Author's Note
Just in case you missed or skimmed over the content warnings on the story page...
This story contains; gender dysphoria, mention/memory of past sexual and physical abuse, transphobia, potentially triggering anxiety episode/spiraling thoughts.
Please make sure you have read these before reading. Thanks!
Of You And I
It was hot in Ponyville, the sun’s rays heating the air and letting all who stepped outside know it was summer. With the heat of summer came June, and with June came Pride. The town was appropriately decked out in fantastic color, flags of every kind fluttering in the cool breeze that was turning the hot day into a warm night.
Cheerilee smiled as she walked, enjoying the fresh air and the company of the mare beside her. “I’m so glad you were able to come and perform at Ponyville Pride.” She glanced over with a sly smile, “Especially now that it means I get to be with you for an entire week.”
Coloratura, or ‘Rara’ as she went by now, giggled, “Of course! I love Ponyville and was absolutely honored to perform.” Rara returned Cheerilee’s smile. “And maybe it helped that my amazing marefriend lives here.”
Cheerilee’s smile froze as a flag fluttered in the corner of her eye. Marefriend. Though, what else could Rara call ~~him~~ her? Even if she wished otherwise, he was a she, from the day the doctor pulled them screaming and kicking from the womb, spanked her flank and pronounced him a filly.
Cheerilee slowed, frowning slightly. It had been a long time since he, she, thought like this. The last time was…
“Cheer? You okay?”
Cheerilee blinked, realizing he had stopped in the street and Rara was staring back, concerned. “Huh? Oh, sorry dear, I think the heat is getting to me a little. Why don’t we stop for some ice cream.”
Thankfully, Rara accepted Cheerilee’s reasoning and rushed to his side, steadying him and urging him towards the ice cream shop.
She. She. She. I am a mare, never forget that. Never forget what she said, what she did. Don’t forget. She’ll come back if you forget. She. She. She.
Somehow, the two made it inside and to the counter. Cheerilee stood to the side as Rara ordered for them and she was thankful her marefriend remembered her favorite.
That’s right. Her. She. Mare.
Cheerilee sat at a booth and made the mistake of glancing at the window and seeing her reflection. Quickly, she averted her gaze to the table, down to his hooves as they tapped nervously on the wood surface.
Stop that! It’s annoying. Such an irritating sound, don’t do it, stop your hooves, hold still, stop. Stop the noise and pretending you are anything but a mare. My mare.
Cheerilee whimpered, his, her ears pinning flat against her head as the voice of a mare from long ago forced itself into her mind. With the voice came a memory, an unpleasant series of events, and try as she might to forget, she couldn’t. Forgetting would be bad, she couldn’t forget. Never forget.
~~
Cheerilee closed the door behind him, beaming as he entered his dorm room. It was a strange feeling to finally feel right, but boy did it feel good.
He trotted towards the floor length mirror and while he saw the form of a mare, he knew he was a stallion. He was a stallion!
“Hmm, I think I should start with cutting my mane first. I don’t think I could do a buzz cut, but maybe with some gel I could spike it up a bit?”
Cheerilee crinkled his nose at his voice and coughed, trying to adjust it and lower his pitch. “Like this? No, no, maybe this? Hmm, getting there. I should probably see about some speech lessons too. Oh! There’s probably a support group or two on campus too, I should look after dinner.”
“Cheerilee? What on Equus are you on about now?”
Cheerilee turned to face his marefriend at the time and pranced in place, “I think I finally figured myself out!”
She raised an eyebrow, “Figured yourself out? So, what, have you finally decided you are a lesbian?”
“Nope! Well, sort of. I think, no, I am trans.”
Cheerilee turned back towards the mirror, imagining how he would look once he actually started the process. He began to ramble, a giddy tone to his voice. “I was born a mare but it didn't feel right; I didn’t really like beinga mare. I didn’t know what I wanted or needed, but I knew it wasn't being female. But! Thanks to Professor Blossom and her Gender and Sexuality course, I finally realized what I was missing. I’m a stallion!”
