“Well… I had this strange dream again… one that even my sister apparently can’t unravel.” Celestia said.
She shifted on the couch she lay upon. Her ears were flopped down and she fiddled with her hooves. The pout on her face and the avoidance of eye contact caused Doctor Wolf to lean forward in his chair. The psychologist, who appeared to be a prettier albeit smaller version of a diamond dog, folded his paws below his chin.
“Would you mind telling me about this dream?” he asked.
Celestia inhaled and started to explain.
“Usually… I find myself in an open place. Most of the time it’s on Canterlot Square. The sky is blood red and there’s no Sun or Moon. The worst part, however, is the eerie silence. At least, until they come...”
“Who are ‘they’?” the doctor asked.
Celestia’s breathing became faster.
“They are...” she bit her lip.
“They aaaare…”
With a lowered and higher pitched voice she said:
“...the chickens!”
Doctor Wolf’s only visible reaction was a raised eyebrow.
“Chickens?” he asked with a calm tone.
“Don’t say their name so loud!” Celestia hastily begged, while yanking up on the couch. She was staring at the doctor and shivered.
“I’m sorry, Ms Celestia. Please continue.” said the tolerant and understanding psychologist.
Celestia lay down again and sighed.
“No, Doctor. I am sorry. This is very difficult for me.”
“No worries, Ms Celestia, that’s why you are here. Relax and take all the time you need.”
The alicorn gave him a nervous smile and nodded.
“In that dream… when they come… that’s when it becomes really dreadful. Endless amounts of them, masses, coming from all directions. They stare at me. I can feel their bloodlust… their thirst! They are coming to get me!”
She took a deep shaky breath.
“I want to fly away, but my wings feel so weak. I want to teleport, but my horn feels numb. And slowly… very slowly… they come closer. Their infernal clucking becomes louder and louder. I panic! I yell for help, but no sound leaves my mouth. They come closer... and closer… until they’re only a peck away!”
She paused.
“And then… a beautiful light shines down on me from above and makes them stop. I turn my head upwards and I see a strange bipedal creature gently descending towards me. It wears a white suit, a black tie and glasses. Its mane is grey and it has both a moustache and a goatee on its face. Smiling warmly, it extends a hand towards me... and I take it. I feel relieved. I cry. Suddenly, I feel so confident and strong. My horn ignites with magic and its energy is cast in all directions.”
“And what about... them?” Doctor Wolf asked.
“They burn. Every single one of them bursts into flames and when the combustion stops… instead of them… there are now countless striped paper buckets. It terrifies me what they’re filled with and even more so that it actually whets my appetite! And then my hair becomes a blazing fire! My teeth are suddenly sharp. I keep talking about the eternal day and I keep laughing and laughing and laughing… and then I wake up. I always feel strangely relaxed afterwards and at peace with myself… and hungry...”
Celestia blushes and looks away.
“It concerns me. I do not wish to take pleasure in… in what I do in that dream.”
The doctor nodded.
“To hate what you fear is a natural reaction. You’re just a pony after all. As long as these feelings don’t dominate you, you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself. But I wonder...”
He leaned back in his chair.
“Where does this deep fear of chickens come from?”
He had been careful to say ‘chickens’ as softly as possible. Nevertheless, Celestia flinched at the mere mention of their name.
“I don’t know.” she answered.
“Might it be that they remind you of a Cockatrice?”
Celestia shook her head.
“No… it would be better if they did. I like Cockatrices.”
Doctor Wolf raised an eyebrow again.
“You do?”
“I used to play with them all the time when I was a foal. Staring-contests, mostly. I still wonder why they tried over and over again, even though they never won...”
She noticed the doctor staring at her. Then her eyes went wide and she pointed at him.
“That’s exactly the face they made when losing!”
“It’s good to be an alicorn, I guess.” the doctor silently muttered.
“Beg your pardon?” Celestia asked.
“Nothing.” he answered.
“Do you have anxiety problems in general?”
“Not to my knowledge. I faced so many terrors and villains during my long life… Let’s see.. Discord, Tirek, King Sombra, Queen Chrysalis, Nightmare Moon, the real Grogar, Cthulhu, Angel Bunny, dragons, minotaurs, griffins, yaks, sea snakes, diamond dogs, hydras, bugbears, ursa minors and majors, manticores, chinzillas, tatzelwurms, shai huluds, donkeys, breezies, parasprite infestations, plagues, droughts, hurricanes, blizzards, earthquakes, wildfires, floods, wars, riots, rebellions, duels to defend my honor…”
She took a deep breath.
“...assissination attempts, including stabbing, shooting, poisoning, strangling, being buried alive, drowning, burning, freezing, electrocution, being pushed off a cliff, being fed to a T-Rex, clubs, axes, spears, swords, daggers, arrows, hammers, explosives, cannons, rockets, land mines, guillotines, nooses, sting pits, bear traps, flesh eating ants, huge boulders, quicksand, acid, deadly diseases, lasers, buffalo hugs, spells from the Necronomicon, voodoo dolls, road rollers, giant blenders, being tied to a train track, drunken hooligans, yodeling...”
