Wittyhooves Campfire Tales

by Wittyhooves

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other
Length: 5441

Here are some gutbusting stories to be told around the campfire.

When you are with your friends you can't expect everything to be normal or to be drama free. There is one thing you can always expect though and that is comedy. So here are some short stories of Witty and his freinds in situations that will be told over and over around the campfire. There is no shortage of humor when Witty is with his pals and something happens to go wrong. Because it is always good to have a good laugh with your own freinds. So everpony enjoy!

Published 2012-09-16 08:44:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-09 22:10:54 UTC

Carving, Starving, Freezing, Falling

" Hey everypony", said Wittyhooves " did I ever tell you about the time Turbulence broke through Sizzle's fence"?

Some ponies shook their heads and some just continued to roast marshmallows over the open fire.

" Well here is how it happened; Sizzle, Turbo, and I were having a little cookout when...

" Hurry up Sizzle" ,called The grey earth pony.
" Hey Witty if you can't wait I could always stop cookin-"
"Wow wow wow there's no need for that", yelled Wittyhooves almost falling from his seat on the weather beaten picnic table.

" Well then keep it down or I'm gonna end up burning these soy burgers, and they cost me six freaking bits", said the earth brown unicorn with a focused, and slightley smug, expression.

" Aaaahhhggg", Thump!

" Oh buck, Witty go help Turbulence and fix the hammock while your at it, I'm kinda busy over here"

" Uhg fine", said Witty rolling his eyes." Come on Turbo give me your hoof", offering the mare his own hoof.
" Thanks Witts", said the white pegasus as she was heaved up.
" What is this the third time this thing has broken"
" Yeah, I think the hook is to rusty, its just not holding", said the mare examining the blue hammock.

Sizzle turned his head and called to his friends," Well could you figure somthing out, I'm almost done over here".

There was silence as the two ponies on the other side of the lawn thought. Witty finally broke the silence," Hey you got anything sharp I could use real quick"?

" Umm, Oh! I have the cutting knife over in the sink", suggested the pondering stallion.

" Yeah that should work", Witty said as he trotted into the house. He came out with the knife handle in his mouth and walked to the tree were the hammock should have been attached to. He proceeded to carve into the tree with the tip the improvised chisel.

Sizzle heard the grind of the knife, turned, and exclaimed with horror as Wittyhooves carved," What are you doing your gonna dull my good knife"!
" Ah ah cahfen aut ah hohe har fe hooh", said Witty with the knife in his mouth.

"What" said the other two ponies in unison.

Witty spat out the knife and said with impatience," I Was carving out a hole for the hook, and I'm done"!

He then placed the hook in the newly carved hole. The hammock stayed in place.
" Your welcome", said Witty with a smug expression.

The other ponies were unphased. They were used to Witty solving problems with his quick thinking.

" Oh yeah well lets test it", said Turbulence as she flew straight down onto the hammock. She hit it and lost her composition and was launched, like a ball from a slingshot, through the privacy fence in the backyard. The two stallions were rolling on the lawn laughing like madcolts.

Turbulence flew through the newly made hole and looked with shock, and humiliation, as she saw that the hammock was unphased.

" So Turbo", started Witty red faced and gasping for air" You think the hole I carved worked"?!

" Shut up Witty, sorry about the fence Sizz I'l pay for it".

" No its ok we have some extra posts in the shed anyway, besides you already gave us a good laugh", Replied Sizzle " Come on guys the burgers are done".

" The End"

The group of ponies, including Sizzle and Turbulence, laughed in the light of the campfire.

" Oh yeah Witty", said an orange colt" well did you tell them about the time you fell through the ice when we and Gyro were playing hoof hockey last winter"?

" Oh yeah I remember that, no I don't think I told them that one", said Witty" will you do the honors LowK"

" Sure", said the orange colt" it happened when..."

" Pass it pass it", called the heavily coated earth pony.

Witty grunted as he swung at the crooked wooden puck," There you go LowK", said Witty in his usual green jacket" now pass it to Gyro so he can test his spring... thing".

" Ok", yelled Low Kick from across the lake " Here you aaaagh", screamed LowK as he slipped in the frozen ice floor. His hoof found it's mark, as he slipped, and made it to the ash grey earth pony.

