Clockwock Chaos

by Clemerl

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Other, Adventure, Pinkie Pie, Crossover, Random, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human, Main 6, Original Character
Length: 18120

Word to the wise, if an creapy old man that smells of chocolate asks you to save his home, say no.

Discord is at it again, only this time he's brought an small army to the fold. The only problem is that they betrayed him and left him in his stone prison to cause more chaos then Equestria or the main six can handle. Now, to keep his home land from being destroyed, with what little power he has left he has summoned a warrior to fight for Chaotic Good, while granting onto him an unbreakable shield and a powerful weapon to fight. There's just one problem. His so called warrior is only 12 inches tall!

*Credit for the cover gos to http://kingdom-dragonheart.deviantart.com/ thanks you two!

In need of a beta reader, and an editor.

Published 2012-09-12 12:04:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-04 07:02:14 UTC

Prologue

Clockwork Chaos

Let's see now, Once upon a time...That's usually how these things start right? No matter.

There was a wise, handsom, great and powerful spirit of Chaos; not that he'd ever brag about it, by the name of Discord who once ruled over a great land known as Equestria. A land of which, was primarily home of the ponies. Everyday he would go out of his way and spread his glorious chaos, pulling harmless jokes and hilarious pranks on the many creatures of his realm. Oh what a beautiful time it was. Unfortunately however, some-ponies apparently couldn't take a few jokes.

Did you know that, when harnessed correctly, this flimsy thing called 'friendship', and I'm not kidding here, can in fact be turned into a powerful rainbow like beam that can bring about a near unholy level of, ugh, harmony to the land? No? Well nether did I until these two alicorns, (that is Pegasus-unicorn hybrids for the sake of argument) who just happened to be sisters, found and somehow used the ancient artifacts known as the 'Elements of Harmony' (where the found them only Faust knows)on the poor Chaos lord to incapacitate and transform him into stone! For that matter, it was while he in the middle of a song number too!

Talk about rude! Humph! But of course, everyone has to be a critic these days. Granted, I honestly don't think they even really knew what they were doing, let alone what thous elements would do to him. But the fact remands!

To make matters much worst, they not only whisked away all the hard made chaos I- I mean HE made, but they also started trying to organize the world's natural made chaos as well. The Princesses,(and I still want to know how they managed to convince the ponies of that. Then again they can be rather dim at times) for all their supposed Wisdom, were quite xenophobic. Everything just had to be perfect and in control with them! If one little thing went even slightly wrong, all hell would break loose with them. Frankly, what was really unnatural was their control. They even managed to bring the natural order to a screeching halt for Faust sake! From the weather to the planet's bloody orbit!

Now I'm going to be honest here, it wasn't that he hated friendship, or harmony, or even the princesses for that matter. No, what he hated was how stiff, orderly, and ridged they were. How…completely boring they were. I mean after all, there should always be a minimal amount of chaos in the world somewhere. Otherwise, disastrous things might happen.

Now if only he could find a few ponies who would listen, he might have gotten somewhere.

Roughly a thousand years later, when he manged to break free of his rocky prison, he thought he could get a second chance. A chance to show them that chaos could be fun. But alas, it wasn't meant to be. The very instant he broke free, Celestia, the eldest of the princesses immediately jumped into action, putting the current Elements of Harmony against him. Typical isn't it.

It seemed simple enough at first. Divide and Conquer. Or rather, divide them and conquer! After all, the Elements only functioned when their bearers were in perfect synchronization with each other. It didn't take much really. A little white lie here and there, a bit of magic to give a bit of a better impact, and a little exploiting of their overactive imaginations, and then ,boom. No more Elements. Simple enough right? However, to his greatest shame, he underestimated them, and their bonds of friendship. The moment he thought for sure he'd won, they'd gotten back together, used their Elements, and, once again, he was imprisoned. Only it was worst because he didn't even get a chance to pose!

But this time, he had an few aces up his nonexistent sleeve.

You see, some time during his last 'stoned' form, he decided to see if he could spread his influence, if at all, to help keep the balance of the world, only to find himself bodiless. You see, regardless of the fact that his body was imprisoned, his spirit, apparently, was not. With just a little effort on his part, he was perfectly capable of leaving his stoney prison, and venture the world at will. The only problem was that he couldn't interact with anything much, unless it was ether dead (in which case, they tended to bore him till he was in a near similar state)inanimate, (equally boring I assure you) or in a deep slumber. And even then not by much. It was because of this, however, that he had an escape. For you see, just like he was not limited to a single plane of existence, neither was his spirit.

He had seen so much the first time alone. Millions of Universes. Billions of Planets. Trillions of Civilizations.

And oh so much Chaos!

But none were more so than those dominated by the Human race.

They were rather amusing at times. The humans called themselves Homo sapiens. Otherwise known as Man Wise. Oh how very far from the truth that really was. Now don't get me wrong here, they were intelligent. That much was true. The things they were able to do with their science and technology, the ponies of Equestria were still not able to replicate, even with magic, if at all. They had knowledge in spades, that much is for sure, but wisdom? It near eluded them completely.

Wars, violence, nuclear bombs, terrorists, theft, all this and MUCH more! It was as if they only knew how to care for themselves while damning anything that got in the way. Of course there were a few exceptions, as there always is. But they where so far and few it hardly mattered. After all, to them, money makes the world go round.

They were so greedy, so selfish, so lazy, so lustful, so vengeful, so corrupt, and oh so very...chaotic!

Honestly, it was just too perfect.

Never trust a man with chocolate

"...Come again?"

Okay I'm going to stop right here and ask you something. Now, feel free to stop me if this sounds familiar. You're minding your own business, walking to your table in a fast food joint, with a takeout bag in one hand, and a burger that has a few marks from your previous bites in the other. Okay? Now, picture a strange old man in a tannish-grey tracksuit, with golden stripes running up the sides. Now imagine him also wearing a raggedy grey top hat with the joker card strapped to it on his head, while he holds what appears to be a cup of chocolate milk in his right hand upon which he wore a red leather glove and a yellow rubber glove worn on his left. Now then, pretend that he calls you over and asks you, and I quote, "How would you like to take a visit to the magical land of Equestria?"

Sound somewhat similar to something? Maybe you’ve seen it in almost every one of the stories with a "wake up in the Everfree" shtick? Yeah, I thought so. Well, that is what I'm going through right now, believe it or not.

Now, a normal person's first thought would be 'ignore him and keep walking.' some might even add, 'He's probably a drug dealer or something.' But not me, I thought of one thing, though not what I would usually think, which would have been ether, 'Be polite, and introduce yourself' or 'unconsciously insult him then see what happens after that.' No, instead I thought, 'Who the world is this guy, and why does he seem familiar?' Granted, I've never been the best with names, but faces....Eh.

I stood three feet away from him ready to my ‘fight or flight’ instinct if he made any weird moves. Though all things considered I was ready to bolt even if he didn't. He brought his right hand up and took his top hat off with slightly less-then-graceful bow, somehow without spilling a drop from the cup still in said hand. And as he straightened himself out I get a good look at his face. And boy, what a face!

His eyes seemed to be mismatched, as if they were different sizes, his cheeks were slightly sucked in, and when he gave me a toothy grin, which quite frankly looked absolutely demented, I couldn't help but note that one of his canines was much larger than the other, as well as being a bit yellowed. To complete his ridiculous appearance, he had a scraggly white fu-manchu going on that makes pubic hair look like silk. But his eyes. It felt like they told me so much, yet, nothing at the same time. I know I've seen those eyes somewhere before, but I just can't seem to remember where.

"It's exactly as I said," the strangely dressed man replied, "I want to know if you would like me to send you to Equestria. You know; the land of the Ponies."

Okay so at this point I have two ideas at who he is. One: He's a crazy man that might have to be on medication who 'forgot' to take them, or two: He is a drug dealer with one of the crappiest selling phrases I've ever heard. My response?

"That's what I thought you said." What? Did you expect something witty? You want wit, go talk to Spiderman.

It's not that I didn't want to go there, hell, almost any Brony I know would jump in front of a train if they thought it would send them there. In fact I met one that did just that. I wonder if he ever got out of that coma. It's just that, this guy, something seemed really off about him, but I just couldn't put my finger on it.

"Now I know just what you're thinking lad, 'This guy is must be completely nuts!' right?" He says giving me a knowing look that honestly looks down right creepy on him. "Well how about this. I will personally send you to the one, the only, EQUESTRIA! I'll even toss in some powers if you'd like, free of charge of course." That settles it. Whatever he's on, I want some.

"But don't worry, there will be no drugs, needles, or alcohol required. In fact, there won't be barely any physical contact of any kind." Strike that last remark. I wouldn't have taken it anyway. Seeing as they pretty much killed a pretty good amount of people and all; that and my oath on my grandfather's grave, never to even try them.

He looked straight at me with the kind of determination that, I think, could make you want to say, 'Shut up and send me to Ponyville!' And you know what, I was really close to saying 'fuck it' and just going along with it, but something’s bothered me.

"There are a few things I've got to know first." His grin didn't falter in the slightest, hell if anything it got bigger, He didn't say anything though, just waved his empty hand in the universal meaning for me to continue.

Deciding to humor him a bit I asked him straight up "All right, let's say you could do this." I said, "Let's say, hypothetically, that you can actually send me straight to Equestria. Why? Why would you do this?"

He scratched his beard, stroking it like it was a hanging piece of fruit, and countered with a simple, “Why not?"

...He got me there. Thinking quickly I took a quick bite out of my burger, both to give me some time to think and because I was still hungry, I used the time chewing to find a reason to say no. I couldn't, not really. I'll be honest, I had no job, no money, and the only friends I had were acquaintances at best and would be easily able to forget or replace me in their groups and lives. Just before these depressing thoughts could escalate any further, he spoke up again.

"Couldn't think of one good reason why I shouldn't, after all, it's not like you have much going for you here. So why not mix things up a little, my friend! Why not be an adorable animated equine for a while! Maybe even show up as a human still. Possibly even a... Oh, I don't know... a dragon perhaps. Throw a little..." he waved his hand around as he searched for a word. "Throw a little chaos into the mix."

What was he, some kind of mind reader? I glared at him, ready to get up and get the hell out of dodge, but his words stopped me.

