The Alicorn Next Door

by deadpansnarker

Rating: teen
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3680

Picture the scene: You've just watched the final episode of your favourite show. Then just as you're getting ready to move on with your life, a van pulls up outside.. and you have a new equine neighbour. How do you react? Hopefully not like this guy.

Picture the scene: You've just watched the final episode of your favourite show. Then just as you're getting ready to move on with your life, a van pulls up outside.. and you have a new equine neighbour. How do you react? Hopefully not like this guy.

Does the phrase 'never meet your heroes' mean anything? Just who is the real victim here? Read on, and judge for yourself.

Published 2021-07-21 15:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-07-27 19:45:41 UTC

Chapter One: Hello Neighbour

“...How the friendship ggrroowwss!” So a fully-grown Princess Twilight Sparkle sung the final refrain, as she and her now older friends left us in the final episode of the show.

“No, don’t go…” I blubbed feebly, already in hysterical tears from the previous 22 minutes of devastating emotional trauma. Why must good things come to an end? Well, not Teen Titans Go!.

(Remember, I said good things).

But there was nothing I could do, short of a pointless online petition. The Main Six together with a buffed-up Spike and Twilight’s new pupil Luster Dawn strolled off into the sunset together, and the same book which opened the show closed it forever.

I might’ve appreciated that clever detail a bit more, if I wasn’t already inconsolable with grief.

But what I mourned was far worse than the loss of any meagre pet or beloved family member.

This amazing show… that had been a regular part of my life for nearly ten years... which had even saved me when I was at my lowest ebb... was now gone for good.

No more of Applejack’s homespun wisdom… Fluttershy’s sweet shyness… Rarity’s fabulous stylings… Rainbow Dash's unparalleled coolness… Pinkie Pie’s hilarious humour… Spike’s epic sass…

And Twilight. Dear, dear Twilight. What would I do without her invaluable advice to help me through the endless abyss that is my wretched life?

Forget the Bible, Torah or any lame self-help guide. All of life’s answers can be found in a garishly day-glo flash-animated children’s television show...

...From the mouths of talking ungulates. Who’d have thunk it?

“I-It’s not fair. It’s just not fair…” I cried into my extra-large Celestia plushie. “Why did you have to retire? If you and Luna hadn’t left your jobs, Twilight wouldn’t have taken over, the show wouldn’t have been cancelled and… I’m kinda acting like a crazy person aren’t I?”

I didn’t expect her to answer that.

Acting like fictional characters were somehow responsible for taking MLP off the air might’ve seemed mad, but right now I was looking to something, anything to blame for this gaping hole left in my heart (and viewing schedule).

The fans for making it less popular than it used to be?

The writers for ditching this modern classic for whatever the heck ‘Pony Life’ was?

Hasbro for choosing to end it now to start preparing for G5 in a few years?

“Ugh, my head hurts…” I threw down my now drenched giant cuddly toy to switch off the monitor, and clear up the assorted snack wrappers from around the area. “First, I’m gonna take a couple of aspirin. Then, it’s straight online for me to comment on what I thought of the series finale. Verdict: ‘An emotional roller coaster which had me crying with sadness and weeping for joy.’ I swear, if my quotes were put on movie posters, I could make a living from it! Then, I wouldn’t be the sad, unemployed sad-sack still living in his parents house that reality reminds me I am every second of the day… hello?”

My pathetic expositioning had to be suspended for now, as a large lorry pulled up next door. I glanced outside with interest, knowing even before I looked what the reason for its presence might be.

Ah, I see the new neighbours have finally arrived with their moving-in van. Well, whoever they are, they’re bound to be an improvement on old Mrs Miggins and her pet rat… sorry, I meant ‘dog’. She was always accusing me of stealing her newspaper or drinking her milk; and I’m pretty sure Towser didn’t like me much either. It’s a good job that little hairy mosquito was usually tied up, or my entire set of chinos would’ve chewed up long ago. Memories, ‘sigh’...

