The wrong Equestria

by knownforit

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Profanity, Adventure, Shining Armor, Violence, Princess Celestia
Length: 10949

A national park has caused over a hundred people to disappear in only three months. There's no proof they ever died, so naturally plenty of people decided they wanted to hike there for a plethora of reasons. I wonder where they ended up?

Gordan's seen the news. A vaguely triangular stretch of forest in a national park has caused a ridiculous number of people to disappear without a trace over the past three months. Theories abound, but the spirit of adventure wins him over into taking an armed visit.

What he didn't bet on was being accompanied by two strangers and ending up in a place one of them calls 'Equestria'

Too bad it's clearly the wrong one.

Published 2021-07-03 10:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-07-06 04:07:47 UTC

Only the grass is greener

"You really buy into that isekai shit, don't you?" Myles is clearly doing his best to keep his expression impartial, but it's obvious he was barely holding back uproarious laughter. I roll my eyes and wave him off, opting to look over the forest around us instead of his stupid scrunched up face.

The bright orange and blue enigma to my right who's called Elliot makes a strange jerking motion with his arms as he tries to get his thoughts into words.

"Come on man, all the religious types here think the same way don't they? Maybe my Japanese ancestors are prophets and the anime tropes are legit. It's a nice thoug-"

"Yeah, yeah you'd think so, you fucking weeb!" Myles accentuates his teasing by running ahead with his arms behind him like Naruto. His stupidly loose high school bookbag bounces around on his ass as he dodges the people ahead of us, disappearing into the crowd.

Elliot sighs and takes a few swigs from his bright red spotlight of a drink bottle. As much of a goofy cunt Myles is, I can't help but agree with him whenever he pokes holes at how annoyingly bright Elliot's equipment is. He'd always say, 'We get it bro, you've always been a hiker! No need to swing your bright orange hiker dick in everyone's non-hiker faces!' I crack a smile at his childishness.

Elliot spits out his words like angry bullets. "I always tell him you can't be a fuckin' weeb if you're literally Japanese, too bad the guy is a hate crime walking around on two legs. Never listens to the China man." I choke on the red bull half way down my throat and stumble over a rock mid-stride, crashing into the person in front of us.

"Hey watch it, asshole!" I stabilize myself and move back next to Elliot. I bite back a sarcastic response since well, everyone here is guaranteed to be the loosest loose cannon to ever be called a wild card. Turns out when a large stretch of forest in the vague shape of a triangle suddenly makes people disappear at super high rates, all the crazies come out of the woodworks to stroll around in it.

I mean, plenty of people think it's pure coincidence like the Bermuda triangle or some shit, but they never found the bodies of the literal hundred and counting people that went missing in as few as three months. Rangers wanted to cordon the whole area off from the public, but it's not like they can just ban people from walking around in an entire national park.

So here I am for the second day in a row, hiking around with two questionably sane individuals trying to make ourselves disappear. My bet's on Isekai shit, Myles is literally suicidal and Elliot no shit said he wants to hike in a different dimension. Out of all three of us Elliot weirds me out the most, guy has a brightly colored brand anywhere he can fit it. Stickers, patches and key rings, he's like a nascar driver.

My ruminations are interrupted by the familiarly nasally voice of Myles returning from his autistic adventure.

"Yo there's some bullshit going on up ahead, girl there said her friend literally just disappeared in front of her. Says she has video evidence, too bad there's too many assholes tryna see it at once, though." Elliot looks just as skeptical as I feel excited.

"Video evidence? Surely she'll post it online soon enough, then?" Myles groans and grabs Elliot by his comically oversized backpack and guides him up through the brightly colored mass of people in front of us. Today's group is smaller than usual, maybe sixty people all up. Having so many hikers move through the trails has really done a number on it too, litter and bottles strewn about the once pristine setting.

I follow my two companions until we push our way up to a tightly packed conglomeration of heads gathered around a single phone. I manage to position my eye between two dude's sweat stained hats to see what's going on with the footage.

The video is shaky, a college age girl dressed in cheap looking hiking gear is smiling, spinning around and generally goofing off in front of the camera. The view pans to the right, showing off another girl who's walking along somberly, eyes looking at the ground. The person holding the camera playfully pushes her shoulder, but just as she looks up with an annoyed expression she disappears.

One second she looks like she's about to yell at her friends shove, the next there's an empty space. I can't hear the audio too well, but I can definitely make out the tail end of Myles yelling at Elliot for being a weeb. This is real, the audio checks out. The dozen or so people who could actually see the footage gasp and move out of the way, mumbling their theories to each other as they shuffle off down the track.

I hear an exaggerated laugh to my left and a hand claps down on my shoulder. Myles's face is red, usually a bad omen that he's in one of his more eccentric moods. His free hand forms into a finger gat pointing at my face as his voice rattles off a mile a minute.

"Good fuckin' shit man! You gonna shoot up all the aliens once you disappear Mr. military man!? I'm sure the chaotic gods of Cthulu are gonna shit bricks at your scary assault rifle!" His hand slides off my shoulder and toward my rifle, I turn away so that he can't reach it.

"Don't want you blowing your brains out just yet, Myles." I raise an eyebrow to appear joking, but my tone shows I'm being serious. It's a little disconcerting knowing your new friend is already set on suicide, although I can't take the high ground since I'm hiking for the same result, just with a different theory.

Myles steps back and looks around with a devilish grin, probably looking to jump onto Elliot's back and see how long he can hold on before he's thrown off. Pretty hilarious that the asian is the only guy in our trio who actually breaks six foot, everything inside the land based sequel to the Bermuda triangle is fucking weird I swear.

"Hey, hey Elliot! You think Gordo here is gonna kill all the aliens!?" The heavy footfalls of Elliot manage to pierce the cacophony of excited conversation around us as he strides over. He's trying to look annoyed, but I can tell he finds Myles funny no matter how hard he doesn't want to. His face shifts to me as he looks me over as if I were some scientific specimen.

"Hmm, if we run into a resonance cascade I'm going to be the first one who goes to Gordan for help. Unlike you, he actually brought useful equipment with him." Myles shrugs as he pulls his ragged looking pack off his back, holding it before us as if it holds the key to eternal life.

