The Facts of Equestrian Life
Twilight Sparkle smiled at the little green filly with the oddly pushed-in face. "Someday soon, you'll need to know about the facts of life."
"Hmmph!" the filly said. "I already know. I learned about them in the world I came from. When a man and a woman...a MARE, I mean, and a STALLION, tell each other that they love each other, and maybe they even believe it themselves, then the male and the female cuddle, and get all freaky, and the male puts his...thingy in the mare's thingy, and they wiggle them around, and then the man juice comes out and swims up the mare's thingy, and fertilizes her eggs, and that's where foals come from nine weeks later!"
Twilight cleared her throat. "I think you meant nine MONTHS."
"Same difference!"
"And with ponies it takes eleven months, not nine."
"Details, details! The important thing is, pull out on time, or you'll lose more than a dime!"
"Early withdrawal is not a reliable--"
"The point is, I already know the important stuff. So don't nag me!"
Twilight looked over at the "Cutie Map," a table which formed the centerpiece of the room. Five of her friends' cutie marks had appeared over Ponyville.
"Hmmm," Twilight said. "Maybe we should wait for the other Bearers to show up."
"Ha!" the filly said. "I knew you were too chicken to tell me yourself."
***
Pinkie Pie asked the green filly, "Annie? Would you like to sit in my lap?"
"Yes, please," the filly said. "Your lap is the softest of anypony here."
Pinkie grinned. "She agrees my lap is the best!"
All the Bearers sat in their chairs around the Cutie Map. The filly kneaded Pinkie's lap like a cat for a moment. She hopped onto the table and sat with her bottom directly on top of Ponyville.
Twilight scowled as she stared at the sight, imagining a giant green pony bottom squashing the entire town.
Applejack said, "Ah might as well have a go at this. Ah can tell you the facts of life all clear with no dilly-dallyin'."
"Yes, please!" Annie said with a smile. "What's the best Equestrian birth control?"
Applejack rubbed her mane with one foreleg. "We gotta cover the basics first."
Annie hopped up and down. "Do you have any pictures to show me? Did you bring any...EDUCATIONAL MAGAZINES? THE KIND THEY ONLY SELL TO PONIES TWENTY-ONE AND OVER?"
Fluttershy sighed. She whispered, "Is she always like this?"
Twilight said, "I think in her old world she was a teenage colt. So, she's usually like Snips or Snails, but with less savoir faire."
"Hey!" the filly shouted. "I don't understand what you said, but I still resent it!"
"So," Twilight asked, "would you say you have good judgment and impulse control?"
"I have EXCELLENT...that stuff! You have no idea how many bad ideas I get that I DON'T follow through on!"
Twilight sighed. "Sometimes I feel like Rainbow Dash would make a better foster parent for you than me."
Rainbow frowned, using one wingtip to point at the filly's shoulders. "No wings," she said. "Even if you cast a cloudwalking spell on her, she'd probably run off the edge of my cloud at least once a week. Or several times a day."
"Can I help it if I'm full of energy?" the filly asked.
Rainbow said, "I love your enthusiasm! I'd just rather that you not die anytime soon. Or at least don't squish anypony I know."
"Hmph!"
"Hmph yourself." Rainbow pursed her lips, and blew air into the filly's face.
"Rarr!" Annie said. She charged at Rainbow, who caught her with one foreleg and used one wing to tickle the filly. The filly laughed, and wiggled, and squirmed, and rolled out of Rainbow's grip and right over the edge of the table, hitting the floor with a "plonk."
Fluttershy bent down to check the floor. "Are you ok, Annie?"
"I'm great! But Rainbow Dash is a big jerk! She made me fall off the table and almost kill myself!" The filly got to her feet. She jumped up and down with excitement and irritation. She charged at Rainbow's dangling rear legs. The pegasus flapped her wings, rising into the air just high enough and far enough from the table that the filly couldn't reach her.
"RARR! You coward! I'm going to bite your toes off!"
Rainbow asked, "What are toes?"
"For making fun of me, I'm going to bite your HOOVES off!"
Rainbow sighed. "Well, girls, I guess I'm not coming back down to the ground today. I NEED my hooves. And maybe my toes too, whatever those are?"
"Rarr! Rarrr!" A little green filly hopped around hyperactively under the pegasus.
"Well," Twilight remarked, "I'm so glad we're making all kinds of progress teaching Annie what she needs to know about the facts of life."
"Oh, that!" Dash said. "Annie, as you get older, your body may start to go through changes."
"Rarrrr! I wanna change to be tall enough to bite your toes!"
Rarity interrupted, "Annie! Why don't you try learning to act like a lady, while you still can?"
The filly sat back on her haunches. "Huh?"
"You should enjoy your opportunities while you still have them."
The filly reached up with one hind leg to scratch herself. "Bite me."
Rarity looked down her nose at Annie. "I can see that you're one filly who will be happy to have a chance to get in touch with your most nasty, brutish, unrefined self."
Applejack laughed. "Ah think she's already FOUND that part of herself."
Twilight said, "Annie, when you go through puberty, you'll need to take the opportunity to learn how your body works."
Annie stared at Twilight. "Are you talking about...what ARE you talking about?"
"For a filly or a mare, how to put on a dress and take it off...how to deal with a period...all those kinds of things."
Rarity sniffed. "Not only THOSE things. Everything about how a lady should be treated."
Annie looked back and forth at Rarity and Twilight. "Are you two talking about...lesbianism?"
Twilight nodded. "Lesbianisn is a perfectly respectable lifestyle to try. A LOT of girls 'experiment' in high school."
Annie looked around at the other ponies. "You've GOT to be just dropping horseapples on me, right?"
