Trepidation

by Bicyclette

Rating: teen
Tags: Death, Drama, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Starlight Glimmer, Romance, Trixie
Length: 2903

The world is ending, and Starlight has a plan to escape. But she needs to convince Trixie to come with her.

Longdesc

There's nothing left that can save Equestria. Not Discord, not Celestia, not Luna, not Cadance, not Princess Flurry Heart. But their presence can at least buy Starlight Glimmer time to escape. She just needs to convince Trixie to come with her.

Info

An entry into the Pride and Positivity event.
The first draft of this fic was the third-place winner in the Quills and Sofas Speedwriting T is for Trans contest.
The first draft of this fic was a submission for a prompt from Bean's Writing Group Discord server, "Five Minutes Too Late". Thanks to Bean and RanOutOfIdeas for their feedback.

Thanks to The Sleepless Beholder for prereading on the second draft.

Published 2021-06-29 14:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-06-29 14:40:00 UTC

Trepidation

What would you take with you if your house was burning down?

For Starlight, that question had an easy answer. Her houseplant, Phyllis, long relocated to the end table by her bedside. She wasn’t one to be very attached to material possessions. The only other thing she would even consider needing to save would be the photographs that adorned the mirror that Twilight had given her as a present, years ago. And thinking about that now…

What would you take with you if your universe was burning down?

For Starlight, that question had an easy answer, too. It was what she was towing behind her right now, in a pink bubble of magical energy, trying to keep its trajectory as smooth as she could make it for what was inside as she galloped at full speed past the boundaries of Ponyville.

At last, she was close enough to the point where she could make the blind teleport safely, and she did so, displacing the air around her and the bubble with a pop. When the world reappeared, she was in a place that was both familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. Nocreature had been in this cavern since, well, since they buried the pony who used to live here in a peat bog just outside a rock farm. Not too long ago, all things considered. But the mushrooms and crystals that sprouted from every surface had already reclaimed the bits of furniture and neat little architectural flourishes that had once made the space so livable.

Wasting no time, Starlight used the force of her magic to dig in the spot where she had buried the device, sighing with relief as she uncovered the glint of metal. Unearthing the steel case stamped with the image of a horseshoe in a golden circle, she undid its clasps and opened it to see that, indeed, everything she needed was there. Only now did she allow herself to look back at the pink bubble she kept hovering behind her. She was glad. The frightened blue unicorn inside was just so very precious to her. She could not bear the idea of having to kill them both.

With a glow of her horn, she unmade the bubble. Trixie gasped as she landed on the ground in a tangle of limbs, clearly trying not to hyperventilate. Starlight wrapped her in a hug, but only allowed herself a few precious seconds. She then turned around and began focusing her attention on the device components in front of her, doing the delicate work of attaching the crystals one by one with her aura.

She did not need to use much of her focus for this most important task, as the unicorn version of muscle memory took over the process for her. This allowed her to do the multitasking she needed, keeping an eye on the amount of time she had left; the milestones she would have to reach for each step of the contingency. Not, as one would expect, by keeping her literal eye on the ticking of the watch that was prominently displayed in its position in the open case in front of her. The contingency’s predictable course relied on a different timetable—a different hierarchy from the one that made seconds inevitably lead up to seconds, minutes into minutes. The hierarchy she kept in her mind’s eye: the distant presence of the few magical beings on the planet more powerful than she was, in order of strength.

But there was another task, too, one just as important to her as the mission. A part of her mind kept itself on the presence of Trixie, who by the pace of her hoofsteps was timidly approaching her from behind. Who by the pace of her breathing was trying not to let the panic overwhelm her. Trying not to hyperventilate. Starlight imagined her wincing as her lips moved, daring to ask a question at what was such a critical time.

“Is that what’s going to save Equestria?”

Starlight cringed, though she did not take her attention away from the device, even for a half-moment. It was as she had feared. Trixie hadn’t really absorbed the hurried, gasped sentences that Starlight had shouted at her before wrapping her up in that bubble and running off. Or maybe, in her own panic, she had simply not been saying anything coherent. Either way, she would have to break the bad news a second time.

“It’s not, Trixie. Nothing can save Equestria now.”

Oh, how she wished this were just another Changeling takeover! How the bad news was merely that the Princesses were all neutralized and taken away by a known enemy. Instead of—

“Wh-what do you mean, Starlight?” Trixie was clearly trying, but failing, to keep the panic from her voice. “Princess Celestia—”

“Princess Celestia is dead. At least, She will be soon.” Her mind’s eye checked in on that distant presence, the feeling of warm sunlight. “Celestia will be next, up in Canterlot, seeing that Discord should be right about gone, now. Then Princess Luna, up in Silver Shoals. Then Cadance and Flurry Heart up in the Crystal Empire.” Starlight frowned. “If only it had happened in Canterlot instead of Ponyville. If we’d had enough time to get to Pinkie, she could have bought us minutes, even hours. Maybe even saved us.”

