Warning! Muffins Crossing!

by shortskirtsandexplosions

Rating: everyone
Tags: Derpy Hooves, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer
Length: 4667

It's Starlight Glimmer's first week in Ponyville and she attempts to cross the street. Somepony really should have warned her...

It's Starlight Glimmer's first week in Ponyville and she attempts to cross the street. Somepony really should have warned her...

Published 2021-07-26 00:30:08 UTC
Last updated 2021-07-26 00:30:08 UTC

Start SEEING Bubbles

“Oh dearie me...” A plump Earth Pony mare fanned herself while gazing disparagingly at a sheet of paper on the front counter of Sugarcube Corner. “I should have planned today better! With Pinkie Pie off on some spontaneous friendship adventure in Appleloosa, who am I going to get to deliver the banana bread to the Doodle residence?”

“Ooh! Oooh!” Right then and there, a perky young unicorn galloped up to the front of the bakery. Skidding to a stop, she waved her hoof high. “Allow me, ma'am! I'll gladly make that delivery for you!”

The baker did a double-take, squinting awkwardly at the random patron. “I-I'm so sorry, dear. You are...?”

“Ahem... Starlight Glimmer at your service, ma'am!” The former leader of Our Town curtsied before throwing on a nervous smile. “I heard you mention Pinkie Pie! She's a friend of mine!”

“She is...??”

“Erm... what I mean is...” Starlight Glimmer gestured with one hoof. “She's the friend of a friend of mine...” She gestured with the other hoof. “More like... the friend of a pony who's teaching me about friendship as an applicable life-changing philosophy...” Clearing her throat, she brushed her swirly mane back. “And... thaaaaat's what I'm here in this middle-of-nowhere mud farming town to do! To learn about friendship! Eheheh!” She brushed at her mane again. A tiny squirm. “Don't mind me. The hairdo is sorta new.”

“I... see...” The mare nodded. “Well, Ms. Glimmer, my name is Cup Cake. And I'm pleased as a peach to see a generous young pony like you giving such a kind and humble offer, but I'm sorry to say that money is somewhat tight this month and I really can't afford to hire anypony for part-time assistance...”

“Oh no no no no no no!” Starlight Glimmer shook her head, smiling emphatically. “You don't have to pay me! No payment required, whatsoever! Consider this a free gesture of social kindness and mutual appreciation!” She struck a proud pose... … … which crumbled precisely three seconds later under a sheen of eye-bulging panic. “Erm... n-n-not that th-there's anything wrong with a c-capitalistic economy and the free enterprise of exchanging services and goods!”

“Uhhhh—”

“Absolute equality can corrupt... uhm... absolutely!”

“I... suppose...?”

“You bet your button nose!” Starlight sweated a bit, smiling full of teeth. “I, for one, happen to be a ginormous proponent of laissez-le galoper!” She pumped a fetlock into the air, winking. “'Pull yourself up by your horseshoe-straps!' That's what I always say—!”

“Say! You know what??” Cup Cake jolted behind the counter and thrust the brown package of banana bread into Starlight's grasp. “Here you go, sweetie! The task is yours this afternoon!”

Starlight gasped adorably, her eyes practically shining. “Oh wow! Really?”

“Yes, dearie! Your neighborly generosity has won me over! Please, do carry this across town for me.” Mrs. Cake smiled, coughing out the side of her muzzle. “Alongwithyourrhetoric.”

“Considered it signed, sealed, and delivered!” Starlight Glimmer saluted and turned around. “I won't let you down—”

“Erm... don't you wish to know the destination?”

“... … ...” Starlight slowly pirouetted back on the same hooves. “...that would probably be a good thing! Yes, please, fill me in.”

“Alright, hun.” Cup Cake pointed nebulously southwest. “The address is 828 Meadow Bend. It's a lone cottage house on the edge of the Everfree Forest, just two blocks south from the Clock Tower. The recipients are Cranky and Matilda Doodle. It would be impossible to mistake them. They're a quaint elderly couple. Somewhat the reclusive types...”

Starlight Glimmer stared blankly at Cup Cake.

The baker continued. “That is to say, they're antisocial and a tad bit off-putish in their ways.”

Starlight Glimmer's stare persisted.

Cup Cake bit her lip. “Y'know... they're old-fashioned... stubborn personalities...”