Still with a raging headache, my mind continued to speculate their identity as I made my way to the bathroom cabinet where the painkillers were kept. Maybe a family? Hopefully not, too noisy. Perhaps a single guy? No, he’d provide too much competition for all the babes ‘round here. Single girl? Nah, I’m not ready to make that level of commitment… wait, did I just contradict myself?

I argued internally whilst getting a glass of water, before wandering back to the window to see a few big burly lads unloading the stuff inside. Wow, that sure is a lot of books! Maybe they’re planning on opening their own private library? I don’t know what’s under that cloth, but it seems familiar somehow. Like, an enormous table? H-Hang on a sec. Is that a crown? Are we having royalty move in? To this street?! Someone at Google Maps is sure getting fired tomorrow. I just can’t wait to see the look on His or Her Lordship’s face when they emerge from their carriage to f-find…

Then, it happened. The following events took place (roughly) in the following order. Brace yourselves:

Jaw… hit the floor.

Glass of water… spilled everywhere.

Aspirin… fell right out of mouth. (though, later on I’d check if I hadn’t taken a hallucinogenic by mistake).

Yes, dear reader: what you are about to hear straight from the horses’s (or pony’s) mouth is no word of a lie.

For no other than my four-legged equine idol, everyone’s favourite nerdish bookworm and Princess of Friendship herself Twilight bloomin’ Sparkle was the next sentient being to emerge from the overstuffed vehicle, fussing and fuming as she instructed the delivery men to take out her personal items with the due care and consideration they were worth. “Watch out with that cutlery! It’s solid, polished silver I’ll have you know! And that Starswirl The Bearded costume has just been laundered. Please try not to crease it! Also, leave that Friendship Journal with me! The contents are far too valuable for me to entrust it to total strangers… oh, hi!”

Too taken aback to hide away, too astonished to proffer a proper greeting back, I numbly waved at the alicorn as she spotted me while doing her inventory. It’s good to see her back to her old size. She did look rather odd in the last episode. I mean, I appreciate we all have to ‘grow up’ at some point, but that was too much, and… wait, what the heck am I thinking?!

I almost slapped myself, normalising this rampant insanity as if it were actually happening. Characters from TV shows do not just crawl out of the screen and move in next door to you! I must be having some sort of seizure brought on by the effects of the show I adore coming to an end. Yes, that’s it! This is some kind of undiagnosed PTSD. My parents will find me soon in a gibbering pool of drool and take me to hospital, hopefully before I swallow my own tongue…

“Shh now. Don’t fret, My Little Human. Your problems are over. I’m here to help you, and as soon as my friends have finished with their business back home they’ll be arriving too. Just tell me what’s troubling you, and I’ll do my best to provide an acceptable solution. After all, I have nine seasons worth of experience to rely on…!”

What the… why do I feel so warm and cozy all of a sudden? Where did Tara Strong’s voice come from? Where did Twilight disappear to outside? Just what on Earth is going on around here?!

To cut a long story short, the upshot of it was: Good ol’ Twily must’ve seen me looking justifiably stunned from her vantage point on the ground floor. Being a Princess who could never ignore a creature in distress, even a skinny hairless ape, she blinked herself to my side in an instant…

Hence the warm wing-hug. And the soothing tones in my ear. And the lack of personal space (remember folks: magical ponies can’t catch Covid).

A million different thoughts bubbled through my head at this crucial moment. I wanted to run away screaming. I wanted to hug tighter. I wanted to boop her snoop, tousle her mane, feel her horn. I wanted to ask her if this was really happening, and why everyone outside seemed quite comfortable with the existence of a talking four-foot winged lavender equine trotting about.

But of course, that would be acknowledging any of this was real. Which I wasn’t ready to do just yet. Because therein lies the path to madness.

