"So... why are we going in the back way?" asked Starlight Glimmer, as her wife knocked three times on the rear door with a telekinetic burst.
"Mom asked for it in the last letter she sent," said Trixie Lulamoon. She sighed and removed her hat with a hoof, holding it in front of her chest politely. "Dad gets confused by the front door, so Mom wants us to slip in the back. He usually thinks the front door will be somepony he knew fifty years ago coming to visit him."
"Technically speaking, this time he wouldn't be wrong," said Starlight. She smoothed down the front of her work clothes with telekinesis for the third time since they'd entered the backyard.
"Star! I'm not that old!" said Trixie, turning her head to flash her partner a brief look of indignation. "I still have a few months of dignity left before I hit that awful benchmark."
"Numbers don't matter. You're every bit as captivating as the day I met you," said Starlight. She offered a coy wink.
Trixie blushed, then jumped into the air with a yelp as the door suddenly opened. She landed with her cape over her head, and quickly pulled it off with a hoof and faced the door. Peeking out was an elderly unicorn mare. She had a golden-orange coat and a thin white mane with blonde streaks. A light green apron dangled from her neck.
"Sorry for the scare," she said softly, holding the door open wide to allow the two mares inside. "Try not to make loud noises, though."
"Spec, is somepony there?" bellowed a firm, masculine voice from another part of the house.
"Yes, dear! You have a visitor," she shouted right by Starlight's ear. Starlight winced and her ears folded as she planted a hoof over the one that was now ringing. "I'm sorry, Starlight. He's a little hard of hearing."
"I'll bet my wife is now, too. Just kidding," joked Trixie, nuzzling her mother as the mares walked into the kitchen. Trixie carefully walked across the mat to the hoofwashing basin, placed her hat back on her head, and began cleaning her hooves by dipping them into the bowl. She picked up one of the adjacent towels with her magic. "It's nice to be able to levitate a hoof towel for once. In Ponyville it's considered gauche to use magic for anything both mundane and hoof-related."
Starlight neck-embraced the older mare briefly since her hooves were still dirty. "It's nice to see you again, Miz Spectacle."
"It's just 'Spectacle', dear," she said, smiling, then turned to her daughter. "Oh! You're wearing your old performing outfit. Are you touring again?"
Trixie chuckled and shook her head. "Neigh. Just figured it might be a better way to connect with Dad."
Spectacle nodded. "It's always wonderful seeing you two mares, by the way. You're so good for each other..."
"We know," said Starlight, grinning. "Oh, and since we're all unicorns here..." Her horn shimmered and glowed. In a flash, both hers and Trixie's hooves were sparkling clean.
"I keep forgetting you're a real mage," said Spectacle. "And so is our Trixie with all you've taught her, of course."
"Don't let Dad hear you say the words 'real' and 'mage' together," chided Trixie. "And as much as I hate his lectures on 'real magic', it is a little rude."
"I'm sorry, dear. Very poor choice of words," said Spectacle.
From the other room, the stallion's voice came, "Should I get up?"
"No, dear. We'll be right in after I handle pleasantries. Just rest," yelled Spectacle, stepping aside to get her eyes out of a sunbeam streaming in through the back window.
Trixie nibbled at her lower lip. "So... how is he?" she asked. Her voice quavered slightly.
Spectacle smiled, but there was a certain sadness in her eyes. "Well... things could be much worse, you know. He's still slipping, but most days he's his usual self, until Twilight sends the Sun below the horizon, of course. Thanks for coming early, by the way."
"Of course. The lamps aren't helping?" asked Trixie, pointing to an unusually large crystal fixture attached to the ceiling. It was currently unlit.
"They do help, but it's still not as bright or natural as sunlight," she said. "He gets less confused with the shadows not being there, so it helps him orient himself if he remembers the house well enough. It's good that we've been in the same place ever since his retirement. It gave him time to get familiar with the layout while he still had the ability to learn and remember new things. But part of sundowning is from fatigue gained over the day, and that's not something lamps can help with. I mainly try to keep him rested and off his hooves when he's not working out with the weights."
