Zephyr's Day Out

by Midnight Mare

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Zephyr Breeze, Sex, Profanity, Random, Derpy Hooves
Length: 1281

An intersectional misogynist attempts to woo anypony who will listen.

An intersectional misogynist attempts to woo anypony who will listen.

Published 2021-07-12 03:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-07-12 03:40:00 UTC

It's not a very long day

On a fine Saturday afternoon in downtown Ponyville, a stubbly-chinned stallion with a buttery coat fluffed his wings. He closed his eyes and put on the shameless, self-aggrandizing smirk best worn by adolescent colts with delusions of grandeur. Around him, local mares trotted from shop to shop, picking up everything from apples to zinnias. When none seemed to notice his radiant presence, he popped open an eye and darted his gaze, as if expecting a true catastrophe to cause the lack of attention from the fairer sex. The town was known for its monster attacks, after all, and why else would a mare pass over the chance to hit up Equestria's most eligible bachelor?

He coughed. Still nothing from the ladies around him. "Ahem," he said.

One mare, another pegasus, stopped in her tracks to look at him. She cocked her head. "Are you alright, Mister...?"

"Breeze." He shifted his pose to show off the other side of his form. "Zephyr Breeze. And I most certainly am alright with you here."

"Oh!" The mare clapped her hooves and Zephyr sucked in a quick breath. "Do we know each other from somewhere? Is that a guessing game? I like guessing games."

"Er..."

The mare sat down on the dirt road, resting her legs like a dog. "Are you in the Ponyville baking group? Or do you go to Muffin Madness Mondays? Oh, maybe you're a friend of my marefriend?"

Zephyr's posture dropped coldly. "Your what?"

"My marefriend! You must not be her friend if you don't know we're together. I would've seen you at MMM anyway, so that leaves the baking group!"

Zephyr blinked. "Hold on, go back. What do you mean, together?"

"You know." The pegasus shrugged with her wings. "A couple. A pair. Two muffins in a batch."

"But you're both mares." Zephyr stared in complete incomprehension, and began putting together this new revelation with the pegasus's obvious academic challenges to realize she must be sorely mistaken. That meant he still had a chance, albeit with a less than optimal specimen. He glanced over his shoulder to see if any more suitable single mares were interesting in fluffing his clouds.

Oblivious, the pegasus smiled toothily. "Sure are! Her name is Renée Haycartes. Our friend Time Turner introduced us."

Zephyr scratched his head. "Haycartes? Like that old dude from history class?"

The pegasus scoffed. "Renée is a mare, and she is my mare friend, and I would appreciate if you didn't misgender her."

"Miss what now? Look I'm just glad you have a stallionfriend. I mean I was hoping I would be your stallionfriend but if he was in our history class he'll probably be dead soon, so you and I still stand a chance, right?"

The pegasus's jaw dropped as tears welled in your eyes. "She is a mare, and we are in love, and I don't even like stallions anyway."

Zephyr leaned forward. "Aw, don't pretend. Maybe you just hadn't met the right one yet." He wagged his eyebrows, suggesting then and there she met the right one due to pure proximity of an unemployed twenty-four year old bum fluffing his nonexistent plumage in a public place. "But maybe you'd reconsider? I'll have you know I have excellent genes."

"I don't want to reconsider. I like Renée. I like how we share a love of muffins, time travel, muffins, extradimensional physics, and muffins," the pegasus said. "And she thinks I have lovely eyes. Nobody has ever said that to me before her," she added on with a blush.

"No offense, your eyes are kind of... what's the word... wonky." Zephyr stuck out his hoof and turned away his head as if picking up a dirty pair of underwear. "The rest of you on the other hand..." He clicked his tongue in a gross expression of male approval.

"That's not very nice," the pegasus replied simply.

"I didn't say it to be nice," Zephyr explained. "It's called 'negging'. I tell you how terrible you are to get your self-confidence down, and then when I butter you up with praise you realize I'm your everything. Sometimes you have to be a villain to be the hero."

The pegasus repeated, "That's not very nice."

"Yeah, well, that's the natural order of things. Stallions like me" -- he propped up his head and raised a hoof high in the air -- "and mares like you" -- he lowered his hoof and drooped his head.

"That... That doesn't make any sense." She blinked her eyes repeatedly. "Everypony is equal, mare or stallion."

Before Zephyr could air a reply, another pegasus trotted by with anger in her eyes. "Zephyr? What are you doing in Ponyville? And why is Ditzy Doo crying?"

"Oh, hello there Flutter Butter. Meet --- actually I don't know her name, I've been more focused on her body if you catch my drift. And, uh, future marefriend, this is my sister Fluttershy."

Ditzy Doo eyed Fluttershy with relief in her expression but did not reply.

"Now, will you please explain what is going on here?" Fluttershy said.

Zephyr replied, "I was about to score a date with this fine mare here."

Fluttershy frowned. "Ditzy, don't you have a special somepony? I remember you brought a plus-one to Twilight's Hearthswarming party a few months back."

Ditzy perked up at the memory. "Yep! Renée and I go back hundreds of years."

Zephyr blinked. "Wait, your weird fillyfooler relationship with a stallion in a dress goes back hundreds of years? Or you literally go back hundreds of years together?"

Ditzy did not respond out loud, but her eyes parted ways lazily. Zephyr whistled.

Fluttershy's frown deepened. "What's going on here? Zephyr, why are you being so...?"

"Homophobic?" He filled in for her helpfully. "Yeah, so I sexually identify as a homophobe now."

"That doesn't make sense," Ditzy said. "Besides you seem quite clearly to identify as a stallion."

"Uh, don't invalidate my identity, and don't assume my gender."

"Gender?" Fluttershy quirked an eyebrow.

"Sure, I identify as a transphobe. I'm also a radical stallion's rights activist and an intersectional misogynist."

Ditzy Doo tilted her head. "How is that intersectional? You really shouldn't be so proud of disliking so many ponies."

"How should I know?" Zephyr shrugged, as if the confusion was obvious. "And stop trying to deny my existence."

Fluttershy sighed. "Zephyr, for your own sake please stop talking."

"I have freedom of speech!" He raised his voice to a shout, attracting grimaces from ponies around the marketplace. "Don't try to censor me for my radical views. I can't stand Celestians."

Ditzy and Fluttershy shared a look. Much was said while nothing was spoken.

In the eye contact, Ditzy's cheeks grew red. "Zephyr was right on one thing, he does have good genes."

Fluttershy returned the blush. "Oh, thank you."

She smiled bashfully. "Oh, and Renée and I have a semi-open relationship. If you wanted to grab dinner with us sometime...?"

Fluttershy tucked a bit of mane behind her ears. "It's a date."

With a smile shared, the pair took off in separate directions to finish their morning errands, leaving Zephyr alone, dumbfounded by the apparent realization that his own sister preferred mares. He then realized in a remarkable feat of character growth that nobody wanted to date an intersectional homophobe, so he should try on a new persona to win dates instead.

With a satisfied nod to himself and a newfound resolution to forget everything he learned on Doomblr, he scanned his eyes around the marketplace once more, and made eye contact with a nearby stallion.

"Hey, handsome you. Don't suppose you have plans for tonight?"

"Eenope."