Ch. 1 :: Diplomatic Immunity
The harsh sun shone down on the otherwise-cold lime stalk and orange cap of a mushroom-shaped domicile in the middle of the Crystal Empire.
Within the cap, scrunched between the bookshelves and bottles of mysterious potions that might turn him into a slug in the event of an earthquake, a palomino stroked his beard and observed the items upon a small table.
"They're right, the articulation is best in the Heroes & Hellions series," he observed. "Though the detail of the Masterwork is unparalleled... I wish the Black Flame wasn't the only one that jiggled..."
"Yo! Anyone here?"
Sunburst jumped at the sudden sound of the front door opening and his big sister's voice from downstairs. He hadn't expected her to arrive for about another hour.
Looking around wildly, his gaze lingering on the multiple figurines of a powder blue mare with a skull-like mask and a prominent cow-udder, he rushed across the room to seize a large, velvet bag.
She must have heard him, because she made a weird GRAAH sound. "You better not be doing anything weird up there!" she called in a long-suffering tone, her hoofsteps growing louder as he rapidly, but carefully, swept the figures into the bag. Ah, they're going to get scratched, he fretted.
He turned with the bag and yelped at her pouting face a foot from his own.
"Bro," Sunset Shimmer scoffed, "You think I don't know about your creepy figurines by now? Especially the jiggly ones the kirins make?"
Sunburst's reaction may have been a bit unwarranted, for Sunset was dressed for the Crystal Empire, and by all accounts was consequently cute as a button, with her fuzzy boots and her puffy, oversized parka, both colored hot pink with cuddly white trim. Still, she was his big sister, and her temper was legendary.
He blushed. "M-mom doesn't know."
"You sure?" she questioned, tilting her head. "I really don't think she'd bring it up."
"She totally would..."
"Oh sure, at dinner with the royal couple." She rolled her eyes and put on a disturbingly close impression of their mother's mildly sultry voice. "'Ah yes, the dairy industry is quite demanding. Speaking of which, Sunburst, dear, have you completed your cow-boobed space trollop collection?'"
"Sh-shut uuup," Sunburst mumbled, looking down at the floor red-faced.
"Hey!" Sunset snapped, and he jumped and leaned back as she glared him down. "I haven't sold you out yet, have I?"
"N-no," he admitted, his eyes darting away and back. "... yet?"
"Yeah, you're welcome." She reached out with a hoof, paused, looked him up and down, then patted a spot on his head, her nose wrinkled. "You uh, go get washed up. Maybe run it cold." The rest of her face followed her nose.
"I don't do anything 'weird' with the figures--"
"They're inherently dirty," she insisted. "We should let Twilight hit you with the rainbow to purify you. C'mon, we'll be late."
"You're an hour early..."
He shrunk as she exhaled sharply, her brows dropping again as she cast a look over her shoulder. "Because if I wasn't, we'd be late! Hurry up!"
"Yes, sis..."
"Daffodils, these ponies smell worse than your room," Sunset complained. The pony in front glared back at her, then started at the look on her face and looked away. Heh, still got it, Sunset smiled.
Sunset and Sunburst were standing in a long line of crystal ponies. The Crystal Cinema had just opened, and most of the local populace had just learned what a cinema was. For the first few days, they'd hidden from the bright lights and imposing architecture, apparently thinking it was some kind of alien invasion. Once the first few had begun ranting incoherently trying to explain what motion pictures were to their fellow peasants, they went to the movies more often than they went to church. Not that Sunset knew which religion was prominent in a place that had been trapped in Limbo for most of Celestia's lifetime.
And crystal ponies stank.
"The Crystal Empire is still working on indoor plumbing," Sunburst excused, adjusting his pince-nez. "Most homes still don't have showers."
"You sure this is Cadance's kingdom and not Luna's?" she jabbed.
He cleared his throat with an awkward grimace. "Princess Luna visits quite regularly. The royal couple were very quick to outlaw executions, so they smash pumpkins instead. She seems to like that."
"Destroying helpless fruits is pretty cathartic," Sunset admitted. "Oh hey, two tickets."
"Oh, what a cute couple!" the attendant praised with a smile, causing their own smiles to immediately vanish. "That'll be 70 tallies, ooor 40 Equestrian bits."
Sunset blinked and cleared her throat, fishing out her bits. "I'm his sister," she corrected as she hoofed them over, red-faced. Sunburst nodded, sweating uncomfortably.
The attendant laughed. "Oh, I'm so sorry! Of course, of course, you look so similar. You be careful, sir, some rapscallion might steal your sister and her pretty eyes away~" Laughing again, the attendant printed their tickets.
They walked in silently and paused. "Um," Sunset mumbled, suddenly self-conscious. "Hey uh, Sunburst."
"Yeah..?" he asked warily.
"Uh, do you think my eyes are... uh..." she fidgeted.
"Scary?"
"Yeah that," she accepted at once. "Yeah, I'll take that. Thanks, bro."
"Oh ho ho ho!" came the deep chortles of a large, pale unicorn entering after them. "Steal your sister?! Codswallop! Who in their right mind would even approach the Witch of the Grey Mirror?"
Sunset bristled and turned. She looked up and down his white coat, blonde hair, and lonely dark collar with a blue bow. Strange, he had no shirt on under it, just the collar. "Who're you?" she asked with one eyebrow raised and the other low.
