Every day, it was the same.
Applejack would wake up and look in the mirror. Blonde hair that needed to be cut became an obstacle that Applejack decided a hair elastic and a hat would fix. A quick change from pajamas to daily work clothes would at least make the farmer look… presentable.
I look good today.
The mirror showed a reflection, sure, but it was almost like looking at… a stranger. Having long hair felt right and even if it barely went past shoulder-length, it was still able to be tied into a ponytail to prevent obstruction. That was Applejack’s solution. A very small ponytail. It almost felt like a victory of some sort.
Broad shoulders were useful for many things, and Applejack quite didn’t mind them. Most of the time. But it was in the mornings specifically that they seemed like puzzle pieces attached in the wrong place.
It was perfectly normal, though. Applejack worked on the farm pretty much all day every day. Doing all that work warranted having a certain physique, right? Big Mac prided himself on it, so why couldn't Applejack?
Why couldn't Applejack just be happy?
Maybe it was a feeling that was deserved. Being self-conscious was normal. Applejack knew that since Apple Bloom always seemed to struggle with it. But this? This was somehow different. It wasn't just feeling self-conscious it was… it was hate?
No. It couldn't have been hate. Applejack was happy. Perfectly happy with the reflection in the mirror. To prove that, Applejack tried on a big smile. It looked good. Right?
“Naw,” Applejack muttered to the reflection in the mirror. “That’s silly.” The smile dropped, although Applejack wasn't sure if that could have even been considered a smile.
Maybe someday that would change. Someday, Applejack would feel content with the stranger he saw in the mirror. For now, all he could do was splash cold water on his face and start the day off right.
Applejack frowned. How could he start the day off if nothing was right? He walked past Big Mac in the hallway and tried as he might, Applejack couldn’t force a smile. His brother lifted a single eyebrow in return, lips tensed, but he never said anything. At least that was the same. It would be weird if it wasn’t. Although, now Applejack knew he was the weird one.
On his way past Apple Bloom’s room near the staircase, Applejack knocked on her door. “C’mon wake up. We’ve got to get going.”
Apple Bloom groaned in response, but at least there was a response. Applejack snorted and made his way slowly down the stairs. Work boots thudded firmly against the carpet on the stairs, which elicited a louder groan from Apple Bloom. She’s sure to be awake now.
“Mornin’, Granny,” Applejack greeted the elderly woman who was already up and making pancakes. “Smells good, although why didn’t ya just wait for me to get down? You know I always make breakfast.”
Granny turned to Applejack and waved the spatula in front of her. Raw batter flicked off the end of it and onto Applejack’s shirt. “Aw phooie, it don’t matter, son. I love makin’ breakfast! Just ‘cause I don’t do it all the time don’t mean I don’t like doin’ it.”
Applejack smiled at his grandmother’s eagerness but… something stung a little bit. It made his heart twinge a tiny bit, but there was nothing inherently wrong with what Granny said. The smile quickly turned into a frown. That seemed to be the usual, recently.
It's fine.
Big Mac sat down opposite Applejack at the round table in the dining area. “Mornin’.”
“Hiya, Big Mac. Sleep well?” Applejack asked.
“Eeyup.”
“Good.”
The conversation ended there. Usually, Applejack would say that he had a good sleep, too. Maybe they would discuss the plan for the day, but lately, Applejack hadn’t been sleeping well. And he wasn’t a liar. Big Mac didn’t seem to mind the silence, although for Applejack; it meant more time to think. Whatever that meant.
By the time Apple Bloom came downstairs, the rest of the Apple family was already eating eagerly. The younger girl sat down next to Applejack and forked a pancake onto her plate, then another. “Hi, y’all! These look great!”
Applejack swallowed the pancake he was currently working on and nodded. “Taste even better than they look,” he assured her, frowning at the sound of his own voice. Had it always sounded like that?
Apple Bloom took a bite of the pancake and hummed in delight. “True!”
Granny nodded and took a sip of her glass of water. “Glad y’all like it. Been a mighty long time since I’ve made pancakes. I know how much you boys used to like it when I made pancakes,” she added, looking back at Applejack and Big Mac.
