Flashbangby daOtterGuyChaptersStruggle BuggyYou Ate My EarsDo the DuckI am an Open bookBlack Day and SpideryStruggle BuggyChariots were a useless invention. Well, back in the old country at least. In modern times, they are useful to the earth ponies and unicorns that are not blessed with flight, however, from where I came from, all pegasi could fly. Those that couldn’t ended up bumped off and fitted for a coffin. Harsh? Yes, but it was just the time period. Couldn’t fly? You got blipped off shortly by raiders or a monster that liked easy grub. Didn’t matter what you did or how much help you got. Flying meant survival and if you lacked the ability you didn’t last long. I lost a lot of my closest pals that way; lost a wing instead of a limb, and ended up dead to some trouble boy packing heat. I even lost my main squeeze at the time to something similar. Sky Heart, bless her. She was a few spanners short of a full set, but had a lot of love to give. I didn’t care that she had a bad wing. I found it cute. I don’t think there’s a day that goes by that I don’t wish I was there when she got herself into a jam. Some dumb dora thought they could get rich quick. Chose a dragon as a mark. The target was lousy with bits and Sky Heart agreed to that stupid broad’s scheme because she thought she could buy me out of the military draft. Like I said, she was a few spanners short. Doing something like that when all she needed to do was stay safe at home. Off the ground. But, she didn’t. She agreed to be the look-out for the grift and was the only one that never came back. What a damn maroon. I still miss her. Anyways, what was I getting at? Right, chariots. Useless. A few years before I ended up joining the Pillars, a bunch of saps started getting into building wooden carts that were meant to be strapped onto two or more pegasi and used to fly through the sky. Problem was that everypony could already fly. What use was a wood sky box that required other pegasi to pull it when the only passengers available to ride in them would have been other perfectly able flyers? The whole thing was bunk. I was apparently the only one that thought so. See what happened is that ponies started making the chariots more and more elaborate as time went on. Plush interiors, gold rims, and even full wooden figureheads on the front. The Janes got wind of it and decided that if stallions were spending so much time on these weird contraptions then they must be worth something right? They were wrong, but the damage was already done. Now, every gold digging broad in the township decided that chariots, the most useless invention of the old pegasi, were what determined the quality of a stud. So, suddenly, every grifter, lounge lizard, and goon were building these useless vehicles that nopony needed that were only brought out when some poor sap was making a pass at a mare with some good tail. We called them struggle buggies. Vehicles only used when some mug was trying to attract a sheba for a night that would be mostly forgettable. For the sheba. The goon that landed her would be bragging about it to his guys for weeks afterward. Over time, the term moved from the chariot to the pony. A struggle buggy wasn’t a chariot used to pick up mares. No, it now applied to a stallion that only picked up mares. Badly. A struggle buggy had no skills outside of the most basic of charm and some limited sex appeal. Not the most promising traits on a potential squeeze. Now, the reason I’m telling you all of this is to give context because I happen to know a certain huge pegasus that one might consider appropriate for the word. It was sunny. Flash Magnus and Flash Sentry - or the Flash Disasters as their units liked to affectionately refer to them as - stood in one of Canterlot castle’s training fields. This one was special in that it was covered in grass and had a single dirt path that cut through the center of the area connecting the solar wing to the lunar half of the castle. Magnus pulled Sentry in close with a wing. Sentry stiffened in response. “Alright, struggle buggy,” Magnus said to Sentry. “What does struggle buggy mean?” Sentry asked. “Nothing important, kiddo,” Magnus replied, “Now, focus. Your future moll is going to be coming down that path for their morning trot and you wanna not look like a complete mug.” “Moll? Mug?” Sentry furrowed his brow in confusion. “You haven’t taught me those words yet either. Also, I thought we were both trying to woo Her Majesty. Isn’t that the whole point of this?” “Sentry.” Magnus turned Sentry toward him and grabbed Sentry’s head in his hooves. “Look at me.” Sentry’s eyes widened with a happy gleam and a beaming smile. “Yes, sir, Magnus, sir.” “Wise head,” Magnus grumbled, “Look, our respective mark is comin’ through those doors in less than five minutes and is going to see a bunch of sheiks in armour.” Magnus gestured towards the other guards milling about with his free wing. “So, how do we make her think we’re the bee’s knees and better than the rest of these lounge lizards?” Sentry blinked. “Bees have knees?” “Sentry.” “I need to know!” “It’s a figure of speech.” Magnus sighed. “You gotta focus, focus, focus!” “Right, right.” Sentry bobbed his head up and down. “I’m focusing.” Sentry looked out to the training field with an intense look on his face. Guards of their unit were taking advantage of the sunny weather to relax after completing their drills for the day. Sentry glanced toward the door to the solar wing of the palace where he knew that Her Majesty Twilight Sparkle was scheduled to arrive from on her daily walk. It happened everyday without fail and as the royal guard they needed to have it memorized. Literally. Nopony wanted another lecture on proper scheduling from Her Majesty. “Uh.” Sentry bit his lower lip as he tried desperately to think of something. “We could make honey?” “Still stuck on the ‘bees knees’, huh?” “I need to know, Magnus!” Sentry whined. Magnus massaged his forehead with a hoof. “I don’t even know what I was expecting from a peppy mug like you.” Magnus pulled Sentry closer to him as Sentry’s face flushed red from the contact. “Ritzy shebas like Her Majesty like a stallion that can work, right?” Sentry nodded tentatively. “So, we show her we can work.” Magnus smirked. “Get a sweat going. Show off the sex appeal. Give the broad some sugar to get the mind thinking. Come on, Bo. We’re in the training field.” Magnus frowned. “A training field. How do we do that?” Sentry was feeling some discomfort with how heated his body was getting in close proximity to Magnus. “Sweating?” Sentry gulped. “Like, sweating together?” Magnus gave Sentry a flat look. “You make it really hard to not want to bump you off at the first opportunity.” Sentry grinned. “Oh, wait. I know that one!” “Of course you do.” Magnus sighed. “Okay, let’s make this duck soup.” Magnus shoved a hoof in Sentry’s mouth before he could speak. “I’ll teach you the term later. We’re going to do wing ups. Show off a real fella’s assets.” Magnus removed his hoof from Sentry’s mouth. “Sweat?” “Strong muscles, ya mug,” Magnus deadpanned. “Oh, yeah, that.” Sentry chuckled nervously. Magnus rolled his eyes. “Look, just do what I do.” Magnus trotted closer to the path and then dropped to the ground. He braced himself with his front legs tucked underneath him, his back legs planted firmly on the ground behind him, and his wings splayed flat, but tucked close to his body. He braced his core, held his breath, and, exhaling as he ascended, lifted himself up with his wings until they reached their full length. He released a grunt at the peak of his push up then lowered himself back to the ground slowly using his wings. Sentry had stared at Magnus through the entire process with a blank expression on his face and biting his lower lip. Magnus turned to Sentry from his position on the ground and then flicked his head towards the spot adjacent to him. Sentry blinked in confusion at what Magnus was trying to tell him. Magnus rolled his eyes and did a small wing up. Sentry finally clued in and raced to the spot Magnus had indicated. Once in proper position, Sentry copied Magnus’ motions exactly, and, once back on the ground, turned to Magnus for his approval. Magnus nodded with a grin and began his second rep. Sentry followed closely behind. After several wing ups, Sentry said, “This is pretty easy.” Magnus grunted. “Yeah, it is.” “Shouldn’t we up the difficulty?” Flash pondered for a moment. “So, we don’t look lily?” “Daisy,” Magnus corrected, “So we don’t look daisy.” He mulled over Sentry’s question. “Yeah, we should. Her Majesty is a ritzy dame. She won’t be impressed by this. Alright, we can’t cheese it, so we’ll have to pull out the big guns.” He whistled for the attention of several soldiers lounging nearby. “Over here, lads.” The soldiers trotted over to the Flashes. They were six earth pony stallions of roughly equal size. Average height, but stocky. Typical of the royal guard. Once they had arrived, both Sentry and the guards looked expectantly to Magnus, unsure of what he wanted. Magnus flicked his head back at the guard closest to him. “Hop on, kiddo.” The soldier stared at Magnus blankly. “What?” “Get on my back,” Magnus said, “Weights are for grifters. We’re going to show Her Majesty the Real McCoy, which means making it interesting.” The guard kept his blank expression before he shrugged. “Alright. Not the weirdest request I’ve been given from a superior.” The stallion trotted behind Magnus. He sized up his approach, decided his best course of action then climbed on top of Magnus with his back legs situated underneath him and his front legs dangling on either side of Magnus’ head. “Oof,” Magnus said, “Not the lightest load are ya, kiddo?” The stallion grunted in response. Magnus braced himself once more and, with significantly more effort, performed five wing ups with the stallion laying on his back. By the fifth, sweat was glistening down Magnus’ body and his breaths had become more laboured. Magnus dropped to the ground after his final rep. He laughed and turned towards Sentry who had watched him the entire time. Magnus looked at him expectantly with a wild grin on his face. The stallion on top of him appeared to be having a nap. Sentry blinked once then turned to the other soldiers still waiting nearby. All of them had looks of trepidation and, weirdly to Sentry, excitement on their faces. “Could one of you come over here and mount me?” Sentry then mumbled under his breath, “That didn’t sound right.” The five guards looked at one another. After some shoving and quiet bickering, one guard was pushed towards Sentry. The volun-told stallion stepped forward with a glare towards his compatriots and turned towards Sentry to focus on the rather odd task of climbing onto his back. Unlike Magnus, the stallion had to exert an amount of effort to get themselves situated onto Sentry’s back due to the height difference. After a short period of struggle, the guard was situated the same as his companion on Magnus’ back. Said companion released a loud snore. Once Sentry confirmed the guard was secure, he proceeded to do five reps like Magnus and was left in a similar state on the ground. “Now what?” Sentry asked. Magnus gave a manic grin. “We build the tower higher.” He whistled and flicked his head towards his back. “Come on, lads. Let’s keep it going.” Another disagreement broke out amongst the remaining guards and two were eventually shoved forward. Whilst grumbling, both managed to climb onto their individual guard stacks. The guard on Magnus’ back yelped when the guard tasked with climbing Magnus flopped on top of him. The guard on Sentry snickered. “Are you sure this is okay?” Sentry asked nervously. “Everything’s Jake, Sentry.” Magnus smirked. “Unless of course, you’re just some pretty face?” Sentry snorted. “Let’s do it.” Magnus and Sentry did a second set of three. By the third, both Flashes struggled to lift off the ground and only just barely managed to finish. Both laid on the ground sucking in gulps full of air. The stallion stacks for their part were cheering them through their reps. Magnus was about to tell the other two to hop on to the stack, but Sentry beat him to it. “Get on,” Sentry called out. Magnus grinned. The last two guards, having got caught up in the excitement, braced themselves in a downward position and leaped onto the stack of ponies. Both Flashes released a grunt as they felt the sudden weight on their backs. By then, several groups of guards and some castle staff had gathered around them and were placing bets on the likelihood of their success. Once both Flashes ensured the stallions were secure in their piles, Magnus and Sentry braced themselves and pushed up. By the halfway point both were wobbling under the strain of lifting three full grown stallions. Their legs were threatening to give out. Veins bulged from their necks. Finally, agonizingly, through sheer force of will, they managed to reach the apex of their rep. The crowds cheered alongside the guards piled on top of the Flashes. Both Flashes looked at each other grinned. Then their legs gave out from under them. What followed was a jenga tower of toppling stallions. Their fall, however, was halted by an intense glow of magenta surrounding them. All the fallen guards were carefully placed back on their hooves safely on the ground. Magnus and Sentry, both panting heavily in exertion, looked up to see Her Majesty Twilight Sparkle press through the crowd and looked down on them with an unamused expression on her face. “I see that incident from the other day was a pattern and not a one-off event,” She stated imperiously. “Impressive, eh?” Magnus grinned while fighting back the urge to groan from how sore his body was. “Us two regular studs pushing our limits like that.” Sentry, for his part, had the decency to avert his eyes from Twilight when she turned to look at him. Twilight turned back to Magnus and quirked a single eyebrow. “That is a sentence that could be used to describe what just happened. I’ll try to refrain from saying how I would describe it.” “Like what?” Magnus said, “The most exhilarating thing you’ve ever seen?” Sentry covered his head with his wings. “Sure,” Twilight replied dryly, “Let’s go with that.” Her Majesty then gracefully left the scene and continued her morning trek through Canterlot Castle. “Looks like we’re hitting on all eight, Sentry.” Magnus lifted a hoof towards Sentry. Sentry groaned. He peeked through the feathers of his wings, rolled his eyes, and bumped Magnus’ hoof with one of his own. You Ate My EarsFilocuse. Located southeast of the dragonlands, past a massive range of mountains, and a short glide over two rivers most notable for their crisscrossing figure eight pattern. That was where home was. The city was built above a basin surrounded by a jungle. Vapours harvested from the basin were used to form the cloud foundations from which the city was built. Structures that required ground access were kept on massive wood platforms built from hollowed out logs. We had no walls, but never needed them. The basin provided all we needed to form any weather condition we could conceive of and was our primary defense against raiders and their ilk. What was it like living there? Well, there was an animal native to the region that truly represented the spirit of the town. Let me tell you about the banshees. They were small furry, bipedal creatures with long tails, small rounded ears, and huge eyes that took up half their face. Early banshees were coloured similar to the forest whilst generations closer to mine were similar in colour to ponies. They were clever little bastards. Those skid rogues would make a patsy out of any pegasus that was unlucky enough to be near them when they felt like stirring the pot. Every resident of Filocuse was a mark to them. A maroon. Somepony to grift, but not to earn hard spinach. Nah, Banshees were in it for one thing and one thing only: entertainment. And every pony in Filocuse were their show ponies. They had a lot of different grifts but by far my favourite was the origin of another of my favourite idioms: you ate my ears. Before we get into that, let me tell you that banshees are loud. Like a broad dressed in her swankiest dress and ready to gold dig for some schlubs packing the bees. A banshee’s main defense against enemies was to scream their bloody conks off. One time while on patrol, I witnessed a jungle croc decide to go after a banshee that had been gathering food on the jungle floor. I had cozied up into a nearby tree and covered my ears preemptively knowing what was bound to happen. This hatchet stud with big teeth and a scaly hide crawled on up to the banshee dressed up in glad rags that it had swiped from a recent gooseberry lay. It thinks since it's a big bad predator it can take the banshee on, but that critter turned around, sized the croc up like a sheba judging a smoked drugstore cowpony and scoffed. Scoffed! The banshee is about to bluenose the wannabe pred when the croc lunges towards him. The banshee turned around, gave it the good ole stink eye and screamed. That croc dropped from the sheer vibrations of the banshee’s scream. The banshee stepped closer and the croc started shaking. Its eyes rolled in it’s sockets, and spit foamed out its mouth. Once the shaking stopped, the banshee nodded its head, bit the poor mugs’ ear holes and lammed off with a bounty of food. I waited for the ringing in my own ears to die down before gliding down and confirming the croc’s death. The big baddy got bumped off by a screaming monkey a quarter of its size. The important takeaway is to never make a banshee mad unless you got fast getaway sticks to back it up. So, banshees are these shit disturbers that are able to scream loud enough to bop off a critter unfortunate enough to hear them. Now, what do you think they did to the residents of Filocuse? Pranks. They pulled pranks. Deadliest creature in the basin and they spent their time making fun of us. Alright, now picture this. You’re in the middle of a big move. New house, full cart of your belongings parked in the front yard. You sized up the boxes, stacked them one too many on your back, and are now regretting your ego halfway to the front door. Enter the banshee. Little bastard sits just out of sight, sizes you up and decides on the perfect timing to mess with you. It sneaks in close, climbs along the boxes, and hangs just short of where your ears are located. You’re close to your home. On your right is a nice flower garden. The banshee waits another moment then, while in mid step, screams right into your ear. You stumble, and fall into the now crushed flower bed. Boxes fall to the ground. The banshee nicks your ear with its teeth, never enough to draw blood, then runs off cackling. You’re left cussing in a bush. Damn near perfect sting. Thus was born the phrase ‘you ate my ears’ after that weird habit of the banshees biting the ears of anything they scream at. Ponies used it to describe some smo with a big set of pipes on them that would just bellow at a decibel no pony was comfortable with. The poor victims could only brace for when the nibbles came. Despite their tomfoolery, they were beloved by the ponies of Filocuse. We chased off the predators that hunted them, and left them food during the harsher months. In times of danger, the banshees were the first to be on the frontlines. There wasn’t a single battle that happened where you wouldn’t see them perched on the backs of our soldiers with Tarturus in their eyes. It made sense really that they became extinct shortly after Filocuse fell from the sky. Both Flashes stood just outside of the Canterlot Royal Library, or, as many of the castle staff called it when she couldn’t hear them, Her Majesty’s personal book fund. Seated inside was Her Majesty Twilight Sparkle on a plush cushion with her nose buried in a book about theoretical magic. Surrounding her was one of Her Majesty’s patented book forts. The columns were made from thick periodicals, the fundamentals of the world, and the roof made from fictitious romances, high out of anypony’s reach so as not to be tempted to read trash. “Alright, struggle buggy.” Magnus leaned back from peeking through the door and turned to his compatriot. “Time to sing.” “You still haven’t explained what struggle buggy means to me.” Sentry had his head hung low and fidgeted in place with hooves tip tapping on the marble floors. “I also don’t understand why we’re dressed to the nines.” “Slick use of the phrase, Sentry. Also, I’ll tell you later. Right now we have to focus on the prize.” Magnus gave a wide toothy grin. “We’re dressed up all ritzy because we’re going for the clincher. Ain’t no broad alive that can resist a sheik in a suit.” Magnus struck a confident pose. His mane was gelled back into a red wave, he had rose bud studs in his ears, and he wore a red rose patterned suit over a black undershirt with a matching tie around his neck. Sentry was dressed equally up to scale in a simplistic blue suit over a white undershirt with a matching wing patterned tie. His mane had been tamed into a loose pompadour, but was hard pressed to be seen with his wings covering his head. Two maids trotted by, turned back to look at the Flashes as they passed and giggled to each other. Sentry attempted to