Let's Talk Sh!t About Our Exes!

by Rainy Daze

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Romance
Length: 3210

The Mane Six have a gossip session about their exes!

At one particularly boring get together for the elements of harmony the only answer lies in the form of a prolonged gossip about all of their past romantic exploits.

An ongoing series in which all and any possible ships are likely to have already happened.

Now with a companion story, Let's Talk Sh!t About Our Exes 2: The B Squad!

Note: Profanity tag is for the single use of one word throughout the entire story, as well as its censored use in the title and cover art. No other expletive language is featured in or planned to be featured in any and all future chapters.

Published 2021-07-20 19:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-08-03 21:36:41 UTC

Who's Up First?

The Elements of Harmony, the heroes of Equestria who had saved their land and many others so many times past, sat around a table, bored out of their minds. The six ponies; each with their own busy lives, still made a point to take a little time out of their day to spend it all together; even if there was nothing planned. Though, up until today, there always had been.

Applejack and Fluttershy were perhaps the most physically busy of the six at this point in time and were using the opportunity to catch up on some much needed rest.

AJ sat with her hat suavely tipped in front of her face to cover her eyes, reminiscent of many travelling adventurers.

Fluttershy on the other hand lied rather ungracefully relative to her usual manner, with her head resting on the table top but snoring so faint that it could hardly bother anypony.

Rainbow Dash, forever the thrill-seeker was not amused by the situation in any form and had been wrestling with her seat for the past thirty minutes or so since they had finished with the greetings and pleasantries.

Pinkie Pie sat in her chair strangely still and calm. She had thankfully learned that singing ‘One-Hundred Bottles of Pop On The Wall’ in her head was basically the same as doing it aloud; a revelation that delighted many of the ponies that ever travelled with her.

Twilight read a book.

Rarity was the most aware member of the group and was not at all one to be reticent of her opinion, be it positive or otherwise. She held a glass nail-file in her magical aura as she used it to touch up her already manicured hooves when the perfect conversation starter suddenly popped into her head.

“Who wants to talk shit about our exes?” she said with a sly smirk.

“Me!” cried out the remaining five ponies instantly and all at once. Apparently Applejack and Fluttershy were not in as deep a sleep as they appeared. In fact, if one were listening closely they might have noticed that a certain yellow pegasus seemed to respond a split-second before the others; and with greater enthusiasm to boot. After which she immediately sat back down hoping no one had noticed.

Rarity set down her file into its monogrammed velvet bag. “Oh marvellous darlings, this is just the sort of thing I always hope we end up doing at our little gatherings,” she mused. “Now who’s up first I wonder. Hmm... eenie, meenie, miney, Fluttershy!” She quickly pointed at the yellow pegasus who was on the other side of the table from where Rarity had been looking when she’d said ‘miney’.

Fluttershy giggled a false nervousness as she spoke, “Oh you don't want me to go first, I’ve hardly had any dating experience at all.” She finished with a blush.

Rarity, as well as the rest of the group, knew that that was a red faced lie. “Honestly Fluttershy, who do you think you’re fooling here?” she chided in a playful tone.

“I have no idea what you mean Rarity,” Fluttershy replied, eyes darting from side to side.

Rarity submitted her evidence: “Big Macintosh, Bulk Biceps, Aloe Vera and Lotus Blossom, Miss Trixie Lulamoon, Princess Luna, not to mention yours truly,” she finished with a smug gesture of the forehoof.

“Fleetfoot, Blaze, Doctor Caballeron, Daring Do, and yours truly!” Added Rainbow Dash who’s voice grew more bitter with each pony on her list.

“Princess Celestia, Mage Meadowbrook, Tempest Shadow, Starlight, Octavia Melody, Minty, Rockhoof, Amethyst Star...” were Twilight's amendments.

“Apple Honey, Apple Leaves, Apple Cider, Apple Split, Rara, Autumn Blaze, Flim and Flam,” Applejack shuddered, punctuating her sentence with a tone of both genuine confusion and mild disgust.

Pinkie Pie jumped and down and all around squeaking, “Ooh, ooh, me next, me next! Let’s see, there was both the Cloud Chasers, Cheerilee, Tree Hugger, Cherry Jubilee, Miss Harshwinny, Ember the Dragon Lord, Double Diamond but that didn’t last long at all! Me, Twilight, Coco Pommel, and-”

“Discord!” said all six ponies with a mixture of exhaustion, relief and laughter.

The six friends stared awkwardly at each other, each having a reason to be at least a little red-faced. For once Fluttershy wasn’t the one overcome with embarrassment. There were a lot of ponies mentioned whom the others were not aware of so it was more than her own dirty laundry being hung out for all to see.

