"Maud is coming too, if that's okay," added Starlight Glimmer, just as Trixie started walking away.
Trixie froze mid-step and winced. "Ah, that's... sure!" she said, then turned around to face her wife with an unconvincing smile. "I thought it would be just the two of us, though?"
"It's only brunch, Trixie. You and I see each other all the time," said Starlight as her brow knitted. "You seem really nervous. Are you feeling overwhelmed by the responsibilities of your new job? I promise we'll have time together on evenings and weekends. I know school counselor can be—"
"No, Starlight. The job is simple enough. I'm not as tightly-wound as you are, okay?" interrupted Trixie. After an awkward pause, she planted a hoof over her face. "Ugh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that to come out all bitchy."
Starlight waved a hoof as though brushing the thought aside. "It's fine. I know I can be a little high-strung. I just want you to be comfortable when we go out. Are you adjusting well to moving in?"
Trixie sighed and rolled her eyes. "The Castle of Friendship, as the name suggests, is a castle. Trixie lived in a wagon for most of her life. It's actually a slight improvement," she said, her voice thick with sarcasm. "Sure, it's a little weird going to sleep in a normal bed, but I think Trixie will manage."
Starlight smiled, but her brow didn't smooth. "I know you pretty well, hon. Trixie doesn't usually refer to herself in the third pony when she's offstage unless she's feeling stressed."
Through clenched teeth, Trixie said, "Trixie is fine, Starlight!" Then she closed her eyes tight and took in a slow breath before speaking again. "Okay. Maybe I'm a little out of sorts, but it's just the surprise change in plans, that's all. I'll go grab my cape and put on a little makeup, and I'll meet you at the entrance."
Trixie turned and cantered away before her wife could respond.
Maud Pie was already seated at an outdoor table as Starlight and Trixie approached the Ponyville Cafe. "Cooee," she called, waving to the pair.
"I hope I didn't make us late," grumbled Trixie as they approached the table. She repeatedly tugged at the brim of her hat with telekinesis, obsessively tightening it down around her scalp. "I started leading Starlight here, but I got this place mixed up with the Hay Cafe in my head." The sweet scents of fried and floral breakfast foods wafting from the cafe made her mouth water and her belly rumble.
"You aren't late. I'm early," said Maud, in her low, monotonal voice. The earth pony was wearing the same blue jumpsuit-like dress she always wore, and had on some professional-looking makeup that almost stood out more than her overly large muzzle. "Thanks for inviting me."
Starlight sat down on one of the stools positioned around the table and rested her hooves on the paper tablecloth. "I know Trixie doesn't get to see you as often as I do," said Starlight. "I want my wife to be a part of my social circle."
"Trix—um, I want that too, of course. Yes," said Trixie, wearing a plastic grin. She awkwardly straddled her own stool, pulling her cape carefully around her to cover her flank as she eased onto the seat. Trixie glanced rapidly left and right at the other outdoor patrons and bit at her lower lip.
"The waitpony should be back any minute," said Maud, motioning toward the building. "She left me a glass of water. I decided to wait for coffee until you both got here."
"I try not to talk to Trixie until she's had her first cup in the morning," joked Starlight, playfully poking her wife with a hoof.
Trixie's brows raised high. "I'm a real Ursa Major in the mornings, alright," she agreed as she stared down at her hooves. Trixie looked back up to the table but avoided meeting eyes with Maud. "Oh, menus!" she noticed aloud, then promptly grabbed one and buried her muzzle in it.
"Right. So, um..." said Starlight, "what have you been up to, Maud?"
"I have something cool to show you both after the meal," she said. Her expressionless face showed no hint of enthusiasm, but the other mares knew this was normal for Maud.
"Really? Hay, maybe we can go do that now and just skip brunch altogether," said Trixie, perking her ears up. "Y'know, just a thought."
"I thought you were hungry?" asked Starlight. "I certainly need a meal, so I'm not going anywhere."
"Right. Trixie... was just kidding," said Trixie, and then she coughed into her hoof.
"You need to work on your comedic timing," said Maud, tapping at her pastern as though she wore a watch. "Stand-up comedy is my main hobby. Apart from rocks, of course."