Starlight didn't even blink.

Cup Cake's ears flattened. “They're donkeys.”

“Oh! Got it!” Starlight nodded with a grin. She turned and trotted out the door. “Thanks! That helps a lot!”

“I'm sure it does.” Cup Cake waved. “Celestia-speed, dearie! If you get lost, don't hesitate to stop and ask for directions!”

“I won't let you down, Ms. Cake!” With a flick of her tail, Starlight balanced the small brown bag of banana bread on her flank and exited Sugarcube Corner. “You can count on me!”

It was a beautiful summer afternoon in Ponyville. If life had a color to it, Starlight Glimmer would choose “emerald.” From the treetops of Everfree Forest in the west to the farm fields towards the south to the rolling plains bordering the northern edge of town, the world was simply humming with lush earthen vigor and bathed in a deliciously moist heat. To the east, a sharp mountain range jutted skyward, and the foundations of Canterlot and its magnificent castle spires could perpetually be seen looming high above the valley like an omnipresent sentry. It was a constant call to greatness—both civil and moral, a feeling that Starlight Glimmer was presently saturated with. The pressing words and virtues of Twilight Sparkle weighed heavily in her mind during this new phase of her life. But—equating it all to the beauty of Ponyville and its surroundings—Starlight felt considerably less burdened.

What's more, she had a simple friendly task to do. Surely this would earn her stripes, even if only in some abstract sense.

“Alright... 828 Meadow Bend... the south of town...” Starlight Glimmer gazed past the gold-thatched rooftops stretching before her. Her purple eyes caught sight of the clock tower peaking above the rustic architecture. “Ah! There's our landmark!” She cracked the kinks in her neck. “What's to fret about? This will be a cinch!”

Starlight Glimmer then proceeded to cross the road—

WA-POWWWWWWWWW!!!

—the universe spun twelve times. By the moment Starlight's vision returned, she saw four flailing hooves dancing before a great blue sky beneath her. Within a heartbeat, treetops and roofs flew up past her peripheral, and she realized that she had been painfully propelled five stories upwards... only now to be plummeting straight down, spine-first.

“AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—!!!” she warbled, before—

THUD!!!

A new smoldering crater had been formed in the middle of the street. There—in the dead center of a unicorn-shaped muddy impression—Starlight Glimmer lay, legs stretching crookedly skyward. To a random observer, she likely resembled a dead cockroach, only slightly cuter and more communist. She didn't sob in pain or curse the heavens for what just happened to her five seconds ago. She merely blinked... and stared... and waited for a great battle to be fought between her senses and her sentience.

“That... it... what...?”

But before Starlight could form a cohesive statement—

WHUMP!

—the package of banana bread fell squarely across her muzzle.

“Ooomf!” She winced, rubbed her muzzle, and bent her aching forelimbs down to cradle the package. Seeing that the delivery item was in one piece brought a blissful ounce of relief to the otherwise hellish moment. “Oh thank Celestia!” she wheezed rapturously.

“Mrmmmff! Celestia? Where?” a mousey voice echoed from somewhere beyond the crater. “All I see is wood!”

“... … …???” Slowly, agonizingly, Starlight Glimmer tilted her neck upwards to peer beyond the volcanic rim of the fresh ditch she was in.

The first thing she saw were bubbles. Then a butt. Bubbles on a butt—a simple cutie mark plastered against simple gray fur. It wasn't a personal habit of Starlight's to stare at other mares' flanks, but in this case it was rather unavoidable. The mare before her was all butt, for the front half of her had been deeply embedded into the trunk of a tall oak tree. A hard-impact trail of skidding hooftracks led from the crater directly to the ill-fated flora at the side of the street that Starlight had just attempted crossing.

“Grnnnngh... hrngggg... mmmmm-come on Equestriaaaaaaa—!” Finally—with a splintery wooden POP!!—a blond pegasus broke free from the inner pulp of the tree. “Guaaaaaaah!” She gasped for breath, trotting dizzily in a ditzy little circle. A bulging saddlebag hung unevenly from her barrel, spilling envelopes and parcels onto the sundered earth. “Hah! I knew she wasn't Princess Celestia! Too much bark and sap! Heeheehe!” A wincing expression, and the mare rubbed her scalp through feathery gold tresses. “Guhhhhhhhhh... that'll knock a few blueberries loose...”

