Desperation

by William1991

Rating: teen
Tags: Self Insert, Adventure, Suicide / Self Harm, Human, Narcotics, Sad, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Mystery, Rainbow Dash
Length: 3103

When a man becomes so detached, so distraught with the world, what does he have to lose but to delve into insanity?

Ever since he was a teen, one look at that show and he knew it was something that would captivate him for years. It inspired him to try his best in life, and to grit forward with desperation and determination, knowing that ANYTHING is possible if you put your mind to it...

...but what if your sole dream, the one thing that keeps you moving in life is to find some way to be in Equestria itself?

Published 2021-09-02 21:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-09-02 21:00:00 UTC

Chapter 1

Emptiness.

Hopelessness.

Those are the two emotions he felt, as he drove through the silent, dark night.

It was a Friday night, and the weekend was fully ahead of him. He could do whatever he pleased, or wanted. Yet, it is practically for this reason why he secretly dreaded it all the same. Sure, he would be free from his work, but that meant he would be free from his distractions, and would be forced to face his sense of hopelessness and despair yet again. It had almost become a weekly thing, to instill a false sense of hope and expectation that something, anything, could happen which would change his fate. Working hours on end during the week, expecting a different outcome during the weekend, pushing past the hard, gruesome work which he hated, along with most other aspects in his life. He rarely ever felt a sense of enjoyment in whatever it is that he would briefly occupy himself in doing, but rather he would feel either indifferent, or in the sense as one would feel scratching an itch.

He was completely detached and indifferent towards most possessions and circumstances that occurred in his life, all except for one thing. One thing which occupied most of his time, one specific thing that he cared most deeply and only about, one thing which superceded all other moments or events in his life. One thing that was more important and more precious to him than any other possession, status, wealth, or anything else the world could possibly offer him.

That damn show.

Ever since 2014, when he first discovered it, he was captivated. Ensared in its storytelling, and its brilliant ability to pull a viewer into a better, more vibrant, more magical, more alive world than the soulless and hopeless crushing reality that he was born into. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how hard he fought against his better judgment, he could not stop thinking of the show, he could not stop forming an attachment to the characters and to the world itself. Every time something happened on the show, whether it be brilliantly beautiful or horribly devastating, he would shed tears, something which he's almost never done in his life. Through the show (and indeed, through the brilliant works of fiction that the fandom has created), he has experienced more emotion than he ever has in the real world. He knew it was dangerous, like a drug that shows you wonders and feelings beyond your greatest imagination, yet has the side effect of making the world seem ever more more hopeless and dull in comparison. At the same time, he was at a low point in his life, and it seemed to make things feel a little more hopeful in the world at that time, and stopped any suicidal thoughts just so he could watch the next episode and experience the next bit of fiction that would ever come next in that universe.

At the same time, he became less and less attached to whatever this world had to offer, and made it seem almost like a chore to convince himself to stay alive and do whatever needed to be done for himself. He tried everything he could to convince himself that Equestria was real, on some level. He discovered hypnosis around a little while after he found the show, and tried every way possible to listen to the audio files to try and make it feel real. It never happened aside from a slight feeling in his arms and legs. Later, he discovered Astral Projection, which people claimed you could use to travel to other places outside the body. He reminisced about how many times he tried it, always accomplishing a vague feeling of floating but never anything more.

And just when his hope was finally dying off, something new had to emerge in order to ensare him back into insanity. The Law of Attraction, and related works that could espouse that anything could happen, should he try hard enough to change his mindset, and his way of thinking. So try, try, and try he did day and night to keep attempting. When he was younger, he would be occupied by school and his work that needed to be done, and when he got home he would dream of the weekends and especially summer break when he convinced himself he would be able to finally have the time alone to himself in order to accomplish this goal. Time and time again, he consistently proved himself wrong, but that didn't change him, for he would try endlessly, as if there were no other option, as if life itself was dull enough to where he had become completely ensnared of the thinking that if he were to fail, he would be hopelessly trapped in a notion of this life, and everything he so despised, being as real as it could possibly get. An outcome he thought was very possible, but tried to convince himself otherwise in order to latch on to the small sliver of hope that he was wrong.

Seven years later, and the only thing that has changed is his circumstances. Instead of falsely pretending that he would be able to get to Equestria one day by whatever means necessary at school, he would do the same thing at work. Only now, he had less free time to try (and fail) at his goals, and instead overall had more time to endlessly hope for a different outcome by performing the same exact routine again, and again. In his pursuit for the impossible, he discovered a multitude of people who have claimed to be positively affected and have seen actual outcomes from the methods described, whether it be Astral Projection, Hypnosis, or even the Law of Attraction and the ability to "shift" to other realities. Eventually it turned him more resentful by the day. Did his mind hate him? Did people have to be predisposed to these type of abilities? Was it truly something with how malleable one's brain could be? The more questions he began to ask himself of this, the more he hated what possibilities he could come up with.