"See? That's something you two have in common," said Starlight. "You're both stage performers."
Trixie's ears swiveled forward and she looked up from the menu. "That's kind of surprising, actually. Trixie has a hard time picturing you as the comedic type."
"Comedy is all about the unexpected," said Maud. "When I'm funny, that's unexpected. So it's funny."
"But when you're not funny, isn't that expected, so it still isn't funny?" asked Trixie, raising a brow.
"Exactly," said Maud. "I'm still working on that part."
A server walked up to the table on three legs as Trixie finished talking. "This must be the rest of your party," said the server. She had a small pad of paper in one hoof and a pencil on a chain around her neck, which she took into her mouth. "Can I take your orders?" she asked, quite adept at talking even with her mouth around a pencil.
"You can go ahead, Maud, if you're ready," said Starlight. "I need to look over the menu first."
Maud turned to the waitpony. "Coffee, decaf, black. Eggs over medium. Hay browns, smothered. Cranberry juice. Wheat toast with butter, no jam needed. Oh, is the rock candy here made with real rocks?"
The waitpony laughed brightly. "Oh, goodness. Of course not, dear."
"Oh. Too bad. I'm sure my sister would like it anyway, but they already keep the fake kind in stock where she works," said Maud, eliciting a brief confused look from the server.
"Okay then sweetie," said the waitpony. She turned to Trixie, whose forelegs were wrapped tightly around her body as she ducked her head low. "And, you—?" added the server, but the odd way she spoke the word 'you' it sounded like it wasn't supposed to end the sentence.
Trixie swallowed an empty gulp of air and sat up straight and tall. With a practiced voice softer and higher in pitch than her usual one, she looked the server in the eyes and said, "The Great and Powerful Trixie would like waffles—no, wait, the syrup would get all over Trixie's lipstick. Trixie will go with one of your famous large blueberry muffins, coffee with creamer, and a bowl of oatmeal with brown sugar."
"Of course. Anything to drink?"
"A tall glass of milk will be just fine, thank you." Trixie relaxed her posture slightly and turned her head to look away from the restaurant.
"And you, miss?" added the waitpony, turning to Starlight. "Do you need some more time?"
"No, I'm fine," said Starlight, setting her menu down. "Waffles sound great to me; I'll take as much syrup on my lips as I can fit! I'll have the orchard grass and daffodil blend patties with it, water is fine—no, wait, I'll have a hot cup of Oolong. Oh, and you can choose anything else that comes with the dish—I'm not picky."
"Certainly. I'll be back in a jiff with two waters to start," she said after spitting out the pencil, and trotted off toward the kitchen.
"Trixie, are you okay?" asked Starlight. "You seem really uncomfortable today."
Trixie's eyes widened as she turned her attention back to the table. "What? Yes! Yes, Trixie is fine," she said. "Just... sometimes Trixie is a little nervous in crowds, that's all."
"That's strange," said Maud. "You're a showpony with even more experience than me. But I know being on stage is very different from being in public. Is it because you're worried about your lipstick?"
Trixie looked over to Starlight, who looked back with a curious expression on her muzzle, clearly wondering herself. "Trixie... just likes to look her best in public, that's all," she said.
"Trixie, you look amazing," said Maud. "You always look amazing." Trixie blushed in response.
"I tell her that every day, but she never listens. Nopony is going to notice your lipstick but you, hon," chided Starlight, gently petting Trixie's back as she reached over to her chair.
Trixie shrugged. "Well, I guess that's still reason enough for Trixie to care."
It wasn't long before the waitpony returned with food and drink, and they began to eat.
"Anyway, the surprise is about kites," Maud said between slow bites of food. She took great care to cut the eggs and hay in a perfectly rectilinear manner. "I probably should have asked Starlight to bring one for each of you."
Starlight's eyes widened, and she quickly took a swig of hot tea to clear her mouth of waffles. "Ouch, that was hot! No, don't worry about it, Maud. I can summon them whenever I need to," she replied, smiling wide at the mention of her own favorite non-magical hobby. "I keep a magic link to my kites just in case I need one. Trixie's, too." She kept her mouth open and fanned her mildly-burnt tongue with a hoof.