So instead, I said the first thing that popped into my utterly overwhelmed cranium. “W-What a-are y-you d-doing h-here?!”

Hardly Shakespeare, but I think you can forgive me for being slightly tongue-tied considering the surreality of the situation.

Twilight took a step back, and observed me with a radiant smile. “Why, to answer your wish of course, silly!. When I heard such a heartbreaking plea of pure innocence, I just had to come down as soon as I could. Even though it meant suspending my reign, forsaking my full power temporarily, relocating to another dimension and persuading all my closest confidantes to come with me. Which took a lot of work and preparation, let me tell you. But it’s no sacrifice, for somecreature so desperately in need. We’re all here for you, Freddie…”

I have no idea why, and considering what’d just happened the last few minutes it didn’t mean much in the great scheme of things, but Twilight’s faux pas brought an instant correction from me. “Freddie? Who’s Freddie?”

“Why, you are of course, Freddie! Four-year-old Freddie White! You don’t have to pretend with me: I’m only here to help you as best I can, and…” Twilight seemed so happy and carefree it seemed almost a crime to have to correct her: but the fact remained…

...She was wrong.

“A-Actually, it’s Eddie Wright. And I’m twenty-four. And a half.”

“Are..are you sure…?” Twilight’s luminescent mood seemed to fade for a second, as she levitated a nearby notebook to quickly flick through.

“Positive. After all, it’s the name I was born with. I even have a birth certificate that proves it and everything. I-I think it’s in the filing cabinet downstairs...”

“S-So that means…” Twilight’s face was an unreadable mixture of a menagerie of expressions, none of them good. In the end though, they all seemed to settle on just one word to show their mutual fury…

“SPIKE!!!!”

Author's Note

Just had this crazy idea last night I just had to type up. Let's see how it does, and what I can add to it. Thanks for reading! :twilightsheepish:

Chapter Two: The Gangs All Here

You know, I never asked for any of this to happen.

The rules were simple: eke out my mediocre existence one dreary day at a time, and in return this fictitious fantasyland I observed on my HD screen would provide me with half-an-hour of cheap thrills a week (bar the odd in-your-face toy commercial).

I didn’t particularly harbour any great ambitions for the two disparate worlds to collide, even in bad fanfiction. ‘Keep your personal and private lives separate’: I’ve always considered those to be some pretty wise words.

Particularly as the few friends I confided in about the whole concept of ‘bronies’ treated it like a confession that I was a professional chicken molestor. So I laughed off the outrageous suggestion I could derive any enjoyment from a ‘girls cartoon show’, and that was that.

I swear, if it hadn’t been for the welcoming Internet community, I’d have gone insane. Eddie, the mild-mannered chinless wonder, became the far more popular TwilightStan4321, and together with my other mostly anonymous forum buddies we discussed at great length the physiological and philosophical ruminations of these deceptively complex equine characters.

I’d never attended any conventions either, mostly because none ever seemed to be attracted to the smalltown boonies I called home, but also due to my own latent anxieties: What happens if someone recognises me? What if word got back to my folks? Would I be the pariah of my little social circle?

You might think I’m overreacting, but you haven’t met my strict parents or my shallow acquaintances. Open-minded is not the first adjective that springs to mind to describe them, so basically over the years I’d built an imaginary partition between this niche fandom, and my personal life.

Until now, everything had all been going rather swimmingly.

But, on that fateful day, all that careful planning and meticulous strategising looked to have finally come crashing down around me...

Literally.

………………..

CRASH! “Um, sorry Twi. I was just putting my comic books in sequential order when I heard you yell. I don’t even know where I’m gonna store them: my new room is like a broom cupboard compared to back in the palace… oh, hello there! You must be Freddie: say, you’re a bit taller than I thought you’d be…”

That was (who else) a slightly dazed Spike answering his mistress’s call, demonstrating how not to land whilst flying through a window. Like Twilight, he’d seemingly reverted back to his pre-finale self, with leathery wings but without all the extra bulk attached around his body.

