention of bits, his grin becoming a bit more cynical, but no less pleased as he eyes you up appraisingly. “Really now, ya don’t say. Why don’t you come in, and tell me what you had in mind? I can’t guarantee anything of course, but if you slide a few of those bits my way, I can see about trying to convince some of the others to buy what you’re selling...”

You are, yup, still Anonymous, and boy did you get fucking lucky. As it turns out, there are two things that motivate a griffin more than anything else, Pure Unadulterated Spite, and the potential for profit. You just so happened to tap into both of those things with your...little proposal.

It was simple enough. You wanted about twenty or so Griffins to head back to the Everfree with you to help you renovate the castle and tend the grounds. In return for maintenance and defense of your property, you offered to grant the Griffins permission to settle the land in the proximity of the castle and to provide those settlers with Citizenship.

You are currently going down a fairly lengthy list of things to do with your...Lieutenants? Right claw griffins? They certainly seemed like the most dependable of the bunch. One is a male, going by the name of Gallus, who despite being quadrupedal and a bird cat creature, you can only describe as being a twink. He has a laid-back, sort of smarmy sarcastic way about him, but he’s intelligent from what you can glean, and he seems happy to be out here. Or well, anywhere but Griffonstone, for that matter. You have to admit, you see a bit of yourself in that attitude and you like the cut of his jib.

The other is a female, Gilda. You sort of remember her from that one time she visited Ponyville, but the two of you didn’t talk that much. Probably for the best that she doesn’t associate you with that visit, to be honest. She’s hotheaded, and honestly sort of downright nasty, and not in the hot way. But she’s ambitious and has that can-do attitude that only comes from really fucking hating someone's guts.

“Alright, Gallus, you are in charge of Alpha Team, you guys are going to be clearing rubble and preparing the way for me and Beta Team to come in and start repairs. Gilda, you’re Gamma Team. Get out there and keep an eye on the perimeter, let me know if anyone or anything that I would want to know about gets too close, and see if you can score dinner while you're at it. It’s been a long trip and I am sure we could all use something roasted and juicy.”

The two of them seem to understand their tasks well enough. Gallus gives a sort of mocking salute, rolling his eyes a tad as he stalks up to go gather his crew. “Yeah yeah, let’s get this over with…”

Gilda seems a bit more energetic, taking to the sky in front of you and licking her chops. “Hah, leave it to me Anon, Nothing is gonna get past us! As for the meat, I’ll try to save you some scraps, but no promises~” She taunts as she swoops off to go and see to her own group. God these birds are based as fuck, you kinda really dig it.

You give a soft sigh, looking over at the castle. It’s going to be a lot of work getting this place in working order. And then you’ll have to supervise the construction of proper housing outside of the castle proper for the next wave of settlers.

You just wanted some quiet, for God’s sake. Why does everything in horseyland have to be such a fucking ordeal.

Author's Note

And in we go to arc two! now that he has the land, he has to see to it that everything is in order. After all, managing this much territory certainly isn't a one Anon job, is it?

Anon Once More Engages in Advanced Diplomatic Tactics: Part Two

Let me check real quick….yeah, you are indeed still Aufpasser Anonymous, Leader of the Federation of the Ever Free, and you are currently waiting at the front gate of the Greenfeather Wall for some very important guests to arrive. Not important to you, mind. More just important in the general sense. Honestly, you’d be happy if they decided to just leave you the fuck alone for a while. You almost have everything the way you want it around here. You can practically hear the river pattering softly as you enjoy some well-earned peace and quiet. Or that might just be the actual river not too far from here.

But it seems that your lazy riverside afternoon will have to wait for just a bit longer, as it always does since you moved out here. For now, you are stationed outside of the gates, Gallus standing by beside you as you wait for your guests to arrive.