hide more within his wings, but found some difficulty since he was approximately the size of a pull cart. “I just don’t know why we’re so dressed up to serenade Her Majesty.” Sentry peeked at Magnus through his wings, blushed, and re-covered them. “I mean couldn’t we wear our guard armour or nothing? Nothing would actually be much preferable to this.” Magnus smirked. “Oh, skipping to the fun bits, eh? Showing the sugar is a good way to get the attention of a ripe tomato.” Sentry’s head shot up out from behind his wings. “We don’t wear clothes by default!” Sentry attempted to glare at Magnus, but turned away when he saw him in his suit again. “I know during your time period, everypony wore clothes, but nowadays ponies only wear anything for formal events.” Sentry mumbled under his breath, “And when two ponies are really intimate with each other.” “It’s fine, struggle buggy.” Magnus punched Sentry lightly in the leg. “Just think of this like a big bash with an audience of one swanky dame.” Magnus frowned. “Unless you really are uncomfortable. We can still run back to the barracks, swank down, and make it back in time to serenade Her Majesty.” “It’s not that I’m uncomfortable.” Sentry peered at Magnus through the corner of his eyes. “Or not okay dressing up like this. I guess I’m just not used to it.” Sentry took a deep breath and met Magnus’ gaze. “You know what? It’s fine.” Sentry grinned. “Gotta look swanky for the moll, right?” Magnus returned the grin. “That we do, bo.” “What’s that word?” Sentry asked. “Bo?” “Yeah. I’ve heard you use it before and been meaning to ask you what it means.” “Oh it's like, saying ‘bud’,” Magnus explained, “But you’re supposed to only use it for your ‘best’ bud. Don’t use it much since I find it to be a lot more intimate than what it's supposed to be used for.” Sentry bounced on his hooves. “Can you use that as my nickname?” “What, ‘bo’?” Magnus asked. “Yeah,” Sentry said happily, “I prefer that over whatever struggle buggy is.” Magnus stared at Sentry perplexed for a moment then smiled warmly at him. “Alright, I don’t normally cave to demands, but I’ll make an exception for you, bo.” Sentry’s wings fluttered excitedly at his side at Magnus’ use of his new nickname. Magnus snorted at the antics of his companion. “Alright, now that that’s squared off, we got some words to serenade to Her Majesty.” Sentry stopped. “Oh, right. That.” “Yes, that. Ready?” “No.” “Perfect, let’s do this.” Magnus trotted through the open library doors with a reluctant Sentry following close behind. They both stopped short a respectable distance from Her Majesty and stood at attention. “Well met, your Majesty,” Magnus greeted. Twilight looked up from reading a passage about multithreaded time loops and looked over the Flashes with a slightly peeved expression. She closed her eyes, counted to ten, opened them, and released a weary sigh when she found both of them still standing before her. “Flash Magnus, Flash Sentry.” Twilight nodded her head to both as she stated their names. “Considering your attire, I presume it is far too late to hope that you are here on guard business?” “We have come to serenade you, your Majesty. We have both personally written poetry for your enjoyment,” Magnus announced confidently. Sentry, instead of a verbal response, nodded quickly and shuffled in place. “Of course you are.” Twilight sighed. “Can I refuse?” “No,” Magnus immediately replied, brokering no argument. Twilight massaged her forehead with her left wing. “Fine, hopefully this won’t be as bad as the first drafts of Rainbow Dash’s fanfiction or at least shorter. Let’s get this over with.” Twilight waved a hoof in the Flashes’ direction. Magnus grinned in response and turned to Sentry. “You wanna start us off?” “You first,” Sentry said, “Please.” Magnus nodded, stepped forward, planted his hooves firmly underneath him, and cleared his throat. He then sang out several verses in a deep timber. Her Majesty whom cares for those of our land, Majestic as the vapour that rises from the basin Thou are similar to that of the cloud, Floating through yonder blue skies Like the cloud you are a shelter A shelter against the harsh sun of the day, Against hardships that may befall your charges Comfort needed in times of stress An inspiration to all those that care to look up A bastion of safety in the open sky A caretaker of limitless compassion, Endless in their kindness In dark times, as storms roll in, You are the blessed water that falls from it You are like the rain Soothing to the touch, A chill against glaring sun Rejuvenation after hardship We stand before majesty, before grace A mare like no other Twilight stared at Magnus with a shocked expression. Magnus, in turn, stood with his chest puffed out and a wide grin on his face. “That wasn’t terrible.” Twilight blinked. “That was actually almost good. It was definitely looser than most odes I’ve read about before, but certainly better than what I was expecting.” Twilight gave a round of applause by stomping her hooves. “Well done, Flash Magnus.” “Thank you, Your Majesty.” Magnus gave a mock bow. “I’ve had plenty of time to refine my skill with the guys between waiting for raiders to appear and after they got chilled off.” “It shows and if that was the opener, I admittedly find myself excited for the second.” Twilight turned to Sentry. “Flash Sentry?” Sentry stared at Magnus. His ears were perked, his tail wagged ever so slightly behind him, and his wings fluttered happily at his sides. He had a starstruck expression on his face. “Sentry?” Twilight said. Sentry jumped in surprise. “Sorry, I was really engrossed in the poem, your Majesty. Could you repeat what you just said?” “I presume you also have a poem to present or ‘serenade’ as it were.” “Oh, yes I do, your Majesty.” Sentry cleared his throat. “Just have to prep the tubes first.” “Pipes,” Magnus corrected and then with concern, “You okay, Sentry? You seem pretty distracted.” Magnus gave a mischievous grin. “You were that awestruck by the words rolling out of my kisser?” “No! I mean yes. I just really enjoyed your-” Sentry scrambled to remember what Twilight had said earlier. “Ode? Yeah, your ode. It was really good.” “Alright, long as you’re still good to go.” Magnus waved a hoof. “Whenever you’re ready, bo.” Sentry smiled at the use of Magnus’ nickname for him. He started his ode in a melodic tone. Higher in pitch than Magnus, but with more power behind his voice. A mare of the night and day Sparkling with the stars A splash of colour on display Shining beacon to us all Sentry looked at Magnus out of the corner of his eyes. He had Magnus’ rapt attention. Fiery and sweet, a taste of no compare Pushing the limits with no care to the rest Eyes filled with heat, burning under their glare Unique, different, always the best Passionate speech, words never tiring Addicted to the rush of everyday running Can’t stop listening; Just too inspiring Can’t stop looking; Equally as stunning You don’t see me do you Waiting for you to see Take a plunge; Red mixed with Blue Hoping for you to be with- Sentry stopped mid line. His eyes widened in shock as he caught up to what he had been reciting. Twilight quirked a single eyebrow. Magnus grinned widely at Sentry’s display. “Wow, bo. That was some fine work, though you got a little jingle-brained at the end there. Also, I don’t remember those last verses from when we were practicing.” “I forgot the rest of it and improvised.” Sentry turned away from Magnus and rubbed his right leg with a wing nervously. “Just got lost in the words and found some inspiration.” “That's some impressive improvising. Didn’t realize you were an actual poet or I would have stepped up my game. What was your inspiration?” “My what?” Sentry replied. “Your inspiration,” Magnus repeated, “You said you became inspired by the second stanza.” Sentry went rigid. “I was thinking about Her Majesty’s previous heroic feats. She has a very fierce disposition.” “Huh,” Magnus said quizzically, “Seems square I guess.” Twilight allowed her second eyebrow to join the first. She turned to address Magnus. “Really?” Twilight stated dryly. Magnus tilted his head in confusion, then perked up when he thought he had caught onto what Twilight was implying. “Oh, you think Sentry’s serenade was better than mine even though he flubbed the ending.” Magnus smirked. “Hey, I’m a big colt, your Majesty. I can take a loss.” Twilight shook her head. “Not what I was trying to imply, Magnus, however explaining why would be a disservice to the other involved party. Now, as it appears you are both finished, I will be taking my leave, as my allotted personal time has since run out.” A burst of Twilight’s magic teleported all of the displaced books back to their proper place including, if not begrudgingly, the romance novels. “Despite my initial reservations, I will admit that it was highly enjoyable.” “Anytime, your Majesty,” Magnus said, “Always content to provide you with a show.” Sentry simply settled for a nervous grin. Twilight acknowledged with a short nod and trotted forward towards the exit. She stopped next to Sentry and leaned in close to his ear. “Good luck trying to get that dense horse over there to clue in,” Twilight whispered. “Thank you, your Majesty,” Sentry whispered back with red cheeks. Her Majesty smiled gently and continued her trot out of the library. Magnus approached Sentry with an excited gleam in his eyes. “Well, well, well, bo. Seems you’re getting ahead of this old darb.” Magnus jostled Sentry with a gentle rap of his wing. “Might be a sure victory for you yet.” “Right, a sure win for me.” Sentry chuckled awkwardly before perking up as a thought occurred to him. “Hey, Magnus? The winner can demand one thing from the loser, right?” “Those were the terms as agreed.” Sentry bounced lightly on his hooves as an idea formed. “And you said the winner could demand anything,right?” Magnus furrowed his brow in confusion. “Again, yes. That was the wager.” Sentry’s grin grew to manic proportions. “Perfect.” “Uh, everything jake, Sentry?” Magnus asked, “You seem a little goofy right now.” “Of course, everything’s jake, Magnus,” Sentry exclaimed excitedly, “Everything is super jake, fantastic jake even.” Magnus chuckled. “Well, glad you’re finally getting into the spirit of things.” Magnus put on a cocky grin. “So, anyways for our next plan I was thinking-” “My turn,” Sentry interrupted. “What?” “You picked the last two things we tried. I should get a chance to pick one.” “Oh, alright. Always happy to hoof over the reins,” Magnus said, “What do you have in mind, bo?” “Well, you keep saying we should leverage our sex appeal.” Sentry leaned in close to Magnus with a sleazy grin on his face. “Did you know that Her Majesty uses the public co-ed bath?” Author's Note Filocuse is a wordplay on the ancient Greek city of Syracuse and a type of feather known as the Filoplume. Magnus' poem/serenade was an ode, popularized in Ancient Greek. Sentry's poem/serenade was a ballad, which comes from Europe (late middle ages), and is what most modern music follows. Both did so in freestyle because the Flashes would never follow such strict guidelines past two lines. Do the DuckBack in the old country, yes I’m still using that, the pegasi of Filocuse had many enemies. There were the minotauran raiders who simply wanted anything that we had, dragons that wished to hoard any amount of wealth we could manage to scrape together, and vicious predators who had a taste for pony flesh. However, worse than all of them combined were the basin ducks. I hear you mugs laughing, but basin ducks were a menace. They were worse than the average monster because they were personally problematic. A scourge upon the unsuspecting bathers of Filocuse. Now, before I get into specifics let me tell you about what these no good trouble boys looked like. They were light blue birds that walked on two webbed feet and were covered in mottled dark blue spots. They appeared adorable with those big beady black eyes until they opened their bills and revealed several rows of tiny sharp teeth. And that there is the kicker. Basin ducks weren’t herbivores like their cousins across the way. No, they were carnivores and they had a rather obsessive love of eggs. Those goons would pull any graft they could if it meant they got to sate their cravings. No crime was too much if it meant an egg down their gullet. The type of egg they were most obsessed over though were pegasus eggs. Before you ask, Filocusan pegasi did not lay eggs and you would be liable to get socked right in the conk if you implied they did. Us pegasi laying eggs was a common insult from the minotaurs and it was an old joke the first time they told it. Basin ducks were just dumb. They saw ponies with wings, assumed they were some kind of bird, then reached the “logical” conclusion that they simply must lay eggs despite there being no proof of it. They congregated primarily around the jungle basin, a cavernous complex of several hundred pools of fresh water. The various pools and areas of the basin were divided up by purpose. For example, one group of pools was strictly for the animal inhabitants of the jungle while another was for drawing drinking water. Now, how these damn fakeloo artists would set up their graft is they would sit by the edges of the designated bathing pools and wait for a mark to appear. They probably assumed we came to ground level when we wanted to lay our imaginary eggs when really us poor saps just wanted to not smell like we’d been rolling around in dung heaps the entire day. The ducks would then deploy one of two tactics: ‘sneak’ or ‘trick’. Basin ducks were incredibly quiet when they wanted to be. Could get in and out of any situation without nary a peep and their target none the wiser. This never worked against pegasi though because after so many unsuccessful attempts to gather eggs that don’t exist, they would start to pant everytime they got close to what they thought was their quarry. Nothing creepier than when you’re trying to scrub your back and all you hear is heavy breathing behind you. Tricks were the more common fare the ducks would employ. One duck would ensure the mark was focused on them by purposefully drawing attention to themselves through knocking over objects and snatching various articles of clothing. Once, a mark’s attention was caught up in the grift, a second duck would sneak up behind the victim and make off with its prized nothing. Well, not completely true. They almost always managed to bite some fur off the poor victim’s flanks. After the inevitable failed grift, the basin ducks would then sit within sight of the mark. They would visibly vibrate in place while growling around a beak full of pilfered fur and feathers. You could always tell who the most frequent bathers of Filocuse were by how much fur they still had on their flanks at any given time. Thankfully, we wore togas. I was ambivalent towards the creepy birds, even pitied them some, until one day I went down to the basin with a good guard buddy of mine for some ‘private time’ together. Stratus was a real keeper. Best pair of wings of any member of the guard and a set of flanks that always had my motor running on full throttle. Spent a lot of downtime with that stallion. Anyways, we were in the middle of some rather inventive uses of a wash brush and I was just getting ready to start the main event. What I hadn’t realized was that a basin duck had decided I was their next mark and was getting ready to search for some eggs. That dumb dora managed to get in close just as I was hitting my stride on Stratus. Duck took one look at what was happening and decided that if there were eggs it was going to be a result of whatever was going on between the two groaning stallions. Needless to say, the bite marks along my pride and joy are still there, and I have never once been able to hit the high note that I did since then when that dumb duck bit me where it hurts. Which is a bit of a shame since I never knew I could hit a high C. Anyways, we finally managed to resolve the issue a few months afterwards when we made off with some domesticated chickens from a nearby minotauran settlement. The whole raid was mostly due to a general feeling of ‘let’s see how you like it’ after several back to back raids from the minotaurs. One pegasus then wondered if we could use the eggs produced by the chickens as some form of scapegoat so the basin ducks would just steal those instead of attacking us. We started doing it the next day. It worked. Of course, now that the basin ducks were successfully stealing from us, they got smug. They would always try to make it look like they never stole the damn things even though everypony knew it was them. Wherever we placed the eggs in the basin, the ducks would leave behind mane strands to frame some other pony for the crime. Even better, they would always sit just within sight after stealing said eggs looking as innocent as possible to see if their grift managed to pay off. We mostly just played along and did some dramatic rendition of how terrible it is that they managed to steal our precious pegasus eggs. The ducks would snicker and waddle off with their prize. From this behaviour the Filocusans created a new idiom: do the duck. To keep quiet and only observe to avoid taking blame for a crime you may or may not have committed. I found myself doing a lot of the duck that damn day Sentry took me to that stupid bathhouse. The Canterlot Castle bathhouse was located several floors below the main ground floor of the castle. The entrance could be found in the lunar wing and was a massive stone arch set before a long winding staircase. One could always know when they were close to the entrance from the presence of thick hot mist rolling through the hallways. The baths were accessible only by recognized castle staff and enforced by an invisible magic barrier under the stone arch. Any non-staff to attempt entry would find themselves trotting through the compost pit of the solar gardens and thus heading to the public baths shortly after to rid themselves of it. Upon descending the staircase, everypony or creature would be greeted by a massive cavern of gemstone clusters emitting bright light. The entire space was a combination of naturally formed pools filled by waterfalls of steaming water cascading downwards from overhead and pony made constructions along the outer portion of the cave containing various amenities such as saunas, prewash stations, and changing rooms. Additionally, the bathhouse was co-ed, and private. It was considered the greatest perk of working at the castle and a favoured hangout spot. Flash Sentry and Flash Magnus both stood at the bottom of the staircase leading to the bathhouse. Sentry was grinning widely as he surveyed the sparsely populated pools and eventually turned to Magnus with perked ears and tail wagging excitedly. “So,” Sentry asked, “What do you think?” “It’s-” Magnus sought the appropriate words from his steam clouded mind. “Big.” “Sure is,” Sentry replied happily, “Largest bathhouse in Equestria excluding the one in Vanhoover, but that one is really just a bay with an attached spa so it doesn’t count.” “So, this a bathhouse?” “Sure is.” “For washing up?” Magnus turned to Sentry. Sentry returned his look. “Gotta get rid of the grime somehow.” “Only for washing up?” “Until everypony is squeaky clean. Did you not have bathhouses back in your time?” “We… did have those back in my hometown,” Magnus replied carefully. “Were they different then the ones we have now?” Magnus went rigid and turned quickly away to hide his flushed face from Sentry. The truth of the matter was that bathhouses were a carry over from pegasus culture during the unification of the three tribes. Earth ponies had taken to them quickly, but it was another few centuries before unicorns eventually took the dive and joined their hornless brethren. When introduced, bathhouses were touted as communal spaces for ponies to gather together and foster bonds of comradery amongst each other through the simple act of bathing. They were very popular among the masses and near every settlement would have a functioning bathhouse within city limits. If one was to trace their origin through pegasus history, they would find that the practice of communal bathing started in Magnus’ hometown of Filocuse for the same principles as spoken of in modern day. Though, the practice of bathhouse use was somewhat different during the time period. Sentry knew bathhouses as what they were in modern times. Magnus knew bathhouses as a place one went to have open sex. Certainly Magnus agreed that bathhouses fostered close relations, but the meaning meant less talking and more sticking it into any number of other ponies or them into himself. The whole premise was based on a philosophy by the then commander of the Filocusan military that ‘intimacy bred survival.’ Laughed at on initial proposal then lorded over others as fact when it brought forth staggeringly positive results. Ironically, when one knew exactly which buttons to push to cause your fellow soldier to orgasm three times consecutively in your embrace, it was very easy to fight alongside them and understand their thinking in the heat of battle. Despite the oddness of any one soldier having slept with the entirety of their unit, Filocusan units were considered the most effective and powerful soldiers in ancient history. “You could say there are some minor differences in application,” Magnus said. “Huh, neat. You’ll have to tell me about that sometime.” Magnus made a mental note to never do so. “Anyways, Her Majesty should be here shortly, and when she does we should try to offer her a wash to get closer to her.” In a desperate attempt to regain his composure, Magnus smirked. “Well done, Sentry. Way to work the sex appeal right on the onset. Never knew you for a high caliber cake-eater.” “I have my moments.” Sentry grinned at Magnus and fluttered his wings. “Though, Her Majesty won’t be here for a while so we have time to get our pre-wash done.” “Pre-wash?” Magnus asked. “We need to soap and clean off before getting into the pools to minimize how much grime gets caught up in the water,” Sentry explained, “And with you here I can finally get the pre-wash done properly without getting scolded.” Magnus furrowed his brow. “Why would you have not been able to do it properly before?” “Most of the other guards wouldn’t help me out because of how big I am.” Sentry puffed himself up to his full size to demonstrate then giggled shortly after at his own antics. “But this time you can get to all my hard to reach places.” Magnus felt his brain shut down for a moment as he processed what Sentry had said. He was sure it wasn’t what he assumed it was since it was Sentry saying it, but the steam and thoughts about Filocusan bathhouses weren’t doing his mind any favours. He kept finding his thoughts wandering to specific ideas and it was starting to have the unfortunate consequence of making him really wish he had a towel on. “Pardon?” Magnus squeaked. “You know. Places that are hard to reach because I'm bulky and not a unicorn.” Sentry tilted his head to one side. “Like my back?” Magnus forcibly removed the sludge from his brain. “Right, your back. That place that is hard to reach because of your wings and being-” Magnus gulped. “Really... big.” “Yeah.” Sentry looked at Magnus with concern. “Everything jake, Magnus?” “Oh yeah, everything’s jake, Sentry,” Magnus said in what he hoped sounded confident, “Just trying to get my head in the game,” Magnus then mumbled, “And out of the gutter.” “Okay,” Sentry replied cheerily, “Come on then. Let’s head to the soap station.” Sentry trotted with a bounce in his step to the area Magnus presumed were the aforementioned soap stations. Magnus on the other hoof, found himself having to forcibly tear his gaze away from Sentry’s bouncing flanks and suppress several rather raunchy desires of what he wanted to do with said flanks. Magnus took a deep breath, cleared the errant thoughts from his head, and trotted after Sentry while pointedly only looking at the back of his head. Hopefully, washing up could help keep his mind clear. Magnus stared blankly at Sentry’s outstretched back as rivulets poured down it from an overhead showerhead. He had a fur brush in one hoof and was having difficulty processing the situation he had found himself in. Sentry faced away from him, thank whichever princess took pity on him for that, and all Magnus could focus on was the cascading water running down the ridges of Sentry’s hard back muscles. Magnus actually really had to hoof it to Sentry. Most pegasi neglected their back when working out and, if his trapezius muscles around the wings were any indication, Sentry paid extra attention to those. Every time Sentry re-adjusted his position, Magnus could see those muscles bulge and- He was losing his train of thought again. He turned to see his other hoof to find the soap there. He went about scrubbing it along the fur brush to do as Sentry had asked earlier. Another sentence Magnus had needed him to repeat since his mind had gone in a completely different direction when he had asked him to ‘scrub the soap deeply into his back and flanks’. Magnus was also trying to figure out if he would be able to remove his tail from his underbelly with how much he was using it to cover the evidence of where his mind was currently situated. “Hey, Magnus,” Sentry called out, “You starting soon?” This caused Sentry to tilt slightly onto his right side, which gave Magnus a perfect view of his flanks as they rippled in that direction. “Yep, soon. Definitely. Going to do that right now.” Magnus gulped. “Just deciding on my plan of attack, ya know?” “I don’t really get it since it's just scrubbing my back, but whenever you’re ready I guess,” Sentry said in a questioning tone, “Just make sure to be quick as her Majesty will be here soon.” “Right, her.” Magnus was surprised by the somewhat vehement tone he used. “She’ll be here soon.” Magnus saw Sentry’s ears flick momentarily, which Magnus knew meant he was debating whether to ask something. “You got a question, Bo?” “No, I’m good.” Magnus could hear the smile as Sentry spoke. “Just try not to rip my fur off.” Sentry chuckled. “Don’t need anymore bald spots after the flambé incident.” Sentry laid his head down on the stone tile of the soap station as Magnus had heard Sentry call it earlier. Or was it called a pre-wash station? Magnus honestly didn’t care what it was called at that point because it was quickly turning into a living nightmare of embarrassment. Magnus took a deep breath and focused on the task at hoof. Mainly Sentry’s backside, which was causing a not insignificant amount of turmoil inside of him. He laid the brush bristles down onto the middle of Sentry’s back and started to gently scrub the fur in a circular motion to ensure the section was fully soaped. Once that area was complete, Magnus let the downpour of water wash it off before moving onto the next part of Sentry’s back. As he worked, Sentry began humming a tune. Magnus’ ear flicked and a lazy smile spread across his face. He made a note to himself to ask Sentry for the song after this as he quite enjoyed the melody. He felt himself drift off as he worked, lulled by the steady motions of the brush and melodious tune from Sentry. After an indeterminate amount of time, Magnus realized that the humming had stopped and was replaced by low whimpering moans. Magnus kept scrubbing until he vaguely became aware that somepony was shouting at him. He was struck by the urgency of words and how out of place they were. He was feeling blissful and couldn’t understand why- “Magnus!” Sentry yelled. Magnus jumped as he finally became once again aware of his surroundings. Sentry’s head was turned towards him. His complexion was flushed and he was panting raggedly. He was confused by Sentry’s look this until he looked down. He noticed that while he had been working, he had managed to reach the end of Sentry’s back, bypassed his tail and had started scrubbing rather forcibly against what was underneath it. Magnus threw the fur brush backwards away from him and heard a ‘plop’ sound as it hit the water behind them. “Ah applesauce, Sentry.” Magnus stuttered out as he raised his hooves towards him. “Sorry, I just kinda zoned out and wasn’t-” “It’s fine,” Sentry interjected as he abruptly stood up from where he had been lying down, “Just maybe don’t do that again next time as we seem to have garnered a bit of an audience.” Magnus tilted his head in confusion. He looked around and saw that several other nearby bath goers were staring at them with cheeks as bright as tomatoes. One of the stallions gave a shrill whistle. “Right, right.” Magnus chuckled nervously and used his wings to hide the growing heat in his cheeks. “I’ll keep that one in the ole’ conk. You okay though? Everything jake?” “If you promise to do that again sometime, yes,” Sentry mumbled. “What was that?” “I said ‘everything’s jake’. Oh, look. Her Majesty is here.” Sentry pointed with a wing in the direction of one of the many pools. Magnus turned to look in the direction Sentry pointed to. Magnus saw Her Majesty soaking in one of the far pools reading a book which hovered in her magic well above the water and hid most of her face. “Oh, right, Her Majesty. That was the entire point of coming here. So, Sentry what’s-” Magnus stopped as Sentry trotted past him towards Her Majesty. Magnus galloped after Sentry as he followed him along the edges of other nearby pools. He appeared to be heading towards the waterfall closest to Her Majesty. They were both silent as they trotted together. Sentry determined, Magnus unsure. “Are you sure everything’s jake, bo?” Magnus broke the quiet. Sentry’s ears perked at the use of Magnus’ nickname for him. “Yeah, everything really is jake, Mags. I promise.” Magnus stopped. Sentry did so as well when he realized Magnus wasn’t following and looked back with a wide grin on his face. “Mags?” Magnus asked incredulously. “Yeah.” Sentry then hung his head with his ears pinned back. “Do you like it?” Magnus mulled over the word in his head. “Yeah.” He nodded. “Yeah, I do.” He raised a hoof and glared at Sentry. “But only from you, bo.” Magnus felt a stirring in his chest as he saw Sentry’s face light up. “Oh, good. I was really worried you wouldn’t, um, Mags.” Magnus found himself stuck in place as he felt a complex mix of emotions well up inside of him. He couldn’t place them. He couldn’t understand them. Sentry shuffled awkwardly in place. “Well, since we’re at the waterfall, we’ll take turns appealing to Twilight and ‘work the sex appeal’ like you said.” Magnus turned and saw that they were in fact at the waterfall. There was a grate underneath from which the water poured into as it was funneled to the various pools around the cavern. Hot mist rolled from the impact point between water and metal. “Alright, I guess that’s rad, but how are we going to do that?” Sentry gave a downright lecherous grin that caused a shiver to go down Magnus’ spine. “Really? You have no idea?” “No, I don’t, bo.” Magnus shuffled in place. “Should I?” “I guess not. Though, I suppose I’ll have to take the lead this time. Watch closely, Mags.” Magnus fought back the automatic response of ‘with pleasure’. He instead settled for watching Sentry’s flanks as he trotted towards the waterfall. He really needed to figure out what had him so out of whack. Sentry strode towards the waterfall and waved a wing towards Her Majesty. Twilight briefly peered over the edge of her book and returned the wave with a salute of one of her wings. She lowered her gaze once more and continued reading. Sentry continued his trot until he was under the pounding water of the falls. It cascaded down on him flattening his fur against the underlying skin and outlined every ridge of muscle on his body. Magnus was entranced as Sentry swept his mane back with a wing and released a shower of water behind him that formed a small rainbow from the light of the gemstones. The display showed off everything. Everything. Magnus was becoming increasingly aware of Sentry’s body and was causing some rather obvious effects under the hood. Magnus traced the path of the water and came to Sentry’s tail end. He saw Sentry’s tail dripping wet and showing off far more than Magnus was sure Sentry was comfortable showing. It was driving Magnus absolutely wild. Magnus was bothered. He was feeling really hot and sweaty. His heart was pounding inside his chest. He was almost certain from what he felt that Sentry wasn’t the only one giving a show. He looked around and found several other ponies observing Sentry. Magnus felt angry at the looks that he felt were too rakish. He turned back to Sentry. Sentry was looking right at him. Magnus felt his heart skip a beat. Sentry winked at him as he flexed and spread his wings wide letting the water from above burst on his feathers and break into waves of water. Then Magnus felt uncomfortable in a different way. He became hyper aware of how many ponies were watching, no, ogling him. They stared at him, filled in the blanks, and, from their biting lips and crossed hooves, liked what they saw. Magnus abruptly didn’t want Sentry to do this anymore. He was mad. It was the same feeling as when somepony stole food right from under him. He felt cheated. He felt his brow furrow and an overwhelming urge to sock every dumb mug in the room. He trotted over to Sentry. “We’re done,” Magnus stated in a dark tone. “What?” Sentry asked, startled as he furled his wings, “But I was just getting started.” “And now we’re done!” Magnus exclaimed forcibly. He called out to the onlookers. “We’re done folks! Show’s over.” Magnus turned to a flummoxed Sentry, “We’ll do something else to woo Her Majesty.” “That’s not fair, Magnus.” Sentry pouted and Magnus felt himself tense. “This was my only idea and we did all of yours.” “Well, you can still pick the next one. Just pick something that doesn’t draw in so many gawkers.” Sentry’s ears flattened against his head and he slumped in place. Magnus felt a pang of regret at having been the cause. Sentry turned towards where Twilight had last been bathing. “Well, Her Majesty is still here so we could-” His head shot up as he failed to spot her. “Applesauce, she left!” “Language,” Magnus said, “Also, it’s fine we can try something later. It’s not like there’s an explicit time limit in this competition of ours.” Sentry looked crestfallen as he rapidly scanned over the crowds before turning back towards Magnus. Magnus felt his breath hitch from the watery look in his eyes. Why was Sentry taking this so hard? Sentry’s face set into a determined scowl and he stepped out of the waterfall. He shook himself off, to the disgruntlement of everypony around him including Magnus, until dry. “What are you doing, bo?” “I’m going to ask Her Majesty out,” Sentry stated determinedly, “now.” Magnus felt dread grip his insides as they twisted up from Sentry’s declaration. “You’re doing what?” “I’m asking Twilight out.” Sentry looked at Magnus with a wide grin plastered on his face. “You’re going to hold your end of the bet if she says yes, right Mags?” Magnus stared blankly in shock at Sentry. Without waiting any longer, Sentry launched into the air and flew towards the entrance of the bathhouse presumably to chase after his future marefriend. That was what Magnus wanted from this, right? For Sentry to ask out his crush so they would get together? So his best bud would be happy? Then why did he feel horrible at the mere thought of that? Why did ‘best bud’ have a sour tang attached to it? Magnus stared off at Sentry as he ascended up the staircase to the main castle level. Magnus felt a powerful urge to stop him. He didn’t want him to ask out Twilight. He wanted Sentry to ask out- Before he even realized what he was doing, Magnus had leapt, spread his wings, and flew after Sentry. He was being selfish. He didn’t care. He needed to stop his bo from asking out that harlot. I am an Open bookIdioms are phrases adapted from silly happenings and used by ponies to describe similar situations. A way to bond with others. To have a knowing laugh with strangers and friends alike. Black day and spidery. Struggle buggy. You ate my ears. Do the duck. Phrases that invoke strange times from a forgotten town that nopony remembers. Sometimes, idioms can be personal. An in-joke between friends and family. Between lovers. I kept an open journal. It sat on my bedside table from the first day I could write to the day before I left with the Pillars to seal the Pony of Shadows. Hundreds of pages of thick, expensive vellum bought for me as a gift from an aunt that wanted to encourage me to write more. Inside I would write my feelings. Just small passages about what made me mad or some incident that when remembered gave me a chuckle. After a long, horrid day of lugging water from the basin, I had returned home to start writing my frustrations down and was surprised to find somepony else had beaten me to it. There were a few passages from Sky Heart inside. She had written heartfelt notes and small poems she had come up with throughout the day as she made clay pots at home. I cried reading those words. It was exactly what I had needed. I started writing back. Pouring my feelings out on the page for her to read. She would reply. Pages and pages were filled with silly love notes, poetry, and sweet nothings. When anypony would say that I didn’t properly show my emotions or communicate how I felt, I would always reply that it wasn’t true as ‘I am an open book’. Sky Heart always giggled at the joke. Then I lost her to that stupid scheme. I missed her. I hated her. I loved her. I was mad, and lonely and wanted to do something, anything, to undo what had happened. But I had the book. When the loneliness became unbearable, I would read all those silly words to make it feel like she was close to me again. It let me move on. To my surprise, every one of my lovers wrote in that book. Weird facts, questions, philosophical debates, short stories, and anything in between. Page after page filled with the words of those I cared about most. Sky Heart. She was killed by a dragon on that ill fated heist. Stratus. He bled out in my hooves when we were ambushed by raiders. Cumulous. She was lost in a tropical storm out by the sea on a military excursion. Sparrow Lark. He wasted away to a disease I refuse to even think about. I loved all of them. I missed all of them. It hurts everytime I think of them. I can still see the last moments I shared with them in my mind’s eye when I think of them. But their loss never bothered me because I had the book. I had hoped Sentry didn’t actually feel that way about me. I was hoping I misread everything. That he just wanted a close friend. I was hoping that Twilight Sparkle would whisk him off his hooves so he could be happy instead of miserable with me. I brought Mistmane with me to Filocuse to search for my book. I found it. It had been destroyed by neglect and the wear of time. The pages were brittle. The ink had long since become illegible. I was told no magic could save it. I don’t know what I expected. I can’t give him my heart. Because when I found my heart again, it was left in tatters on my bedside table. Magnus caught up with Sentry in the corridor just outside her Majesty’s bed chambers. He flapped his wings harder and cut off Sentry about several gallops from the doors. Sentry managed to stop himself with his snout almost touching Magnus’ snout. “Mags? What are you doing here?” Sentry asked, surprised. “Stopping you,” Magnus said through his ragged breaths. “Why?” “Because.” Magnus scrambled to find a valid reason. “I want to win the competition, so I’m here to sabotage you.” Sentry scowled. “That’s not funny, Mags.” Magnus smirked despite the nervousness he felt. “Not a joke, Sentry. Do I look like a sap?” Sentry snorted angrily. “Seriously? Of all the competitions to cheat you pick this one?” “Of course this one.” Magnus snorted derisively. “The biggest prize means I have to bring the heat.” Sentry crossed his wings in front of him. “Right, so what’s the heat then?” Magnus’ eyes darted back and forth as he strived to think of a response. “I’ll stop you from entering her Majesty’s bedroom.” Sentry looked at Magnus unimpressed before smiling. Magnus smiled back. Sentry moved forward. Magnus pushed back. Sentry then reminded Magnus that he was just a few sizes under a draft pony and kept moving forward as Magnus’ hooves skidded across the marble tiles. “Wait!” Magnus called out. “Nope. You are not talking your way out of this.” “What if I bribed you?” Sentry stopped. “What?!” “I’ll get you your favourite licorice everyday for a month.” “Why?” Sentry asked incredulously. “So, I can ask Her Majesty out first?” Magnus said with a hint of uncertainty. Sentry leaned back, covered his head with his wings, and shook violently from what Magnus assumed was screaming. He then brought his uncovered head level to Magnus with a furious glare. “Okay, Magnus. I’ll ask this plainly. What the actual fuck are you trying to do here?” “Winning,” Magnus said confidently. Sentry’s left eye twitched. He opened his mouth to presumably continue yelling, but was cut off by Her Majesty’s bedroom doors slamming open. “WHO DARES DISTURB MY PRIVATE TIME FOR WRITING FANFICTION ABOUT- Oh, it's you two,” Twilight groaned, “I was hoping I wouldn’t need to see either of you anymore today, but evidently this farce is still ongoing.” Both Flashes stood at attention. Twilight rolled her eyes. “Little late for that, studs. Still competing for my hoof in marriage?” “It’s just for a date, Your Majesty.” Magnus stated crisply. “Uh huh, yeah, whatever.” Twilight waved a wing dismissively. “Look this is both irritating and pathetic since I know what one of your intentions actually are in this.” She pointedly looked at Sentry who turned away. “So, let’s make this simple, Flash Sentry?” “Yes, Your Majesty?” Sentry asked. “Got anything to say to me?” “Yes! Would you go on a date with me to the Canterlot Charter bookstore? I’ll pay for any books you want, carry them back to the palace, and then leave you be while remaining silent the entire time.” “What?” Magnus exclaimed. “I agree to your date,” Twilight replied, “And to ensure this does not continue, I, as your ruling monarch, declare that Sentry is the winner of your contest.” Sentry’s tail wagged. “Thank you, Your Majesty!” “Great,” Twilight her wings up in exasperation. “Now, if this has finally been dealt with there is an all you can eat salad bar in Ponyville and I need to