Chapters PINKIE IS ON THE CASE and Other Incredibly Dumb Tales
It was a typical day at the bakery, not much happening. The cakes sat still, the muffins sat still, the me sat still. The birds sang quietly; a little TOO quiet if you ask me, and everypony ALWAYS asks for the help of PINKAMINA DIANE PIE, SUPER-DUPER DETECTIVE!!!!!!! I am going to make chocolate peanut butter banana nutella apple cinnamon muffins when-
"Hey Pinkie. What's up-"
"NONE OF YOUR BUISNESS!!!!" I say, a dark look plastered on my face.
"Pinkie, you really need to stop watching those old detective movies." Twilight was up to something, but I couldn't tell what...
"I CAN QUIT WHENEVER I WANT!!!!!"
"Can I just order some orange cupcakes and get out of here?" She says. I hate it when people complain about being in my bakery because it makes me feel like I'm not good enough for them.
"Okay!" I bounced over to the pantry and started makingCUPCAKES! "Are ya sure you don't want anyCANDY in yourCUPCAKES?!?!?!?!"
"No, these are for my grandma, and she just wants a dozen orange cupcakes."
Twilight is definitely up to something.... Who wouldn't putCANDY in theirCUPCAKES?!?!?!
"Here are yourCUPCAKES Twilight!!" It has been exactly two hours, thirty seven minutes, and seventy three seconds since she was last in here... Suspicious....
"Thanks, Pinkie."
The door closes with a slam, and I hear Twilight yelp. "Another twelve cupcakes sold, thanks to Pinkie." I am so super! OR SO I THINK!
A few minutes have passed, two minutes, thirty twelve seconds to be exact, and Twilight comes back in the bakery... VERY suspicious......
"Hey, Pinkie. I think I ordered twelve cupcakes, not..... Three."
"Huh?" This mystery is quite perplexing....
"Well.... I may not be counting correctly, but I think there are only THREE CUPCAKES. ARE YOU TRYING TO TRICK ME OUT OF MY MONEY?" From my long studies of her body language, I have concluded.... She is angry.
"LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR.... PINKAMINA DIANE PIE, SUPER-DUPER DETECTIVE!!!!!!"
"Come on, Pinkie. No need to go through all this trou-"
"If the cupcakes had orange icing, then theCUPCAKE caper must have had an orange coat to hide the icing stains cuz the icing stains really bad- oops Mrs. Cake told me not to tell anyone that sorry Twilight but you either have to die or the easier way is to pinkie swear that you won't tell anyone cuz if you do then Mrs. Cake will fire me and then I'll die cuz I won't have enough money to feed my children when I have children exept I probably won't have children cuz I've friend zoned about every guy here and that's pretty sucky for me because now I can't have children and if I can't have children the Pie family name will no longer exist I mean wait I have siblings to carry the name but I still want to have children and also I want an apple cuz they sound good exept I dont have any apples so I could go talk to Applejack- GASP!!!!"
"Pinkie, Applejack did not steal my cupcakes."
"But it all makes sense! Her coat is orange, so she could hide the icing stain!"
"Please tell me you aren't going to arrest Applejack."
"Stealing is a crime!"
"Just make more cupcakes! This is taking way longer than it needs too."
"PINKIE DOES NOT GIVE UP!!!"
I grabbed Twilights mane and dragged her along the muddy path to Applejack's barn.
"APPLEJACK!" I used my best accusation voice.
"Mother of Celestia... What now, Pinkie?"
"YOU STOLE TWILIGHT'S CUPCAKES!!!!"
"I- wha?"
"Pinkie, Applejack could not have stolen the cupcakes. She was too far away!"
"That's just what she WANTS you to think!"
"Then how in the hay do you think I stole the cupcakes?" She was staring at me, her eyes piercingly bored.
"It all started when....."
Twilight happily danced out the doors to the bakery. The door slammed shut behind her, making her jump slightly. As a result, the box of cupcakes flew high in the air.
"Oh no! My cupcakes! They will most certainly be stolen!!!!" Her voice was a perfect blend of fear and more fear.