And arrive they do. You hear the sounds of hoofsteps before you see them, approximately ten guards in formation surrounding an ornate carriage coming up the way, five lunar and five solar by the looks of them, each unit having two pegasi (or thestrals for the nightguards), two earth ponies and a single unicorn. One of which is assisting the other to pull the vehicle, the other two seeming to be patrolling from above as best they can in the heavy tree cover. The Earth ponies are taking point, leading up the procession, with the unicorns behind.

You sigh softly and give a small smile. It seemed the sisters had at least taken your advice on proper teamcomp into consideration after the guard got curb-stomped at the changeling invasion. Now if only they had paid attention when you pointed out that cadence’s aura isn't supposed to be fucking green.

But that is enough reminiscing, you have some business to attend to. You stand a bit straighter, and gently elbow Gallus, who had been nonchalantly inspecting his claws for dirt, causing him to give a small squawk and straighten up a bit as well, glaring softly at you before putting his attention forwards.

The lot of them stop about fifty feet away from you, the unicorns each drawing a horn of silver and gold respectively from their sides and blowing a short tune as the Pegasi land, giving what seems to be an all-clear signal as the Earth Ponies ring out in announcement.

“Announcing the arrival of Princess Regnant Celestia Morningstar, The Dawnbringer, Arbiter of Justice, First of Her Name.

Princess Regnant Luna Moonshadow, Herald of the Night Mistress of Dreams, First of Her Name.

Princess Twilight Sparkle, Keeper of the Fire of Friendship, Order of Starswirl: Second Class, Bearer of the Element of Magic.”

As each name is listed, each princess extrudes herself from the carriage. Celestis steps out smiling softly at you in that seemingly eternally patient, kind way of hers, giving a small nod of recognition. Luna follows, looking somewhat less pleased to be here, eyeing you down cooly as she slowly struts to stand next to her sister.

Twilight is….not here it seems, nowhere to be found. You shrug and look to Gallus, nodding. “Go on man, do the fuckin uh...introduction thing. Can’t be caught lacking in front of the guests.”

Gallus shrugs and clears his throat as he steps forward, mustering an intro with all of the enthusiasm of a waiting room minder in a dentist's office. “Presenting, the First Aufpasser of the Federation of the Ever Free, Aufpasser Anonymous, Tamer of the Woodland, Master of the Nameless Castle, and Chooser of Paper.”

Luna audibly sucks air at this last title, glaring a bit more intently from beside her sister, who shoots her a quick stern look before stepping forward to come closer to you. “Ah yes. Greetings, Aufpasser Anonymous. I am glad to see your new home is thriving already. Thank you very much for returning most of our old regalia, by the by. That was admittedly an unexpected outcome, but not an unwelcome one.”

You smile and wave your hand, shaking your head. “Please, Anon will suffice for me if Celestia will suffice for you, Princess. My title basically translates to chaperone for a reason, I’m just here to make sure no one burns down the place trying to make a hot pocket or something.” You half-joke as you look the princess in the eye.

Luna decides to cut in here, walking forward now as well with a haughty look in her eyes. “We would say that informality does seem to be the appropriate name for the contest this day, Aufpasser. We arrived with a proper Royal procession, however small, yet you greet us alone without even a token force for your defense. Do you consider us so unworthy of consideration as to find us harmless?”

You tilt your head for a moment, seeming confused before a look of realization crosses your face. “Ah! Oh, no, we have guys everywhere. Sorry for the confusion. Here, lemme just…”

You reach into one of your pockets and pull out a small wooden whistle, putting it to your lips and blowing, a sound strongly resembling one of the local songbirds emitting from the device in three puffs.

Luna seems….less than impressed by this, and opens her mouth to speak again when suddenly, every other within about thirty meters of you begins to softly rustle, a multitude of similar whistles sounding out in unison. Afterwards, about two dozen griffins sporting green berets and vests, wearing camp paint on their faces drop from the branches as if by magic, standing at attention.

Luna’s mouth clicks shut again as she sees this, her eyes widening slightly. Celestia seems slightly unsettled by this as well, but she's sure doing her damnedest not to show it. “I see, well it is certainly impressive that you have managed to get a fighting force into shape this quickly, I will hand you that, Anonymous.”

