Common Kurt-esy

by PegPony

Rating: mature
Tags: Alternate Universe, Human, Porn, Fetish, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4495

A human ends up in Equestria, a contrived sexual narrative ensues.

The mighty beast known as Typhon has placed a terrible curse upon Equestria, because although he was defeated, no more males are being born! A young man known as Kurt has also found himself in Equestria, could he be the key to their salvation? Can he save the pony race from extinction?

This story was written for: Undead Man

Published 2021-07-09 22:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-07-09 22:10:01 UTC

Prologue

A great storm hung over Equestria, the sky was smothered with dark clouds that roared with thunder while the land was blanketed with ash and poison. Typhon had awakened. Typhon was a creature of pure evil that was older than time itself, born just before the universe was created and was shortly thereafter imprisoned in the deepest caves of Tartarus, so deep they almost reached the very core of the planet. After supereons, Typhon had managed to break his chains, free himself from his prison and was now wreaking havoc on Equestria, the wailing winds of several tornadoes sucked up everything in their path, acid rain fell from the skies, lightning flashed so bright it could blind, restless oceans flooded the shores, the land buckled and shook as earth quakes rippled through the soil. It was the apocalypse.

Or at least it would have been had the elements of harmony not been retrieved despite Typhon's attempts to thwart the two princesses in obtaining them, as they both rose into the sky they saw the truest form of Typhon that their minds could perceive and comprehend. Two great glaring eyes of fire, burning with the fury of a billion suns about to go supernova, hundreds of writhing and spitting pythons hissed around where his face would be, several flapping reptilian wings adorned a body of unknown proportion. Typhon was a cataclysmic creature so large he almost took up a quarter of the continent, there was only one way the elements of harmony could stop him, no banishment, no imprisonment, plain and simple destruction, Typhon had to die if they were to survive.

As the princesses blasted Typhon with the elements of harmony, an ungodly scream echoed through the air while his body was rapidly torn apart atom by atom, before he died and vanished completely Typhon finally spoke, with his final breaths he uttered one simple sentence to ensure his victory even in death. With a booming snarling voice he said "Επικαλέστηκα την αρχαία δύναμη με τα τελευταία μου λόγια, πώς θα ζήσεις χωρίς επιβήτορα στα κοπάδια σου;"

What did it mean?

Leaving The Old Life

Earth: 1,102 years later -

Kurt sighed as he looked down, how had his life come to this? He was only nineteen and yet he had reached the point where he felt there was no way he could go on living. His parents had died in a car crash the previous year, leaving him alone with an abusive older brother who had turned to drink and drugs to bury his grief, eventually he got his brother arrested and his best friend offered him and his girlfriend, Catherine, a room to stay while Kurt got back up on his feet. Things were OK for a while, until one day when he was out looking for a job he returned to find his girlfriend cheating on him with his best friend, that was the final straw.

Kurt considered everything as he continued to look down at the water from the edge of the bridge he was standing on, he was prepared for eternity. With absolutely no regrets about the choice he was making, he jumped and let gravity do the rest. As his body approached the water there was suddenly a circle of glowing light appearing out of nowhere just above the surface of the water, despite the certainty of death not scaring Kurt in the slightest, he was concerned as to exactly what this light was that he was about to come into contact with, he closed his eyes as the light became too bright for his eyes to handle just seconds before he hit whatever this light was.

back in Equestria -

Twilight was in her castle sorting through fan mail, she didn't understand why being a new princess equated to basically being a celebrity. She had just finished reading through the last letter when Barb ran in and in her high-pitched girly voice said "Twilight! Twilight! It's been activated!"

Twilight looked at her and said "What's been activated?"

Barb jumped up and down excitedly with a big grin on her face and said "It's the portal Twilight! It's located a suitable sentient male!"

Twilight's eyes went wide "What?! REALLY?!?! Well come on then! Let's go!" Twilight and Barb ran to the secret room in the castle where a portal had been cast years ago. The portal that had been placed in the secret room had been dormant for many years, the purpose of the portal was to locate a young, fertile and sentient male on the condition that said male wasn't stolen away from an already existing sexual partner or family, the unfortunate thing was that the portal wasn't cast with the idea in mind that said male had to be a pony. Which is why it came as quite a surprise to Twilight and Barb when suddenly a strange bipedal creature wearing clothes appeared from the portal, soaring into the air a couple of feet and then crashing to the ground upon the portal closing, which resulted in him shouting "Ow! Fuck!" It was Kurt.