When the cupcakes were high in the air, Applejack LASSOED the cupcake box, stole eight cupcakes, and ran away!!! THE END
"What. The. Hay. Was. That?"
"Uh... Pinkie? Twelve minus three is nine, not eight..."
"I SAID NINE!!!"
"Ahm afraid ya didn't, sugarcube."
"Also, I think I would have noticed if Applejack lassoed my cupcakes in mid air."
I have to admit they're right. But Twilight said she didn't notice anypony stealing theCUPCAKES!!
"Well if you didn't see anyone take the cupcakes they must have been moving REALLY fast and one day I hope I can drive a racecar because they move fast and did you know racecar is the same forwards and backwards- RACECAR RACECAR RACECAR RACECAR RACECAR RACECAR RRRRAAAACCCEEEECCCCAAAARRRR- how many other words do that EXEPT for a lot and I mean racecars are fun but they'll never move as fast as Rainbow-GASP!!!"
"Pinkie, come on. Rainbow did not steal the cupcakes-"
"EVERYONE IS A SUSPECT!!!!"
"Rainbow doesn't even like oranges!!!!"
I didn't listen. I grabbed their tails and pulled them to Rainbow's cloud.
"Hey, Pink! What's up?"
"Oh nothing much- Gilda."
"Oh Celestia, not this lame kid again." Gilda has a terrifying expression on her face, so I make an even more terrifyinger face.
"Sugarcube, are you ok?"
"YOU STAY OUTTA THIS APPLEJACK!!!" I snap.
"Ugh you are so LAME! Pink is such a girly color!" Gilda shouts at me. If you haven't noticed, our relationship is pretty complicated.
"Well orange beaks are stupid!"
"At least I have WINGS to fly fast!"
"Well I-GASP!!!!"
"Pinkie, Gilda didn't steal my-"
"YOU DID IT!! YOU STOLE THE CUPCAKES!!!!"
"YEAH!! AND WHAT ARE YOU GUNNA DO ABOUT IT LAME-O?"
"Uh...." No! A flaw in my plan! "Uhhhhhhhhh...... AHA! You have to pay Twilight! Wait, where's Twilight? Where's Gilda and Dash and AJ?"
Out of nowhere, zombies start attacking me! I pull out a sword, and am instantly worried. Swords can't kill zombies! But.... Orange cupcakes can!!!
"DIE ZOMBIES!!!!!!"
Ditzy "Derpy" Doo awoke from her painfully boring and perplexing dream. She felt as though her brain had been hit with a confusion spell, and she was correct. She desperately searched for some memory of last night, anything that would make her remember. She checked under the couch, in her vacuum cleaner, and lastly in the pantry, and what she found made her scream louder than ever possible.
WHAT IS SCARING DERPY SO? WHY IS HER HAIR PINK- i mean wait you don't know that yet FORGET EVERYTHING I SAID
PINKIE IS ON THE CASE and Other Incredibly Dumb Tales
Ditzy "Derpy" Doo awoke from her painfully boring and perplexing dream. She felt as though her brain had been hit with a confusion spell, and she was correct. She desperately searched for some memory of last night, anything that would make her remember. She checked under the couch, in her vacuum cleaner, and lastly in the pantry, and what she found made her scream louder than ever possible.
Earlier......
"Darling! You look FAB-U-LUS!!!"
Rarity's hyperbole didn't bother Ditzy much, but she still thought she looked pretty good in her new dress. Not many ponies new this, but Ditzy LOVES parties; just not hosting them. At the last party she attended, however, someone spilled raspberry punch all over her strapless zebra print dress, her favorite party attire. The new dress was still zebra, but had one spaghetti strap and one large tank top sleeve, with a yellow belt to match her hair. It looked MUCH better than her old one, seeing how it has pink splotches all over it.
"I love it!" Ditzy showed pure joy on her countenance, but it soon slid off. "How much? Mail delivering is not exactly a high paying job..."
Rarity pondered what to do for a few seconds before saying, "Tell you what. Bring me to your next few parties and you can have the dress for free."
