Not Who I Thought I’d Be

by Qibli2

Rating: teen
Tags: Lil' Cheese, Pinkie Pie, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Cheese Sandwich
Length: 1194

Lil’ Cheese looks in the mirror, and realizes he has questions about identity.

Born a stallion, Lil’ Cheese thinks about who he wants to be. He tries several things to make himself feel better, but it doesn’t work.

He soon realizes something he never knew.

(Mostly fluff, but tw: Gender Dysphoria)

Written for Pride and Positivity 2021.

Feel free to donate!

Point of Pride
Transgender Law Center
Palestine’s Children Relief Fund
Sewa International

Published 2021-07-01 05:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-07-01 05:00:01 UTC

Not Who I Thought I’d Be

I was born a stallion, as evidenced by my name. Lil’ Cheese, named after my father. Cheese Sandwich was my father, the Equestria-wide famous party planner. From what I’ve been told, Cheese Sandwich had first dibs, and he argued with Pinkie Pie in a long and tumultuous argument, he won, and got to name me.

From a young age, there was something off about me, I took one look in the mirror, and realized I wanted to look cuter. I grew to dislike the stallion look, so I grew out my hair to look more like Mom’s. Poofy, fun, and most of all, not exactly stallion-like.

Kids at school made fun of me for it, but I felt like I looked cuter.

Early in high school, a few ponies surprised me by asking if I was a stallion or a mare. I thought that that was a silly question to ask, I knew my eyelashes were incredibly visible, and my hair was a little unusual, but I was obviously a stallion, I was born one. Right?

When I asked them what they meant, they explained the concept to me. This concept of ‘being trans’, one I never knew about beforehoof.

Now, it’s summer, and I look in the mirror. My mane’s tied back in a ponytie, as with my tail. I don’t like the pony I am in the mirror. I’d never felt particularly stallionlike in the first place, felt that the stallion’s body was something I didn’t want. However, I never felt particularly marelike either, but I feel that I’m closer to that metric than being a stallion by any chance, so I figure it’s worth a try.

I take a deep breath, and walk outside of the bathroom, the one with the mirror I had grown to hate. I poke around a bit, Mom isn’t anywhere nearby, and Dad isn’t either. I sigh and go back to my room, where I can just think.

I think about everything, the idea that I might be female after all. I don’t know how it’ll work, if it’ll be good, or bad, or something else entirely. All I can do is hope that I just feel like it finally fits after so many years being unsure of myself.

Mom and Dad get home a while later. I hear them open the door, and I trot on down to meet them. I’m not smiling, in fact, I’m distressed. My mane feels a little less bouncy than usual. Dad is wearing lederhosen, meaning they probably got done with a party I was not allowed to go to.

“Aww! Lil’ Cheese, why do look so glum?” Mom says, her voice a little less intense than usual.

“Would you like to ride the hippo again? Ooh, or have a lot of cake?” Dad pitches in.

He makes me smile at least a little bit, having two party ponies as parents sure was interesting sometimes. Instead, I reply with something that I should’ve thought through more before saying, “Inciting offers, but, have you two ever felt uncomfortable with who you are before?”

Mom and Dad look at each other, I know exactly what they want to say. Dad eventually replies with, “Can’t say either of us have. Was there a reason you asked?”

“Well, I have, and I think I might be a girl...” I respond.

Mom looks confused for a second, Dad looks rather shocked. Their shocked silence tells me to go back to my room.

Before I can do anything, Mom leaps onto me and gives me a big hug. “We support you no matter what, Lil’ Cheese!” she exclaims, nearly crushing me. “Right?”

Of course, she says the last line while giving a death stare directly at Dad. Thankfully, he nods.

“Pinkie, it’s getting late, we should probably go to bed, as well as LIl’ Cheese,” Dad mentions.

I look out through the windows, it was getting rather late. I should probably go to bed.

We all head off to our bedrooms, but as I’m preparing to sleep, I hear Mom and Dad murmuring behind the walls.

“I’m a little nervous about... her,” I hear a muffled voice say. “I suppose it isn’t all that different from when Dashie and AJ got married last year...” that’s definitely Mom.

“I suppose so, but, how’ll we be able to stay consistent with hi—her and convince people h—she’s a girl.”

I know I should be happy, but all I feel is an incredible dullness of the words ‘she’ and ‘her’. Almost as if it’s no different from the usual stallion pronouns. Regardless, I still fall asleep.

The next day is rather uneventful, Mom and Dad work their usual jobs at Sugarcube Corner, there’s no parties scheduled for today.

But still, they feel the need to introduce me to every single pony who asks.

“That’s Lil’ Cheese, she’s our very bestest daughter!”

“That’s Lil’ Cheese! She’s incredibly fun to be around and she always helps so much when me and Pinkie are planning parties.”

“Yep! That’s our daughter, Lil’ Cheese, enjoy your cookies!”

Every single pony who asks, Mom and Dad answer with some variation on “She’s our daughter.” I know I should feel happy, but it’s not helping at all. By the time we’re back upstairs, I’m probably feeling worse.

“Mom, I know you and Dad mean well, but I don’t feel like that it’s helping at all, I just don’t feel like a girl,” I tell them, as we’re preparing for some family time.

Mom looks at me with her hoof to her chin, then she reaches back into her mane and pulls out a decently thick book. I had saw her do this so many times, that it didn’t really have much effect on me anymore.

Her mane pages the book and she reaches a section that she apparently wants to read.

“Of course! Nonbinary!” Mom shouts, putting the book back in her mane.

“What’s that?” I ask.

“Well, it’s when you feel neither male nor female! I should’ve known!” she replies.

“It was under ‘N’?” I ask, remembering a story Twilight used to tell about Mom’s weird reality-warping powers.

“No! The mane, your apathy towards labels, your confusion over being male or female! You’re our child, not son, not daughter. You’re our bestest child!”

“Yes, they are!” Cheese pitches in, with a smile on his face.

I somehow just know. It makes me feel welcomed, and incredibly excited! I run around the room, finally having found that last puzzle piece. I even think my mane feels bouncy again!

I leap into Mom’s outstretched arms, Dad joins in.

“I love you so much,” I say.

“I love you too, Lil’ Cheese,” Mom says.

Author's Note

The sluggish pace this story moves at directly mirrors my tiredness right now! I just wanted to write this little thing about Lil’ Cheese being nonbinary.

Did I get it right? I don’t know. I just tried to mirror my own experiences with gender dysphoria and wrote them in.

But seriously, it’s 1AM, I need to sleep. Constructive criticism is allowed and encouraged, bye!