destress with some casual conversation with friends.” Twilight gestured towards her bedroom with a wing. “My bedroom is empty, feel free to use it for whatever - just make sure the maids clean up after both of you before I get back. Later, Anserines.” Her Majesty then teleported away in a cloud of sparkles. “What the applesauce was that about?” Magnus shouted. “Me winning.” Sentry snarked. “Winning? You agreed to be Her Majesty’s saddlebags for a day.” “Yep, and Her Majesty also declared that I won.” Sentry smiled maliciously at Magnus. “That means I get to ask one thing of you, no restrictions, and I plan to use it now.” Magnus stared at Sentry dumbfounded. “Alright, then. I don’t get why you’re so eager for this, but fire away, bo.” “Go on a date with me.” Magnus felt his heart stop in his chest. Sentry had his ears pinned back, and was shuffling in place nervously. “You want to go on a date,” Magnus repeated. “Yeah.” “With me?” “That is what I asked.” Sentry grinned. Magnus was well known for always having something to say for every occasion, but Sentry had done what was thought to be impossible. He’d left Flash Magnus speechless. “Was that your goal this entire time?” Magnus asked. “It’s been my goal since I came to Canterlot.” Sentry admitted. Magnus felt his breath hitch. “Explain.” “You're the Flash Magnus. My parents told me bedtime stories about what an amazing hero you were. Are. You were my idol. I had stupid fantasies about going on adventures with you, being best friends, and eventually-” Sentry’s face flushed. “I heard you had joined the Canterlot Royal Guard, and when Shining asked for volunteers to transfer, I was the first in line.” “You-” Magnus stumbled over his words, “From the start?” “Yeah. I was awestruck on the first day. The Flash Magnus challenged me to a sparring match. Then he invited me out to lunch. Then he hung out with me. One day turned into a few months and I was really happy.” Sentry frowned. “I don’t have a lot of friends.” Sentry grinned. “But you stayed! My hero wanted to be around me and we were best friends. It was a dream come true and then I kept thinking about what I wanted next, but didn’t have the courage to ask.” Sentry smirked. “Until the bet.” “To woo Her Majesty?” Magnus was floored, he had not expected this. “You went through all of this to ask me out on a date?” “I know, but like I said I didn’t have the courage to do so. This was the push I needed.” Sentry rubbed the back of his neck with a wing. “You don’t have to go on a date with me.” “I lost the bet,” Magnus replied. “And I just confessed to pining after you for months.” Sentry chuckled weakly. “That probably didn’t shine the best light on me, so if you don’t want to then I won’t force you.” Magnus studied Sentry’s expression. It was a look on the border of hopeful and devastated. Sentry really did want this. It wasn’t some elaborate joke. He’d laid his heart bare to Magnus and Magnus was struggling under the weight of handling something so fragile. He didn’t know what to do. He was stuck, unable to act. He wanted Sentry to be close to him, but did he want him that close? Did he care about him in that way? Did he think of Sentry like he did Sky Heart? Stratus? Cumulous? Sparrow Lark? Was he willing to bare his heart back? Was he ready to? Magnus realized his thoughts were spinning in circles so he focused instead on his emotions. He let go and allowed his heart to do what it wanted instead of listening to his confused brain. Magnus stepped forward. Sentry was a goofball. He was naive. He couldn’t figure out even the most basic things without Magnus to help him. He pined after a fairytale thinking he had a chance to make it come true. Magnus kissed Sentry on the lips. Magnus guessed maybe he could grant him his happily ever after just this once. “Does that mean… ?” Sentry asked. “I’m not a fairytale,” Magnus started, “I’m not as well put together as you think and I feel out of place more often than not, but if you can accept those parts of me… I’m yours.” Sentry laughed happily as tears welled up in the corners of his eyes. Sentry kissed Magnus back. They both felt their kiss was something akin to a bang. Black Day and SpideryI, being Flash Magnus, always considered the phrase “Back in the Old Country” to be a stupid opener to anything anypony ever said. Saying it immediately told the listener that some old geezer was going to reminisce about some time from their childhood that they lost as the past moved forward into the present. The Pegasi of my grandparents’ time lovedto start nearly every sentence with that phrase. They would always complain about how the current generation never kept with their established traditions and how the Pegasi were worse for it. The problem with that statement is that the “old traditions”, at the time, were anywhere from “slightly crispy” to “burned to ash” some hundreds of kilometers northwest after a migration of dragons decided that the land occupied by us was better fit for them. Never mind the hundreds of thousands of years since that time to present. I decidedly did not like dragons nor did any Pegasus of the time period. Additionally, and decidedly less liked, was that I now found myself relating more and more to my grandparents. An issue exacerbated by being some one thousand or so years displaced in time among ponies that looked, acted, and talked completely different from those I was used to. I, Flash Magnus, a pony that was once lauded as youthfully exuberant, now found myself beginning many sentences with “Back in the Old Country”. Speaking of, Back in the Old Country we used significantly better phrases than nowadays. Mainly, because modern phrases were boring. Raining cats and dogs. Beat around the bush. A bit a dozen. All boring. All uninteresting. They were so completely mundane as to be able to be used whenever anypony wanted in casual conversation. So mundane were these phrases that a pony could potentially miss that another had even said one. How utterly pointless. No, when using a phrase - idiom, I was still moderately behind on modern lingo - it should stand out. When somepony uses an idiom, everypony listening should stop and collectively be required to process what was even said. Then, after thorough examination of the phrase in question, it should be agreed upon that it was the most appropriate use of words given the situation. Which brings me to one of my favourite phr- idioms: A black and spidery day. The idiom in question saw use some time around when, embarrassingly, the Pegasi of my great grandparent’s generation had found a need to move their entire civilization underground due to the aforementioned dragons. To use a modern word to describe them: they were assholes. Regardless, whilst living in an underground cave system there were a large number of threats, but the worst by far were Cave Spiders. They were not the worst because they were dangerous. They were the worst because they were awful. So, say you were enjoying your day as a sheep herder - we wore clothes then, primarily togas and the like that required wool - you would let the flock out to graze on some cave lichen when, suddenly, the ceiling became pitch black and filled with a multitude of tiny red eyes. The swarm, or “cloudfuckery” as they used to call them, would then descend in a pillar of ghastly black, grab several sheep then run off with them. Why did they steal the sheep? Nopony knows! They didn’t eat them because frequently Pegasi would find stolen sheep wandering around randomly in the deeper parts of the caves on expeditions. That means the only possible explanation is that those scummy little bastards were taking them to make us miserable. That theory had only become more likely as the spiders began stealing armour, weapons, cooking utensils, hay bails, rooftops, and, I kid you not, the lettuce off of everypony’s sandwich. Thankfully, they became a non-issue when my grandparent’s generation figured out that living in caves was stupid since we, collectively as a race, could fly and walk on clouds. So, to quickly summarize, one would say that the day would be “black and spidery” when the ceiling turned dark and the spiders decided they wanted to nick something off of you that they liked. Or, if the theories were to be believed, you liked. Overtime, the idiom was adapted with the generations as language is wont to do. My parents used it to describe when an oncoming bank of black clouds were rolling in and about to cause massive property damage with a combination of hail and lightning. My generation used the phrase to describe the traditional greeting of ancient minotauran raiders who would release a barrage of arrows so thick that it blocked out the sky. Eventually, the phrase was used to mean any day that was going to be the most horrible, the most terrible, the most wretched day possible. Let me describe to you several of my most spidery, and most blackest days. Canterlot had a problem. It was the beginning of her majesty Princess Twilight Sparkle’s reign over Equestria and the Royal Guard was found to be inadequate in supporting the Princess through the coming trials of her early rule. This was the public reason. Prince Shining Armour had a problem. His little sister, baby sister, was now ruler of Equestria and there were not enough soldiers to protect her. At least in his opinion. Even after auditing the Guard ad nauseum, a failed endeavor because Shining during his stint as Captain had been quite rigorous on his standards and that had held up over the years, the Guard and by extension his baby sister had refused to do what had to be done. That had left whining. Flash Magnus, as a high ranking officer in the Guard, was present when Shining Armour had petulantly demanded that more soldiers be added to the roster to protect Her Majesty. If Flash Magnus was being honest, he did in fact agree with Her Majesty’s retort that Shining Armour was being an overprotective, obsessive twit with a sister complex. This did not, however, dissuade Shining Armour and the Princess was forced to accept several contingents of the Crystal Empire’s finest temporarily into the ranks of the Royal Guard until such a time that more recruits could be amassed. So, after a nightmare pile of paperwork, several platoons were sent to Canterlot and each of their respective commanding officers were assigned a Royal Guard liaison and companion unit for ease of transition. Flash Magnus was assigned to Flash Sentry. Somepony clearly found the idea amusing. The first day of their meeting was on one of the many training grounds within the Canterlot Castle proper. Each guard was lined up on either side of the field with their respective commanding officer and readying for their first ever joint training exercise. Both Flashes, Magnus and Sentry, met at the halfway marker between both groups. Magnus was a dark orange pegasus with blue eyes. He was slightly shorter than an average pegasus, but made up for it in sleek, lean muscle built for high speeds. He was dressed in the armour of modern times - armour that he felt was too restrictive - and had his dark red tail braided into what was traditional for his time period. Sentry, contrary to Magnus, was a light orange pegasus with blue eyes that was massive compared to the average pegasus. He stood several heads taller than Magnus and wide enough that Magnus questioned how comfortable Sentry’s armour really was. His tail was a rather plain blue cut straight. Sentry looked back at Magnus with a wide doofy grin on his face. Flash Sentry, in the words of modern vernacular, looked like a fucking tool. “Sentry,” Magnus greeted coolly. “Magnus,” Sentry said in a peppy voice, “Super great to meet you. I’ve been looking forward to this ever since I heard of the assignment back in the Crystal Empire.” Sentry raised a hoof. Magnus begrudgingly shook it with his. That, almost impossibly, made Sentry’s grin even bigger. For the first time ever, Magnus regretted his first name. “So, what’s the training regimen for today?” Sentry asked, “I know the training exercises are probably similar to that in the Empire, but I’ll leave it to you to decide for today since we’re the guests here.” “We’ll do the normal routine.” Magnus then smirked as rather fun thought popped into his head. “For the troops anyway.” “Oh?” Sentry said, “What will we be doing?” “Somethin’ a bit more screwy.” Magnus turned towards his contingent. “For now, let’s get this bull session going.” Sentry and Magnus then set to work barking orders and getting the troops started doing basic drills: running laps, strength training, and combat maneuvers. Afterwards, Sentry approached Magnus who immediately trotted off towards another part of the grounds. Sentry ran after him, curious to see what he had in mind. They soon arrived in a dirt circle lined with red chalk surrounded by racks of various weapons utilized by the Guard. Magnus turned to Sentry. “What’s your primary?” “Halberd,” Sentry replied. Magnus whistled. “Swanky.” Magnus grabbed Sentry’s chosen weapon off the rack, a long pole with a single-headed axe blade on one end, and tossed it to Sentry. Sentry grabbed it easily from the air with his right wing and swung it around to rest on his back with the blade facing downwards. “So, what are we doing?” Sentry asked. Magnus smirked and grabbed a reinforced iron shield from the rack and slipped it over his right hoof. He then threw the shield forward like a discus with a small bolt of lightning connected between his hoof and the shield. It sailed through the air and clanged against Sentry’s halberd as he swung it around and quickly blocked the oncoming blow. The shield continued its arc and swept back cleanly onto Magnus’ hoof using the bolt connection. “What do you think ya dumb dora?” Magnus said. Sentry lunged forward, arcing his halberd back away from himself with his wings, and sliced the blade forward in a sweeping motion with a maniacal grin on his face. “I think I’m really going to like it here,” Flash replied. Magnus felt an equally manic grin spread across his face as he met Sentry’s sweep with his shield in hoof. Minutes turned well into an hour as both Magnus and Sentry continued their relentless assault against each other. Soon after, guards from both sides gathered around them and cheered on their respective COs. The back and forth finally ended when Magnus managed to dive underneath a wide sweep from Sentry. He rammed his shield upwards into Sentry’s sternum. Sentry released a gasp as he dropped to the ground. Magnus, for his part, had managed to escape from underneath Sentry and stood overtop him with a smarmy smirk on his face. “Ah, got me real good at the end there, Magnus.” Sentry managed a cheesy grin through the pain. Magnus smirked and held out his free hoof for Sentry to grab onto. “Not bad for a flat tire.” Sentry took the offered hoof with one of his own and Magnus dragged him back onto his hooves. Soldiers in Magnus’ contingent cheered while those in the Crystal Guard groaned. “Ah, take your raspberries and shove em ya hoofers,” Magnus cried out. Sentry laughed. “What are you even saying, Magnus?” “Have a problem with the way I talk, Sentry?” Magnus glared. “Nah, I like it.” Sentry grinned. “Think you could teach me some of those words?” Magnus returned to his typical smirk. “Sure, but before that we have something more important to do first.” Sentry tilted his head to one side in confusion. “What’s that?” “Lunch, and I bet you that I can eat more than you.” “You’re on.” And so, the Flashs’ rivalry began. Everyday was a never-ending barrage of new competitions. Who can lift the most? Sentry. Who can name every soldier in both contingents? Magnus. Who can eat through an entire barrel of licorice before the other? Anyone’s guess as the inevitable fallout made it difficult to discern a true winner. They saw each other every day. They trained together, frequently devolving into an impromptu sparring match. They ate together, a competition of its own making with how much food was swiped between the two of them. Magnus had even begun to consider Sentry a real friend. Then after a month of this gauntlet of trials, the racing started. It was a foregone conclusion really. They were both Pegasi. It was more strange that they hadn’t done so already. It started simple: race you to the castle entrance. Then it escalated. Race you to the barracks. Race you to the bottom of the Canterhorn. Race you to Ponyville. Once distance couldn’t be stretched any longer without causing time troubles, it became a question of skill. Magnus had proven to be faster, and Sentry had been proven to be more enduring. However, what they wanted to know was who was better? Risk became a factor. Racing through mountain peaks, busy streets and bustling markets. Each more harrowing until finally the greatest race of all. The one that ruined everything. Race you through the castle. As previously stated, Sentry was a big pegasus and, as big things are wont to do, momentum can occasionally become a problem. Especially on marble floors. “Sentry, you need to stop!” Magnus called out as he raced behind the sliding pegasus. “Magnus,” Sentry cried as he continued his forward velocity towards the solid wood door at the end of the hallway, “I have hooves!” “Well, figure out the brakes!” “They don’t work like that!” Crash. Magnus winced as he slowed down to a gentle trot. Sentry, all 1200 pounds of him, had smashed through the door and could be seen sprawled out under the remains of what was once a writing desk. He entered the chambers with a grin on his face. “Well, good job, Sentry. Glad to see your turning is-” “What the fuck just happened.” Magnus whipped his head left to see Princess Twilight Sparkle breathing heavily and pinned to a nearby bookshelf. She was dressed in her standard regalia with her dark purple mane askew and violet eyes wide open in panic. “Ah, apologies to Your Majesty.” Magnus bowed. “This sheik over here hit some of the giggle water too hard and challenged me to a race.” “No, I didn’t!” Sentry called out as he struggled to remove himself from the wreckage of the desk, “You trotted up to me, whacked me on the back, and said-” “That you should really stay away from the castle speakeasy,” Magnus tsked, “Really, Sentry. What are we even going to do with you?” Sentry, from his position on the stone floors of what Magnus discerned as one of the castle’s many libraries, glared at him with an unamused scowl. Magnus smiled back. Somepony needed to be the fall guy and Sentry had both literally and figuratively taken the role. “You know what?" Twilight said. "I don’t really care about the reason.” Sentry was wrapped in the magenta glow of her majesty’s magic as he was levitated out of the wreckage of the desk and placed upright on his hooves before them. “Just leave.” “Right away, Princess!” Both Sentry and Magnus crisply saluted and left the room. They trotted down the hallway for a short time before Magnus turned to Sentry and noticed the dopey smile on his face. “What’s that look?” Magnus asked. “Hm?” Sentry turned to Magnus. “What look?” “That one.” Magnus pointed at his dopey grin. “The one you’re wearing right now.” “Oh, this one.” Sentry looked away from Magnus. “It’s just my happy grin, you know?” “I know your happy grin,” Magnus said, “That one’s different.” “It is my happy grin, just the one you don’t usually see. It’s, look, it’s not a big deal.” Sentry made circles with his left wing as he searched for an explanation. “Like, everything’s jake. Am I using that right?” “You are, but not the point.” Magnus thought for a moment then gave a sleazy grin. “You got the hots for the Princess?” “No,” Sentry deadpanned, “I don’t.” “Ah, that sounds like denial.” Magnus laughed. “You a real gold digger, eh? Well, actually, I guess you might be more of a cake-eater after seeing all those mares goin’ gaga for ya on the field the other day.” “No, Magnus, I don’t have the hots for Twilight,” Sentry grumbled, “She’s not interested in me anyways. Made that clear after several visits to the Empire.” “Oh? That’s why you aren’t going for it then? Well, can’t leave ya hanging kiddo, how about we have another contest? A big one.” “Oh,” Sentry’s ears perked up in excitement. “What’s it this time?” “First one to get Twilight to agree to a date.” “What?” Sentry yelled as his cheeks flushed red, “We can’t do that!” “We can, and we will.” Magnus threw a wing over Sentry’s back. “Come on, Sentry. This will be a good push to get you to ask your crush and if I happen to win, I can get a nice evening with the Princess and maybe some consensual cuddling.” “This is a dumb idea, Magnus.” Sentry frowned. “Potentially lethal knowing what I know about Twilight.” Magnus groaned. “Okay, fine. How about this?” Magnus stopped along with Sentry. “In addition to getting a date with the Princess, which should have been the only motivation you needed, the winner can demand the loser anything they want afterwards.” Sentry stared at Magnus then tilted his head quizzically. “Anything?” “Anything.” Magnus saw Sentry’s tail wag behind him and his eyes lit with sparks of excitement. “Okay, yeah, okay. Let’s do it. I’m down. I’ll be the, uh, what was the word, cake-eater!” “Not how you use that word but whatever gets your flank in gear.” “Awesome.” Sentry smirked at Magnus. “You wanna race back to the barracks?” Magnus grinned. “You’re on.”