Ditzy threw her hooves around her. "Thank you so much, Rarity!" Ditzy took a step back. "Next party is tomorrow night at Dolphin Dream's house!"
"See you then, Darling!"
Ditzy pranced out the door and immediately crashed into a tree. She seemed to be magnetically attracted to stupidity, and ponies always laughed at her. She didn't mind it much, but when ponies call her names, it infuriates her.
Luckily, no one was looking, so she flew up to Cloudsdale. She followed the path to her small yet comfortable house, and lay down on her soft bed.
"Oh hello darling!" Rarity said as she opened the door. It was thirty minutes until the party, and she still had curlers in her hair. "I'll be out in a few minutes. Just have to get ready."
"Hurry. You don't want to be late to one of Dolphin's parties. She can be.... Explosive."
"Oh no worries."
Ditzy worried. Dolphin still lived with her mother, so she didn't often get the chance to throw parties. Dolphin hated it when people were late because she thought they didn't want to come. And Dolphin was very, very, VERY easily angered.
Twenty minutes later, Rarity still hadn't finished getting ready.
"Rarity, we really need to-"
"Darling, don't rush beauty!"
"Rarity, you do understand this isn't the gala, don't you?"
"Of course! If it was the gala, I would spend hours preparing!"
Ditzy sighed. If Dolphin ended up hating her for life, she was blaming Rarity.
Ten minutes later, Rarity exited her bedroom. Her outfit looked as if it had been pulled directly from a Disco calalog and then dipped in pink paint. It took all her strength for Ditzy to not laugh and throw up at the same time. Seeing her face, Rarity was angered.
"You don't like it? I must change!"
"No! No, you look fin-" Her voice faltered on the last word. "Let's go."
On the long walk to Dolphin's house, several attempts at conversation were made, but all of them ended tediously.
When they arrived, the house was booming with the new song by the Beefles, and the ground was vibrating. Dolphin was the first person to greet them. A fake smile was plasterd on her face, and Ditzy knew they were late.
"Hello girls! Nice of you to show up!" Dolphin stared at Rarity. "Ditzy DID tell you this isn't a costume party, Right?"
Rarity made an angry face at Dolphin, but she ignored her and turned to Ditzy. "I found the perfect stallion for you, Ditzy."
"I hate it when you try to set me up with people."
"Come on, he wasn't THAT bad..."
"Let's just go inside."
The music was booming, and everyone was dancing. The party went by in a blur, and soon Ditzy was on her way home before she fell asleep on her couch.
Derpy awoke to the sounds of birds and a massive headache. She was in her party dress, but she couldn't remember what happened last night. It had something to do with a Cupcake Caper..... No, that was her dream. She checked her surroundings, but found no clues. Eventually, she gave up and checked the pantry. Inside was a mirror. The horrific monstrosity in the mirror made her scream until she passed out.
Why is Derpy screaming? What happened hat night? WHY DID THIS STORY ANSWER NONE OF THE QUESTIONS? Find out next time in Pink Part two!!!
PINKIE IS ON THE CASE and Other Incredibly Dumb Tales
Twilight was sleeping soundly in her soft bed, dreaming of a book she had read, RAIN BOOTS and Thier History . She wandered through the town, and everyone was wearing rain boots exept for her. She was out casted, and they were yelling at her. Out of nowhere, somepony screamed,"I wanna hold... Your HOOOOOF!!!"
Twi awoke to a loud concert in the town square. She groggily stood up and looked out her window to see four cows with grey coats playing on a stage in Sugarcube Park. All of ponyville's ponies were gathered around the stage, some Pegusi floating on clouds above them. The mares were screaming, and it was giving twilight a headache.
"I WANNA HOLD YOUR HOOOOOOOOOOF! I WANNA HOLD YOUR HOOF!"
Good , Twilight thought, The songs over. She turned to go back to bed when-
"IF I NEEDED SOMEPONY TO LOVE, YOU'RE THE ONE I'M THINKING OF!!!!!"