"Excuuuuuuuse me yellow man, it's called ultra light hiking. I am not poor or unprepared. I am efficient, thank you very much." Myles looks pleased with his casual racism and excuse for only bringing three packets of doritos and a water bottle. The guy isn't really too wrong, he didn't plan on going anywhere if he did disappear, his logic is disturbing but checks out I suppose.

Elliot snorts and flips him off before turning to plod further down the track. Myles grins like a Cheshire cat and leaps onto the bright orange and blue backpack with his hands latched around Elliot's neck.

"Gotcha asshole!" Elliot spins around, slapping at Myles's head to get him off. I giggle like an idiot at the display and step forward, locking Elliot's legs in place with my arms so Myles can nooky the crap out of the elite hikers messy hair. As Elliot tries to step forward he realizes too late his legs are constricted and he pitches forward like a water tower being demolished.

A hundred and twenty kilo's of eastern muscle and gear slam into the rough dirt in a low cry of anger.

The hum of the crowd stops immediately, now replaced by rustling leaves and bird songs. I pull myself from the two wrestling morons and pat the dirt off my pants.

Oh fuck.

"Get off me you little demon!" I hear the sounds of Myles being flung around, but still managing to cling on like a rabies infested Chihuahua. I crouch down, eyes scanning our surroundings as I take my rifle off my back and chamber a round. I clear my throat loudly to get their attention.

"Yo guys-"

"Your soul is mine china man!" I tear my eyes away from our surroundings to see Myles's struggling form compacted up into a human cube in Elliot's arms. As usual, the big man has won the test of strength.

"Elliot." He takes his attention off of the twisting, groaning man in his grasp and looks to me, his eyebrows shooting up when he notices the rifle is no longer on my back.

I use my left arm to gesture around me. "We did it." His face is at first confused, he's still breathing heavily with sweat running down his face. But quickly his eyes widen as he realizes our surroundings have changed and the other people are gone. Myles ceases his struggling as he notices Elliot is no longer resisting.

Myles rolls out of Elliot's lap and stands up, looking around with a sudden horrified expression, his face going a little pale. Elliot stands up next to Myles and puts a hand on his shoulder.

"Hey man." Myles looks up to Elliot, his eyes watering at the realization that no, he isn't dead. I sigh and tear my focus from the gut wrenching display in front of me and back to the much greener, denser and cleaner forest surrounding us.

I hear Myles sobbing behind me, his voice is muffled as he mumbles to no one in particular. I cringe at the idea of him actually feeling any serious emotion, the guy makes us laugh so much I keep forgetting why he came here in the first place. Now he's just learnt he's going to keep on existing, even if he's been mystically teleported somewhere.

Mystically teleported somewhere, the thought fills me with excitement and my mind kicks back into action. I check that I do actually have a round chambered, I do. I close the dust cover and make sure I'm on safe. I keep my head on a swivel, making sure no alien bastards sneak up on me or my friends and suck out their brains.

That's another thing, I'm here with other people. I was sure I'd be alone, but I have Elliot and Myles. I'm not sure whether I should smile or frown, so my face does a weird little spasm in its confusion. If this place is hostile we're going to have to look after Myles. The guy doesn't even have his pack anymore since he took it off before we were teleported.

Elliot has a suppressed .22 pistol for hunting, but that's not going to work for self defense unless the aliens are the size of cats. I have my AR and my p226, but I can't just give my handgun to Myles, what if he shoots himself. My grip on the rifle tightens as I swear under my breath. This is going to be fucking difficult without our third guy being capable of shooting or storing shit.

I look back at the two men, Elliot looks embarrassed as hell with Myles's face buried in his chest. We make eye contact and he makes an expression saying 'I don't know what to do'

"Hey Elliot, what kind of experience do you have using handguns?" His face goes from embarrassed to proud in an instant.

"First place in two states using .22" I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm not a shit shot, but hearing Elliot is that skilled brings me comfort. Guy is like that one kid from school who can't fail at anything he does and pulls motivation from absolutely everything. I'm jealous.

Myles on the other hand... He takes a few shaky steps back, eyes locked on the grass at his feet. His face is red, but he's no longer crying. He looks over to me, eyes lingering on the handgun on my hip.

My face contorts into a snarl, I feel disgusted. Am I actually considering letting him shoot himself? We all knew what he wanted, he didn't get it. I look over to Elliot, he looks just as uncomfortable as I am. I look back to Myles. He stares into my eyes, trying to find an answer to what he should do inside my mind.

I rub the bridge of my nose and sigh.

Myles's voice is hoarse and scratchy. "Don't worry guys, let's just go. I'm not holding us up." I go to question if he's sure but stop my idiocy. I stand up and spin around, trying to see if there's any specific direction we should head.

"Magnetic north has shifted entirely." I look over to Elliot who has a compass in the palm of his left hand and a now evidently useless map in his right. He comes to the same conclusion I did and scrunches the map into a ball and sticks it into a zipper pocket attached to the hip belt of his backpack. Still useful as tinder.

I open my mouth to query the superior navigator where we should go, but he begins marching off before I can ask. Myles and I exchange a glance before we move into a single file formation behind our de-facto leader. I opt to be in the back to make sure no monster can grab Myles out from behind us without our notice.

I keep my rifle at low ready as we trudge through what can be best described as a rainforest. The canopy isn't that high up, but there's vines, thick bushes and everything is blindingly green. Elliot has his handgun drawn, using it to pick through branches and vines in front of our path. I don't know what we might stumble upon, but I imagine we're looking for a river.

Every time my vision comes back to my two allies I can't help but cringe. Myles is wearing a grey hoodie and black pants, but Elliot is a beacon of orange a helicopter could pick out through the god damn leaves above us. I just hope the aliens here are either friendly or blind.

Hell, maybe we're still on Earth. I got myself all caught up in the hype online of this being some kind of dimensional hop, it's totally plausible we just turned up in some obscure jungle in Africa. I stifle a chuckle at the thought of fending off ancient spear wielding tribes who never made contact with modern humanity.

Now that I'm actually here, I'm glad I didn't cave in to the weird looks and annoyed grunts I got for my seven magazines, rifle, sidearm and camouflage clothing while on the trail. I felt like an idiot walking around like some soldier while everyone else was wearing bright colors. Hell, now I wish I brought even more stuff. Oh well, we're not going back now are we.