Kurt rubbed his head and groaned, the amount of pain he was in suggested to him that he was unsuccessful in his attempted suicide, as he looked around he didn't recognize anything, everything he saw was unfamiliar. As he kept looking he finally found himself looking at... what was he looking at? Some kind of purple horse creature with a horn and some wings stood next to a strangely curvaceous and clearly female lizard thing... where the fuck was he?! The air was still and silent for a moment before Barb, with a little wave, said "Um... hi". Kurt was surprised and had a billion questions racing through his mind, but seeing that the creatures that were staring at him didn't appear to have any malevolent intentions, were intelligent and spoke his language, he remained fairly level-headed for being in such an odd situation.

Twilight decided to chip in and said "Are you... OK?"

Kurt yawned and said "Yeah... fine thanks, first things first though... who are you? Where am I? How did I get here? Why am I here? Before I can start to accept anything that is happening I'm gonna need an extremely thorough and logical explanation to everything I just asked, got it?"

Twilight half-expected those kind of questions, though she had to admit when Kurt came through the portal she went from half-expecting it to fully expecting it. Barb was just partially hiding herself behind Twilight, staring at Kurt with a big blush on her face. Twilight cleared her throat and said "My name is Twilight Sparkle, I am the princess of friendship. With me is my number one assistant, Barb. You are currently located in my castle in the town of Ponyville, our country is called Equestria. You got here via a magical portal which, upon your arrival, has now vanished. The reason for you being here is that the portal was designed to locate and transport a young, fertile and sentient male to this room, although it appears that the portal wasn't working on the assumption that said male would have to be a pony rather than......... whatever it is you are".

Kurt said "Well my species is a human being, my name is Kurt. Couple more questions, why do you specifically need a portal to get a male pony here? Why do you need a male pony at all? Oh and finally, probably the most important question, if this portal is meant to bring a pony then why the fuck did it transport me?!"

Twilight lit her horn, she didn't think Kurt would become violent but it was better to be safe than sorry in the presence of a creature that was acting aggressive. Remaining calm but vigilant, Twilight explained the situation, "Around one thousand years ago, a demonic creature with eyes of fire, a body of snakes and several bat-like wings by the name of Typhon escaped from Tartarus, bringing a great storm in his wake. He laid waste to the land, our kind was only saved thanks to the ruling princesses who used magical relics known as the elements of harmony to kill Typhon, however, our battle with Typhon continues to this day".

Kurt raised an eyebrow, he was confused, "What do you mean? If this Typhon guy is dead then everything should be fine, right? How can you still be battling him?"

Twilight continued and said "Before Typhon was destroyed, he cast a final spell to ensure that even after his death he would triumph in his goal to eradicate us, the incantation was spoken in a foreign tongue and roughly translated to "I invoke the ancient power with my last words, how will you live without a stallion in your herds?", at first the spell didn't seem to have any noticeable effect, that is until years later when it became apparent that across every single sentient species in the land, no males were being born. The intent was to essentially prevent us from procreating and thus we'd simply die of extinction, our society has become entirely female. The only reason our species has persisted for so long is that the princess of love possesses magic that can allow a female to become pregnant without the aid of a male participant, trouble is she can only make it happen for a couple who are truly in love with each other and since no males were being born the only couples she could help out were lesbian couples and, of course, they could only give birth to girls. Equestria doesn't really have an enormous gay community so we can't go on forever as we are, so the last ditch attempt was this portal. Does that cover everything Barb?"

Barb looked at Twilight and said "Yeah, though I think you could have just summed it up by saying no guys are being born so our population is on the decline, but he did ask you to be thorough"

Kurt understood the basic concept, "Hang on, can't you just magic a dick and balls onto a girl or something? Besides, that explanation didn't answer my last question, Why did the portal bring me here and can I be sent back?"