Twilight screamed into her pillow. She was never going to get any sleep with this racket. She had stayed up until four in the morning re-organizing the library, so she was extremely tired, even though it was eleven already. Out of nowhere, somepony banged on her door.
Twilight walked down her stairs, but couldn't see straight and fell down. She slowly picked herself up off the floor and went over to her door to find four of the elements screaming in her face, and surprisingly, Fluttershy was one of them. Twilight fell over from the sudden burst of noise.
"What the hay is wrong with you?!" Twilight strained to say over the booming music.
"What the hay is wrong with YOU?" Applejack bellowed, "Its the Beefles' first concert in Ponyville and you aren't outside to see it!!!"
"Well maybe I don't like the Beefles!!!!"
The four gasped, and Rarity pretended to faint.
"How can you NOT like the Beefles!?!?!?" Pinkie said with an attempt at an angry face.
"Like this!" Twilight slammed the door in thier faces. She felt bad, but it was thier fault for waking her up. Well they really didn't wake her up.... But too bad for them! She had books to read anyway!
Twilight pulled out the newest Daring Doo book and began reading.
Daring turned the corner. The evil dogs were still chasing her, but she had a good lead. Suddenly, she tripped over a large rock, and was sent sliding on the concrete. Her entire left side was covered in scrapes and bruises. Just as the evil dogs were about to ounce on her-
"I AM THE DRAGON!!!! GOO GOO KACHOO GOO GOO KACHOOOOO!"
Twilight looked up from her book. Well, maybe just one song... Twilight walked over to her window and listened to the song.
"SITTING IN A CANTERLOT GAAARDEN WAITING FOR CELESTIA....... IF SHE DON'T COME YOU CAN STILL HAVE FUN WITH LUNA...."
Twilight sat through the entire Beefles concert, and loved every minute of it. She wanted every Beefles tee shirt, every album, and every-
"Twilight!!!"
"Aaah!!!!"
Twilight fell back in the chair she was in when Pinkie jumped out from under the window.
"Were you watching the concert-"
"No!" Twilight answered a little too quickly, "No, I was uh.... Reading! That's something I do! Read......"
Pinkie stared at her suspiciously for a few seconds. "Okie-Dokie-Lokie....." Pinkie slowly bounced away, never taking her gaze off of Twilight.
"Umm... Ok..."
A knock on the door interrupted Twilight's thoughts. The knock however, was short lived. Rainbow kicked down the door and walked in as if nothing had happened.
"Why is everyone such an egghead?"
"W... Wha?"
"All this talk of the Beefles... Ugh it's so annoying!"
"I know right?" Twilight said nervously.
Rainbow Dash looked at her with a confused face. "You don't LIKE them, do you-"
"No! I HATE them!!!!!"
"Jees! I didn't mean to insult you or anything..."
"No, it's ok...."
"Uh... I guess I'll be on my way..." Rainbow picked the door up and placed it on its hinges. It fell down, but Rainbow smiled awkwardly and dashed away.
AKWARD SITUATION: avoided. Barely.
PINKIE IS ON THE CASE and Other Incredibly Dumb Tales
"Oh, George,"Twilight said to her life-size cardboard cut out of the guitarist The Beefles ,"Of course I love you!" Her Canterlot accent was ferocious, making even the kindest of animals shudder and laugh at her, not even thinking about her delicate feelings.
On the other side of town, Rainbow was, for the umpteenth time, racing to make a sonic rainboom, to no avail. She still insisted on trying, even after she was dead tired, like at the moment. She had been flying for eight hours straight, and she could barely keep herself in the air.
"RD, maybe it 'bout time you quit for today." Applejack was completely wrong. Rainbow should have quit hours ago.
"No.... Must.... Boom....." Rainbow was breathing at an unhealthy rate, breaths deeper than any pony should ever take.
"C'mon, sugarcube. This ain't healthy-"
Rainbow pitifully flew into the sky, and flew as fast as she could. About halfway to the ground, she passed out and flew straight into Ponyville's library.
Twilight was shocked by this unexpected guest. It was a good thing Rainbow had passed out mid-flight so Twilight had time to put the cardboard cut out away.