He had a few more options up his sleeve before he could get to the only possible remaining one, one of them being the ability to try and make his mind more malleable for himself. While being in the gray area of the legal zone, Research Chemical Psychedelics, (as well as Psychedelics in general) from what he could gather, have apparently been shown to give people more spiritual experiences on hand, even though they might exacerbate latent disorders and problems like Schizophrenia. But quite honestly, he would prefer to be a mental patient as opposed to being sane at this point if it means there would be a chance he could experience Equestria.

Snapping out of his thoughts, he felt a strange sense of comfort. Perhaps he was close to an answer and a method that would work, or perhaps he was far away or even not able to arrive at any method at all. At this point, there is no other sense except trying until it kills him. Even if it did nothing, he consistently imagined being with the pony he loved, in the world he loved, as a pony he himself felt like he might be. And he would be willing to accept even a painful death if it meant being in the home he felt more emotion, more connection to than anything he has ever experienced, seen, or felt in life.
He arrived home, opening the door and turning on the lights. Walking into his kitchen, feeling more tired than ever before, he stared at the kitchen knives. He shook his head and made his way into his bedroom where he thought of the knives, and of the pills inside his drawer, which contained more than enough to kill someone.

Maybe I'll save that for another day, just after I try a few more times, he thought.

In that moment, he felt childish and alone. Childish in the fact that he had a great place to live and access to food and water, that he had to get obsessed and emotional over what many claim to be a kid's show, and alone in that he feels stuck that he couldn't do anything about it, while it felt as if almost no other people felt the same way, and those that did have methods to cope or even get better from the situation they were in entirely.

As he went to bed, feeling tired, he slipped into the same mindset that he always did.

Maybe tonight I'll have a dream or lucid dream of ponies... He thought.

He likely knew that he would dream of nothing at all, like most of the time.

Peaceful Hearth's Warming

December 6th, 2017

Peppermint trotted through the evening snowstorm, intent on getting home and surprising his wife by being off from the weather factory early. It was tough work, but somepony had to do it. Luckily, he had the next week off to spend time with his family. He hurried his hoofsteps against the soft ground at the thought of surprising his family with an early Hearth's Warming gift. The snow was cool, yet soft against his hooves and his muzzle, with his favorite rainbow-colored scarf snug and warm against his neck. As he made his way up the steps to his rustic two-story cabin, he could hear the faint sounds of playful laughter and the sound of hooves scrambling on the floor. He opened the cabin door.

"Honey, I'm home!" Peppermint yelled.

Immediately, he heard the sounds of two colts rushing to embrace him.

"Daddy! Daddy! Mom's going to make us the bestest, biggest pancakes for Hearth's Warming! Isn't that cool?" One colt exclaimed as he jumped up and hugged Peppermint's neck.

"Woah! Careful there. You're getting a little too old for that. And I think your mother wants us to sit down and enjoy a nice healthy meal first, then we'll get to pancakes, and maybe even open some of your presents?" Peppermint chuckled, smiling at him, before softly putting him down on the wooden floor.

Both of the colts' eyes went wide as they heard the promise of presents after dinner, as they immediately darted for the dining room table. He proceeded to trot into the dining room where he saw his wife setting the table with plates and silverware, before looking up at him and smiling.

"You know Pep, you really shouldn't tease them like this. They're going to get even more hyperactive than they usually are when they hear you mention pancakes and presents." She said, looking up to him before chuckling as she embraced him for a hug.

"I know, I know. But I can't help it!" He replied giddily, before sighing. "These colts mean everything in the world to me, and so do you. I'm just glad I could get off for Hearth's Warming."

Dash let go of the embrace, looking at him and smirking. "Since when did you get so sappy? Hehe... but you're right, these little guys mean everything to me as well, and so do you. I'm so happy to have the family all together for one of the best times of the year. I'm going to go back into the kitchen now and finish cooking everything, so just have a seat in one of the chairs and I'll bring you and the hungry colts some food, okay?" She smiled before kissing him on the cheek.

He went over to one of the dining room chairs and sat down, noticing the care Dash put into each and every single detail on the table when setting everything up. He noticed that she took down the calendar and had placed it near the far end of the table, also noticing that she had highlighted the day of Hearth's Warming Eve; December 24th. I'll need to go shopping for a new calendar soon, He thought. After all, it will be 1015. I just can't believe it's been nearly eight years since we married and had a family.