Applejack looked down at his pancakes. There weren’t that many on the plate, but he didn’t feel very hungry anymore. With a sigh, he set his cutlery on the plate and pushed it away from him. “I didn’t wake up that hungry today. Is it alright if I eat ‘em later? I, uh, I’m gonna work on some homework.”
Without waiting for an answer, Applejack stood up and made his way back to his room, leaving the rest of his family dumbfounded.
The homework was easy. Applejack finished it in under an hour. It was mostly writing exercises, anyway. The rest of the time had been spent lying on his bed. Thinking.
Applejack groaned and dropped his hands on his face. “What is wrong with me?”
The feeling of wrongness usually was gone within a few moments, but it was already midday and Applejack just felt worse. He almost wanted to cry, but he didn’t know why. Applejack sat up on the edge of his bed and ran his fingers through his hair. He liked it long, but why? Big Mac’s hair wasn’t exactly short, but even he cut it when it got too long. Applejack’s hair was almost as long as Apple Bloom’s, and he liked it. Applejack stared at the blanket on the bed. He was almost sure that Apple Bloom would rather have shorter hair than Applejack.
I should cut it.
Applejack growled and pulled at his hair, an action he immediately regretted as a headache immediately began to form. Doubled over on the edge of his bed, Applejack clenched his hands into fists and stared at the ground. Tears welled in his eyes. He just needed to clear his thoughts.
With that, he stood up and walked to the bathroom that connected his and Big Mac’s rooms. He locked both sides and stood in front of the sink. It seemed like he had just been there; like his entire life revolved around the bathroom. Applejack looked in the mirror.
A stranger looked back.
He always made sure to shave. That was easy. Stubble was itchy, and his facial hair always grew in patchy so it was easier just to get rid of it. But lately, it was almost harder to do anything about it, and the more it came in, the worse it looked. He couldn’t do anything about it, though. He wasn’t exactly sure why.
That had to change though; it was becoming a problem. With shaking hands, Applejack grabbed the razor and cream from his side of the bathroom and stared at them. This would help. Self-care would help. That’s what Rarity always said, and Rarity was always right. Maybe she'd even like the clean shave to make a comeback.
Applejack turned on the sink and doused his face with cold water. He hadn’t realized how warm his face was getting until the freezing water made contact. It felt numbing. He wished he could feel like that all over.
Next was the shaving cream. It had become a routine that Applejack had gotten used to. The way the stubble felt against his hands as he rubbed the foamy substance around his face felt awful though. Why did he have to grow it?
Cause that's what boys do, he told himself curtly. First thing Pa taught us was that we'd need to shave someday.
Applejack’s hands started to shake again, but it was too late to stop. He picked up the razor and swiped carefully. The noise of the hairs being removed was too loud, entirely, and Applejack wished he could just drown it out. He wished he could just drown the world out. Drown…
Nic.
“Shit,” Applejack hissed as the blade nicked his skin. Blood streamed slightly down the cut. It was warm and red against his skin. It had been years since Applejack had cut himself shaving. Of course, it just had to happen again. Typical. Applejack sighed and sloppily did the rest of his face. He cut himself a few more times, but it wasn’t as bad as the first one. “Why couldn’t I have been born a girl?”
Applejack found himself inside his truck barreling down the freeway. The more Applejack thought about it, the less normal he seemed. He realized at some point that it wasn’t normal to wish you had been born a girl if you were born a boy. He’d never even said it out loud or thought it, really, but as soon as he muttered it to himself in the bathroom, something inside him clicked.
Little white squares of paper pressed on top of his shaving cuts were the least of his concerns. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t right. He wasn’t right. But he knew someone who could help. The tears were there, but they weren’t going to come out. Not if Applejack had anything to say about it.
After a drive that seemed entirely longer than it really was, Applejack hastily pulled up to the little house in the crook of the neighbourhood. He jumped out of his car and slammed the door shut behind him. It was fortunate that there was nobody outside on their lawns because it might have been concerning to see Applejack practically stomping down the lawn of a certain lavender-skinned friend of his.
Applejack walked up to the door of his friend. Just as he was about to knock, he lost all of the anger inside and it was immediately replaced with… something else. Something softer that threatened to make him cry. He pushed that down and knocked firmly.