A rough female voice cuts through and interrupts. “You can thank me for that, actually,” it says proudly as a final griffin drops from a nearby tree, her beret sporting the Golden Boughs. “At ease losers.” She says, waving at the troops, who relax slightly in their posture.

You smile as the female walks over to join you at the side opposite of Gallus, slapping her on the back gently. “Ayyy, Gilda. Good going, you totally fucking nailed that whole “Coming out of the trees, welcome to ‘Nam” Aesthetic.” You say jovially.

She tries to scowl at you, but is not terribly convincing, her tail high in the air, the fluffy tip twitching slightly in an obvious feline sign of contentment. “Can it, loser. I don’t care what you think…” she says as she looks away from you with a small huff.

You smile wider and cross your arms, gesturing at her with your head as you look over at the princesses. “God, these griffins are so fucking great huh? Got that whole tsundere thing going for em.”

Celestia raises an eyebrow, giving you a questioning look. “I...see.”

The awkward moment is broken by a flash of light. A very frazzled Sparklebutt emerging from the epicenter and trotting over to meet the other princesses. “I'm so, so sorry I’m late! I had to help the girls with another bugbe-”

Twilight stops mid apology as she sees she is surrounded by griffins in military outfits, seeming a bit worried for a moment until Cakeflanks reassures her. “Twilight, thank you for joining us. Anonymous was just playing a little joke on us, it seems. You know better than anypony how he can be.”

Twilight relaxes, rolling her eyes, eyeing up Gilda slowly, not even seeming surprised that she is somehow involved in all of this. “Oh, definitely…”

You clear your throat and decide to move things along. “In any case, I think we can move things along. Gilda, please dismiss most of them back to their posts, We only need a few for this.”

She nods and snaps at her troops. “Alright, dipshits, you heard the monkey, fuck back off to your posts, except for you lot there,” she says, pointing a claw at about five of the griffons, the rest of them saluting with a claw crossed over their chest before disappearing quickly back into the foliage with barely a trace in mere moments.

The remaining griffins move quickly into formation around you with Gilda, and you give a small, satisfied nod.

"Excellent. Now how about we head back to the castle hm? Gustav has been working all afternoon, you remember him from the National Dessert Competition, yes?” You say as you turn and walk, beckoning for the rest to follow with a shit-eating grin barely kept off of your face. You can hardly wait until you whip that out during the negotiations. But that will have to wait. First, you let them eat cake.

Author's Note

Part two of probably three, getting a bit warmer, soon, it will all come together >:3

Anon Once More Engages in Advanced Diplomatic Tactics: Part Three

You are Aufpasser Anonymous, and it seems like you are going to have a long evening ahead of you.

You have successfully navigated the initial portion of your first official diplomatic encounter, the greeting. Welcoming the princesses to your newly founded land went smoothly enough. You even got to tease them a bit, which is of course always a bonus.

You and Gallus are currently in the process of walking them towards the front gates of your castle. The lot of you heading through the village, garnering a mix of a few mildly curious, somewhat disdainful, and disinterested looks from your settlers.

Celestia tries her best to muster a sincere smile and waves at your subjects, looking back to you and speaking quietly enough so they would hopefully not hear. “Anonymous, are your subjects always so...cool in demeanor?”

You shake your head, waving her statement away with one hand. “I wouldn’t call them subjects persay. I prefer to think of them as...cohabitants, ya know? We just help each other out and we all get something out of it. But nah, they aren't always like this. Sometimes they get pissed off and that’s a pretty different set of attitudes.” You half-joke, getting a slight eyebrow raise of concern out of the princess before you continue. “But nah, don’t sweat it. Griffin culture is pretty different from pony culture. They are just curious is all. Just be thankful you have a guide, or they might have pressed you for bits to get directions to the castle.”

“And why, prithee, did you decide that these...folk, would be an appropriate choice to settle these lands, Anonymous? Surely, you are aware of Our...contentious history with the griffin Empire.?” Luna said coolly.