“Uhhhhhhh...” Starlight Glimmer blinked rapidly.

“Oh! You there!” The pegasus zig-zagged towards Starlight in the middle of the street, fuzzy ears flicking to shake loose a swirling wave of dizziness. The only thing even about the mare was her smile, and it anchored her to the most recent victim of her wayward inertia. “Sorry about that, Mr. Squirrel! Sometimes I really can't see what frolics into the path of a fresh delivery until it screams at me!”

“I'm not a squirrel,” Starlight belched.

“But you're not hurt bad, are you, Mr. Squirrel?” The mare cocked her head aside, that goofy smile remaining locked to a distant vanishing point on the horizon behind Starlight. “Quick! How many hooves am I holding up?”

“... … ...” Starlight squinted.

One of the mailmare's eyes orbited skyward while the other sank towards the earth's mantle. “Hah! Trick question! Hee hee hee!” The lower lids of her eyes curved with the smile; this did nothing to freeze her pendulous pupils in place. “That one always weeds out the insurance scammers! But you? You're just fiiiiiiiiiiiine, Mr. Squirrel!” She pointed three feet to Starlight's left. “Best to look both ways before crossing the street next time! It's what I do!” She pivoted forty-five degrees and walked straight into a mailbox. CLANG! “Ouchies!” Her eyes swiveled as she rubbed a frowny muzzle—then gasped with joy. “Sugarcube Corner! Pizz-fah-wizz!” She thrust a hoof into her mailbag and shoved a stash of letters into the box. “Right on time! Hee hee! Life is good!”

“Uhmmmmm...” Starlight grimaced slightly, her gaze darting between the mare's eyes and the mare's mail—half of which was missing the mailbox completely and falling to the street. “...ma'am, are you alright?”

“I'm made of mostly water and carbon! How about you?”

“Uhhhh...”

“Whoops!” The pegasus gazed at a nonexistent watch on her fetlock. “As much as I'd love to stay around and talk, I've got a few more rounds to do!” She flapped her wings and zipped skyward, barreling through the swinging store sign of Sugarcube Corner in the process. “A fresh wave of packages destined for Dream Valley! Can't leave them wanting this generation! Zoop!”

Soon, the violent living meteor became a gray splotch on the horizon, vanishing like a feather against a bright blue breadspread.

Starlight remained lying on her back, hugging the banana bread like a body pillow.

“... … … … … … what???”

A random pony's voice issued from beyond the flattened mare's line of sight. “Are you okay over there, Miss?”

“I... think I'm alive.” Starlight gulped. “Unfortunately.”

“Here. Lemme lend you a hoof.”

Starlight felt herself being gently lifted up. She found herself staring at a fellow unicorn with a vibrant mauve coat.

“Th-thanks,” Starlight teetered slightly, careful not to drop the banana bread. “Miss...?”

“Amethyst Star.” The mare smiled. “I see you ran into our resident mailmare.”

“THAT... was Ponyville's mailmare?”

“Mmmhmm! She actually makes deliveries with record speed! Just...” Amethyst Star rubbed one fetlock bashfully with the other. “...she sorta pinballs her way there. Usually things go more smoothly on her counter-clockwise days.”

“Well...” Starlight rubbed the back of her neck, wincing. “There was nothing smooth about her ramming into me like a cataclysmic comet.”

“Oh, Derpy meant nothing bad about it, I swear~”

Starlight blinked. “Derpy...?”

“Derpy!” Amethyst Smile smiled. “Derpy Hooves! You must really be new to Ponyville if you haven't heard about our resident mascot!”

“That...” Starlight shifted uncomfortably. “...that's a little insulting, don't you think?”

“What? That we'd choose a slightly clumsy mailmare to represent Ponyville?” Amethyst giggled. “Believe me. This town isn't quite as sleepy as you might think. Chaos abounds on a weekly basis—”

“No. Of that, I've been told. But that name.” Starlight rubbed the last aching kinks out of her neck. “Derpy Hooves. Sounds a bit ableist, don't you think?”

Amethyst tilted her nose up haughtily. “If only you've tasted her trademark raisin muffins, you'd know for a fact that she's able to do anything!”