“Hang on a minute here!” cried Applejack, “How come you never did anythin’ with me before?”

“You wanna get together after this and fix that mistake AJ?” answered Fluttershy as she suggestively raised her eyebrows up and down. Applejack used all of her Earth pony strength to fight the urge to swoon there and then. Fluttershy’s special talent was to charm animals, and ponies are animals after all.

“I uh- Um, well maybe, I mean-” Applejack grew more and more flustered before being saved by Rarity’s intervention.

“Yes, actually, thinking of it now we’d be here all night and barely get through half of Fluttershy’s exploits let alone any of our own wouldn’t we?” said Rarity to the agreement of all present company.

Twilight realised that somepony should at least appear to be the voice of reason, even if she did still want to engage in some juicy gossip. “Let’s think carefully everypony. We all know what kind of squabbles can come about from gossiping,” she said.

Rarity, however, was not going back to the boredom of the last half an hour. “As I recall we all seemed to be very enthusiastic about the prospect and I don’t see anypony else coming up with any ideas.”

Twilight receded her argument with gusto. There was no way she would miss out on some of these stories.

Pinkie Pie shook in her seat enough to vibrate it out of its crystal foundations. “Who’s going first?! Who’s going first?!”

A conniving smile took over Fluttershy’s face as she sang, “Who wants to hear about Rainbow Dash and Zephyr?”

Eyes grew wide and jaws hit the table.

“Well I never,” said Applejack with her gaze fixed to the table in astonishment.

Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash keeled over laughing to everypony else’s surprise.

Rainbow Dash collected herself, “Oh I’m gonna get you for this Fluttershy(!)”

Fluttershy continued to bawl in a fit of laughter. “N- Nothing you have on me is better than this!” she said with no end to her merriment.

Rarity was gushing with joy at this revelation; any gossip involving Rainbow Dash had always been a particular favourite of hers, especially given how bad she was at keeping secrets. “Details. Now!” she demanded.

“Ohh where to start?” Fluttershy mused, “When did your little crush on my brother start again?" she asked.

“What?!” screamed the voices of four ponies who might have just the biggest shock any of them would feel for the rest of their lives.

Rainbow Dash sighed in plain defeat. “You couldn’t leave that part out could you?”

“Oh I remember now! It all started when you joined the cheerleading squad,” said Fluttershy who sat back contently.

Twilight bit her lip in hopes of containing the immense outburst of laughter that laid inside her, but inevitably broke out into hysterics. She was more than happy to see the bold and brash Rainbow Dash be taken down a peg or two. While still being in the name of good fun of course.

“Oh come on now.” Applejack, the honest apple herself, was sure that at least some of this story must have been fabricated.

Rarity on the other hoof was desperate for it to be true. “You were a cheerleader?!” she yelled over Twilight’s laughter, “Did you have to wear the little outfit?! Are there pictures?!"

Fluttershy looked at Rarity and sang, “There are.” Everyone looked at Rainbow expecting her to finally regale them with the tale.

She sighed, “Okay so back in Cloudsdale High-”

“I get it!” Pinkie Pie interjected, being the only pony to note the double meaning of ‘high’ in this context.

“Anyway, back in high school my flight coach made me take part in the cheerleading squad because apparently I didn’t know how to be a team player and if I didn’t start behaving like one, she’d kick me off the relay team. So eventually I ended up cheering for one of his track meets.”

“But Rainbow dear, I thought you were always... well... you know?” Rarity asked while dancing around the subject.

“He had long hair! I thought he was a mare!” Rainbow yelled in reply.

“It was the colt’s air sprinting competition, Rainbow Dash,” added Fluttershy.

Applejack held her head in her hooves and muttered, “I just can’t believe any of this.”

“I never paid attention to stuff like that. I didn’t even wanna be there in that stupid get up,” she pouted.

Pinkie Pie strangely decided to be the voice of logic for once and asked, “Wait, how come you didn’t know he was Fluttershy’s brother Dashie?” Despite the shame of not noticing that hole in the story themselves, everypony else was still eager to hear the answer.

“We didn’t exactly hang out much and, I mean he’d grown his hair out over summer vacation,” Rainbow Dash answered.

Pinkie suddenly had her nose pressed up against Rainbow’s, her eyes squinting with scrutiny. After an uncomfortable ten seconds of deliberation she said, “Okie, dokie, lokie!” with a smile and sat back down.

“Still doesn’t explain why you went on five dates with him,” said Fluttershy.

Applejack set her forehooves on the table and said, “Okay now that is the last straw! You expect me to believe you went on five dates with that boy without figurin’ out he was a boy?”