Yeah, she was definitely mad butthurt about this, which was the point, so hey, good shit. You shrug and nod. “Yeah, I know. But They are pretty close by, so it was easier to establish diplomatic ties with them than, say, the minotaurs. I was actually considering several other candidates, but they would have required a more concerted effort.” You still needed to see about making a trip out to visit the Diamond Dog burrows outside of Ponyville, speaking of. “Plus, the griffins based as fuck, and I personally really enjoy their company. We all just sort of...get it, ya know?”

As you drop the B-word again, Luna gives a small grimace and shakes her head. “No, We do not know, thankfully. As much as it pains us to see Our old home swarming with griffins, things around her certainly look like they are running smoothly, We must give you that…”

“Indeed, I am quite surprised you have gotten things together so quickly,” Celestia remarked as the bunch of you continued to slowly progress towards the castle, which now loomed on the horizon, still a good ten minutes or so off. “I would have thought that development would surely have been delayed by some of the forest’s more...problematic elements.”

“Well, yeah, what do you think the wall is for?” You say with a small cackle as you gesture back towards the gate. “ But yeah, I guess the entire place reeking of hungry predators probably makes most of the beasties out here think twice about poking their heads in. These guys can get absolutely fuckin nasty when they need to. “ You say as you gesture to Gallus, who has been sauntering beside you quietly the entire time, seeming content to hold his peace for now.

“I am sure they can…” Luna says softly under her breath, her eyes diverting towards and away as her ears press to the top of her head in mild displeasure.

Twilight interjects next. “Well, I for one find it quite inspiring the way you have such an accepting view of the griffin cultural values. Though I suppose that they seem pretty similar to what was considered normal and acceptable in your own homeland, from what your books have to say about it.”

“Hah! Twiggles, you have no idea, being around these guys is almost as good as being back home again sometimes.” You say, giving Gallus a pat on the back. He grumbles softly at the touch but does not seem terribly put off by it, giving a small smirk when he thinks you are not looking. You totally saw it though, but you’ll be a bro this time and not rag on him for it.

He actually decides to pipe up at this point. “Yeah, well, I guess we don't think you are all that bad yourself, for a...whatever the hell you’re supposed to be. I mean it beats moping around all day in Griffonstone by a longshot,” he says with a slight roll of his eyes as his tail gives a little flick.

“Damn right it does, that place is a fucking trainwreck.” You say in that blunt way you are so well known for, nodding and acknowledging his input.

As you continue to walk down what would equate to a main street towards the castle, a small griffin chick tugs at his mother, pointing at us “Look, mom! The Aufpasser is with those mares from the statue!”

Celestia’s pupils contract slightly at this comment, while Luna and twilight both look fairly taken aback at this. Sunbutt is the first to recover enough to ask. “Anonymous, what statue might they be referring to?”

“Oh! They are probably referring to the one I had commissioned to commemorate the founding of the Ever free Federation. It’ll be in front of the castle, you should be able to see it soon.” You say with a handwave, giving that all too familiar shit-eating grin that the princesses were quickly learning to dread.

And true to your word the statue soon came into view, and what a marvelous view it was! Hewn from solid rock was a statue of you and Luna standing opposite one another, with Luna holding out a hoof with a deeply ashamed look on her face as you hold out a hand outstretched and open-palmed towards her, a powerful confident look on your face. Celestia in the depiction for her part seems quite disappointed, but not surprised. Twilight, Cadence, and Shining are also there, but smaller and much more crudely sculpted, as if they were tacked on as an afterthought. Which they were.

“Prithee, Aufpasser, why the BUCK is this...something which exists?” Luna asks through grated teeth as she gets closer to the statue to inspect it.

“Oh! I just thought that it would be appropriate to give you the credit you deserved as a vital participant in our founding! I mean, I am sure there would have been a more lengthy and boring legal shitshow if not for that challenge stunt you pulled. We really owe you a lot for your help.” You say in a way that absolutely drips with your amusement as you look over the statue. “I would even go so far as to say you could be considered a national hero around these parts, neat huh?”