“Ahem...” Starlight daintily coughed. “I meant nothing bad by the insinuation. My apologies.” A kind smile. “I think I got off on the wrong hoof. My name's Starlight Glimmer. Thanks for helping me out of that ditch just now.”

“A pleasure!” Amethyst curtsied. “I've always found it my personal task to keep things straight and organized around here—that includes pratfallen citizens!” A wink. “Granted, my job has gotten a whole lot easier since Twilight Sparkle moved into town. Peace and order has skyrocketed. Paradoxically, however, so have the number of pratfalling incidents.”

“I... see...”

Amethyst squinted. “...have you met Twilight Sparkle?”

“She's... kinda sorta my mentor these days, actually.” Starlight cleared her throat. “How could you tell?”

“You have a certain trailing sense of adorkableness wafting off of you. It's infectious.”

“Uh... thanks?”

“Heehee! Anytime!”

“Can I ask a stupid question?” Starlight braved.

“After that tumble you took, I think you more than deserve it!”

Starlight looked off in the horizon where the mailmare vanished. “What's... wrong with her eyes?”

“Whose? Derpy's?”

“Yyyyyyeah...” Starlight nervously recoiled.

Amethyst merely shrugged. “Nothing, really.”

“They don't seem... I dunno... messed up to you?”

“Derpy's eyes aren't wrong. Just different.”

“She mistook the tree she plowed into for Princess Celestia.” Starlight's eyes narrowed. “And me for a squirrel.”

“Heehee... well... that's just silly!”

“... … ...a male squirrel.”

“Oh. Uhm.” Amethyst Star blushed slightly. “Nopony's perfect.”

“Of that, I'm well aware."

“So, you got your balance again?” Amethyst Star looked Starlight sideways. “All the cobwebs loose?”

“Yeah. I think I'm good. Uh...” Starlight pointed towards the clock tower. “Say... is 828 Meadow Bend over yonder?”

“Hmmm?” Amethyst cocked her head aside. “Meadow Bend?”

“... … ...” Starlight blinked. “Where the donkeys live.”

“Ohhhhhh! Cranky and Matilda!” Amethyst nodded with a bright smile. “Yup! Just swing right past the clock tower, and you'll find their cottage on the edge of the forest! You can't miss it!”

“Thanks.” Starlight Glimmer nodded and turned around. “Y'know... for everything...”

Amethyst waved before taking her leave. “Don't mention it!”

Trotting across the street, Starlight couldn't help but sigh. “...although what I could use right now is a good neurosurgeon—”

WHA-BLAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!

Starlight's vision flashed white from a monumental impact. In the next blink, she found herself sailing straight for a pawn shop's storefront across the street.

“AAAAAAAAA—!!!”

WHACK!!!!!!

She bounced off, twirled like a boulder from a trebuchet high in the air, and sailed straight for a hotel rooftop.

“—BUCKKKKKKKKKKKK—!!!!!”

CLUNK!!!!!!

The last impact sent her sprawling earthward, through the boughs of a familiar oak tree, so that she ricocheted violently across every branch and twig.

THUNK!

“OOMF!”

BONK!

“AGH!”

TH-THAP!

“GUH!”

Finally, she landed upside down on the rough earth below, rattling acorns in every direction.

THUD!!!!!!

Less than a millisecond later—

SCREEEEEEEECH!!! The offending projectile—Derpy Hooves—skidded to a stop just a few muddy inches from Starlight's upside-down muzzle.

“Guhhhhh...!” Derpy's eyes rolled and rolled and rolled and rolled and... swiveled to a stop. Blinking. “Hi again, Mr. Squirrel! Say—what are you doing in Dream Valley?” THAP!!! The package of banana bread fell neatly atop her blond mane. “Oh! And you brought your child!” A beaming, muddy smile. “Mazel tov!”

“Grfff...” Starlight Glimmer surrendered to gravity, her lower body flopping down onto a set of oaken roots. “I'm not a squirrel,” she rasped.

“Small world, isn't it, Mr. Squirrel?” Derpy hopped up, shook the dirt flakes loose, and brushed the package of banana bread clean. “Y'know, they say that an average pony eats about three spiders in a lifetime of sleep.” She squinted at the wrapped goods. “Or is that strawberries? Oh, I really hope it's the latter. In any case...” She giggled and shrugged. “Life is full of surprises! And I'm really happy to be surprised twice in one day by you!”