" Thanks" called the inventive colt, holding in a chuckle " now lets see if I calibrated it high enough this time". Gyro sat on the icy floor, pulled a twisted contraption from his saddlebag, and placed it in front of his back hooves. He then retrieved the puck and placed it on the curved hole. The device looked like a large, rusty, spring with a large box on the back. The box had a small pressure readout on the top. Gyro place the box on his back hooves, pulled the spring with his front hooves and pulled a little lever. " Ok its locked" began Gyro" now Witty, get between those two ice cylinders and be a goalie".

" Ok Gyro" as Witty slid into position" letter rip"!

Gyro aimed the contraption at the goal, did a final readout check, and pulled the rusted lever.

In a flash the device expanded and launched the puck like an arrow from a bow! Witty, seeing the extreme speed of the puck attempted to flea but could get no traction on the slick surface. The puck missed Witty by a foot but struck the ice cylinder and ricochet off, cracking the ice as it departed! It shot under Witty's hooves and tossed him to the icy floor! It struck the second frozen pillar and jammed into it spreading cracks like wildfire.

Witty saw the incoming fractures and attempted to leap to safety. His efforts were fruitless as his hooves slid out from under him once again. The ice let out a piercing crack and all Witty could utter before being engulfed was a " Holy Luna" before being swallowed by the newly made ice pool.

His friends came to his previous location and tossed a rope from Gyro's saddlebag into the shimmering depths. Witty submerged spluttering and pale blue from the chilling water. His companions hefted him from his icy prison an galloped all the way to Low Kick's house. All Witty could say before passing out was " Hey Gyro", he said shivering.

" Yeah Witty", said the worried colt.

" I ,ACHOO! I think your gadget worked", said the sniffling colt.

" Yeah ", said Witty in the light of the campfire," I woke up at LowK's next to the fireplace. I had a cold for a week", he said chuckling.

" I feel cold just talking about it", said Gyro.

" Well ", said Witty" I'm gonna make all of us some hot cocoa since were so cold", he said as he trotted around the log bench.

Stealth Problems and Mare Problems

" Hey everypony", said Wittyhooves to the group, some chatting and some roasting marshmallows, around the campfire." So whats the problem, I don't hear any stories", he said with a grin.

" Sorry bro", said a yellow pegasus" we were waiting for you".

" Ok well lets hear something, how about you Blacksash", he said to a white unicorn with his signature black sash around his head. " Tell them about one of the times you tried to teach me to be a ninja", said Witty with a grin" and make sure it's funny".

" Well ok give me a second", Blacksash said meditating" ok here is when we were working on stealth and discipline that one winter in the Everfree..."

" Ok Sash how are we going to do this", said Witty with his game face.

" Ok", said the unicorn completely expressionless" we are going to play a game".

" We will play hide and seek, and the goal is to not be noticeable at all" said the colt tightening his sash".

" What do you mean", said the grey earth pony, looking puzzled".

The small white pony replied," You must discipline yourself and hide in the snow, please take off your jacket"

Witty pulled the pine colored jacket off and laid it on the table under the umbrella.

" Ok Witty I will wait in the house and count to one hundred", Blacksash uttered" and you, my friend, will hide in the snow".

" Ok", said the earth pony as he galloped off.

" Ok" said Witty to nopony in particular" I have always favored the tree canopy as a place to hide", he pondered" and the shine from the small amount of sun peaking from the clouds should make this a little more bearable", he said still to nopony" now how do I get up", but as he said this he had an idea. He found a short but flexible pine tree and bent it down all the way to the forest floor. He then stepped on the pine and dis some last second checks. " Ok", he said looking into space" the tree should be limber enough to lift me not throw me". He jumped lightly enough to have the branch slowly lift him while he kept his balance. He made it to the top and hopped into the closest tree. He then proceeded to cover himself in snow and shivered.

Meanwhile

" Ninety-eight, ninety-nine, one hundred", the white unicorn galloped out the door and a quick pace.

It did not take long to find his companion. There in the snow covered floor were hoofprints and the limber tree had its snow removed by the action of bending it. Silently the unicorn scanned the trees and found his friends blond tail slightly sticking from the side of a tree. Blacksash ,using his honed vision, began to spot the rest of his quarry. He , still silent, magically gripped a ball of snow and compressed it. He then magically threw it at his friend and Witty fell from the tree with a thump.