Rainbow Dash was anxious to defend herself, “He had a really feminine voice!” she pleaded.

Fluttershy nodded her head in both agreement and second hand embarrassment.

“Well why didn’t you say anything Fluttershy?” Twilight asked, pointing to the yellow pegasus.

Fluttershy was struck with shock that she was once again on trial, so she went to her never-failing back up plan. “Oh, well, um, I’m shy…” she said, as she shrunk into her seat, getting quieter with every word. Everypony besides Rainbow Dash bought the performance and offered reassuring looks.

Applejack even offered an ‘Aww, it’s okay sugarcube.”

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and begged, “Can we please move on now? There’s really nothing good left for this one, I promise.”

Rarity fanned herself with a magazine she held with her magic. “As much as I doubt that and would love to take the time to discuss this further, I fear that we won’t have time for anypony else. Which begs the question: who’s next?”

A Taste of Her Own Medicine

“I think it’s only fair that the one who got us into this topic should make a contribution,” replied Twilight with a suggestive look toward Rarity.

“Oooooh,” added Pinkie. Everyone else was more than tantalised by the prospect of hearing one of Rarity’s closely guarded secrets.

“Hmm? Oh, little old me? But I couldn’t possibly; just think of my reputation(!)” Rarity gushed, finishing with a melodramatic false faint back into her seat. “I mean really darlings if you think I won’t dish about my own romantic misadventures then I’m afraid you’ve got another thing coming,” she said with an amused grin. “Pick any of my former flings and I’ll happily give you every detail.”

“Fluttershy,” was the immediate response of four of the present ponies; minus one yellow pegasus.

“What?!” cried out Fluttershy as she bolted from her seat. She cleared her throat, “Oh, um, I mean, that’s fine I suppose,” she said as she sank back into her chair.

“Need I remind you girls that I said ‘former’ flings?” asked Rarity, “I’m afraid that as long as she and I are still an item those details remain off-limits.”

Four ponies exhaled a collective groan while Fluttershy sighed in relief.

“Hey, I’ve always wondered, is it true what they say about Fancy Pants?” asked Rainbow Dash.

All eyes were on Rarity at the mention of this particularly hot rumour.

Rarity hung her head back and giggled, “Is it true?! Is Applejack still considering Fluttershy’s earlier offer?(!)”

“Hey now- I uh…,” AJ fumbled her shocked response.

“Ah, ah, ah Applejack, you cannot tell a lie. Besides, it is true. I’m afraid dear old Fancy Pants can’t keep that horn of his pointed in the right direction as it were,” said Rarity.

Most of the mares gave each other knowing looks but Pinkie said, “I don’t get it.”

“He um… prefers the company of stallions, Pinkie Pie,” replied Applejack who was worried she might have just accepted the duty of giving Pinkie ‘the talk’.

“Ohhhh,” Pinkie laughed, “Like Braeburn!”

“Yes Pinkie, but unlike Braeburn, Fancy Pants preferred to keep his inclinations a private matter until quite recently,” said Rarity.

“Shocking(!)” Twilight interjected.

“Oh hush Twilight dear, this is all in good fun. I wouldn’t say anything like this if I didn’t think it was proper. Anyway it’s not as if I made it out of the whole situation unscathed did I? I mean to be used as someone’s beard; well I never!” finished Rarity with a tinge of genuine offense.

“Yeah well, ya were,” snickered Rainbow Dash, with a few supporting chuckles from the rest of the girls.

“Hmmph,” Rarity pouted. “I suppose it all worked out well enough in the end though,” Rarity continued, “After all, I hear he and Prince Blueblood are very happy together.”

“What?!” Twilight yelled.

Applejack shook her head and laughed, “Ya sure know how to pick ‘em Rarity.”

“You got that right,” added Fluttershy with her signature suggestive flick of the eyebrows.

Rarity grew prideful, “Well, I do like to think so. I mean who do you think set them up?”

Twilight spoke up, “Um, between Trenderhoof, Blueblood, and Fancy Pants, have you ever dated a stallion who actually liked mares?”

Rarity became flustered, “Oh but of course! I mean there was- Oh wait no he’s with Toe-Tapper now, who I also dated,” she winced and rushed to find any example to prove them wrong. “Oh! I think Flash Magnus has flirted with me a few times!” she stammered.

The five mares laughed, loudly.

“What? What? What is it?” Rarity pouted and pleaded.

Rainbow Dash put on her best impression of Rarity and answered, “If you think Flash Magnus is straight then I’m afraid you’ve got another thing coming(!)”