You can see how difficult it is for Luna to maintain a facade of courtesy at this point, and damn is she really giving it her best shot. You can hear her teeth grind softly between her words as she stares at you with bloody murder thinly veiled in her expression. “Why yes, that is...lovely, Aufpasser, We are flattered that you and your people consider Us to be of such historical significance…”

Gallus is chuckling softly at this, doing a poor job of hiding it if he’s even trying to at all. Celestia can sense the danger at hoof and clears her throat, gently pushing her sister away from the statue, a shallow divot left in the road where her hooves push the soil aside as she is moved away from the source of her rage. “Well, that is all wonderful, but if I recall we do have official diplomatic business to attend to. Anonymous, would you be so kind as to finish escorting us to the castle proper?”

You only grin wider, sending a small shiver down her spine as you give a nod. “Oh, of course, Celestia. Please, right this way…”

You now find yourself sat comfortably in the castle's communal dining area. This is where you and the rest of the castle staff will generally find yourselves having your meals together. Though that will not be for another hour or two, so for now, the place is cleared out, perfect for a calm, candid discussion between peers.

Gustav has outdone himself and has provided you and your guests with a wonderful recipe he dubbed “Everfree Gateaux”. You weren't quite sure what all was in it, but it was fruity, heavy, and creamy and you found yourself quite partial to it.

Celestia also seemed quite partial to it, judging by the three empty plates beside her spot at the table. She wiped her mouth daintily with a napkin and spoke. “My compliments to the chef, Anonymous, please do let Gustav know that his work is even better than when I last sampled it at the national Dessert Contest.”

“Oh, I am sure he will be delighted to hear that.” You say cordially as you wash down the last bite of your first plate with a glass of milk.

Luna, who has taken a few (dozen) begrudging bites of her own serving, interjects as well. “While We do find the confections to be acceptable, We would prefer to finish this business as quickly as possible. We will need to move the heavenly bodies for the evening soon, and We would prefer to do so in the comfort of Our own abode. Twilight Sparkle, if you would be so kind?”

Twilight, who had been in the midst of a second plate, spoon in her mouth, allowed her eyes to snap open as she gave a small muffled noise, quickly pulling the spoon from her mouth and placing it beside the dish as she hurriedly called over one of their guards with a saddlebag. She dug through it until she pulled out a scroll, unfurling it and clearing her throat to read. “Ahem...the formal requests made by the Equestrian Crown to the Aufpasser of the Federation of the Ever Free are as follows:

We request access to the mystical landmark known as the tree of Harmony, both on the grounds of substantial cultural significance and required access being pivotal to the function of the Elements of Harmony.

We request continued access to the portal leading to Tartarus, as access is vital to ensure the continued proper humane care and supervision of the prisoners within who are the responsibility of the Crown.

We request the relinquishment to the Equestrian Crown, any Equestrian artifacts which may remain in the possession of Aufpasser Anonymous and his officials.

We request permission to establish an official Equestrian Embassy within the borders of the Federation of the Everfree, preferably within proximity to the Nameless Castle, so that we may offer our aid and friendship to any within your country who may seek it.

As she rolls up the scroll and puts it away, the other two princesses give her an approving nod, with Celestia now addressing you once more. “I think that everything we have asked of you is quite reasonable, Anonymous.”

You nod and shrug, slowly pulling a somewhat tattered piece of paper from your pocket, uncrumpling it and handing it to Gallus, who gives you a small judgemental look before smoothing it out as you speak. “I hope you do not mind, but I also came up with a few requests that I would like to present you with.” You say as you signal to Gallus to read them aloud with a wave of your hand, who clicks his tongue softly but complies.
“We the people of the Federation of the Ever Free make the following requests of the Equestrian Crown.

We request unfettered and open trade and travel between the Federation of the Ever Free and the Kingdom of Equestria, effective immediately.