Trixie chuckled and smiled slightly, wiping a bit of oatmeal from the corner of her lips with a napkin. "Star got Trixie a new kite recently, so I'm sure she'll be eager to show it off," she said, very briefly looking Maud in the eyes before turning her head to face her mate. "Trixie's not very good at flying kites, but I suppose she—er, I mean I, of course—couldn't ask for a better teacher."
The meal passed quickly with small talk, mostly about kites and daily life. Trixie relaxed a little during the conversation, but she stiffened slightly each time the waitpony walked nearby.
"I'll take the check," Maud told the server at the conclusion of the meal.
"Oh, Maud. You don't have to do that," said Starlight.
"I insist. My knowledge of which gemstones are rarest and where to find them means I have access to a surprising amount of wealth," she said, "even if I don't live in a castle like the two of you. Besides, I like being generous."
As the waitpony interacted with Maud, Trixie ducked and shut her eyes tight. When she reopened her eyes, both Maud and Starlight were staring at her.
"What in Equestria has gotten into you today?" asked Starlight, reaching over to the brim of Trixie's hat.
"Ah! Not Trixie's hat," she said, recoiling and adjusting it. "Trixie just—no, it's nothing, really. It's all okay now."
Maud pulled bits out of her flank pack and tossed them on the table. "Starlight, Trixie... I think we should do this another day. Or maybe just not all of us together."
"What?" said Trixie, grimacing. "No! No, please, Trixie doesn't mean to be weird, she swears! Trixie is very, very sorry, Maud. Really. We can go wherever you want, and Trixie will be perfectly normal."
The expression of concern on Starlight's face cut deep enough to threaten permanent wrinkles. "I'm worried, hon. This isn't normal for you. Maybe Maud is right."
"Please," said Trixie, bowing her head low. "Please."
A long moment passed filled only by the sounds of kitchen staff in the background and soft conversation from the other tables.
"Okay," said Maud, finally. "Come with me." She turned and began walking away.
Trixie sighed deeply and followed, with Starlight right on her hooves.
"Trixie, what's wrong? We can do this another day, seriously. I'm concerned," Starlight whispered in her ear.
"Trixie is fine. We... can talk about it later," mumbled Trixie. "Trixie needs a chance to make a better impression on your friend."
Maud walked down into a cavern, and after a few short twists and turns the little herd arrived at an enormous expansive underground lake surrounded by mosses and waterfalls. Light streamed in from above through holes in the rock ceiling. Open areas covered by canopies were clearly being used as living quarters, and there were also a few small, entirely enclosed wooden structures.
"Welcome to my home," said Maud.
Trixie's jaw dropped. "This... is the most beautiful home Trixie has ever witnessed with her own two eyes, and just for reference, Trixie currently lives in an actual crystal castle."
"Thank you. I suppose when I said I didn't live in a castle you mistook that as a suggestion of normality," said Maud. "Nature gets most of the credit, to be fair. Bats don't like the kind of rocks that compose the cavern ceiling, so it stays clean down here. Prolonged exposure to guano is dangerous to your health. Also, I don't want to live covered in bat droppings."
"I forgot you've never been here before, Trixie," said Starlight. "This place wasn't considered part of the cavern system because it hadn't been explored, so nopony owned the property rights. Maud's sister Pinkie was able to convince Twilight to pull some strings."
Trixie rolled her eyes as obviously as possible. "Pfft. Must be nice," she said. "Er, no offense."
"None taken. I don't think anypony should be able to 'own' nature, but I admit I like the solitude it provides," said Maud. "Now I have something to show you." Maud walked alongside the edge of the lake toward a tent.
"Thanks for inviting us here, Maud. Trixie is sorry about... being weird," said Trixie as she tagged along.
"I know," said Maud. As they approached the tent, they could see a kite string attached to one leg. Maud led them down to the other end of the string. A kite shaped like a boulder rested there on the cavern floor.
"Well, you have my interest piqued," said Starlight Glimmer. "I can't imagine why you would keep a kite tied up here in a cavern."