Rarity rolled her eyes, “Oh for Celestia’s sake! Are you kidding me?”

The laughter would not subside so soon. “Maybe it’s Rarity putting them all off from ever seeing mares again!” said Pinkie, with cheer in the room only growing.

“Oh come on now, you’re all taking this too far,” Rarity pouted and sulked in her seat.

Fluttershy flew over to her and said, “If it is true then I’m glad because that means there’s less ponies to take my little diamond away.” She finished by nuzzling her marefriend’s nose.

“Oh Fluttershy, you always know just the right thing to say,” Rarity giggled and blushed.

Twilight interrupted them, “Hey, hey, hey! Public display! If we’re done here shouldn’t we move on?”

“You’re right Twilight,” Rainbow Dash, “Perhaps you would like to share with the class?”

Twilight closed the book she had been periodically returning to whenever she grew bored of the conversation. She looked out across the table, closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Do your worst.”

Rainbow Dash rubbed her hooves together, “Ohh where to start with Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendzone.”

“Tia told me sooo much about her,” said Fluttershy, "and her little crush."

“Isn't it a little weird for a teacher to date a student?” asked Pinkie Pie.

“You got a point there Pinkie,” said Applejack.

“Well you can’t ask Twilight, considering all that happened between her and Miss Glimmer,” Rarity added.

“Yeeeah, I’d really prefer we not open that can of worms,” said Rainbow Dash with a grimace.

“Oh yes, I nearly forgot about you and Spitfire; I suppose it is the same sort of dynamic isn’t it?” Rarity pondered.

“Uh-uh-uh, I've been humiliated enough for one night. Besides, couldn’t you make the same argument for Discord and Fluttershy?” said Rainbow Dash.

Rarity scoffed, “Oh please Rainbow Dash, we all know who held the leash in that relationship,” she finished with an amused smile.

“Literally!” Pinkie joked. The girls all laughed, but Fluttershy's eyes showed a certain nervousness that suggested she had something to hide.

Rarity took a sip of tea and said, “Now as I recall we were all about to take Twilight on a little trip down memory lane. Can someone refresh my memory as to whom Twilight has actually dated?”

Everypony looked around at each other awkwardly as they played along with the charade.

“Hey! I’ve dated plenty of ponies,” moaned Twilight.

“Now Twilight it ain’t anythin’ to be ashamed of,” said Applejack, “Some ponies just need to find that special someone first.”

“We were just talking about how I dated Starlight!” Twilight was now half on the table waving one hoof in the air.

“I have absolutely no idea what you’re talkin’ about,” Applejack turned away nonchalantly.

“And Luna, Fluttershy,” Twilight was ready to ramble, unfortunately she lacked the ammunition required. “Tempest Shadow, Flim, um, Big Mac-”

“One date doesn’t count,” said Rainbow Dash with a smarmy smile.

Twilight grew nervous, “I- I think Sunburst might be interested and well there’s-”

“Saayy it,” sang the rest of the girls.

“Stygian,” said a solemn Twilight.

Rarity yelled, “She admitted it!”

“Told ya!” said Applejack, “Now pay up!” Rainbow Dash proceeded to get twenty bits out of her wallet.

“Hello everypony! How are we all doing tonight? I just popped in to-”

“Not now Discord!” the six yelled.

Discord said a simple “Hmph!” and immediately disappeared.

“Even I couldn’t keep a secret that long,” Pinkie said with bewilderment.

“Yeah, yeah, hardy-har-har. I guess you all know now,” Twilight said with her hooves on her hips making faces at her friends.

“Oh Twilight, don’t be such a spoilsport,” Rarity said kindly.

“Seems, like you got off easy,” Twilight replied, peering at her from across the table.

“You’ll get all the good dirt on me once Fluttershy loses interest and leaves me for someone else,” Rarity said aloofly.

Fluttershy shot up like a bullet, “What? N- no I won’t…” Her eyes darted around the room.

“What’s so bad about dating Stygian anyway?” Pinkie asked.

Twilight raised a brow, “Don’t you girls know?” They all shook their heads. “Oh, well, uhhh….”

“What is it Twilie?” Pinkie asked.

“Um, let me tell Rarity first,” she said with a mischievous grin. She walked over to Rarity and leaned into her ear to whisper.

After a few short seconds Rarity’s eye twitched and she immediately broke loose from Twilight’s words. “Ew, ew, ewwww. No, absolutely not! No, no, no, no, no, no! I won’t hear anymore of this, just, euughhhh! I mean honestly! I know he’s from a different time but-” She shuddered, “Oh no, I thought about it again!”

“Uhh, maybe we should take a break,” said Fluttershy