The idea that I'm never going to return to Earth doesn't bother me, I came out here because I wanted to leave Earth in the first place. I'm nervous to find out what's waiting for me here, but whatever it is I'll be the first human to see it, unlike my old planet where everything was already discovered.

"Hold up." Elliot's voice is quiet, but it still cuts through the soft rustle of wind on branches around us. I stop moving and kneel down, looking down the optic into the bushes behind us. I can faintly hear running water, we must have found that river. I hear the harsh rustle of someone moving through a bush. Half a minute of anxious waiting later Elliot returns.

"Alright, we're good." I follow Myles through the bush and emerge into a long clearing, left to right a clear river flows through the forest. It's just wide enough that I couldn't jump across, although Elliot probably could.

I trudge up to the river's edge, Elliot is using his expensive as fuck filters to pump a few bags full of clean water from the stream. I opt to cover him, eyes scanning across the tree line. If I did have to shoot something, everything for a dozen kilometers is gonna know and we'd have to book it out of here. Myles doesn't look as depressed as he did before, but he definitely isn't in his usual joking mood as he simply watches Elliot work.

Taking a quick moment to look up, the sky looks normal. When we teleported the time was about 2pm, now it looks more like midday with the sun directly overhead. Weird thing is, usually my eyes sting like hell if I even have the sun in my vision, now I can look pretty close to it and it barely hurts at all. Is it just the shock of the situation or is this sun weaker?

A firm hand comes down on my shoulder, I look back to see Elliot's finished.

Is this guy gonna watch over me with nothing but his dinky little pistol? "You want my rifle while I filter?" Elliot looks apprehensive.

"Later, I don't know how it works." Fair enough, .22 man.

I drop down to one knee and get out the stuff I need to refill my clean water supplies. Reaching into the water to fill up a small bottle, I hear a hitching gasp behind me. I freeze and turn my head behind me.

Myles's voice is awestruck. "Holy shit." I follow his dumb look of shock to the sky.

Horses. Flying. Horses.

Five of them, circling us maybe two hundred meters up. I look to Elliot, he has his handgun trained vaguely in their direction with a very concerned look on his face.

"Hey, are they hostile?" Elliot keeps his eyes on the flying horses and shrugs. What the fuck is going on? I race to get my pack back on and locked into place. As soon as I'm done the sound of a very large bird soaring through the air grows in volume. I look up to see the winged horses spiraling down to meet us.

Myles has apparently been knocked out of his reverie by their approach. "They're my little ponies!" What the fuck did he just call them? He smiles and takes a few steps back to give the ponies more landing room. Elliot puts his handgun into its holster and I keep my left hand off the rifle as it lays across my chest. Four of the ponies land in front of us in a neat line, one of them is nowhere to be seen.

I furrow my brows at that development, clearly it went off to notify its master that we're here. They're wearing grey armor and their coats are all different colors. In this dimension apparently ponies can be any goddamn color of the rainbow.

"Hello there travelers!" My jaw drops. One of the ponies talked. It speaks English. Myles jumps up and down with his hands in the air as if he were a child on Christmas morning.

"Oh my god! I'm in Equestria!" Myles ceases his leaping and falls to the ground, his face coming down to the grass and kissing it as if it were blessed earth. He's actually crying now, openly sobbing with no shame.

"Oh thank you god! Thank you so much!" Me and Elliot exchange worried glances.

One of the ponies giggles at the young man's idiotic display, it sounds more feminine then the previous one to make noise. Under the armor though, it's hard to make out gender.

Another pony speaks, his voice incredibly energetic and warm. "We welcome you friendly creatures to Equestria! Follow us down the river to Ponyville!" This guy sounds like he's welcoming customers to a theme park or circus or something. It's too dramatic and impersonal, maybe this is a common occurrence? This could be where everyone goes when they disappear.

As the ponies turn to walk downstream I grab my rifle's handguard with my left hand, one of the ponie's eyes flick down to it with a worried look. As soon as he looks at it he quickly turns away and follows his buddies. Myles is already up and happily following the quartet of sentient farm animals, Elliot and I aren't so sure.

I study his face, trying to understand what he's thinking. Easier just to ask him I suppose."You think this is a good i-"

"Nope."

"Oh."

Elliot looks at his feet before turning to follow Myles and his four pony buddies. I guess he has a point, not like we have a better idea on what to do next. I move up next to Elliot, Myles is happily conversing with one of the guards about Equestria. I have no fucking idea what is going on or why Myles seems to know more than we do.

My mind goes back to when one of the ponies looked at my rifle. I didn't see the face of a confused medieval guard looking upon future weaponry, I saw recognition. That's not a bad thing necessarily, the bad part is that he looked away as soon as he recognized the rifle. He didn't want me to know he knew what I had. My chest tightens as the anxiety of this weird situation grows.

"Is Twilight in Ponyville right now? Can I meet her!?" Myles's voice is nigh on painful in its high pitched reverence.

"Oh yes of course she is! I'm sure she'll be very interested in new specimens coming out of the Everfree." Twilight? Specimens? Everfree?

"Awesome! What about the other elements? Oh can we meet Celestia?" One of the ponies jerks mid step at the end of Myles's question. It's the same dude who acted weird with my gun. I find myself shaking my head without realizing.

Something pokes my side, I look to my right to see Elliot staring at me with an intense expression. He shakes his head before looking ahead again. I control myself as I copy his act that everything is fine.

He felt it too, these ponies are not what they seem. They called us travelers and acted as though humans are normal to see around here, then they say we're 'new specimens' as if they've never seen us. One of them must be new, he's fucked up twice now, once with my gun and once with a physical reaction to the name 'Celestia' Is that their leader or something?

I'm putting the pieces together in my mind already. I don't like what I'm seeing.

"Elliot, Gordan!" I snap out of the haze and almost bump into Myles who has apparently stopped walking. I take a step back so I'm not almost hugging him. His eyes are wide, he's still crying a little. He looks downright manic and it's making me feel very uncomfortable. I slowly take a few more steps back to escape his radiating madness.

"You guys, we get to go to a welcome to Ponyville Pinkie Pie party! We ended up in literal heaven!" I try to cock a single eyebrow in confusion, but my anxiety forces both my brows up. Neither me nor Elliot respond, we're too busy looking past him.

The four winged and armored ponies are looking back at us. They're holding expressions of genuine happiness at meeting us, except one. The rookie isn't doing it correctly, he's blatantly scared. Scared of us? Or is he scared of what's going to happen to us?