Struggle BuggyChariots were a useless invention. Well, back in the old country at least. In modern times, they are useful to the earth ponies and unicorns that are not blessed with flight, however, from where I came from, all pegasi could fly. Those that couldn’t ended up bumped off and fitted for a coffin. Harsh? Yes, but it was just the time period. Couldn’t fly? You got blipped off shortly by raiders or a monster that liked easy grub. Didn’t matter what you did or how much help you got. Flying meant survival and if you lacked the ability you didn’t last long. I lost a lot of my closest pals that way; lost a wing instead of a limb, and ended up dead to some trouble boy packing heat. I even lost my main squeeze at the time to something similar. Sky Heart, bless her. She was a few spanners short of a full set, but had a lot of love to give. I didn’t care that she had a bad wing. I found it cute. I don’t think there’s a day that goes by that I don’t wish I was there when she got herself into a jam. Some dumb dora thought they could get rich quick. Chose a dragon as a mark. The target was lousy with bits and Sky Heart agreed to that stupid broad’s scheme because she thought she could buy me out of the military draft. Like I said, she was a few spanners short. Doing something like that when all she needed to do was stay safe at home. Off the ground. But, she didn’t. She agreed to be the look-out for the grift and was the only one that never came back. What a damn maroon. I still miss her. Anyways, what was I getting at? Right, chariots. Useless. A few years before I ended up joining the Pillars, a bunch of saps started getting into building wooden carts that were meant to be strapped onto two or more pegasi and used to fly through the sky. Problem was that everypony could already fly. What use was a wood sky box that required other pegasi to pull it when the only passengers available to ride in them would have been other perfectly able flyers? The whole thing was bunk. I was apparently the only one that thought so. See what happened is that ponies started making the chariots more and more elaborate as time went on. Plush interiors, gold rims, and even full wooden figureheads on the front. The Janes got wind of it and decided that if stallions were spending so much time on these weird contraptions then they must be worth something right? They were wrong, but the damage was already done. Now, every gold digging broad in the township decided that chariots, the most useless invention of the old pegasi, were what determined the quality of a stud. So, suddenly, every grifter, lounge lizard, and goon were building these useless vehicles that nopony needed that were only brought out when some poor sap was making a pass at a mare with some good tail. We called them struggle buggies. Vehicles only used when some mug was trying to attract a sheba for a night that would be mostly forgettable. For the sheba. The goon that landed her would be bragging about it to his guys for weeks afterward. Over time, the term moved from the chariot to the pony. A struggle buggy wasn’t a chariot used to pick up mares. No, it now applied to a stallion that only picked up mares. Badly. A struggle buggy had no skills outside of the most basic of charm and some limited sex appeal. Not the most promising traits on a potential squeeze. Now, the reason I’m telling you all of this is to give context because I happen to know a certain huge pegasus that one might consider appropriate for the word. It was sunny. Flash Magnus and Flash Sentry - or the Flash Disasters as their units liked to affectionately refer to them as - stood in one of Canterlot castle’s training fields. This one was special in that it was covered in grass and had a single dirt path that cut through the center of the area connecting the solar wing to the lunar half of the castle. Magnus pulled Sentry in close with a wing. Sentry stiffened in response. “Alright, struggle buggy,” Magnus said to Sentry. “What does struggle buggy mean?” Sentry asked. “Nothing important, kiddo,” Magnus replied, “Now, focus. Your future moll is going to be coming down that path for their morning trot and you wanna not look like a complete mug.” “Moll? Mug?” Sentry furrowed his brow in confusion. “You haven’t taught me those words yet either. Also, I thought we were both trying to woo Her Majesty. Isn’t that the whole point of this?” “Sentry.” Magnus turned Sentry toward him and grabbed Sentry’s head in his hooves. “Look at me.” Sentry’s eyes widened with a happy gleam and a beaming smile. “Yes, sir, Magnus, sir.” “Wise head,” Magnus grumbled, “Look, our respective mark is comin’ through those doors in less than five minutes and is going to see a bunch of sheiks in armour.” Magnus gestured towards the other guards milling about with his free wing. “So, how do we make her think we’re the bee’s knees and better than the rest of these lounge lizards?” Sentry blinked. “Bees have knees?” “Sentry.” “I need to know!” “It’s a figure of speech.” Magnus sighed. “You gotta focus, focus, focus!” “Right, right.” Sentry bobbed his head up and down. “I’m focusing.” Sentry looked out to the training field with an intense look on his face. Guards of their unit were taking advantage of the sunny weather to relax after completing their drills for the day. Sentry glanced toward the door to the solar wing of the palace where he knew that Her Majesty Twilight Sparkle was scheduled to arrive from on her daily walk. It happened everyday without fail and as the royal guard they needed to have it memorized. Literally. Nopony wanted another lecture on proper scheduling from Her Majesty. “Uh.” Sentry bit his lower lip as he tried desperately to think of something. “We could make honey?” “Still stuck on the ‘bees knees’, huh?” “I need to know, Magnus!” Sentry whined. Magnus massaged his forehead with a hoof. “I don’t even know what I was expecting from a peppy mug like you.” Magnus pulled Sentry closer to him as Sentry’s face flushed red from the contact. “Ritzy shebas like Her Majesty like a stallion that can work, right?” Sentry nodded tentatively. “So, we show her we can work.” Magnus smirked. “Get a sweat going. Show off the sex appeal. Give the broad some sugar to get the mind thinking. Come on, Bo. We’re in the training field.” Magnus frowned. “A training field. How do we do that?” Sentry was feeling some discomfort with how heated his body was getting in close proximity to Magnus. “Sweating?” Sentry gulped. “Like, sweating together?” Magnus gave Sentry a flat look. “You make it really hard to not want to bump you off at the first opportunity.” Sentry grinned. “Oh, wait. I know that one!” “Of course you do.” Magnus sighed. “Okay, let’s make this duck soup.” Magnus shoved a hoof in Sentry’s mouth before he could speak. “I’ll teach you the term later. We’re going to do wing ups. Show off a real fella’s assets.” Magnus removed his hoof from Sentry’s mouth. “Sweat?” “Strong muscles, ya mug,” Magnus deadpanned. “Oh, yeah, that.” Sentry chuckled nervously. Magnus rolled his eyes. “Look, just do what I do.” Magnus trotted closer to the path and then dropped to the ground. He braced himself with his front legs tucked underneath him, his back legs planted firmly on the ground behind him, and his wings splayed flat, but tucked close to his body. He braced his core, held his breath, and, exhaling as he ascended, lifted himself up with his wings until they reached their full length. He released a grunt at the peak of his push up then lowered himself back to the ground slowly using his wings. Sentry had stared at Magnus through the entire process with a blank expression on his face and biting his lower lip. Magnus turned to Sentry from his position on the ground and then flicked his head towards the spot adjacent to him. Sentry blinked in confusion at what Magnus was trying to tell him. Magnus rolled his eyes and did a small wing up. Sentry finally clued in and raced to the spot Magnus had indicated. Once in proper position, Sentry copied Magnus’ motions exactly, and, once back on the ground, turned to Magnus for his approval. Magnus nodded with a grin and began his second rep. Sentry followed closely behind. After several wing ups, Sentry said, “This is pretty easy.” Magnus grunted. “Yeah, it is.” “Shouldn’t we up the difficulty?” Flash pondered for a moment. “So, we don’t look lily?” “Daisy,” Magnus corrected, “So we don’t look daisy.” He mulled over Sentry’s question. “Yeah, we should. Her Majesty is a ritzy dame. She won’t be impressed by this. Alright, we can’t cheese it, so we’ll have to pull out the big guns.” He whistled for the attention of several soldiers lounging nearby. “Over here, lads.” The soldiers trotted over to the Flashes. They were six earth pony stallions of roughly equal size. Average height, but stocky. Typical of the royal guard. Once they had arrived, both Sentry and the guards looked expectantly to Magnus, unsure of what he wanted. Magnus flicked his head back at the guard closest to him. “Hop on, kiddo.” The soldier stared at Magnus blankly. “What?” “Get on my back,” Magnus said, “Weights are for grifters. We’re going to show Her Majesty the Real McCoy, which means making it interesting.” The guard kept his blank expression before he shrugged. “Alright. Not the weirdest request I’ve been given from a superior.” The stallion trotted behind Magnus. He sized up his approach, decided his best course of action then climbed on top of Magnus with his back legs situated underneath him and his front legs dangling on either side of Magnus’ head. “Oof,” Magnus said, “Not the lightest load are ya, kiddo?” The stallion grunted in response. Magnus braced himself once more and, with significantly more effort, performed five wing ups with the stallion laying on his back. By the fifth, sweat was glistening down Magnus’ body and his breaths had become more laboured. Magnus dropped to the ground after his final rep. He laughed and turned towards Sentry who had watched him the entire time. Magnus looked at him expectantly with a wild grin on his face. The stallion on top of him appeared to be having a nap. Sentry blinked once then turned to the other soldiers still waiting nearby. All of them had looks of trepidation and, weirdly to Sentry, excitement on their faces. “Could one of you come over here and mount me?” Sentry then mumbled under his breath, “That didn’t sound right.” The five guards looked at one another. After some shoving and quiet bickering, one guard was pushed towards Sentry. The volun-told stallion stepped forward with a glare towards his compatriots and turned towards Sentry to focus on the rather odd task of climbing onto his back. Unlike Magnus, the stallion had to exert an amount of effort to get themselves situated onto Sentry’s back due to the height difference. After a short period of struggle, the guard was situated the same as his companion on Magnus’ back. Said companion released a loud snore. Once Sentry confirmed the guard was secure, he proceeded to do five reps like Magnus and was left in a similar state on the ground. “Now what?” Sentry asked. Magnus gave a manic grin. “We build the tower higher.” He whistled and flicked his head towards his back. “Come on, lads. Let’s keep it going.” Another disagreement broke out amongst the remaining guards and two were eventually shoved forward. Whilst grumbling, both managed to climb onto their individual guard stacks. The guard on Magnus’ back yelped when the guard tasked with climbing Magnus flopped on top of him. The guard on Sentry snickered. “Are you sure this is okay?” Sentry asked nervously. “Everything’s Jake, Sentry.” Magnus smirked. “Unless of course, you’re just some pretty face?” Sentry snorted. “Let’s do it.” Magnus and Sentry did a second set of three. By the third, both Flashes struggled to lift off the ground and only just barely managed to finish. Both laid on the ground sucking in gulps full of air. The stallion stacks for their part were cheering them through their reps. Magnus was about to tell the other two to hop on to the stack, but Sentry beat him to it. “Get on,” Sentry called out. Magnus grinned. The last two guards, having got caught up in the excitement, braced themselves in a downward position and leaped onto the stack of ponies. Both Flashes released a grunt as they felt the sudden weight on their backs. By then, several groups of guards and some castle staff had gathered around them and were placing bets on the likelihood of their success. Once both Flashes ensured the stallions were secure in their piles, Magnus and Sentry braced themselves and pushed up. By the halfway point both were wobbling under the strain of lifting three full grown stallions. Their legs were threatening to give out. Veins bulged from their necks. Finally, agonizingly, through sheer force of will, they managed to reach the apex of their rep. The crowds cheered alongside the guards piled on top of the Flashes. Both Flashes looked at each other grinned. Then their legs gave out from under them. What followed was a jenga tower of toppling stallions. Their fall, however, was halted by an intense glow of magenta surrounding them. All the fallen guards were carefully placed back on their hooves safely on the ground. Magnus and Sentry, both panting heavily in exertion, looked up to see Her Majesty Twilight Sparkle press through the crowd and looked down on them with an unamused expression on her face. “I see that incident from the other day was a pattern and not a one-off event,” She stated imperiously. “Impressive, eh?” Magnus grinned while fighting back the urge to groan from how sore his body was. “Us two regular studs pushing our limits like that.” Sentry, for his part, had the decency to avert his eyes from Twilight when she turned to look at him. Twilight turned back to Magnus and quirked a single eyebrow. “That is a sentence that could be used to describe what just happened. I’ll try to refrain from saying how I would describe it.” “Like what?” Magnus said, “The most exhilarating thing you’ve ever seen?” Sentry covered his head with his wings. “Sure,” Twilight replied dryly, “Let’s go with that.” Her Majesty then gracefully left the scene and continued her morning trek through Canterlot Castle. “Looks like we’re hitting on all eight, Sentry.” Magnus lifted a hoof towards Sentry. Sentry groaned. He peeked through the feathers of his wings, rolled his eyes, and bumped Magnus’ hoof with one of his own.
You Ate My EarsFilocuse. Located southeast of the dragonlands, past a massive range of mountains, and a short glide over two rivers most notable for their crisscrossing figure eight pattern. That was where home was. The city was built above a basin surrounded by a jungle. Vapours harvested from the basin were used to form the cloud foundations from which the city was built. Structures that required ground access were kept on massive wood platforms built from hollowed out logs. We had no walls, but never needed them. The basin provided all we needed to form any weather condition we could conceive of and was our primary defense against raiders and their ilk. What was it like living there? Well, there was an animal native to the region that truly represented the spirit of the town. Let me tell you about the banshees. They were small furry, bipedal creatures with long tails, small rounded ears, and huge eyes that took up half their face. Early banshees were coloured similar to the forest whilst generations closer to mine were similar in colour to ponies. They were clever little bastards. Those skid rogues would make a patsy out of any pegasus that was unlucky enough to be near them when they felt like stirring the pot. Every resident of Filocuse was a mark to them. A maroon. Somepony to grift, but not to earn hard spinach. Nah, Banshees were in it for one thing and one thing only: entertainment. And every pony in Filocuse were their show ponies. They had a lot of different grifts but by far my favourite was the origin of another of my favourite idioms: you ate my ears. Before we get into that, let me tell you that banshees are loud. Like a broad dressed in her swankiest dress and ready to gold dig for some schlubs packing the bees. A banshee’s main defense against enemies was to scream their bloody conks off. One time while on patrol, I witnessed a jungle croc decide to go after a banshee that had been gathering food on the jungle floor. I had cozied up into a nearby tree and covered my ears preemptively knowing what was bound to happen. This hatchet stud with big teeth and a scaly hide crawled on up to the banshee dressed up in glad rags that it had swiped from a recent gooseberry lay. It thinks since it's a big bad predator it can take the banshee on, but that critter turned around, sized the croc up like a sheba judging a smoked drugstore cowpony and scoffed. Scoffed! The banshee is about to bluenose the wannabe pred when the croc lunges towards him. The banshee turned around, gave it the good ole stink eye and screamed. That croc dropped from the sheer vibrations of the banshee’s scream. The banshee stepped closer and the croc started shaking. Its eyes rolled in it’s sockets, and spit foamed out its mouth. Once the shaking stopped, the banshee nodded its head, bit the poor mugs’ ear holes and lammed off with a bounty of food. I waited for the ringing in my own ears to die down before gliding down and confirming the croc’s death. The big baddy got bumped off by a screaming monkey a quarter of its size. The important takeaway is to never make a banshee mad unless you got fast getaway sticks to back it up. So, banshees are these shit disturbers that are able to scream loud enough to bop off a critter unfortunate enough to hear them. Now, what do you think they did to the residents of Filocuse? Pranks. They pulled pranks. Deadliest creature in the basin and they spent their time making fun of us. Alright, now picture this. You’re in the middle of a big move. New house, full cart of your belongings parked in the front yard. You sized up the boxes, stacked them one too many on your back, and are now regretting your ego halfway to the front door. Enter the banshee. Little bastard sits just out of sight, sizes you up and decides on the perfect timing to mess with you. It sneaks in close, climbs along the boxes, and hangs just short of where your ears are located. You’re close to your home. On your right is a nice flower garden. The banshee waits another moment then, while in mid step, screams right into your ear. You stumble, and fall into the now crushed flower bed. Boxes fall to the ground. The banshee nicks your ear with its teeth, never enough to draw blood, then runs off cackling. You’re left cussing in a bush. Damn near perfect sting. Thus was born the phrase ‘you ate my ears’ after that weird habit of the banshees biting the ears of anything they scream at. Ponies used it to describe some smo with a big set of pipes on them that would just bellow at a decibel no pony was comfortable with. The poor victims could only brace for when the nibbles came. Despite their tomfoolery, they were beloved by the ponies of Filocuse. We chased off the predators that hunted them, and left them food during the harsher months. In times of danger, the banshees were the first to be on the frontlines. There wasn’t a single battle that happened where you wouldn’t see them perched on the backs of our soldiers with Tarturus in their eyes. It made sense really that they became extinct shortly after Filocuse fell from the sky. Both Flashes stood just outside of the Canterlot Royal Library, or, as many of the castle staff called it when she couldn’t hear them, Her Majesty’s personal book fund. Seated inside was Her Majesty Twilight Sparkle on a plush cushion with her nose buried in a book about theoretical magic. Surrounding her was one of Her Majesty’s patented book forts. The columns were made from thick periodicals, the fundamentals of the world, and the roof made from fictitious romances, high out of anypony’s reach so as not to be tempted to read trash. “Alright, struggle buggy.” Magnus leaned back from peeking through the door and turned to his compatriot. “Time to sing.” “You still haven’t explained what struggle buggy means to me.” Sentry had his head hung low and fidgeted in place with hooves tip tapping on the marble floors. “I also don’t understand why we’re dressed to the nines.” “Slick use of the phrase, Sentry. Also, I’ll tell you later. Right now we have to focus on the prize.” Magnus gave a wide toothy grin. “We’re dressed up all ritzy because we’re going for the clincher. Ain’t no broad alive that can resist a sheik in a suit.” Magnus struck a confident pose. His mane was gelled back into a red wave, he had rose bud studs in his ears, and he wore a red rose patterned suit over a black undershirt with a matching tie around his neck. Sentry was dressed equally up to scale in a simplistic blue suit over a white undershirt with a matching wing patterned tie. His mane had been tamed into a loose pompadour, but was hard pressed to be seen with his wings covering his head. Two maids trotted by, turned back to look at the Flashes as they passed and giggled to each other. Sentry attempted to hide more within his wings, but found some difficulty