"Spectacle, I'm sorry you have to deal with this," said Starlight. "And sorry for Jack, of course."
"It's okay, Star! He's fine," said Trixie, her voice rising slightly. "He still has a lot of good years left in him."
"One can hope. He actually called me Showcase the other day," said Spectacle. "It didn't bother me, though! I rather enjoyed the memory."
"Mom's name was Showcase before they married," explained Trixie, in response to a quizzical look by her wife.
"Spectacle néigh Showcase, yes," she confirmed.
"They both fit," said Starlight. "Though I have to admit, Spectacle is pretty much the most amazing performer name ever."
"It was his idea and I loved it. He used to tell ponies that Countess Coloratura wrote the song about me, which is almost believable as the song was written many years after we married," said Spectacle, with a wistful grin. "I wouldn't let him work it into the act because I didn't want him to get sued. My dear Jack Pot is as gifted with flattery as he is with lies, but there are limits. That was long after Trixie moved out, of course... the song didn't chart until oh-two, and I retired from touring with him not long after."
Trixie snorted. "No need to sugarcoat it, Mom. After I ran away from home, you mean," she said, shaking her head. "I should have been here more. If I'd spent more time with him..."
"Daughter, don't you take on that dark audience," said Spectacle, lifting Trixie's chin with a gentle hoof. "You did what you had to do. You may have had some hiccups along the way, but you truly are a self-made mare. We're both so proud of the responsible, caring young pony you've become."
Trixie nodded and wiped her eyes as Starlight gave her a hug. "Thanks, Mom. So, right now, he's fine, it sounds like?"
"Yes, though it might not be 1017 Anno Solequus for him. It changes over the course of the day. Sometimes we're all the way back in 975," she said. "Bringing your cape and hat was a good idea for more than one reason."
"Nine seventy-five," whispered Trixie, staring into space. "Wow. I'd have been seven or eight years old. I hadn't even dropped out of Celestia's School yet."
"At least he's in good spirits today. Big Bucks visited him yesterday, and they had a great time reminiscing," she said. "He comes by once a week like clockwork, bless his heart. Always brings a little trick or two to show off."
"Bucks is a class act. I wish I could say the same," said Trixie, frowning.
"Trixie, we live further away and we both have careers," said Starlight. "I'm sure your father doesn't expect you to visit him weekly."
"Mom, couldn't you both move in with us? There's so much space in the castle for University staff. It wouldn't be a problem," said Trixie, nodding rapidly.
"It would ruin the little stability he has now," said Spectacle. "I'm sorry hon. It would be very bad for him."
Trixie sighed. "I guess you're right," she relented. "Maybe we could find a way to... ugh, I don't know..."
"You two visit more than you should given your busy schedules! Jack enjoys your visits when you can make it, and he knows you love him. That's what's important," said Spectacle, her eyes shimmering. "I... need to go to the restroom for a moment. When you're ready, you can go on in and say hi."
Starlight waited for Spectacle to close the bathroom door. "Are you ready for this, love?" she asked.
"As I'll ever be," said Trixie. "It's never very different from the previous time, but he just keeps fading... they call it 'the long goodbye' for a reason."
"Spec, is somepony in there with you?" came the voice.
"It's me, Dad! I'm coming right in," shouted Trixie, and they trotted down the hallway and into the living room.
Jack Pot was in the buff, reclining in an easy chair. His face lit up bright as a bonfire when he saw Trixie. "Hay, you! Get over here," he said, standing up and crossing half the distance for a hug from his daughter. His legs were strong and muscular, and he still had a full mane of hair.
Hard to believe he's a day over sixty, much less seventy-six, thought Trixie, closing her eyes and losing herself in that comforting, familiar embrace.