'Why shouldn't I take him up on his offer' I thought to myself. It wasn't like I really had anything to lose, and who knows. Hell if what he said was true, I might have a chance for a better life there then I ever did here.

Finally, no longer able to stand the taste, I swallowed the sandwich chunk and asked, "What's the catch?"

"Catch?" he asked, putting his hand to his chest as if the very word hurt him. "There's no catch. All I want is to help a poor soul find some happiness in the world." Right, As if! If it wasn't for that stupid grin, and the fact that every word practically oozed sarcasm, I might have bought it. Instead I gave him the most deadpan look I could. Seeing that I wasn't falling for it, he huffed a bit.

"I swear you people can be so frustrating sometimes," He grumped. Honestly he somehow looked even creepier that way. Never the less, I couldn't help the grin that showed on my face as I gave out an, "I try."

Against my better judgment, and the fact that Grumpy Pants was starting to freak me out with his pouting, I decided to humor the old man a bit longer. 'How'd I do this?' you ask. Well, I simply did the first thing that came to mind. Be sarcastic.

"So you can really send me to Equestria?" I said, "And you can give me any form or powers I ask?" I was really hamming it up, and I might have laid on the sarcasm a bit much, but it did to bring back the grin on his face.

"But of course, my friend. All you need to do is ask." On second thought, grumpy looks better on him. This grin he had now made the first one 'Fluttershy' cute by comparison. But still I pressed on.

"Well, how 'bout a weapon with infinite ammo?" I asked him. What can I say; if you’re reading this you know what all I’ll be up against.

"Ha! To easy." He chuckled. Seeing that request didn’t deter him, I continued.

"What about a shield that can't be broken?" I inquired. After all, guns only go so far. Infinite ammo be damned.

"Why not go further with an indestructible, mobile barrier? I'll even make it so only you can open it." He one upped me flawlessly.

"The ability to sneak around undetected whenever I want?" Assassins Creed got their talons in me; okay?

"They'll never see you coming."

I admit, I was both impressed and a little freaked out. But I still had one ace up my sleeve.

"What about hunger? I've lived on a high protein diet for most of my life and I doubt the ponies would take too kindly if I started making deer jerky." There, that should shut him up....Why was he laughing? No, not laughing. It was more he was cackling, like a witch boiling a foul brew.

"Lad, if that's all your worried about I'll simply make it so that your form makes its own renewing energy. Faust, if that's all you’re going to ask for, I might as well just give you the power to bring inanimate objects to life size and let you possess them, just for kicks!" He started his cackling back up, nearly falling out of his seat in the process, yet somehow still never spilling his cup. And you have no idea how much I wanted to kick his chair over.

I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose in a vain attempt to both stop the urge, and the oncoming headache. The former it barely worked on; the latter? Not so much.

"You know what? Fine, if you can do all that, then why not? Have your fun. Send me to Equestria. I don't even care how you do it. I honestly don't know what you get out of this, and frankly, I'm not sure I want to. Deal?" I said and after putting the bag down, I raised my hand for him across the table.

I would later regret ever saying those words.

"Deal." He smirked. His wizened old hand snaked out and shook mine firmly. There was a weird feeling of heat coming from his hands, but before I could ask, the old coot let go and jumped up to his feet.

"Let's go!" he called out in joy, "We're wasting daylight!" And in a surprising feat for someone his age, he jumped over the table next to me and was out the door in two seconds flat.

Chasing after him was rather easy, surprisingly. After all that, he stopped right next to the street, ignoring the traffic whizzing by. I couldn't help myself; I had to ask, "What, are we going to call a cab?" I really didn't like the look he gave me.

"Oh no, not we, you. You’re going to be stepping into a new adventure and after all, everyone knows that..." he cut himself off. Then he turned to me, placing his hand on my shoulder. His grin was practically aglow as he brought the glass of chocolate milk to his lips before he, and I'm not kidding here, somehow drank the glass leaving the milk behind. "...the first step is always the most painful," he finished before chucking the dairy product over his shoulder, where it, and I swear to god this is true, exploded. I barely had time to process the motion however, before his running sneaker collided with my back, his foot lit up with this weird light, sending me forwards with a cry of "Sayonara!"

And straight into oncoming traffic.

Of Toy Solders, Wind-up Keys, and New Beginings

Ah, pain. A feeling that I've become more than accustom to in my ten years of self-defense training. It’s an age old frienemy for most people, who have followed them throughout their lives; whether or not they wanted it. Right now, however, I seem to have gotten on his bad side, as my whole body felt like I just took a whole ton of bricks to the head, while standing inside of a wind tunnel that had been on fire, and when it was all over someone patched me up with some string, nails, and a roll or two of duct tape. Needless to say, it wasn't a pleasant experience. But seeing as I was kicked in front of a freaking TRUCK I consider myself lucky to even feel that much!

"I'll kill him." I growled out through clenched teeth, the fact that I had them all I consider another lucky break. "I swear to whatever holy powers exist here that if nothing else, I will find him and he. Will. PAY! Argh... Right after my headache dies down." Yep, that is me, if you were wondering. Now normally I'm a pretty nice guy, fairly easy to get along with, and pretty forgiving with most people. But just like the fact that no-pony breaks a Pinkie promise and gets away with it, nobody that crosses me that badly can get away for long either. And believe me, an attempt at murder is worth No mercy what so ever!!!

But for right now, revenge would have to wait.

Despite the agony it caused my head, I quickly developed a mental list to help me determine my situation, which consisted of as follows.

1.) Take an inventory of myself.

2.) Find out if I'm actually in Equestria.

3.) Find out WHERE in Equestria I am.

4.) Find that damn old man, and if he is here, kick him in front of a train. Let’s see how HE likes getting run over!

5.) Find out if they have pain killers that won't leave me bed ridden from overdose, because if this becomes a common thing. I'll need 'um. Badly

6.)....

7.) Party hard.

8.) Take over the world. (Maybe)

I can be an ambitious bastard sometimes, can't I?

Moving on, I could tell right away that something’s were definitely different. For starters, I was laying on my right side on some kind of cool glass, despite the obvious fact that I should be feeling hard rough concrete. However, no matter how I turned, minimal that it was, I couldn't get on my back. It was as if something was blocking me. I also tried to open my eyes, but with no luck. No matter. I'll just get back to it later. Right now I had to continue with phase one.

I decided to try my hands next, attempting to flex them, from thumb to pinkie. For the most part I was successful up to the ring finger, albeit, they were a bit stiff. The pinkies on the other hand, pun not intended, didn't respond at all. It was like they weren't even there, which is a crying shame. They were my third favorite fingers, right behind the thumb and the middle finger, otherwise known as the 'bird'.

But still, it WAS a good sign! I could now officially say that I am not a pony! Ponies don't have fingers after all, even though they seem to somehow get by just fine with their mouths and hooves. It took a bit longer then I had thought it would, but I did manage to bring my hands into fists. Good. Now I could beat the false teeth out of that old guy next time I see him. With my control and dexterity slowly returned I decided it was time to move up.

With the pain finally dying down, I went for my arms next. I was able to move my shoulders a bit, again, really stiff, but nothing ground breaking really. I switched back to my hands again, rolling my wrists around instead, and working my forearms a bid.

Huh, that's strange. My wrist seemed to be moving independent of the rest of my arm. I mean I may have been double jointed before, but this just felt ridiculous. It was like it was barely even attached anymore! My elbows didn't feel any better ether. When I went to bring them up to try and pull my eyes open, my left arm twisted around and pulled a full 360 degrees twist, before pimp slapping me in the face! Talk about adding insult to injury.

It took some more wiggling around of my upper appendages, but I eventually restored enough of my mobility to lift my arms up and about. The first thing I encountered was immediately grasped, and boy did it feel strange. From what I could feel, it was long, fairly thin, and completely smooth, thickening in an almost horn shape near one end. While the other side slowly gave way to smooth wood about a third of the way down, then going roughly forty-five degrees down, before widening until it reached the base. Moving about to the point of the bend, I noted that there was a curved bit on the top, while on the other side, was another curved bit, but this one was smaller and inside of a half ring that ran from one part of the bend to the other....Wait a minute.

Deciding I had had enough of this guessing game, with as much will power as I could find, I forced my eyes open, and dear lord was I in for a surprise. Everything, and I do mean everything, looked like it was straight out of a cartoon, I kid you not. I even had a freaking outline, for Christ's sake! The colors were so much more solid than before, and there was a lot less detail to be seen. It was rather aesthetically appealing in a way, and I found that I enjoyed the new perspective immensely. Okay, scratch number two off, I am now without a doubt in Equestria. Though, for some reason everything had a very slight bluish tint to it.

Ignoring that I cast my eyes over to what I held in my hands and what I saw shocked me to the core. A Blunderbuss. It was an honest to god, 18th century, Indian blunderbuss-rifle, completely pristine, as if it was brand new off the rack. You see, next to the double-barrel shotgun, it was one of my all-time favorite antique weapons in the world. It wasn't for their power, firing rate or anything like that. No, there was just something about it that drew me in whenever I saw one.

However, this wasn't what shocked me. You see it looked like someone had had corked it. Literally; a large cork, roughly the size of my head, was lodged deep in the nozzle of the gun. Also, a long red rope ran though the blockade, leading back to the gun where someone had welded a ring to the bottom of the barrel. It was almost like a...an oversize toy! What a jip. Well, so much for having a way to defend myself. Then again being in a place that's greatest known long range weapon were pies, it was probably for the best.

Yet, no matter how shocking this all was, it was my hands that got me a slack jaw and a pair of dinner plate 'sized' eyes. They looked...For lack of better term, fake. Oh the fingers were fine, though as my earlier observations proved, I didn't have any pinkies to speak of; but the rest of my hand was blue and ended with a ball joint instead of a wrist. My arms were no better, seeing as they had a similar joint at the elbows, and were also blue up to the hands where it had yellow-gold cuffs that jutted out in the back, just covering the backs my wrist, and I also had similar colored shoulder guards. Now, this would explain some things.

A quick glance down showed that this wasn't the last of my problems. My body was the same blue shade as my arms, and looked kind of like a uniform for the British guards everyone likes to dick around with when they go to London. Believe it or not my sister even got one of them to hide a laugh once, true story. My legs weren't any improvement ether; blue down to the knee joint, the rest of my legs looked like a pair of boots, stripes of yellow-gold lining the top at the knee and bottom at the soles. That would explain why I couldn't feel my toes.