His ears flicked as she scoffed, “Really? You think you are really a stallion cause what, some freak in a dress danced around the lecture hall spouting how much he loves himself and was happy to discover he was “trans”? Wake up Cheerilee! I told you that class was bogus, “gender and sexuality” studies my ass. That “professor” is just a mentally deranged stallion wanting to infect others. I’ve seen your body, Cheerilee, I’ve touched you for sun’s sake. You are a mare. My mare.”
Cheerilee felt all his excitement and happiness fade as he turned to face her, “I, what? No no no, that’s not right. Professor Blossom is a mare, as much as I am a stallion. We were just...born into the wrong bodies. But it’s okay! I still love you and I know this will be a huge change and if you want to take a break-”
He was cut off by a slap to his face and he stumbled back from the force of it. “No. I don’t think you heard me, Cheerilee.”
Cheerilee began to tremble, tears pricking his eyes as he held his sore cheek. He yelped as his marefriend suddenly lunged, tackling him and pinning him to the ground. “Look at you! You are weak, a real stallion would never let himself be bowled over by a puny mare like me. I told you, you are mine. My mare.”
She dragged a hoof down his body, sneering, “Look at how soft you are. Only mares are soft like this.”
Her grin turned feral as her hoof made contact between Cheerilee’s legs. “And this? What about this makes you think you could ever be a stallion?”
Cheerilee was confused and scared. Why was she being like this? And worse yet, why was his body responding to her touch? Was it true? Was he really just a-
~~
The clunk of glass bowls on the table rattled Cheerilee out of the memory. Rara was looking at her again, eyes filled with a deep concern for her well-being.
“Cheer? Everything okay?”
Cheerilee found the words ‘I’m okay’ dying on his lips, the lie turning to ash on his tongue. Tears stung his eyes and he choked out, “No. But I don’t know how to tell you.”
Rara nodded. “Do you want to think about it while we eat? We can go home and cuddle and listen to music and you can tell me when you think you are ready.”
Cheerilee nodded and wiped his eyes, a small smile of relief on his lips as he looked down at the perfect distraction; two scoops of chocolate chunk ice cream, drizzled with caramel and sprinkled with cheesecake bites. As was tradition when the two got ice cream, they clinked their spoons together before digging into the cold treat.
As Cheerilee ate, he stole the occasional glance at Rara and each time their eyes met his heart fluttered. Another memory came to mind, but this one didn’t force itself. He sank into the warmth of a past night, the night he asked her out, and remembered why he loved her. If anyone could understand, it must be her, right?
~~
Cheerilee shuffled nervously as she stood just out of sight of the bouncer guarding the backstage door.
“Come on, buck up and go over already! You always tell your students to be honest and communicate so just…do it!”
Of course, doing something was much easier said than actually done. Cheerilee backed up a couple steps, biting her lip nervously. “Ugh, what is wrong with me?! She’s just a mare! A, a beautiful, kind, wonderful mare…”
She groaned and gripped her head. It had been so long since she actually felt any sort of romantic connection to anyone, much less another mare. Butterflies fluttered in her stomach, mixed with moths of anxiety and fear.
She really wasn’t sure what she was doing here, why she would want to put herself through that again. She had sworn off relationships and didn’t want to go through finding out the ugly truth behind a pretty face again.
She snorted and pawed at the ground, half of her wanting to go forth and the other half urging her to run home. She took a deep breath and brought order to her thoughts. There’s a chance it could go wrong like last time, but there’s also a chance it could go right. Remember how she was with the foals? You’ve read the studies Cheerilee, children know when someone is good. Besides, you know the signs and know how to defend yourself now. The worst she can do to you is say ‘no’.
She nodded with conviction and charged forth, carried forward by a sudden confidence that she wasn’t sure how long would last. As she neared the bulky unicorn keeping guard, her confident posture broke a bit and she almost stopped entirely but continued forward with the last bit of momentum.