Jack stood back and looked directly at Starlight with an eye of scrutiny. "Ah, this must be your girlfriend," he said. "Or maybe I just promoted your assistant by saying that!"
"Um... Starlight's my wife, Dad," said Trixie.
Starlight smiled and reached out a hoof. "I do the assistant thing too, sometimes."
"Wife? When did that happen?" asked Jack, eyes wide. "How long was this going to be a secret?"
Trixie sighed. "You were at the wedding, Dad. We've been together a long time."
Jack looked confused, but then he smiled. "Oh, yes... right, I knew that! Sorry. Sometimes the days just blend together, y'know," he said, then yanked hard on Starlight's hoof to pull her into a tight hug. He whispered something that sounded like, "You better treat 'em right!" into her ear, but his voice was clearly playful rather than threatening. Then he chuckled and released his prey.
"Mom said Bucks came by the other day," said Trixie. "I'll bet that was nice."
"Big Bucks?" replied Jack. "No... I don't think I've seen him in weeks. He'll stop by one of these days, though. He's a good guy, just a little absent-minded. Probably busy giving shows without me!"
Trixie shook her head. "He retired when you did," she said. "He... keeps busy, though."
Jack took a step back to scrutinize his daughter, and a look of concern crossed his muzzle. "Well then... come and sit! We can talk shop. I love the cape and hat, by the way. Great stage presence." He returned to his chair and motioned to the couch across from it.
Trixie and Starlight sat down beside one another on the couch. "Always nice to see you, Dad."
"Of course it is! Not many ponies know the art like I do," he said, with a wink, and picked a shiny bit up off the end table, holding it aloft in his hoof. "You see... Starlight, is it? Real magic isn't anything like that fancy magery they teach you in school. It's all about convincing ponies you can do the impossible. We have to be careful not to use our horns at all. During the trick there should be no horn aura, and no mana sound. You'll want to quiet your audience to a hush so they have no choice but to believe you did it with true magic."
Jack held the bit up with a bent forehoof and placed his other hoof in front of it, bending it to pick it up in his frog. He lifted the other hoof and stared at it, dropping the original down. Then he turned the upper hoof around, revealing the coin had vanished!
Trixie smiled. "Prench drop. Oldest trick in the book. You drop the coin flat into the original hoof, and frog it there while holding the pastern loose so it looks like the hoof has nothing in it," she said. "Great illustration of the basics, though."
"Can't fool you, can I?" he said, with a chuckle. "But the most important part of a Prench drop is to keep your eyes on the hoof that doesn't have the coin. Where your eyes point is precisely where your audience will look."
"A classic misdirection," said Starlight, grinning. "You know, it's funny: even though the trick is very simple and I know exactly how it works, it still looks mysterious when somepony as skilled as you pulls it off."
"Oh, you flatter me, m'lady," said Jack, with a showy nod. "You know, earth ponies make splendid illusionists because nopony expects magic from them, and sleight of hoof is much easier with their enhanced magical dexterity. But as a unicorn, the audience will constantly be staring at your horn for signs of trickery! They also expect you to be magical, which makes it easier for them to believe the unbelievable. You want to use every element you have at your disposal."
"Even though I used to do it for a living, Princess Twilight Sparkle once tricked me with a mixture of the two. She made illusions look like real magic by using her horn as the tricks progressed, but the spells she was pretending to cast were impossible," said Trixie, frowning. "Argh! It still irritates me how easily I fell for my own brand of illusion! That mare is well overdue for a serious pranking."
"Pranking a princess? I'd pay good bits to see that happen," said Jack. "I do need to levy a small criticism, though."
"Ah, she can take it," said Starlight Glimmer. "Though the last time we pranked her she got us back in spades."
"No, I mean on appearance. Now, you look amazing, Star... Starbright, though a little overdressed. That's more like business attire than an assistant's costume," said Jack.