Twilight said very matter-of-factly "We've tried the spell you've suggested, Typhon's spell cancels it out", then with a nervous smile she said "Well... actually the reason for the portal bringing you here is the one thing I don't know, as for sending you back... that is unfortunately not possible, the portal was created using a form of magic that no longer exists... you're stuck here".

As Kurt absorbed that information he let out a long sigh, he figured a new life was better than dying and said "Thank you Twilight, I suppose I better get comfortable in my new home, there wasn't much for me to go back to anyway".

Barb suddenly became rather excitable and went "Wait wait wait... Twilight... do you mean to say that... he's staying here in Ponyville?!?!"

Twilight turned her horn off, nodded and said "Yes Barb, though we weren't exactly expecting Kurt, we need to make sure he can settle here if he has no way back to his world".

Barb held in just how ecstatic she felt, she didn't know why nor did she care, but she found Kurt to be rather alluring. Twilight went "Well Kurt, I suppose the best start would be to introduce you to my friends!" As Kurt followed Twilight and Barb to the throne room, he noticed that Barb had already become somewhat infatuated with him, the biggest sign was when she "accidentally" kept brushing her tail against his groin. When Kurt looked at her quizzically she simply winked and stuck her tongue out at him, he had to admit that if she was trying to be seductive, she wasn't exactly failing. They entered the throne room and as Kurt expected, all of her friends were ponies and they were all sitting around an enormous table. "Everyone..." said Twilight "This is Kurt, he has just arrived through the portal and I know he is not a pony, however we have no way of sending him home so I want you to treat him normally and make sure he is as comfortable as possible while he makes a new life here in Ponyville".

Kurt was greeted one by one by Twilight's friends, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Fluttershy and Rarity, they were all really rather nice all things considered. Twilight smiled and said "Excellent! So while Kurt is here, what has everyone been up to today?"

Rainbow Dash started with "Well I napped, busted some clouds, napped, arranged some weather, napped, won a race against some pony, napped, had sex with one of Applejack's pigs, napped and finally came here, probably gonna take a nap afterwards".

Kurt's eyes went wide and he immediately went "Whoa whoa whoa whoa WHOA there... did you just say you had sex with a pig?"

Starting The New Life

Rainbow Dash didn't seem to understand what the issue was as she said "Uh... yeah, well a mare has gotta get some dick somehow hasn't she?"

Kurt turned to Twilight "OK, sorry about this but surely you can understand I have questions here, I thought no males were being born? Also the bigger issue, how is she not in jail or something?"

Twilight said "Ah ah ah, no males in sentient societies are being born, domestic and wild animals aren't sentient in the same way you and I are. What I don't get is why you would assume Rainbow Dash should be in jail, is having sex with animals illegal in your world?"

Kurt nodded and went "Very... for the most part."

Twilight seemed shocked yet intrigued, "That's interesting, what are the laws regarding sex in your world? Our laws are very liberal in that regard, how do your laws work?"

Kurt said "Well, when it comes to sex the ones I can think of off the top of my head are no sex with animals, no sex with children, no rape, no sex with family members for the most part and no sex with dead bodies".

Twilight went "I see, well we certainly don't have sex with dead bodies and we certainly don't condone rape but the rest is actually fairly common place here"

Kurt couldn't believe it "Really?!"

That's when Rarity got involved, "Why certainly Kurt! Like Rainbow Dash said she rather enjoys a roll in the hay with an animal now and then, some mares need cock occasionally! I'm quite partial to incest myself, I frequently enjoy the company of my mother in the bed room".

Then Applejack got involved by saying "Yeah! Also no sex with children? I can't imagine a world where I wouldn't be allowed to fool around with whatever little filly shakes their cute little butt at me!" Kurt was astounded, he hardly thought "liberal" was the correct term for their laws regarding sex, he thought the more appropriate term should have been "We don't give a shit".

Kurt then said "Isn't bestiality sort of the same as rape though?"

Fluttershy jumped into the conversation and said "Not if you do it the way you're supposed to, if you bend over in front of an animal or spread your legs for them and they decide of their own volition to have sex with you, that can't really be considered rape can it?" Kurt thought about that, it made sense in an odd sort of way.