The rookie's sweating bullets as he looks between Elliot and I with a forced, shaking smile.

"What?" Myles is knocked out of his happy gibbering by our lack of response. My hands are shaking with how tightly I'm squeezing my AR. I'm confident I could take on these four ponies, they don't even have weapons. But I still don't know if they're actually hostile, I'm just getting incredibly disconcerting vibes.

"What's the holdup, gentlecolts?" The leader is good at his job, the rookie however...

The rookie looks up.

I look up.

My heart leaps into my throat, it feels like a hot wave of pure adrenaline has been dumped into every muscle. My ears ring and I can feel my pulse rising exponentially.

A dozen ponies are circling us, they're all holding a glass bottle of glowing blue liquid. All at once, they drop the glasses.

"Grenade!" My voice tears my throat as I turn and sprint as fast as I can into the forest, I zip past Elliot who's still stuck looking at the incoming objects.

I hear the leader pony yelling, I leap through the brush in the tree line and cut up my arms and face on sharp branches. I fall to the ground but immediately pick myself up and keep running further into the forest. I hear more yelling followed by the sound of glass smashing along with a loud hissing noise. I stop running, spin down to one knee, flick to single shot and focus the red dot on the bush I leapt through.

The rifle is shaking and jittering as I take in heaving breaths. I hear screaming, I don't know if it's the ponies or one of my friends. I hear leaves rustling to my left so I spin around, laying my optic where the threat lies.

A bright orange and blue creature runs past a tree and keeps going deeper into the undergrowth. Elliot's safe, but what about Myles?

I consider for a second simply following Elliot to safety, but I'd be haunted by the guilt forever I'm sure of it. I stand up and look to the dense tree line, the shouts have stopped. Suddenly an unarmored bright blue pony leaps through the leaves and lands in an undignified heap with legs poking in every direction.

Another wave of adrenaline is dumped into my body and I line up the optic on the ponie's head, finger moving to the trigger.

From the direction of the river I hear him. "Gordan!" Relief flows through me, my trigger finger relaxing as I hold off from executing the intruder.

"Myles get the fuck over here right now!" I'm exposing my position to the ponies, but Myles is okay so he can still get to me. I focus my eyes on the fumbling pony half a dozen meters away from me, no reason to kill it right now.

The cute little blue pony looks up to me with massive watery eyes, a few bleeding cuts across it's body from where it got cut up by the branches. It opens its mouth and speaks.

"Gordan, I'm okay." My finger moves back to the trigger. The pony Myles shakes violently under my critical gaze.

Elliot's panicked voice echoes from far behind me, he's calling for Myles and I. A glowing red circle with a small red dot in the center lies over the childish face of what used to be my friend.

"I-it's me, Gordan. Please don't shoot." I take a deep breath, my decision coming to me from the depths of my mind in that very moment.

I stride forward, bringing Myles over my left shoulder. I spin around and sprint as hard as I can toward Elliot's voice. I hear someone else yelling behind me, multiple footfalls as they pursue me through the spiky and dense brush.

Myles's pony voice sounds like an eight year old as he sobs and hiccups. "G-Gordan please don't r-run Gordan!" I keep my eyes opened wide, I see bright orange shining through some heavy vines ahead of me.

"Elliot they're behind me!" After I'm finished getting whipped by the vines I throw Myles to the ground. A rapid series of sharp cracks make my ears sting in pain as I turn around to face my pursuers.

I bring my rifle up, positioning the red circle over the body of a charging, armored pony. Before I can pull the trigger it falls down to a .22 shot from Elliot, it's body spasming and kicking at nothing. There's only three of them lying underneath the vines in front of us. Which one is missing?

I look to Elliot, he's hovering over Myles with his handgun coming to bear.

"No!" Elliot looks at me, confused.

"E-Elliot why would you k-kill somepony!? W-why!?" The little blue pony is now covering its face with its front hooves and crying it's eyes out at the prospect of us defending ourselves.

Elliot doubles over and throws up right next to Myles which only intensifies his violent sobbing.

Scooping up Myles is more difficult this time as he's actively trying to escape my grasp, constantly yelling incoherent refusals all the while. I take a few steeling breaths, shutting down my emotions and most of my thoughts. I nudge Elliot's shoulder with the bottom of my rifle's magazine to bring him out of his dazed state.

I don't hear any pony trying to chase us down in the brush, but I can hear heavy wings beating through the air above us. We're still in deep fucking shit.

My right hand is free to use my rifle, so I point it straight up at the source of the wing beating above the canopy and let off half a dozen rounds. Once I'm done shooting, nothing falls through the leaves. My ears ringing is all I can hear. God I'm an idiot, I'm not going to be able to hear correctly for hours now.

I feel Elliot tapping my right arm, I look to him and see he's already off in a light jog. I move my legs and follow him further into the forest, hopefully further away from these demonic fucking ponies. After only a minute I'm forced to turn my rifle onto safe and use both hands to hold Myles as he tries his very best to squirm out of my grip. My ears are still ringing, but I can vaguely hear the world around me now.

Myles knew where we were, apparently this place is called Equestria. Maybe he can tell us what the fuck is going on right now. Once we find somewhere safe of course.

Information, Relocation, Instigation

The grating tinnitus is interspersed by the thwack of giant leaves being pushed aside and the clinking of pebbles launched by my shoes. A noise even more annoying than the never-ending EEEEEE is the sobbing and mumbling of Myles. He's stopped trying to escape at this point, thankfully he doesn't weigh very much since this new body of his is evidently a child.

I just hope his brain wasn't changed too much, but based off the little he's said so far... I'm not hopeful.

I hear Elliot say something, but it's distorted to become incomprehensible thanks to my hearing loss.

"Speak up, I can't hear shit." I continue my slow surveillance of every direction.

Elliot's tone is steady, calm. "I said, they weren't leading us 'down' the river, we were heading upstream, north-east. It might have been a Freudian slip and Ponyville is actually downstream, we were probably being led to either nowhere or a military base."

I take a moment to digest the information, I didn't realize the guard leader made that mistake in his language.

"But why is that important? Are we avoiding going upstream in case there's a military base?" Myles begins trying to twist out of my arms. His voice is a little too loud on the ears, but we're in the middle of a forest so I'm not too worried about volume.