He noticed his children playing and running around the house. On any other day he would try to get them to stop roughhousing around, but considering what day it is, he decided to let it be for a while, and wait for dinner to be done before calling them.

Looking out one of the windows, he saw the soft snowstorm outside began to pick up and get heavier by the minute, as the sky gradually began to darken with each passing minute as the sun began to set, touching the mountains and piercing some of the dark clouds with a brilliant orange glow, reminding him of an old photo he once had in his old grandmother's house growing up. He contemplated getting his camera to take a picture of the beauty outside, but he elected to just sit patiently and wait for everypony to get together for dinner before electing to snap a photo, wanting to take a picture of both the scenery outside along with his happy family in front.

He then heard Dash call him into the kitchen, so he proceeded to follow and looked at the kitchen table full of food.

"Wow Dash... I knew you could cook, but not all of these different foods!" He exclaimed.

He saw bowls and plates filled with food such as cinnamon oatmeal, garlic mashed potatoes, roasted green beans, iceberg salads, and he even spotted a big cheese and mushroom-filled pizza with tomatoes. Glancing over, he noticed the dessert bowls, one filled with apple pie, the other with pumpkin pie.

Dash gave a soft smile before telling him to help carry the main course bowls and plates to the table.

"I've always enjoyed cooking for myself from time to time, especially since Wonderbolt practice builds up quite an appetite. Fast food gets boring after a while, and restaurant food adds up in expenses after some time. Everything I've made here I used to love making and eating those times... well, except for the pie." She recollected, chuckling as she placed the last of the main courses on the table.

"Go ahead and get the colts, I'll get everything else set up." She stated.

Peppermint nodded happily as he trotted into the living room and saw the rambunctious colts playing.

"Alright kiddos! Your mother has dinner ready, so let's all go to the table and eat, alright? And no more roughhousing while you're in the dining room, we don't want you breaking anything or making a mess." He announced, watching the colts look back at him before bolting into the dining room.

"And no running in the dining room either!" He added, before smiling to himself and trotting into the dining room, taking a seat next to Dash as they began to scoop some of the food prepared onto their plates, the colts quickly taking a seat on the other two chairs and following suit.

Later

After dinner and the desserts, Peppermint announced that he wanted to do one last thing for the family before they opened each others' presents. He quickly got up out of his chair and walked over to one of the tables holding a camera with a stand.

"I want everyone to stand in front of the window, and smile!" He said, beaming as he set up the camera ready to take a delayed photograph so that he could stand next to Dash and the colts. The rest of the family quickly got into position, Dash smiling as her colts stood next to her. Behind them, the view outside was incredible. The sun was almost completely below the horizon now, a brilliant and even darker shade of orange lit up the snowy terrain in a dimly lit view.

After having set up the camera completely, he proceeded to press the shutter button, while it showed on-screen a countdown for five seconds. He quickly got into position between Dash and his colts, with one of his hooves around Dash, as he felt the happiest and most complete he has ever been in his entire life.

The camera quickly flashed, and printed a photo of them posing with the beautiful landscape behind them. While the rest of the family went into the living room, eager to sit by the fireplace and open their gifts under their Hearth's Warming tree, Peppermint trotted over to his camera and picked up the photo, looking at his family, and the magnificent view behind them.

I am the luckiest stallion alive to have such a beautiful wife and kids, Peppermint thought, as he began to think about how lucky he felt that everything in his life was the best they had ever been. All of a sudden, he began to hear the sound of a continuous buzzing noise.

Looking puzzled, he noticed that the noise would stop and start again with a pulse of a second inbetween it ending and it beginning again. He looked around the dining room to find the source of the buzzing noise, until he began to feel disoriented, and everything around the room suddenly began to fade into white.

He opened his eyes, looking to his right and seeing his iPad Mini on the far side of his bed producing the buzzing noise. Grabbing it with his hand, he read the time.

5:00 AM

He quickly shut it off and realized that everything that he had experienced up until that point was just a rare vivid dream. He wasn't his OC, and he wasn't a pony. Not only that, but it was a Wednesday morning and he needed to wake up and get ready for school, as his midterm exams were coming up and he needed to focus.

Overcome with emotion and the realization that none of what he just experienced was real, he felt himself tear up with an immense feeling of sadness and desperation. He wanted to scream, he wanted to yell, he wanted to punch the closest objects on his bed. None of it was fair to him, it was a cruel joke.

Attempting to get control of his emotions again and dampen them so that the deep pain and alienation he felt for this reality wouldn't affect his studies and what little bit of pleasant moments his life still contained, he wiped away his tears and got ready for school.

He would not let his desperation control him.