"Observe," said Maud. She walked back toward the tent, stared up at the ceiling, then took a calculated throw upwards with the kite. It fell right back down to the ground with a soft plop.
"Wow, that was... something," said Trixie.
"It may take a few tries," said Maud. "Be patient." She narrowed her eyes and studied the ceiling above her, then pitched the kite upward again. This time it hesitated halfway up, then slowly gained altitude, bobbing in place. After a few more moments, the kite surged away from the tent and its string pulled taut just as it would in a good headwind.
"Maudileena Daisy Pie, you are flying a kite underground," said Starlight, in a tone of voice that sounded like she was trying to convince herself what she was saying was legitimate. "Oh, my Heavenly Stars. This is incredible! But, how?"
"It's a combination of two effects. There's a thermal vent here that blows through the porous dolomite, if you can see where I'm pointing. That causes the kite to rise if you aim it just right. The wind stream above which makes it fly originates from the holes in the high ceiling over there," she said, pointing back to the main part of the large cavern, "and it flows into the tunnel system in that direction due to an air pressure differential that's usually present. So it doesn't work when it's raining, due to the air pressure. Even under ideal conditions the wind stream is unstable, so my record for a flight is only eleven minutes and seventeen and a half seconds. It also took me a while to get the string length just right. Still, I thought you might want to try it yourself."
"You were right about this being cool," said Trixie, tipping her hat back slightly so she could get a better view of the kite above her. The angle of attack barely kept the kite from hitting the ceiling of the cave as it sloped down toward a large exit tunnel. "Starlight, your friend is impressing the cape off of Trixie right now."
Starlight smiled brightly. "She's pretty good at doing that, isn't she?" she said. "I'll summon our kites..."
"Wait," said Maud, and she sat down on a patch of moss. "Sit with me, please." The two unicorns followed her lead, curious expressions on their faces.
"What's this about?" asked Trixie, awkwardly crossing her legs beneath her.
Maud blinked very slowly and then looked Trixie dead in the eyes. "Trixie, I need to know what your deal is."
Trixie's forehoof rapidly tapped the moss patch she was sitting on. "T-Trixie doesn't know what that means," she said, breaking eye contact to stare back up at the kite.
"I need to tell you something personal," said Maud. "Please look at me. I'm—"
Trixie looked back at Maud. "Yes, yes, you're transgender. Trixie knows," she said, pushing her hooves out in front of her. After an awkward moment of silence, she quickly added, "Wait, not because Trixie can tell, or anything! She just means Starlight has told her about it. Trixie is transgender too! It's fine!"
"That's... not what I was going to tell you," said Maud.
"Yikes," mumbled Starlight. "Er, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for that to be out loud."
Gritting her teeth, Trixie punched the moss with her hoof hard enough to make a 'clop' sound on the stone beneath it. "Horsefeathers! Maud... Trixie is so sorry. She didn't mean to call attention—"
"That's okay," said Maud. "I'm not ashamed of being transgender."
"Oh, that's good," said Trixie, breathing a sigh of relief. The tension in her shoulders and face relaxed.
Maud blinked, again very slowly, then asked Trixie: "Are you?"
Overhead, the kite string lost tension and fell quickly down to the cave floor where the cross spar hit the ground perpendicularly, making a loud 'thunk' sound. Starlight covered her mouth with a hoof.
Trixie leaned so far away from the conversation she almost fell over backwards. It took her a moment to say, "W-what?"
Maud sighed softly, which was the most emotion Trixie could ever remember seeing her display. "Let me back up a moment. I was going to tell you that I'm autistic," she said.
"Oh, this is interesting. Trixie, Maud thinks one of the reasons Pinkie is so animated is it allowed her to communicate with..." began Starlight, but she squinted and stopped short. "I'm sorry. I'm just... very nervous right now. I'll be quiet."
"For the record, I don't think Pinkie understands I'm autistic. She just acts intuitively. I'm pretty sure everypony in my family has a touch of autism in different ways, including Pinkie, but with me it's 'full-blown', so to speak. That's not why I'm coming out to you about my condition, though," said Maud. "I wanted you to know that although I'm very intelligent and have had lots of practice, it's difficult for me to detect and understand the emotions of other ponies. Even so, I could tell you were embarrassed to be seen with me today."