"No! Ponies don't have a m-military! Ponies are p-peaceful, we don't do war!" Rage bubbles up inside me, hope for Myles's return rapidly retreating at this development. Before he can keep blabbering on I slap him over the back of the head.

"Shut up you fucking breathing propaganda machine!" This pony is surprisingly strong, he's hugging my left shoulder for comfort, but managing to hurt me a little with the force of it. I try to focus back on Elliot as he begins speaking, apparently opting to ignore Myles and I's little spat.

"If Ponyville is downstream, it would be south-west of here. If north-east and south-west have ponies, we're heading south east. Oh, and Gordan..." Elliot stops trekking and turns to face me with a stern expression.

"If I get captured, don't come for me. You see what they did to Myles," Elliot gestures to what used to be Myles, curled up against my shoulder. "You won't make it in time." I grit my teeth, trying to find a way to refute what he just said. I have the equipment to conduct some kind of raid, but would it be worth saving Elliot when he's no longer Elliot?

I kick a small rock in frustration. "Fine." This apparently pleases the hiker as he turns on the spot and keeps moving through the prickly forest, possibly called the 'Everfree' according to one of the ponies.

After an hour of tedious and anxious travel, the sound of glass smashing thankfully doesn't fill my ears. We're holed up in a small cave, it's only a dozen meters deep and barely tall enough to stand up in. But for taking stock of our situation, it's good enough.

Myles's legs were tied up against his chest by yours truly since he kept trying to run off to get help from 'Mummah Celestia' Pretty obvious who the big bad villain in this world is. I'm going to find this Celestia whore and cave her face in with a hundred rounds of .223 if it's the last thing I do. It probably will be.

Elliot gave me a bit of paper with a very basic map of where we are. All it has is information on distance in the form of a grid system and an estimated location for Ponyville and the possible military base. Thankfully this guy has a system for counting out how far he's walked, so we know we're exactly Three thousand, four hundred and twelve meters away from the river.

I'd like to be further away, but this forest is incredibly dense and hard to move through. None of us actually had lunch before we came here, so I set up my jetboil to cook a mediocre tasting freeze dried meal of alfredo for all three of us.

I don't know what season it is here in 'Equestria' but it definitely feels warmer than the autumn we came out of, although the cave we're in drops the temperature by a few degrees.

Myles's high pitched voice manages to be just loud enough to overpower the dull ringing in my ears. "M-myyy earrrssss hurrrrttttttt..." I frown. Holy shit he's just a whining child now. I look to Elliot to see if he wants to reply to this kid, but he's very much happy with ignoring him in favor of staring at the frothing water in the middle of our little triangle formation.

You know what, I think it's time we got some answers.

I try my best to keep my voice soft, don't want to scare him into another round of incomprehensible sniffling again. "Hey Myles, what can you tell me about Equestria?" The mention of 'Equestria' makes Myles cease his groaning, instantly he perks up with something mimicking a happy expression.

His voice is full of wonder, as if recounting some amazing dream. "Oh Equestria is the best! It's the main land of friendship and harmony for the whole wide world! E-Equestria is ruled by the greatest pony ever, Celestia! She looks after all the ponies of the world and makes sure they're happy and safe!" I have no idea how much of this information was implanted and how much of it human Myles knew before coming here.

I study the blue ponies happy face, an obvious question coming to mind. "Is there anywhere in the world where Celestia doesn't rule? Someplace she won't drop blue potions on me that turn me into a baby pony?" I bite my tongue, cutting off my urge to rant and rave at Myles about how he's practically been murdered by the ponies he so happily speaks of.

Myles makes an exaggerated thinking face as he lies on his side on the cold stone floor. "C-Celestia rules the whole wide world with friendship! A-anypony who isn't a pony is missing out on the power of harmony so they're a-all p-ponies now..." His voice trails off at the end, either aware that what he just said is terrifying or he's just worried I'll slap him again.

My body tightens up, the rifle that's vaguely pointing in the direction of the cave entrance being held a little higher in my lap. Everyone on the entire fucking planet was turned into ponies? What the fuck? Well that totally destroys my idea of fleeing to a different country.

My eyebrows lower, I feel all the stress I've felt this past hour building up a painful energy within me.

"Did you know this is what Equestria was like, Myles? Before you got turned into a fucking pony, was this the place you called heaven?" My growling tone and glare makes Myles squeak and try his best to shuffle away from me. All he manages to do is wobble side to side, trying and failing to roll his body the other way.

I stand up, stomping over to him. I kneel with one leg on either side of his tiny form, gripping his neck with both trembling hands I turn him around so he's forced to look at me with his humongous eyes. I lean down, my face almost touching his muzzle.

"Did. You. Know." With each word he tries to shrink further away from me, but he fails in fading through the cave floor.

The ponie's voice is tiny, his eyes scrunched shut as hard as possible. "N-no. P-please don't hur-" He can't finish his sentence before breaking down into sobs. A sliver of guilt worms its way into me, this kid sounds eerily similar to a cousin of mine I used to babysit. If I closed my eyes, maybe I could imagine I'm cleaning up a dropped ice cream as he cries about the loss of his midday dessert.

Elliot's ever calm voice pulls me out of the haze of emotions I found myself in. "Gordan." With a growl I push myself off the kid and sit back down on my slightly more comfortable area of rock.

As Elliot speaks he pulls out three bowls and two spoons from his bag. "Gordan, I get it you're stressed out. Taking it out on Myles isn't gonna get us into safety any sooner, not to mention you're working against yourself in the information game."

I wanted to find a reason he's wrong, but there was none. I just didn't want to feel like an overly emotional little girl.

I hang my head in my hands, staring through my fingers and all the way out of this horrible situation. "I've only known the guy for two days, but I guess he was a better friend then I realized."

Elliot takes a deep breath of the cheesy steam coming out of the jetboil in the middle of us. He kneels down, taking a spoon and filling up each bowl equally. "Don't mourn him yet. If the people here are capable of turning a human into a pony instantaneously, surely they can turn them back."

His words cause my racing heart and mind to slowly throttle down. We can get Myles back...