We request formal recognition of our sovereignty by Princess Luna, via Roya Decree in the city of Canterlot.

We request...huh…?”

You smile softly and wave your hand at him. “Hey now, go ahead, I know what I wrote.”

Gallus nods slowly, continuing.

“3. We request the return of the magical artifact known as the Crown of Grover, which was wrongfully kept as a trophy of the Wars of Blood and Soil, to the People of the Griffin Empire.

We request permission to establish an embassy on equestrian soil, preferably within proximity to Canterlot, with a second built within the confines of Ponyville, to facilitate trade with local businesses.

We request the formal backing of the Equestrian Crown in our attempt to become an acting member of the I.S.B.A. Coalition, the acting international regulatory body of Eqqus.

We request….’Big Booty Bitches’

...okay but why” Gallus says as he crumples the paper back into a ball and throws it at you as you cackle like a madman.

Celestia gives a long-suffering sigh and slowly nods. I...suppose some of these demands are reasonable enough considering the circumstances. But I am afraid Request number 3 is out of the question.”

“And We will certainly not subject Ourselves to Number 2. You can expel that notion from your mind forthwith.” Luna spits somewhat harshly at you as she eyes you down. Poor Twilight is just sort of lost at this point, and is quietly eating her dessert while she lets the grown-ups talk.

You smile wider as they respond, eyes gleaming wickedly. “Ah, I had a feeling you might say that, which is why I have prepared this…” You say as you snap your fingers, a member of the castle staff padding in quickly to hand you a very old looking book before you hand them a bit and they scurry back out.

Both Celestia and Luna’s eyes widen as they see what you have in your hand and you chuckle. “Ah, I see you already know what this is, but I shall elaborate in case Twilight is unaware. This is one of the artifacts that they were requesting from us. One of several dozen volumes of their personal diaries, dating back to their youngest years.” You say as you slowly open to a random page. “If my demands are not met in full, I will publish these volumes and distribute them internationally.”

“YOU FIEND, YOU VILE CAD, YOU VILLAIN!” Luna exclaims as she tries to leap at you. She is restrained by both Celestia and Twilight, though Celestia seems to be doing so only begrudgingly, her expression belying that her feelings on the matter are quite similar to those of her sisters.

Eventually, they manage to restrain Luna with the help of the Guards and a few of your Rangers, who heard the ruckus and came to your aid. She sits seething, wearing a straight jacket, a horn binder, and a muzzle that you certainly do not remember having handy within the castle. They must have brought it with them, which is admittedly slightly concerning.

Celestia clears her throat, face flushed from exertion as well as from being fairly flustered, which is evident in her tone. “Now Anonymous, this is a bit much. Surely you realize how intimate of a medium a mares diary of her private musings is. I am sure there is no need to resort to-”

You clear your throat, opening to a random page once more as you begin to read, cutting her off. “Dear Diary. Today I saw that one fairly handsome guard in the garden today. I still have not managed to catch his name, but I am determined to at least catch his attention. I flagged my tail at him again today, but he did not seem to-”

Twilight is currently covering her ear with her hooves and repeatedly going “LALALALALALALALALALA I CANNOT HEAR I AM DEAF” while Luna quakes in her restraints, the fabric groaning under the stress as she glares death at you. Celestia is starting to look a bit more uncomposed “A-Anon, that is enough, please-”

“Dear Diary, Today Luna made fun of me again for having fat flanks. But I think she and her tiny butt are just jealous that the ponies all like the sun better than the moon, maybe one day she will be able to have nice full flanks like-”

“Anonymous PLEASE! Have some decency! I-I’ll consider your-”

“DEAR DIARY, TODAY I FINALLY GOT THAT GUARD TO GIVE ME SOME OF THAT SWEET D-”

“ANONYMOUS PLEASE! I-I CONCEDE TO YOUR DEMANDS!” Celestia says, dropping to her knees before you, tears in her eyes as Gallus rolls on the floor laughing like a madman. “I- I shall do as you ask of us, please just have mercy, no more!” Celestia says, her mane frazzled as she sniffles and wipes at her eyes

You smirk down at her, closing the book with a triumphant chuckle. “I know you will Celly. Now, let’s get this agreement drafted up, shall we?