“What... are the statistical probabilities...” Starlight rolled over, sitting dizzily with her tongue hanging loose. “...of a mass extinction event in our lifetime...?”

“Awwwwww! Don't be like that, Mr. Squirrel!” Derpy helped the unicorn up and brushed her mane clean. “Look!” She plopped the banana bread back into Starlight's grasp. “You've got a healthy baby girl!”

Starlight frowned at her. “Miss Hooves, you've slammed into me twice in the span of ten minutes.”

“Oops.” Derpy blushed, ears flattening sheepishly. “Did I forget to wear the hat?”

“...the hat?”

“One sniffet...!” Derpy reached and rummaged, rummaged, rummaged through her saddlebag. “...I swear, I forget to put it on every morning... there!”

At last, she slapped a blue baseball cap on her scalp that read: 'Be Patient | With Me | I Have | Muffins'

“Although, to be honest, it sorta gets in the way of being aerodynamic on the job~” Derpy hummed.

Starlight looked at the smashed pawn shop storefront, the dented hotel rooftop, and the two new craters in the road. “You don't say...”

“So, just how did you get to Dream Valley so fast?” Derpy winked, trotting past the unicorn. “Did your fuzzy kiddo give you an extra tail wind?”

“Uhm...” Starlight teetered in an attempt to follow her. “This isn't Dream Vall—”

“I'd bring my daughter along if the union would let me!” Derpy approached the Sugarcube Corner mailbox. “Except Dinky's a unicorn; and unicorns can't fly!” She opened the lid, frowned at the stuffed contents, and yanked the envelopes out and onto the muddy street below. “I mean, I guess they could if you tossed them hard enough!” She then proceeded to shove and cram and stuff an extraordinarily large cardboard box into the post container. “But nopony's tossing my muffin! Not without putting a helmet on her first!” CHUNK! The mailbox fell over completely, leaving the crumpled parcel balanced precariously atop the wooden post. “There!” Derpy grinned towards opposite horizons. “Another satisfied customer!”

“Do you... uhm...” Starlight fidgeted. “...need help?”

“Hmmm? Who, me? Nope!” Derpy giggled. “I've already got a full list of foalsitters for every day of the week! Thankies!” She sat on her haunches and clapped her front hooves together in unbridled joy. “My little muffin's gonna be a firefighter someday!”

“A firefighter...”

“Well, she certainly puts out enough fires around the house! Practice makes perfect!” Derpy squinted off into the nebulous distance. “Who knew cereal was just so flammable...”

“Uhhhhh...”

“Whelpies, I'm off to Manehattan!” Derpy saluted the air before taking off like a headless horsefly. “It's a longggggggg flight!” She swiveled her blue cap backwards and licked her lips. “But nothing a good cool glide can't cover! Stay fuzzy, Mr. Squirrel! Good luck with the lil' one's schooling!”

SWOOOOOOOOOOSH!!! The mailmare rocketed violently overhead, producing a few sonic claps along the way.

“Guh!” Starlight Glimmer ducked low, shivering. She couldn't help it.

“I know that look.”

Still hunching, a hyperventilating Starlight glanced towards the nearest sidewalk.

A cream-colored earth pony with pastel hair stood beside a mint green unicorn.

“You've been visited by the Derpy Express~” The earth pony smiled, a mischievous glimmer in her eyes. “Don't worry. It only hurts the first time!”

“That was my second time!” Starlight spat. “They should really put up a warning sign or something!”

“Oh, they did. Believe me, they did. She just...” The earth pony blushed, pawing the ground. “...crashed into them all.”

“She's a living, flying s-safety hazard!”

“Eh...” The mare waved a lazy hoof. “You'll get used to it.”

“What if I don't want to get used to it?!?!” Starlight Glimmer stammered, shaking from head to tail. She nearly dropped the banana bread once or twice. “What if I don't want to experience concussions on a daily basis?!?”

The earth pony looked at her companion. “If she freaks out this much over the mail, wait 'til she sees the Ursa Majors and parasprite swarms!”

“Parasprites?!?” Starlight huffed, turning positively pale. “What kind of a village is this?!?”

