Beard

by TCC56

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, Comedy, Starswirl the Bearded, Starlight Glimmer, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2099

Twilight Sparkle has decided that she wants to be friends with Starswirl the Bearded. Friends... with benefits.

Twilight Sparkle has decided that she wants to be friends with Starswirl the Bearded.

Friends... with benefits.

And now Starlight has to hear her entire plan to do it, no matter if she wants to or not.

Written for the Pillars Shipping Contest!

Featured 7/8/2021!

Published 2021-07-08 19:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-07-08 19:20:01 UTC

The Best Laid Plans...

"Starlight, I think I'm ready."

Starlight Glimmer looked up from her book. "Twilight, not that I mind you interrupting me reading a treatise on pegasi techniques for instilling wind magic into objects - by which I mean I'm busy right now - I have no idea what you're talking about. So maybe…" She waved a hoof vaguely in the air. "Details?"

"Right! Details! Yes! I should give you those!" Twilight bounced, not quite hitting a full pronk but making a fair attempt at it. "I've decided to take the initiative and widen my horizons vis-a-vis interpony relationships and long term attachments by way of shared physical activities to establish greater bonds."

"..." Starlight slowly closed her book and set it aside. She fixed Twilight with an irate look. "In Ponish, Twilight."

Twilight bit her lip."I'm going to start a relationship."

A beat passed.

Starlight continued to give Twilight a look.

"...I'm going to start a relationship by initiating acts of physical pleasure?"

Starlight leeeeeaned forward.

That broke Twilight and she surrendered. "I'm going to seduce Starswirl because I think he's hot!"

Instantly, Starlight visibly regretted asking as her face screwed up in disgust. "Ew! Twilight, what the heck! Even leaving out the time in Limbo he's triple your age! He's all wrinkly and ancient."

Incised, Twilight jabbed Starlight with a hoof. "Oh excuse me for being attracted to intelligence! You don't see me criticizing you for being a morosexual!"

It took a few seconds for Starlight to break the word down before she slapped Twilight's hoof away. "Hey! I'll have you know I'm attracted to Trixie because she's cute and caring and a great friend! Not just because she's a gigantic dumbass even though that's really sexy!"

Now it was Twilight's turn to give Starlight a look.

Muttering, Starlight crossed her forelegs over her chest. She let Twilight bask in the glow of victory for a few moments before getting back on track. "Look, Twilight, you can't just walk into Starswirl's room and shout 'take me'. How do you know if he's even attracted to you? There's a really good chance he isn't. Please tell me you've got a plan. Like asking--"

"Of course I have a plan!" Twilight unrolled a scroll that dropped to the floor. "I'm going to seduce him in seventy-three easy steps that can't possibly fail!"

Knowing exactly where this was going, Starlight sighed and teleported a bowl of popcorn into her lap.

It is the precisely calculated time of 7:19pm. Long enough after dinner for the meal to have settled and dishes to be washed, but not deep enough into the night for other activities to have reached the point where interrupting them would be awkward. Additionally, the time cross-referenced with the date means that the moon is rising and will break the horizon at exactly 7:21.

I approach the door to Starswirl's room carefully, keeping to the carpet in the middle of the hall so as not to step on the crystal castle's floors and alert him of my presence early. Knocking on the door, I have exactly fifty-three seconds to position myself before Starswirl crosses from his desk to the door.

When he opens the door, I am posed perfectly: silhouetted against the moon as it rises, my warm smile bright and eyes glittering in the torchlight. "Hello," I say. "Starswirl, do you have a few minutes? There's a project I'd like to discuss with you." I bat my eyes prettily.

His heart skips a beat at my beauty.

"Okay, setting aside that talking about your own beauty is pretty Rarity of you," Starlight pointed out, "I'm still not entirely convinced that Starswirl has a heart. And if he does, missing a beat could kill him at his age."

Twilight glowered at her friend. "Enough with the age thing." She cleared her throat and continued.

"Twilight," he replies warmly. "You should know by now you're always welcome in my chambers. I am the one in your castle as well as in your debt, after all."

I laugh, delicate as a glass bell. "It's still right to ask permission first. Princess Celestia taught me better than that."

"The student's student, speaking to the master." He smiles and steps aside. "Please, come in. Any project you find worth your time has my interest as well."

I enter the room, letting him close the door behind me. The room smells of ink and old paper, tinged with just a hint of masculine musk. Meandering, I run a hoof along the quilt on his bed - a perfect representation of the constellation Delphinus, the stars properly shaded (Alpha, Epsilon and Zeta blue-white; Beta and Delta white; Gamma an orange-gold and yellow binary) against a background of the night sky.

"Starswirl," I start, "Ever since your return, you said that you've been trying to delve deeper into Friendship, right?"

He nods. "The magic of friendship, yes. It is a subject that I had woefully dismissed previously. However, thanks to your intervention I've learned quite a lot in a short time."

I blush demurely. "I simply did what any genius princess friendship expert would do."

"Laying it on a bit thick there, Twilight?" Starlight levitated another piece of popcorn into her mouth.

Twilight harumphed. "This is Starswirl the Bearded. He's the best of the best! If I want to attract him, I can't be bashful."

"Trading bashful for boastful," Starlight snarked.

"Don't make me bring up Trixie again," Twilight warned. "Now hush and let me keep going."

Starswirl laughs, taking my small brag in stride. "And we all must live up to that."

I sit on the edge of the bed, letting him control our proximity for the moment. "Well, I've been studying a new aspect of friendship lately, and I think you're the perfect pony to help me advance it from theory into practice."