Our next movements form on my lips. "Myles said this Celestia figure turned everyone into ponies in this world, apparently so they could be one with harmony or some shit. Surely that means she'll have a lot of enemies, right? All we have to do is find a group of people who oppose Celestia and we should be golden to get Myles back." Instead of an answer in words, I get an answer in the form of a bowl full of hot alfredo placed on the stone in front of me.

As I pick up the excessively priced titanium spoon and bring the pasta to my mouth, I can hear Elliot's response in my head. 'That's a big plan you've thought up, better eat up before we go out and save our friend then'

For the first time in this new reality, a smile graces my face. Somehow I've found what I came here for. Adventure, adventure for a noble purpose even. I look up to see Myles slowly licking up the meal, looking between me and Elliot the entire time as if fearing we'll pounce on him for daring to eat.

We'll get you back buddy. I swear to god you're going to reaffirm your title of walking hate crime.

I must admit ever since the demonic humans from tartarus tore a rift into our dimension within the Everfree, life has been much more interesting. The conquering of Equus and the victory of friendship happened many centuries ago, it was painful learning of the militaristic history of Equestria without being able to actually take part in it. But finally a new enemy has come knocking on the princess's door and here I am to defend her.

My heroic musings are cut off by several approaching hoofsteps. I quickly knock over my tower of cards I was building upon my desk and stuff them into a drawer. As the curtain of the tent is drawn aside, my heart sinks.

Private granite looks as if the elements of harmony have all died, the pegasi who regularly patrol the Everfree don't look much better either. A cold, calculated rage seeps through my veins as I try to figure out what good pony I might have lost today.

"Captain Armor, sir." The patrol leader pegasus steps forward, an obvious plea to explain some imperative information on his face. I sigh.

"Go ahead." The pegasus gulps.

"We had more encounters with cannon wielding humans." I grit my teeth. "One of them had the up until this point ubiquitous hoof sized cannons, but I believe the human was being escorted by either a human guardsman or soldier. Its cannon was much larger." I try my best to beat back my excited grin, I only barely succeed. If this is true, I'll have full rights to begin a counterattack and get revenge for my fallen stallions.

I take a slow breath to calm myself and smother the heroic visions of myself being blessed by Celestia herself for my victory in the name of harmony.

"I cannot give the green light to my guard unless we know for certain this is an organized attack instead of mere prodding, as we've experienced for the past three months." The idea seeps into my mind to simply lie and claim it is a soldier without certainty, but the concept of such betrayal entering my conscious makes me sick.

The rookie clears his throat and speaks in a meek voice. "I-I'm not sure if it was, Captain Armor. H-he was dressed in colors and p-patterns that made him hard to see in the Everfree, it reminded me of a parade uniform. B-but..." His eyes flick between the pegasus and myself. Why is he so nervous?

"I don't think it was a soldier, it didn't f-fire upon us until we cured one of its two friends of its lack of harmony, sir. It seemed to be just as uneducated of Equus as every other invader, sir." The pegasi behind the rookie all flinch and try their hardest not to glare at the earth pony, but it's obvious what they wanted from him.

I can already see where this is going, best to put some reigns on these colts before they do something stupid. "Who did we lose, gentlecolts?" The rookie shrinks down, a distant expression overcoming his face.

"Warding Shackle, Resilient Flame and Warm Welcome." I close my eyes. I knew Warm Welcome myself, we graduated boot camp together over a decade ago. He should never have been in the field, he was always best fit for a commanding role, yet he just couldn't stop himself from breaking the rules and getting himself demoted could he? No matter how many extra chances and special treatment I gave him he just ended up getting himself gunned down by these bucking demons.

"Make sure Shackle and Flame's loved ones are notified, I will speak with Welcome's family myself." I steel myself, making sure I don't shed a tear and expose weakness in front of my stallions. "See to it that the rookie gets his rest, I want your pegasi to find this possible soldier and bring it to me for questioning." The pegasi's sour moods are lifted at my new task, evidently they misunderstood.

"It shall not come to harm, do you understand?" The lead pegasus looks back to me with a disappointed expression, it takes him a moment, but he nods.

I understand your anger, but if we can manage to bring in a solider for questioning we're going to get a giant boost in awareness of this new enemy. A prickle of dread claws into my barrel. Maybe I shouldn't notify Celestia if I do capture it? She always claimed the results of the interrogations gleaned no relevant information, but what if she's hiding something?

I thrash my head from side to side. No! Celestia is perfect, she would never lie, that is completely ridiculous. I need some coffee, clearly my mind is not functioning correctly.

I pull open the curtain with my magic and the sun stabs into my eyes as if attacking me. How long was I sitting in the command tent? I huff and plod my way in the direction of the cafeteria tent. I do my best to nod at every stallion who greets and salutes me as I pass, very quickly my neck starts to cramp from the effort.

This camp only houses a few hundred guards, but we're all so packed in it feels like I'm back in a Canterlot market. Thankfully my ears are given reprieve as I step onto the less trodden down grass within the cafeteria. Standing in line to get some awfully mundane food is a lavender pony with a shamefully familiar slouch.

I'm not sure whether I should smile that my sister is working her hardest for Equestria, or frown that she clearly isn't sleeping enough. I was very apprehensive of choosing her to be the field analyst because I knew technology from tartarus would keep her up 24/7. Too bad she succeeded in guilt tripping me into the position.

I get in line behind her and make my presence known. "Hey BBBFF, how are things coming along with your research?" Twilight lazily turns to me with a lopsided grin, her eyes are bloodshot and her mane is the frizziest I have ever seen it. This means she's managed to discover something massive.

Her voice is dry and strained. "O-oh hi shiny. I finally managed to find an alternative to the human's propellant compound. It's not nearly as capable I'm afraid, but with the substitute of unicorn magic over consistent pressure you should be able to equip your unicorn guards with rapid firing cannons within the mo-" Her update is cut short by her legs giving out and her eyes closing.

She falls to the grass beneath her and immediately begins snoring.

"Hold." Elliot puts out a hand behind himself to stop me from continuing. His once brightly colored clothing and backpack have since been smeared with mud as to prevent flying ponies from easily spotting us. Another river can be heard ahead. I push down my anxiety, thinking back to what happened last time we walked out next to a stream like this.

After eating a warm meal Myles has been in a deep sleep, I'm sure as hell not complaining. All of a sudden I realize I'm stroking his mane. I scrunch up my face and put my right hand back on the strap keeping my rifle on my shoulder. You know, if these ponies weren't genocidal I'd love to have one as a pet, they're soft as fuck.