I didn't have any toes! I think I need a hug.

Shaking that movie reference from my head, I tried to stand. The key word here was tried. I failed epically. It was like I some jerk put far too much wax on the floor, and then put me in the middle of it. Ironically, that's what I accidentally did to someone when I tried to help my mother clean the school cafeteria during the point she was a temporary janitor.... What? It was one time, and I was like, nine!

After another session of "get-to-know-you" with my new body, I found out why I was making such a wonderful impression of a rag doll on the stairs. You ever see one of those inflatable giant balls that people climb in, before running around like hamsters? Well, with the exception of an exit, and the fact it was a light shade of blue, that's what I was basically in. Kind of like if Trixie suddenly learned how to make a bubble shield, only without the magic sparkles.

It took me a while but using my awesome balancing skills, more than a few choice words, and the stock of the toy gun being used as a cane, I managed to right myself, like a boss. It wasn't hard after that to decide that I would need to see how number three of the list was doing; only to figure out that I had no idea. I appeared to be just under a large tree next to a small pond, though the fact that I hadn't noticed this earlier really made me want to introduce my new hand to my equally new face. I could even see a few more trees, lots of grass, and more importantly, a path heading towards a town roughly a few miles in the distance.

But as much as I wanted to jump up and run straight to the first signs of Civilization, first things first. I had to see for myself just what the hell he turned me into. After all, wouldn't want to walk into town and not know if I looked like a monster.

With all of the grace of a three-legged dog in a dance hall covered in banana peels and olive oil, I managed to roll the glass-like bubble over to the edge of the pond and cast my gaze upon it to view myself in its reflective waters. I think my heart stopped for a few seconds.

There, in the water looking me in the eyes wasn't a man; well it was, but a lot smaller, probably made of wood or some kind of metal, oh, and it had a blue button for a nose! Adding to my previous, notes on my new form, sitting atop a stock of chocolate-blond hair, I had a blue conductor hat like the ones you would find in a marching band, with a shiny black rim on the front. A matching button sat on the yellow-gold band that wrapped around the tall hat, holding a large, poofy, bright red feather in place. My eyes were pretty large and were a nice shade of, you probably guessed it, blue; in a much lighter shade, yes, but still blue.

Did I mention blue is my favorite color? No? Well now you know.

Moving on, my face was perfectly round, and thankfully was also a light peach/sand color, but my jaw however, made me cringe, seeing as it looked like it belonged on a nutcracker's face.... Yeah. Least I didn't have a damn beard. I had enough trouble with the one I had as a human, and I didn't need one nor did I want one now. The worst part however came from my back, and why I couldn't lay down on it. A rather large, silver wind-up key stuck out of my back where the bottom of my ribs would be. Yeah, I really don't know how I missed that.

I was real mad now. It felt like I just got trolled; big time. I now believe without a doubt that the old man was Discord in human form; though honestly, the fact that he sounded like John de Lancey should have tipped me off. I mean really!?

You wanted a weapon with infinite ammo? Well when the only shot it has is on a string it's kind of hard to run out.

You say you need an indestructible, mobile barrier? Yeah, look out, here comes bubble boy!

The ability to sneak around undetected whenever I want? Not all that hard when you're only a foot tall!

And you want a form with a renewable energy source? Yeah, just twist the big plucking key in your back, and you'll never need to, sleep, use the restroom, or eat food such as meat... ever... again.

... Wait.

It took me a moment, but I managed to swing one of my arms over behind me, take a hold of one of the 'wings', and gave it a good, hard, turn. At first I only a felt a bit of a jolt, but I couldn't tell of what kind, so I gave it another turn. His time it felt like a small burst, but I was still having trouble identifying it. Turn, it's on the tip of my tongue. Turn, I almost got it. One last turn... Oh wait, I know what it was. Energy! Doy! Don't I feel stupid?

Interesting to note, after my turn-fest, I seemed to have suddenly become a gymnast acrobat, because suddenly I went from barely able to stand, to 'couldn't fall down if I tried' in ten seconds flat. How did that happen? My guess, I was tired, five twists later, now I'm not. Normally I'd probably sit down and try to figure this out, but for right now I just didn't care.

So okay, the wind-up key was a pretty good idea. But three out of four of them were still pretty bad!

It took me a moment to calm myself, but eventually I cast a glance at the town again and one thought came to mind, 'If that is what I hope it is, then with any luck, number seven will be starting early!!!' With my course in mind and that happy thought in my wooden (metal?) head, I raced to town like the Timberwolfs were after me; But with my size? This was going to take a while. Oh well; feet don't fail me now!

A Gift of Honor, and Messing with Heads

....Okay. I did not see that coming. I'm going to be perfectly clear here. I'm currently inside of a box. A box that is filled with pieces of paper, cuts of cloth, and lines of linen. A box that is most likely wrapped in some form of pretty pink paper, tied shut with some ruby red ribbon, and possibly topped with a big bountiful bow. A box that was currently on the back of a some obnoxiously loud filly. A filly that was carrying the wrapped box along side her two equally loud friends, who were going to a surprise birthday party.

Now I know your probably thinking, 'How the hell did that happen? You were just heading towards town last time. What gives?' Well, it turns out that I underestimated how far away I was by, well, a lot! Had I been regular sized, it would have originally been a twenty minute walk or a ten minute run. This, however, was turned into a three hour hike because of my toy form. It didn't help that I had to stop every ten to twenty minutes to rewind myself. The only upside was that I learned that, unlike regular wind-up toys that conked out in a few seconds, I could last several minutes before I even had to think about it.

Anyway, just as I was about within proper viewing distance, I heard a rather strange buzzing. It was kind of like a fusion between the little hand fans everyone gets in the summertime, and a really annoying bug that hangs around your ear that never leaves till you swat it; and it was getting louder.

"What in the wo-" I started to say before a rather high pitch, "LOOK OUT 'FUR THA-" was interrupted when it collided with me, a loud *CRASH* echoing out. Next thing I knew, I was upside-down under a small pile of white, orange, and cream yellow, familiarly furred fillies. Letting out a groan of annoyance and a little pain, I stood up, grabbing the toy gun as I did so, pat myself down to remove some imaginary dust, and looked at the carnage done to my bubble.

Of which, I surprisingly couldn't find any. Okay, I've got to give credit where it's due, this is an amazingly sturdy bubble. What I mean is; it took a headlong hit from the 'Crashing Crusaders' without a single scratch in return; and speaking of whom.

"Ohhh," I heard the little orange Pegasus filly with the pinkish-purple hair, A.K.A. Scootaloo, painfully moan out, "What happened?"

'You ran me over' I thought, practically beside myself with anger. This was the second time I got run over today, and I could only hope this wouldn't become a common thing, or else things were going to get ugly, fast.

"I think we hit something." The white unicorn with a curly, pink and light-purple mane and tail, named Sweetie Belle said; and it took a surprising amount of self-restraint to prevent myself for shouting out loud, YOU DON'T SAY.

"'Ah tried ta' warn 'ya" The creamy colored Apple family member with the red mane, tied in a pony-tail with her reddish-pink bow, who went by the name Bloom, reminded them with her southern accent heavily laced though near every word. Meh, I've heard far worst accents. I just can’t think of one right now.

"What we hit anyway?" Scoots asked, and as they started untangling themselves, the strangest thing happened. I froze, or rather I jumped into attention stance, toy gun's stock in hand, barrel against my shoulder, and became immobile. It was like those 'Toy Story' guys. The moment they thought a human would see them; they went inanimate; only with ponies. I never did figure out why they did that, whether it was something they were taught, something instinctual, or just something they did because they wanted to. Hell, I still don't, and I’m actively doing it.

"Oh my stars look at this!" Honestly Apple Bloom? Who uses that anymore?

"What is it?" Well Scoots, I say it's the first sign of Armageddon, with a gun. What do you think?

"'Ah don' know, but lookit', it’s got one of dem wind-up keys." You don't say!

"But why is it in a bubble?" Do you really want to know Sweetie? I'd gladly trade it for your horn if you'd like.

"Hey if I know, all I know is it looks weird." Well your no prize yourself, you orange jerk. God, what I would give...

"Do ya think we could use it?"...Wait. What?

"I don't know, do you think she'll even like it?" She? She who? Come on, spill. It’s not like I’ve got anything better to do right now.

"Oh come on! It's the first good thing we've found all day, and besides, It's Pinkie Pie we're talking about here." What's....Oh no. Ooh no no no, you are not thinking what I think your thinking! Are you?

"Ah'm with Scoots on this 'un. I mean the only other thing we've got were 'dem funny shaped rocks. An' I don't think she'd be non' to happy 'bout getting a buncha rocks as a present"....Apparently they were, because within a moment, the 'funny shaped rocks' were dumped on the ground, I was put in the box, and with a unbearably loud, and almost ear shattering cry of, I kid you not, "CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS GIFT GIVERS, YAY!" they were off. So there you go. We're back were we started.

To be honest it wasn't that bad. I'm getting a free ride to a party, granted I can't see anything, and I won't be able to join in on the fun until the birthday girl breaks me out. But that's fine. After all, I can use this time to rest and plan on how I'm going to mess with them. This is going to be fun.

I stand corrected. I haven't been this bored since that one time the lightning took out the power in my house for twelve hours. I've been here for about an hour now, half of it waiting for them to shout 'SURPRISE', the other half waiting for them to stop dancing, and I know they're dancing from the terrible racket their hooves made that was just barely drowned out by the music.

You remember that unbearable feeling you got when you were a kid on (insert holiday with presents here) just begging time to move faster so that you could open your gifts, play with them for a few hours, then forget about them before the day was done? That's how I felt right now. Kind of ironic, isn't it?

I don't care that it was dub-step, I shouldn't have to wait for Pinkie to calm down. It's like waiting for Flim and Flam to figure out that they still won despite getting run out of town. Or Gilda coming back and begging for forgiveness. Or Discord showing up and apologizing for the chaos he caused. It's darn near impossiblu.

Finally, the music died down, and the ever so hyper pony was tearing open gift after gift, cries of oohs and ahhs coming from the party goers with every opened present. Or at least, that's what I think their doing. It's kinda hard to tell in here, what with with all this stuff in the way.