since he was approximately the size of a pull cart. “I just don’t know why we’re so dressed up to serenade Her Majesty.” Sentry peeked at Magnus through his wings, blushed, and re-covered them. “I mean couldn’t we wear our guard armour or nothing? Nothing would actually be much preferable to this.” Magnus smirked. “Oh, skipping to the fun bits, eh? Showing the sugar is a good way to get the attention of a ripe tomato.” Sentry’s head shot up out from behind his wings. “We don’t wear clothes by default!” Sentry attempted to glare at Magnus, but turned away when he saw him in his suit again. “I know during your time period, everypony wore clothes, but nowadays ponies only wear anything for formal events.” Sentry mumbled under his breath, “And when two ponies are really intimate with each other.” “It’s fine, struggle buggy.” Magnus punched Sentry lightly in the leg. “Just think of this like a big bash with an audience of one swanky dame.” Magnus frowned. “Unless you really are uncomfortable. We can still run back to the barracks, swank down, and make it back in time to serenade Her Majesty.” “It’s not that I’m uncomfortable.” Sentry peered at Magnus through the corner of his eyes. “Or not okay dressing up like this. I guess I’m just not used to it.” Sentry took a deep breath and met Magnus’ gaze. “You know what? It’s fine.” Sentry grinned. “Gotta look swanky for the moll, right?” Magnus returned the grin. “That we do, bo.” “What’s that word?” Sentry asked. “Bo?” “Yeah. I’ve heard you use it before and been meaning to ask you what it means.” “Oh it's like, saying ‘bud’,” Magnus explained, “But you’re supposed to only use it for your ‘best’ bud. Don’t use it much since I find it to be a lot more intimate than what it's supposed to be used for.” Sentry bounced on his hooves. “Can you use that as my nickname?” “What, ‘bo’?” Magnus asked. “Yeah,” Sentry said happily, “I prefer that over whatever struggle buggy is.” Magnus stared at Sentry perplexed for a moment then smiled warmly at him. “Alright, I don’t normally cave to demands, but I’ll make an exception for you, bo.” Sentry’s wings fluttered excitedly at his side at Magnus’ use of his new nickname. Magnus snorted at the antics of his companion. “Alright, now that that’s squared off, we got some words to serenade to Her Majesty.” Sentry stopped. “Oh, right. That.” “Yes, that. Ready?” “No.” “Perfect, let’s do this.” Magnus trotted through the open library doors with a reluctant Sentry following close behind. They both stopped short a respectable distance from Her Majesty and stood at attention. “Well met, your Majesty,” Magnus greeted. Twilight looked up from reading a passage about multithreaded time loops and looked over the Flashes with a slightly peeved expression. She closed her eyes, counted to ten, opened them, and released a weary sigh when she found both of them still standing before her. “Flash Magnus, Flash Sentry.” Twilight nodded her head to both as she stated their names. “Considering your attire, I presume it is far too late to hope that you are here on guard business?” “We have come to serenade you, your Majesty. We have both personally written poetry for your enjoyment,” Magnus announced confidently. Sentry, instead of a verbal response, nodded quickly and shuffled in place. “Of course you are.” Twilight sighed. “Can I refuse?” “No,” Magnus immediately replied, brokering no argument. Twilight massaged her forehead with her left wing. “Fine, hopefully this won’t be as bad as the first drafts of Rainbow Dash’s fanfiction or at least shorter. Let’s get this over with.” Twilight waved a hoof in the Flashes’ direction. Magnus grinned in response and turned to Sentry. “You wanna start us off?” “You first,” Sentry said, “Please.” Magnus nodded, stepped forward, planted his hooves firmly underneath him, and cleared his throat. He then sang out several verses in a deep timber. Her Majesty whom cares for those of our land, Majestic as the vapour that rises from the basin Thou are similar to that of the cloud, Floating through yonder blue skies Like the cloud you are a shelter A shelter against the harsh sun of the day, Against hardships that may befall your charges Comfort needed in times of stress An inspiration to all those that care to look up A bastion of safety in the open sky A caretaker of limitless compassion, Endless in their kindness In dark times, as storms roll in, You are the blessed water that falls from it You are like the rain Soothing to the touch, A chill against glaring sun Rejuvenation after hardship We stand before majesty, before grace A mare like no other Twilight stared at Magnus with a shocked expression. Magnus, in turn, stood with his chest puffed out and a wide grin on his face. “That wasn’t terrible.” Twilight blinked. “That was actually almost good. It was definitely looser than most odes I’ve read about before, but certainly better than what I was expecting.” Twilight gave a round of applause by stomping her hooves. “Well done, Flash Magnus.” “Thank you, Your Majesty.” Magnus gave a mock bow. “I’ve had plenty of time to refine my skill with the guys between waiting for raiders to appear and after they got chilled off.” “It shows and if that was the opener, I admittedly find myself excited for the second.” Twilight turned to Sentry. “Flash Sentry?” Sentry stared at Magnus. His ears were perked, his tail wagged ever so slightly behind him, and his wings fluttered happily at his sides. He had a starstruck expression on his face. “Sentry?” Twilight said. Sentry jumped in surprise. “Sorry, I was really engrossed in the poem, your Majesty. Could you repeat what you just said?” “I presume you also have a poem to present or ‘serenade’ as it were.” “Oh, yes I do, your Majesty.” Sentry cleared his throat. “Just have to prep the tubes first.” “Pipes,” Magnus corrected and then with concern, “You okay, Sentry? You seem pretty distracted.” Magnus gave a mischievous grin. “You were that awestruck by the words rolling out of my kisser?” “No! I mean yes. I just really enjoyed your-” Sentry scrambled to remember what Twilight had said earlier. “Ode? Yeah, your ode. It was really good.” “Alright, long as you’re still good to go.” Magnus waved a hoof. “Whenever you’re ready, bo.” Sentry smiled at the use of Magnus’ nickname for him. He started his ode in a melodic tone. Higher in pitch than Magnus, but with more power behind his voice. A mare of the night and day Sparkling with the stars A splash of colour on display Shining beacon to us all Sentry looked at Magnus out of the corner of his eyes. He had Magnus’ rapt attention. Fiery and sweet, a taste of no compare Pushing the limits with no care to the rest Eyes filled with heat, burning under their glare Unique, different, always the best Passionate speech, words never tiring Addicted to the rush of everyday running Can’t stop listening; Just too inspiring Can’t stop looking; Equally as stunning You don’t see me do you Waiting for you to see Take a plunge; Red mixed with Blue Hoping for you to be with- Sentry stopped mid line. His eyes widened in shock as he caught up to what he had been reciting. Twilight quirked a single eyebrow. Magnus grinned widely at Sentry’s display. “Wow, bo. That was some fine work, though you got a little jingle-brained at the end there. Also, I don’t remember those last verses from when we were practicing.” “I forgot the rest of it and improvised.” Sentry turned away from Magnus and rubbed his right leg with a wing nervously. “Just got lost in the words and found some inspiration.” “That's some impressive improvising. Didn’t realize you were an actual poet or I would have stepped up my game. What was your inspiration?” “My what?” Sentry replied. “Your inspiration,” Magnus repeated, “You said you became inspired by the second stanza.” Sentry went rigid. “I was thinking about Her Majesty’s previous heroic feats. She has a very fierce disposition.” “Huh,” Magnus said quizzically, “Seems square I guess.” Twilight allowed her second eyebrow to join the first. She turned to address Magnus. “Really?” Twilight stated dryly. Magnus tilted his head in confusion, then perked up when he thought he had caught onto what Twilight was implying. “Oh, you think Sentry’s serenade was better than mine even though he flubbed the ending.” Magnus smirked. “Hey, I’m a big colt, your Majesty. I can take a loss.” Twilight shook her head. “Not what I was trying to imply, Magnus, however explaining why would be a disservice to the other involved party. Now, as it appears you are both finished, I will be taking my leave, as my allotted personal time has since run out.” A burst of Twilight’s magic teleported all of the displaced books back to their proper place including, if not begrudgingly, the romance novels. “Despite my initial reservations, I will admit that it was highly enjoyable.” “Anytime, your Majesty,” Magnus said, “Always content to provide you with a show.” Sentry simply settled for a nervous grin. Twilight acknowledged with a short nod and trotted forward towards the exit. She stopped next to Sentry and leaned in close to his ear. “Good luck trying to get that dense horse over there to clue in,” Twilight whispered. “Thank you, your Majesty,” Sentry whispered back with red cheeks. Her Majesty smiled gently and continued her trot out of the library. Magnus approached Sentry with an excited gleam in his eyes. “Well, well, well, bo. Seems you’re getting ahead of this old darb.” Magnus jostled Sentry with a gentle rap of his wing. “Might be a sure victory for you yet.” “Right, a sure win for me.” Sentry chuckled awkwardly before perking up as a thought occurred to him. “Hey, Magnus? The winner can demand one thing from the loser, right?” “Those were the terms as agreed.” Sentry bounced lightly on his hooves as an idea formed. “And you said the winner could demand anything,right?” Magnus furrowed his brow in confusion. “Again, yes. That was the wager.” Sentry’s grin grew to manic proportions. “Perfect.” “Uh, everything jake, Sentry?” Magnus asked, “You seem a little goofy right now.” “Of course, everything’s jake, Magnus,” Sentry exclaimed excitedly, “Everything is super jake, fantastic jake even.” Magnus chuckled. “Well, glad you’re finally getting into the spirit of things.” Magnus put on a cocky grin. “So, anyways for our next plan I was thinking-” “My turn,” Sentry interrupted. “What?” “You picked the last two things we tried. I should get a chance to pick one.” “Oh, alright. Always happy to hoof over the reins,” Magnus said, “What do you have in mind, bo?” “Well, you keep saying we should leverage our sex appeal.” Sentry leaned in close to Magnus with a sleazy grin on his face. “Did you know that Her Majesty uses the public co-ed bath?” Author's Note Filocuse is a wordplay on the ancient Greek city of Syracuse and a type of feather known as the Filoplume. Magnus' poem/serenade was an ode, popularized in Ancient Greek. Sentry's poem/serenade was a ballad, which comes from Europe (late middle ages), and is what most modern music follows. Both did so in freestyle because the Flashes would never follow such strict guidelines past two lines.
Do the DuckBack in the old country, yes I’m still using that, the pegasi of Filocuse had many enemies. There were the minotauran raiders who simply wanted anything that we had, dragons that wished to hoard any amount of wealth we could manage to scrape together, and vicious predators who had a taste for pony flesh. However, worse than all of them combined were the basin ducks. I hear you mugs laughing, but basin ducks were a menace. They were worse than the average monster because they were personally problematic. A scourge upon the unsuspecting bathers of Filocuse. Now, before I get into specifics let me tell you about what these no good trouble boys looked like. They were light blue birds that walked on two webbed feet and were covered in mottled dark blue spots. They appeared adorable with those big beady black eyes until they opened their bills and revealed several rows of tiny sharp teeth. And that there is the kicker. Basin ducks weren’t herbivores like their cousins across the way. No, they were carnivores and they had a rather obsessive love of eggs. Those goons would pull any graft they could if it meant they got to sate their cravings. No crime was too much if it meant an egg down their gullet. The type of egg they were most obsessed over though were pegasus eggs. Before you ask, Filocusan pegasi did not lay eggs and you would be liable to get socked right in the conk if you implied they did. Us pegasi laying eggs was a common insult from the minotaurs and it was an old joke the first time they told it. Basin ducks were just dumb. They saw ponies with wings, assumed they were some kind of bird, then reached the “logical” conclusion that they simply must lay eggs despite there being no proof of it. They congregated primarily around the jungle basin, a cavernous complex of several hundred pools of fresh water. The various pools and areas of the basin were divided up by purpose. For example, one group of pools was strictly for the animal inhabitants of the jungle while another was for drawing drinking water. Now, how these damn fakeloo artists would set up their graft is they would sit by the edges of the designated bathing pools and wait for a mark to appear. They probably assumed we came to ground level when we wanted to lay our imaginary eggs when really us poor saps just wanted to not smell like we’d been rolling around in dung heaps the entire day. The ducks would then deploy one of two tactics: ‘sneak’ or ‘trick’. Basin ducks were incredibly quiet when they wanted to be. Could get in and out of any situation without nary a peep and their target none the wiser. This never worked against pegasi though because after so many unsuccessful attempts to gather eggs that don’t exist, they would start to pant everytime they got close to what they thought was their quarry. Nothing creepier than when you’re trying to scrub your back and all you hear is heavy breathing behind you. Tricks were the more common fare the ducks would employ. One duck would ensure the mark was focused on them by purposefully drawing attention to themselves through knocking over objects and snatching various articles of clothing. Once, a mark’s attention was caught up in the grift, a second duck would sneak up behind the victim and make off with its prized nothing. Well, not completely true. They almost always managed to bite some fur off the poor victim’s flanks. After the inevitable failed grift, the basin ducks would then sit within sight of the mark. They would visibly vibrate in place while growling around a beak full of pilfered fur and feathers. You could always tell who the most frequent bathers of Filocuse were by how much fur they still had on their flanks at any given time. Thankfully, we wore togas. I was ambivalent towards the creepy birds, even pitied them some, until one day I went down to the basin with a good guard buddy of mine for some ‘private time’ together. Stratus was a real keeper. Best pair of wings of any member of the guard and a set of flanks that always had my motor running on full throttle. Spent a lot of downtime with that stallion. Anyways, we were in the middle of some rather inventive uses of a wash brush and I was just getting ready to start the main event. What I hadn’t realized was that a basin duck had decided I was their next mark and was getting ready to search for some eggs. That dumb dora managed to get in close just as I was hitting my stride on Stratus. Duck took one look at what was happening and decided that if there were eggs it was going to be a result of whatever was going on between the two groaning stallions. Needless to say, the bite marks along my pride and joy are still there, and I have never once been able to hit the high note that I did since then when that dumb duck bit me where it hurts. Which is a bit of a shame since I never knew I could hit a high C. Anyways, we finally managed to resolve the issue a few months afterwards when we made off with some domesticated chickens from a nearby minotauran settlement. The whole raid was mostly due to a general feeling of ‘let’s see how you like it’ after several back to back raids from the minotaurs. One pegasus then wondered if we could use the eggs produced by the chickens as some form of scapegoat so the basin ducks would just steal those instead of attacking us. We started doing it the next day. It worked. Of course, now that the basin ducks were successfully stealing from us, they got smug. They would always try to make it look like they never stole the damn things even though everypony knew it was them. Wherever we placed the eggs in the basin, the ducks would leave behind mane strands to frame some other pony for the crime. Even better, they would always sit just within sight after stealing said eggs looking as innocent as possible to see if their grift managed to pay off. We mostly just played along and did some dramatic rendition of how terrible it is that they managed to steal our precious pegasus eggs. The ducks would snicker and waddle off with their prize. From this behaviour the Filocusans created a new idiom: do the duck. To keep quiet and only observe to avoid taking blame for a crime you may or may not have committed. I found myself doing a lot of the duck that damn day Sentry took me to that stupid bathhouse. The Canterlot Castle bathhouse was located several floors below the main ground floor of the castle. The entrance could be found in the lunar wing and was a massive stone arch set before a long winding staircase. One could always know when they were close to the entrance from the presence of thick hot mist rolling through the hallways. The baths were accessible only by recognized castle staff and enforced by an invisible magic barrier under the stone arch. Any non-staff to attempt entry would find themselves trotting through the compost pit of the solar gardens and thus heading to the public baths shortly after to rid themselves of it. Upon descending the staircase, everypony or creature would be greeted by a massive cavern of gemstone clusters emitting bright light. The entire space was a combination of naturally formed pools filled by waterfalls of steaming water cascading downwards from overhead and pony made constructions along the outer portion of the cave containing various amenities such as saunas, prewash stations, and changing rooms. Additionally, the bathhouse was co-ed, and private. It was considered the greatest perk of working at the castle and a favoured hangout spot. Flash Sentry and Flash Magnus both stood at the bottom of the staircase leading to the bathhouse. Sentry was grinning widely as he surveyed the sparsely populated pools and eventually turned to Magnus with perked ears and tail wagging excitedly. “So,” Sentry asked, “What do you think?” “It’s-” Magnus sought the appropriate words from his steam clouded mind. “Big.” “Sure is,” Sentry replied happily, “Largest bathhouse in Equestria excluding the one in Vanhoover, but that one is really just a bay with an attached spa so it doesn’t count.” “So, this a bathhouse?” “Sure is.” “For washing up?” Magnus turned to Sentry. Sentry returned his look. “Gotta get rid of the grime somehow.” “Only for washing up?” “Until everypony is squeaky clean. Did you not have bathhouses back in your time?” “We… did have those back in my hometown,” Magnus replied carefully. “Were they different then the ones we have now?” Magnus went rigid and turned quickly away to hide his flushed face from Sentry. The truth of the matter was that bathhouses were a carry over from pegasus culture during the unification of the three tribes. Earth ponies had taken to them quickly, but it was another few centuries before unicorns eventually took the dive and joined their hornless brethren. When introduced, bathhouses were touted as communal spaces for ponies to gather together and foster bonds of comradery amongst each other through the simple act of bathing. They were very popular among the masses and near every settlement would have a functioning bathhouse within city limits. If one was to trace their origin through pegasus history, they would find that the practice of communal bathing started in Magnus’ hometown of Filocuse for the same principles as spoken of in modern day. Though, the practice of bathhouse use was somewhat different during the time period. Sentry knew bathhouses as what they were in modern times. Magnus knew bathhouses as a place one went to have open sex. Certainly Magnus agreed that bathhouses fostered close relations, but the meaning meant less talking and more sticking it into any number of other ponies or them into himself. The whole premise was based on a philosophy by the then commander of the Filocusan military that ‘intimacy bred survival.’ Laughed at on initial proposal then lorded over others as fact when it brought forth staggeringly positive results. Ironically, when one knew exactly which buttons to push to cause your fellow soldier to orgasm three times consecutively in your embrace, it was very easy to fight alongside them and understand their thinking in the heat of battle. Despite the oddness of any one soldier having slept with the entirety of their unit, Filocusan units were considered the most effective and powerful soldiers in ancient history. “You could say there are some minor differences in application,” Magnus said. “Huh, neat. You’ll have to tell me about that sometime.” Magnus made a mental note to never do so. “Anyways, Her Majesty should be here shortly, and when she does we should try to offer her a wash to get closer to her.” In a desperate attempt to regain his composure, Magnus smirked. “Well done, Sentry. Way to work the sex appeal right on the onset. Never knew you for a high caliber cake-eater.” “I have my moments.” Sentry grinned at Magnus and fluttered his wings. “Though, Her Majesty won’t be here for a while so we have time to get our pre-wash done.” “Pre-wash?” Magnus asked. “We need to soap and clean off before getting into the pools to minimize how much grime gets caught up in the water,” Sentry explained, “And with you here I can finally get the pre-wash done properly without getting scolded.” Magnus furrowed his brow. “Why would you have not been able to do it properly before?” “Most of the other guards wouldn’t help me out because of how big I am.” Sentry puffed himself up to his full size to demonstrate then giggled shortly after at his own antics. “But this time you can get to all my hard to reach places.” Magnus felt his brain shut down for a moment as he processed what Sentry had said. He was sure it wasn’t what he assumed it was since it was Sentry saying it, but the steam and thoughts about Filocusan bathhouses weren’t doing his mind any favours. He kept finding his thoughts wandering to specific ideas and it was starting to have the unfortunate consequence of making him really wish he had a towel on. “Pardon?” Magnus squeaked. “You know. Places that are hard to reach because I'm bulky and not a unicorn.” Sentry tilted his head to one side. “Like my back?” Magnus forcibly removed the sludge from his brain. “Right, your back. That place that is hard to reach because of your wings and being-” Magnus gulped. “Really... big.” “Yeah.” Sentry looked at Magnus with concern. “Everything jake, Magnus?” “Oh yeah, everything’s jake, Sentry,” Magnus said in what he hoped sounded confident, “Just trying to get my head in the game,” Magnus then mumbled, “And out of the gutter.” “Okay,” Sentry replied cheerily, “Come on then. Let’s head to the soap station.” Sentry trotted with a bounce in his step to the area Magnus presumed were the aforementioned soap stations. Magnus on the other hoof, found himself having to forcibly tear his gaze away from Sentry’s bouncing flanks and suppress several rather raunchy desires of what he wanted to do with said flanks. Magnus took a deep breath, cleared the errant thoughts from his head, and trotted after Sentry while pointedly only looking at the back of his head. Hopefully, washing up could help keep his mind clear. Magnus stared blankly at Sentry’s outstretched back as rivulets poured down it from an overhead showerhead. He had a fur brush in one hoof and was having difficulty processing the situation he had found himself in. Sentry faced away from him, thank whichever princess took pity on him for that, and all Magnus could focus on was the cascading water running down the ridges of Sentry’s hard back muscles. Magnus actually really had to hoof it to Sentry. Most pegasi neglected their back when working out and, if his trapezius muscles around the wings were any indication, Sentry paid extra attention to those. Every time Sentry re-adjusted his position, Magnus could see those muscles bulge and- He was losing his train of thought again. He turned to see his other hoof to find the soap there. He went about scrubbing it along the fur brush to do as Sentry had asked earlier. Another sentence Magnus had needed him to repeat since his mind had gone in a completely different direction when he had asked him to ‘scrub the soap deeply into his back and flanks’. Magnus was also trying to figure out if he would be able to remove his tail from his underbelly with how much he was using it to cover the evidence of where his mind was currently situated. “Hey, Magnus,” Sentry called out, “You starting soon?” This caused Sentry to tilt slightly onto his right side, which gave Magnus a perfect view of his flanks as they rippled in that direction. “Yep, soon. Definitely. Going to do that right now.” Magnus gulped. “Just deciding on my plan of attack, ya know?” “I don’t really get it since it's just scrubbing my back, but whenever you’re ready I guess,” Sentry said in a questioning tone, “Just make sure to be quick as her Majesty will be here soon.” “Right, her.” Magnus was surprised by the somewhat vehement tone he used. “She’ll be here soon.” Magnus saw Sentry’s ears flick momentarily, which Magnus knew meant he was debating whether to ask something. “You got a question, Bo?” “No, I’m good.” Magnus could hear the smile as Sentry spoke. “Just try not to rip my fur off.” Sentry chuckled. “Don’t need anymore bald spots after the flambé incident.” Sentry laid his head down on the stone tile of the soap station as Magnus had heard Sentry call it earlier. Or was it called a pre-wash station? Magnus honestly didn’t care what it was called at that point because it was quickly turning into a living nightmare of embarrassment. Magnus took a deep breath and focused on the task at hoof. Mainly Sentry’s backside, which was causing a not insignificant amount of turmoil inside of him. He laid the brush bristles down onto the middle of Sentry’s back and started to gently scrub the fur in a circular motion to ensure the section was fully soaped. Once that area was complete, Magnus let the downpour of water wash it off before moving onto the next part of Sentry’s back. As he worked, Sentry began humming a tune. Magnus’ ear flicked and a lazy smile spread across his face. He made a note to himself to ask Sentry for the song after this as he quite enjoyed the melody. He felt himself drift off as he worked, lulled by the steady motions of the brush and melodious tune from Sentry. After an indeterminate amount of time, Magnus realized that the humming had stopped and was replaced by low whimpering moans. Magnus kept scrubbing until he vaguely became aware that somepony was shouting at him. He was struck by the urgency of words and how out of place they were. He was feeling blissful and couldn’t understand why- “Magnus!” Sentry yelled. Magnus jumped as he finally became once again aware of his surroundings. Sentry’s head was turned towards him. His complexion was flushed and he was panting raggedly. He was confused by Sentry’s look this until he looked down. He noticed that while he had been working, he had managed to reach the end of Sentry’s back, bypassed his tail and had started scrubbing rather forcibly against what was underneath it. Magnus threw the fur brush backwards away from him and heard a ‘plop’ sound as it hit the water behind them. “Ah applesauce, Sentry.” Magnus stuttered out as he raised his hooves towards him. “Sorry, I just kinda zoned out and wasn’t-” “It’s fine,” Sentry interjected as he abruptly stood up from where he had been lying down, “Just maybe don’t do that again next time as we seem to have garnered a bit of an audience.” Magnus tilted his head in confusion. He looked around and saw that several other nearby bath goers were staring at them with cheeks as bright as tomatoes. One of the stallions gave a shrill whistle. “Right, right.” Magnus chuckled nervously and used his wings to hide the growing heat in his cheeks. “I’ll keep that one in the ole’ conk. You okay though? Everything jake?” “If you promise to do that again sometime, yes,” Sentry mumbled. “What was that?” “I said ‘everything’s jake’. Oh, look. Her Majesty is here.” Sentry pointed with a wing in the direction of one of the many pools. Magnus turned to look in the direction Sentry pointed to. Magnus saw Her Majesty soaking in one of the far pools reading a book which hovered in her magic well above the water and hid most of her face. “Oh, right, Her Majesty. That was the entire point of coming here. So, Sentry what’s-” Magnus stopped as Sentry trotted past him towards Her Majesty. Magnus galloped after Sentry as he followed him along the edges of other nearby pools. He appeared to be heading towards the waterfall closest to Her Majesty. They were both silent as they trotted together. Sentry determined, Magnus unsure. “Are you sure everything’s jake, bo?” Magnus broke the quiet. Sentry’s ears perked at the use of Magnus’ nickname for him. “Yeah, everything really is jake, Mags. I promise.” Magnus stopped. Sentry did so as well when he realized Magnus wasn’t following and looked back with a wide grin on his face. “Mags?” Magnus asked incredulously. “Yeah.” Sentry then hung his head with his ears pinned back. “Do you like it?” Magnus mulled over the word in his head. “Yeah.” He nodded. “Yeah, I do.” He raised a hoof and glared at Sentry. “But only from you, bo.” Magnus felt a stirring in his chest as he saw Sentry’s face light up. “Oh, good. I was really worried you wouldn’t, um, Mags.” Magnus found himself stuck in place as he felt a complex mix of emotions well up inside of him. He couldn’t place them. He couldn’t understand them. Sentry shuffled awkwardly in place. “Well, since we’re at the waterfall, we’ll take turns appealing to Twilight and ‘work the sex appeal’ like you said.” Magnus turned and saw that they were in fact at the waterfall. There was a grate underneath from which the water poured into as it was funneled to the various pools around the cavern. Hot mist rolled from the impact point between water and metal. “Alright, I guess that’s rad, but how are we going to do that?” Sentry gave a downright lecherous grin that caused a shiver to go down Magnus’ spine. “Really? You have no idea?” “No, I don’t, bo.” Magnus shuffled in place. “Should I?” “I guess not. Though, I suppose I’ll have to take the lead this time. Watch closely, Mags.” Magnus fought back the automatic response of ‘with pleasure’. He instead settled for watching Sentry’s flanks as he trotted towards the waterfall. He really needed to figure out what had him so out of whack. Sentry strode towards the waterfall and waved a wing towards Her Majesty. Twilight briefly peered over the edge of her book and returned the wave with a salute of one of her wings. She lowered her gaze once more and continued reading. Sentry continued his trot until he was under the pounding water of the falls. It cascaded down on him flattening his fur against the underlying skin and outlined every ridge of muscle on his body. Magnus was entranced as Sentry swept his mane back with a wing and released a shower of water behind him that formed a small rainbow from the light of the gemstones. The display showed off everything. Everything. Magnus was becoming increasingly aware of Sentry’s body and was causing some rather obvious effects under the hood. Magnus traced the path of the water and came to Sentry’s tail end. He saw Sentry’s tail dripping wet and showing off far more than Magnus was sure Sentry was comfortable showing. It was driving Magnus absolutely wild. Magnus was bothered. He was feeling really hot and sweaty. His heart was pounding inside his chest. He was almost certain from what he felt that Sentry wasn’t the only one giving a show. He looked around and found several other ponies observing Sentry. Magnus felt angry at the looks that he felt were too rakish. He turned back to Sentry. Sentry was looking right at him. Magnus felt his heart skip a beat. Sentry winked at him as he flexed and spread his wings wide letting the water from above burst on his feathers and break into waves of water. Then Magnus felt uncomfortable in a different way. He became hyper aware of how many ponies were watching, no, ogling him. They stared at him, filled in the blanks, and, from their biting lips and crossed hooves, liked what they saw. Magnus abruptly didn’t want Sentry to do this anymore. He was mad. It was the same feeling as when somepony stole food right from under him. He felt cheated. He felt his brow furrow and an overwhelming urge to sock every dumb mug in the room. He trotted over to Sentry. “We’re done,” Magnus stated in a dark tone. “What?” Sentry asked, startled as he furled his wings, “But I was just getting started.” “And now we’re done!” Magnus exclaimed forcibly. He called out to the onlookers. “We’re done folks! Show’s over.” Magnus turned to a flummoxed Sentry, “We’ll do something else to woo Her Majesty.” “That’s not fair, Magnus.” Sentry pouted and Magnus felt himself tense. “This was my only idea and we did all of yours.” “Well, you can still pick the next one. Just pick something that doesn’t draw in so many gawkers.” Sentry’s ears flattened against his head and he slumped in place. Magnus felt a pang of regret at having been the cause. Sentry turned towards where Twilight had last been bathing. “Well, Her Majesty is still here so we could-” His head shot up as he failed to spot her. “Applesauce, she left!” “Language,” Magnus said, “Also, it’s fine we can try something later. It’s not like there’s an explicit time limit in this competition of ours.” Sentry looked crestfallen as he rapidly scanned over the crowds before turning back towards Magnus. Magnus felt his breath hitch from the watery look in his eyes. Why was Sentry taking this so hard? Sentry’s face set into a determined scowl and he stepped out of the waterfall. He shook himself off, to the disgruntlement of everypony around him including Magnus, until dry. “What are you doing, bo?” “I’m going to ask Her Majesty out,” Sentry stated determinedly, “now.” Magnus felt dread grip his insides as they twisted up from Sentry’s declaration. “You’re doing what?” “I’m asking Twilight out.” Sentry looked at Magnus with a wide grin plastered on his face. “You’re going to hold your end of the bet if she says yes, right Mags?” Magnus stared blankly in shock at Sentry. Without waiting any longer, Sentry launched into the air and flew towards the entrance of the bathhouse presumably to chase after his future marefriend. That was what Magnus wanted from this, right? For Sentry to ask out his crush so they would get together? So his best bud would be happy? Then why did he feel horrible at the mere thought of that? Why did ‘best bud’ have a sour tang attached to it? Magnus stared off at Sentry as he ascended up the staircase to the main castle level. Magnus felt a powerful urge to stop him. He didn’t want him to ask out Twilight. He wanted Sentry to ask out- Before he even realized what he was doing, Magnus had leapt, spread his wings, and flew after Sentry. He was being selfish. He didn’t care. He needed to stop his bo from asking out that harlot.
I am an Open bookIdioms are phrases adapted from silly happenings and used by ponies to describe similar situations. A way to bond with others. To have a knowing laugh with strangers and friends alike. Black day and spidery. Struggle buggy. You ate my ears. Do the duck. Phrases that invoke strange times from a forgotten town that nopony remembers. Sometimes, idioms can be personal. An in-joke between friends and family. Between lovers. I kept an open journal. It sat on my bedside table from the first day I could write to the day before I left with the Pillars to seal the Pony of Shadows. Hundreds of pages of thick, expensive vellum bought for me as a gift from an aunt that wanted to encourage me to write more. Inside I would write my feelings. Just small passages about what made me mad or some incident that when remembered gave me a chuckle. After a long, horrid day of lugging water from the basin, I had returned home to start writing my frustrations down and was surprised to find somepony else had beaten me to it. There were a few passages from Sky Heart inside. She had written heartfelt notes and small poems she had come up with throughout the day as she made clay pots at home. I cried reading those words. It was exactly what I had needed. I started writing back. Pouring my feelings out on the page for her to read. She would reply. Pages and pages were filled with silly love notes, poetry, and sweet nothings. When anypony would say that I didn’t properly show my emotions or communicate how I felt, I would always reply that it wasn’t true as ‘I am an open book’. Sky Heart always giggled at the joke. Then I lost her to that stupid scheme. I missed her. I hated her. I loved her. I was mad, and lonely and wanted to do something, anything, to undo what had happened. But I had the book. When the loneliness became unbearable, I would read all those silly words to make it feel like she was close to me again. It let me move on. To my surprise, every one of my lovers wrote in that book. Weird facts, questions, philosophical debates, short stories, and anything in between. Page after page filled with the words of those I cared about most. Sky Heart. She was killed by a dragon on that ill fated heist. Stratus. He bled out in my hooves when we were ambushed by raiders. Cumulous. She was lost in a tropical storm out by the sea on a military excursion. Sparrow Lark. He wasted away to a disease I refuse to even think about. I loved all of them. I missed all of them. It hurts everytime I think of them. I can still see the last moments I shared with them in my mind’s eye when I think of them. But their loss never bothered me because I had the book. I had hoped Sentry didn’t actually feel that way about me. I was hoping I misread everything. That he just wanted a close friend. I was hoping that Twilight Sparkle would whisk him off his hooves so he could be happy instead of miserable with me. I brought Mistmane with me to Filocuse to search for my book. I found it. It had been destroyed by neglect and the wear of time. The pages were brittle. The ink had long since become illegible. I was told no magic could save it. I don’t know what I expected. I can’t give him my heart. Because when I found my heart again, it was left in tatters on my bedside table. Magnus caught up with Sentry in the corridor just outside her Majesty’s bed chambers. He flapped his wings harder and cut off Sentry about several gallops from the doors. Sentry managed to stop himself with his snout almost touching Magnus’ snout. “Mags? What are you doing here?” Sentry asked, surprised. “Stopping you,” Magnus said through his ragged breaths. “Why?” “Because.” Magnus scrambled to find a valid reason. “I want to win the competition, so I’m here to sabotage you.” Sentry scowled. “That’s not funny, Mags.” Magnus smirked despite the nervousness he felt. “Not a joke, Sentry. Do I look like a sap?” Sentry snorted angrily. “Seriously? Of all the competitions to cheat you pick this one?” “Of course this one.” Magnus snorted derisively. “The biggest prize means I have to bring the heat.” Sentry crossed his wings in front of him. “Right, so what’s the heat then?” Magnus’ eyes darted back and forth as he strived to think of a response. “I’ll stop you from entering her Majesty’s bedroom.” Sentry looked at Magnus unimpressed before smiling. Magnus smiled back. Sentry moved forward. Magnus pushed back. Sentry then reminded Magnus that he was just a few sizes under a draft pony and kept moving forward as Magnus’ hooves skidded across the marble tiles. “Wait!” Magnus called out. “Nope. You are not talking your way out of this.” “What if I bribed you?” Sentry stopped. “What?!” “I’ll get you your favourite licorice everyday for a month.” “Why?” Sentry asked incredulously. “So, I can ask Her Majesty out first?” Magnus said with a hint of uncertainty. Sentry leaned back, covered his head with his wings, and shook violently from what Magnus assumed was screaming. He then brought his uncovered head level to Magnus with a furious glare. “Okay, Magnus. I’ll ask this plainly. What the actual fuck are you trying to do here?” “Winning,” Magnus said confidently. Sentry’s left eye twitched. He opened his mouth to presumably continue yelling, but was cut off by Her Majesty’s bedroom doors slamming open. “WHO DARES DISTURB MY PRIVATE TIME FOR WRITING FANFICTION ABOUT- Oh, it's you two,” Twilight groaned, “I was hoping I wouldn’t need to see either of you anymore today, but evidently this farce is still ongoing.” Both Flashes stood at attention. Twilight rolled her eyes. “Little late for that, studs. Still competing for my hoof in marriage?” “It’s just for a date, Your Majesty.” Magnus stated crisply. “Uh huh, yeah, whatever.” Twilight waved a wing dismissively. “Look this is both irritating and pathetic since I know what one of your intentions actually are in this.” She pointedly looked at Sentry who turned away. “So, let’s make this simple, Flash Sentry?” “Yes, Your Majesty?” Sentry asked. “Got anything to say to me?” “Yes! Would you go on a date with me to the Canterlot Charter bookstore? I’ll pay for any books you want, carry them back to the palace, and then leave you be while remaining silent the entire time.” “What?” Magnus exclaimed. “I agree to your date,” Twilight replied, “And to ensure this does not continue, I, as your ruling monarch, declare that Sentry is the winner of your contest.” Sentry’s tail wagged. “Thank you, Your Majesty!” “Great,” Twilight her wings up in exasperation. “Now, if this has finally been dealt with there is an all you can eat salad bar in Ponyville and I need to destress with some casual conversation with