“Pinkie?” Trixie puzzled, holding on to the most bizarre of the many bizarre things she was being asked to absorb right now. But she realized that wasn’t the important thing quickly enough. “Wait, what are you talking about? Why are we even here if it’s not to save Equestria?”

“It’s not to fight back. It’s to escape. There.”

Starlight smiled as she finished her assembly and turned on the device, which began to charge itself from the crystals with a hum. At last, she could turn around to look at Trixie.

“That’s why we took all that time to destroy the remaining portals to the human world. That’s why they never told Her that there was one we saved. That’s why only I was allowed to know its location.”

“Escape?” Trixie frowned. “To the human world?”

“Yes! This one’s designed to be weak. It can only take so much magic going through it before it self-destructs. Certainly not enough for Her to follow us. Then there won’t be any bridges left. We’ll be safe there. Even from Her.”

The hum of the device intensified as Starlight took a memory crystal from its spot in the case and held it in front of her. “The contingent was always for me to go by myself with this, for the Celestia on the other side. It’s too late for our world, but maybe we can help the other Equestrias prevent what happened here in theirs. But they overengineered it, with almost enough capacity to be sure it could take two ponies. They were too paranoid about safety tolerances to let me officially take a plus one, but here we are. I can save us both!” She smiled at Trixie, but did not get the expected relieved smile in return.

“But what about Equestria? What about Sunburst? And Mudbriar? And Apple Bloom? And—“

“They’re dead, Trixie. Or they might as well be! Whatever unknowable ends She has for all of them now, that is their fate.”

She winced, immediately regretting the way she practically spat out those words.

In a softer voice, “I know, Trixie. I really wish I could take them all with me. Take all of Equestria. And thinking of making this choice as choosing to leave everyone else behind makes it seem so cruel. But if I could only choose one, of course I would choose my marefriend! And it’s awful, thinking about all we’re going to lose today. But at the very least, we can save each other.”

Again, she did not get the reaction she was expecting. She saw the panic building up in Trixie’s eyes. The hesitant frown.

“Can you just go without me?”

“Trixie…” Starlight winced, as she felt the warm presence of Celestia blink out of her mindscape, and could suddenly feel the chill air of the cavern around them. “Trixie, what are you talking about?”

“You said that you could ‘almost’ be sure that thing could take two ponies. Wouldn’t it be better to go by yourself, then? Just to make sure it’s safe?”

“Trixie!” Starlight couldn’t believe this. “Since when were you the kind of mare to care about engineering tolerances?”

Trixie frowned. “Well, you know, isn’t it better to be safe than sorry?”

The increasing hum of the device filled the silence between them, and Starlight looked at the memory crystal still floating in her aura, its presence denting the magical aether in her mind’s eye with its gravity well. Not nearly as much as hers or Trixie’s but still visible on their scale. The contingency. The question she had asked herself many times over the years since it had been trusted to her; since she had made a contingency of her own. The question she had hoped she would never have to answer. Which one was more important?

It turned out that she’d had nothing to fear. The answer came quick and easy.

She crushed the crystal underneath her hoof.

“Starlight!”

“There. It’s already done, too late to undo it.” She smiled at Trixie. “Besides, there was nothing important in there that wasn’t already in my head, and now we can be sure we’ll both go through fine.”

The universe again refused to give Starlight what she expected. Trixie did not smile back. Starlight frowned. The hum of the device intensified further, reaching its final stage.

“Trixie!”

“I…” Trixie bit her lip. “I’m sorry! It’s so stupid and awful of me! But I don’t know how I’m going to come out of the other side of that portal, Starlight!”

Starlight blinked, taking a second to absorb the information, as well as the fact that she could feel Luna’s presence sinking into the void. The aether lost the brilliance of its stars.

“I remember everything you’ve told me about the human world! Well, not everything, but the important thing! They don’t have magic over there! At least, not the kind that lets me look the way I do.”

“Trixie! But I saw your counterpart when I visited the other world. She didn’t seem—” Starlight winced, then stopped herself before restarting. “She seemed just like all the other girls there.”

“She’s also, like, ten years younger than I am! Who knows what else is different? Maybe she’s what I should have been if I weren’t defective.”

“Trixie!” Starlight frowned, hating that the conversation was going down an all-too-familiar road, now of all times. “You’re not defective!”

“I know, there’s nothing wrong with me, and everything you always tell me!” Trixie shouted apologetically, somehow. “But I am different from most ponies, and nopony like me has gone through the portal, have they? Like, with the kind of magic coursing through my veins, who even knows what I’ll even turn into? Maybe I won’t become a human at all! Maybe I’ll turn into a chicken!”