Witty raised himself from the icy floor and nodded" your good but I could", he said with a smug grin" always do this", and he turned and bucked an overhanging tree. The tree shook and the sparkling snow fell from the branches and covered Sash in a glittering mess. " Tushe Witty", he said with snow in his mouth. Then they walked to the cabin blue faced and shivering.

" Oh I remember that now", said Witty, flickering in time with the flames" So any other stories". All the other ponies looked at each other and shrugged.

" Ok well what about the time Blossom Bud and I went to break up with his marefriend"?

All the ponies shrugged and murmured. The violet colt, known as Blossom Bud, gave a small grin.

" Ok", said Witty" here's how it started, we were going to the fast food joint she worked at and..."

" You sure about this man", said Witty with a comically confused look on his face" I mean why do you need me, not that I mind I just thought when you said we were going out to get burgers I didn't know that we would be breaking up with some mare".

The tall colt replied" Well I could use a quick thinker like you, besides Survivalof is a pretty unpredictable pony". Her full name was Survivalof Thefittest and she was a survival expert and could last in the middle of the Everfree with nothing more than a toothpick and a rope.

" Are you sure about this", Witty said , scared for his friend" The last stallion that broke up with her had to be pried from her magical grip, he had to go to therapy for a while too".

" No she may be strong but I have been through worse, and I am counting on you to make note of all possible defenses in that resturaunt", he said this with a fearful glance to the ground.

" Ok", said Witty enjoying that his wit could get him into some action" but your paying", he said with a forced laugh.

As they approached Chaos Burger, a Discord themed restaurant, their pace began to quicken like a mongoose with a snakes nest in sight.They walked in through the glass double doors and were rushed by cool air. With a shiver, of fear and cold, Bud asked for a table for two and requested his soon to be ex-marefriend as our waitress.

They sat at their table and waited in a tension filled silence. But Wittyhooves was unaware of the growing tension because he was busy looking for protection that my or may not be needed. He was so zoned out he almost didn't notice the aqua blue unicorn approaching their table with an angry expression on her face.

She hissed to the colts" What do you want, maybe your here to say your sorry for the argument the other day", she said in a low growl.

Bud slammed his hoof on the table and uttered with gusto" now I am not, actually i was hoping I could get an its over burger and a side of get out of my life", he said his gaze unwavering" and a number seven, with a large drink".

She looked like she would rip his head off right there but a coworker told here to get Buds food. She walked away but a voice called behind her.

" Oh yeah", said Witty with a smug grin, angry at the mare who would be so rude to his friend" could I get a number four with a side of get over it".

This comment pushed the mare over the edge. She grabbed discord horn shaped forks ,from surrounding tables, in here magical grip and hurled them at the pair of stallions. Witty hade seen this coming and flipped the table, pulling his friend down to the floor. The table was pierced by dozens of silverware.

" Bud", said Witty to his shocked friend" buck the table in three, two, one". Their hooves connected with the table and it slid across the tiled floor and pinned the mare to the wall with the four legs shoved into it. The furious mare struggled in a fruitless effort to escape her prison.

" Hey waitress", said Witty to the attacker with extreme gusto" check please".

He then galloped out of the restaurant leaving the occupants in full shock.

" Oh man", said Witty in the light of the fire" I felt like such a badflank".

" Yeah you save my plot back there, it was hoofing epic", uttered Blossom bud with a chuckle.

" Ok guys I am gonna get some tofudogs, I'll be right back", Witty said as he trotted away.

Nightmare Night Fight

" How are all the ghouls enjoying themselves", said Wittyhooves walking out into the light of the fire, throwing shadows and dressed as a Lunar Guard.

It was a very special night tonight, for tonight was Nightmare Night and, with candy bags scattered around, everyone was in costume. The costumes ranged from monsters to hot nurses. There was an inaudible reply from a colt in a Discord mask.

" I'll take that as a yes", he said, adjusting his helm.

" Hey Witty are you gonna tell some scary stories tonight", said an old school sheet ghost pony.

" Nah, I have an action story for you tonight. I have a tail of a Nightmare Night fight to share with you who weren't there ", he said in the flickering light of the fire.

" Yeah", said a sexy unicorn nurse" about earlier, with that group of thugs dressed as Changelings".