“A very lively one, I promise you!” The mare giggled. “Look, my name's Bon Bon. And I can tell when somepony's nerves need to be calmed.” She gestured. “How about after you've finished with whatever business you're concerned with, you come by my confectionery just a block west of Town Hall? It's got the rainbow colored awning and faces a concrete fountain. You can't miss it.” A friendly smile. “I'll let you try out my patented Caramel Sprinkled Surprise! It'll be on the house!”

“Candy sprinkles won't cure my fear of death!” Starlight Glimmer gulped. “...but it'll help.”

“Splendid!” Bon Bon waved. “Hope to see you later on!”

“Hiya!” The unicorn beside her chirped. “I'm Lyra! Lyra Heartstrings!”

“Everypony knows, Lyra.” Bon Bon chided, kissing the back of the unicorn's neck and moving her along. “Everypony knows.”

“Okay...” The two mares left.

Starlight exhaled, balancing the banana bread once again on her flank...

...when she heard a shrill whistling sound from the heavens. Intensifying.

“Uhm...” Starlight's legs wobbled. “What's that...?”

“Neither rain nor snow nor sleet nor hail...~” Bon Bon began singing from a distance.

“Oh no...” Starlight panicked. She galloped in a random direction, her hooves quickening as she heard the whistling noise reach a fever pitch. “Oh no no no no no no no no no no no no NO!!!” A pegasus-shaped shadow crossed over her figure, homing in like a massive blonde moon in declining orbit. Hyperventilating, Starlight dashed into the side streets of Ponyville, threading down narrow alleyways, and finally scampering under the shadowed spread of market stands and verandahs.

At long last, she reached a dead-end against a brick wall sandwiched between two large structures.

“Guhhhhhh!” She ducked and covered, huddling into a fuzzy purple ball. Eyes clenched, Starlight shivered and shivered and shivered and...

...the whistling stopped.

There were no shadows.

There was no wind.

All was still.

“... … …???” Starlight looked up. She squinted at the sliver of exposed blue sky.

Silence.

“Mmmmm...” She slumped back against the brick wall, hugging the banana bread to her chest floof. Exhaling through a drunken smile. “Whew...”

POWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!

A mass of fuzz and bubble cutie marks exploded through the brickwork directly behind her.

“OH YEAH!!!!!” Derpy Hooves hollered, plowing into Starlight's spine. “I LOVE MANEHATTAN!” She squinted amidst the flying debris and anime motion streaks. “Mr. Squirrel!!! What joy!!!” Her blue cap had been replaced by an azure sombrero... somehow... which she adjusted while defying gravity. “What are you doing in the Big Apple???”

“I'M DYIIIIIIIING!” Starlight wailed, eyes bugging out at the madness blurring past them.

Derpy's pupils swiveled above an upside-down grin. “Actually, you're hurdling one hundred and twenty kilometers per hour down a city street just above sea level!!! In fact, we both are!!! What a coinkydink!!!”

“AND THEN IT'S DEATTTTTTH!” Starlight howled.

“Oh don't worry!” Derpy squinted past her as both pony bodies somersaulted through the village like twin rockets. “Usually there's a soft bed of snow that stops me in the end—”

CLANGGGGGG!!!!!!

Both ponies crashed into the southwest leg of the town's water tower.

“OOOF!” Starlight collapsed.

“Fappo!” Derpy landed backwards. “Did I say a 'soft bed of snow'?” A blush. “What I meant was a 'thick steel beam.' It's real easy to mix-up. They both melt the same~”

“Ughhhhhhhhhh...” Starlight whimpered, invisible winged muffins flying above her head.

“Huh...” Derpy stroked her chin, squinting in opposite directions. “Funny... Manehattan's supposed to be an island, right?”

Crkkkkkkkk! The tower, dented heavily by their impact, slowly toppled over and—SPLOOOOOOOSH!!!—spilled its voluminous contents away from the two mares, flooding the valley beyond and sending animals scurrying in every direction.

“Ah~” Derpy grinned. “There's the water~!” As debris rode the fresh wave of overflowing liquid, the mailmare picked up an errant package of banana bread. “Here!” She held the item over towards Starlight. “Found your child!”

“No... NO!” Starlight Glimmer hoofy-kicked away from the pegasus, panting and sweating, until she backed up into a tree stump. “Don't get near me! Don't you even breathe on me!”