You are Aufpasser Anonymous, and Today is a good day to be you. You have managed to get the princesses to unanimously agree to your demands. Even Luna was willing to agree, once she was released and after challenging you once again, was crushed in a thumb wrestling match. You were kind enough to agree to keep it between the lot of you, however. You certainly made no promises on Gallus’ behalf though.

Once it was all over and done with, the Princess beat a hasty exit from the premises, wasting no time in returning to their homes to lick their wounds, leaving you with a document securing your desires in hand, and quite a hilarious memory to look back on.

When they had gone, Gallus turned to you, an eyebrow raised “Geez, man, that was absolutely brutal. I didn’t know you had that in you.” he said, gently punching your shoulder.

You shrug and smile down at him, giving a satisfied look. “Well, what can I say, something about those mares just makes me want to fuck with them. And hey, after all the shit I have had to put up with in Ponyville, I consider it fair play.”

Gallus seems to take this as reasonable, and you dismiss him for the evening so you can be alone. You go back to your chambers and place the valuable volume on your personal bookshelf, alongside all of the others, content with your victory as you grab your fishing pole and, for the first time in months, set out to the river. The sun should be setting soon, it’ll be the perfect atmosphere for a bit of relaxation by the riverside.

Author's Note

There it is! I hope that the wait was worth it! I had a lot of suggestions that I was all too happy to work into this chapter from several sources, and I hope that you enjoyed my implementation!

Anon Once More Engages in Advanced Diplomatic Tactics: Part One.

You are Aufpasser Anonymous of the Federation of the Ever Free, and fuck do you want a nap.

It has been about two months since the griffins arrived. The renovations are complete and the castle fully staffed by an adequate, if occasionally quite gruff staff of griffins. All of the old regime's regalia has been removed in favor of banners bearing your own personal standard.

Where once Solar and Lunar banners flew tattered and disheveled, the Golden Boughs of Ever Free waved proudly in the breeze. You had even been nice enough to have most of their old regalia and the like delivered back to them.

The structure itself is no longer in danger of collapsing at any moment. Aside from a few stained-glass windows here and there you decided were not worth replacing, for the time being, everything is ship-shape.

The Griffins, true to their word, have sent a second wave of settlers in the following months, who have settled in around the castle grounds to form the newly founded Village of Greenfeather, with a bustling population of about fifty and as word spreads through the griffin lands of your swift progress, You actually currently find yourself in talks with local leaders to annex small portions of the Griffin Empire to expedite getting more of the feisty feathered folks under your jurisdiction, with more of them coming forth with similar requests every day.

As much as you don’t want to take on even more work, you can’t just let these sad lost, sassy birbs muck about pitifully in their own self-inflicted squalor if you can help them. And as much as they like to gripe and moan, having a leader who wants to improve their living conditions seems to have given them a bit of that old Pre-Guto spark back.

You currently sit in what was formerly the throne room of the newly Dubbed Nameless Castle, perched on a simple but very comfortable office chair, behind a fairly nice desk. The desk is Mahogany, very fine material, very expensive. Or it would be if you did not live in an actual forest.

You find yourself listening to a report from Gallus, who you have dubbed your Beobachter of Internal Affairs. Which considering the scope of your current population mostly entails informing you of pending repairs, new structures and roads being erected and planned, and the general goings-on in your neck of the woods, pun intended.

“Construction of the wall surrounding the village is going pretty alright, some nerd told me it should be finished by the end of summer.” The little twink borb said with a small shrug as he eyed you somewhat casually, lazily even. “Zecora wrote back yesterday and said she would be down to integrate into Federal Territory to take that advisory position, and accepted your proposal of…” he pulled what you presume to be the letter in question from out of a saddlebag. “Unlimited Z-word pass in exchange for perpetual tax exemption.”