Trixie rocked slowly in place and rubbed her watery eyes. "Trixie is... I'm sorry," she whispered. "That isn't why Trixie acted that way, but it's still awful. Trixie knows. She needs to try harder."
"Are you sure, Maud? I didn't see it that way, and I'm not autistic at all," said Starlight. "Is this why you were acting strangely, Trixie?"
"You're very close to your wife, Starlight, so I can understand why you didn't see it. And I don't mean this in a negative way, but you're cisgender," said Maud. "You might not notice some of the cues that transgender ponies pay attention to, even when those cues are strong enough for me to pick up on."
"You don't see Trixie embarrassed often, Star," whispered Trixie, grinding her forehooves together hard enough to make a soft scraping sound. "But Trixie isn't embarrassed by Maud, not exactly. It's harder to pass for a mare when you're around another transgender mare, and Trixie is... embarrassed by herself."
Starlight Glimmer frowned slightly. "I don't understand why. Trixie, you pass very well. I doubt most of your friends here in Ponyville even know you're transgender, since you never talk to anypony else about it," said Starlight. "Maud is the only pony I've told, and that's just because she opened up to me about being trans herself, so I thought it would be okay and ohhh that's why you were dreading this."
"I knew before Starlight told me, but that's only because I have very keen eyes and you haven't had the realignment surgery, apart from the implants and face. Your cloak is a good modesty guard, but it isn't as foalproof as the dress I wear," said Maud. "But I don't think the problem is just that I'm transgender. It's that I don't pass well, isn't it?"
"What? No! No, you're... you're fine," said Trixie, in a remarkably unconvincing tone of voice.
"As you no doubt understand, there are two kinds of passing. There's one kind where ponies treat you like a mare because they can figure out that's how you want to be treated, and there's a second kind where they don't figure out that you're transgender at all so they don't need to think about it or make a judgment. I'm not good at the second kind, and I don't try very hard because it wouldn't do much good," said Maud. "It's hard to judge my own mannerisms because of my autism, so I probably act a lot like a stallion. Also, my voice is very masculine, and I'm not very attractive."
"Maud, I think you're very pretty. Seriously," said Starlight. "You're not conventional, but that's part of your charm."
"How you look is fine," said Trixie. "Your makeup is absolutely perfect, by the way. But it really shouldn't matter either way."
"Trixie, those things are also true, but they don't make my points false. I need the makeup and the dress so that I can pass the first way, so I'm very careful about those," said Maud. "In any event, I know you didn't intend to treat me the way you did or else I wouldn't have invited you into my home. I'm already used to not passing. I can deal with rejection."
"Trixie is... not good with rejection," admitted Trixie. "Oh! Trixie could really help you with your voice, if you wanted..."
"I don't need help with my voice," replied Maud, and Starlight facehoofed.
"...aaaaaand Trixie is also terrible at everything in this particular conversation," said Trixie, wincing.
"It's okay. I choose to take that as a generous offer, not an insult. That's part of my three-prong attack to handle rejection: assume the best in others. The second prong is that I rarely notice rejection because of my autism, but that prong doesn't always work because sometimes things are too obvious. Did you notice how the waitpony responded to me?" she asked.
"I'm sorry. I was too busy paying attention to how she treated me," said Trixie. "I didn't get gendered either way by her. She even stopped short before calling me 'sir' or 'miss'..."
"I'm certain that's because you were acting so weird, not because you don't look like a mare," said Starlight. "I didn't notice anything unusual about the waitpony's interaction with Maud, though."
"Our server made a point to call me 'sweetie' and 'dear'. That hurt a little," explained Maud. "I don't show my emotions on my face, fortunately. Third prong."
"Huh? Isn't that how you'd like to be treated?" asked Starlight. "Sorry, I'm way out of my element here."
Trixie shook her head. "She means the server was trying to be obvious about the fact that she considered Maud to be a mare," she explained. "It was different from how she treated you and I. I don't think she was 'virtue signalling' or anything, though. She was just trying to be nice, and was naive about how that might make Maud feel. Some transmares might be thrilled by that, but others would take exception to being singled out."