Another deep breath.
“...and then there were also tax reforms, summit meetings, congressional hearings, state of the union addresses, angry crowds, dodging rotten tomatoes, whiny nobles, Chancellor Neighsay, being locked in pillory while getting spanked, boulevard media, cake shortages, having no date for a thousand years, making more alicorns, bronies…”
She paused and sighed.
“...none of these things ever really scared me. I was worried, of course, but the thought of death, pain or humiliation never stopped me in my actions. I always carried on. Even without my magic I looked evil right in the eye. But it’s a whole different matter with… ”
Celestia gulped.
“...chickens!” she quietly squeaked, squeezing her eyes shut.
Upon seeing her body shaking and the quiver of her lower lip, the doctor sighed.
“Perhaps this fear is a manifestation of all the dangers you’ve lived through. Even if you have a lot of mental strength, these things affect you at the very least subconsciously.”
“Maybe...” said Celestia.
“But I feel like there was something. Something specifically about… them.”
“Let’s find out what makes you feel that way. Do you recall any details? An image, a sound, a smell…?”
Celestia closed her eyes and furrowed her eyebrows.
“I remember... a call.”
She hesitated.
“A… rooster call. But not just that… It is shortly followed by angry yelling. It’s a pony’s voice. Wait… I remember! It’s Luna’s voice!”
Her eyes shot open and she sat upright on the couch.
“LUNA!”
Doctor Wolf was slightly startled.
“Oh… what have you remembered?”
Tears welled up in Celestia’s eyes.
“It all came back to me!”
She paused and wiped her moist cheeks.
“A thousand years ago… Luna was in a very bad place. The negligence from our subjects, them ignoring her nights and my failure to see her pain. But she could have taken all of that… She would have remained reasonable and calm… She would have talked to me… if it weren’t for him...”
“Who?” the doctor asked.
“That pesky… rooster!”
She hissed the name with venom. Her eyes narrowed as she snarled.
“Every morning… every single morning he would torture Luna with his cries, keeping her from sleeping. We searched for him, but that sneaky bird was always a step ahead of us. No amount of ear plugging was enough against his voice and when Luna moved away to get some sleep, he followed her!”
It became increasingly harder for Celestia’s words to leave her mouth, as she started to give in to sadness.
“And then… *sniff* ...one day it was too much. She couldn’t take it anymore! She snapped and vowed to bring eternal night just to make him shut uhuhuuuuuup!”
Celestia collapsed on the couch and cried her eyes out. Doctor Wolf lent her a box of tissues which she quickly used up.
“Well, Ms Celestia, I think we made some significant progress here.” the doctor said, smiling.
“We have isolated the exact source of your fear! You seem to associate the loss of your beloved sister with that certain animal. Since we now know the root of the problem, we can-”
Celestia yanked a hoof up to silence him.
“WAIT! More memories are coming back!”
***
1125 years ago.
One-year-old Celestia reaches out with her stubbly little hoof to pet the chicken in front of her. Suddenly the chicken’s head shoots towards her and steals her pacifier!
Baby Celestia starts wailing while the hen runs away, suckling on the prize.
***
1120 years ago.
Six-year-old Celestia is looking around in the castle's garden.
“Cockatwice, where are youuuuu? Wanna play?”
She sees the creature's head looming out of a bush. Little Celly smiles.
“There you are!”
She looks into the bush and sees the Cockatrice together with a chicken. They kiss with their beaks. Both creatures look at her startled. Then the Cockatrice hisses, grabs the chicken with his tail and flies away. Celestia reaches with her arm after him.
“NOOOO! Don’t leave me for her!”
The chicken gives her a smug glimpse.
***
1116 years ago.
Ten-year-old Celestia is sitting at her desk, listening to Starswirl the Bearded teaching her.
“And then the three tribes joined in harmony. Now, Celestia, can you name the-”
He suddenly stops when he sees the window and his eyes go wide.
“Oh no!”
Celestia looks to where he is staring at. From outside the window, a pony-sized rooster named Ernie is grimly staring at Starswirl. He suddenly breaks through the glass and pounces at Starswirl, who growls in return. They start a brutal fight, rolling around and punching each other.
Celestia stares at them in terror.
“NO! STOP FIGHTING!”
But they don’t. The fight goes on until half the castle is destroyed.
***
Back in the present, in Doctor Wolf’s therapy-room.
The psychologist stared at Celestia dumbfounded.
“Uh… Maybe-”
Celestia was still deep in her memories.
“There’s more!”
***
1112 years ago.
Fourteen-year-old Celestia is applying for a summer job and is sitting in front of the owner of the fast-food restaurant ‘Private Pantsy’s Pizza’.
“Well, princess, I think you really are the right pony for this job!”
Teen-Celestia beams with joy and grins, putting her braces on full display. The happiness she radiates outshines even the blemishes on her cheeks. With the money she will earn, she will finally be able to afford some proper dermatological products (those were dark times and even a princess could not get good cosmetics for free).