“Trixie!” Starlight’s voice was filled with exasperation. “You’re not going to turn into a chicken!”

“Okay, that one’s a bit silly. But still—”

“And you’re not the only one with that kind of magic who went through!” Starlight pointed out. “I mean, Twilight”—she cringed at the irony of using her as an example now—”went through, and she ended up just fine!”

“Twilight’s a natural alicorn, Starlight. She has the wings and everything! She didn’t just drink a potion that contained the chopped-up bits of alicorn magic that let ponies look like mares. She’s not like me. She’s in harmony.”

Of course, right now, Starlight was very glad Trixie wasn’t like Twilight. Not after what the alicorn had become. But that was beside the point. Not that she knew what to say now. The humming intensified. The light of Princess Flurry Heart disappeared from the world.

“Trixie—”

“I know! This is really, really stupid. I’m so sorry, Starlight. I just—” Trixie sobbed. “I already kind of hate the idea, okay? I always did, every time you described what it was like being in their world! Having hands with gross little fingers instead of hooves, walking on two legs. You always sounded so excited when you talked about it, but I never felt that way! But I could be okay with it, you know? Just not if...“ She bit her lip. “It’s so stupid, isn’t it? It’s going to be an alien body anyway, what does it matter what gender it looks like! But I already know what it’s like to have a body that doesn’t feel like my own. To imagine being stuck in one that feels that way twice is just— I just— “

“It’s not stupid, Trixie,” Starlight said, trying to be soothing. Trying to keep the calm in her voice, despite the flickering of the light of Princess Cadance's presence at the edge of her mind’s eye.

“Ugh, I hate that I’m making you do this! Making you take care of me at the worst possible time! I’m so sorry, Starlight! It’s always some stupid little thing with me that you have to spend so much time and effort calming me down about, and it never ends!”

“Trixie! I—”

“It’s not going to be easy on the other side of that portal, you know!” Trixie sobbed. “You’ll be in a new world, knowing that everypony you’ve ever known and everything you’ve ever loved in this world is gone forever! You’ll have to keep thinking about everything you’ve seen today, reliving it over and over. How She tore up our friends and our students to shreds with Her magic like they were made of tissue paper! How are you supposed to move on from that!? It’ll be so hard, even for somepony as amazing as you, Starlight! What do you think it’ll be like for me? What kind of life is it going to be for you, going through all that while being dragged down having to care for this stupid, overly dramatic pony who won’t even be a pony anymore!”

The humming stopped, and a shimmering portal of blue lit up from the device, bathing them both in its light. Trixie looked into it and frowned.

“You’d be better off just going through without me. Better off not listening to my ridiculousness for even one more second.”

“Trixie!” Starlight’s voice was full of desperation, the bile in her throat rising as Princess Cadance’s presence at last sputtered out. “You know I can’t let myself do that! Please, just tell me!”

“You—” Trixie sobbed out a squeak. “You’ve never seen me as anything but a mare, Starlight. I mean, nopony does. But that’s because of everything I’ve done to keep it that way. And if all of that just went away? Just the thought of you seeing me as anything different, even for one second? I know, it’s so overly dramatic and Trixie of me to say something like this, to think something like this, but a part of me would rather just die here, to let my story end here, just like so many others ended today. To let what I look like now be always how you remember me.”

Tears filled Starlight’s eyes as she saw the look on Trixie’s face, her eyes closed, her ears flopped down. All of a sudden, it was as if the years behind them had melted away in an instant. All of a sudden, it was just as if Starlight saw her again lowering herself into that cannon. In the distance, she could sense the frightening jaws of that manticore, bloody and wide and waiting…

She held Trixie’s hooves in her own until Trixie opened her eyes, and Starlight could look deeply into them, past all of the hurt and pain and sorrow.

“I promise, from the deepest depths of my heart. No matter what body or universe you’re in, you’ll always be the same mare I fell in love with all those years ago, and nothing is ever going to change that. When I look at your face, I’ll always see the lovely, soft curve of your muzzle, no matter what it looks like. When I hear your laugh, I’ll always hear that adorable nasal tone, no matter what it sounds like. I’ll always love you the same way I do now.. And no matter how bad it gets, I’ll always be there to hold you the same way, for as long as you need, as often as you need.. Because while I’m holding you, you’ll be holding me.“

Blinking away tears, Trixie sniffled, an apologetic smile on her face. Her shimmering violet eyes now clear of all worry and fear. “Thanks. I just needed to hear that.”

Across the magical aether, Starlight could sense that what the Princess of Friendship had now become was screaming as She hurtled in her direction. Seeking its next potential rival to extinguish. But her mind was on something far more important to her now.

How the touch of her hooves felt so soft against her own. How the curve of her smile was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. The sound of her voice.

“Together?”

“Together.”

Together, they leapt into their future.