It only took a moment, but the door opened. Twilight stood awkwardly at the doorway, short hair a mess, and looked up. “...Applejack? Are you… okay?”
“I need your help,” Applejack said firmly, voice wavering. “I think… I think I have a problem.”
Twilight opened the door wide and gestured inside. Applejack charged inside and paced around the living room. Twilight shut the door softly and stood at the entry to the living room, leaning on the wall. “What’s wrong, AJ?”
Applejack bit his thumb and turned to look at Twilight. “There’s something wrong with me, Twi, and I dunno what to do.”
Twilight straightened up. “What? What do you mean?”
“I…” Applejack’s eyes welled up again. He took a deep breath and dug angry fists in his pockets. “I hate being a boy,” Applejack spat furiously. “I spend every livin’, breathin’ moment askin’ why I have to be this way. I hate it. I don’t know why, but I…” Applejack toyed with a loose coin in his pocket as the pieces fell into place. “I just… I wish I was a girl.” Applejack’s voice barely came out as a whisper.
The tears followed, and they didn’t stop. “Damn it, there really is something wrong with me,” Applejack hiccuped.
Twilight cautiously walked over to Applejack. “Hey, hey, it’s okay. Why don’t you sit down and we can talk about it, okay?”
Applejack nodded, sniffling, and sat down on the couch. After a few moments, Applejack recovered enough to be able to speak. “I’m sorry to burst in like this, Twi. I just figured you could help ‘cause…”
Twilight placed a hand on Applejack’s shaking knee. “Because I’m trans?” he offered. “Look, I’m not here to make a decision for you, but I think what you’re feeling is dysphoria.”
Applejack took a deep breath. Dysphoria? Twilight had talked about it before. He said that that’s how he knew that he was transgender back when he came out. Luckily, all of their friends were immediately accepting of him. Was that what Applejack was feeling, too? It would make sense, but then, why hadn't Applejack noticed?
Cause I didn't want it to be true.
After a moment, Applejack leaned back and frowned. “I think you’re right. I like having my hair long, and sometimes it makes me feel good when I put it up into a ponytail. I just… I didn’t wanna… be…”
Twilight sighed. “I know, AJ. But it’s not a choice.”
Applejack’s eyes shut before more tears could come out. “I know, Twi.”
The two of them sat in silence for a bit. Twilight wrapped Applejack in a hug after making sure that Applejack was okay with it.
They stayed like that for a while until Applejack's arm twitched from having stayed still for so long. Twilight raised his head to look up at Applejack, who thought he looked sleepy. Did he fall asleep?
“Sorry. Didn’t mean to wake ya,” Applejack muttered, wiping some stray tears away. Didn't notice how much time passed…
Twilight sat up and inched a bit away from Applejack. “It’s okay. How do you feel?”
Applejack looked down. “I… I feel a bit better. I've been thinkin' and… I think I… I wanna try, uh, being a girl. Err, like, you know…”
Twilight smiled a little. “Do you want to try she her pronouns? Maybe it’ll help you,” he offered, smoothing down the new bedhead on his short-cut hair.
Applejack nodded meekly. “Yeah.”
Twilight nodded. “Okay, I think this is an easier way to confirm if you really are trans. If you like it, you can keep with it until you’re sure,” he pointed out. “See, if I was talking to, say, Rainbow Dash about you I’d go ‘hey look! There goes my girlfriend Applejack! She’s so cool, right? I mean, have you seen her lately?! Her hair is getting nice and long, and it looks really nice on her!’” Twilight exclaimed with a bit too much excitement as she pointed at nothing. “And then Rainbow Dash would go ‘oh yeah, you’re right! Wow, that Applejack sure is awesome! I’m so glad I’m her friend!’”
Applejack smiled widely. As silly as Twilight made it sound, that felt… right. It felt like it was meant to be that way – like there was nothing wrong. Applejack laughed. She laughed for the first time in a while. A real laugh. This time, she wasn’t crying out of frustration or anger. She was crying from relief, and boy, did it feel good.
Twilight rested his head on Applejack’s shoulder. “How was that?”
Applejack leaned her head on Twilight’s and wrapped him in a big hug. “That felt… right. Like I shoulda been doin’ that since the beginning,” she said between tearful hiccups. “I don’t know how I let that fester inside me for so long, y’know? It seems so obvious now...”
Twilight leaned back but kept his arms around Applejack’s waist. He gazed happily at his girlfriend. “It’s not easy, and sometimes, it takes more time than you’d think to figure it out. But the important thing is that you do know now,” he pointed out. “What you do next is up to you.”
Applejack bit the inside of her cheek. “I think I wanna tell Rarity, next. She deserves to know, at the very least.”
Twilight nodded. "Good idea. I think you're right. We've always strived to be honest in our relationship, right?"
Applejack nodded. "Yup. This is just another thing to say. It'll be okay," she told herself. "Why wouldn't it be?"
"Exactly. Anyway, I know it's a bit soon, but have you ever thought about having another name?"
Applejack blinked. A new name? "No, not really, to be honest with ya. Never much minded 'Applejack'. Why? Is that a thing?"
Twilight shrugged. "To some trans people, yes. Sometimes, names cause discomfort the same way being misgendered does. For me, it wasn't an issue, so I kept my name," he explained. "I was just curious for you, since…"
Twilight's voice trailing off caught Applejack off guard. "Since it's kinda masculine?" she offered. At Twilight's slow nod, Applejack snorted. "Naw. I mean, sure, it is a bit rough and 'boyish', as Granny'd say, but I don't have an issue with it. In fact, I reckon I quite like it."
"That's great! Picking a new name can be hard, at least from what I've read from other peoples' experiences." Twilight pushed thick-rimmed glasses up the bridge of his nose. "But I'm glad you don't have to worry about that. Although, if you ever wanna try out a new name, let me know, okay?"
Applejack smiled at Twilight's offer. "Sure." She reached up to scratch her cheek and recoiled as her finger hit the paper stuck to her face. For a moment, she frowned. She hadn’t finished the job properly and probably looked like a mess.
Twilight seemed to know what Applejack was thinking. “I have a spare razor. Do you want some help?”
Applejack nodded. “Yeah, thanks.”
“Of course,” Twilight replied with a kiss on Applejack’s forehead as he stood up in front of her. “And I think Rarity will be happy for you. She is our girlfriend after all.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” Applejack responded as she followed Twilight to the bathroom. “I’ll head over to her place after you fix me up.”
“Do you want me to come?”
“Naw, I’ll be quick. Plus, I know you’ve got that physics test tomorrow.”
Twilight smiled as he watched Applejack sit on the toilet cover. “Aw, you remembered? That’s nice. Now, don’t move. I’ve been getting pretty good at shaving.”
Applejack sat in Sugarcube Corner, running her fingers down her smooth face. She was extremely glad for Twilight’s help with finishing up the shave. Rarity said she would be there soon, so in the meantime, Applejack thought about how she should tell her.
“Probably best to just tell her plain n’ simple,” Applejack muttered as she bit at the straw in her milkshake.
“Tell me what, darling?” Rarity asked as she leaned over next to Applejack and gave her a quick kiss. Applejack hadn’t even heard her come in. “Oh, sweetie, I love that you are embracing your hair with a braid like that, but don’t you think it’s a bit unmanageable?”
Applejack frowned slightly, but she couldn’t blame Rarity for her comment. “Err, actually, that’s kinda what I wanted to talk to you about.”
Rarity took a sip of the smoothie that Applejack had preordered for her. Coconut cream; her favourite. “Your hair? Ooh! Did you want me to cut it? I am pretty good at it, you know.”
“Uh. No,” Applejack replied with a cringe. “No, I just… I wanted to tell you somethin’ kinda important to me.”
Sensing the shift in Applejack’s tone, Rarity sat up straighter and placed her hands on Applejack’s. “Oh? What is it, dear? And aren’t we going to wait for Twilight? Unless you don’t want to tell him.”
Applejack shook her head. “Err, no… No, he already knows.” She cringed and retracted her hands, instead opting to fiddle with her fingers. Rarity frowned a little at that. “Uh, look, I’m gonna tell ya something. Ya gotta promise not to make a big deal of it.”
“Oh, please. When have I ever made a big deal of anything?” Rarity asked.
Applejack stared back wordlessly.
Rarity smiled. “Okay, I suppose you are right. I will do my best. However, now you are making me a teensy bit nervous as to what it is you have to say.”
“It’s not a big deal,” Applejack promised. She took a sip of her milkshake, if only to delay a little longer. “Uh, so… ya know how Twilight is, uh, transgender?”
Rarity wrapped her hands around her smoothie. “Yes…”
Applejack bit her lip. Rarity sounded apprehensive, which wasn’t unexpected. Still, though, Applejack was nervous again. Although, why would Rarity be okay with Twilight and not her? “I think… I am, too?” she finally managed to get out.
Rarity didn’t respond at first. Instead, she looked right at Applejack, then down to her hands, then closed her eyes and sighed. “I’m happy for you, Applejack.”
“Uh, thanks?” Applejack said inquisitively. It wasn’t often that Rarity called her by her name, which got Applejack on edge.
Rarity nodded once. “And I do support you, of course…”
Oh no.
“But, Applejack,” Rarity opened her eyes and glanced at Applejack with turned-up eyebrows, “what does this mean for us?”
Applejack swallowed. Her chest ached as if she had been shot. The tears threatened to return, but she was able to keep them at bay. “What do you mean?” Applejack asked with a shaky voice. “Why does it have to mean anything for us, Rares?”
Rarity sat back against the back of the booth and looked down at her lap. “I’m not… I’m straight,” she murmured.
“W-what?”
Rarity frowned and refused to look up. “I’m sorry, d—Applejack, but… I can’t… I’m straight. I don’t date girls.”
This wasn’t what she wanted. She wanted Rarity’s support, sure, but she hadn’t been expecting… this. “Rarity…” It was hard to keep her voice quiet.
Rarity crossed her arms. “I really do support you, darling, but I can’t… You’re going to look like a girl, and you’re going to be… different, and… I’m not attracted to girls.”
Applejack started crying again, but it was the silent type of crying where only single tears fell. That was somehow worse. “So you’re okay with Twilight but not me?” she asked, voice rising a bit.
Rarity looked up at Applejack. “Twilight is a boy!”
"Of course he is!" Applejack yelled back. She didn't care about the attention from the other patrons in the shop. "But he wasn't—"
"Wasn't what? Born one?" Rarity interjected. "Applejack, I know you are upset, but you shouldn't say that!"
"I didn't."
Rarity frowned and lowered her voice. "But you were thinking it," she murmured. "I know you, Applejack. And I'm sorry if I've hurt you, but… I can't lie to you, dear."
Applejack swallowed dryly. She was right, as always. Did she have to be, though? "But I'm… I'm still me, Rarity. Nothing's gonna change that."
Rarity sighed. “I know, Applejack, and I can’t just stop loving you,” she admitted. “But I know it isn’t going to work out in the long run. You may be the same wonderful person, and you always will be, but I’m not attracted to girls.” Rarity stammered and looked at Applejack with a frown. “I am aware this is not what you wanted to hear, darling, but I just want you to understand… I don’t want to hurt you.”
But you already did.
Applejack stared at Rarity. The restaurant had been silent ever since their outburst. She didn’t dare look around; she could already feel them staring. Applejack pursed her lips, clenching her hands into fists. It would be easier to go along with it; to pretend it was okay. “Alright,” she mumbled, wiping her cheeks dry. “I get it. Can’t force ya to, uh, stay with me if that ain’t what you want.”
“Oh, when you say it like that…”
Applejack waved her hands. “Rarity, seriously, it’s… uh, fine. Honest.” She smiled weakly. It still didn’t work, but at least Rarity seemed to buy it as she returned the smile.
“I’m glad you understand, Applejack.” She reached across the table, grabbed one Applejack’s hands and gave it a stern squeeze. “I hope there are no hard feelings between us. You are one of my best friends.”
Applejack tensed up and stared at Rarity’s hand. She placed her other hand on top of Rarity’s. Just because their relationship was ruined didn’t mean that it all had to be. “Uh, I hope this doesn’t mess up everything,” Applejack started. “Twilight is still… he’s okay with me, still. I don’t want things between you and him ruined because of me.”
“Darling, you haven’t ruined anything.” Rarity pulled away and rested her chin on the palm of her hand. “I wish this didn’t have to happen, but I know that you need support, and I fully support you. I just can’t see myself calling you my… my girlfriend. You’re going to be a beautiful woman, and I will do my best to ensure that you are always feeling confident, but I–I just… don’t feel comfortable dating a girl. I’m sorry.”
If she was being honest, Applejack was upset. But she was starting to understand where Rarity was coming from. Not everyone was open to dating anyone. “It’s… it’s alright,” she whispered. “I mean, I’ll be honest; it, uh, hurts, but I get it now. Ya can’t help what you’re attracted to. Just do me a favour and stay with Twi. If you don’t want me as a part of that, I get it. But I want the two of ya to be happy.” Applejack looked down at the table and played with the end of her sleeve.
“Why would you think I don’t want you there?” Rarity asked softly. “Applejack, I know that I said you and I weren’t going to work out, but I want you to be happy, as well. If it’s okay with you and with Twilight, we can still all be together. It’ll just be less of a triangle and more like a…”
“Like a V?”
Rarity nodded. “Precisely. There’s no easy way to put it, and I admire your courage and I am happy for you, really. But I think it’s best to tell you how I feel, as well. At least for now, I can’t see you and me together, darling. As I said before, however, I will be here for you every step of the way, okay? If you need anything, do let me know.”
“Okay. Thank you, Rarity.” Applejack looked around. The other patrons were whispering amongst themselves, but at least none of them were staring. “I appreciate it.”
Rarity nodded. “Of course. I do have to get going, now. I sort of left Sweetie Belle hanging.” She stood up awkwardly with a smile that Applejack half returned. “Um, feel free to let me know if you need something, okay?”
Rarity walked next to Applejack and bent down to give her a tight hug. Applejack sniffed as she smelled lavender. “I am really proud of you,” Rarity murmured. She pulled back and gave Applejack a soft kiss on the cheek. “Please don’t be upset with me. I still love you, you know.”
Applejack nodded, knowing that Rarity meant it in a different way. “Me too, Rares,” she whispered as Rarity walked away with a wave.
She sat alone at the table for a while longer. Rarity’s unfinished smoothie stayed on the other end of the table, and suddenly Applejack didn’t feel like finishing her own. She wanted to cry. Maybe she should have. But there seemed to be nothing left in her, so she just sat back with a groan. At least… at least she told Rarity. This is what Applejack wanted, right?
It’d have to do.
Applejack huffed and stood up. She hadn’t even noticed her legs were shaking until she did so, but she managed to stay stable long enough to leave Sugarcube Corner, ignoring the not-so-casual looks that the other people were giving her. At least most of them looked full of pity. Applejack knew she’d be seeing that look for a long time.
She entered her car shakily and sat in the driver’s seat. Her hands stayed on the steering wheel, but no matter what she did, she couldn’t make herself turn the ignition. That meant having to leave what happened behind. But she had to, and she knew that.
Applejack’s phone buzzed in her pocket, snapping her back into reality. She fished in her pocket and took out her phone to see a text from Twilight.
Rarity told me what happened. Are you okay?
Applejack frowned and clicked on the reply button. She stared at the keyboard on her phone, knowing that what she said could further mess things up. Rarity said she hadn’t ruined anything, but Rarity was wrong. Long fingers slowly typed a response, one that Applejack had been practicing her entire life.
Yup. I’m fine.
Author's Note
Here’s a story I’m kinda nervous to post. I know most stories about being trans get downvoted to hell here, and I don’t care. This one doesn’t have a happy ending, which certainly doesn’t help, but it’s the reality sometimes. From the people that have read this, they’ve said it’s sad and jarring and whatever, which was the whole point.
Thank you for reading this, I hope you enjoy it. I expect this to have the worst ratio of anything I’ve ever written, which is fine.
If you want to see more from this AU which I’ve lovingly called the Transverse, consider checking out my Twitter! I’ve been posting about it a lot.
Also, support trans people. Donate to Point of Pride, or any other Transgender Funds.