"Yes. I could choose to believe she did it out of pity due to my appearance, or I could choose to believe she was just trying to be nice," said Maud. "In this case, though, I think you had something to do with it."
"Oh no. Maud..." said Trixie, grimacing.
Maud held up her hoof, and Trixie went silent. "Again, it's fine. I'm comfortable with the way I am—my voice, my appearance—even if you aren't. But this is a little off-topic because the conversation wasn't supposed to be about me. I wanted to talk because I'm concerned about you."
"Oh, well... Wait, what?" said Trixie.
"Do you remember the question I asked you after we sat down?" asked Maud.
Trixie's muzzle scrunched up in thought. "No. Sorry," she said. "Let's be fair, there were a lot of words."
"It wasn't the kind of question a pony would want to remember. I asked if you were embarrassed about being trans," she said.
Trixie closed her eyes. "Ah, right. Trixie is..." she started, then paused. "How old are you, Maud? Assuming Trixie can ask that."
"I'm twenty-five," she said. "It might not be obvious, but it's fortunate I'm intelligent and have supportive sisters because I've had to come a long way in developing compensatory mechanisms for my autism."
"It is obvious," said Starlight. "Even not knowing about autism, you're very mature for your age, Maud."
"Well, Trixie is thirty-six, and an only foal. Even though that's barely a decade between us..." said Trixie, and her voice trailed off.
"I think I know where you're going with this. In terms of how fast society is changing, for transgender ponies it's a completely different generation," said Maud, shifting her seating position on the moss to a more comfortable but less dignified arrangement with her rear legs slightly spread out. "Your experiences were likely very different from mine, although the same could be said of any two transgender ponies. For one, it took a lot of doctor's visits to convince my parents I was transgender. Ponies tend to assume anything unusual an autistic foal does has to be an autism problem."
"I can't imagine dealing with that—but yes, that's my point. Things were different when I transitioned. I just want to feel like a mare, socially speaking. I don't even care about the surgery. The surgery isn't perfect anyway, and I kind of like being the way I am, although back when I transitioned, that was frowned upon. If you didn't want the whole package, they didn't consider you to be transsexual, which is what they called us back then. It was a label that meant you were willing to do whatever it took to live full-time in that gender, rather than just visit when you felt like it, such as a drag princess who does it only during performances. Transsexuals were immigrants, and crossdressers were tourists, if that makes sense."
"Correct. It was also a gatekeeping label used to keep transgender people who needed medical help from getting it," said Maud. "I know that isn't how it was intended, but it's how it was used."
"Oh, believe me, I know! Getting the implants... some doctors thought I was crazy, because, I mean, just look at what they're right next to, right?" she responded, and laughed darkly. "Like, I'm clearly not foaling anypony with them. They make me feel more comfortable, but pretty much everypony sees them as a fetish because it'll obviously never trick anypony into thinking I'm a real mare."
"Trixie. You are a real mare," said Starlight. "You do know that, don't you?"
Trixie closed her eyes for a moment, but ignored the question. "Apart from bringing the dead back to life, which is probably for the best, the only two things magic hasn't been able to fix are sex changes—or 'gender realignment', or whatever the term of the week is now—and manestyles," said Trixie, adjusting her hat slightly with telekinesis. "With my mane thinning, I worry about being able to pass more and more as the days go by."
"I don't think you have much to worry about there. Your voice is amazing, and the surgery to your muzzle is almost perfect. I also love the implants, for the record, regardless as to how they look in context," said Maud.
Trixie shook her head. "A foal once got under my cape and asked if I was part cow. You can probably guess why," she said.
Starlight paused for a moment in recollection, then laughed brightly. "Oh, I'm so sorry! Obviously I've seen it, but I never put the image together in my head that way..."
"It's fine," said Trixie. "Even I have to admit it's pretty funny."
"Udders are intrinsically funny, even if that's a little speciesist. You can trust me when it comes to comedy," said Maud. "But the bottom line is this: no amount of nip and tuck will make you comfortable with who you are. Even if you could be magically turned into a mare in every way, you would still know."