You smile wider at this, rubbing your hands together as you motion for him to hand you the letter. He rolls his eyes and does so, and you quickly open a drawer and squirrel the evidence of your newfound immense power away in a folder for later. “Excellent work, Gallus, and what of Captain Gilda? How goes the ongoing training of the Ever Free Rangers?”

“It goes just fine, you big pink dweeb.” A somewhat harsh female voice sounds out as the griffin girl in question popped her way into your meeting room, sporting a green vest and beret sporting the Golden Boughs “Everyone seems to be getting used to flying in the forest pretty quickly. But what else can you expect with a bad to the bone babe like me at the helm.” She said, puffing out her chest a bit and looking quite pleased with herself. You had been right in your assumption it seemed. Giving her a position where she could bark out orders and point out other people's or er, griffin's shortcomings all day had really brought out her good qualities.

“Excellent work, Captain. Proceed with normal patrols as scheduled but please make sure that extra forces are deployed routinely to protect the workers at the unfinished portions of the wall. A lot of nasty customers out here after all. I’d hate for one of them to get what they came for.”

“Ych, don’t tell me how to do my job, lame-o.” She said as she turned her beak up at you and walked away. Her tail swaying in a catlike manner which belied her actual pleasure at the praise as she stalked off. You smile softly and wave her off before turning your attention back to Gallus. “Anything else I should know about?”

“Huh? Oh yeah, some blonde pony with fucked up eyes brought you this letter, seems pretty important,” he said as he pulled out an envelope featuring the seal of the Equestrian Crown.

Your eyes widen as you reach across your desk and snatch it right out of his claw, garnering a surprising squawk from them. “Well shit Gallus, lead with that next time!” you said as you quickly opened the envelope and pulled the letter out, reading it.

Anonymous,

I hope that this letter finds you well. I once again apologize for the conduct of Princess Luna at our last meeting. Though I suppose considering your current position you do not consider it something requiring an apology. Knowing you, you probably found it incredibly funny.

I would also like to thank you on behalf of the sisters for returning the bulk of the relics myself and my friends cataloged during our own visit to the castle, which as I have been quite sternly informed by several lawyers, did not constitute a substantial claim to the grounds due to the unofficial and brief nature of our visitation and a lack of distinct purposeful claim to ownership at the time of said visitation. Under I.S.B.A. Guidelines. Celestia seemed quite pleased with the offering, while Luna seemed...less than thrilled when she found a griffin feather in one of the boxes. Fortunately, with the aid of several doses of muscle relaxant, Celestia and several medical professionals were able to dissuade her from an immediate declaration of war.

In any case, I wished to inform you that Myself, Princess Celestia, and yes, Princess Luna will be making a trip out to Greenfeather to have a meeting with you in regards to several key resources the crown wishes to negotiate with you in regards to gaining continued access to in the face of your newfound ownership. We will be arriving this afternoon and are eager to get this all settled and out of the way.

Warmest Regards from your friend, Princess Twilight Sparkle.

P.S. - I have to admit, the way you got one over on Luna was kind of funny.

You smirk and pump your fist, pleased with the closer of the letter before your eyes go wide and realization strikes. “Ah fuck! They’ll be here in a few hours! Gallus, go tell Gustave to get his ass in gear and get some cake ready for Sunbutt and let Gilda know we should be expecting guests at the gate. I’ll round up a posse to roll out the welcome wagon.” You say clapping your hands as you bolt out of your chair, the two of you scattering with Gallus giving a disgruntled “ugh.” as he scampers off and you see to it that you at least give the appearance of having prepared for your guests' arrivals properly.

You smile deviously to yourself, rubbing your hands together as you make your way down the hall. On the bright side. This did give you the opportunity to do your second favorite activity aside from, doing nothing: dunking on royalty. Now, where did you put that thing…

Author's Note

And another one! I am doing my best to keep each chapter focused on one story beat, short and to the point, nice and focused, so please don't mind the cliffhangers!