When she finally ripped up the box I was in, I snapped into attention, ready for almost anything. As they say, 'Expect the unexpected.' After all, this is Pinkie we're talking about here. Good thing I did to, because next thing I know I'm face to face with the bubblegum-pink pony with the brilliant raspberry poof for a mane and tail, herself.

"Oh my GOSH! It's so amazing! Do you think it's amazing? I think it's amazing! Oh wow. I've never seen anything like it. Thank you sooo much." If nothing else, Pinkie really knows how to boost an ego. Now if only she would get her muzzle off the glass...

"What is it?" Well that boost was short lived.

"I don't know Dashie, but it's still pretty amazing." Well, thanks Pinkie; I think.

I looked around as best as I could, to see who all was here, and I was rather surprised at how few there were in the Apple's family barn. In fact, I could find the main cast from the show pretty easily. The sky-blue mare with the rainbow mane by the name of Rainbow Dash was staring at me and was honestly a bit too close for comfort. The white unicorn with the royal purple curled hair named Rarity was touching up her light-blue eye shadow, while the primarily purple with green spines and a light-green underbelly, young male dragon that went by Spike, held her mirror for her with the most stupid lovestruck expression on his face I have ever seen, and I've seen some pretty stupid ones; like Johny Bravo. A buttercup-yellow Pegasus with long light-rose-pink hair was a few feet away from them with a pure-white rabbit, who was holding a carrot like a cigar, on her back, with the names Fluttershy and Angel respectively. Not to far from them Applejack, an orange earth-pony mare wearing a brown stetson with both her blond mane and tail tied into (ironically enough) pony-tails, stood next to the grin sporting, CMC themselves. Finally, Twilight Sparkle, the light-purple unicorn with moderate violet and brilliant rose streaked mane was looking at me with this weird gleam in her eyes, like she wanted to pull me apart to see how I tick. I really hope I'm just imagining that last bit.

"Oh Twilight, Rarity, could one of wind it up for me? Huh, huh, could you? Please!" I swear, if I was still human that sweet, hopeful look would have given me diabetes.

"Well of course darling, but why not simply do it yourself?" Rarity asked in her very sophisticated tone of voice. In a split-second Pinkie's hopeful look dropped into one of the most dead-pan expressions I have ever seen. I myself barley resisted the urge to face-palm.

"Um, because the glass is kind-of in the way. I mean, come on. I can't stick my hoof though glass and turn it myself. If I could, I wouldn't even need to ask." a thoughtful look appeared on her face, "Oh! Say, if I could do that, I could probably be able to do it with other things. Like, maybe I could reach into the Cake's super duper ultra secret cookie jar, without setting it off. Of course, I wouldn't just turn the cookies. That would just be silly." Somebody stop her, please. I think she forgot to breath again, because she's turning a brilliant shade of blue. Wait, what cookie jar? I don't remember there being a cookie jar.

"Well, alright I guess." You know how I said the shield was 'unbreakable earlier? Well I still think it is. The problem? Well, it turns out that 'unbreakable' doesn't mean 'impenetrable' be any means. I know this because, when Twilight went to turn my unwanted wind-up key, the bubble only held her magic off for all of two seconds before slipping though. What a rip off.

Regardless of the ineffectiveness of my shelter, I ended up getting wound-up. Tight. Honestly Twilight, when the key starts clicking, it does NOT mean 'keep winding like there's no tomorrow'. God, now I know how those dime-store wind-up toys feel when a ignorant kid gets a hold on them.

When she finally put me down, I knew I couldn't show off to much, so I did the smart thing and went with the basics. I marched around a bit, did some rifle drills, and for a laugh I pointed the corked barrel at Rainbow Dash once. Honestly I just couldn't resist, and her reaction was priceless. Pinkie sure thought so, she almost fell over giggling. Only Dash's minor glare stopped her.

"That was so funny! Wasn't it girls?" the pink party lover asked with her mile-wide grin.

"Whatever." Dash grumped. Seems she didn't like my joke much. At least I didn't fire at her. Seeing as I got it from the master of chaos himself, who knows what might have happend.

It seemed that I was the last present, because soon after I was put back down on the table and with a shout of, "Lets boogie some more!" from Pinkie I was left alone with the gifts. There wasn't that much; a book titled, '1001Party Games, ages three to 103' that was obviously from Twilight, a coupon for one 'Free custom dress of your choosing' from Rarity, a few water lilies that had a couple of bites in them that I think were from Fluttershy(the flowers, not the bites), a small ballon shaped sapphire that was probably from Spike, an apple-pie that was three slices short of a whole pie and had some ribbon on it, Applejack of course, my box, and finally a rather large box that I couldn't see in. But since there was some joke-glasses hanging off one side, I think it was filled with gags for pranks. In which case, it means Dash gave it to her.

Looking back at the party goers, I noticed Twilight glancing at me every once in a while. After a quick look to make sure no one else was watching, I decided to treat her to a little dance number. Ya got to love the "buck and wing" dance. Pun not intended.

You should see her face right now. Her eyes had grown three times their normal size, and looked like they were ready to pop out of her skull, and her iris, in true cartoon response, shrank to pinpricks. Her jaw even dropped so far that I thought it was dislocated, which I can say from experience is incredibly painful. But it was still funny to look at.

"Did you see that!?" She half asked, half panicky jumped Pinkie.

"See what?" The moment she went to turn towards me, I snapped back into my attention stance.

"The wind-up toy, it-it's, just standing there?" Twilight rubbed her eyes in disbelief, before stuttering out, "But it was- I just- it-" I think I broke her. Whoops.

"Um, Twilight?" Pinkie asked, "You didn't happen to have any of the punch did you?" She really looked worried, of course so I would to if my friend start talking like a loon.

"No!" the purple librarian denied, before something the pink mare said seemed to kick in, "Wait. What's wrong with the punch?" That's what I want to know.

"Oh nothing. I just wanted to be sure no-one spiked it like my last party." Pinkie said, waving her hoof in what I assume was a dismissive gesture. Kinda hard to tell. Wait, someone spiked the punch at her last party? And I wasn't there to make fun- I mean, stop them from doing something stupid? Dang.

The unicorn mare shook it off before turning away, mentioning something about needing some sleep. And so the party continued. But when I saw Twilight looking at me again 'bout five minutes latter, I couldn't myself. I just had to pull one last prank on her. I don't care that I didn't really sing at all. Her trying, and failing to put me off as a figment of her imagination gone wild was more then worth it.

It took about an hour but eventually the party started to wind down and everyone, pony or otherwise, really enjoyed themselves. Well, everyone but Twilight. Throughout the rest of the party, she was constantly trying to get the others to catch me in the act, only to fail every time. It was downright hilarious sometimes. One time I caught her talking to Spike and whenever she tried to get him to turn around to look at my killer dance moves, I would stop, leaving her flustered and annoyed. She even went so far as to examine me with her magic, with Pinkie's "Okey-dokey-lokey!" of course, to see if I was being magically manipulated. Her test came up negative, so she tried to put it off as stress and a lack of sleep from over studying, again.

I know it wasn't really fair. I mean, I grew up with the 'Looney Tunes,' so I knew almost every trick in the book. Twilight on the other hand, only ever really dealt with Pinkie Pie, who, while extremely random and prone to harmless pranks, wasn't on the level of 'complete troll' that they were. No that title belongs to Discord, and maybe Celestia. Though I knew I was going to have to make it up to her sooner or later.

Regardless, Pinkie enjoyed herself, and since it was her party, that's all that really mattered. When everything was all clean, and all the guests were thanked multiple times, Pinkie gathered me and the rest of her gifts up, tucked them away in her poofy mane, and with one final, 'Thanks again for the party!' we were off. Only this time, I knew where we were going, despite the fact that I couldn't see again.

It took about ten minutes for us to arrive at the Sugarcube Corner, and I could tell because when she opened the door a bell went off before she called out, "Hi Mrs. Cake. I'm back!" Not to much happened though. Pinkie and Mrs. Cup Cake talked a bit, Pinkie told her about the party, Cup asked her to watch the babies, Pound and Pumpkin, so that she and her husband could go out for the night, which I thought was a bit rude but that went unsaid, and Pinkie shot though the doors to her room, where she then put me and her gifts on her end table. I was in full view of the crib were the two babies sat, the male, light sandy Pegasus with the brown mane named Pound, was happily sitting next to his light-yellow, unicorn sister with her orange mane held up in a baby-blue bow, who was giggling as she used her magic to make a stuffed bunny dance. Rather well I might add.

I watched as Pinkie skipped over to the crib before talking to them in that obnoxious baby talk that for the sake of you eyes, I won't dare repeat. Hell, half of it I'm not sure I could repeat. It was that bad. Apparently I'm not the only one who thought so, because the twins were cringing like they just wet themselves in fear. Clearly, some incredibly brave, amazingly strong, and unbelievably heroic pony/person/thing had to stop this! To bad Mare Do Well isn't anywhere nearby. Guess I'll just have to do.

Hopping around and waving my arms like a lunatic, I managed to catch the babies attention where I proceeded to enact my ingenious and masterly thought out plan. I made faces and rude gestures at Pinkie while she wasn't looking. Brilliant, I know.

At first they didn't seem to get it, but when Pinkie noticed that they were looking behind her, she turned around, only to find everything where she left it, and me standing in attention. She shrugged, and turned back to the two, only for them to start giggling at me when I started doing it again. "What's so funny?" she asked turning around again, only for everything to still be normal. She scratched her head in confusion, before turning back to the two, now laughing babies.

We ended up going though the joke for over an hour with Pinkie becoming more confused and frustrated as the babies kept laughing. It even got to the point that she stared to turn around randomly, trying to make me slip up, but by this point I didn't even have to move to get them giggling. Her spazzing out alone was more then enough.

Eventually, she gave up, and after making sure the twins were fed, changed, and put to bed, she went over and opened the door to her room and let in her toothless pet alligator named Gummy. I was wondering were he was. Of course I could see why he was out there. No one wants a gator near their kids, not even a baby one that had no teeth. Well, no one with morals anyway.

"Come on Gummy," She said in a almost motherly, yet still babying fashion, "it's beddy-by time." I nearly face-palmed at that. Regardless, Gummy responded to her call and, after gumming her legs a few times, crawled into a basket by her bed that I had somehow missed, and curled up like a cat, where he fell asleep in a second. She giggled before climbing into her own bed before turning to me.