" Ok here is how it went down. It wasn't pretty either, for them..."

" So guys", said the sexy nurse named Drill Bit" are we going to drop off these bags or are we going to keep going," she said to the group of ponies.

Wittyhooves, with his fabric candy bag on his back, was doing great this year and his armor was an awesome idea.

" I think that we are gonna go through one more neighborhood and then head to my house for candy trade", replied Witty.

" Ok ", said Drill Bit adjusting her custom steel drill on her horn, and peering off into the distance.

" Guys stop for a second", she said in a slightly hushed tone.

The group stopped in the coldesac, confused.

She asked the group " Are those changelings"?

The group of ponies squinted trying to see the creatures she spoke of.

" No", said a goblin pony" one just took their mask off, but they have a whole cart of candy bags, and I don't think they're friendly, several ponies just ran from them", he finished in horror.

" Ok is Blacksash here", asked Witty.

" Right here friend", the small white colt said as he walked out from behind a clown pony" how may I be of assistance".

" Do you think you can get close enough to here what they are saying", he asked with a thought filled demeanor.

" I'll see what I can do", he answered from thin air, for he was already dashing, with amazing speed and quietness, down the street.

" Ok guys", said Witty with the sound of battle in his voice" get behind this wall and get ready to back Sash up if anything happens, we loose nopony today"

Sash quietly ran on the side of the street, sticking to the shadows. He silently galloped from the inside of a bush to under the cart, filled with goodies.

" We need to hurry up and get to another street before someone tells some guards", said a male pony dressed as a changeling," we just need a few more bags and we'll be set for the year", he said to his group of five.

Another pony answered", ok but we need to hide it in my basement or somepony will find it".

" Ok lets roll".

A changeling pony pulled the cart. As the cart rolled a wheel went over Blacksash's tail. He let out a small yelp, praying to Luna that they hadn't heard. His prayers went unanswered. The changeling group turned their heads simultaneously towards the sound.

The first punch was easily dodged. Not very chatty are they, thought Blacksash.

" Thats our cue", said Witty more ready for a fight than ever" Drill Bit, LowK, and I are going. Everypony hang back incase we need backup". Witty grabbed his lead trident from his sheath. " Drill Bit sand down the spikes", he said with with blazing fury" I don't intend to kill anypony today".

The nurse, guard, and engineer galloped into battle.

Blacksash had taken a few blows when he heard galloping from his right. Wittyhooves arrived into action ready to send a blow. He ran up to the closest attacker and pushed the three pronged weapon under his stomach. He then threw the changeling pony into the pony who had just unbuckled himself from the cart. They both went down and struggled back up.

Meanwhile LowK was fighting an identical changeling pony. The attacker charged at him horn ready to stab into the small orange pony when LowK lunged to the side and stuck his hind leg out, tripping the pony.

Drill bit was fighting off two changeling ponies magically throwing nails from her saddlebag, stabbing the attackers costumes to the street. Then, using her steel drill horn tip to hammer the nails into the earth, ending her quarrel.

Now it was three, Witty and his friends, against two, the remaining changeling ponies.

" Drill Bit", Witty screamed, dodging a hoof and taking another to the head" take out the wheels , Hng, on the bucking cart", he called, taking a low blow.

The mare obeyed and pierced both wheels in the center, splitting them in fourths. LowK knocked the hooves from one pony and kicked him to the side. Witty slammed his trident into the side of his foe, knocking him onto the street. He then stabbed the three prongs onto the earth, with the changeling ponies head between two prongs, pinning his quarry.

Witty turned to his friends," were did Blacksash go", he asked, panting and taking his helm off.

He retreated to get his bruises checked when we showed up", said the mare, picking up her nurses cap.

Witty turned to his prisoners. " Don't go anywhere, we are gonna find who you stole this candy from. Every single one of them.", he turned to his friends" nopony goes candyless tonight".

The group of ponies left behind galloped over and started a search party to find the ponies who's candy had been stolen. It ended up as a long night of happy faces on strangers and dozens of sweaty hoofshakes from parents and young ponies who heard of the battle. When they were all done they went to Witty's for a Nightmare Night candy trade. And to tell the tale to those who weren't there.

