Brunch With The Gods

by The Old Dust

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sad, Nightmare Moon, Princess Luna, Spike, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 1040

Illusions of perfection are dispelled, in the most heavy-handed and ridiculous manner possible.

Does Equestria truly understand the forces that govern it? Princess Celestia isn't like regular ponies. She was born as a seven foot tall princess, right? Or was she born at all?

Princess Luna does not have boogers, that's just ridiculous. Although it's common knowledge that she invented boogers when she was Nightmare Moon. Dark times indeed...

Perhaps a closer look would give us the answers we seek. Misconceptions shall be swept aside, and answers will come forth that will surprise and shock you.

Published 2012-09-08 01:04:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-08 01:04:02 UTC

Kraken Misconceptions

Over the ocean, where a skilled griffon would see Canterlot as only a white speck, Luna flew wild and unfettered beneath her moon, in silent jubilation.

Known as Princess Of The Night to her subjects.

Weaver of Dreams, to the cults and zealots.

The Dark Monarch, to the enemies she still has, domestic and abroad.

Smoopy-kins, to that senile old mare who thinks Luna is her granddaughter.

Many names to describe her, all of them with a grain of truth.

Though she is no granddaughter, and tried several times to tell the elder as such, she gave up rather quickly.

'We all need somepony to call us smoopy-kins once in a while, right?' Luna had reasoned with herself, 'besides, being treated like a regular pony every once and again is refreshing. Although, is it really proper for me to treat her as an elder if I'm older than her?' Luna quickly concluded otherwise, 'If the mare made it long enough in this world to go senile, that deserves respect. I'd say she's earned the right to throw out some pet-names.'

Had she simply looked down at the ocean beneath her at one point during her thinking, she would have seen the large shadow the beast had cast in the water.

Instead, she was alerted to the Kraken by the way the air current turned into a harsh downward vacuum, sucking her down towards the sea-beast's gaping beak. The air turned thin and foul as the Kraken sucked the air from around her.

The instant before the slimy green beast swallowed her whole, Luna thought to herself, 'There is no pain greater then the pain that could have been prevented.'

The Kraken was a territorial beast, and acted against the perceived threat accordingly.

'Or maybe it was just hungry' Luna contemplated, having slipped past the serrated beak, and barreled straight toward the stomach.

The Kraken digests its prey slowly, keeping the food alive long enough to suck every nutrient before eventually, nothing was left. Luna was once fortunate enough to dissect a Kraken, many centuries ago, and was fascinated by the creature's efficiency. As she traveled down the Kraken's insides, she found herself once again marveling at the creature. Such a large creature, and it didn't poop! It absorbed everything, so there was never any waste. Lack of fecal matter made it harder to keep track of the beast.

Luna chuckled to herself in the dark recesses of the Kraken's stomach. 'Can't call it hard to track if nopony really wants to find it, now can we?'

With casual indifference, Princess Luna turned her horn towards home, and it became unlit with magic. Describing her magic as a light was incorrect, as her magic was represented by the absence of light, a total darkness so complete that the mortal brain understood it, but the eye could not perceive it. It was difficult to properly describe. A pony might call it dark lavender or a deep blue, but in truth there was no color. Processing the sight of her magic was impossible, but the pony brain was a marvelous device, and interpreted the sight of her magic as something on the visible spectrum. If only-

“-una? Dear sister? Are you well?”

The sudden voice broke Luna from her thoughts. Luna hadn't realized she had already escaped the Kraken's belly. Teleporting had become so routine for her that she had began to do it without thought, letting her mind drift to other things while simultaneously breaking down and rearranging herself.

She turned to the voice and saw her sister, sitting on her throne, an elegant eyebrow arched slightly in amused concern.

“I am quite well sister, a slight complication with a Kraken is all.” Luna responded merrily, trotting up to her sister's side. “Did you know that a Kraken doesn't poop? It's quite fascinating, really.”

Celestia smiled at Luna's enthusiasm. “I do believe I read that somewhere. Something you've written, no doubt. Very efficient digestive system, leaves no waste, correct?”

“Indeed!” Luna cheered, “Your memory is quite sharp!”

“Though I am humbled by your sweet words,” Celestia replied, “I figured that out by looking at the state of your coat.”

It was then that Luna felt...drafty.

It was then that Luna looked down and found herself still covered in the digestive ooze of the Kraken, which had begun to eat holes in random parts of her once flawless coat.

And it was then, oh yes, only then that the mayor from Ponyville saw fit to clear her throat, the dozens of delegates behind her looking on in slack-jawed wonder. “Uhh... All due respect your majesties, but could we get back to the issue at hoof? Kraken poop wasn't an approved topic for tonight's discussion.”

“No such thing as Kraken poop...” Luna muttered petulantly, embarrassed that she had intruded on some important business. “Technically, we were discussing the lack of Kraken poop.” If she had just taken stock of her surroundings before directly discussing sea monster bowels with her sister, she would have realized she had interrupted a conference.

There is no pain greater then the pain that could have been prevented.

Celestia just smiled, and unable to help herself, she turned to the court scribe, a young pink unicorn who had temporarily stopped her writing to gawk along with the others.

“Scribe, let the record show that it was the lack of Kraken poop that was discussed. I'll not have these proceedings marred by fallacies, and if I see a single mention of a Kraken pooping, there will be consequences.”

The scribe, quite used to her monarch's sense of humor, started writing what was asked with a slight roll of the eyes.

Luna turned towards the exit, head held high, intent on exiting with some dignity intact....

split splat split splat

...only to be accompanied with each step by the wet sound of monster juice splashing on the floor.

Horseapples.

Author's note: Hello all! It's my first foray into mlp fan fiction. I hope you enjoyed this first chapter. More to come. Fair warning though, it won't all be fun times and kraken poop, as you can't be an immortal without baggage. It's like, the rules man, I dunno.