Pinkie Pie ended it all with saying "Fun right? Seeing as you're the newest guy in town you can probably expect a few mares wanting to take a ride with you! Enjoy it!" Kurt found himself surprisingly OK with the concept of fucking a pony rather than rejecting the idea, had he somehow repressed some weird kinky side of his personality that was now at the forefront? He couldn't be sure.

Twilight smiled and said "Well, now that we've got all that cleared up, I think we should go let everyone in town know about our new arrival. Kurt probably doesn't want to meet them all at once so for now we'll just let him rest here, Barb, can you make sure he gets everything he needs while we are out?"

Barb once again "accidentally" brushed her tail firmly up against Kurt's crotch and said "Oh I most certainly can" as she looked back at Kurt, biting her lip.

Twilight went "Thank you. Girls, let's go spread the word, we'll be back soon Kurt!" All of them left the throne room until it was just Barb and Kurt there, alone.

Barb almost instantly turned to face Kurt and said "You know... it won't be just mares who'll be looking to get some fuck action in with you...", she then promptly turned around and bent over with her tail lifted, showing off her round buttocks and waving her ass from side to side as she said "I certainly know that I'm interested...". Kurt was getting rather hot under the collar, not even his ex girlfriend had been this into him back when their relationship was still good and though Barb wasn't exactly human, his hardening dick didn't particularly seem to care. Kurt figured that if his cock didn't think her species mattered, then his brain didn't think it mattered either, when it came to guys it was basically the same thing anyway!

Barb stood back up to gauge Kurt's reaction, Kurt said "Well... seeing as how I just got here I don't know if I want to immediately sink my dick into the first willing pussy I'm presented with..." Barb was briefly disappointed until she heard Kurt say "Though if you're job is to make me comfortable... do you think you could help me relax with your mouth?"

Barb grinned widely and said "Sure thing!" Kurt chuckled as he pulled down his pants and underwear, letting out his stiff erection and sitting on the nearest chair. Barb got on her knees in between Kurt's legs staring at his member lustfully like it was the sexiest thing she had ever seen, given the unfortunate state Equestria was in, it may well have been. Barb rested her hands on Kurt's thighs and took in a deep breath, flooding her nostrils with the strong masculine scent of his junk. Barb shuddered in arousal and couldn't hold herself back anymore, she licked Kurt's length from the base to the tip and without a trace of hesitation took him into her mouth and began her slow descent, sliding his cock as far into her mouth as she could. Kurt groaned as he felt his dick being enveloped by the moist silky walls of Barb's mouth as she gently continued to take more and more inches into her maw, three quarters of the way down and Barb hit her limit. Feeling that she couldn't possibly go any further, she started bobbing her head up and down, humming in contentment as she coiled her tongue around him and sucked intensely, gliding her lips across his skin up to the tip before plunging back down.

Barb loved how he tasted, she couldn't quite describe it, there was no other taste like it, no taste experience in her memory provided a suitable comparison. Kurt on the other hand was grunting in his throat as he placed a hand on Barb's head, nobody had ever given him such an expert blow job, why hadn't he inexplicably ended up in an all female land of magical ponies and dragons sooner? The life he was living before now was total shit compared to the life he was now starting, it paled entirely, though to be fair he may have been biased considering his new life had just started with a curvaceous yet lithe dragon girl sucking him off. Kurt was just reaching his peak when suddenly the throne room doors opened and Twilight walked in saying "Hey Barb, I think I forgot my..."

Twilight went silent as she saw her new human guest balls deep in her number one assistant's mouth, Kurt was panicking, Barb was really calm and as she released Kurt's dick from her mouth she simply said "You forgot what Twilight?"

Twilight frowned in disappointment and said "Barb... you said that you wouldn't have sex with the new male if he ever arrived in our lifetime and yet here you are!"

Barb said "Aw come on Twilight! Can you blame me? He's so so soooo fucking hot, oh and just for the record, he asked me to do it!"

Twilight sighed and said "Well... you started so you might as well finish, though don't go thinking that I'm just gonna stand here and watch or go looking for what I forgot, make room". No way, Twilight was joining in, before Kurt could fully take in what was happening, his dick was back in the warm wet confines of Barb's mouth and as Twilight sat next to Barb, she lit up her horn and began to magically fondle his balls. Kurt groaned even louder, layed back and allowed them to tend to his package, it was unfortunate that he was already so close, he could get used to this kind of treatment, he couldn't imagine a situation where he wouldn't derive some sort of enjoyment or gratification from this.