“What's the matter?” The side of her muzzle curved. “I got the vax~”

“You are CHAOS INCARNATE!”

“Mmmm... job's taken, I'm afraid. You're new around here, aren't you, Mr Squirrel?”

“I am a mare! A MARE!” Starlight hollered.

Derpy smiled, juggling the banana bread. “With an attitude like that, you can be anything you put your heart and sphincter to!”

“All I wanted to do was one friendly task!” Starlight clutched her head, shivering. “Just one trip across the street and deliver some banana bread to—”

“Oooh! Ooooh!” Derpy perked up. “Are you needing a delivery to be made? I can do that!” She stood up and trotted forward before her patch of earth fell into the brand new river rapids behind her. “That's what it said in the job description when I got hired! Right under 'Make Sure Not To Shoot Anypony In a Blind Rage.' Heehee... stereotypes are awful, aren't they?”

“You... you would do that...?” Starlight gulped, eyes twitching. “For m-me?”

“Aaaaaanything for you, Mr. Squirrel!” Derpy stuffed the parcel into her saddlebag. “It is the friendly thing to do, after all!”

To that, Starlight visibly brightened. “Friendly... thing... to do...”

“Just give me the address and I'll be there in a jiff-jiff!”

“... … ...” Starlight glanced aside, then back at the pegasus. “828 Meadow Bend...? Ponyville?”

“Mmmmmmmm...” Derpy rubbed her head in perplexion above swiveling eyes.

“... … … Donkeytown,” Starlight emphasized.

“Ohhhhhh!” Derpy nodded briskly. “But of course! Although, nowadays...” She winked. “The PC term is 'Muleborough,' I do believe.”

“Uhhhhhhh... sure...”

“Consider it diddley-ditzy-doo-done!” Derpy saluted. “Just a small service charge?”

“Erm...”

“Low on bits? Heehee—that's okay~. I know that—as a single squirrel father—life can be quite the struggle. How about this? You can pay me later! Treat me to an acorn muffin and we'll call it even!”

“Uhhhhh...” Starlight Glimmer squirmed, glancing back into the heart of town. “How about...” A sheepish smile. “...some Caramel Sprinkled Surprises instead?”

“Sure! I can do currency exchange!” Derpy held her hoof out three feet to Starlight's left. “Let's shake on it!”

“Right...” Clearing her throat, Starlight strafed a pace and a half and shook Derpy's fetlock. “...a contract's a contract.”

“Well said. You are a tribute to rodent kind!” Derpy spread her wings. “Whelp! Skyward ahoy—” THUD! “OW! No. Wait. That's the ground.” Swooooooosh! “Therrrrrrrre we go!” She zoomed southwest towards the clock tower and the edge of the Everfree Forest beyond. “See you later, Mr. Squirrel! Enjoy the Manehattan sights and sounds while you're here!”

“Uhhh... will do, chief!” Starlight saluted back. She waited—breathing evenly—as the mailmare vanished beyond the tree tops. Her ears folded. “I wonder if Twilight will dock me points by doing friendship errands by mail?”

A beat.

“Eh, who am I kidding...” Starlight waved and turned tail to go for a peaceful stroll. “She did all her 'friendship' crap by mail for a season and a half.”

She didn't have time to snicker at her own words...

KABOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!

Starlight threw herself to the ground, covering her head. However—much to her surprise—there was no fuzzy body colliding violently against hers. The noise came from clear across the continent.

Spinning around, Starlight gasped to see a ginormous bright mushroom cloud billowing upwards from the southwest edge of town. Treetops shook. Birds scattered in flocks of panic. Buildings wobbled and windows shattered.

Then—seconds later—two smoke-trailing quadrupeds came sailing in like catapulted projectiles from the Everfree Forest.

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—!”

“Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—!”

One body—a female donkey—sailed into the deep pond formed by the collapsed water tower. SPLASH!

The other—a male—landed against a mound of dirt and went sliding wildly into a collapsing fence. CRASH!

“Oooof!” Settling to a pained stop, the donkey flung off a blond toupee from his balding scalp and shook his bony hoof angrily at the fading plume of fire and ash in the distance. “How many times do Matilda and I have to tell that senile Ms. Cake—WE HATE BANANA BREAD!!!”