I’m sure there was a logical explanation for his (and her) physical regression, but right now that was the very least of my questions.

“ Oh, hi there Spike! So good of you to join us. Allow me to provide introductions. Eddie, this is Spike, allegedly the number-one assistant in all of Equestria. Spike, this is Eddie White: a twenty-four year old human male I don’t know much about, but I can tell you one thing: he hasn’t made any wishes on falling stars in the recent past. Correct me if I’m in the wrong here, Eddie…”

“W-What? Oh, yes.” I stammered, not expecting to be called upon so suddenly in my overwhelmed state. “No star-wishing for me!!”

“Right. That being the case…” At this point Twilight’s snarkiness became low and dangerous, a side to her we hadn’t really seen since season one and her responsibilities as a Princess kicked in. “...We’ve used up every bit of dimensional-hopping power we have to get here, with no hope of getting back anytime soon, and we’ve come to the wrong address?! How is this even possible? An explanation would be nice. I’m waiting...”

“H-Huh?!” Spike separated himself from my broken chair (we could discuss remunerations later) to stare dumbfounded at me, then at Twilight. “B-But I checked, and double-checked all the details myself, a full week before we made the journey! Are you absolutely positive you’re not Freddie White?”

“Why does everyone keep asking me that?! Yes. Yes I am!” I responded indignantly with my arms crossed, my astonished expression turning to one of irritation. After today, I may not be sure of anything anymore, but my name is my name and that’s non-negotiable.

“B-But, it’s not possible. I did everything by the letter!” Spike protested his innocence whilst pacing up and down my room, as Twilight raised a skeptical eyebrow. “I catalogued the wish… pinpointed the location… recorded the route… paused for a snack, then… oops.”

“Let me stop you right there. I’m very interested in that ‘oops’.” Twilight raised her hoof, whilst communicating in that low passive-aggressive tone all good leaders use so well.

“Well, as you know I don’t work too well on an empty stomach. It was only a sapphire sandwich and a glass of water. I think I’m entitled to a break for refreshments every few hours…”

“I’m not disputing your need for basic nourishment. I’m more interested in getting to the bottom of what happened, to make this currently unfolding catastrophe understandable!” Twilight visibly rolled her eyes at the dragon’s stalling tactics, and even I found myself feeling sympathy towards his plight. You’re not helping yourself, bud.

“What happened? O-Oh, yes! Well, I may have got a teensy-bit of dust in my nose, and I might have ever-so-slightly sneezed a tad, which may have caused the water to spill a trickle. Or a lot. Hard to say, it was so long ago…”

“I see. And where did this liquid happen to spill, in case I didn’t already know?” Twilight’s calm demeanour was impressive, considering the amount of pent-up tension that must’ve been building inside her stressed-out egghead.

“Um. A bit on the floor, but mostly…” Spike hesitated to confirm what both me and Twilight had already guessed, instead coming up with a litany of excuses. “How was I to know the ink would run so easily? A-And I was allergic to the ancient parchment I wrote on? Not to mention…”

“Spike. Part of being my number-one assistant is admitting when you messed up, not grasping for reasons as to why. To be honest, I’m more disappointed by your failure to take full ownership of your mistakes, than the actual incident.” Twilight gently chided the dragon with a sad shake of the head, which in its own way must’ve been worse than if she’d got properly angry at him.

“I-I’m sorry, Twi. I-I didn’t think it’d make any difference…” Spike looked about ready to cry, and if I wasn’t quite convinced yet this was some kind of elaborate fever dream I might’ve rushed over there to comfort him.

