This dream was strange, Luna thought to herself. This was not the usual one she experienced. This dream, felt damp. Like submerging one’s self underwater and trying to trot in it. It felt eerie, but tolerable nonetheless.
Luna’s ears perked up. A realization came to her. Is this what those urban ponies call a wet dream? She never bothered learning the meaning of the slang, but this situation definitely fits the term.
It must be all that pent up magic gathering inside her. They must have filled to the brim and were now leaking in certain parts of her psyche, particularly the one where dream magic was controlled.
She found herself trotting towards the throne room, possibly on her way to meet Celestia.
The pony she met there wasn’t Celestia though. It was somepony else entirely. The familiar purple form of Twilight Sparkle welcomed her as she entered the room. Her mane appeared to be dishevelled, her fur unkempt. Her eyes who’ve grown scarlet were relentlessly staring at a white board filled with parchment interconnected with red strings all over. Any urge to blink dwindled into an irritated twitch. Whatever this mare was reading, she clearly poured all her attention on it.
“Twilight Sparkle?” Luna called out to the mare on the throne. “What are you doing here? And what have you done to the throne room?”
Twilight looked up from what she was reading to see who’s talking to her. “Oh hey Luna.” She then went back to looking at the board. “Just trying to check something while day court’s in a break.” She levitated a cup of coffee to her lips and took a sip before continuing. “Shouldn’t you in bed by now?’
Luna could hear the sounds of exploding magic and the clanging of swords outside. It’s probably the Royal Guards doing their combat drills again. She focused her attention back to Twilight who’s barely able to keep her composure. “You didn’t answer my question, Twilight Sparkle. What are you doing here in the throne room?”
This made Twilight to abruptly look away from the board, her face showed a hint of confusion. “Uh, my job? Seriously Luna, I find it really weird for you to still call me by my full name. I thought we’re already over with the formalities after that incident? Just Twilight or sister is fine.”
Luna raised both brows upon hearing this. “Twilight? Sister? You? You’re my sister, Twilight?”
“Yeah.” Twilight said, narrowing her eyes.
“Elder or younger?”
“Elder. Geez Luna, what’s up with you today?”
This was so surreal. She’s loving it. “I’m sorry…’Big Sister.’” Luna said as she looked down at Twilight while struggling to hold back a snort. “It appears that my lack of sleep is starting to take its toll on me.”
“Then off to bed you go.” Twilight said as she focused back on the white board.
“Five more minutes.” Luna replied while inspecting the board that sucked on the mare’s attention like vacuum. With her magic, she a plucked a piece of parchment from the board, and another, and another one.
“These are letters.” Luna concluded. “From Celestia? So if you’re here, then does that mean Celestia’s in Ponyville being-”
“Absolutely perfect, yes.” Twilight groaned, finishing her sentence for her. She summoned another cup of coffee and levitated it towards Luna.
Luna received the cup with her magic and took a small sip. Perfect would be the last thing Luna would portray Celestia as in her dreams. Big flanked or a buffoon, yes. But never perfect. Although this dynamic promises to be interesting. She’d rather see it unfold rather than alter it. “Perfect? In what way?”
“Drink up Luna, your brain’s getting foggy again.”
Luna quickly complied. Once her cup was empty, Twilight refilled it again with her magic.
“In every way Luna! She’s perfect in every way!” Twilight suddenly cried out.
“How is that bad?” Luna replied, taking another sip from the warm brew.
“Oh it’s bad, like really bad.” Twilight emphasized on how bad it was by making her voice sound shaky. “You know how too much of something is bad? It’s that bad!”
“Get to the point,” Luna grinned before continuing, “Dear sister.” She still can’t take this seriously.
“Look at all these letters she sent me!” Twilight slammed her hoof several times on the white board, resulting into some pieces of paper to fall off. “There’s not one of them that tells a story of struggle! No conflict at all! It’s like winning comes naturally for her, like breathing!” Twilight was so close to Luna when she cried out the last line, causing some of the spittle to fly straight into the Princess’s face.
“You don’t have to shout.” Luna said while wiping her face with her hoof.
“Sorry.” Twilight said while backing away. “It’s just that all the plans I’ve set a while ago has gracefully backfired and are now rushing in to bite me in the butt. And now I’m freaking out because of it!”
“Calm down Twilight.” Luna made her voice a little more soothing to ease the mare’s nerves. “What could you have done to merit such a freak out?”
“I tried to kill Celestia.”
“What.”
“Maybe ‘kill’ is too strong a word.” Twilight said while gingerly pressing both forelegs together. “Unlife her? Cease and decease? Cut off her screen time?”
“By Faust!” Luna cried back, soothing voice gone. “What in the world prompted you to do that!?”
“I have a theory.” Twilight answered, red eyes twitching. “And it’s really convincing, I tell you. Because it convinced me! Maybe you’d be too!”
“There’s no way a mere theory will-”
“I think she’s sick with something.”
“Beg your pardon?”
“I think she’s sick!” Twilight raised both forelegs up the ceiling. “The Marey Sue Syndrome? You heard of it? I think she has it!”
“No such disease exists, Twilight Sp-ister.”
“It was discovered years after your banishment.” Twilight’s answer earned a glare from Luna. “So it’s basically like this: once a pony contracted this illness, it turns them into a perfect specimen beloved by all!” She slammed another hoof on the white board. “Exhibit A! And because of this, challenges are now cakewalk, villains into punching bags, and friendship lessons come in by the dozens! Paragons like her should not be left alone running around Equestria! They should be removed! Or at least knocked down a notch! Learn humility! Be flawed! If not then everything would be perfect! There’d be no more struggles, no conflicts, no obstacles to overcome! Ponykind would lose the will to do anything! The core concept of earning cutie marks would cease to exist! I don’t want that! Nopony wants that! The balance must be restored!”
“Alright, alright.” Luna relented. Is this what her subconscious always thought of Twilight Sparkle? A ticking time bomb made of spaz? “Can you at least tell me the things you did to uh,” She scratched her chin before continuing. “Shorten…her lifespan?”
“Well.” Twilight seemed to calm down a bit as she tried to remember something. “It wasn’t an easy process, mind you. Considering you’re up against perfection, you have to go big, you know? Most villains I hired agree on the spot if they’re offered with the right amount of bits. But it’s the heavy hitters that you really have to worry about.”
Twilight emptied her cup before continuing.
“Do you know how hard it is to get a parasprite these days? Pretty hard! Let’s leave it at that. The story’s too gruesome to elaborate on right now. I even had to scam a dragon into buying a property near Ponyville!” She moved a bit closer to Luna and did a whispering gesture. “It’s not really a property by pony standards but he still took it! I even added a couple pillows to sweeten the deal! And then, there’s Chrysalis. Considering how vast and powerful her changeling army is, of course she’s no easy hire. Negotiations were hard. But eventually, we found a middle ground and formed an agreement.”
“And what is this hard thing she demanded from you?” Luna could only shiver pondering such thought.
“She wanted a coltfriend.”
“What terrible bargain indeed. And whose poor soul did you sacrifice just to get this deal on rails?”
“Blueblood.”
“Oh. Then nothing of value was lost.”
Twilight suddenly summoned a card and levitated it to Luna. “Here, I want you to read this.”
Luna looked at the card then back to Twilight. “What for?”
“Any second now they’re gonna come barging at the door! If you don’t want to get involved in the imminent chaos, then I suggest reading the contents of that card.”
“Who will come barging?”
“Celestia and the Elements of Harmony!”
“What!?” Luna turned her head to the closest window. The sounds of battle coming from outside was not a combat drill but instead was actual combat? Things do escalate non-stop in this dream don’t they?
“It appears to be that even with all my resources combined, I still can’t beat perfection. Not only that but Celestia’s perfect deduction skills managed to trace all the clues the villains left back to me!”
“You’re giving me more than I can chew, Twilight. I don’t know what’s really going on but it’s so overwhelming and I’m not liking any of it!”
“Let me put it this it this way, dear sister. Despite my hesitance to accept the fact that I can’t beat perfection, I still devised a contingency plan that’ll get me off the hook for the time being and start all over again! Balance must still be restored, after all. I’m going to pretend that a great evil has fallen over me, a valid reason explaining all those shady deals I made with the villains to topple her down!”
With her magic, Twilight plucked a picture from the white board and showed it to Luna. “Have a look at this.”
Luna complied and looked at the picture. It appeared to be a customized design of the Royal Guard armor. Instead of the standard golden color, it was replaced with all the colors that’s typically associated with villainy: red, black, and of course, purple. It’s like the designer was told to whip up the edgiest piece of armament one could come up in a matter of moments. Luna could only cringe while looking at it.
“Neat huh?” Twilight said, prompting Luna to look away from the picture. “They’re custom made to match my evil persona. It’s all specifically done just for this occasion.” And with that she transformed into her ‘evil’ form.
What stood before Luna was no longer the Twilight she was used to seeing, instead, it was a like warped reflection of her former evil self. How could she describe this without losing the contempt she felt about it…ah yes.
She looked like if Nightmare Moon was purple, and short.
“What do you think?” The ‘evil’ Twilight twirled around so that Luna could see the entirety of this glorious disaster. “Call me Grand Marshall Evenfall!”
Luna could only facehoof at this reveal. This mare has clearly lost her mind!
Twilight then magically refilled Luna’s cup, startling the mare. “No time to get sleepy! Drink up, they’re here!”
As if on cue, the throne room’s giant doors burst open from a destructive magical spell. Royal guards in purple armor guarding the entrance were sent flying inside as well. Smoke filled the wake of destruction. And from it leapt six familiar figures, the Elements of Harmony who appeared to look tired and beat up, and of course Celestia, who still looked fresh despite fighting an entire army just to get here.
“Ahh, if it isn’t my most faithful student, Celestia.” Twilight said in a cartoonishly evil voice. “Long time no see, no?”
Oh Faust, she sucks at this. Luna thought silently.
“The feeling’s mutual, Princess Twilight.” Celestia replied in the most perfect way imaginable. “Or should I call you Grand Marshall Evenfall?”
Luna could only roll her eyes at this exchange. Is this how they look like from a spectator’s point of view? Oh well. She made a mental note to reflect on future situations like this and then summoned herself a bucket of popcorn.
The sound of magic coming from her conjured snack caught Celestia’s attention. “Princess Luna!” The mare formerly known as princess called to her. “Are you in on this?”
Luna gulped down a mouthful of pre-chewed popcorn down her throat, not exactly sure what to do next.
“Your line!” Evil Twilight whispered to her loudly. “Read the card!”
“Uh-oh right.” Luna tossed the bucket and pulled out the card Twilight gave to her earlier. She cleared her throat first before reading what’s written on it. “Oh no…” Her tone was flat, like a school foal asked by their teacher to read a segment of their lesson in front of the class. “My sister turned evil? How could I let this fly under my wing? Save us Celestia. Save Equestria.” Those lines left a bad taste on Luna’s mouth that she gagged violently afterwards.
“That’s right!” Twilight cried out, making her the center of everypony’s attention once more. “Thanks to my genius, nopony was made aware of my plans until it’s too late! I am nigh unstoppable!” With her magic, Twilight lifted herself midair and unleashed a storm of powerful magic that engulfed the whole room in an instant. Everypony was in shambles, save for Celestia, who stood perfectly firm as ever. Luna was sitting at the corner continuing to munch on her popcorn, now drizzled with butter.
“Please Princess!” Celestia called out to Twilight. “Is there any way we can settle this other than violence!?”
“Hah!” Twilight mockingly shot back. “We’re at the endgame now my foolish student! Reason is long out of the question! And there’s nothing that could be done about it! Unless of course, you want to forget all of this happened and I get to treat you to an afternoon at Pony Joe’s.”
Celestia raised a brow. “Wait, really?”
“Yeah, Twilight.” Luna said with her mouth full. “Really?”
“You get to eat all the pastry you want!” Twilight added.
“It’s a deal!”
After the brief negotiation. Twilight’s magical storm quickly dispersed and she floated back down to the ground. She transformed back to her normal self and led the mane six out of the throne room, engaging in small talk like nothing terrible just happened moments ago. Before she left the room, Twilight looked back at Luna, who appeared to be more dumbfounded than ever. “You coming Luna?”
“Seriously?”
Twilight tilted her head at Luna’s reaction. “I’m sorry what?”
“After all that build-up and that’s the ending!?” It was Luna’s term to raise both forelegs now. “A little bit anti-climactic, don’t you think?”
“That’s the point!” Discord popped beside Luna, surprising the tartarus out of her.
“Discord!” Luna cried out in mild frustration. “I knew something like you was behind all this! There’s no way I’d portray Celestia as little miss perfect in my dreams!”
“I was being subversive!” Discord retorted. “It’s all the rage these days! Oh never mind. I was expecting your reaction would be different compared to the other princesses. Guess I’m painfully right after all, you ponies have no eye for real art.”
With a snap from his fingers, Luna woke up from the orchestrated dream. She was back in her bedroom, with Discord hovering himself above her.
“I’ll be taking that.” Discord did another gesture with his claws, and a blue glowing orb came out of Luna’s head and flew straight into his palm. It then disintegrated upon impact, or was it absorbed?
“Perhaps my screenplay was just ahead of its time?” Discord pondered loudly as he exited Luna’s room, leaving the princess alone with her thoughts.
Luna was hit with another strange sensation. She felt unsatisfied, betrayed, like something good was just robbed away from her after a series of relentless escalations. It felt frustrating, agonizing even. Then she recalled the glowing orb of light that Discord took out of her earlier. And another realization struck.
Is this what those urban ponies call getting blueballed?
Author's Note