Her mouth felt dry as she opened it and she sincerely hoped her legs weren’t shaking as bad as she thought they were, “Uh, excuse me, sir, I was wondering if I could talk to Miss Rara? I’m the local school teacher and I just wanted to thank her again for the school children meet-up.”
The bouncer grunted, his horn lighting but no obvious spell being cast. Moments later, he nodded and stepped to the side and opened the door, “Go ahead.”
“Oh, thank you!”
Cheerilee stepped past him and into the backstage area where she was surprised to find the mare of the hour waiting for her. “Oh hello Cheerilee, it’s good to see you again. You wanted to talk to me?”
Cheerilee felt her heart hammer in her chest and sweat began to drip down her forehead. Finally, she nodded, “Y-yes, I just uh, I just wanted to thank you again so much for meeting with the school ponies. They really enjoyed it.”
Rara beamed, “Oh I’m glad to hear it! I always love meeting with foals.”
Cheerilee felt her knees go weak as she tried to steel her nerves to bring up the real reason she was here. “Yes, the foals are wonderful and I am just so blessed to teach them.” She gulped, “One of the lessons I try to instill in them is honesty and right now I find I am struggling with that lesson myself.”
Rara tilted her head in confusion and Cheerilee chuckled nervously as she hurriedly added, “T-that is to say that I should be honest with you and tell you how I feel. Um, I, I haven’t really done this before but I was wondering if, maybe, you might like to go get ice cream?”
Cheerilee cringed back, as if awaiting a blow of rejection, but it didn’t come. Rara had her hoof over her mouth, hiding the wide smile that had come with the date offer. She spoke in a giddy, hushed tone, “I, I don’t think anyone has ever really asked me out before.”
Cheerilee blinked and looked over at her, chewing her lip nervously. “So, is that a no? It’s perfectly okay if you aren’t into mares that way, not everyone is and-”
Rara’s laugh cut her off, but it was of genuine cheer. “What? Oh, no no no, I don’t care to label myself as ‘into’ mares or stallions.” Rara shrugged, “I care more about the pony than their gender.”
A strange relief Cheerilee didn’t fully understand blossomed in her chest and she smiled, “Is that a yes to ice cream then?”
Rara beamed and Cheerilee nearly fell over from the radiance of that smile, “Yes.”
~~
The night was warm, the full moon shining down on the streets of Ponyville and lighting the way for anyone outside.
It was quiet between Rara and Cheerilee, but it wasn’t awkward or forced. It was the quiet of a mind deep in thought and slightly scared and a heart full of compassion and understanding.
They reached Cheerilee’s house, though Cheerilee wasn’t sure if it was entirely too fast or not fast enough. The door clicked closed behind them and, suddenly, everything became real again.
Rara didn’t push, didn’t pry, didn’t even frown or look at Cheerilee with concern. She simply nuzzled her partner and settled down on the couch before opening her hooves.
Cheerilee hesitated a moment before falling into her embrace, the dams finally breaking as a deluge of tears flooded his eyes and washed down his face and into Rara’s shoulder.
Rara pulled him close and simply held him, bracing against the waves of tears and hiccups and sobs. Only when minutes passed after the last wave did she speak. “There we go, it’s alright, I’m here hun. Do you feel a bit better?”
Cheerilee nodded, throat raw and eyes puffy. Rara smiled and pecked his nose, “Good. I’m going to go get some water, I’ll be right back.”
Cheerilee nodded again and untangled himself from Rara’s grasp so she could get up. As she left to get water, Cheerilee reached towards a tissue box and began the task of cleaning his face.
Rara returned with a large glass full of ice and water, which Cheerilee gratefully drank as Rara cleaned up the small mountain of tissues that had formed in her absence. With that cleaned, she sat down next to Cheerilee and tilted her head expectedly. “Think you are ready to talk about it?”
Cheerilee let out a long, shuddering sigh and nodded. “Yes, I think so. But first, do you remember how we met?”
Rara raised an eyebrow with the question but indulged him, “Yeah, it was at my meeting with the school ponies during the charity concert.”