“Well, it did Spike. It did.” Twilight snapped back with a frown, but perhaps now recognising that getting cross wouldn’t solve anything, switched her tone to a more conciliatory one.. “Still, it does present us with a major problem. Here we are, in an unfamiliar setting, with no way of returning or even contacting our friends. They’re probably halfway here already anyway, completely unaware that our current location is erroneous…”

“E-rony-what?” Despite being confused at pretty much everything up till now, I scratched the back of my head at the unfamiliar word. One of Twilight’s many dictionaries I saw being unloaded would’ve come in handy.

“ ‘Erroneous’. It’s the Nerd Word for ‘wrong’.” Spike unexpectedly piped in smugly, to my and Twilight’s considerable surprise. “...What? You don’t proofread a billion speeches about friendship by the most overly articulate alicorn in Equestria, without learning a few things.”

“Very impressive, Spike. Shame you didn’t show the same due diligence in making sure we reached the right address, but never mind.” Twilight still obviously needed time to fully forgive her assistant, but being a practical pony she seemed ready to push his error to the side for now. “...As I was saying, soon the rest of the girls will be here for our mission, and we don’t even know where we are now or how to get there! Oh, why didn’t I just stay in the castle…?”

“U-Um. Maybe you could try… I dunno, the internet?”

My lips moved of their accord, catching both my uninvited houseguests off-guard. Twilight was the first to respond to my blurted-out offer. “ ‘In-the-net’? Is that a sporting, or a fishing term? Either way, I don’t see how it could help…”

“No, ‘Internet’. The World Wide Web. Which has nothing to do with spiders, before you ask. How can you know what ‘erroneous’ means, but have never heard of…” I sighed at the futility of this train of thought and just decided to try explaining. “Look. I’m not sure how much you knew about Earth technology before coming here, but there are these things called ‘computers’ that allow you to connect to a network full of information where you can find out basically anything. Including, I’d wager, this ‘Freddie White’ you seem so keen on tracking down.”

“Wait. Don’t you use books for that kind of thing?” Twilight looked in my direction suspiciously, as if daring me to challenge the supremacy of the written word as opposed to the technological superhighway.

“Y-Yes, of course we do. But this is more convenient.” I replied, unwilling to upset her with just how many local libraries had closed due to the impact of modern appliances. “Anyway, before I try and help you with that, I have a few questions of my own. If you don’t mind me enquiring, of course.”

“Hmm. Well, considering how we’ve interrupted your day, invaded your home and damaged your furniture, I’d say that was a reasonable request… wait, is that a doll of Princess Celestia on the floor? And why is she so.. dirty?” Twilight seemed to cheer up momentarily, before the odd sight of her old teacher in plushie form jarred her temperament.

“...Never mind that for now. Just stay where you both are, and let me think of what I want to say please.” Gee Eddie, this is your big chance to get the inside scoop on what you thought by now only existed in the realms of fantasy! Don’t blow it. I’ll start all casual-like, by asking her how Cantelot is doing and if ruling Equestria is all it's cracked up to be, then I’ll try probing a little deeper. Namely: If Spike ever discovered who his real parents are, and where the heck Cozy Glow came from…

But just as I was preparing myself for the mother of all interrogations, fate decided to throw another spanner in my works.

...Or a rather large hot-air balloon by my bedroom window, which’d rapidly approached unheard until now, laden with five unmistakable ponies from which I’d derived many hours of entertainment…

Actually, better make that six.

“Hey, all!” Pinkie Pie was the first to speak, cradling a gently dozing equine figure in her hooves. “I know you said not to bring anypony else, but I just could not get L’il Cheese to settle without me. Plus I thought: when is he gonna get the chance to see a whole new dimension again? ...Apart from the one Discord shares with Fluttershy, I mean. Anyhow, I’ve brought my party cannon along too. who’s ready for ffuunn…(!)”

Author's Note

New chapter alert. It's been fun expanding on this germ of an idea I had, and don't worry: if you have any questions about the setting or characters, most of them will be answered in the subsequent chapters. Unless you don't mind being spoiled, that is. Until next time then.... :rainbowdetermined2: