Laugh! Your Queen Commands It!
Long before ponies knew how to laugh, they learned how to cry.
In the ancient era of separation, ponies were intimately familiar with their darker emotions. Hatred acted as a mask to hide fear, decorating hundreds of muzzles in deep scowls as they spat venom at other races. Unbeknownst to the early settlers of the land, spirits born of cold hearts swarmed to their little towns, bringing a horrible winter that plagued the earth and skies.
While the unicorns, earth ponies, and pegasi chose to seek out new land, others decided to stay in the once Fertile North and reclaim their home.
For years they weathered the unnatural storm, building towers of crystals and stone to keep themselves warm. Ponies were born and died in bitterness, cursing their predecessors for never following their kin ages ago. The hatred and resentment in their hearts only grew with each passing generation, causing the spirits of winter to flock to their desolate kingdom as they fed on their misery. It was a vicious cycle of death and disgust, cold hearts calling out for frigid spirits for years as their kingdom slowly grew.
After generations of desperate survival, the remaining unicorns of their Empire discovered a powerful gem that could defend against the blizzard. The Crystal Heart was a tool that fed off of love and joy to create a barrier around their home. For the first time in many years, the Empire could claim a victory over the storm.
As time passed and the nation grew, the crown was passed on from each generation. Eventually, it came into the hooves of Princess Amore, who later passed it onto her adoptive daughter; A small filly with a pink coat and mane, who would be named Pinkie Pie by the Princess.
“And that’s the story of when I became an evil queen,” Pinkie Pie said as she happily bounced around the two smiling royals.
Prince Shining Armor and Princess Cadence stared off into the distance, only replying with a light chuckle as Queen Meanie trotted back to her throne. “Right? It’s really funny, isn’t it? I mean, that silly goose probably never thought I’d make the Empire sooooo much better when she finally went to that big family reunion in the sky. Or Tartarus, but hey, I’m a bit biased, so I’d like to think that she went up-up-up instead of way-way down. I mean yeah, she was a bit of a meanie sometimes, like that one time I asked for a slice of cake and she said no, so I had to sneak to the bakers.
“But get this. The bakers? Terrible! I know they were trying super-duper hard, but come on! There’re only so many times you can put eggshells in your batter until your queen gets an insy-binsy upset. They’re probably in Tartarus, especially that meanie, Cookie Heart. Ugh, she was the worst pastry chef I ever met. I’m glad I had her executed,” she remarked idly, clapping her hooves together to summon one of her many pastry chefs.
The stallion wore a tight smile on his face, unnaturally wide with tearful eyes as he pushed a cart of cakes into the throne room. “It’s like mom always said, ‘can’t mine a shaft without smashing a few rocks,’ so I had to smash Cookie’s… No, that metaphor doesn’t work. Meh, whatever, it’s still pretty funny,” she chuckled, earning a strained laugh from Cadence as she shoveled cake into her muzzle.
“Anyway, after mom found me in the tundra, she brought me in and put me in an orphanage with a bunch of other fillies and colts, and then she ended up adopting me and we had a really happy time… Until we didn’t. We really didn’t expect it, you know. One day she’s there, and the next, she wasn’t.
“Old age… Not a fun way to go, I think. A lot of ponies cried after that…”
In the silence of her own thoughts, the sound of distant laughter could be heard as she mindlessly chewed on a slice of cake. It was a morbidly delightful tune for her.
“The barrier broke for a bit when we were holding the funeral. It took a while, but we fixed it. Everypony really loved mom, and we were hurt when she left… It’s a bit of a blur, after that. One minute I’m crying, the next I’m laughing a lot.
“I never wanted to take mom’s chair. I never wanted any of this. But it was all suddenly mine, and I needed to protect it… So, I did. It turns out laughter really is the best medicine. Longer lives, stronger barrier, more families, everything is better now.