"I hope you like it here, Mr." She paused for a second, "Huh, I never got your name. Well that's not fair. You already know me and all of my bestest best friends names, but I don't know your name." Come to think of it, I don't think I've mentioned my name yet, have I? "Well I'll just have to guess your name then. Hmm..." Oh no, I've seen her try to guess Cranky's name and that didn't end well. In my personal opinion anyway.

"Carmine? Tick-Tock? Solider? Band-man?" She started throwing out names like confetti that was going out of season. Oh, wait no, that's Rarity. But still, she just kept going on and on. Heck, many of the words she through out weren't even names. I mean really, do I look like a Little-Boy-Bluey-Mc-Muffin-Wuffen-Pants to you! I don't think so. Thankfully the day's events seemed to catch up to her, because soon she was cutting herself off with yawns.

"Wind-up?*yawn* Tin-man?" I guess I should give out a name here. I mean, I have made you go this far without one. But for the sake of keeping tradition with the whole, 'new-world-means-new-name,' thing going on I've decided to go by an alias. Now don't get me wrong, I do in fact, like my real name. It wasn't that, at all. But in the off chance I run into another powerful being with god like powers, I'd rather not have them use it against me. Discord was bad enough, thank you very much. I'm just glad I didn't give my name to him.

But what name should I go by? Should I use a name I heard somewhere, or should I make one up on the spot? Should I do what the ponies do and use a pun as my name, or should I try to come up with a respectable name from myth and/or legends? So many names I could use. So many veritables.

I waited till her eyes shut and her name calling was reduced to incoherent mumblings before I said the first thing that came to mind. When she gave out a small, 'hmm?' I said it louder.

"Clockwork. My name is Clockwork Second-hand."

An Omen and a ride to Canterlot

I didn't know it at the time, but my arrival would end up setting off a chain of events that would cause untold problems for the land.

In an unknown location, atop a spiraling cliff's edge that only darkness and fear seemed to grasp, there was a dark and foreboding castle. From a distance, one could only see it's ten pitch-black towers, rising up into the sky like twisted fingers trying to scrape the very heavens themselves. Up close, one could see it's roofs covered in twisted and monstrous forms, seemingly ready to leap from their posts to snatch up any unknowing passerby. The drawbridge, the only safe way in or out, was lined with sharp, jagged spikes, ready to shred anything dumb enough to fall off it's edge. If one were to view the moat roughly a mile under said bridge, they would agree that the red dyed waters trapped below only helped to support how dangerous the castle was. Honestly, the whole thing was just one, big, cliche.

This, however, was what the exterior was like. The interior on the other hand, was vastly different. Bright colors as far as the eye could see, with almost no rhyme or reason behind anything. One part of the floor was blue, another part was checkered, another part was pink with green polka-dots, and the rest looked like something that came in with several multi-paint-filled water-guns and just went mad. The walls didn't help because they shifted, turned, and changed color at random intervals, yet somehow stayed away from any item on the floor. The two staircases that were on ether side of the room while leading to the balcony, twisted and bent in bazaar angles, almost never in the same spot twice. A single painting sat on the wall of said platform, depicting a small house on a hill, that was in the middle of a storm, and flashed with lightning a various intervals. The most prominent feature, however, was a elaborate chandelier made out of pink fluffy clouds with white lace trimmings on the edges that hung upside-down and sprayed chocolate milk from it's top that, rather then hit the floor, defied the rules of gravity by falling up into the bottom of the fixture like a fountain.

Honestly, it was like going from a good M rated monster movie, straight into a mansion designed by Dr. Seuss if he was drunk, stoned, and high all at once. In fact, it was so obvious that the decorator knew nothing of consistency; it was outright painful to look at.

And yet it was here that a master's plan would begin. For you see, far passed the strange interior, past the twisting halls, beyond the craziness of the castle, and in the highest room in the tenth and tallest tower, a dark, bipedal, silhouette stood alone in its room. Staring out of the only window, the single figure reached one of its long arms up and adjusted the brim of its large top hat, before using both of its gloved digits to straighten the rather large bow on its neck. It then used its limbs to wipe of some imaginary dust off of its pants, before straightening up, and turning its view out of the window again.

A loud knocking came from the door of the darkened room, but the figure made no moves to answer.

"Enter." the shadowy form called out in a fairly masculine voice, and a slightly robotic tone. A loud groan came from the door as another figure entered the room, its hooves clip-clopping with every step.

"I bring news of grave importance master." The quadruped said in a feminine tone of voice.

"What is it this time?" the, now revealed as male, shadow asked in un-amused exasperation. "Did Vanity lose her mirror again?"

"No milord.” The quadruped answered, “Something far more important has happened. Discord has finally made his move." This caught the shade's attention and as he turned to the four-legged creature, a large grin began to appear on his face, revealing a set of sharp metallic teeth resembling that of a bear trap in place of a normal pair of choppers.

"Well then,” He said with his metallic voice, now filled with sadistic mirth, "tell the gang to quit wanking off, get off of their hind-quarters, and get back to work, because-" He open the window with a flourish and shouted to the heavens.

"IIIIT'S PLAAAAY TIIIIME!!!

It was a beautiful morning here in Ponyville. What with it's warm sunny sky, the birds that were singing their lovely songs, the smell of Cakes, both Mr. and Mrs. as they started making fresh baked breakfast muffins downstairs, there was even a soft breeze flowing through town, and nothing; not the blasted roster crowing, not the mail-mare colliding with the door to the bakery, not even Pinkie's ridiculous workout/baby entertainment routine, was going to ruin it.

*Knock, knock*"Pinkie Pie dear?" Nope. Not even Mrs. Cake knocking on the door, that's Pinkie's problem. "There's some pony at the door for you. They said it's very important." I intentionally ignored the worried look on his face.

"Coming!" Nuh-uh. Not even when Pinkie picked me up and put me in her mane, which resulted in me getting dragged along for the ride. It’s still not going to ruin this day.

"Yes?" No way. Not even a Royal Guard being at the door will ruin this day. Maybe put on a bit of a strain, but nothing bad. I mean it.

"Are you the one called 'Pinkamena Diane Pie' a.k.a. 'Pinkie Pie' a.k.a. 'The Element of Laughter’?” Not even the when the guard's question caused Pinkie to pull out a mirror that I know wasn't there before, nor her saying, "Why yes. Yes I am." was going to ruin this day. No sir.

"The princesses have sent out a summons for you and your fellow 'Elements of Harmony' to come to Canterlot Castle. There have been multiple, reports of unnatural events, similar to Discord's escape six months ago, and they fear his return may be sooner than we had hoped. My fellow guards are gathering the others as we speak, and a chariot has been prepared for quick travel. We request that you retrieve whatever you'll need for the trip, and that when you are ready, head to the library, so that we my leave post-hast."

...Well, there went my good morning. Are you quite happy now?

It didn't take us very long for us, I'm sorry, Pinkie to arrive at the tree/house/library that Twilight lived in, and after a rather boring chat with the guards, of whom have some of the best poker-faces I have ever seen, we were off for the castle. Strangely enough, the whole trip to the castle was rather...Subdued? Depressing? Sorrowful? No, wait, foreboding. That's the word.

No one spoke for a vast majority of the trip, or rather, nopony seemed to be able to find the right words to say. Though, from what I could see though Pinkie's curly locks, it was probably for the best. Applejack and Rainbow Dash seemed to be sharing the same wave-link, as both of them had identical looks of grim determination slapped upon their faces.. Rarity was off to one side of our ride while seemingly focused on primping her mane as well as trying to prevent the wind from tossing it about, yet the grave expression on her face said a different story, and that her hair was just a temporary distraction from what they might have to face.

Fluttershy, on the other hand, didn't seem to be doing to well. In fact she looked like an emotional train wreak. Her facial expression couldn't seem to decide if it wanted to be angry, sad, worried, guilty, or horrified, before starting up again. I couldn't tell you what Twilight and Pinkie looked like, because the former was at the front of the Pegasus driven chariot and the latter for obvious reasons.

I looked over at Fluttershy again and I couldn't seem to think of anything but my want to help calm her or, if nothing else, chose an emotion so that her face wouldn't freeze like that. What? It could happen. But in all honesty, what could I do? I'm a one-foot tall wind up toy with a gun. Not really the kind of thing you'd want friendly advice from. So really, what could I do? I mean, it's not like I could just tell Pinki-

My eyes flew open as a crazy idea hit me. 'Could I?' I asked myself,' I mean there's nothing to say I couldn't.' I countered myself with, 'But what if it works?' I shook my head in negative. 'No, it couldn't possibly...Then again,' I thought, 'it is Pinkie we're talking about here.' Oh sorry, left you out of the loop there for a moment.

Anyway, I decided to enact my half-assed plan, and hope for the best. "Pinkie Pie..." I whispered just loud enough for her to hear. Her head snapped up, getting the attention of the others.

"What is it?" I heard Twilight ask.

"I don't know," Pinkie said. "I thought I heard somepony calling my name for a moment there. Must have been my imagination." She shrugged. The others seemed to accept this, although reluctantly, and slowly returned to what they were doing before. Once I was sure they weren't paying attention to Pinkie, I tried again.

"Pinkie Pie..." This time she started swiveling her head around trying to find the source of my voice, but I was a bit faster then her mouth. Not an easy task, I assure you. "Don't worry. I'm a friend. But please, if you wish to speak to me, simply whisper." I grinned, "After all, you're friends are already stressed and worried. So there's no reason to make things harder on them." I could feel her nod in consent.

"Who are you?" she asked, a tint of worry coating her softly spoken words, betraying her attempt at bravado. Or at least, I think so. It's kind of hard to tell when you're talking to someone's hair.

"I'm you're conscience." I lied smoothy, "We haven't spoken in a while. How are you?" Okay, now you see why I was worried. If someone were to whisper in your ear, 'I'm you're conscience.' would you believe them? Honestly, what kind or ignoramus would fall for that? Hell, what kind of ignoramus could fall for that?

"Eh, I've been better. How 'bout you Mr. Con-what-sis?"....Apparently Pinkie Pie was the kind who would fall for that. I now honestly don't know if the fact that she's pretty much my only protection in this world, is a good thing or not. Shaking that disturbing thought from my head, I deadpanned, "Never better. And it's con'science."