"Are you kidding that totally wasn't George!!!!" Twilight shouted to no one in particular. As soon as she saw the condition Rainbow was in, she moved her to the closest person with any medical experience; Fluttershy.
"Oh my, this is the third time this week," Fluttershy said as they arrived.
"My ceiling is dying. The carpenters are making a lot of money, though," Twilight responded.
"Um, Twilight, what's that?"
Twilight turned around to see the cutest little bug ever, even cuter than the Parasprites. It was almost as if it was every cute aspect of anything was smashed on to a bee and turned into a glass like appearance.
"I have no clue....." Twilight suddenly remembered the Beefles had a concert on the radio coming up soon. "Hey Fluttershy gotta run. I have a..... Book... About..... Books! Yeah! That's something I do, reeeead books!" Her smile was badly forced, as Twilight could not act.
"Ok, Twilight. See you soon," Fluttershy said in a daze. What should she call this creature?
Twilight left, but she barely noticed. The creature floated around like a bubble, but was obviously alive. It was such a cute little bug, but it had one stinger, which meant.... Well, that it could sting. For now, she decided, she would call it bubblebee.
The bubblebee's soft puppy dog eyes twinkeled in the sun as it slowly floated around the living area. It floated with the breeze from an open window, along with the current, wafting, wafting, wafting....
The bubblebee swam around the room, and Fluttershy was mesmerized. Her eyes followed its every movement, every turn. It was having such fun, just floating along. The animals inside seemed to be mesmerized as well, but in a different way. Every bunny, every bird, chicken, lobster, cat, dog, owl, turtle, tortoise, EVERY creature got up and flew/crawled/leaped/walked out of the house, but Fluttershy didn't notice. She only saw the delicate little-
The bubblebee suddenly thrust it's stinger at Fluttershy's head. The pain was unbearable, but she couldn't move; she wanted so badly to scream and run away, but she couldn't...... Couldn't........
Her thoughts slowly faded away as her brain was taken from her. Fluttershy had no oppinion on the subject, for she was turned into a mindless zombie.
As the last of the brain was taken from what used to be Fluttershy, the bubblebee, or it's true name, Capneurocapit or something, left the room, leaving a lot of commas in this sentence. Rainbow began to wake up from her sleep, and turned to look at what used to be Fluttershy.
"Woah, Fluttershy, what happened?"
"Uuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh..........."
"Ow! I never thought I'd say this but Fluttershy, please talk quieter," Rainbow said, every word drawing sharp pains to her.
"Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh..........."
"Fluttershy! Shut up!"
"Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh......"
"Aaaaaargh!" Rainbow painfully spotted up and left her house, leaving what used to be Fluttershy just standing in the middle of the room, saying "Uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh" for hours and hours on end.
PINKIE IS ON THE CASE and Other Incredibly Dumb Tales
APPLEJACK READS A BOOK!!!!!!!!!!!
It was one of those dreadfully boring days, ones where you don't want to go anywhere or do anything, but can't stand not to go anywhere or not to do anything. This always confused Applejack, as she didn't want to think about it, but wanted to think about it. She wanted to just sit peacefully under the apple trees, but that's hard when you are always thinking. No one knew this, but Applejack's head was always cramped with math equations; How would she be able to kick apples directly into a basket without angles? So some days, she took a break from all this math to attempt to keep other ponies for thinking she was a nerd, especially around her friends. Don use your fancy mathematics to muddle up the issue! she remembered herself saying. This was one of her many cover-ups, but today, she was just relaxing. Or, at least she would be if she could just stop thinking about math...
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"
Rainbow's scream was loud; louder than her crap-I-am-going-to-crash-into-Twilight's-library scream,but more like her-
"THE NEWEST DARING DOO BOOK JUST CAME OUT!!!!!"
-scream.
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!"
Now that was her crap-I-am-going-to-crash-into-Twilight's-library scream. But not because she passed out from too many failed rainboom attempts; no, she was just in a rush. Sure enough, a few seconds passed, and a crash was heard coming from the other side of town. Applejack sat, contemplating what to do. What the hay. Ahl go geyt a book from Twilight's lahbrary.