Trixie sighed and nodded in agreement. She pinched her lips together tightly as though holding back tears.
"Trixie, I just realized something," said Starlight, gently lifting her wife's chin with magic. "You stopped referring to yourself in the third pony the moment you started talking about transitioning."
Maud nodded solemnly. "I noticed that, too. Trixie, this may be hard to hear, but I'm not sure you understand that you're a mare."
"What? Of course Trixie is a mare!" said Trixie, her face incredulous. "Transgender mares are valid! You're a mare, Maud. I honestly believe that. I know gender and sex aren't the same thing! I have no trouble owning up to that."
"I'm not asking about myself. I'm not asking about Trixie, either," said Maud. "I'm asking about you."
"Maud, that isn't funny," said Starlight, frowning. "This is Trixie."
"I hope you're not planning on deadnaming me," mumbled Trixie. "Not that I don't deserve it at this point. Starlight didn't share that much, did she?"
"No," said Maud. "What I mean is this. I know that you're Trixie. Your wife knows that you're Trixie. But I don't think you know it. You keep talking about Trixie like she's some other pony entirely... like she isn't actually you."
"Trixie is... I mean, I am..." said Trixie, and she wiped fresh tears from her eyes with a fetlock. "Trixie is an aspiration, Maud. She's who I want to be, and who I try to be, every single day. She's the pony I want to see staring back at me from that stupidly large dresser mirror in that stupid enormous castle I live in now."
"Trixie is who you are," said Starlight, smiling softly as she gently put a foreleg around her wife. "She's you. She's who I see, and she's who all your friends see."
"You are a real mare," said Maud. "You are Trixie. If you don't think you're a mare, what chance do you think I have?"
"Yes, but... Trixie is the ideal me. Trixie is an ordinary mare. I mean... Trixie isn't supposed to be transgender!" shouted Trixie. For a brief moment, she choked on a ragged breath while the other mares waited for her to continue. "But me? I'm transgender. I'm not the mare I dream about being. I'm imperfect in a way that's been really important to me over my entire life. I don't like being reminded of what I am. I want to pretend I was never male, so I can just be female."
"Oh Trixie..." said Starlight, hugging her wife.
"It's true. Maud is more of a mare than I am," whispered Trixie. "At least she knows what she is, and accepts herself."
"You can't be 'more' or 'less' of a mare, Trixie," said Maud. "But please, go on."
Trixie sat up and leaned against Starlight's neck. "I don't know what more to say. I guess... being on stage is how I used to conquer that fear? When I have an audience, I get to attack gender head-on. It's almost like it's a physical battle with a giant monster that I have a real chance to win, no matter how great the odds are. I can push gender boundaries, be dominant and forceful and masculine, and still have the audience believe the illusion that I'm a mare because I can stand up straight and tall with an ego as large as Celestia and convince them all that I'm Great and Powerful," she said. "But offstage... I'm just... transgender. The illusion might still work for everypony else, but it doesn't work for me."
"It isn't an illusion, it's who you are," said Starlight. "Do you think you've 'tricked' me into thinking you're a mare beneath that cape? And I don't mean that in a vulgar way, obviously. I mean inside of you, under your flesh, deep in your metaphorical heart. You've felt like a filly as far back as you can remember, Trixie."
Trixie closed her wet eyes and simply shrugged.
"Well, as much as I'd like Trixie to have the epiphany that being transgender doesn't mean she isn't a 'real' mare, I don't think we're going to resolve all of her issues in a single conversation," said Maud. "My sister Pinkie would probably point out 'this isn't a fanfiction story where everything wraps up with a nice little bow'. Then she would giggle knowingly."
"Gee and pee tee, honey, would you be willing to go back into therapy where you could talk these things out in more depth?" asked Starlight. "I don't think you've talked with anypony about being transgender for years now, have you? I'll come with you if it helps."
"I don't know. I'll try anything, I guess," said Trixie, brushing a few tears from her cheeks as the mascara left a dark stain on her face and hoof. "I really do know these things. I know being transgender doesn't mean I'm 'fake'. Maud is a mare, and I'm... okay, yes, I'm a mare too. But knowing and feeling are two very different types of trick, and I'm only talented at the first kind."