"Okey-dokey-lokey! Oh, have if we haven't talked for a while, then that means I haven't seen you for a long time too, doesn't it? And that means you haven't been able meet my friends. oh you know what I should do? I should totally have a, 'visited by my con-science' party, and introduce you. Oh it'll be great!" Jiminy Cricket, I hope you never had to deal with someone like this. Now lets get something straight, it wasn't that I didn't like Pinkie. Heck, she's on my top five 'best pony' list. But watching and dealing with someone and their personality quirks are two, completely different things.

"Right, ignoring that for a moment, I couldn't help but notice that your yellow friend over there seems to be a bit conflicted." She turned her head over to look at Fluttershy, and asked, "Do you really think so? I mean ya, she looks kind of sad, no wait, angry, no sad, no worried, no guilty-" I rolled my eyes, and you have no idea how much I wanted to use a sarcastic quip, but I restrained the urge because I knew it would only end up with a headache. Something I hope the others pick up sooner then latter.

"Yes, I do. Now please, do both me and her a favor, and give her some reassurance that everything will be alright. Maybe a hug." I said, hoping beyond hope that she just do it and not ask questions. Thankfully, my prayers were answered, because with a small cry of, 'Okey-dokey-lokey!' she moved over to the soft-hearted Pegasus and gave her a soft hug.

"Don't worry Fluttershy," she said sweetly, "We'll stop that big old meenie-pants just like last time. Only not like last time, because we won't let him make us all gray again, and-" I quickly interrupted her before she could go to far, "I think you made your point." Thankfully she took the hint, and backed off, leaving a slightly confused, yet thankful pony behind. What was even better was the fact that Pinkie's words seemed to break most of the tension, leaving little more then determined grins on all of her friends faces....For all of ten seconds, before one of the guards decided to inform us that we were 'five freaking minutes away from the castle. And just like a boomerang covered in nails the tension returned more painfully then before.

'Well buck you too, ya prick' With that thought, and a silent wish that I could show him how Hunter uses Mean Look, we continued on our flight. Oh well. If nothing else, I should be able to get some pay-back on Mr. Kick-you-into-traffic. Here’s hoping.

It did take very long after landing, for them to head for the throne room, or at least that's where I think they went. it was kind of hard to tell with Pinkie's mane bouncing around. I mean really, how much hair does this pony have? Regardless of that, I watched as the guards open the duel massive doors, letting the Main Six, and unknowingly me, into the chambers of the two princesses, where both rulers proudly stood.

"Princess Celestia, Princess Luna," Twilight called, "We came as soon as we could." I couldn't help but stare at them, I'll be honest here, the show doesn't give them justice. The two of them positively radiated authority, in ways I couldn't describe in words. If I had any breath, I wouldn't be able to hold it. Though I had to wonder, what was Luna doing here?

"Thank you Twilight," Celestia replied, "Thank you all. It is good to see you and your friends are well and in good health." Our resident purple mare cocked her head to one side in confusion, before asking, "Why wouldn't we be?" A question that I wanted to know as well. Thankfully, Luna spoke up with a, "Come, thy sister and I shall explain to thou as we travel." Thankfully, Fluttershy's lesson seemed to be working still, as she didn't use her 'ye olde Traditional Canterlot Voice'. Really, I heard enough on the show, I didn't need to hear it in person.

During our travel though the castle, I could hear them conversing. "As the guards have no doubt told you," Celestia started, "over the course of the past several hours, numeral unexplainable events have occurred though-out Equestria, and while the causality rates are thankfully no worst then a few minor cases, I'm afraid there is only a matter of time." That got some eyes wide open.

"Ah' matter of time till what?" Applejack asked, no doubt feeling a little miffed at the idea of anypony getting hurt. Something we had in common. Thankfully Luna picked up where her sister left off.

"Till the rest of thy subjects suffer a shared fate far worst then death." Okay, so maybe it wasn't a good thing she continued. She even scared poor Fluttershy into hiding behind Rainbow. "D-death?" she asked from her new hiding place.

"What my sister is referring to is the unfortunate state of our little ponies, as those that have been affected have been turned to stone." Celestia said gravely. It was a good thing I couldn't be seen because my jaw hit the ground. No literally, my jaw dropped so far that it actually fell off. Talk about awkward. I didn't even know I could do that.

"But princess," Twilight countered with worry etched on her face, "I thought Discord couldn't do that?" Oh really now? Where in the world did you get the idea that an all powerful, lord of chaos couldn't turn ponies to stone. Hell, he got me here by drop-kicking me in front of a truck, and had me turned into a wind-up toy in the possess. I highly doubt he couldn't turn anything to stone.

"Nay," Luna stated, unintentionally punning, "It hath always been within his power to do so, yet he himself hath never utilized it, until now." Wow. I hit the nail on the head with that one, didn't I?

"Regardless," the elder sister said, "What he has done is unforgivable. Now that he has returned, we need you to wield the 'Elements of Harmony' once more, and stop Discord, before he sends Equestria into eternal chaos!" Well that speech seems familiar. I watched as the girls looked at each other, and a with silent agreement passing though them, Twilight stepped forward and said, "Princesses, you can count on us. We'd be honored to wield the 'Elements of Harmony' again." Both princess smiled before turning to the door to a rather elaborate door that, no doubt, lead to the elements.

Appearance wise, it wasn’t too different from the first door. The only real modification done was a crescent moon covering part of the sun shaped lock, as well as a few constellations adorning it spaces. The only other change was the additional hole in the lock on the moon side. It was a … interesting change.

"After Discord's last escape," Celestia explained, "My sister and I realized that my magic alone, could never hold off his power, so the two of us had all of Canterlot tower, the safe place for the Elements, completely redone so that both Luna and I must be present to unlock the seals placed throughout the towers chamber." Ah. So that's why Luna was still up and about despite it being day time.

The seven of us watched as the two Alicorns went to work, stabbing two preset holes in the door with their horns, causing it to give off a powerful and majestic glow that filled the room, all but blinding the Main six in the process. Though I think I heard Pinkie say that it was, 'pwetty' I couldn't really tell over the sound of the doors sliding on the ground as they opened. Once the light died down, we all cast a glance into the room. Though I know I heard Rarity make a comment on the elaborate case, I tried to ignore it.

"Have no fear my little ponies," Celestia said, "My sister and I have complete and total confidence that you will be able to defeat Discord once and for all," she levitated the case into full view, "with these." she finished. She and her sister than opened the gem encrusted box....Only for them to drop it as the Main six to let out a gasp when they saw there wasn't anything in there but the plush linings.

"Oh come on!" Rainbow shouted out loud after getting over her shock, "this is the second time this has happened! Not. COOL!" For once we were in agreement. I mean really now, who... Who was the one cackling like an old witch doctor?

"Looking for something, girls?" A rather metallic males voice rang out with a thick stream of sarcasm from across the hall. Everyone's gaze shot over to said door, only for us all, myself especially, to let out a gasp of pure shock as we stared at him.

It was a Human. An honest to god, male of the human verity stood in the hallway, slightly leaning against one of the many pliers with his two legs supporting most of his weight. Or at least, he was mostly human. He was fairly tall, roughly around 6'5 and his body was rather on the thin side, almost to the point that you'd think he starved himself to get to that point. His round and fair skinned head was a bit out of proportion to his body but nothing major. His short-cut chocolate-blond hair was pretty well done, and the majority of his bangs were wrapped in a rather nice swirl, while the sides slightly framed his face.

His clothing was rather strange for he wore a sky-blue dress-shirt under a moderate-phthalate-blue tuxedo that sat snug against his skinny neck. Over that he wore a rather large, cornflower-blue bow and tie combo with black pinstripes crossing diagonally across it, and sitting on the knot of the bow was a golden medallion in the shape of a swirl. Moving down for a second, he wore a pair of dark-blue dress pants, and strangely enough, a pair of brown dress shoes that looked like they better befitted a clown, then they did him. His final piece of clothing was a top-hat of similar shade to that of his tux, with a dark-blue band running around the base. In the front of the hat sat a blue rectangular plate that had two identical swirls one ether side that vaguely resembled eyes. And finally, sticking out of the band on the left side was the 'Ace of diamonds' card. Yes, he sounds pretty normal right now, doesn't he?

However, while those were the parts that were normal, the rest were most defiantly not. Both of his arms and, to a minor extent his torso, had freakin' eyes sticking out of the suit and sleeves; as well as having one cantaloupe sized one placed vertically on his hat. To make things even creepier, the iris was that of a dark sapphire, and he also had six more overly large eyes that were floating around him that, where the whites of the eyes should be, there was nothing but pitch black. At the end of each of these arms, there was a single, white gloved hand with three fingers and one thumb each.
Glad I'm not the only one going through that. Moving on up to his face again I could see that he didn't have any teeth; instead, he seemed to have placed a miniature bear-trap in their place. What was even worst, however, was the fact that he had no eyes. I'm not kidding here; all that could be seen were a pair of blackened pits where his eyes should have been!

Though this all was something they noticed to, it was what was held in his hands that truly held their gazes. For them, they mostly focused on his left hand, for he was spinning one of the Elements on one of his fingers like it was a toy to be played with. I on the other hand, excuse the pun, was watching his right hand, for in it he held what looked like a revolver. Of which, bared a remarkable resemblance to the real life Izimech MP412 REX, which I could only assume he knew how to use; though I really hoped otherwise.

He grinned sadistically at the ponies that, though some were able to hide it better than others, caused a shiver to run up and down their spines. To make things worse, a guard chose that moment to run at the strange human, demanding that he halt. It was his last mistake. The man simply raised the pistol so that the barrel was aimed at him and, without even moving his missing gaze from us, fired a round that with a loud BANG that caused Flutters to scream and hide as the bullet went right into the guard's forehead.
The colt fell to the ground like a sack of flour, only instead of flesh, blood, and possibly brain matter splashing over the tiles; the shot seemed to have turned him into stone. Not even caring that he turned a pony into an oversized lawn ornament, or that he was now being given a glare from the princesses that could very well kill a lesser man, he raised the now smoking barrel to his lips and blew, making a soft whistle escape, before a little flag with the word 'Bang' written on it popped out.

"So. Who's next?