"You could read this one- no I like this one- no, this one will...."
Applejack zoned out of Twilight's endless list of good books, when suddenly, an idea popped into her head.
"Hey, Twi, ya got any books about math?"
"Sure, but they are pretty complex, even for me-"
"Ah don't care. Ah just wanna be smart like the rest of y'all."
"Aww Applejack," Twilight said,"you are smart!"
"Says who?!" If someone was spreading rumors about her, she was going to be so mad...
"All of us! You may not be good at math, but that doesn't mean you aren't smart!"
"Ok," Applejack said. At least she wasn't being called a nerd. "Where are the math books?"
"By the nonfiction shelf. If you need any help just let me know."
Like Applejack would need help.
To her disappointment, Applejack realized how much she needed to learn; the latest class she took was Super Advanced Algebra 27, which wasn't even that hard for her, but all the other textbooks made no sense. But she powered through. If she can take a class that almost no pony even knew existed, she could do this, right? It was only Great Geometry 28! How hard could this be? Not to her suprise, very. She spent hours in the library, math swimming around her brain. Every problem looked easy, but she wasn't used to working so hard; she had pretended not to know anything for so long, she had forgotten a lot.
Maybe an should ask Twilight for help... , she thought, but quickly changed her mind. Ahl have to explain that ah ahlready know Super Advanced Algebra 27... So, Applejack tried her hardest to understand, but to no avail.
Maybe ah'll work better at home... Applejack stood up and immediately sat back down. She would have to check out the book, and Twilight would see. Applejack only had one option.
She walked over to a section of the library no one ever went to. It was full of useless books no one ever read. She grabbed a random one that was thicker and taller than her textbook, opened the front cover, and cut a rectangular hole through all the pages with a knife she had in her hat. She always had a knife in her hat. Always.
Applejack slipped the textbook into the hole she had created. The extra pages fluttered to the ground. Not knowing what to do with them, she quickly shoved them in a trash can. She proceeded to check out her book.
"History of the Altostratus Cloud ?" Twilight asked, "I thought you wanted a math textbook."
"Ah well they were so darn borin with their numbers and such."
"And altostratus clouds are less boring."
"Ah love clouds." She wasn't technically lying. She liked them, but she didn't even know what altostratus clouds were.
"If you want a book on all the clouds, I can give you-"
"Nah, this is ok. Ah gotta go. Apples and stuff."
"Ok... Have fun?"
Applejack did not have fun learning Great Geometry 28.
The only reason she was continuing to read this book was because she wanted to be better, even if it was in secret. She studied and studied until her brain hurt, which wasn't very long, so she studied until she was going to explode into tiny pieces and each piece would explode until the pieces reached mollecular level, which was around 5:00 am.
She decided to finally go to sleep, but in the short walk to her bed, she collapsed on the floor with a loud bang. She layed there for fifteen minutes before regaining the energy to walk the rest of the way to her bed. It seemed like walking across an arctic desert that is eighty-five hundred miles long with no food or water, only a heavy jacket to warm her. She longed for the warmth of her bed instead of the cold she experienced now.
"AJ? Are ya sure your ok?"
Applejack couldn't locate the source of the sound, but she knew Applebloom was somewhere.
"Ahm... Fine.... Go..... Ta...... Bed....." She collapsed again.
"What's this?"
Applejack shot up, not knowing where the energy to do that came from. "Nonononononononono!"
"Ouch!" Applebloom said as she looked at the textbook. "This math is so hard, it hurts mah brain to look at it! What course is this?" She turned to the front cover. "Great Geometry 28?"
"Please don't tell anyone," Applejack pleaded,"They'll call me a nerd!"
"Applejack, why would they call you a nerd? Even then, why would you care? They would just be jealous of your talent! Don't let them get to you!"
"Please don't tell anyone?"
Applebloom sighed, realizing this was pointless. "Allright. ONLY if you help me with my math homework."
"Piece of cake."