"It is, Dad. We don't perform as much anymore. I'm the Lead Counselor and Assistant Vice Headmare at the School of Friendship in Ponyville," said Trixie. "My wife is the Headmare."
"Counselor at a school?" said Jack, eyes wide. "Now doesn't that beat all! You used to hate school. In fact..." he said, and then he stared into space for a few moments.
"Dad? Still with us?" asked Trixie, waving her hoof in front of him.
"Oh! Sorry, miles away," he said. "But what were we discussing? Ah yes, appearance. Now, Son, we both know a performer needs a strong stage presence, and mane and makeup is an important part of that. Your assistant is fine, but I think you're overdoing it a wee bit. I suppose that androgynous mane isn't too far over the top, because the audience expects an illusionist to be a little unusual, but coupled with the spotlight on your makeup and that resonance I hear in your voice—why, some people in the audience might end up thinking you're a mare!"
Starlight covered her mouth with both forehooves and looked over to Trixie, who appeared to be frozen stiff. Her jaw was agape, her eyebrows turned down at the corners, and her ears pressed flat back against her head.
The look on Jack's face confirmed Starlight wasn't the only one to notice. "Whoa now, it's fine, Trickster! Look, I just don't want anypony to get the wrong impression when you're on stage," he said, motioning downward with his hooves for calm. "You've grown into such a handsome stallion you'll have to beat off the ladies with a stick."
"Dad, I..." whined Trixie, but her voice faded.
"Well, um, I guess I'm the one that she—um, that didn't get away, so to speak, so clubbing the mares is my job now," Starlight nervously interjected, wearing a sheepish smile.
"I... I'll be right back," choked Trixie, and she bolted toward the kitchen at a gallop. There was an 'oof' sound when she tripped halfway down the hall, but she stood back up and kept running.
Her mother was waiting for her when she raced into the room. "Trixie, I heard. I'm sorry," she quickly said as her daughter headed for the sink. Trixie leaned into the basin as though she were about to vomit. Her breathing was ragged as she stared down into the drain, blinking repeatedly as several swirly black tears dripped straight down from the tips of her mascaraed eyelashes and landed on the porcelain.
"This... it isn't what you think," she said softly, her voice cracking. "I don't care about being female." She sniffled, watching each falling black dot either disappear into the drain or land next to it with a tiny splat. Oddly, it felt more like she was watching a movie than having an experience in her own body.
The sound of hoofsteps told her Starlight had arrived, and she heard her speaking with her mother in a hushed voice. "I told him we'd be right back. He was worried about her, but I said he—she, well, you know—was dealing with something she'd forgotten about, and it wasn't his fault. I think he bought it, because he didn't follow me back."
"I'm sure he knows something's wrong. He hides his feelings well," said Spectacle. "But he'll be fine."
Trixie felt her wife's hoof gently stroking the nape of her neck, but before Starlight could say anything, Trixie filled the silence. "It doesn't matter what you told him," she croaked in a less-than-feminine timbre. "He won't remember it. You can't even convince him he's sick. The first thing this awful disease robs you of is the ability to know you have it. I don't even know why I'm here if none of this matters..." Trixie lifted her head and turned to look at her mother and her wife. She rubbed her eyes with her hooves, smearing black streaks across the pelt of her cheekbones.
"It does matter, dear," whispered Spectacle, stepping close to the pair. Her lips were pressed tightly together and her eyes shimmered. "He loves you, and he's happy to see you."
"He doesn't even know who I am," said Trixie, closing her eyes. "I mean, he knows, but he doesn't."
"Do you remember what your relationship was like with him before you trans—" began Starlight, but her voice stopped when she saw the sudden, anxious look on Spectacle's face.
"I was just a kid when I transitioned," said Trixie, reopening tired-looking eyes. "We hid it from him for years while I went to Celestia's School. Mom used to help tie my mane up every evening before we walked home together."