Author's Note

Edit: Okay after numerous PMs complaining(whining) about my villains appearance I've given him a bit of a redesign. Happy?:ajbemused:

An Ace of Diamonds

Silence. That was what had filled the room right now. A stunned and foreboding silence had filled the room like a dank fog at the display of cruelty, practically choking any words the ponies could say long before they left their mouths. For a moment, no-one was able to say anything to the creature across the hall. Honestly though, who could blame them? A pony was just turned to stone right in front of their eyes.

"Hehhe, you should see the looks on your faces right now." The humanoid chucked sadistically. "I'd take a picture, but you see I'm a bit pressed for time right now. Ponies to terrorize, lives to ruin, you understand." He shrugged his shoulders. "But don't worry your sweet little head princesses, I'll take good care of your kingdom while your away." Now that got the ponies attention.

"What do you mean?" the ruler of the sun asked in a calm yet, commanding way, and no doubt trying not to give in to a urge to simply end him where he stood, "What have you done with the 'Elements of Harmony'? Who are you?" Despite the fact that he was getting was yelled; scratch that, sternly talked to in a tone that demanded respect, at by a being that could literally send him on a first-class banishment to the moon, he was rather calm about it. In fact, he actually seemed rather bored. Heck, he even yawned at her.

"Really? He asked disbelieving, "That's really all you're going to ask?" He then sighed, placing the heel of his right hand to his forehead, the gun in his grasp probably the only thing preventing him from face-palming. "I swear, next you'll probably say that I'll, 'never get away with it'. I mean really, how many more cliches are you going to toss out?" He sighed again before looking at the ponies with a deadpanned expression, before saying, "Daddy D. was right, you are grim and boring. I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, but as it turns out-" He was thankfully interrupted, when Rainbow Dash shouted out, "Hey! No-pony insults the princess!" before charging him, completely ignoring her friends cries to stop.

"Oh please." He mocked with a grin, before he did something that completely defied the laws of physics. After hopping in the air for a split-second, he fell down though his shadow while one of his hands reached up to grab his hat that had somehow stayed right where he'd jumped, before pulling it in with him. I'm not kidding here, he really did all of that. It shouldn't be possible but he- Wait a minute. I've seen that move before, but where?

"What the-" was all the Zap-apple haired mare was able to get out before a Tom-boulder-sized boxing glove on a spring shot out of his shade, slamming into her with enough force to level a tank and launching her straight though the roof in a colored streak, reminiscent of her name sake. All the while accompanied by his shout of, "OUTTA' THE WAY, SKITTELS!" before dispersing into a puff of smoke as he popped back out. He cackled for a second, before turning to the group before giving them the come-hither or 'bring it on' sign.

"Next?' He intoned.

"R'ght here, ya long armed varmint!" Came the southern call of the Apple farmer as she charged his position, but he was ready for her. With a quick twirl his outfit changed to that of a Spanish matador, he even had a handle-bar mustache that honestly looked pretty good on him.

Pulling open the red cape, he started taunting her with multiple cries of, 'Torro'. Honesty I shouldn't have been surprised that she fell for his taunting, she even snorted just like a bull. She charged, no doubt ready to rip him a new one, only for him to side-step her advance...revealing that he had an anvil hidden behind his cape, that Applejack ran headlong into.

"O'lay" He quipped sarcastically.

"Enough!" Ow, okay. You know how I said earlier how I didn't want to know how the, 'traditional ye olde Canterlot voice' sounds in real life. Well it turns out I really didn't need to hear it in person. I honestly believe that if I was of flesh and blood, she would have blown my eardrums. "We shall only ask once more. Who art thou, and what have thou done with the 'Elements of Harmony'?" Please make her stop, she's scaring Fluttershy.

"Well if that's all you wanted, you should have just asked," He mocked, his outfit reverting back to normal as he did. "I go by many names, my favorite of which being, the 'Diamond Ace' hence the card in my hat, but the name I'm most known for is, the 'Blue Loon' I suppose." Well that accomplished nothing. The name really doesn’t mean anything to anyone here but to confirm he’s crazy, and I figured that much by his appearance alone.

"As for the Elements," He grinned, before tossing the magical necklace high into the air, and unloading another round on it. In an instant, the artifact shattered into a hundred pieces, enacting gasps from pony and wind-up toy alike. But can you blame us. He just broke the only chance of stopping him with barely any effort, and inevitably dooming Equestria. I think that's more than enough reason to-*Flash* What the?

"Faaabulous, that one's is SO going in my scrap-book." Apparently, while we were gawking at the improbable, he had whipped out a camera and snapped off a shot of our faces. "Oh relax, that one was a fake." He laughed, slipping the camera behind his back. "You didn't honestly think I would break them this early on in the game did you."

"Game!?" Pinkie echoed/squeed. "What kind of game? Huh, huh? Is it a super-fabulous-extra-special-fun game?" I tried to ignore her and Twilight's indigent shout of "Pinkie!"

"Yep, but unfortunately the stage isn't completely set just yet. It still needs-" he cut himself off, before scratching his left temple. "Wait, hold on a sec." He pulled out a book from behind his back, that was titled, 'How to be Evil for dummies, 1990 collector’s edition' and despite the fact that he had couldn't possibly read it, said. “Let’s see now. Item one; cause an epidemic that causes the heroes to head to the castle. I did that. Item two; swipe the weapon(s) used by the heroes so that they can't use them against you. Yep, did that too. Item three; humiliate one or more of said heroes. Heh, check. Ah, here we go. Item four; capture a member of royalty as an incentive for the hero or heroes to chase you." He turned his empty gaze towards the ponies, "Normally I don't like kidnapping, but rules are rules."

"We'll stop you." I turned unseen to Twilight and thought to myself, ‘We? Who's this 'we' you speak of Sparkle?’

"Oh please!" He exclaimed before hoping into his shade again, "You can't even touch me!" The second he said that, he popped out of the ground holding open a burlap sack. Only instead of his own shadow, he came out of Celestia's before proceeding with her capture. Far faster then anypony could react, he grabbed her before slipping back into his shadow, and reappearing back at the end of hall where he slammed the sack in the ground. "Like I said." Naturally, Luna responded to this in a proper manner befitting the situation.

"Release our sister foul creature, or thou shalt be sentenced to a place that even the greatest of thy nightmares would tremble in fear!" Luna threatened him, complete with lighting sounding off in the distance, her loud voice shaking the panes of the stain-glass windows, but whether it was from the volume or the furious undertones, I will never know.

However, instead of cowering in fear like she expected, Ace only scowled, looked off to one side for some reason, and said in one of the most malicious tones I have ever heard, "I think she wants to communicate." Turning back to the non-bagged princess, he reached behind his back and pulled out a small squeeze horn, causing her and the ponies to raise their eyebrows in confusion, and my eyes to do another wonderful interpretation of designer plates. Why? Because, if my love of cartoons taught me anything, it's NEVER underestimate a crazed toon with a common household item.

So regardless of my own safety, I shouted out in a surprisingly loud voice, "COVER YOUR EARS!" The ponies jumped slightly in shock, no doubt wondering where my voice came from, before most of them, to my greatest relief, realized I was trying to help even if they couldn't see me, and followed my advice, even hitting the floor and covering their ears with their arms(front legs?) as they did so. Unfortunately, two of them didn't get the memo.

The first being Pinkie Pie, who was turning around in little circles, possibly trying to look at the back of her head, no doubt in an attempt to find me. Normally, this would look kinda cute, but right now all she was doing was being aggravating. The other being Luna, who was still standing strong and glaring at Ace, no doubt not trusting my words, and possibly believing them to be a trick, something that I would normally respect, but right now it just served to frustrate me.

In the formers case, her friends thankfully pulled her down when they saw her being 'Pinkie'. The latter however, barely got her mouth open, possibly to threaten Ace again, before he squeezed the horn. Instantly, the tiny brass horn expanded in size one hundred fold, somehow gained a long slimy tongue, and let out the LOUDEST "Awooga!" sound I have ever heard! By Faust! If Luna's voice would have shattered my eardrums, the sonic blast from that horn would have not only done that, but it would have blown my head onto a nice brain smoothie. And if you think I'm just exaggerating, listen to this.

You know how the stain-glass windows only shuddered when Luna used the loud, 'traditional ye olde Canterlot voice'? Well, when he used that horn, the whole thing shattered, as well as every window within twenty miles of us, and sent the princess flying backwards into the tower, the doors of which slammed shut right after her.

"Hehe, he tried to warn you, but you just wouldn't listen." Ace mocked, seemingly uncaring that I just saved four of the main Six from Luna's fate. Though, the fact that they were probably all but deaf now was probably the reason. Which begs the question; why did he bother mocking them? "Besides, you have more important things to worry about Lulu. For you see-" His evil grin returned, as he raised his leg up high, right above the struggling sack, before driving it right into the center with bone-shattering force...only for the bag to burst into a spray of confetti and streamers upon impact. Had me going for a minute there.

"The princess is in another castle!" Ace finished with a laugh, though it was obviously for himself, as no-one else was thought it was funny. That or they were still recovering. Regardless of this fact, Twilight shouted, "What have you done with princess Celestia!?" Clearly one of us missed something important in the past moment.

"Oh, don't worry about 'bout her." he said reaching into his pants pocket, before presenting a snow-globe. Looking inside as best I could from Pinkie's mane, I was able to see that it had a replica of Canterlot castle, as well as a yellow beam impacting the glass to no effect. What was that? "She's right here, watching over her new castle. Hey, check it out" He grinned, before he began mercilessly shaking it like a maraca at a fiesta. "Look at that. Snow!" Cackling, he put the globe back in his pocket. I swear, you have no idea how much I want to hit him.

"Give back the Princess!" Twilight, really please, just stop. I know your trying but you're not threatening. "Aww, does wittle Twily want her mentor back?" See? Even he agrees with me. "Well if you want her back so much, you'll have to catch me first." I'm really not liking the look in his...eyes? For a moment, it looked like they were going to take him up on his challenge.

"Look out below" He said sarcastically. Well that came out of nowhere.

Or so I thought, because a moment after his call, Rainbow finally returned from orbit, surprisingly undamaged, but unfortunately for all involved, she crashed into the girls and caused a pony pile-up. Taking a moment to laugh at our misfortune, Ace hopped into the air, and with a loud, "See ya suckers!" he run out the doors; Road runner style.

Pulling themselves free, and waking up Applejack, Twilight took charge. "Come on girls, we've got to stop him." Understandably, some of the girls, Fluttershy especially, were hesitant to continue, but they chased after him regardless. And I swear, I felt like I fell into a Yakety sax cartoon, because what happened next left my mind boggling.