I chuckle under my breath considering a jacket made of sentient pony fur, I'd totally wear that. Like a war trophy or something. A horrified shrieking echoes throughout the forest, I quickly lower Myles to the forest floor and shoulder my rifle. That sure as hell wasn't Elliot.

"No, please! Have mercy! Have mercy I plead of you!" The voice sounds hysterical, it's a strange sort of upper-class accent I can't put my finger on. Whoever this guy is, he's really loud and he's scared for his life. My shoulders sag a little. He's scared? Good, that means Elliot is the one doing the intimidating.

I swing the rifle back onto my shoulder and scoop up Myles back into my chest. Dodging around a few spindly trees and pushing my way through a light bush I come upon the strangest sight I have ever seen in my entire life.

It's a dragon, or is it a serpent? It's absolutely massive, I can't even see the end of it under the green river it lies in. Above its purple, scaly lips is I shit you not, a multi colored mustache. The left half is purple and the right half is golden. Its hairdo is slicked back and shoulder height, if it had shoulders that is. Its flailing its four fingered hands about and crying as if the world is coming to an end.

Elliot is standing a safe distance away as to avoid the intense waves its generating in its sporadic movements and earth trembling sobbing. I can barely hear Elliot's screaming voice over the cacophony of spraying water and hysterical crying.

"I'm not going to hurt you! I'm giving you mercy, calm down!" He's waving his arms about to get its attention, which manages to work as the serpent all of a sudden stops its tantrum and freezes solid.

"Y-you aren't a pony?" I raise an eyebrow at that. Did the ponies do something to this guy?

"No, I'm not a pony. I don't know what the ponies did to hurt you, but I promise we're not on their side. By the way, do you by chance know of any rebel movements we can locate and join up with?" The serpent gasps and whips its head around the sky as if searching for a threat. It brings its head down to Elliot's level and whispers.

"Do not speak of moving against her, you will be smitten. Smitten like every single creature in this dead forest." His previously exaggerated crying is replaced by silent streams of tears as the serpent's head comes to rest on the grass at Elliot's feet.

I raise my eyebrows in realization. The only creatures I've noticed have been birds. No rabbits or squirrels or mice. Are the serpent's words true? Why would Celestia want to kill off so many animals?

Elliot made my question known. "But why? Why would she want to kill animals in this forest?" The serpent lets out a pitiful whine.

"For the sake of friendship and harmony she claims." The giant lizard throws out his arms in a show of exasperation. "Where in so much meaningless death can you find friendship! All of my friends, they're all d-d-d-dead!" The serpent accentuates his frustration with a powerful punch into the earth. The power behind his lanky fist is so forceful I'm almost bowled off my feet from the vibration.

"All the manticore are gone!" BAM. "All the timber wolves are gone!" BAM. "No more ursa!" BAM. Elliot turns and motions to the other side of the river with hurried pointing. We need to get the fuck out of here ASAP.

"The ancient Hydras were all slain!" BAM. I stumble and drop the somehow still sleeping Myles to the soaked grass, waking him up with a choked cry of alarm. I focus on just getting Myles and I across this river, every shake of the earth causing me to stumble and slide. Ahead of me Elliot is already pulling himself out of the murky water and jogging to the tree line ahead. He's going to need a new coat of mud now that it's all been washed off.

I leap into the green depths, my body screaming at me in shock in an attempt to ward me back to land. Holy fucking shit, this water is freezing! I can hear Myles trying to speak, but every time he begins to get a word out his mouth dips below the waves and all I hear is bubbling.

"Wiped out all the cute little parasprites!" Suddenly I feel like I'm upside down, I lose my grip of Myles and completely lose track of which way I should be swimming. Another explosion of force reverberates through the water, it sounds as if a meteor has crashed into the earth. I break the surface and take in a deep breath, I spot something flailing around ahead of me, trying not to sink.

It takes all my energy with the loaded down backpack, rifle and clothing. But I force myself to grab the little pony by a leg and haul him up onto the other side of the river. He sputters and coughs, trying to rid his lungs of water. I grab onto tufts of grass and try to pull myself up, but the muscles in my arms simply don't have the energy.

"Cute little cockatrice, all gone!" The subsequent earthquake jostles my grip and I find myself sinking into the river. I try to unclasp my pack but my fingers are rapidly growing numb from the freezing temperature of the water. My lungs begin to hurt as I hopelessly kick my legs out beneath me to try and propel myself up to get air. I reach both my hands up, hoping something will save me.

My prayer is answered as an orange blob shimmers into being above the water, two arms reach in and grasp my wrists. I ascend from my watery tomb, subsequently being thrown through the air and into the dirt. I cough, expelling a frightening amount of water from my lungs.

"We need to go, get up." Apparently I didn't react quick enough as Elliot grabs me by the handle on my pack and drags me singlehandedly into the tree line, my shoes creating twin grooves in the earth as I'm pulled along. My eyes dart around, looking for the blue furry form of Myles among the glistening blades of grass. I try and replace my coughing and spluttering with words, but all I manage is a few sounds that resemble a questioning bark.

"I have Myles, he's fine." I let out a cough of thanks and slap his hand off my pack. I roll onto my stomach, slowly pushing myself up onto my now wobbly legs. I can still hear the serpent going on about the extinct species he used to live with, even though the guy almost indirectly killed me I feel pity for him. The more I learn of this Celestia bitch the more I feel the need to call in a JDAM strike on her.

I groan as I realize my firearms are now dripping wet inside and out. Oh well, looks like I'm going to be field stripping everything as I walk.

Elliot forced me to pick up the pace a fair bit after the Serpent alerted every pony and their mother that something was going on. No doubt there's already a squad of flying ponies either interrogating or simply killing that serpent this very minute. I pull the bandanna in and out of the barrel with much more vigor then is necessary at the thought of them killing that poor bastard.

Myles said we ended up in heaven? I don't know how he knew this place existed, but we're clearly in the wrong Equestria. This place is like Serbia in 1999, it's like Cambodia under Pol Pot. This place fucking sucks. I understand it's my fault I'm here, I wanted an adventure in a different, hostile dimension. But I sure as hell didn't expect to face down the pony version of Hitler and Stalin combined!