" Oh Luna", said Witty, calming himself down" that was great and I was so happy that everypony got their candy back, and gosh who knew it would be a good idea to bring a real weapon for my costume". " Hey anypony got any gummy parasprites".

Nightmare Night Delight

" Everypony comfortable", asked Wittyhooves in his lunar guard armor trusty trident in sheath.

" Yeah bro," said a stallion dressed as a sea pony" but why do you have a trident when the usual weapon for a guard is a spear"?

Wittyhooves held in a chuckle. The sea pony was a new friend from the fight. He had his candy stolen from the changeling thugs and had been found in the distance with a slingshot ready. They didn't know much about each other, other than names.

" Well thats Witty's weapon of choice," said Gyro, in a Engineer costume," didn't anypony tell you about the fight"?

" What fight"?

" We'll tell you later, but first lets brake you in to the group", Witty said, with a sly smile.

" Ummm ok, what do we do"?

" Well Blitz, we call it the Nightmare Night Delight, we go around until midnight and have a large prank battle. Last pony standing gets the candy bet by everypony. So come on every pony put some candy in the pot and we will start at separate ends of town," everypony puts in a variety of candy from their bags", only rule is you come back here when your out! Everypony bet. Ok. Go!

Wow, their all ready. I wonder how I can win. I don't even know any of these ponies. At least they are nice. Ooh, behind this tree!

Blitz jumps behind the large fir tree and gets on his stomach.

Ok, ok what should I do... I could. No. Or mabey. No.

Blitz lay their glaring at the ground for a second and finally got a plan together. He then trotted off onto the street.

Meanwhile

Ok lets not over think it this time. Ok I'm gonna get them good! I just need my blowgun, matches, telescope, tape, and skreaming bottle rockets. Darn I need to break off the sticks. Oh well I better hurry.

Witty runs off to his house to get his supplies.

Most of the night is filled with screams and laughter.

" Hey guys, said Gyro with a bunch of feathers stuck to his fur" were are Witty and that, new guy.

A few ponies walk to the fire, some's flanks burned and some wet.

Oh my Celestia what happened to you guys," yelled Drill Bit, not like she didn't know.

" Well," said a clown pony" it would seem that Witty is in a tree with an improvised missile launcher and Blitz is in the sewers jumping out of coltholes. But I think they're the only ponies left".

" This,ll be a while. Well i have a story for you guys anyway...

Ok I don't see anypony. Wait... Is that Blitz... in a colthole. Smart pony. But he obviously doesn't know that I am up here, and gonna snipe him.

Game set and match my friend, Witty thought as he put a rocket in the blowgun. He took aim with his makeshift scope and blew. The rocket was blown through the end of the tube, lit at the last second by the match taped to the end of his magnificent contraption. As the bullet took flight it scream what Witty thought would be a scream of victory...

Whats that noise, thought Blitz as he lifted himself from the colthole. He looked twards the noise and in an instant, he kicked the steel plate from the earth, lifted it in front of him and reflected the mystery object from its path.

"Oh buck" screamed Wittyhooves, breaking the silence of his own thoughts. He saw the whole procedure on the ground and was now playing chicken with a bottle rocket. At the last second he pulled his head to the side and dodged the projectile by a hair. It plunged into the trunk of the tree behind him and with a bang finish it's job by exploding into the rough wood.

The first thing to come to Witty's mind was; That was epic. The second was about his loss in the competition. He was going to have a lot to talk about when he got back to the fire.

Blitz equals completely broken in.

A Downhill Pony

" Hey everypony, glad you all could make it to the WG Five Hundred," said Wittyhooves wearing a green helmet with his Cutie mark on top. He addresses his fellow racers, who wore similar helmets with varying colors and cutie marks.

" We know you all have been working on your karts for the last few months, so now its time to race, and wreck them. You all also know that you can have a maximum of three accessories on your kart, and that Gyro helped make your design as small and effective as possible. Thank you Gyro. Ok everypony put on padding and we can begin.

All the racers walked to their karts and put on padding, all similar to their helmets, and did some last moment inspection on their kart.

" Hey Witty," called Gyro as he trotted towards the grey stallion," The guys and I finished setting up the pulley. It wasn't easy, I mean, come on its the longest hill in Equestria. But everypony should be able to get back up to the top with no problem. Now get goin, you've got a race to compete in", finished Gyro as he began to trot off.