"Who..?" he sputtered. "Who am I?!" He drew back with a hoof to his chest in outrage. "How long have you been away from Equestria?! Hmph!" He tossed his mane and flashed a toothy smile. "I am the handsome, admired, exquisite Prince Blueblood, a gourmet, a gentleman, and - for my illustrious presence in this backwoods permafrost must be explained - a consigliere of fine cinema!"
Sunburst opened his mouth, perhaps to correct the prince to connoisseur, but Sunset covered his face with a hoof. "That's impressive and all," she waved him off, "Now how do you know me?"
"Doesn't everyone know the madmare who... er..." Blueblood rubbed his chin in thought. "What exactly did you do, again..?"
Sunset sighed. "It doesn't matter."
"Indeed! It doesn't!" he concurred. "Now out of the way, beardy, I won't be resigned to a seat in the back." He bumped Sunburst's cutie mark with his own. The poor scholar stumbled away with a yelp and fell.
Sunset immediately saw red. "Hey." she growled, putting a hoof on Blueblood's shoulder.
"Don't touch me with your..." he turned and stared into her furious eyes. He blinked and raised an eyebrow. "... common hooves..?"
Common? she thought. He really doesn't know anything about me, huh. She blinked back at him, anger mixed with confusion. "You don't treat my brother that way, pal," she continued with conviction.
He laughed and gently touched her cheek. "You're adorable," he cooed, then slid out from her grasp and moved on with his head high and a smirk on his face.
Sunset stood there stunned, her hoof still raised where his shoulder had been, her mouth falling open. What, she thought dimly to herself, What just happened.
"S-Sunset, are you okay?" Sunburst whimpered, getting back up from the floor. "Did he hurt you?"
She blinked, slowly setting her hoof back down. "Sunburst," she croaked in a faraway voice, "Have you ever seen anyone... do that?"
"Do what?" he honked. "I get knocked around all the time, crystal ponies are pretty sturdy..."
"No, no. I mean... I looked him right in the eyes," she said. Sunburst shuddered. "Right in his stupid egg-shaped face."
"Look," he retrieved and put back on his pince-nez, adjusting his coat and avoiding looking at her, his face red. "Let's, let's just get our seats, okay..?"
"Yeah! ... Yeah." Sunset nodded, her spirits low and her mind distracted.
She couldn't look him in the eyes either.
Sunset did not care for the movie. It was about space, which was out there and boring, and sticks, which were down here and boring. She was a little distracted, anyway...
What if it happens again?
"Miss Jeek," the captain teased, tossing her obnoxiously square-cut hair. "For... a starhorse. You, certainly have... a strange... Concept! Of. Honesty." The captain shouldn't talk, she had a strange grasp of Ponish. The big dopey grin on her punchable face made her look like she was about to kiss "Miss Jeek".
"Not honesty, Dawn." The alien seapony with the flowing blonde locks replied, stone-faced. "Sincerity. They are subtly different..."
"You. Are so! Adorably... Pedantic," Captain Dawn batted her lashes.
"Then I am in good company," Miss Jeek nodded curtly with a pout.
The captain laughed. Well, "laughed". She sounded like a seal. "You're the best. Damn, soldier, I could ever... ask FOR!"
What if somebody wants to beat up my brother and it doesn't stop when I pipe up?
Less than an hour later, a laughing mud monster melted Miss Jeek into goo, along with several horses of various warm colors. Sunset had pegged them all as goners at first glance. They didn't get names or anything and none of them were especially pretty. Then again, Captain Dawn wasn't so pretty either.
"Miss Jeek!" Captain Dawn bellowed, rattling at a latticed gate and thrusting her hooves out like she was scattering confetti at a wedding. "MISS! JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" She abruptly turned, head-and-neck first, as though about to blame an invisible bystander. "Damn! It. That laughing son OF! a bitch killed. My. Best friend... I am... no. Captain..."
That piece of crap knocked my brother over and laughed at me.
The captain's self-enforced retirement lasted about five minutes before she was brought back to save the universe from a universe-sized tree, which she transcribed onto the screeners, or zeroed in on the frequencies, or some moonshine.
"Wait, right THERE!" The captain called, raising a hoof and staring wide-eyed and open-mouthed like a fish waiting for a handler to feed her, emphasized by the camera zooming gradually in on her. "... Miss Jeek..?"
The tree was croaking "Daaaawwwwnnn" in a very heavily edited ghost-voice.
"How can! This be!" Captain Dawn bemoaned, stumbling around and flailing like a puppet.
How much would it escalate? Would I end up punching some jerk in the face? A dark wizard? A prince? A god?
They apparently went into the tree, and Captain Dawn punched basically everything she could find, and somehow Miss Jeek turned back to normal. Sunset missed the details on how that worked.
"Miss Jeek," Captain Dawn whined between big fat whiny sobs. "I! Have FAILED! YOU! As your... captain..."
"I was weak and foolish," Miss Jeek looked down, red-faced and ashamed.
"I, failed you," the captain re-emphasized. "It will, not... fail-happen again!"
Miss Jeek blinked down at the ground, then the two of them slithered and waddled, respectively, back onto the whatever-the-ship-was-called.
I couldn't protect Sunburst... Sunset narrowed her watering eyes, seething with rage. I won't let him down again.
She jerked her head to the side in surprise as she heard her brother sniffling. "I, I know right?" he sobbed. "Beautiful movie... classic..."
Sunset closed her eyes, pressed a hoof against the bridge of her nose, and sighed. I wish there were two of me so one of us could always be watching this loser.