First, they chased him down the hall for a few minutes when he suddenly hung a left. Naturally, so did they, only to catch him going left, and down another hallway. Then he took a left followed by another left which lead to another left, which…you know what? We were basically running around in a big circle, or square technically.

After about three minutes of that, at the last second before making a left turn, he instead made a right and pressed himself against the wall with one of his eyes peeking out from the corner. 'They're never going to fall for that,' I thought to myself. "Come on! We've got dat varmint now" Applejack called out as she pulled ahead....and hung a left down the wrong hall, her friends following her the whole way. I ended up face-palming from that.

After a few minutes, Ace finally couldn't stand the display, and his laughter brought them out of their gag, where they began the chase anew. After a minute or so, he made an abrupt turn, and jumped though the frame of one of the many broken windows. "I've got him this time!" Rainbow shouted, more then ready to follow him and just a few seconds away from tackling him before proceeding to knock the living day lights out of him. Unfortunately, just before she could, he somehow built a solid brick wall in the frame in two seconds, flat. The time of which, just so happens to be 0.98 seconds faster then she was. Well, needless to say, I face-palmed harder.

After Ace did the impossible by opening the brick wall like a door, and the girls taking a moment to pry Dash off of said wall, we were off, again. This time, they tried being a bit more sneaky in their approach. When they hit a long section of hallway, Twilight teleported the the other side where he couldn't see her and grabbed a bust of some-pony, waiting for him to pass so that she could clobber him with it. However, he pulled a fast one on us by stopping short, and giving us a, "Ladies first." And believe me, I dropped my jaw when they, or rather Rarity, fell for it hook line and sinker. My face-palm was only surpassed by the sound of plaster shattering on her skull.

Then, Pinkie got this crazy idea to use the 'forth wall' against him. Now I bet your wondering, 'what does the fourth wall look like?' Well I couldn't tell you. Now, it's not that I wouldn't tell you, I'd love to as a matter of fact, it's just that I couldn't. One second we were one place, she ducks behind a flower pot, then the next thing I know we're behind Ace. I literally didn't see anything the whole time. Just as well, my mind might have melted from whatever pure awesomeness was in there.

Unfortunately, he was ready for her with a massive sledge-hammer. Thank Faust I had my bubble, or else I might have been nothing more then crushed pieces imbedded in Pinkie's squishy head. It didn't help that he made a bad comparison joke about that darn 'Wack-a-Mole' game and Pinkie. And no, I will not repeat said joke because I don't wish to be put on the M rating.

Fluttershy thankfully got off easy. Their plan was to get him to give up, by having her give him the 'Stare'. At first, things were going well. She caught up to him and administered a full powered 'Stare' on him. "How dare you?" She said, getting up in his face. "How dare you! Listen here, mister. Just because you're bigger doesn't mean you get to be a bully. Just who do you think you are, going around turning others into stone? You should be ashamed of yourself! I have half a mind to find your mother and tell her what you've been up to, young man! Now you go over there and turn all those ponies back to normal - and don't ever let me catch you doing this again! Do you understand me? Because you do not- I repeat- You do not! Hurt! My! Friends! You got that?" Ace stood there the whole time, empty eyes wide in, what I assumed to be shock and fear, so for a moment I thought it worked.

I honestly should have known better. "How dare I?" he asked, the brim of his hat shadowing his face as he spoke, anger in every syllable. "Who do you think you are? Listen up toots, because I'm going to be very clear here. I'm a fully grown man, and no one- I repeat- NO one tells me what to do. You're not my mother, and you should be bloody happy about that. Because unlike you, she kicked the bucket a long time ago, so don't get it into your head that you can control me like a five year old brat. Your princess can't, my mother can't, and you especially can't tell me what I can and can't do. So if you don't mind, BACK OFF!" His final shout nearly blew her off her hooves and I could tell it scared her badly. Heck it scared me and I used to watch SAW and laugh at it.

However, just as she was about to run and hide, no doubt in tears, he grinned and said, "Fooled ya!" before pulling her into a hug. "Oh, I just love messing with you ponies. You always have the most interesting expressions. So sorry 'bout the scare there, but I couldn't resist. Don't take it personally, I've been waiting to use that one for a long time. Oh and just so you know, I don't enjoy turning ponies to stone. I'm just doing what I'm paid to do." And with that, he was gone, but now before leaving a poetic comment. "Word to the wise, the 'Stare' works better when you look them in the eyes." leaving a traumatized Pegasus behind. Wait, he's getting paid?

Moving on, the chase continued and faster then you can say, 'what transition?' we were in front of the Royal Sculpture Garden. Unfortunately, we lost him when he pulled a fast one by painting a picture of said garden on one of the walls, before jumping though it, resulting in the girls having to take the long way around. "Dang nabbit! Where'd dat snake in the grass get to?" Applejack angrily asked, still peeved after hearing what he did to Fluttershy, who was still being comforted by Pinkie. Frankly though, who can blame her?

"The painting had the garden maze on it, he's got to be here somewhere." Thanks Twilight for pointing out something we already know. I'd give you a prize, but I'm a little short.

"Oh I'm here alright." I can hear him, but I can't see him. Where- "but you'll have to play my little game first, that is, if you want your precious elements back" Oh, well that explains it. He's speaking with magic to keep us from finding him as easily. Clever, a bit cliche, but still pretty clever. I watched as they looked at each other, probably doing their 'silent conversations again, and I'm reeally getting tired of being left out of the loop.

"What game are you talking about?" The moment Twilight asked this, a rather large hourglass appeared in a magic flash. However, there were some things that were...off about it. For one, there was no sand in it. Instead, in the top part of the glass, a stone statue of, believe it or not, Discord sat, and in the bottom sat a different statue of...Discord? For two, the thing towered over the girls at roughly ten feet, and both the top and the bottom had golden figurines of both of the princesses. And finally, at the base of the fixture stood, "Hello again!" Ace.

"You!" Oh boy, here we go again. You'd think Dash would learn by now. "Come on, put 'em up! I'm not afraid of you! Come on, Marquess of Queensbury rules! Let's go!" she said, hopping on her back hooves and 'punching' the air with her fronts like a boxer...Only to get a pie to the face for her trouble. "Coconut cream" Okay, a coconut cream pie to the face. Wait, what? How did he?

"It's quite the simple game really, only a few rules, nothing much." Without even waiting for a response, he started listing the 'game rules'. "The first rule of our game is simple, no flying, and no magic. He 'looked' up for a moment while hmm-ing before continuing with, "But, because I'm such a good sport, I won't take your wings or horns. He chuckled a bit, "After all, how can you break a rule without something to tempt you with? The second rule is, every-pony has to play, or the game is over, and I win. Now for the BIG rule. See this?" he asked, taping the glass, "This here is your time limit."

"Our time limit? Until what?" Twilight asked, and I swear his grin couldn't have gotten anymore evil and malicious. "Why, until I bust out Discord from his cold hard shell that you ungrateful ponies left him in." and just like that his happy grin was back, but that didn't take away the fear now gripping at the ponies hearts. Well, most of them anyway. I didn't even need to see Pinkie's face to know that she was smiling when she muttered, "Chocolate rain." Once again, you shouldn't be surprised by the fact that I double face-palmed. HARD!

"Are you crazy!" Twilight yelled. "Why would you want to free him!" I don't know. Maybe he's like me and only wants him free in order to get some petty revenge. He could also be a cultist trying to free his master. Heck for all I know, he could be Discord's son. The fact that he's even here is the thing I'm most concerned about right now. How that heck did he get here anyway? However, my questions will have to wait.

"Because that's what I'm being paid to do. Now pipe down, so that I can finish." Reluctantly, she backed down. "Now as I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted. At the center of the hedge-maze, your princesses placed Discord's statue. Incidentally, I've also hidden the 'Elements of Harmony' though out the inside of said maze. Your mission is to find your trinkets before the hourglass chimes in about two hours. However, to make things more interesting, I've filled the whole thing with booby-traps." He snickered, for immature reasons. "Some of them are harmless, like the bubble trap, or the one that sprays you with chocolate milk," From Pinkie's happy giggle, I could tell she's going to be looking for that one. "but some of them are very dangerous, like the pitfall trap filled with cobras, or one of my personal favorites, the smashy-spike plate that impales while it flattens." I think I now know the reason he wants to free Discord. He's bloody insane!

"Why on earth would you make us have to go though such lengths when you could finish us off right now?" Rarity, now is not a good time to point that out to the crazy guy, who happens to have a gun. "Because, it's more fun this way." See? He just proved my point. "Well since I can see most of you don't want to play, how's about a bet?" Don't fall for it. Please.

"What kind of bet?" Why Applejack, why? "Well, if you win; by that I mean getting your elements and getting to the statue on time without breaking the rules, I'll give you one free shot with your super-rainbow-beam-thingy" Really? Well, that's rather sporting of him. "However, if you lose," he whipped out his gun again, and reloaded it with a flourish. "I'll turn you to stone, just so that you can see how Discord feels." See, he's insane. Back out now while you still can!

"Traps, smaps." No, Rainbow don't! "We'll find the elements, no problem." For the love of- "I just knew you'd see things my way" His smirk was back, "Good luck! Your going to need it." and with that he was gone again. I sighed. Looks like we're going in. "Come on girls." Twilight said, "As long as we stick together, we'll never lose!" Let's hope your right for once Twi. Let's hope your right.

Author's Note

I got the second Discord from here. Feel free to check it out, he's got some nice work.

It's official, I need a beta reader, and an editor or two:ajbemused:. It's come to my attention that I've just been bumbling though this whole time, by myself, and even with my extensive vocabulary, and the assistance of HartLord's helpful comments, it's obvious that my relatively poor grammar skills, as well as my minor understanding of the the minds of the cast, plus my reliance on the spell checker are all damaging what could be a great story. Because of this, I will be holding off on updates for a while, until I can find someone to help me fix these issues. Now this doesn't mean that I'm going to put it on hiatus, because I've tried doing that with another story, only to forget about it about a month later, and when I tried to pick up where I left off, I couldn't figure out what I had been writing in the first place,:twilightangry2: something I detest doing. No, I will continue writing even while I look, I just won't be publishing anything till I find someone to help. :facehoof: This might take awhile.