Kurt grit his teeth and scrunched up his eyes, clenching his fists as he went "Fuck... I'm cumming...", Barb quickly backed off of his cock and kept her mouth open as she jerked him off with both hands, her slippery saliva having adequately slicked him up to make for a pleasurable hand job. Kurt moaned loudly as he started blowing his load all over Barb's face and tongue shortly before he got the shock of his life when, out of nowhere, Twilight rammed herself down on his dick until it was right down her throat, greedily swallowing the last few shots of his fuck fluid before pulling back as soon as he was empty. Barb swallowed her share and, in a rather slutty move, decided to keep the rest of his load on her face.

Twilight stopped fondling his balls, then something dawned on her, something about the unique shape of his cock and the oddly thick consistency of his cum made her realize something. Twilight went "No way... it can't be... but it is... yes! It's the only explanation that makes sense!"

Kurt, after getting his breath back, said "What is it?"

Twilight grinned in excitement and said "Kurt! I know why the portal brought you here!"

Kurt said "You do?"

Twilight went "Yes! It worked perfectly!"

Barb was confused now, "Hang on, I don't follow..."

Twilight launched into a speech about the epiphany she had just had, "The portal was designed to bring a young, fertile and sentient male to us right? Well that's what it did! Of course the portal couldn't bring a pony! All the male ponies had stopped being born! So the portal had to find a male of another species that had sperm that was compatible with our species and Kurt is the one it chose! He's young, virile, intelligent and he can impregnate any and indeed every mare he decides to fuck! Plus, since he is from another world, the effects of Typhon's spell don't apply to him, meaning there is a good chance that some of his offspring will be male! He can save our race! Kurt, if it suits you I would like to appoint you as the royal breeder! Would you have a problem with countless mares coming to you for sex? Please think carefully now, for the male population to truly be rebuilt I can guarantee that this would involve you having to have sex with any daughters you may have at some point, which I know was illegal in your world but here it is perfectly fine and none of your incestuous children will suffer any ill effects... what do you say?"

Well, Kurt was really being put on the spot here, what could he say? He decided to ask a crucial question first "Well... um... would my children be ponies or human/pony hybrids?"

Twilight said "The portal brought you here because you are perfectly compatible, your children would all be normal, fully functioning ponies like me and my friends".

This was a big decision...

Epilogue

Ten years later and Kurt moaned out loud as he came deep inside his twentieth daughter, as Twilight had predicted, he had plenty of sons and they were all perfectly normal ponies, though he also had to have sex with all of his daughters and impregnate them as well, he needed to have as many sons as possible to rebuild the male population which meant having sex with as many mares as possible, so when every mare in Ponyville got pregnant he had to move onto his daughters. He asked Twilight how many sons he would have to produce before he could retire from his job of constantly pumping his spunk inside horny mares, not that he wanted to retire. Twilight said that considering mares became fertile ten years after being born, then the chances were he'd have to fuck not just all the mares in town and his daughters, but also his grand-daughters and maybe even his great grand-daughters before the population could safely continue without his help. Not the worst way to spend the next twenty years of his life.

He did consider it rather unfortunate that he could only impregnate ponies, because in a weird twist of fate he had actually gotten into a relationship and fallen in love with Barb the dragon, but Twilight reminded him that Cadence, the princess of love, could make sure Barb beared a child if he was truly in love with her and he wouldn't even need to fuck her. After discussing it with Barb, they both decided that they did indeed want a child that they could raise together, though as expected the child would be a regular dragon rather than a dragon/human hybrid. It was on Kurt's fiftieth birthday, after decades of impregnating mare after mare, daughter after daughter, grand-daughter after grand-daughter, great grand-daughter after great grand-daughter that Twilight confirmed that he had fathered enough sons that would be able to sustain and continue the pony population. Kurt was glad that he had saved their race, so much so that he kept his job as breeder for another ten years before finally retiring to live out the rest of his days with his wife Barb and the twin dragon boys she had given birth to.

The End

Author's Note

Thank you Undead Man for this story idea! I hope you enjoyed it! :)