Everypony was in their kart, ready for the big race. A white mare with a black and white striped tail, with a similar mane, stood a few feet from the center of the eighteen racers. A lever on the ground in front of her, hooked to the gate keeping the ponies from rolling away.

She spoke in a loud attention grabbing voice," Ok the rules are; there is to be no use of magic or wings, any breaking of these rules will be an instant disqualification. No grabbing other ponies karts. Winner gets bragging rights and a special helmet.

The anticipation could be felt all through the line of racers, from Witty's aerodynamic dart shaped kart, to Drill Bits's Drill shaped kart, and even to Turbulence's, Blosom Bud's, Blitz's, and Low Kicks karts. Turbo's being a small wooden cloud chariot, LowK's being a studded brown box, Buds being a large wooden wheel with a gyroscopic center,and Blitz's being a rocket with a large hole in the back.

"Ready", said the pony with the lever.

All the racers had their back hooves on the pedal, that would activate a large spring behind their cart.

"Set"

Everypony leaned forward in utter anticipation, and lowered their goggles over their eyes.

"Go!"

The gate drops and the karts start their speedy decent. But Blitz bursts ahead in a jet of flames. As he took off you could see dozens of bottle rockets in the hole in the back of his kart. The whole time thinking,' thanks for the idea Witty', and chuckling.

His speed held for a few seconds but his opponents were catching up quickly, and he had already used a non-reusable accessory.

Witty was surprised by the bursts of light and objects produced by his friends carts. His own surprises were needing to come into affect soon if he wanted to place well. He had three buttons, all three with a yellow number on the front. He pulled his hoof away from the steering wheel and hit the first button and the tip of his dart kart opened and shot a sticky ball of glue; attached to a rope, at a kart three karts ahead of his current position. He chose this because no matter where the blob hit it would cause some negative affect to an opponent.

The blob missed its target and struck the ground with an audible, wet thwop. He hit the first button a second time and the rope broke free from his kart. But jot before hitting a wheel as he failed to swerve out of the way. The wheel broke off and stuck to the track, unmoving, leaving Witty with three wheels.

Turbulence loved her kart, and the destruction it brought with it. He had an air compressed tube set up to shoot small clouds that expended over a few seconds. She could either blind another racer or get a small amount of air time by shooting at the ground in front of her, because she happened to marinate her wood in clouds when she accidentally left it laying around at home.

She blinded and jumped over ponies and almost hit a limb, before she found out she was six feet high off the ground.

Witty just passed LowK when he discovered that the studs on his kart were moving in and out with high speed. Witty was growing closer, due to his lost wheel, and had to swerve before he was knocked aside by LowK. He pulled back in front and jabbed at his number two. The back of his cart opened, then was broken off by the wind, and a spring came out. Witty hit the button again and was kicked off of LowK and sped four karts ahead, while LowK came to a compleat stop and knocked out two other racers.

" I'm gonna get you now Blitz", Witty's words were lost in the wind as he, like everypony else, picked up speed.

Blossom Bud had made this kart to be sure nothing could happen to him. The wheel was completely solid and a dragon couldn't rip it off without help. Though he wished not to find out. He sped past other ponies and found himself at the front with Blitz and Witty. He pulled his last card and tossed a small ramp out in front of his large wheel. He was launched in the air just in time to see Drill Bit with her giant drill kart right under him. She must have been gonna mow me down, thought Bud.

Witty was not going down without using his final button. This could turn the tide. He did a quick calculation of the wind speed and jabbed at the wooden button.

The sides of his kart flew off and two sets of, thin wooden planks came out. The cart lurched into the air and the wheels were dropped off. This was now what Witty like to call it; the Sharp Wit.

Witty slid a foot to the left to put his hands on the second wheel, for controlling his bird.

The finish was approaching fast and the four racers; Witty, Drill Bit, Blitz, and Blossom Bud were in a frenzy.

Witty had to pull to the side to avoid Bud totaling him.

They crowd was waiting and so were the dozen unicorns stationed there to stop racers once they finished. The group of four all crossed the line so simultaneously that even Photo Finish would have stumbled to believe it.

Witty called to his friends over the crowd," looks like were gonna have to have a rematch, just the four of us. Grab the pulley!"