friends.” Twilight gestured towards her bedroom with a wing. “My bedroom is empty, feel free to use it for whatever - just make sure the maids clean up after both of you before I get back. Later, Anserines.” Her Majesty then teleported away in a cloud of sparkles. “What the applesauce was that about?” Magnus shouted. “Me winning.” Sentry snarked. “Winning? You agreed to be Her Majesty’s saddlebags for a day.” “Yep, and Her Majesty also declared that I won.” Sentry smiled maliciously at Magnus. “That means I get to ask one thing of you, no restrictions, and I plan to use it now.” Magnus stared at Sentry dumbfounded. “Alright, then. I don’t get why you’re so eager for this, but fire away, bo.” “Go on a date with me.” Magnus felt his heart stop in his chest. Sentry had his ears pinned back, and was shuffling in place nervously. “You want to go on a date,” Magnus repeated. “Yeah.” “With me?” “That is what I asked.” Sentry grinned. Magnus was well known for always having something to say for every occasion, but Sentry had done what was thought to be impossible. He’d left Flash Magnus speechless. “Was that your goal this entire time?” Magnus asked. “It’s been my goal since I came to Canterlot.” Sentry admitted. Magnus felt his breath hitch. “Explain.” “You're the Flash Magnus. My parents told me bedtime stories about what an amazing hero you were. Are. You were my idol. I had stupid fantasies about going on adventures with you, being best friends, and eventually-” Sentry’s face flushed. “I heard you had joined the Canterlot Royal Guard, and when Shining asked for volunteers to transfer, I was the first in line.” “You-” Magnus stumbled over his words, “From the start?” “Yeah. I was awestruck on the first day. The Flash Magnus challenged me to a sparring match. Then he invited me out to lunch. Then he hung out with me. One day turned into a few months and I was really happy.” Sentry frowned. “I don’t have a lot of friends.” Sentry grinned. “But you stayed! My hero wanted to be around me and we were best friends. It was a dream come true and then I kept thinking about what I wanted next, but didn’t have the courage to ask.” Sentry smirked. “Until the bet.” “To woo Her Majesty?” Magnus was floored, he had not expected this. “You went through all of this to ask me out on a date?” “I know, but like I said I didn’t have the courage to do so. This was the push I needed.” Sentry rubbed the back of his neck with a wing. “You don’t have to go on a date with me.” “I lost the bet,” Magnus replied. “And I just confessed to pining after you for months.” Sentry chuckled weakly. “That probably didn’t shine the best light on me, so if you don’t want to then I won’t force you.” Magnus studied Sentry’s expression. It was a look on the border of hopeful and devastated. Sentry really did want this. It wasn’t some elaborate joke. He’d laid his heart bare to Magnus and Magnus was struggling under the weight of handling something so fragile. He didn’t know what to do. He was stuck, unable to act. He wanted Sentry to be close to him, but did he want him that close? Did he care about him in that way? Did he think of Sentry like he did Sky Heart? Stratus? Cumulous? Sparrow Lark? Was he willing to bare his heart back? Was he ready to? Magnus realized his thoughts were spinning in circles so he focused instead on his emotions. He let go and allowed his heart to do what it wanted instead of listening to his confused brain. Magnus stepped forward. Sentry was a goofball. He was naive. He couldn’t figure out even the most basic things without Magnus to help him. He pined after a fairytale thinking he had a chance to make it come true. Magnus kissed Sentry on the lips. Magnus guessed maybe he could grant him his happily ever after just this once. “Does that mean… ?” Sentry asked. “I’m not a fairytale,” Magnus started, “I’m not as well put together as you think and I feel out of place more often than not, but if you can accept those parts of me… I’m yours.” Sentry laughed happily as tears welled up in the corners of his eyes. Sentry kissed Magnus back. They both felt their kiss was something akin to a bang.
Black Day and SpideryI, being Flash Magnus, always considered the phrase “Back in the Old Country” to be a stupid opener to anything anypony ever said. Saying it immediately told the listener that some old geezer was going to reminisce about some time from their childhood that they lost as the past moved forward into the present. The Pegasi of my grandparents’ time lovedto start nearly every sentence with that phrase. They would always complain about how the current generation never kept with their established traditions and how the Pegasi were worse for it. The problem with that statement is that the “old traditions”, at the time, were anywhere from “slightly crispy” to “burned to ash” some hundreds of kilometers northwest after a migration of dragons decided that the land occupied by us was better fit for them. Never mind the hundreds of thousands of years since that time to present. I decidedly did not like dragons nor did any Pegasus of the time period. Additionally, and decidedly less liked, was that I now found myself relating more and more to my grandparents. An issue exacerbated by being some one thousand or so years displaced in time among ponies that looked, acted, and talked completely different from those I was used to. I, Flash Magnus, a pony that was once lauded as youthfully exuberant, now found myself beginning many sentences with “Back in the Old Country”. Speaking of, Back in the Old Country we used significantly better phrases than nowadays. Mainly, because modern phrases were boring. Raining cats and dogs. Beat around the bush. A bit a dozen. All boring. All uninteresting. They were so completely mundane as to be able to be used whenever anypony wanted in casual conversation. So mundane were these phrases that a pony could potentially miss that another had even said one. How utterly pointless. No, when using a phrase - idiom, I was still moderately behind on modern lingo - it should stand out. When somepony uses an idiom, everypony listening should stop and collectively be required to process what was even said. Then, after thorough examination of the phrase in question, it should be agreed upon that it was the most appropriate use of words given the situation. Which brings me to one of my favourite phr- idioms: A black and spidery day. The idiom in question saw use some time around when, embarrassingly, the Pegasi of my great grandparent’s generation had found a need to move their entire civilization underground due to the aforementioned dragons. To use a modern word to describe them: they were assholes. Regardless, whilst living in an underground cave system there were a large number of threats, but the worst by far were Cave Spiders. They were not the worst because they were dangerous. They were the worst because they were awful. So, say you were enjoying your day as a sheep herder - we wore clothes then, primarily togas and the like that required wool - you would let the flock out to graze on some cave lichen when, suddenly, the ceiling became pitch black and filled with a multitude of tiny red eyes. The swarm, or “cloudfuckery” as they used to call them, would then descend in a pillar of ghastly black, grab several sheep then run off with them. Why did they steal the sheep? Nopony knows! They didn’t eat them because frequently Pegasi would find stolen sheep wandering around randomly in the deeper parts of the caves on expeditions. That means the only possible explanation is that those scummy little bastards were taking them to make us miserable. That theory had only become more likely as the spiders began stealing armour, weapons, cooking utensils, hay bails, rooftops, and, I kid you not, the lettuce off of everypony’s sandwich. Thankfully, they became a non-issue when my grandparent’s generation figured out that living in caves was stupid since we, collectively as a race, could fly and walk on clouds. So, to quickly summarize, one would say that the day would be “black and spidery” when the ceiling turned dark and the spiders decided they wanted to nick something off of you that they liked. Or, if the theories were to be believed, you liked. Overtime, the idiom was adapted with the generations as language is wont to do. My parents used it to describe when an oncoming bank of black clouds were rolling in and about to cause massive property damage with a combination of hail and lightning. My generation used the phrase to describe the traditional greeting of ancient minotauran raiders who would release a barrage of arrows so thick that it blocked out the sky. Eventually, the phrase was used to mean any day that was going to be the most horrible, the most terrible, the most wretched day possible. Let me describe to you several of my most spidery, and most blackest days. Canterlot had a problem. It was the beginning of her majesty Princess Twilight Sparkle’s reign over Equestria and the Royal Guard was found to be inadequate in supporting the Princess through the coming trials of her early rule. This was the public reason. Prince Shining Armour had a problem. His little sister, baby sister, was now ruler of Equestria and there were not enough soldiers to protect her. At least in his opinion. Even after auditing the Guard ad nauseum, a failed endeavor because Shining during his stint as Captain had been quite rigorous on his standards and that had held up over the years, the Guard and by extension his baby sister had refused to do what had to be done. That had left whining. Flash Magnus, as a high ranking officer in the Guard, was present when Shining Armour had petulantly demanded that more soldiers be added to the roster to protect Her Majesty. If Flash Magnus was being honest, he did in fact agree with Her Majesty’s retort that Shining Armour was being an overprotective, obsessive twit with a sister complex. This did not, however, dissuade Shining Armour and the Princess was forced to accept several contingents of the Crystal Empire’s finest temporarily into the ranks of the Royal Guard until such a time that more recruits could be amassed. So, after a nightmare pile of paperwork, several platoons were sent to Canterlot and each of their respective commanding officers were assigned a Royal Guard liaison and companion unit for ease of transition. Flash Magnus was assigned to Flash Sentry. Somepony clearly found the idea amusing. The first day of their meeting was on one of the many training grounds within the Canterlot Castle proper. Each guard was lined up on either side of the field with their respective commanding officer and readying for their first ever joint training exercise. Both Flashes, Magnus and Sentry, met at the halfway marker between both groups. Magnus was a dark orange pegasus with blue eyes. He was slightly shorter than an average pegasus, but made up for it in sleek, lean muscle built for high speeds. He was dressed in the armour of modern times - armour that he felt was too restrictive - and had his dark red tail braided into what was traditional for his time period. Sentry, contrary to Magnus, was a light orange pegasus with blue eyes that was massive compared to the average pegasus. He stood several heads taller than Magnus and wide enough that Magnus questioned how comfortable Sentry’s armour really was. His tail was a rather plain blue cut straight. Sentry looked back at Magnus with a wide doofy grin on his face. Flash Sentry, in the words of modern vernacular, looked like a fucking tool. “Sentry,” Magnus greeted coolly. “Magnus,” Sentry said in a peppy voice, “Super great to meet you. I’ve been looking forward to this ever since I heard of the assignment back in the Crystal Empire.” Sentry raised a hoof. Magnus begrudgingly shook it with his. That, almost impossibly, made Sentry’s grin even bigger. For the first time ever, Magnus regretted his first name. “So, what’s the training regimen for today?” Sentry asked, “I know the training exercises are probably similar to that in the Empire, but I’ll leave it to you to decide for today since we’re the guests here.” “We’ll do the normal routine.” Magnus then smirked as rather fun thought popped into his head. “For the troops anyway.” “Oh?” Sentry said, “What will we be doing?” “Somethin’ a bit more screwy.” Magnus turned towards his contingent. “For now, let’s get this bull session going.” Sentry and Magnus then set to work barking orders and getting the troops started doing basic drills: running laps, strength training, and combat maneuvers. Afterwards, Sentry approached Magnus who immediately trotted off towards another part of the grounds. Sentry ran after him, curious to see what he had in mind. They soon arrived in a dirt circle lined with red chalk surrounded by racks of various weapons utilized by the Guard. Magnus turned to Sentry. “What’s your primary?” “Halberd,” Sentry replied. Magnus whistled. “Swanky.” Magnus grabbed Sentry’s chosen weapon off the rack, a long pole with a single-headed axe blade on one end, and tossed it to Sentry. Sentry grabbed it easily from the air with his right wing and swung it around to rest on his back with the blade facing downwards. “So, what are we doing?” Sentry asked. Magnus smirked and grabbed a reinforced iron shield from the rack and slipped it over his right hoof. He then threw the shield forward like a discus with a small bolt of lightning connected between his hoof and the shield. It sailed through the air and clanged against Sentry’s halberd as he swung it around and quickly blocked the oncoming blow. The shield continued its arc and swept back cleanly onto Magnus’ hoof using the bolt connection. “What do you think ya dumb dora?” Magnus said. Sentry lunged forward, arcing his halberd back away from himself with his wings, and sliced the blade forward in a sweeping motion with a maniacal grin on his face. “I think I’m really going to like it here,” Flash replied. Magnus felt an equally manic grin spread across his face as he met Sentry’s sweep with his shield in hoof. Minutes turned well into an hour as both Magnus and Sentry continued their relentless assault against each other. Soon after, guards from both sides gathered around them and cheered on their respective COs. The back and forth finally ended when Magnus managed to dive underneath a wide sweep from Sentry. He rammed his shield upwards into Sentry’s sternum. Sentry released a gasp as he dropped to the ground. Magnus, for his part, had managed to escape from underneath Sentry and stood overtop him with a smarmy smirk on his face. “Ah, got me real good at the end there, Magnus.” Sentry managed a cheesy grin through the pain. Magnus smirked and held out his free hoof for Sentry to grab onto. “Not bad for a flat tire.” Sentry took the offered hoof with one of his own and Magnus dragged him back onto his hooves. Soldiers in Magnus’ contingent cheered while those in the Crystal Guard groaned. “Ah, take your raspberries and shove em ya hoofers,” Magnus cried out. Sentry laughed. “What are you even saying, Magnus?” “Have a problem with the way I talk, Sentry?” Magnus glared. “Nah, I like it.” Sentry grinned. “Think you could teach me some of those words?” Magnus returned to his typical smirk. “Sure, but before that we have something more important to do first.” Sentry tilted his head to one side in confusion. “What’s that?” “Lunch, and I bet you that I can eat more than you.” “You’re on.” And so, the Flashs’ rivalry began. Everyday was a never-ending barrage of new competitions. Who can lift the most? Sentry. Who can name every soldier in both contingents? Magnus. Who can eat through an entire barrel of licorice before the other? Anyone’s guess as the inevitable fallout made it difficult to discern a true winner. They saw each other every day. They trained together, frequently devolving into an impromptu sparring match. They ate together, a competition of its own making with how much food was swiped between the two of them. Magnus had even begun to consider Sentry a real friend. Then after a month of this gauntlet of trials, the racing started. It was a foregone conclusion really. They were both Pegasi. It was more strange that they hadn’t done so already. It started simple: race you to the castle entrance. Then it escalated. Race you to the barracks. Race you to the bottom of the Canterhorn. Race you to Ponyville. Once distance couldn’t be stretched any longer without causing time troubles, it became a question of skill. Magnus had proven to be faster, and Sentry had been proven to be more enduring. However, what they wanted to know was who was better? Risk became a factor. Racing through mountain peaks, busy streets and bustling markets. Each more harrowing until finally the greatest race of all. The one that ruined everything. Race you through the castle. As previously stated, Sentry was a big pegasus and, as big things are wont to do, momentum can occasionally become a problem. Especially on marble floors. “Sentry, you need to stop!” Magnus called out as he raced behind the sliding pegasus. “Magnus,” Sentry cried as he continued his forward velocity towards the solid wood door at the end of the hallway, “I have hooves!” “Well, figure out the brakes!” “They don’t work like that!” Crash. Magnus winced as he slowed down to a gentle trot. Sentry, all 1200 pounds of him, had smashed through the door and could be seen sprawled out under the remains of what was once a writing desk. He entered the chambers with a grin on his face. “Well, good job, Sentry. Glad to see your turning is-” “What the fuck just happened.” Magnus whipped his head left to see Princess Twilight Sparkle breathing heavily and pinned to a nearby bookshelf. She was dressed in her standard regalia with her dark purple mane askew and violet eyes wide open in panic. “Ah, apologies to Your Majesty.” Magnus bowed. “This sheik over here hit some of the giggle water too hard and challenged me to a race.” “No, I didn’t!” Sentry called out as he struggled to remove himself from the wreckage of the desk, “You trotted up to me, whacked me on the back, and said-” “That you should really stay away from the castle speakeasy,” Magnus tsked, “Really, Sentry. What are we even going to do with you?” Sentry, from his position on the stone floors of what Magnus discerned as one of the castle’s many libraries, glared at him with an unamused scowl. Magnus smiled back. Somepony needed to be the fall guy and Sentry had both literally and figuratively taken the role. “You know what?" Twilight said. "I don’t really care about the reason.” Sentry was wrapped in the magenta glow of her majesty’s magic as he was levitated out of the wreckage of the desk and placed upright on his hooves before them. “Just leave.” “Right away, Princess!” Both Sentry and Magnus crisply saluted and left the room. They trotted down the hallway for a short time before Magnus turned to Sentry and noticed the dopey smile on his face. “What’s that look?” Magnus asked. “Hm?” Sentry turned to Magnus. “What look?” “That one.” Magnus pointed at his dopey grin. “The one you’re wearing right now.” “Oh, this one.” Sentry looked away from Magnus. “It’s just my happy grin, you know?” “I know your happy grin,” Magnus said, “That one’s different.” “It is my happy grin, just the one you don’t usually see. It’s, look, it’s not a big deal.” Sentry made circles with his left wing as he searched for an explanation. “Like, everything’s jake. Am I using that right?” “You are, but not the point.” Magnus thought for a moment then gave a sleazy grin. “You got the hots for the Princess?” “No,” Sentry deadpanned, “I don’t.” “Ah, that sounds like denial.” Magnus laughed. “You a real gold digger, eh? Well, actually, I guess you might be more of a cake-eater after seeing all those mares goin’ gaga for ya on the field the other day.” “No, Magnus, I don’t have the hots for Twilight,” Sentry grumbled, “She’s not interested in me anyways. Made that clear after several visits to the Empire.” “Oh? That’s why you aren’t going for it then? Well, can’t leave ya hanging kiddo, how about we have another contest? A big one.” “Oh,” Sentry’s ears perked up in excitement. “What’s it this time?” “First one to get Twilight to agree to a date.” “What?” Sentry yelled as his cheeks flushed red, “We can’t do that!” “We can, and we will.” Magnus threw a wing over Sentry’s back. “Come on, Sentry. This will be a good push to get you to ask your crush and if I happen to win, I can get a nice evening with the Princess and maybe some consensual cuddling.” “This is a dumb idea, Magnus.” Sentry frowned. “Potentially lethal knowing what I know about Twilight.” Magnus groaned. “Okay, fine. How about this?” Magnus stopped along with Sentry. “In addition to getting a date with the Princess, which should have been the only motivation you needed, the winner can demand the loser anything they want afterwards.” Sentry stared at Magnus then tilted his head quizzically. “Anything?” “Anything.” Magnus saw Sentry’s tail wag behind him and his eyes lit with sparks of excitement. “Okay, yeah, okay. Let’s do it. I’m down. I’ll be the, uh, what was the word, cake-eater!” “Not how you use that word but whatever gets your flank in gear.” “Awesome.” Sentry smirked at Magnus. “You wanna race back to the barracks?” Magnus grinned. “You’re on.”