"That was my fault. I should have faced things head on, but he always seemed so resistant to the idea of anything happening to his... to what he thought was his son," said Spectacle. "He wasn't a big fan of the school, either. He wanted Trixie to be a true illusionist, not a mage. There was never a good time, but I should have tried harder."
"It's better that you didn't," said Trixie, then she looked to Starlight with a forlorn expression. "Star... I never told you this, but Dad's kind of a stallion's stallion. Um, I don't mean gay, I just mean he prides himself on his masculinity."
"I can tell that much. So, he wanted you to be like him?" asked Starlight.
Trixie shook her head. "No. Well, yes, but that isn't the point. I was going to say that he hides depression better than Maud. I've only seen him cry three times in my entire life. Once was at the grave of his parents. The other two times were my fault."
"No, they were not," said Spectacle, wiping one of her own eyes with a pastern.
"One of the other times was the first time I saw him again after running away from home. I hadn't planned on bumping into him at the Canterlot Fair. He recognized me immediately. He was so clearly hurt from what I'd done that I agreed to come back home and see him and Mom again. He just held me in his legs and bawled like a baby. I cried too, but I didn't say much. I guess it would be a good memory, except for the realization of how much pain I'd caused him," said Trixie, punctuating the story with a few sniffles. "But the other time was the night before I ran away. It was when I finally told him... what I was."
"Who you were, Trixie. You are not a 'what'," said Starlight, a stern look in her eyes. "If he couldn't handle you being transgender, that isn't your fault. Some things don't have to be anypony's fault."
"I remember it too, dear. Your father only cried because he was worried about what might happen to you. He knew from experience just how cruel ponies can be. He was terrified that you'd be bullied, or attacked, or worse," said Spectacle, grabbing a paper towel for her own eyes. "It wasn't that he didn't want to accept you for who you were! It was just new, and scary, and he was trying to look out for you the only way he knew."
Trixie rolled her watery eyes. "Well, I know that now. That's why what I did was wrong."
"No. Running away was a mistake, but it made sense to you at the time. It wasn't 'wrong'," replied Spectacle. "We did everything to try to find her, Starlight, but back then ponies didn't look for a filly if it was a colt who went missing, and even though I tried to explain her gender, the authorities assumed Trixie would look like a boy, and so did everypony they notified."
"I get it. It was an awful mess," said Starlight. "But you're together and happy now, and even if he doesn't remember any of that, you know he always loved you."
"He loves some little colt I pretended to be. He doesn't know anything about me, or my struggles, or the tears we both shed to become better ponies," said Trixie. She blinked slowly, confirming her tears had run dry. "I might as well be a stranger to him."
"Oh, Trixie..." said Spectacle, grimacing. "You know that's not true."
"What's the point of talking to somepony who won't remember what you say? He doesn't even remember Bucks just visited him," whispered Trixie. "Nothing I do here will matter. I can't stop Dad from fading away. My actions won't build anything between us, or even rebuild a tiny bit of the mountain we lost. Whatever I do, it won't even last ten minutes, and the moment I leave it's gone forever."
"But you want memories of being with him, right? Doesn't being with your father make you feel better?" asked Starlight.
Trixie shrugged. "I love spending time with him, but this isn't real, and it's not what I want to remember. Would you want to remember your father this way?"
Starlight Glimmer winced, then took a deep breath and narrowed her brow. "Okay, let me try this. We all die someday, Trixie."
Trixie frowned sharply. "Most of us don't have to die in slow motion like my father," said Trixie. "Your pep talk sucks."
"No, hear me out. When we die, we lose all of our memories," said Starlight. "Does that mean everything in our lives is meaningless? Is this conversation we're having right now pointless, just because someday nopony will remember it?"
Trixie stared into space and her jaw quivered. "Oh my Stars, you're right," she said. Starlight breathed a sigh of relief, but Trixie continued in a hollow-sounding voice, "Everything really is pointless, isn't it?"