I look down at my watch, time is 1521. I wonder when the sun sets in this world? I sure would love to travel under the cover of darkness, but It makes sense we should be focusing on getting distance from the pony towns over being sneaky right now.

"I'm borrrreed, I wanna play ball!" I let out a droning sigh at yet another childish complaint for stimulation by the blue bastard. I look down at the now very dry sixteen inch barrel in my grip. That about does it in stopping my gats from becoming brown hunks of rusty junk.

Upon putting my rifle together again, I tap Elliot on the shoulder and we switch places so I'm up front. He's still got his compass out so we don't end up walking around in aimless circles, which is easier to do then you'd think when you're in such a dense forest.

I step around a large patch of bushes, through some trees I see a grey wall. Great, what now?

"I spot something." Elliot's footfalls come to a stop behind me.

"Put me down I d-" Myles complaint is muffled by what is probably just Elliot clapping a hand over the kids muzzle. I crouch down with my rifle chambered, creeping forward the grey wall expands up and outward until I get an idea of how big this building is.

It's a goddamn castle. It's in a big clearing with a moat around it. It looks positively ancient, creeping vines have covered up a good portion of the lower levels, a lot of the walls and towers look ready to fall in on themselves with cracks and giant pieces simply missing.

Is there any reason for us to go inside this thing? It probably has some giant dragon guarding a legendary horde of treasure or some other fairy tale bullshit. I pull my left hand off the magwell of my rifle and motion for Elliot to come up to me.

I hear his still slightly squelchy shoes come up behind me where he proceeded to make a noise of contemplation. I think I can guess what he's thinking.

"It's only three pm dude, surely we should keep going for another four hours or so before finding a place to shack up." Elliot lets out a bemused huff.

"No, you clearly don't see it." He leans over my right shoulder and points at the far corner of one of the moats. It's very dark under dense canopy, but going across the chasm are the outlines of three thick ropes. I furrow my brows.

"Why is that important? Someone's living here ya think?" I keep my optic trailing over the numerous windows, arrow slits and holes dotted among the walls.

Elliot seems a bit annoyed with my response. "Yes there's someone living there, humans. That bridge couldn't possibly be used by a pony. We've found ourselves the rebels we were looking for."

I narrow my eyes. "What if it's a trap intended to lure humans on the run like us?" All of a sudden the confused face of Myles fills my vision.

"Ponies don't trap humans, they would never trap anypony." I roll my eyes. An idea pops to mind. What if we use Myles as our trap detector? Ponies wouldn't kill a lost pony kid. But humans would though.

I hiss through my teeth, causing Myles to cower to the forest floor. I stand up and look to Elliot, before I say anything he nods, gesturing to the castle.

Well, here goes nothing.

Stepping out into the clearing, I feel more than a little exposed. I've only ever been in a clearing twice in my time on this planet and both times involved my near death. I wonder if I should cross the bridge into the castle or just yell out if anyone's in there?

If there are humans in there, they wouldn't shoot me right? Would they even have guns? A few of them would, not uncommon for hikers to carry handguns to defend themselves against grizzly bears. No, I don't want to surprise them.

I slink back into the forest, getting a confused look from Elliot. I clear my throat and project my voice at a level just below a yell.

"Hello, friendly in Cherno!" I scoff at the stupidity of my statement versus the intensity of the situation. But if anyone in that castle knows the reference I'm in the clear. Elliot makes a weird face at my statement, but I'm focused on listening out for a response.

I hear nothing but silence for a while, then a quiet male voice responds from the direction of the castle. "Come out into the open." I wish I could tell if someone was a pony or a human merely by listening to them speak, but sadly no such distinction can be made with this guy. I look over to Elliot, his face doesn't betray any particular emotion.

I take a breath in and sling my AR over my shoulder, hands up in the air to show I'm not a threat. I walk out at a steady pace into the grassy clearing. My eyes trail over the castle walls but I don't see anything.

The voice comes from somewhere high up. "Are you an American soldier?"

"No."

Silence.

Another, younger voice comes from the wall, yet still I can't see them.

"What did you mean by friendly in Cherno?" Ah, I can prove I'm human.

"It's a Dayz reference, I know what a video game is because I'm a red blooded human being. I'm here with two buddies looking for some help and shelter."

A human face emerges from an arrow slit four stories up. The guy looks like a teenager, maybe fifteen years old. He narrows his eyes at me before he spies the rifle on my back. He makes a strained gasping noise before disappearing into the shadows once more.

I grit my teeth. Please don't gun me down for my shiny black rifle.

I hear a very distant, echoing conversation between multiple people inside the castle walls. I can't really pinpoint where it's actually coming from. I don't enjoy just standing here being spied on by people who probably drilled tiny little peek holes in the walls to avoid detection. I feel a hundred sets of eyes surveying my every move, every blink of my eyes is another opportunity for my life to be forfeit.

Up at the very top of the castle wall a wonky ladder begins rising up, it looks like it's made of sticks and rope. It somehow keeps growing taller and taller, this ladder must be as tall as the entire castle!

It pitches down and is awkwardly lowered by multiple sets of arms down to the dirt below. Well, looks like we're in the clear. I hear Footsteps behind me and Elliot walks right on past and toward the rope bridge on the opposite end of the clearing. I realize Myles is still in his arms, I lock up for a moment in fear of the people in the castle freaking out about a pony being here, but all I hear is the same low level muffled conversation.

Maybe this is like a human refugee camp and for the past three months of people disappearing a bunch of them ended up holing up here? It would make sense if there's a few human turned pony kids in there.

I should really look on the bright side of my adventure. Things have been really shitty so far, sure. But we've finally found other people! With my rifle, maybe I'll even be the tip of the spear against Celestia. I smile like a goofy idiot as I make my way over to the rope bridge.

I land with a shower of mist upon an angry looking cloud, I'm quickly followed by four of my stallions. Somewhere far below us two tartarus humans and one new-foal travel under the canopy. It's not the easiest job to track them ever since the bright orange human did something to stop being so bright, but it's no great challenge after three months of experience tracking creatures like them.

"Sir, they're heading toward some kind of old castle." I tilt my head to the side in confusion. I've heard nothing of an old castle out in the Everfree, although we are incredibly deep in right now. The pegasus to my right hoofs over his spyglass and I look down it, trailing the horizon to see what castle he's speaking of.

Aha.