Cheerilee nodded. “And, do you remember how I first asked you out?”
Rara giggled, “Of course, how could I forget?”
Cheerilee smiled and nuzzled Rara as he once again steeled himself to tell her the truth. “Back then, you said you didn’t care to label yourself...Is that still true?”
Rara nodded, “I think the closest thing I would use is pansexual, but again, it doesn’t really matter to me. Where are you going with all this Cheer?”
Cheerilee sighed deeply, no more prancing about the bush, it was time. “I, a long time ago when I was in college, I had an elective course on Gender and Sexuality studies. The professor was trans and told us her experience with it. After that lecture, something...something clicked inside me and I-”
Cheerilee cringed away from Rara, his instincts telling him to run or at least get out of striking distance. “I am a stallion.”
The only sound Cheerilee could hear was the rush of his blood in his ears and the erratic pounding of his heart in his chest. His body coiled in on itself, hooves braced to push against the sofa and launch him away when the attack started.
But; it didn’t.
There was a hoof on his shoulder and he flinched, but something told him to wait, to not run away. The hoof didn’t punch to land there, didn’t press in to bruise and harm, it simply...sat there. Patient, waiting, a gentle connection to the mare he loved.
Cheerilee slowly craned his neck to look at Rara and she smiled. His heart melted at that smile and those eyes, there was no hint of malice or mistrust, just love.
And when she said those three words, ‘I love you’, he broke down again.
~~
The day was hot, the sun’s rays nearly beating down on the small town and making it very clear indeed that it was summer. Despite the heat, the streets of Ponyville were bustling as usual.
Rara stood outside of the barber shop, waiting. She smiled as she watched the streets, ponies and creatures moving about from vendor stalls to fruit stands and shops. Strung from nearly every roof and high point available were strands of flags of all colors and combinations, hanging listless in the lack of a current breeze.
Rara’s eyes landed on one in particular, with pink and blue stripes divided by white in the middle. She briefly wondered if Cheer might like one to hang outside his house, or maybe inside on a wall.
It had taken her a couple days of convincing him that no, really, she was okay if he wanted to transition and she wasn’t going to leave him or…
Rara shuddered in disgust, rage boiling in her heart. She had never been quite so mad, so peeved as when he told her what his previous marefriend had done to him and why he spent so much longer as a mare.
She snorted and shook her head. She needed to be loving and supportive right now, any trace of anger had to be scrubbed away for Cheer’s sake.
The door beside her opened and she gasped happily as her coltfriend walked out, his eyes puffy with recent tears. Rara had a feeling that these were of happiness and joy though.
“Oh Cheer look at you! You look so handsome!”
Cheer chuckled self consciously, running his hoof through his much shorter mane. “You,” he coughed and readjusted his voice, “You really like it?”
“I do! I think it suits you.”
Rara stepped forward and nuzzled him, “I must be the luckiest mare alive to have you as my coltfriend.”
Cheer nuzzled her back, a blush spreading across his cheeks. There it was, coltfriend. “And I am the luckiest stallion alive to have you as my marefriend.”
Rara’s smile was dazzling, her eyes holding a hint of mischief, “Darn right. Speaking of being a lucky stallion and me being an amazing marefriend, I got you a present. Close your eyes.”
Cheer raised an eyebrow but complied, fighting back a moment of panic as his eyes closed. He flinched as something was wrapped around his neck; small, cool, it felt like...a necklace?
“Okay you can open your eyes now.”
He looked down and gasped. Hanging on a dainty, metal chain was a large puzzle piece, enameled with the colors of a trans flag. Rara brought up her matching necklace and clicked the puzzle pieces together, hers with a faint impression of a pan flag.
“You were able to find your missing piece, Cheer, and now in being true to yourself, you have the complete picture and can complete the puzzle of my heart.”
Cheer sniffled, “Oh Rara, I love you.”
“I love you too.”
((Art done by the fantastic Mushroom!))