"I was going to invite you to a group meeting, if you'd be willing to come," said Maud, arching her back in a stretch. "That might be more beneficial than talk therapy, though the two are not mutually exclusive. There's a transgender group here in Ponyville, too."
"R-really?" said Trixie, sitting up straight and wiping her cheeks again, this time with her entire foreleg. "You know, I've avoided transgender stuff ever since I transitioned. I didn't want to be trans, I wanted to be a mare, so once I came as close as I felt I could get to that goal... well, I think you understand."
"Once again, you are already a mare. I'll keep saying that as many times as I have to," said Starlight, kissing Trixie on the cheek. "Maud, do they allow supportive friends and wives to attend?"
"Of course," said Maud. "They're mostly younger ponies, though, so a lot of them don't have long-term partners."
"I won't have much in common with them, then," said Trixie, wrinkling her lips in distaste. "It's like you said, different generations, right? I don't understand all this 'thirty-seven different gender selections for the School of Friendship' nonsense when they don't even define what most of those 'genders' actually mean, I don't get what 'genderfluid' is, and since gender is social and based on social perception, I can't for the life of me figure out 'nonbinary'. I mean, aren't the people who meet you going to perceive you as 'male' or 'female'? How can you 'nonbinary' yourself?"
"These are all good questions. We can talk about some of them now, and you can bring the rest to the meeting," said Maud, and she stood back up and walked over to the where the kite landed. "The changes in society are new and confusing for all of us, but I think the main idea is that 'gender' is opening up to something beyond forcing ponies to act a certain way based on their genitals. We want ponies to have the ability to decide for themselves how they want to be treated. We're moving toward a society that stops punishing ponies and other people for how they choose to live, define, and express themselves in general, whether it's how they dress, if they have tattoos, whether they're tall or short or skinny or fat, if they're disabled, who they love, or what species they are. So this is a lot bigger than just male and female. It's a revolution of tolerance and understanding."
"Wow. That actually gave me chills," said Starlight. She stood up and helped Trixie to her hooves.
Trixie smiled and sniffled. "Yeah, okay. That actually sounds kind of neat. I'd like to come to the meeting," she said. "You know, maybe it could help me be a better counselor, if ponies knew about me. It's still too scary to imagine, though, and if ponies knew I was transgender, they'd assume I already know all about this stuff..."
"My special somepony is nonbinary, by the way," said Maud as she bent over to pick up the kite. "You can ask him about it at the meeting. He goes with male pronouns. It's easier since ponies usually assume he's male."
"Mud Briar is nonbinary? I think I can see that," said Starlight.
Trixie walked over to Maud. "Maud, I want to thank you for all of this," she said. "I just hope Trixie—sorry, I mean I hope I'm able to grow and change. I've improved myself before, and I want to keep doing it, but I'm afraid of failing you both."
"You will fail from time to time, but that's okay," said Maud, aiming the kite upwards again. "Do you know the golden rule for dealing with stage fright?"
"Imagine everypony with clothes on? I always found that weird," said Trixie.
"No, the other one. In almost all cases, the audience wants you to succeed. They're rooting for you," said Maud, and she pitched the kite hard.
"Oh, right. The typical audience only wants to be entertained. They don't want to heckle, they just want a show, so you can use that to your advantage," she replied. "The audience is there for you."
"And we're here for you," said Starlight, hugging her wife tightly. "Sorry. I don't mean to be so touchy-feely, but..."
"Ugh. Yes, I love you too," said Trixie, rolling her eyes again. Despite her verbal reaction, one of Trixie's legs pinned her wife's foreleg tightly in place around her shoulder.
"Success on the stage never lasts forever. You'll always bomb with your audience every now and then," said Maud, as the kite overhead bounced in a jerky motion, almost as though deciding whether to make it the entire way up. "But if the audience is still there for you, you can always try again."
The kite zipped sharply toward the roof, having hit the current. Trixie had to dodge the string as it snapped upwards, almost nicking her chin.
"Nice metaphor," said Maud, and she turned back to her friends and smiled.