Fluttershy shook her head. "No, they're not. They're very serious. I'm so glad I took the opportunities to experiment when I was a teenage colt."
"WHAT?"
"To experiment. When I was a teenage colt. I learned things I probably never could have learned any other way."
Twilight said, "I keep trying to tell you, your body will go through changes..."
"WOULD YOU SHUT UP? I ALREADY LEARNED AS A HUMAN HOW ALL OF THIS STUFF WORKS! YOU STUPID PONIES DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO TEACH ME! I COME FROM A SUPERIOR SPECIES!"
Rarity nodded. "So you must already have been through the changes."
"Of COURSE I have! But I did it all as a guy, of course--"
Rainbow laughed. "Just a guy? That's ALL? You really DO have a lot to learn! You don't know how puberty works!"
Annie blinked. "Whuh?"
Twilight said patiently, "In Equestria, the most important part of puberty is switching between being a filly and a colt. And as you finish growing up, a mare and a stallion."
Fluttershy nodded. "I was very lucky. I got to switch back and forth several times. That's how I learned to sing bass so well." She blushed. "Never mind. Forget I said that."
"So you see," Rarity said, "when you understand what it's like to be both of them, your body can settle on the one that fits you best."
The little green filly asked big-eyed, "So everypony in Ponyville has been BOTH a boy AND a girl?"
"Yes," Twilight agreed. "That's normal, here."
Annie laughed. "Everypony in Ponyville is a TRANNY! HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAH!"
Fluttershy said softly, "And someday soon, you'll understand what it's like to be transgender too. To be someone who was put into one particular kind of body, and has feelings and thoughts about the kind of body they would be happiest in--"
"AAAEEEE! NO NO NO NO NO NO NOPE NOPE NOPEITY NONONONONO! I don't WANT to be a transgender! I don't WANT to be like Princess Big Mac! I just want to be a big strong guy like I used to be on Earth!"
Applejack scowled at the filly. "Don't you make fun of Big Mac just because he likes to dress as a princess and subdue evil tantabus monsters. It's every pony's right to dress up and fight evil with magic powers."
Twilight nodded. "That's true. I'm so happy Rarity makes such pretty dresses. Hardly anything helps intimidate evil better."
Annie said, "You're all horseappleing me here, right?"
Rarity shook her head. "I do NOT lie about fashion. I take couture very seriously."
"They really do help," Twilight agreed. "Haven't you noticed that the most powerful beings in Equestria are mares in pretty outfits? Celestia in her high shoes and her gleaming, golden peytral? Luna in her matching armor? The Elements of Harmony are fancy jewelry for a reason. All these pretty, girly things make evil shake in its horseshoes."
Applejack nodded. "It ain't hardly a wonder that when Big Mac wants to stand up and fight for what's right, sometimes he puts on a wig and a pretty dress, just like when he was a filly. It ain't just nostalgia. It's good practical sense, too."
Annie started to hyperventilate. "This isn't so bad. It just means I don't have to be stuck as a girl forever. That's what I've always wanted ever since I came to Equestria. Isn't it? Sure, I've enjoyed being able to sneak into the girl's changing room, and see mares naked--"
Rainbow laughed. "We're ponies. We're USUALLY naked. You're weird, Annie." Dashie turned to the other ponies and said, "And that's ANOTHER reason I don't want Annie living with me. It's creepy when she stares at me just because I'm walking around naked. And then she usually gets so distracted she walks off the cloud again and I have to fly down and catch her. If she didn't always scream so loud when she fell off, I might not know to catch her in time."
"I DO NOT SCREAM LOUD!" Annie angrily shouted in a high-pitched voice.
Dashie laughed again. "Ok, have it your way."
Three young ponies walked into the room. "Rarity?" a pale unicorn teenager said. "We need you to help us with some new clothes soon."
Annie turned to look at the fillies. "Sweetie Belle? Apple Bloom? Who is that you've got with you?"
In a deep voice like Apple Bloom's cousin Babs Seed, an orange pegasus teenager said, "Don't you even recognize me, Annie?"
"No. Should I?"
"It's me, your friend Scootstallion. I used to be Scootaloo, but I woke up all different today." Scootstallion stood up on his hind legs and posed, bunching up his muscles. "All my exercise finally paid off. I'm going to run away with the circus this summer and be a strongcolt. Wanna see me lift some big weights?" Scootstallion squatted on his hind legs, reaching out sideways with his forelegs, one on either side. Sweetie and Apple Bloom leaped up to balance on his forehooves. He lifted them high into the air. "I'm also going to give lectures explaining things I don't understand. It's just one of my many special masculine powers."
Sweetie said, "Don't forget to practice for your pay negotiations with the circus."
Scootstallion said in a firm, masculine tone, "I demand to be paid sixty percent more than your highest paid mare! Because I'm worth it! I have a big family to support."
Apple Bloom replied, "But...aren't you an unmarried orphan or something?" She shrugged. "See? There's no reasoning with him, so it's impossible to win an argument against him, even if you're right and he's wrong."
"Hmm," Annie said. "Maybe turning into a colt won't be so bad. Maybe it will be ok to get exactly what I've been demanding every day for years." Annie turned towards Twilight. "I demand you turn me into a colt! Or a big, strong stallion!"
Twilight sighed. "These things take time, Annie." She scooped up the little filly and dandled her in her forelegs. "But don't you worry. You'll be a big, strong stallion soon enough." Twilight held the filly with one foreleg as her other softly rubbed Annie's cheeks. Twilight said in cutsey-wutsey baby talk, "Won't you? Won't you be just the biggest, cutest, most handsomest stallie-wallie-ion?" She booped Annie right on the nose.
Annie sighed. "I can hardly wait."