"I would be honored." Starswirl trots over to his desk, pulling out a quill and a scroll. "Tell me - what have you discovered so far?"

"Well," I begin, "The primary factor of this study has been attempting to cross-reference my own specializations with those of other princesses. In theory if there's a bridge between our skill sets, it has a lot of promise for boosting effectiveness. The magic of friendship could be a lot stronger by leveraging an additional source."

Enthusiastically, Starswirl nods as he begins to write. "A sensible theory. Creating synergies between different disciplines of magic does have historical evidence in favor, so your hypothesis is starting from a strong point."

I smile to myself. "Yes. A little bit extra, and we could be more than just friends."

A similar smile comes to his lips - though one lacking my same level of knowledge. "I think I would enjoy that very much, Twilight."

Pushing things a little further, I lean backwards on his bed. Starswirl doesn't notice, as he's far too dedicated to his work with the scroll. "Have you established a connection like that before, Starswirl? I know that friendship is something you didn't seek out, but with the ones you had - have you ever had something deeper before?"

"Are you seriously trying to ask Starswirl the Bearded if he's a virgin?"

Twilight's wings flared defensively. "It's part of the plan! And it's important to establish baseline knowledge beforehoof. Not doing so could lead to assumptions that, in both the short and long term, could be detrimental to establishing an ongoing relationship."

Starlight sighed.

It's a question that Starswirl considers carefully. "Few if any would qualify," he eventually admits. "Though I would not have thought of it at the time, calling the other Pillars merely friends seems too mild a term. And I cannot deny there is a deeper connection between my students and myself - the Princesses being a prime example. But… no, before our return and what you taught me? I cannot say I had such a connection - at least not in any way I was aware of at the time."

I can't help a moment of predatory glee. "Hopefully we'll change that," I demure.

The quill scratches away rapidly, taking down initial notes. "I presume you've done considerable research on the topic already, from what you're saying? What should I title the experiment?"

I already know the answer because I have a checklist and of course it includes that, but I still pause for a moment to look like I'm thinking so I seem spontaneous for him. "Exploration of nonplatonic di-individual inter-relations via corporeal experiences."

Dutifully, Starswirl marks the title down on the scroll. Then he pauses, re-reading it and not entirely comprehending it. The individual pieces parse fine, but it takes him several seconds to bring it all together.

Then his back straightens up and he looks over to me - to me, lounging backwards on his bed with a smile and hunger in my eyes. His mouth works wordlessly, searching for something to say when presented with my proposal.

I don't wait for him to find them. I rise from the bed and slowly walk to him. Each step crosses over the last in the careful runway canter Rarity has shown me many times, forcing my hips to sway. My wings are half-out - enough to show them off, but not so much as to be taken as a threat display. I keep my eyes locked on his the entire time, making certain that his attention is nowhere but me.

"Yes." I let the word tumble from my lips, breathy and heavy. "I'm suggesting that. I want exactly that. To combine my discipline with Princess Cadance's - to explore the boundaries of friendship and love, and every little thing in between. The benefits of friendship."

His eyes widen. "T-Twilight, I--"

I reach out, letting one of my primary feathers caress his cheek - before flicking one of the bells on his hat. "A rigorous study. In depth and with repeated trials to ensure being scientifically robust. A longitudinal project that will require experiments over and over for the foreseeable future." I lean closer, my lips just a hair's breadth from his. "It will be long. It will be hard. But I'm eager to find just how deep our friendship could be. Aren't you?"

Twilight stopped and pouted. "Are the gagging noises really necessary, Starlight?"

"It's either that or laughter," Starlight quipped before swallowing another piece of popcorn. "Look, Twilight, I get that this is totally your fantasy and more power to you for that. And you're not wrong that Starswirl's probably never known the touch of a mare. But this is getting pretty, uh." She hesitated for just a moment. "You sound like one of Rarity's novels."

Instantly, Twilight blushed brightly. "I do not!"

"You absolutely do."

Petulantly, Twilight stomped. "Well then fine! I won't keep going and you'll just have to wonder what steps nineteen through seventy-three are!"

Starlight blinked. "You dedicated fifty-four steps to having sex?"

"Pft, no." Twilight rolled her eyes. "Only forty. Aftercare is important too."

Starlight groaned in agony, the back of her head thumping against the chair. "Twilight, seriously. Save yourself a lot of headache and talk to Starswirl first. This plan is going to get you into a ton of trouble. You don't even know if he's interested in--"

Twilight's magic clamped around Starlight's mouth. "Wait, stop. What time is it?"

Unable to reply because of said mouth-clamping, Starlight lifted a clock up.

"Oh no!" Twilight released her friend-slash-protegee. "It's 7:13! I have to get into position!"

Before Starlight could say anything more, Twilight stampeded off in a panic.

Going back to her book with a sigh, Starlight tried to push the utterly ridiculous situation out of her mind. But she couldn't - she knew what the time was. And sure enough, eight minutes later and coincidentally just as Spike walked in, Twilight's horrified scream echoed through the walls of the crystal castle.

Barely in the door, Spike stopped and frowned. "What the…"

Starlight didn't look up from her reading. "Twilight went upstairs to try and seduce Starswirl."

That merely confused the dragon more. "But, wait, doesn't she know that--"

"Yuuuup." Starlight idly flipped to the next page. "She had no idea, and she just interrupted Starswirl and Sunburst 'comparing beards'."

With a heavy sigh, Spike shook his head. "For how intelligent Twilight is, she can be such an idiot sometimes."

"Yeah," Starlight agreed with a slight blush. "It's so hot."

Author's Note

As I'm sure someone will ask: Morosexual.