“Thankth, Mithter Panthy!” Celestia says with a lisp, due to her braces.
“What will my athignment be? Making Peethfffa?”
(she means ‘Pizza’)
Her new boss chuckled.
“Oh no, I need you at the counter! However...”
One week later.
Celestia stands at the counter, wearing a chicken-costume. Her frown and soulless expression clearly show her enthusiasm ...or lack thereof.
The next customers come before her and she monotonously recites the restaurant’s obligatory greeting.
“Cockadoodleloo, what can I do for you?”
***
1111 years ago.
Fifteen-year-old Celestia just did the unthinkable: She raised the Sun all on her own without depleting even a single bit of her magic!
“It is time for a new day in Equestria!” she loudly proclaimed.
Suddenly a horde of angry roosters stands around her. They all look very tired and some are wearing sleeping hats on their heads or carrying pillows under their wings.
“IT’S TOO EARLY!” one of them yells in chicken-language.
All of them jump at Celestia and peck her down.
Celestia corrects herself loudly:
“ACK! IT IS TIME FOR A NEW PAIN IN EQUESTRIAAAA!”
***
1025 years ago.
One-hundred-year-old Celestia gets a month-long vacation at a wellness resort for her 100th birthday. Sadly, the resort turns out to be just a farm and she has to sleep in a chicken coop.
The chickens snore. Loudly.
***
912 years ago.
Celestia comes down with the Chicken Pox and can’t partake in a cake-eating competition.
A chicken wins first place.
***
831 years ago.
Celestia gives Philomena a hug, but it turns out to be a disguised bird instead.
A chicken-assassin, to be exact, but it can do only as much harm as you’d expect.
***
745 years ago.
Celestia accidentally gets buried by an avalanche of eggs.
She is later found in a giant prize-winning omelette.
***
587 years ago.
Celestia rejects a challenge to a cart race when suddenly somepony says “What are you? A chicken?” to which she replies “Nopony calls me a chicken!”. The race ends with Celestia crashing into a fancy noble’s wagon.
She has no insurance.
***
423 years ago.
During a visit to Neighpon, Celestia gets stepped on by ‘Kyo-Niwatori’, the Chicken-Kaiju. She defeats it afterwards, together with Clopzilla, but the neighponeese make a manga about the stepping-incident, mocking Celestia
...while also over-sexualizing her.
***
361 years ago.
Celestia meets Scootaloo’s ancestors.
Results in trauma. Enough said.
***
243 years ago.
Another assassin tries to murder Celestia using a chicken-feather. It doesn’t hurt but it’s still very annoying.
Celestia is extremely ticklish.
***
190 years ago.
Ernie, the pony-sized rooster comes back and since he can’t find Starswirl, he starts a fight with a good friend of Celestia, the Gryphon-ambassador Petor.
Again, half the castle gets destroyed.
***
128 years ago.
A chicken propagates ‘Democracy’ and almost succeeds in establishing it.
It uses a book about the health-risks of cake as its manifesto.
***
50 years ago.
Celestia tries to peep through a hole into the Canterlot Hoofball Team’s locker room.
A rooster lurks on the other side and pecks her in the eye.
***
43 years ago.
Celestia learns that eggs are used when baking cakes.
She’s been looking for a substitute ever since.
***
22 years ago.
Celestia plays a Zelda game and a particular fight involving a Cucco goes very very wrong...
***
7 years ago.
While watching a live Cheese Sandwich show, Celestia is assaulted with Boneless, the rubber chicken.
***
3 years ago.
Pinkie Pie, wearing a chicken costume for Nightmare Night, is relentlessly terrorizing Celestia and mistakes her screams for cries of joy, so naturally she continues the whole night.
***
Back in the present.
Doctor Wolf took his time to contemplate the issue. Celestia patiently waited for his response ...for about two seconds.
“What can I do, Doctor? Can you cure me?”
Suddenly, the doctor shrugged.
“I don’t know… is there a cure for fate?”
After a moment of silence, Celestia stood up from the couch, visibly dissatisfied.
“I’ll just hit them with the Elements!” she grumbled while starting to write a letter to Twilight.
Doctor Wolf smiled broadly and said:
“It’s good to be helping.”
Celestia stopped writing for a moment and glared at him.
“Oh yeah, what a great help YOU have been!”
Unphased, the doctor smiled at her.
“I’ve never tried to be.”
Celestia raised an eyebrow.
Suddenly, Doctor Wolf pulled off what had been a wolf mask all along and revealed his true identity: Ernie, the pony sized rooster!
A battle ensued.
The whole castle got destroyed.
The End
Author's Note
For anyone who has noticed:
Yes, this story is inspired by that Simpsons episode where Marge is afraid of flying.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSi-JXlyhRk
Ernie the rooster is from the show Family Guy.
And more importantly:
The character Doctor Wolf belongs to DRWolf001 https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCSVbVB1hckKojjYdOl9q2og
I showed him this story before publishing it.
And like with my previous stories, very special thanks to DracoBlair for his thorough help with many details! Please visit his DeviantArt-page:https://www.deviantart.com/dracoblair