"Horsefeathers!" cursed Starlight, slapping her own forehead with a hoof. "I swerved right into nihilism. That's the third time this week."
Spectacle noisily cleared her throat. "Dear, I think she's trying to say that the present moment is what matters."
"Yes, thank you! We only live here, in the now, Trixie," said Starlight, tilting her wife's cheek with a hoof to force Trixie's messy eyes to meet hers. "This moment is where your father is, and this is where he needs you to be for him. Sure, he might think 'now' is forty years ago, but 'now' is still 'now'. He's not truly living in the past. He's here with us today, even if he's a little confused about when that is."
Spectacle smiled gently and nodded, dabbing her own eyes with the paper towel. "I know Jack loves you, Trixie, even if he can't remember all of your struggles right now. We've both always loved you."
Trixie sighed. "I know. Maybe I'm being selfish. I just want what I say to him to matter," she whimpered. "I want the time I spend with him to be more than an imaginary conversation I'm having with a shadow of my father."
"Oh, but it is!" said Spectacle. "Your father may not be able to remember what happens in a conversation, but the feeling sticks with him. His mood improves every time you or Bucks visit, and it lasts for days. You really do make a difference, Daughter."
"R-really?" said Trixie. Her eyes moved rapidly back and forth as she stared at the far wall, as though it had writing on it. "Yeah. That's... that's enough. If I can make him happy, or proud, or even just content... I'd do anything for that."
"That's great," said Starlight, hugging Trixie tight. She furrowed her brow after breaking the embrace. "I'm still not sure what to do about Trick... um, I mean, about his memory of you, though."
Trixie turned and looked at the sink, then grabbed a paper towel and a bar of soap with her magic. "That's okay, because I do. Mom, do you remember how you used to tie up my mane?"
A few minutes later, Trixie and Starlight returned to the living room. Jack was seated in his chair, staring at the wall. Trixie's face now lacked her makeup, except for a touch of stubborn eyeliner. Her forelock was knotted at the base, pulling it a little shorter.
"Sorry we took so long in there, Dad," said Trixie, with a nervous smile.
Jack Pot looked up, lines of worry marring his muzzle. "Oh, I... I'm sorry, Son. I felt a little out of sorts for a moment there." He stood up and walked over, then smiled and hugged Trixie tight. "Always great to see you, Trickster. Are you okay? Your eyes..."
"Huh? Oh, just red from allergies," she said.
"Ah, I see. And this must be your..."
"Assistant," said Trixie.
"Wife," said Starlight, at the same time. "Oh, I'm Starlight, Trix... Trick's official assistant-wife. Or maybe wife-assistant," she added, in a joking tone.
Jack grinned from ear to ear. "Yes, Starlight... Glimmer," he said. "Ha! Knew I'd get that eventually. Sorry, the old brain isn't what it used to be. Come, come sit down!" He returned to his chair and motioned toward the couch.
"Good to see you too, Dad," said Trixie, exhaling deeply as she sat down on the couch. Starlight sat down next to her wife and held her hoof.
"Love the oversized cape and hat. Great stage presence. That eyeliner looks pretty good on you too. You do magic, don't you? I mean real magic, of course," he said. "The kind where nopony knows how you did it."
"Of course, Dad," said Trixie, "and we're both mages too, but there's no horn use on my stage. That's the rule."
"We did break it one time, but I was backstage and we masked the sound of my magic with a manticore's roar," said Starlight. "Our first show together. Very memorable."
"I'll certainly never forget it," said Trixie. She turned and kissed Starlight's cheek.
"Perfect! Always leave them guessing. And wow, a manticore—what a show that must have been! You'll have to tell me all about it," he said with a grin. "Hay, you might know this one already, but Jack still has a few old tricks up his sleeve. Would you like to learn how to do a Prench drop?"
Trixie smiled warmly back at her father and leaned her head against Starlight's shoulder. "We'd love to, Dad."