“Celly and Lulu didn’t see it that way. They did what you’re trying to do. They banished the Empire, made me somepony else’s problem. Ha! Isn’t that funny? I mean, everything’s kind of funny if you look at it, or if you squint reeeeeally hard until it’s really fuzzy and then you forget why you’re squinting and you just giggle at all the colorful shapes. But this isn’t funny, ‘Hehehehehhehe, stop tickling me, silly, I’m trying to do paper work!’
“It’s more like, ‘Ha! Look at this princess who doesn’t know how to run her own nation, let’s all point at her and laugh because she’s not as good as her mommy, and she can never be! So, we need to remind her how much she stinks by being ungrateful jerks and calling her Queen Meanie!’” She ranted, eventually shouting at the royal pair as they continued to laugh at the Queen’s presence.
Her hollow breathing filled the throne room as she glared at the two smiling guests, searching for a hint of judgment in their glassy eyes while they mindlessly nodded.
After a few deep breaths to regain her composure, the Queen trotted down the steps of her take another slice of cake as the royal couple finished their own servings.
“So, anywhoo, that happened. I don’t like to get all mean and shouty like that, but when everypony calls you Queen Meanie behind your back, you tend to get a bit angry from time to time. I also get hangry a lot, and I mean a lot, a lot. Nopony can make food as good as mom did, so I don’t really like to eat that much anymore, and taking care of an entire Empire is a lot of work, too.
“I don’t know where Celly finds the time to relax and stuff her face with cake. I remember this one time she came over for a meeting with mom, and the bakers had to make this really really big cake that was even bigger than my mom. Can you believe that? Is it an alicorn thing? Wait, does that mean you need to eat a lot of cake too? Oh my gosh, I’ll make sure to get enough to eat princess! I'm super duper-sorry!
“Coffee Cake! What are you standing around for? Get our guests more cake to eat, now!” She ordered with a stomp of her hoof.
The smiling chef hastily nodded before trotting off with the empty cart, leaving the queen and her guests alone as she reclined into her throne. With a content sigh, Queen Meanie smiled as the orchestra of laughter outside grew louder.
She closed her eyes to savor the hollow laughter, catching a few hints of genuine joy as she relaxed in her throne room with her two new friends.
It was good to be the Queen. A bit lonely, certainly, but still good… She lied to herself.
While a remorseful queen wallowed in fake happiness in a desolate Empire, a bitter stallion endured a swarm of laugher in a cramped bakery.
Sombra sat behind the counter of Sugar Cube Corner, glaring off into the distance as the ponies around him dove into meaningless chatter.
The constant noise was irritating to the stallion, and was only made worse by a small plucky dragon that trotted in with a small sack of bits.
“Hey Sombra, can I get the usual?” Spike asked, earning a glare from the dark unicorn as he floated over a pink pastry.
“Cryyyystals,” he seethed.
“Great! Thanks Sombra, I can always count on you to remember the gems. Twilight says I shouldn’t eat too many, but I’m sure I’ll be fine.”
“Slave?”
“No, I’m not a slave, Sombra,” Spike dismissed with a playful eye-roll. “Twilight’s like a sister to me. Plus, she hatched me from an infertile egg. The least I could do for her is make sure she actually remembers to eat. Oh, which reminds me, do you have any eclairs left? Twilight really likes them.”
“Crystals.”
“Darn, only crystal eclairs? Well, ring ‘em up anyway. I can just pick them out for her.”
Following the little reptile’s order, Sombra packed up a crystal eclair in a bag before his tail violently swung like a pendulum. His mouth felt dry, his knees weak, forelegs oddly heavy, and he suddenly recalled his mother’s famous spaghetti.
“Hey, Sombra, you okay?” Spike asked as Sombra’s tail knocked over several cleaning supplies.
The dark stallion remained stoically silent as he forced his tail to stop, eventually gazing off into the distance as his vocabulary expanded by two words.
“Soul-mate.”
